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# 2021-12-21 - The Art of Forgiving by Lewis Smedes
# Introduction
But whatever the mind can make of the future, it cannot silence a
syllable of the past. There is no delete key for reality. [Only for
our evaluation of it.]
The only way to remove the [pain] is with a surgical procedure called
forgiveness. It is not as the forgiving were the remedy of choice
among other options, less effective but still useful. It is the only
remedy.
Forgiving, when you come down to it, is an art, a practical art,
maybe the most neglected of all the healing arts. It is the art of
healing inner wounds inflicted by other people's wrongs.
To do healing well, we need to know:
* What makes it work,
* Why we do it,
* What to forgive and what not to forgive,
* How to know when the time is ripe,
* Whether to resume a relationship again after forgiveness,
* Whether to tell the person we forgive that we've done it,
* How to know whether we have actually done it, and, above all,
* How to do it right.
We also need to clear up some false notions about forgiving. [Such
as the notion that] if we forgive someone for doing us wrong we are
exempting [them] from the demands of justice.
# Chapter 1, The Three Stages
[Not Larry, Curly, and Mo.]
When we forgive someone, we all perform the same basic transformation
inside our inner selves. This is why, for all of us, mo matter how
badly we have been hurt or when or why it happened, the remedy has
one name: forgiveness.
No two situations are exactly the same. And no two people feel
exactly the same way after they have been wronged. Each of us
naturally puts [our] special spin on the inner process of forgiving
the wrong. And each of us makes [our] own decision about how to
relate to someone after we forgive [them].
Still, the fundamentals are the same for everybody. We all pass
through three stages of forgiving.
* We rediscover the humanity of the person who hurt us.
* We surrender our right to get even.
* We revise our feelings toward the person we forgive.
I have heard that 80 percent of what we see lies behind our eyes. If
this is so, 80 percent of what we see when we look at a person who
recently wronged and deeply wounded us must lie behind our eyes in
the memory of our pain.
As we start on the miracle of forgiveness, we begin to see our enemy
through a clearer lens... We begin to see a real person... We see a
bubble held aloft by the blowing of a divine breath. We see a human
being...
Forgiving our enemy does not turn [them] into a close friend... We
do not diminish the wrongness of what [they] did to us. We do not
blind ourselves to the reality that [they are] perfectly capable of
doing it again. But we take [them] back into our private world as a
person who shares our faulty humanity... human like us.
After we have been wronged--and wounded in the bargain--... no human
right seems more sacred than the right to get even...
What is the difference between [vengeance and justice]? Vengeance is
personal satisfaction. Justice is moral accounting.
Forgiving surrenders the right to vengeance, it never surrenders the
claims of justice.
We never bring closure to vengeance. In the exchange of pain the
accounts are never balanced. Vengeance by its nature cannot bring
resolution.
And when you get down to it, most of our getting even happens only in
our private fantasies. ... our opponent feels no pain when we attack
[them] in our dreams. But meanwhile, our fantasies become a catheter
dripping spiritual poison into our systems.
Surrendering our right to get even is the surrender of a very bad
pain in the neck.
Once we have rediscovered our offender's humanity and given up our
right to enjoy getting even, we begin to feel new feelings toward
[them] personally. We feel [the offender] differently after we see
[the offender] differently.
I have discovered that most people who tell me that they cannot
forgive a person who wronged them are handicapped by a mistaken
understanding of what forgiving is. They would have been helped a
lot had they gotten a clear picture of the process at the start.
# Chapter 2, The Sorts of Things We Forgive
Forgiving is a remedy for just one kind of pain.
Four general rules about what to forgive and what not to forgive:
* Forgive persons, not institutions.
* Forgive persons for WHAT THEY DO, not for what they are.
* Forgive persons for what they do to SERIOUSLY WOUND US.
* Forgive persons for what they do TO WRONG US when they wound us.
The problem with forgiving corporations is that they are legal
fictions. They do not exist in any flesh-and-blood sense.
[The problem with forgiving people for what they are is that] most
people are too complex and too murky for us to be sure of what we
would be forgiving them for. Forgiving is difficult enough. ...
better to narrow things down to something specific.
[Forgiving is] for the inner pain and boiling resentment brought by
the deepest cuts that we cannot ignore when they happen and cannot
forget after they have been sliced.
But if your friend betrays your trust, the pain you feel is wrongful
because you did not have it coming and because it is morally wrong to
betray a friend.
We all know that the only bonding agent that holds a personal
relationship together is trust. A relationship held together only by
a contract is not a personal relationship. A community held together
only by force is never a human community. Only trust holds personal
relationships together.
Trust is both the beauty and the fragility of being human. Our need
for trusting relationships is inborn, bred in the bone, part of the
human design. To break trust is thus to assault the law of life. It
is not only harmful, it is a deep moral wrong.
Forgiving is not meant for every pain people cause us. Forgiving is
for the wounds that stab at our souls, for wrongs that we cannot put
up with ever, from anyone.
# Chapter 3, Forgiving Does Not Mean Reunion
There are three reasons why the popular notion that forgiving and
reunion always go together is a major misconception:
* Forgiving happens inside the person who does it.
* Forgiving is not about reunion.
* Forgiving does not obligate us to go back.
Forgiving happens, as we have seen, inside our minds and hearts.
When we do forgive, we rediscover the frail, failed, bruised humanity
of the person we forgive and we give up our fantasy of revenge. We
treat the bounder as a fellow human being and wish [them] well. All
this can happen without giving the matter of restoring the
relationship more than a second thought.
I believe, however, that when a person close to us wrongs us, [they
throw] up two obstacles between us. One of the obstacles is our
sense of having been violated, which produces our anger, our
hostility, [and] our resentment. This is the obstacle that our
forgiveness removes. But only the person who wronged us can remove
the other obstacle. And [they] can remove it only by repentance and,
if need by, by restitution.
* It takes one person to forgive.
* It takes two to be reunited.
* Forgiving happens inside the wounded person.
* Reunion happens in a relationship between people.
* We can forgive a person who never says [they are] sorry.
* We cannot be truly reunited unless [they are] honestly sorry.
* We can forgive even if we do not trust the person...
* Reunion can happen only if we can trust the person...
* Forgiving has no strings attached.
* Reunion has strings attached.
Let us be clear that forgiving and reunion are not the same things; a
person can truly forgive and refuse to be reunited.
Three reasons why forgiving does not obligate us to go back:
* Reunion is sometimes impossible.
* Reunion is sometimes harmful.
* Reunion may be such a threat that it prevents a wounded person
from forgiving.
Forgiving happens regardless of circumstances; for a reunion, the
circumstances have to be right.
Being forgiven does not qualify a person to be a friend or a partner.
And if [they do not] qualify, we are better off to walk away and
heal ourselves alone.
# Chapter 4, Forgiving Does Not Mean Restoring
[People] sometimes get confused about the difference between
forgiving someone and restoring that person to the place [they] held
before...
# Chapter 5, Who Can Do It?
To qualify for forgiving we need only to meet three requirements:
* We need to bear the wounds ourselves.
* We need to know we have been wounded.
* We need to have an inner push to forgive.
Forgiving is about healing wounds. So only people who bear the pain
qualify for forgiving the person who inflicted it. Everyone else
should step aside.
The worst wounds I ever felt were the ones people gave to my
children. Wrong my kids, you wrong me. And my hurt qualifies me to
forgive you. But only for the pain you caused me when you wounded
them. My children alone are qualified to forgive you for what you
did to them.
Discerning people have an eye for moral differences. When someone
hurts them accidentally, they accept it as one of the risks of living
around clumsy people. But when they realize it was no accident, that
the person who hurt them knew what he [or she] was up to, they know
that they were not only wounded, they were wronged besides. This is
the kind of moral discernment that qualifies a person for forgiving.
We may FEEL wronged when in fact we are only wounded.
None of us forgives with 20/20 vision. And it is probably better to
forgive too much than to forgive too little.
But few of us are naturals at this game. We don't seem to be born
with the forgiveness gift. We need to work at it...
Forgiving has to come from inside as a desire of the heart. WANTING
TO is the steam that pushes the forgiving engine.
Where does the desire to forgive come from? I believe that every
ordinary human desire to redeem the past comes from God, the source
of all redeeming graces. So one way to get the desire is to be in
touch with God.
# Chapter 6, The Case Against Forgiving
The moral objection to forgiving rises from our moral instinct for
fairness.
Forgiving is wrong, some argue, because it is DISHONEST. In the name
of a cruel kindness, it denies reality.
Finally, some critics say forgiving is wrong because it CONTRADICTS
HUMAN NATURE.
But I also hoped I would have had the faith to invite him [the
repentant but seemingly irredeemable Nazi brute] to join me in asking
God to forgive him.
Why bring in God? ... when he murdered the children... he "murdered"
God with them. The difference is that God can survive his [or her]
own murder and live to forgive the person who cut his [or her] throat.
I did not then and still do not know what I would have done if Karl
had shot my own children as they tried to leap from a burning house.
... who can know for sure?
# Chapter 7, In Defense of Forgiving
Forgiving offers the best hope of creating a new fairness out of past
unfairness. Forgiving cannot happen without severe truthfulness.
Forgiving follows the impulses of our true and better natures.
* Forgiving someone who did us wrong does not mean that we tolerate
the wrong [they] did.
* Forgiving does not mean that we want to forget what happened.
* Forgiving does not mean that we excuse the person who did it.
* Forgiving does not mean that we take the edge off the evil of
what was done to us.
* Forgiving does not mean that we surrender our right to justice.
* Forgiving does not mean that we invite someone who hurt us to
hurt us again. [What about turning the other cheek?]
Almost every argument against forgiving assumes that forgiving means
what in fact it does not mean.
The heart of my answer to the complaint against forgiving is that
forgiving is the only way to get ourselves free from the trap of
persistent and unfair pain. Far from being unfair, it is the only
way for a victim to be fair to himself or herself. Far from being a
dishonest denial of reality, forgiving is not even possible unless we
own the painful truth of what happened to us. Far from being alien
to our human nature, forgiving dances to the melody of our true
humanity.
# Chapter 8, Because It Suits Us
On the other hand, some things are just not meant to be done simply
because it is our duty to do them. Some things are meant to be done
only because we want to do them. Some can be done for no other
reason. If we are not led to do them by our own inner impulses, they
don't get done at all. Or at least they will not get done well.
Forgiving is one of those things.
How do we explain this tension between doing what we ought to do and
what we want to do?
I think we will resolve this tension when we recall that there are
actually THREE KINDS OF "OUGHT."
First, there is an ought of OBLIGATION. But nobody forgives out of
obedience to authority...
Second, there is an ought we should follow because we will be better
off for doing it. Call it an ought of OPPORTUNITY.
Third, there is an ought that comes from being the kinds of people
[that] we are. Call it an ought of FIT.
We ought to forgive the way a spouse ought to make love, a sad person
ought to cry, a happy person ought to smile, a lyrical person ought
to sing, and a grateful person ought to say "thank you." We ought to
do it because it suits us so well.
We forgive when we discover that we really want to forgive, and we
want to forgive when we want to heal ourselves from the hangover of a
wounded past. And when we actually do forgive, we are only doing
what comes naturally to anyone who has felt the breath of forgiving
love on her [or his] own heart.
# Chapter 9, For Our Own Sake
I think forgiving works on both sides of the street. It is a
reciprocity. We do ourselves good only when we wish good for the
other. And we do the other person good only after we have healed
ourselves. Forgiving has to be both ego-centered and other-centered.
Otherwise it cannot work.
Serious pain is always ego-centric. [I agree. Otherwise, who feels
the pain?]
Check out the best-known scream of pain in history--Jesus calling
from the cross: "My God, My God, why have you abandoned ME?"
We need to get on top of our pain before we can get ourselves to do
some good to the person who caused it.
Forgiving has to heal our pain before it can heal anybody else's pain.
When we forgive someone who did us bad, sooner or later we desire
good things for the person who did it. This means that we can do
ourselves good only by wanting good things for the person who did bad
things to us.
Forgiving, like loving, gives us no choice between being
self-centered and other-centered. If I love someone only for my
sake, my love becomes sick, uncreative, [and] manipulative. If I
love someone only for his or her sake, my love becomes fawning
charity, [and] demeaning pity. It is the same way with forgiving.
We simply have no choice between self-centered forgiving and
other-centered forgiving. I can do you good by forgiving you only if
I do myself good by forgiving you. It is life's most [virtuous]
circle.
When we forgive we become our own good physician, and the remedy we
use percolates from the warm, breathing heart of the universe.
# Chapter 11, Forgiving People Who Do Not Say They Are Sorry
Forgiving under any circumstance is only for people who don't deserve
it. Being sorry for the wrong we did does not earn us a right to be
forgiven. How would it? There is no such thing as a right to be
forgiven. Forgiving flows always and only from what theologians call
grace--unearned, undeserving favor. Grace that is earned is not
grace at all. In an odd way, if we deserved to be forgiven, we would
not need to be.
And yet, when we realize that forgiving is the only remedy for the
pain the offender left us with, the only way to heal the hurt [they]
caused, we have an incentive to forgive no matter if [their] heart is
hard as flint. In short, forgiving unrepentant people is a no-lose
opportunity--difficult to do but with a harvest of healing.
Yes, we must be fair to ourselves. But are we fair to ourselves when
we prolong a bitterness that is shriveling our spirits? Are we fair
to ourselves if we let our abuser or betrayer or deceiver decide for
us when we may be healed...?
When we forgive someone who is not sorry for what [they have] done,
we do not forget, and we do not intend to let it happen again.
The person who hurt us should not be the person who decides whether
or when we should recover from the pain [they] brought us.
We cannot EXPECT to be forgiven without sorrow for the wrong we did.
Repentance does not earn the right to forgiveness; it only prepares
us to receive the gift.
# Chapter 12, Forgiving Ourselves
Forgiving ourselves is a tough nut to crack. Which is probably a
good thing. If forgiving ourselves was easy, chances are, we are
only excusing ourselves, ducking blame, and not really forgiving
ourselves at all.
We need to forgive ourselves because the part of us that gets blamed
feels split off from the part that does the blaming. We are exiled
from our own selves, which is no way to live. We are ripped apart
inside, and forgiving ourselves is the only way we heal the split.
We must pay for the license to forgive ourselves. We pay in the
currency of remorse.
The first thing we need to know when we try to forgive ourselves is
what is it that we are forgiving ourselves for.
* What we did, not who we are.
* Specific things we did.
* Wrongful things that we deserve blame for doing.
The feeling of being forgiven and the feeling of forgiving ourselves
are so much alike that there is no point in trying to keep them
distinct.
Say it out loud. Say it straight into the eyes of the reflection you
see in a mirror. You may feel like a clown. But do it anyway. If
you dare to say it, you have already begun to do it.
Forgiving is seldom done once and for all. It almost always needs
repeating. So say it a hundred times if you need to, say it until
the meaning begins to filter through your brain into your soul.
If you want to feel like a person who has forgiven herself [or
himself], do the sorts of impulsive things that forgiven people might
be inclined to do. Do anything nice that the practical part of you
will tell you is nutty. Celebrate the miracle you are performing on
yourself by creating a little miracle for somebody else.
# Chapter 15, Owning Our Pain
Forgiving is a remedy for pain... just our own. But no pain is
really our pain until we own it.
Ownership is a personal relationship. We own something when we take
personal responsibility for it. How do we do [that]? We take five
basic steps.
* We APPROPRIATE it. ... We make something a property of ourselves.
* We ACKNOWLEDGE it. We don't conceal it.
* We NAME it so that anybody can know what it is.
* We EVALUATE it. [We get a sense of its meaning], decide how
important it is to our lives, and what it would take for somebody
to get us to part with it.
* We [ASSUME] RESPONSIBILITY for it. [We generally] hold ourselves
answerable for what happens to it while we own it.
I learned that the more I disowned my feelings, the more they owned
me in hidden and subtle ways I did not recognize.
We alone can answer the question our pain asks: "Now that you are
stuck with me, what are you going to do with me?" Before we answer,
we can review our options. We begin to take responsibility for our
pain when we listen to its question. We begin to heal our pain when
we give the right answer.
# Chapter 16, Taking Our Time
But for serious wounds, we need to take our time.
People who have been wronged badly and wounded deeply should give
themselves time and space before they forgive. My advice? Follow
these five steps before you even begin to forgive.
* THINK -- Take time to focus on what actually happened.
* EVALUATE -- [Was it intentional? A pattern? How bad is the
wrong?]
* TALK -- Consult a friend or counselor.
* FEEL -- Take time to be alone with yourself [without
distractions] so that you can be in touch with what you feel and
put a name on what it is...
* PRAY -- [Be honest with the divine.] Admit you need help, ask
for it, and use it when it comes.
There is one more reason for waiting before we forgive. The
situation may not be ripe for it.
If we wait too long to forgive, our rage [and resentment] settles in
and claims squatters rights to our souls.
There is a right moment to forgive. We cannot predict it in advance;
we can only get ourselves ready for when it arrives.
# Chapter 17, We Don't Have To Say So
There are two good reasons why silent forgiving is sometimes better
than spoken forgiving.
* Not all of us have a gift for telling people that we forgive them.
* The people we forgive are not always ready to hear us.
Spoken forgiving, no matter how heartfelt, works best when we do not
demand the response we want. ... we must leave them free to respond
however they are inclined. If the response is not what we hoped for,
we can go home and enjoy our own healing in private.
# Chapter 18, We Don't Have To Put Up With It
Forgiving intolerable things does not make them tolerable. It is
precisely because they are intolerable that such a radical remedy
such as forgiving had to be found for them.
Assumptions about forgiving and tolerance:
* Some things are intolerable in and of themselves no matter how
mane people put up with them.
* Intolerable things are forgivable.
* Forgiving an intolerable wrong does not make it tolerable.
* Forgiving an intolerable thing does not mean we intend to put up
with it.
# Chapter 19, How Often? As Often As We Need To
* Forgiving is not an obligation. [It is an opportunity to do
ourselves some good.]
* Forgiving is not about letting people get away with something.
* Forgiving is not about staying with people who are hurting us.
We certainly need to set limits. But not on forgiving. It is abuse
we need to set limits on.
Forgiving is a gift, not a duty. It is meant to heal, not to
obligate. Use the fit as often as it takes to set you free from a
miserable past you cannot shake.
# Chapter 20, When We Are Not Sure We Have Done It
Recall that forgiving does not usually happen [all] at once. It is a
process, sometimes a long one, especially when it comes to wounds
gouged deep. And we must expect some lapses, the way long-term
investors expect some downs in the market. When it happens, stay the
course. And look at the downside as an opportunity to reinvest, do
it again, [and] get back in practice.
Your anger is a clear sign that you are in touch with reality. If
you still get angry after you forgive, let your anger protect you
from being a sucker for similar wounds in the future.
Forgiving is not anti-anger, anymore than love is anti-anger.
The enemy of forgiving is hate, not anger. Anger is aimed at what
persons do. Hate is aimed at persons. Anger is the positive power
that pushes us toward justice. Hate is the negative force that
pushes us toward vengeance.
The best source of help can be found in a group of fellow strugglers.
There are plenty of them about because not many people get far in
life without having been wounded unfairly.
# Chapter 21, Forgive and Remember
Forgiving does not erase the bitter past. A healed memory is not a
deleted memory. Instead, forgiving what we cannot forget creates a
new way to remember. We changed the memory of our past into a hope
for our future.
The answer to the problem of imagining a future we cannot control is
hope.
A few ways to do this:
* We remember the good parts of the bad past.
* We remember the past with truth. When we forgive, we get new
courage to recall what happened even though it wounded us badly...
We also dare to recall our own responsibility for what happened to
us, if we have any.
* We remember with a new respect for ourselves.
* We remember with sadness.
* We remember without illusions.
author: Smedes, Lewis B. |