# Ode to Contradictions

I tend to procrastinate a lot. I hate it, but it happens. I'm slowly getting
better about it, I think. I'm a weird bundle of contradictions. I'm both an
early bird, and a night owl, I procrastinate, and constantly feel like I should
be doing something, I crave to be my own boss, and I want to also just do my
job. It feels weird. Unnatural, even. But it's apparently who I am. Perhaps one
day I'll figure out a set of things to be, that aren't a contradiction. Maybe
I'm just not completely grown up yet. I kind of stumbled into adulthood all of a
sudden, and I'm still not 100% used to it. Well, I say I stumbled into it, more
like I decided to take up jogging and for my first time out, I ran a marathon.
I didn't prepare myself very well for adulthood during my formative years.
Perhaps because I didn't want to, perhaps I just didn't think of it. I didn't
have a job, very few responsibilities, didn't really have to worry about much of
anything. I still have a very easy life, and I'm incredibly fortunate for that,
but I can't help but wonder if I'd be in an even better position if I had done
something -- anything -- differently.

I've always been ambitious. Hell, I'm already trying to plan out how to buy a
house in a major metropolitan area, and I'm scarcely old enough to drink in the
United States. The average age of a first-time homebuyer is 31-34. I'm a full
decade and change before that, and I'm hellbent on finding a way to get a house.
I'm not entirely sure if I'm ambitious, or delusional. Determined, or uneducated
on how the world just has to work. I want to start a business, I want to travel
the world... I want a lot of things. I'm working on trying to manage my own
expectations, while simultaneously trying to make my "wants" into "haves".
Perhaps it's just me hedging my bets. I'm not 100% sure on why I do anything I
do. I'm impulsive sometimes. Hell, a lot of the time probably. I'm responsible
to the point that I need to be. I'm eager to learn, and happy with what I know.
Perhaps I am just a living contradiction. Perhaps I should accept that. Perhaps
I should fight it. I'm not at all sure. If any of you townies happen to watch
Bojack Horseman, I often feel like a mix between a responsible adult, and
Vincent Adultman. Perhaps it's just a vicious cycle of self-doubt that causes me
to never feel happy with what I have; to never feel like I deserve to be where
I am. Hell, I'm doubting myself over that last damn semicolon. Something
inconsequestial that is making me question my own writing. I'm questioning if
this damn rant is even an Ode. I looked up the dictionary definition of Ode just
to assauge my worries, and I'm still not entirely sure. Maybe I'm just weird.
Maybe I'm just broken. Maybe I'm just perfect as I am. I have no idea, and maybe
that's the problem, or maybe just a symptom.

Self doubt is a hell of a thing. I hate it, because it leaves me feeling like I
don't belong. I love it because it constantly pushes me to try harder. Yet I'm
never happy with what I've done. It's never enough. I could write the "Howl" of
code, the "Hamlet" of programming, and I'd never know it, or never believe it.
A constant dark cloud of impostor syndrome hangs over my head, never letting
lose droplets of relief, never striking me with a jolt of reality. It's just...
there.

Perhaps it's not worth writing about, yet here you are reading it. I can barely
I'm reading it myself. It's just words. From some person, probably thousands of
miles away. He's not important. He's not famous. He's not a genius. He's just a
guy. So thank you, sincerely, for taking the time to read my tirade. To consume
my monologue on my inner monologue. My tale of trepidation that never seems to
end. Most of all, thank you for existing, you wonderful person. I still don't
know who I am, but I hope that perhaps, in some way, these words relate to you.
Even if nobody ever reads these words, it feels good just to write them down. To
let them escape from constantly gnawing at my mind. To have them somewhere else,
where I don't have to worry about them as much.

~caff

-----

Phew, now that my diatribe on my own self-doubt is over, it's time for the one
thing I promised I'd try to do every day. It's time for a song. I love, love,
love remixes. They always amaze me in their variety, their take on the original
song, and how they can completely change the feel of a song. One of the most
striking examples of this would be Mike Posner, who skyrocketed to popularity
with the release of "Cooler Than Me", whose song "I Took a Pill in Ibiza", a
slow, stripped-down acoustic track that sounds more like a sad country song than
an electronic anthem, yet when SeeB remixed the song, it became a much more
upbeat tune, despite the lyrics. Considering what a heart-wrenching song the
original is, it almost is disappointing to me that the remix surpassed it in
popularity by an order of magnitude, the music video garnering over half a
billion plays on YouTube, and the original only reaching a bit over 20M views,
but I digress. Both the original and the remix are amazing, and absolutely are
worth a listen, just for the lyrics. I hope you enjoy these songs!

[Mike Posner - I Took a Pill in Ibiza (Original)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=41GZVVcxQps)

[Mike Posner - I Took a Pill in Ibiza (SeeB Remix)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=u3VFzuUiTGw)

Finally, you really should read over Mike Posner's own thoughts on the lyrics,
which he shared on [Genius](http://genius.com/5272749). It's incredible to see
the though processes behind the song, but this in particular really felt raw,
and never has a song made me want to just hug someone before.

~caff