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date: 05/29/2024
subj: comment 05292024_050925
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love relations:
death thoughts:

A year ago and some give or take a few months, I lay in her bed, our bed, under
her roof holding her hand as she fell asleep. As I look out the skylight in the
the moon lit city reflecting into the room where I watch the clouds. I thought
this moment is leaving me, and I will never have it again. During that time a
instant like that was so sweet, so good, no future moment could be equally good,
I could barely bare it. Tears in my eyes and heart, I didn't want to live
without her in my life. I know I grow uglier each day, my verility is fading and
my thoughts are so binary without the moment I'm in nothing else matters. I
could never describe how or why the moment I was experiencing would never appear
again. Not a moment like young people are in love for the first time, although
the heartbreak is similar to the emptiness I feel, and percieve; but, more akin
to the love of a family member combined with a lover. There could never be
and the pain I experience looking into the abysmal bleekness of forgetting who
I was part of, and the part I was of, forgets me again to wander alone in the
vastness of strangers, is far to much to bare. As night appears, and my eyelids
grow heavy the dread appears, as the dawn signals less of the young me, more of
the older me, less of my strength, less of my verility, less of my abilities.

Today as I lay in her bed, our bed, next to her listening to her in the night
I love her even more, and as I think about the moment I hoped to continue living
I find the belief I'm living in must be a wonderful dream I hope to never wake.
In my deam I pray for enough life to be here with her every day of her life, and
that her life is as long and as full as life can be. And if there is ever an end
of my place next to her, may mercy fall upon me that I may find something in
the moments of this life that has any meaning. Its so hard to believe there
ever could be by comparison. 

I was blessed, on day I met her, and we have been together ever since. 

I love you. You are my world, and the sun that shines in it. I know nothing more
dangerouse to the soul to let someone be your sun and world. I was blessed or
cursed, addle minded, risking all. I hope to be part of the great family over a
million years old, walking the sands of earth and time, doing my little part to 
keep it going until I too lay down to never rise, and become the dust of our
world until the dark once takes up its reign again forever more where space has
no meaning and time doesn't exist.