i'm coming out of a haze and life is feeling okay again. i'm reminding myself
to note when this happens so that in the future, i can believe myself when i
try to convince myself that this is possible.

i have 13 post-its on the wall over my desk; each one has the name of a
fellowship or residency that i think i can apply for, plus a couple of details,
and the application deadline. they're lined up in chronological order. i have a
deadline coming up next week. it feels good to stare at this wall, even though
i know i will have days when it seems crushingly stressful.

i've gotten back to being able to bear crossing things off to-do lists again;
for a while, i was only capable of slowly enqueuing things, but felt a
paralyzing and inexplicable feeling at the thought of both completing
individual tasks, and completing entire lists. i am afraid of running out of
things to do. i'm afraid i'll be bored and idle. when i'm not taking good care
of my head game, i cope with this fear by forcing myself to do nothing, as if
having a sense of control over the state of boredom could cure me of the fear
of boredom.

i can tell i'm doing better with my head because i'm able to articulate these
things.