this time four years ago

i was drinking at my house, with people, in one of the more  chill
and not disaterous parties that were had at that house

the house, which was  the  first  place  i  lived  outside  of  my
mother's house (college is expensive, yo.  i wouldn't have made it
through if i had to pay rent those many years)

my mother, who at that point, was 6 months into a 15-month  tenure
with brain cancer, which is one of those that you  don't  survive,
which i learned the details of in month 1

but the party was good. the next morning, after everyone had left,
i found one of the sparkling wine bottles was  still  full  enough
and sparkling enough that  my  main  roommate  and  i  could  have
mimosas, after we got orange juice

my  main  roommate,  named  such  because  i  had  known  him   in
highschool, and who, three months previous,  had  spent  a  sunday
drinking an entire bottle of jose cuervo  and  throwing  furniture
around the house like a child after i had spent the night  with  a
woman he never approached right, and who didn't  really  like  him
all that much in the first place, but we three were  friends,  and
had talked about a possible threesome before it got weird,

that night, which was after  a  party  at  the  house  I  was  not
informed about, and which i was not in the mood  for,  and  i  had
almost gone back to my mom's house to  sleep  (since  my  bed  was
still set up there, it was only 15 city driving minutes away), but
I didn't, and people got too drunk, and people got  too  high  and
thought they were in hell

and I said, definitively, that I was sleeping in  my  bed,  and  i
gave no indication that i would prevent another joining, and  that
gave way, after some hemming, hawing, "nothing will happen.   this
is fine", and then probably the most, uh, lustful, and  sex  drive
hell yeah moment of my life to date:

"doyouwanttomakeout-" "yes"

this  woman,  who  i  would  eventually  confess  to   not   being
emotionally available at all to, and was only interested  in  sex,
and who would break up with me then, and then we got back together
as "fuckbuddies" for maybe a month, and then she drops me (as  she
definitely should have)

and after that (round thanksgiving) my  main  roommate  reconsiled
with me more or less or whatever who cares we had signed a  lease,

and so there we were, maybe or maybe not hungover, walking five or
more blocks to the convenience store to pick up a quart of  orange
juice

to drink in the new year

*

i don't remember the next new year (15-16), at all.  the halloween
i was in vegas for a wedding, the thanksgiving i  was  late  to  a
meal at a friend's parents' where they tried not to talk about  my
mom being so recently dead and so did i

the next one (16-17) i only remember because i had my  first  acid
trip by then and quit smoking and started reading and i  had  read
"The Poor Clare" between new year's eve and day,  and  i  remember
where the  book  was  and  it  was  in  my  new-family-but-not-by-
law-or-blood's house 45 mins south of here.  so i had slept there,
and that's where i was.

but the next one i don't remember. (17-18)

*

this year, i am watching Scarlet Heart: Ryeo

with my much better roommate, who has brought nothing but goodness
into my life

in the house my mom had, and now i have, and that has since been
greatly redecorated, with most of the ideas and motivation coming
from said good roommate

and drinking sparkling wine (same as four years ago)

and I have grapefruit juice in the fridge so i don't  have  to  go
get it

and i have a job i don't hate that makes more than that last one

and things are, in a word, not bad at all

and i think i am writing this to try to make sure i remember

*

happy 2019 errybody.

aud lang syne and all.