Top 10 Things to do at the Mall

10. At the bottom of an escalator, scream "MY SHOELACES! AAAGH!"
9. At the stylist, ask to have the hair on your back permed.
8. Ask a saleswoman whether a particular shade of panties matches
the color of your beard.
7. Sneak up on saleswomen at the perfume counter and spray them
with your own bottle of Eau de Swanke.
6. Collect stacks of paint brochures and hand them out as religious
tracts.
5. At the pet store, ask if they have bulk discounts on gerbils,
and whether there's much meat on them.
4. Hand a stack of pants back to the changing room attendant and
scornfully announce that none of them are "leak proof".
3. Ask appliance personnel if they have any TVs that play only
in Spanish.
2. Try pants on backwards at the Gap. Ask the salesperson if they
make your butt look big.
1. Show people your driver's license and demand to know "whether
they've seen this man."