2024-01-29 - Skills For Intimate Conversation by Dr. John Gottman ================================================================= Rule ==== The rule is that understanding must precede advice. In the Art & Science of Love Workshop, Drs. John and Julie Gottman tell couples that the goal of an intimate conversation is only to understand, not to problem-solve. Premature problem solving tends to shut people down. Problem solving should only begin when both people feel totally understood. Skill 1: Putting Your Feelings Into Words ========================================= The first skill is being able to put one's feelings into words. This skill was called "focusing" by master clinician Eugene Gendlin. He said that when people are able to find the right images, phrases, metaphors, and words to fit our feelings, there is a kind of "resolution" one feels on one's body, an easing of tension. In intimate conversations, focusing makes conversations about feelings much deeper and more intimate, because the words reveal who we are. Focusing by Eugene Gendlin <gopher://tilde.pink/1/~bencollver/log/ 2018-07-05-focusing-by-eugene-gendlin/> Skill 2: Asking Open-Ended Questions ===================================== The second skill of intimate conversations is helping one's partner explore her or his feelings by asking open-ended questions. This is done by either asking targeted questions, like, "What is your disaster scenario here?" or making specific statements that explore feelings like, "Tell me the story of that!" [IOW the classic news reporter questions: Who? What? Where? When? Why? How?] Skill 3: Expressing Empathy (Validation) ======================================== The third skill is empathy, or validation. Empathy isn't easy. In an intimate conversation, the first two skills help us sense and explore another person's thoughts, feelings, and needs. Empathy is shown by communication that these thoughts, feelings, and needs make sense to you. That you understand why the other person's experience. That does not mean that you necessarily agree with this person. You might, for example, have an entirely different memory or interpretation of events. Empathy means communicating that, given your partner's perceptions, these thoughts, feelings, and needs are valid and make sense. You have your own perceptions. Both of your perceptions are valid. [And NVC teaches that even a failed attempt at empathy is a better start than no attempt at all.] From: <https://www.gottman.com/blog/ dr-gottmans-3-skills-and-1-rule-for-intimate-conversation/> tags: article,connection,self-help Tags ==== article <gopher://tilde.pink/1/~bencollver/log/tag/article/> connection <gopher://tilde.pink/1/~bencollver/log/tag/connection/> self-help <gopher://tilde.pink/1/~bencollver/log/tag/self-help/>