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THE UNISEX, OMNISEXUAL
___________________________________________________________________________
Version 5.02 (350)
Final Release
29-March-1990
___________________________________________________________________________
Public domain; no copyright. All rights wronged, all wrongs
reversed. Up with going down. The risen flesh commands: let
there be love. Murphy's law on sex: Love is a matter of
chemistry; sex is a matter of physics. Chaste makes waste.
Virginity can be cured.
This document was not sponsored by the Department of Defense
Advanced Research Projects Agency, nor was it sponsored by the
Snowblowers Association of America, and was not monitored by the
Air Force Avionics Laboratory. The views and conclusions
contained in this document should not be interpreted as
representing the official policies, either expressed or implied,
of the Defense Advanced Projects Agency or the US Government.
Neither should it be interpreted nor inferred that the
authors/contributors have actually performed any of the actions
contained herein.
___________________________________________________________________________
Disclaimer of Liability
The user of this test acknowledges that sex is a hazardous sport;
that a person must copulate in control, and use good judgment at
all times; that partners' conditions vary constantly and are
greatly affected by weather changes, previous use, and rust; and
that dirty sheets, variations in terrain and bed surfaces,
spouses/pimps/managers, forest growth, rocks and debris, clothed
obstacles, and many other natural and man-made obstacles and
hazards, including other users and customers, exist throughout
the bedroom area. Personal managers (pimps/spouses) and sado-
masochistic operations and equipment are constantly in use and
may be hazardous to those not copulating in control. Impotence,
collisions, and social diseases resulting in injury can happen at
any time, even to those copulating in control with proper sexual
equipment. Inherent risks are part of the sport and may exist
within your partner. As a condition of being permitted to use
the facilities of your partner, the user of this test agrees to
copulate in control and within the limits of his/her ability, and
further acknowledges and accepts these hazards, dangers, and
risks and assumes the risk of injury or loss to person or damage
to property which might result from use of the partner's
facilities.
As a further condition of being permitted to use the facilities
of your partner, the customer understands and agrees that: (1)
in the event of a transfer of use by another or anything else in
the management's opinion is misconduct, misuse, kinky,
impotence, or nuisance, this service may be revoked s/he/it must
be presented to any authorized representative of the
pimp/spouse/item; (3) sexual equipment must be visibly displayed
at all times when you are in any bedroom and when approaching
the bed to copulate. Your sexual partner is not transferable;
see Theft of Services, V.S.A., sections 2581 and 2582.
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Purity Test Genesis/History:
Version 1 (100) Created at MIT's Baker House. Two parallel
versions; one for male, and one for female. Not
much is known about this version. It was ported
to CMU by ps in 1982.
Version 2 (247) Spring 1983 - CMU/jb, pd, kr, ps, ts, mt, et al.
Expanded to 247 questions. This marked the
beginning of the unisex versions. The story goes
that they intended it to be 250 questions, but
got tired that night and said "we'll think of
three more tomorrow", and tomorrow never got
there.
Version 3.3C.1 (400) on 05-Dec-1984
First formal release general of this test,
version 3.xx. All former versions were short-
lived and tended to be bug-ridden. Does not
discriminate against gays or bi's. Good
correspondence of scores (especially in the
higher score ranges) between this version and
version 2. Added Genesis/History section.
Version 3.4 (400) on 29-Jan-1985
Internal version; never released. Source
code accidentally destroyed, much to the
consternation of one of the authors. Cleaned up
many bugs. Added sections: Disclaimer of
Liability, Instructions for Use, Scoring, and
Warranty Information.
Version 3.5 (400) on 10-Apr-1985
Rebuilt from the 3.3C.1 source and the 3.4 (only
surviving copy) Xerox X9700 laser printer
hardcopy. Cleaned up same bugs in 3.4; wiped
out a duplicate question. Added in verbose
history section.
Version 3.5A (400) on 13-Apr-1985: CMU/da, fa, tc, no, dt, sv,
rz, et al : Found that we had 431 questions
instead of 400.
Version 3.5B (400) on 18-Mar-1986: Yale (Pierson College)/ as
Intermediate release, with footnotes integrated
into main body of text and some grammatical
errors cleaned up. Begun in Fall, 1985;
finished in April for the benefit of a friend at
MIT (where it all began), who hadn't seen any
versions except the antique Version 1.
Version 3.5C (400) on 17-Jan-1988: Yale (Pierson College)/mmd
(CLARINET @ YALEVM): Grammatical errors
corrected. Introduction and history cleaned up.
Version 4.0 (500) on 23-April-1988: Yale (Silliman College)/dfc,
ad, dcg, mlm, and Dartmouth (Alpha Theta)/alb.
Original 400-question version expanded to 500
questions.
Version 5.0 (1) on 19-June-1989: SUNY College at Oswego and SUNY
University at Buffalo. Ludicrously long 500-
question version trimmed to 1 question.
Version 5.01 (1) on 11-September-1989: Final proofread and edit
of 1 question version and preparation for
release to the world.
Version 5.02 (350) on 29-March-90: Rochester Institute of
Technology/pmb1566, bjp2399, kgb8752, pcb4226.
(all @ vaxc.isc.rit.edu) Reduced number of
questions, while adding some new ones.
Basically, our scores on the old one got really
low so we wanted to put some sport back into
sex.
___________________________________________________________________________
Instructions for Use:
This is a fairly short test consisting of 350 questions (quite
time consuming). There are many ways of going about taking this
test. You can, of course, as your right, guaranteed by the
Constitution, be antisocial and sequester yourself in your room
and take this test all by yourself; however, we feel that the
funnest way to utilize this test is to hold a Purity Test Party.
All you need is one copy of the test, and a bunch of friends.
(Lots of writing implements and paper would be useful too.) The
person with the copy of the test is the test administrator; s/he
reads the question out loud and everybody else writes down their
answer. We have no definite rules as to whether the participants
are required to divulge their answer; that is up to the group to
decide. However, each person's purity score should be made
common knowledge. (The person with the highest score gets to be
giggled at for the rest of his/her life.) This works great at
parties and lets everybody know who's easy and who isn't, so
you'll know who to go home with. Don't leave home without it.
Definitions
All questions in this test pertain to events that have happened
to you subsequent to your weaning and
babyhood/infancy/manufacture. Anything that may have happened
before that time is considered not standing and void.
The term mutual masturbation refers to someone or something
masturbating you AND/OR you masturbating someone or something
else, not exclusively both at the same time.
We would now like to bring to your attention that there is no
passing nor failing score. Therefore, one really shouldn't
worry too much about getting a high score... even if you do get
giggled at for the rest of your life.
--- ALL TECHNICALITIES COUNT ---
(Editor's Note: These rules have been slightly modified, but have
maintained their original flavor, including embarrassing
references to masturbation and giggling.)
(Editor 2's Note: All the writers of this test have taken this
test, and the top score was a thirty. If you have a comparable
score, or less, then send us your name, phone number, address,
and a picture of you involved with one of these questions and we
will send you some help and put you on our mailing list.)
___________________________________________________________________________
Section 1: The Household Appliances. 20 Questions.
For this section, if you are mostly a:
- human being, who has ever seen a household appliance,
then your partner in deed, often
referred to by the word "appliance" or
"item", is to be something of no
gender, but has very interesting
qualities.
Have you ever had sex, oral sex, or been involved in mutual
masturbation in, on, or with any of the following:
1. A vacuum cleaner?
2. ... while it was on?
3. A mini-vac?
4. ... while it was on?
5. A floor buffer?
6. ... while it was on?
7. A washing machine?
8. ... while it was on?
9. ... while it was on spin cycle?
10. A clothes dryer?
11. ... while it was on?
12. A television?
13. ... while it was on?
14. A vcr?
15. ... while it was on?
16. ... while it was recording?
17. ... while it was recording you?
18. ... did it have good tracking?
19. A satelite dish?
20. ... while it was tracking?
Section 2: Lawn & Garden. 30 Questions.
For this section, if you are mostly a:
- human being, who has ever seen a household garden
tool, then your partner in deed, often
referred to by the word "garden tool"
or "honey", is to be something of no
gender, but has very interesting
qualities.
Have you ever had sex, oral sex, or been involved in mutual
masturbation in, on, or with any of the following:
21. a rake?
22. a pitch fork?
23. ... after it had been used to move manure?
24. a shovel?
25. ... after it had been used to move manure?
26. a hoe?
27. hedge clippers?
28. a sickle?
29. a garden weasel?
30. a pickax?
31. a fence?
32. ... was it electric?
33. ..... while it was on?
34. ... was it barbed?
35. a roto-tiller?
36. ... while it was on?
37. a weed wacker/eater/whatever_you_need_now?
38. ... while it was on?
39. a lawn mower?
40. ... while it was on?
41. electric hedge trimmers?
42. ... while it was on?
43. a chain saw?
44. ... while it was on?
45. ... was the chain sharp?
46. ... was it double sided?
47. ... did you bleed?
48. ... did you go to the hospital for more than 1 week?
49. a tool shed?
50. a bag of lime?
Before continuing onto the next section, you must have at least
three yes answers from section 2.
Section 3: Kitchen Appliances. 60 Questions.
For this section, if you are mostly a:
- human being, who has ever seen a kitchen appliance,
then your partner in deed, often
referred to by the word "appliance" or
"darling", is to be something of no
gender, but has very interesting
qualities.
Have you ever had sex, oral sex, or been involved in mutual
masturbation in, on, or with any of the following:
51. a blender?
52. ... while it was on?
53. ... while you were making a shake?
54. ... while it was on puree?
55. a toaster?
56. ... while it was on?
57. ... using all of the holes?
58. ... was it on extra dark?
59. a toaster oven?
60. ... while it was on?
61. ... while it was on broil?
62. the refrigerator?
63. ... While it was on?
64. ... While the door was closed?
65. ... Did the light go out?
66. ... Was the meat in the meat drawer?
67. ... Did you have a meaningful relationship with the Velveeta (TM)?
68. the freezer?
69. are you hard/wet yet?
70. ... did the ice cubes melt?
71. ... did the Arm & Hammer (TM) make any difference in the flavor/feel of the ice CREAM?
72. the stove?
73. ... with a gas stove?
74. ... with a wood burning stove?
75. ... with an electric stove?
76. ... while eggs were cooking on the bacon?
77. the oven?
78. ... was it on?
79. ... was it self-cleaning?
80. ... did you use Pam (TM) ?
81. ... was it set to over 300 F (150 C)
82. the microwave?
83. ... was it on?
84. ... are you sterile?
85. ... did you feel like a Gremlin (TM)?
86. ... is there anything like stuffin' in the microwave oven?
87. the meat grinder?
88. ... while meat was in it?
89. ... while you were in it?
90. the food processor?
91. ... did you ever loose an appendage?
92. ... were you processed?
93. ... did it come out the way you wanted it to?
94. ... did it null the guarantee?
95. the can opener?
96. ... was it electric?
97. ... was it on?
98. the egg beater?
99. ... Was it electric?
100. ... was it on?
101. ... was it fun?
102. the cheese grater?
103. ... were you going slow?
104. ... were you going fast?
105. ... did you eat the gratings later?
106. the popcorn maker?
107. ... was it on?
108. ... was it a hot air popper?
109. ... was there popcorn in it?
110. ... was your special sauce better than butter?
Section 4: Construction Tools. 25 Questions.
For this section, if you are mostly a:
- human being, who has ever seen a construction tool,
then your partner in deed, often
referred to by the word "heavy
equipment" or "God", is to be something
of no gender, but has very interesting,
if painful, qualities.
Have you ever had sex, oral sex, been involved in mutual
masturbation, and/or backhoeing in, on, or with any of the
following:
111. a jackhammer?
112. ... while it was on?
113. a bulldozer?
114. ... while it was dozing?
115. a crane?
116. ... was the boom erect?
117. a cement mixer?
118. ... did you get dizzy?
119. ... did you get stuck?
120. ... was assistance required to get you unstuck?
121. a pyle driver?
122. ... while it was driving?
123. a dump truck?
124. a grader?
125. a payloader?
126. a backhoe?
127. a hammer?
128. a screwdriver?
129. ... was it electric?
130. ... was it air-powered?
131. ... was it a phillips head?
132. a blow torch?
133. ... while it was on?
134. a pipe reamer?
135. ... was it electric?
Section 5: Automotive. 20 Questions.
For this section, if you are mostly a:
- human being, who has ever seen a car or automotive
tool, then your partner in deed, often
referred to by the word "Bessie" or
"Car", is to be something of no gender,
but has very interesting qualities.
Have you ever had sex, oral sex, been involved in mutual
masturbation, and/or backfiring in, on, or with any of the
following:
136. an air hose?
137. an air valve?
138. a carburetor?
139. a fan?
140. ... while it was fanning?
141. the battery?
142. ... was it a shocking experience?
143. the radiator?
144. ... was it hot?
145. gas tank?
146. an oil drum?
147. ... did you drink the oil later?
148. a muffler?
149. a spark plug?
150. ... did it spark?
151. the cigarette lighter?
152. ... was it hot?
153. Have you ever used extracted oil as a lubricant?
154. ... while it was hot?
155. Have you ever been involved in the use of a penis as a tire iron or jack?
Section 6: Snow Moving Devices. 15 Questions.
For this section, if you are mostly a:
- human being, who has ever seen a car or automotive
tool, then your partner in deed, often
referred to by the word "instrument" or
"snow removal device", is to be
something of no gender, but has very
interesting qualities.
Have you ever had sex, oral sex, been involved in mutual
masturbation, and/or blowing in, on, or with any of the
following:
156. a shovel?
157. a glove?
158. an ice scraper?
159. ... was it sharp?
160. an ice brush?
161. a lock de-icer?
162. a can of WD-40?
163. a snow blower?
164. ... was it on?
165. ... was there snow on the ground?
166. ... was it electric?
167. a vehicle-mounted snow plow?
168. a publicly owned vehicle-mounted snow plow?
169. ... was it a V- plow?
170. Have you ever been involved in the use a penis, breast, or tush as a snow removal device?
Section 7: High Technology. 40 Questions.
For this section, if you are mostly a:
- human being, who has ever seen a car or automotive
tool, then your partner in deed, often
referred to by the word "piece of shit"
or "fucking vax", is to be something of
no gender, but has very interesting
qualities.
[Editor's note: Some of the items in this topic were debatable as
high technology, but they don't fit anywhere else so they ended
up here by default. e.g., Vax, etc.]
Have you ever had sex, oral sex, been involved in mutual
masturbation, and/or backhoeing in, on, or with any of the
following:
171. a vax?
172. ... was it down for backups?
173. a modem?
174. ... after downloading for more than 16 hours?
175. ... was it dialed up?
176. ... was it online?
177. ... was there line noise?
178. a fax machine?
179. a copying machine?
180. a PC?
181. ... did it have a hard drive at the time?
182. ... did you?
183. an answering machine?
184. ... did you record a message during it?
185. ... did you receive a reply?
186. a stereo?
187. a compact disc player?
188. a tape player?
189. ... did it have Dolby (TM) noise reduction?
190. ... did it help?
191. ... did you have to clean the heads afterwards?
192. ... did it give good head?
193. a television?
194. a VCR?
195. ... was the tracking good?
196. ... have you tried EP (a long time, but poor quality)?
197. ... have you tried SP (short time, but good quality)?
198. a telephone?
199. a digital alarm clock?
200. a dook?
201. a joystick?
202. ... was it joyful?
203. a line printer?
204. ... while it was printing?
205. ... did it have a new ribbon?
206. ... do you have the lines to prove it?
207. a walkman?
208. Have you ever been involved in a gang bang with a vax cluster?
209. Have you ever received a fax of genitalia?
210. ... while it was involved in sex, oral sex, or mutual masturbation?
Section 8: Musical instruments. 60 Questions.
For this section, if you are mostly a:
- human being, who has ever seen a car or automotive
tool, then your partner in deed, often
referred to by the word "long-necked
pal" or "gee this sounds awful", is to
be something of no gender, but has very
interesting qualities.
Have you ever had sex, oral sex, been involved in mutual
masturbation, and/or playing in, on, or with any of the
following:
211. a flute?
212. ... was it an open hole flute?
213. ... was anyone trying to play it?
214. a sexaphone?
215. a clarinet?
216. a bassoon?
217. an oboe?
218. a piccolo?
219. a guitar?
220. ... was it electric?
221. a bass?
222. ... was it electric?
223. a cello?
224. a viola?
225. a ukulele?
226. a violin?
227. a banjo?
228. a trumpet?
229. a French horn?
230. a trombone?
231. a flugelhorn?
232. a bugle?
233. a tuba?
234. a baritone?
235. a sousaphone?
236. a piano?
237. an organ?
238. a harpsichord?
239. a glockenspiel?
240. a synthesizer?
241. a harp?
242. a xylophone?
243. a vibraphone?
244. ... did it vibrate nicely?
245. a marimba?
246. a bell tree?
247. a triangle?
248. a guiro?
249. castanets?
250. chimes?
251. wood blocks?
252. symbols?
253. claves?
254. an accordion?
255. a kazoo?
256. a harmonica?
257. a tympani?
258. a bass drum?
259. a snare drum?
260. a drum stick?
261. a floor tom?
262. a high hat?
263. hit stix?
264. a drum pad?
265. a midi sequencer?
266. a mandolin?
267. a slide whistle?
268. a disk platter? (sounds great)
269. an armpit?
270. a bottle?
Section 9: Office Supplies. 30 Questions.
For this section, if you are mostly a:
- human being, who has ever seen a car or automotive
tool, then your partner in deed, often
referred to by the word "office thing"
or "see, I can bend it into the shape
of a small animal", is to be something
of no gender, but has very interesting
qualities.
Have you ever had sex, oral sex, been involved in mutual
masturbation, and/or stapling in, on, or with any of the
following:
271. a stapler?
272. an electric stapler?
273. a staple remover?
274. ... was it right after an incident with a stapler?
275. a staple gun?
276. paper clips?
277. white out?
278. an eraser?
279. a pen?
280. a typewriter?
281. ... was it electric?
282. ... did it have a spell checker?
283. a pencil?
284. ... was it mechanical?
285. a paper?
286. ... was it lined?
287. ... was it legal?
288. post-it notes?
289. a rubber band?
290. a desk lamp?
291. ... was it on?
292. ... did it have a bulb?
293. a file cabinet?
294. a paper shredder?
295. ... was it on?
296. a pair of scissors?
297. a hole punch?
298. a high-lighter?
299. Have you ever been involved in the use of genitalia as a writing device?
300. ... as an eraser?
Section 10: Adhesive substances. 25 Questions.
For this section, if you are mostly a:
- human being, who has ever seen a car or automotive
tool, then your partner in deed, often
referred to by the word "sticky stuff"
or "hey, I'm stuck!", is to be
something of no gender, but has very
interesting qualities.
Have you ever had sex, oral sex, been involved in mutual
masturbation, and/or sticking in, on, or with any of the
following:
301. scotch tape?
302. masking tape?
303. packing tape?
304. electrical tape?
305. carpet tape?
306. double sided tape?
307. magnetic tape?
308. poster tape?
309. duct tape?
310. white glue?
311. rubber cement?
312. ... was it ribbed?
313. epoxy?
314. super glue?
315. caulking?
316. glue sticks?
317. ... were they hot?
318. ... did you melt them?
319. wood glue?
320. modeling glue?
321. cement?
322. concrete?
323. fun tack?
324. solder?
325. ... did you melt it?
Section 11: Style. 25 Questions.
Have you ever had sex, oral sex, or mutual masturbation while:
326. being run down by a land vehicle?
327. ... a water vehicle?
328. falling off a building higher than 6 floors? (You must fall from the roof to get this point.)
329. ... 20 floors?
330. ... 50 floors?
331. ... did you die?
332. bunji jumping?
333. ... without a safety harness?
334. ... while you were being supported via your genitals?
335. in quicksand?
336. on a newly paved, still hot road?
337. a cactus patch?
338. on top of a TV transmitter tower?
339. ... while it was on?
340. ... did you swipe a dook?
341. on a stage?
342. ... in front of an audience?
343. ... was your appearance unscheduled?
344. in a blizzard?
345. on a gravel road?
346. on a gravel road during a hail storm?
347. performing CPR on someone?
348. performing the Heimlich maneuver?
349. listening to Art of Noise?
350. performing an Art of Noise video?
___________________________________________________________________________
I. Scoring
Congratulations! You are now the proud owner of a sheet of paper
containing many itty-bitty answers to the Purity Test (Ooooooh!).
Sworn to excellence of workmanship, we now give you directions on
how to calculate your Purity score. There are several methods;
the calculator method works best. Also there is the a la
mainframe method. (A DECsystem-2060 works great as a PC.)
Scoring method: Count "yes" answers.
Subtract that number from 350.
Divide that result by 3.5.
The result is your percentage purity.
The higher the number, the more pure you are; in the same vein,
the lower the score, the more of a sleaze-bag you are. (Kinda
cut-and-dry, black-and-white, eh?)
For your reference, we include calculator directions:
For people with real calculators (HP):
350 [ENTER] <# of YES answers> - 3.5 /
For people with other (dinky) calculators:
350 - <# of YES answers> / 3.5 =
___________________________________________________________________________
II. Warranty Information
We hope that you have enjoyed this test. It does not come
with a warranty, nor does it guarantee that it will get you laid
or make you somehow somewhat better in bed or the haystack.
The makers of this test are not responsible for any
liabilities or damages resulting from this test, including but
not limited to paternity suits.
Ask your doctor or pharmacist.
Do not open back panel; no user serviceable parts inside.
Propagate (this test) at will, even without the written
permission of the publisher; just DON'T edit or change it. In
reproducing this test, the authors of this test may exercise
droit de seigneur over you, your immediate family, or fiance(e).
You may or may not have additional rights which may vary from
state to state (i.e. inebriated, ecstacy).
Not recommended for children under twelve. Parental
guidance discouraged and frowned upon. Pencils, additional
paper, and batteries not included. Some assembly may be
required. Does not come with any other figures.
___________________________________________________________________________
Drive carefully; 90% of the people in the world are caused by
accidents.
The above is a public service announcement of this institution.