24-05-2020 09:44:15.15

I've been pretty depressed since Sarah left. It had been months since I'd spent time with a friend. With anyone really who wasn't an elderly parent. That's too long. I can manage, in regular times, to get the social interaction i need from strangers. Those times when there's nobody close who's also close at hand i can have a conversation with whoever on the street. Less so here than in the city even in the regular times. Here, with COVID-19, opportunities for random encounters are minimal. I hadn't realized how lonely i was until she showed up. Now she's gone again and i am very aware of how lonely i am.

It's self reinforcing too, the loneliness. Not being around people makes me feel even more alienated than being with people. Since quitting drinking I've gotten comfortable with being quiet and awkward in groups and that still feels like an accomplishment. Lately I've been steering away from people. Not for fear of getting sick or getting someone else sick but more from a sense that we just don't have anything to say to each other. The best outcome available is "not a threat". Partially it's just that the people here make me nervous with the guns and the flags and the big trucks. 

There's been an informal parade every Friday night on Main Street: folks cruising up and down honking and shouting, racing their engines. I know that it's advertised as a community engagement thing. It's scary to behold from the outside though. I ran into it accidentally and was glad that i looked like those people or at least was glad that i didn't look different from them.

Next weekend I'm planning to meet up with some friends from the city. Go camping in the middle of nowhere. I'll take a week doing that and then have to self quarantine for a week around these parts. I don't want to bring it back here. It'll show back up eventually, i just don't want to be the one. The risk seems worth it though. This is just the way things are now and there is no sign that it will change in the foreseeable future.

My adjustments to the Kangaroo Kitchen were insufficient. I may be able to get a new needle valve tomorrow from the camping-supply-basement. Otherwise I'm going to have to buy a new camp stove. I bought a bunch of fairly pointless junk a couple weeks ago. I was posessesed by a madness. I really don't want to spend more money on a working version of a thing I've got two (possibly complementary) broken versions of. The weather looks promising though so I'm going to put off fixing the seals in the topper. If i throw a tarp over it most of the rain stays out and that's good enough for now