Jokes
Here you can shitpost your jokes that are somehow related to this wiki's
topic. Just watch out for [1]copyright (no copy-pasting jokes from other
sites)!
Please do NOT post lame "big-bang-theory"/[2]9gag jokes like sudo make
sandwich or there are 10 types of people.
Also remember the worst thing you can do to a joke is put a [3]disclaimer
on it. Never fucking do that.
{ Many of the jokes are original, some are shamelessly pulled from other
sites and reworded. I don't believe [4]copyright can apply if the
expression of a joke is different, ideas can't be copyrighted. Also the
exact origins of jokes are difficult to track so it's probably a kind of
folklore. ~drummyfish }
{ I would like to thank one anonymous friend who contributed to me many
ideas for jokes here :D I usually modified them slightly. ~drummyfish }
* [5]C++
* Why is the maximum speed called terminal velocity? Because [6]GUIs are
slow.
* What's the worst kind of [7]lag? Gulag.
* Ingame chat: "What's the country in the middle of north Africa?"
[8]{BANNED}
* What sound does an angry [9]C programmer make? ARGCCCC ARGVVVVVVVV
* I have a mentally ill friend who tried to design the worst
[10]operating system on purpose. It boots for at least 10 minutes,
then it changes the user's desktop background to random ads and it
randomly crashes to make the user angry. He recently told me he is
getting sued by [11]Microsoft for violating their look and feel.
* I am using a super minimal system, it only has one package installed
on it. It is called [12]systemd.
* Any [13]Windows tutorial is really best called a "crash course".
* How do you know a project is truly [14]suckless? The readme is longer
than the program itself.
* How do you know a project is truly [15]LRS? Its manifesto is longer
than the program itself.
* How do you know a project is truly [16]bloated? Instructions on how to
build it are longer than whole specification of a [17]suckless
programming language. { Also [18]tranny software: [19]COC is longer
than source code etcetc. ~drummyfish }
* Do you use [20]Emacs? No, I already have an [21]operating system.
* Do you use [22]Emacs? No, I already have a [23]waifu.
* Do you use [24]Emacs? No, I already have carpal tunnel. Etc. :D
* alias bitch=sudo
* What's a trilobyte? 8 trilobits.
* "Never test for a bug that you don't know how to fix." --manager; "If
we cannot fix it, it isn't broken." --also manager
* a joke for minimalists:
* When is [25]Micro$oft finally gonna make a product that doesn't
suck???! Probably when they start manufacturing vacuum cleaners.
* Can [26]free software lead to insanity? I don't know, but it can make
you [27]GNUts.
* Man sits on a toilet, taking a [28]shit, he takes a piece of toilet
paper, wipes sweat off of his face, then wipes his ass with it and
goes away. The next day he does the same, he sits, takes a shit, wipes
his face, wipes his ass, goes away. The third day he goes to the
toilet, takes a shit, wipes his ass, wipes his face... oh shit :D { I
came up with this when I was taking a shit. ~drummyfish }
* Political activists walk into a bar. [29]Pseudoleftist tells his
friends: "hey guys, how about we have oppressive rulers and call them
a [30]government?" Capitalist says: "well no, let's have oppressive
rulers and call them [31]corporations". [32]Liberal replies: "Why not
both?". Monarchist goes: "no, it's all wrong, let's have oppressive
rulers and call them Kings." To this pseudo communist says: "that's
just shit, let's have oppressive rulers and call them the
[33]proletariat". Then [34]anarcho pacifist turns to them and says:
"Hmmm, how about we don't have any oppressive rulers?". They lynch
him.
* There are a lot of jokes at https://jcdverha.home.xs4all.nl/scijokes/.
Also http://textfiles.com/humor/JOKES/,
http://textfiles.com/humor/TAGLINES/quotes-1.txt and so on. Also on
[35]wikiwikiweb under CategoryJoke, ProgrammerLightBulbJokes, also
https://www.gnu.org/fun/ etc.
* Hello, is this anonymous [36]pedophile help hotline? Yes. My 8yo
daughter begs for sex, can we do penetration right away or should we
start with anal?
* What do you call a [37]woman that made a computer explode just by
typing on it? Normal.
* Does the invisible hand exist in the [38]free market? Maybe, but if so
then all it's doing is masturbating (or giving us a middle finger).
* 90% of statistics are fake.
* When will they remove the [39]touch and [40]kill commands from
[41]Unix? Probably when they rename [42]man pages to person pages.
* If [43]law was viewed as a programming code, it would be historically
the worst case of [44]bloated [45]spaghetti code littered with
[46]magic constants, undefined symbols and dead code, which is
additionally deployed silently and without any [47]testing. Yet it's
the most important algorithm of our society.
* C++ is to C as brain cancer is to brain.
* [48]Entropy is no longer what it used to be. Nostalgia too.
* At the beginning there was [49]machine code. Then they added
[50]assembly on top of it to make it more comfortable. To make
programs portable they created an [51]operating system and a layer of
[52]syscalls. Except it didn't work because other people made other
operating systems with different syscalls. So to try to make it
portable again they created a high-level language [53]compiler on top
of it. To make it yet more comfortable they created yet a higher level
language and made a [54]transpiler to the lower level language. To
make building more platform independent and comfortable they created
[55]makefiles on top of it. However, more jobs were needed so they
created [56]CMake on top of makefiles, just in case. It seems like
CMake nowadays seems too low level so a new layer will be needed above
all the meta-meta-meta build systems. I wonder how high of a tower we
can make, maybe they're just trying to get a Guinness world record for
the greatest bullshit sandwich in history.
* How to install a package on [57]Debian? I don't know, but on my
[58]Arch it's done with pacman.
* [59]green [60]capitalism :'D my sides
* Difference between a beginner and pro programmer? Pro programmer fails
in a much more sophisticated manner.
* What is a [61]computer? A device that can make a hundred million very
precise mistakes per second.
* How many [62]Python programmers do you need to change a lightbulb?
Only one -- he holds the bulb while the world revolves around him.
* After all it may not take so long to establish our [63]utopia. By the
time [64]Windows has updated we will have already done it ten times
over.
* One of the great milestones yet left to be achieved by science is to
find intelligent life in our Solar System.
* An evil capitalist, good capitalist and [65]female genius walk in the
park. A bee stings one of them. Who did it sting? The evil
capitalists, the other two don't exist.
* Cool statistics: 9 out of 10 people enjoy a gang [66]rape.
* Basement hackers never die, they just smell that way. Musicians never
die, they just decompose (and musicians working part time are
[67]semiconductors).
* int randomInt(void) { int x; return x; }
* Boss: "We're going to need to store additional information about
gender of all 1600 people in our database." Me: "OK that's only 200
extra bytes.". Diversity department: "You're fired."
* the [68]downto operator
* [69]Schizophrenia beats being alone.
* Our new [70]app partly adopts the [71]KISS philosophy, specifically
the "stupid" part.
* I just had sex with a German chick, for some reason she kept yelling
her age. (Or maybe she just didn't consent.)
* I find it much more pleasant to browse the web on a 1 bit display, it
can't display a [72]rainbow.
* What's long and sticky? A stick.
* The term military intelligence is an oxymoron. The term criminal
lawyer is a redundancy.
* Why are [73]noobs the most pacifist beings in existence? Because they
never beat anyone.
* What does short circuited [74]capacitor and [75]gratis software have
in common? They are free of charge.
* You scratch my [76]tape, I scratch yours.
* There's a new version of Debian Bull's Eye that's compiled exclusively
with [77]Rust. Its code name is [78]Bull's Shit.
* [79]Manager is that who thinks 9 women can produce a child in 1 month.
* Have you heard the [80]atheists are starting their own non-prophet?
* The latest [81]gender studies paper concluded that if God exists, he
is both man and woman, black and white, child and adult, straight and
homosexual. Basically imagine Michael Jackson.
* Those who can, do. Those who cannot, teach. Those who cannot teach,
[82]do business.
* How do you accelerate a [83]Windows PC? By dropping it out of the
window.
* Shakespeare for programmers: 0x2b || !0x2b. { This one is a bit lame
but at least it's not so common :D ~drummyfish }
* An [84]Apple a day keeps [85]sanity away.
* The goal of [86]computer science is to create things that will last at
least until we're finished building them.
* How many lesbians do you need to screw a lightbulb? Eleven: one to
screw it and ten to talk about how great it was doing it without a
man.
* A fine is tax for doing bad, a tax is fine for doing good.
* What do you like most in a [87]woman? My dick.
* [88]USA is the fastest progressing country in the world: it managed to
jump from the uncivilized stage right to decadence without even going
through the transitional stage of civilization.
* Hey I won a box with lifetime supply of condoms in an [89]assembly
programming competition! Turns out the box was just empty.
* The new version of [90]Windows is going to be backdoor free! The
backdoor will be free of charge.
See Also
* [91]LMAO
* [92]fun
Links:
1. copyright.md
2. 9gag.md
3. disclaimer.md
4. copyright.md
5. cpp.md
6. gui.md
7. lag.md
8. niger.md
9. c.md
10. os.md
11. microsoft.md
12. systemd.md
13. windows.md
14. suckless.md
15. lrs.md
16. bloat.md
17. comun.md
18. tranny_software.md
19. coc.md
20. emacs.md
21. os.md
22. emacs.md
23. waifu.md
24. emacs.md
25. microsoft.md
26. free_software.md
27. gnu.md
28. shit.md
29. pseudoleft
30. government.md
31. corporation.md
32. liberal.md
33. proletariat.md
34. anpac.md
35. wikiwikiweb.md
36. pedophilia.md
37. woman.md
38. free_market.md
39. touch.md
40. kill.md
41. unix.md
42. man_page.md
43. law.md
44. bloat.md
45. spaghetti_code.md
46. magic_constant.md
47. testing.md
48. entropy.md
49. machine_code.md
50. assembly.md
51. os.md
52. syscall.md
53. compiler.md
54. transpiler.md
55. makefile.md
56. cmake.md
57. debian.md
58. arch.md
59. greenwashing.md
60. capitalism.md
61. computer.md
62. python.md
63. less_retarded_society.md
64. windows.md
65. woman.md
66. rape.md
67. semicoductor.md
68. downto.md
69. schizo.md
70. app.md
71. kiss.md
72. lgbt.md
73. noob.md
74. capacitor.md
75. freeware.md
76. tape.md
77. rust.md
78. bullshit.md
79. manager.md
80. atheism.md
81. gender_studies.md
82. entrepreneur.md
83. windows.md
84. apple.md
85. lrs.md
86. compsci.md
87. woman.md
88. usa.md
89. assembly.md
90. windows.md
91. lmao.md
92. fun.md