Date: Wed, 10 Oct 2001 13:40:54 +0000
From: Andrew Serway <a_serway@hotmail.com>
Subject: True Story: My Secret Life

Disclaimer: The following is a TRUE account of my life. It contains
descriptions of gay fantasies, masturbation, pissing, cross-dressing. If
this offends you or it is illegal for you to read this - DONT.

Any comments, similar stories, etc would be welcome. Email me:
a_serway@hotmail.com

MY SECRET LIFE
==============

I guess I first really admitted to myself that I had slightly different
sexual leaning than others at about the age of eighteen. But looking back,
I guess there had always been signs.

PART 1 - JACKING OFF

When we were 7 or 8, my friend John and I used to go swimming at the public
pool. We'd get back, and take a bath together. We'd strip down and sit
naked together in the hot water. We never actually touched each other, and
we didn't yet know what masturbation was. But we'd watch each other soaping
up our little bald penises and playing with them.  We'd experiment with our
cocks. We used to see how far we could stretch the foreskins, and how far
we could roll them back. We'd play with them till they were raw and
red. Then we'd try to sooth them by lubing them up with different bathroom
products: shampoo, hairgel, toothpaste. Toothpaste was the most
fun. Smearing it over the small bulbous head of our young erections gave
them a cool, tingly feeling with a slight sting to it.

It was all completely innocent, but looking back, I realise it was, as the
song goes, another brick in the wall.

It would have been around eleven or twelve when I learnt how to masturbate
properly. I always used to play with my dick when it was hard, and I knew
about orgasms, but I never knew how exactly to give myself one. However,
one day in the local library, I was reading a sex book for teenagers, the
closest thing I could get to porn. I had a hard on in my pants in the
corner of the library, as I read the passage that enlightened me and
changed my life.  I remember it, more or less, to this day: "The most
common method of masturbation for males is by forming a tube with their
hand, and rubbing it up and down the erect penis."


It seemed so simple to me: I couldn't believe I hadn't thought of it
before.  I guess I had been naive. I tried it that very night. Lying in bed
with my knees in the air, I began to stroke my hard little cock for the
first in the time honoured tradition. I remember clearly lying there in the
dark, jacking off, thinking how good it felt. All my life, whenever I got a
hard on, there had been a strange urge: this was finally fulfilling it.

I still remember to this day feeling my first orgasm building in my
cock. It felt like a sneeze growing in some hazy region encompassing my
cock, balls, stomach, and asshole. I immediately stopped, and the feeling
died away. I knew orgasms where supposed to produce semen, and I didn't
want it dirtying my bedsheets. Breathing heavily, almost shaking with
anticipation, I crept to the toilet, and knelt down in front to continue my
work.

As soon as I started stroking, I felt the sensations build again. Stronger
and stronger they grew as I wanked faster and faster, until finally they
exploded. When the orgasm finished, I was dimly aware that I hadn't
produced any cum.

Shooting blanks didn't bother me at the time; in fact it was helpful. Now
that I knew how it was done, I was jerking off whenever I could. Since I
produced no cum, I could masturbate in my pants, in my bed, whenever I
needed, without worrying about clean up.

I remember around the age of thirteen, I spent the night at John's one
night. We were both laying in sleeping bags on matresses on his floor. It
was late, and we were still awake talking. Soon enough the talk turned to
sex, and John told me he had a hard on. I did too, and I told him this. He
asked me if I wanted to jerk off. I said I did, so we started.

I remember us laying on our backs, the rhythmic rustle of our sleeping bags
filling the darkened room, as we masturbated together. I remember
climaxing, but I still didn't shoot any cum. Soon after I remember Johns
breathing getting heavy, and I knew he was cumming too.

When he was done, he pulled his hand out of his shorts, and showed it to
me.  In the blueish moonlight, I remember the glisten of the seed on his
hands, and I was instantly jealous. I wanted to be able to do that. "Did
you cum?" he asked me. I lied and said no, too embarassed to admit I still
shot blanks, that I didn't want to get his sleeping bag dirty. He accepted
this, and we went to sleep. I never did find out how he cleaned up that
night. I like to fantasise to this day that he licked it off his hands
while I was asleep.

My friend Bill had a swimming pool. In summer, we'd all get changed after
swimming in the shed out the back of his house. One time, it was just me
and his older brother Damian getting changed. Damian would have been about
fifteen when I was twelve.  When Damian stripped off his wet gear, I found
myself staring at his cock. It was huge, and whats more, it was hairy (I
was still bald). The long white organ dangling in its dark nest for some
reason had me transfixed. Sure, i'd seen my father's hairy dick
occasionally. But for some reason this was different. I remember starting
to get hard staring at this thing, when I was snapped out of my trance-like
state. Damian had caught me staring at it. It didn't really bother him, he
just said something like "Haven't you seen one before?" and that was it. We
both finished changing and nothing ever came of it. For him at least.

I think my life was changed at that point. That long hairy cock filled my
imagination often.  I wanted to see it again, I wanted to touch it. Most of
all, I wanted my cock to be big and hairy like that. I didn't start to get
pubic hair or actually squirt when I came until I was around fourteen. But
gradually, by the time i was sixteen, my jack off fantasies had shifted
from girls to guys. Well not so much guys, as their cocks. I do not find
males attractive: the female body is infinitely more beautiful. However I
think a hard, erect cock is one of the most arousing sights
possible. Slowly my fantasies became filled with cocks. I would jack off in
the shower, imagining I was surrounded by older men watching me, stroking
their own hard dicks. As I came, I would direct my squirts onto my chest,
imagining it was their seed splashing across my body.


PART 2 - ASSES

It would have been around thirteen that I found a book in my parents
drawers. I can't remember the title, but it was one of those female
sexuality books. I used to get hard looking at those drawings of naked
women, and would jack off over them.  Especially the section showing all
the different sex positions. However, for some reason, one particular page
caught my interest. It was a closeup photograph of a women sitting on the
edge of her bed, legs spread, examining her vagina in a mirror. I don't
know why this aroused me so much but it did.

It wasn't long before I wanted to do the same. I didn't have a vagina
though, but I did have an asshole. At this point, I had no idea about anal
sex, the thought had never even entered my mind. But I remember one day
after looking at this picture, going into my parents bathroom. I placed a
circular shaving mirror on the ground and removed my pants. I squatted down
over it and angled it so I could see my asshole. It was the first time I
had ever really seen it. The sight of that small pink, wrinkled pucker in
the mirror excited me tremendously. I remember touching it gently with my
finger, and being disgusted. After all, this was where shit came
from. However, that disgust was part of the reason my cock was throbbing so
hard.

For quite a few months, jacking off looking at my own anus in the mirror
was a favorite activity. Often I would pretend I was taking a shit and
watch it open up. I would have been about fourteen when I finally got the
courage to slide a finger in. However I wasn't totally over my distaste at
the fact that this was where shit came from, so I wore a glove. I coated my
little finger (i didn't want to damage myself) with baby oil, and pressed
at my entrance.  It hurt quite a bit going in, but soon I was gasping in
amazement as I slid it all the way in to the last knuckle. It felt as
though I was shitting myself, and I fought the instinct to squeeze it
out. It would be many more sessions like this before I realised the secret
was to accept this sensation, and relax your ass as though you were taking
a shit. As a result, I found my first anal experiences to be more
uncomfortable than pleasurable, and more often than not they would cause my
erection to wither. However I found the concept to be very arousing and
soon after withdrawing my finger I would be jacking off even harder than
usual.  This activity would come and go over the years, but I still did not
relate it to sex with guys.

Gradually I worked up the courage to insert my middle finger all the way in
(I would still wear gloves, as occasionally I would touch a shit up there,
and be revolted). I overcame this distaste and need for a glove by
fingering myself in the shower in the morning after taking a shit. I would
evacuate my bowels, and wash my ass thoroughly in the shower. The soap was
an excellent lubricant, and soon I was jerking off with a finger deep in my
ass. I still did not know about anal sex, and I didn't thrust my finger in
and out, I just slid it in and left it there while I jacked my hard cock
until I came. I found that I would always cum harder and my load was bigger
with a finger in my ass. However, I never actually found finger myself
alone to be pleasurable enough, and stopped doing it for some years.

But by the time I was seventeen and starting to wake up to my sexual
preferences, I occasionally watched porn with my buddies. I remember
sitting round watching girls getting fucked up the ass. While must of the
guys found this a turn-off, I secretly enjoyed this even more than the
normal stuff. I watched the guys shoving their hard cocks in and out of
those tight assholes, and would remember my own experiences. Several years
after I stopped fingering myself, I started again. But this time, I would
sit on the floor of the shower with my soaped finger, and slide it in and
out, over and over, pretending it was a cock penetrating my most private
regions. However my cock would always grow jealous of the atttention my
anus was recieving, and I would inevitably stop fingering myself to
furiously masturbate to orgasm.

In all the porn stories I read, the girls would climax while getting fucked
up the ass. I never put any weight into such things, but a year or so
later, I think I heard somewhere that it was medically possible to climax
anally. I tried many times to get myself off without touching my cock, but
I always gave in to the urge and finished the job by hand.

But the idea of cumming from getting fucked up the ass turned me on so bad.
I found the idea so arousing that I decided to fake an illness to get the
next day off school to have the house to myself, determined that I would
finally cum anally. I would usually skip school like this every two months
or so in order to try different sexual experiences without fear of getting
caught by my parents.

I literally couldn't sleep that night I was so excited and aroused. When my
parents left for work, I immediately got up and took a shit. As I turned on
the shower I already was rock hard, shaking with lust and anticipation. I
soaped up my finger, and slowly eased it into my ass, and soon I was away.

The whole ordeal is a blur. I remember lying under the shower's hot stream
flat on my back, legs in the air, hand working feverishly at my anus as my
cock begged to be jerked. I remember getting up on all fours and
prentending I was a girl getting fucked doggy style. I remember anchoring
my hand on the ground, finger extended, and sliding myself up and down my
digit as though it were a hard cock, my own erection slapping against my
belly with each bounce. I was frantic, depraved and desparate. The urge to
grab my cock and cum was almost overwhelming, dizzying, but I fought it.

I don't know how long I went for. It could have been minutes, it could have
been hours.  Neither would suprise me. But finally I felt the sensation
beginning to build in the base of my penis. I couldn't believe it. It was
happening. I lay there and doubled my efforts, mercilessly fingering my
anus until my cock spurt semen all over my chest and belly. I swear to you,
I have never climaxed so hard as that time, nor shot a load as big.  As I
came down from my orgasm, a feeling of satisfaction and achievement came
over me, unlike any I had ever known.

Over the years I have tried to climax that way again, but have been unable
to. It hasn't stopped me from enjoying many different anal activities. I
have used all sorts of makeshift dildos in my efforts: carrots, cucumbers,
toothbrush handles, deodorant tubes. I even made a makeshift cock out of an
old piece of firm foam rubber.

My most creative attempt was to stick a drain plunger to the glass of the
shower cubicle (the suction kept it firmly in place), with the handle
sticking outwards. I placed a sock over the wooden handle to soften it, and
then rolled a condom over that. I got down on all fours and backed myself
onto the cock, and rode it hard. Soon I was jacking myself off, my cum
squirting down onto the shower floor like so many loads before it, and so
many since.


PART 3 - PISSING

Around the age of 10, I used to be friends with two brothers, Tony and
Peter. Tony was younger, about 8. Peter was 9. After going round to their
house to use their swimming pool, we all ended up naked in the
shower. There was nothing sexual about it, it was innocent. But soon I
found myself needing to go to the toilet. I told this to the guys, and they
said, don't worry, just do it down the plughole. I thought it was gross,
and told them so.

They said, don't worry, we do it all the time. And as the three of us stood
there in the shower, Tony, the younger brother, started to urinate down the
drain in front of all of us.  At the time, it was hilariously funny, but it
was the beginning of something more for me. As I took my turn and pissed
down the drain, I knew there was something special about it.

>From that day, I began to find it entertaining to go to the toilet in
places other than the toilet. I would urinate in the back corner of the
yard, enjoying the thought that I was doing a most private, dirty thing in
public.

We had a shed up against the back fence, but there was a narrow gap I could
squeeze into. I began to always pee there, enjoying the fact that it was
oudoors, but safe in the knowledge no-one would catch me. One day, I
grabbed I spade, dug a deep hole, squatted over it, and took a shit. I
loved the feeling of the cool outside air on my sphincter as it opened up.
There was something incredibly thrilling about venting your waste in
public.

Not long after that time in the shower, I decided for some reason it would
be fun to wet myself. I took off my pants, but left my underwear on, and
went to my corner behind the shed. Then I let go of my bladder, and pissed
into my underwear. I loved the warm rush, the spreading wetness. Soon the
hot piss was trickling down my bare legs and puddling around my feet. By
the time I was finished, I was erect. This was before I knew how to
masturbate properly, so all I could do was to throw my wet undies into the
garbage and take a shower while my erection died away.

Instead of going to the toilet in the mornings, I would piss in the shower,
as Tony and Peter did. Some days, if my morning erection didn't die away, I
would piss in the air, letting it splash over my chest and run down my
stomach, washed away by the running water.  It didn't take long before I
got up the courage to taste it by pissing in my face. While I didn't, and
still don't, particularly enjoy the taste, it was and still is thrilling
nonetheless.

As I grew up and learned to masturbate, it was inevitable that the two
would combine. Waking up with a hard on, I would piss in my face, drinking
a little, and then jerk off afterwards.  Some days, I would get an erection
and feel the desire to wet myself, but not need to go to the toilet. When
this happened I would have to drink lots of water and be patient.

I liked to wear a tight pair of underwear, and lie on on the shower floor
before I turned it on. I would put my legs and lower back up the wall, and
then let go. The dark stain would spread across my crotch, and then the
fabric would become saturated, and the urine would begin to leak down over
my stomach, chest, and dribble onto my face. I would then jerk off lying in
a pool of my own urine.

To this day, I enjoy pulling on a pair of underwear and pissing in them,
saturating my hairy cock and balls, letting the urine seep into my ass
crack. I usually get instantly rock hard, and my dick springs out of my
underwear, so I piss over my chest and stomach. Then when I jerk off, I
remove the saturated underwear and rub them over my face as I masturbate.
I love letting my cum mix with the yellow piss all over my body. Sometimes
I use the piss for lube and slide a few fingers into my ass while I
masturbate. I fantasize about women pissing on me while I eat their
pussy. I fantasize about men pissing in me while fucking my ass.


PART 4 - CLOTHES

I was probably 6 or 7 when I first stomped around the house in a pair of my
mothers high heels. It was just for innocent laughs. However when I was
thirteen or fourteen it became something more.

I can't remember exactly the first time I pulled on a pair of lacy black
underwear, and slipped a black bra on, stuffing socks down the front. But I
remember I did it purely out of desparation to see a female-like form in
the flesh at that horny young age.  But habits form, and I began to become
aroused by the underwear itself. I loved the lacy frills of some underwear,
the shiny, silky smoothness of others.

Soon I was pulling on pantyhose, loving the feel of my hard penis encased
in the smooth nylon. I would dance seductively to my own image in a full
length mirror, my cock begging for attention. I loved the erotic look of
the feminine lingerie, punctuated by the masculine bulge in the crotch.

I would wear dresses and skirts. They were all a little too tight, my
mother was a small woman, but that suited my needs fine. I loved to perform
stripteases for myself in the mirror, seductively lifting my skirt hem
higher and higher, until I was flashing my panties.

However urges would always take over and I would frantically masturbate,
practically drooling over my own reflection in the mirror. I always had to
be careful not to shoot my load over any of the garments I was wearing, so
I could replace them in their proper places without fear of being
discovered.

By the time I was nineteen, my sister was seventeen, and her wardrobe
started become interesting to me. I'm ashamed to admit sifting through her
drawers searching for the choice garments, but I guess I was like a fetish
junky by this stage. I needed my fix, whatever it may be - jerking, anal,
pissing, cross-dressing - and would stop and nothing to get it.

Nevertheless, in my sisters drawers I found garments infinitely more
exciting than my mothers. I remember the first time I pulled on a silky
black g-string, my rock-hard cock and balls out to one side. The erotic
thrill that charged through me as I rolled on stockings, and clipped them
to a black lacy suspender belt. I was literally shaking with lust as I
pulled on her knee-high black leather zip-up boots (a very tight fit - i
have to be careful not to bust the zip).

When I first saw myself in this get-up in a full length mirror, it took me
literally about five strokes before I shot my load over the bedroom
floor. I love to lie in front of the mirror, sliding one of my makeshift
dildos into my ass, prentending it is a real cock. I fantasize about
parading in my clothes in front of a group of guys who all start to jerk
off, and then fuck me while I'm still wearing my lingerie.


PART 5 - TODAY

I still enjoy all these activities to this day (I'm 21). From all outward
appearances, I'm a normal straight guy. And I enjoy that part of my life:
drinking with my buddies, going out and meeting girls.

But I like the fact I have a part of my life no-one knows about. Despite
all my fantasies, I have never slept with a guy. Maybe one day chance will
bring me a guy who shares my interests, but until then I'll share them with
the one person who I know enjoys them the most:

Me.

THE END