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Internet Board of Disease Control
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TO WHOM IT MAY CONCERN,
I regret to inform you that you have been named as
a possible cyber-sexual partner of someone who has
tested positive for the ATTICS (Affliction Transmitted
Through Internet Chat Sex) virus. It would benifit
you to be tested and/or treated for this disease.
ATTICS is highly contagious and can be spread
by a simple "f@ck you" or "muuuuaaaahhhhh".
It appears to be predominent in WebTV users
but has been detected in the PC community.
Amusing as this may sound this is no laughing matter!
ATTICS is a mainly psychological disorder but can
fester into physical ailments if not treated. You will
be provided with a list of symptoms, if you have any
of these contact this office and forward this notice
to all your cyber-sexual contacts!
The following is a list of symptoms, onset of these
symptoms may be immediate or may remain undetected
for years. PLEASE do not ignore these warning signs!
KEYBOARD COURAGE:
The threatening of another chatter for no logical reason.
WOOHOO:
The uncontrollable urge to say wooooohoooooo to anything
that may be deemed sexual in nature (may be a result of
overactive woohoormones).
HOLIDAY INN-hibition:
The need to take someone to a private room.
P.T.P.U.D. (POST TRAMATIC POP UP DISORDER):
Heavy reliance on popups.
HORIZONTAL RETNAL SCAN:
Inability to read anything that doesn't scroll up.
LOSS OF FINGERNAILS.
BEDPAN COMPLEX:
Having a bucket next to the TV for human waste.
CYBER TERRETTS SYNDROME:
The random shouting of obscenities every time the phone
rings.
RED EYE: Elimiination of any whites from the eye.
VIRTUAL SPEED:
The ability to make 2 lunches, fold a load of laundry,
go pee, and put in a video, before your last comment
leaves the screen.
SLEEP APATHY:
Going without sleep to chat.
CYBER ANNOREXIA:
Going without food to chat.
SYMBOLIC DSYLEXIA:
The use of initials instead of words ie.:
LMAO=LAUGHING MY A$$ OFF.
NIC IDENTITY CRISIS:
The adoption of a nic as a second name.
If you encounter any of these symptoms feel free
to contact me.
THANKS FOR YOUR TIME,
Dr. Pete O. Fender Internet Board of Disease Control
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