know thyself / throw thyself
A little microblog about finding myself in my 20s.
________
||Beware, here I'll be sharing personal info with strangers.
This microblog is for writing hard stuff out, making it
public makes it real. ||
---------
[04.05.24 19:04]
Some people travel the world (I have friends my
age who do), some people seek and find romantic and
sexual relationships (I have friends my age who do),
some people poor their heart and soul into their
work (I have friends my age who do).
I am 24 of age, and I will turn 25 in a few months.
This is the time for a quarter-life crisis. Or, quite
possibly, a 1/3th life crisis if my maternal
grandparents lifespan predicts anything about mine.
I do hope I get some more years than they did.
So in honour of my current >1/3 <1/4th life crises, I've
decided to find myself... and before traveling to India
and learning yoga and meditation before going full
on Abramelin and locking myself up for six (or
eighteen...) months invoking spirits before faking my
own death and moving to a remote island in Sweden,
before all those perfectly good options, I've decided to
start by using a wikiHow article.
This article: https://www.wikihow.com/Find-Yourself
Possible a 1/3th life crisis If the lifespan of my
maternal grandparents predicts anything about mine.
I do hope I get some more years than they did.
So in honour of my current >1/3 <1/4th life crises, I've
decided to find myself... and before traveling to India
and learning yoga and meditation before going full
on Abramelin and locking myself up for six (or
eighteen...) months invoking spirits before faking my
own death and moving to a remote island in Sweden,
before all those perfectly good options, I've decided to
start by using a wikiHow article.
This article: https://www.wikihow.com/Find-Yourself
I want to start by saying that this is no satire or
irony. I really am struggling with stress and other
people's expectations, and I do believe that finding out
more about myself and the way I seem to respond to the
the world will help deal with those. I'm not much of a writer
but I like lists, and gopher is the perfect place for lists
so it is here that I will post on my journey of self
discovery through the amazing medium of lists.
Lets start.
[04.05.24 19:53]
1. Life timeline
Major goals past:
- finished primary and secondary education
- made friends (hopefully) for life
- found a romantic partner
- shared a creative workspace
- finished a bachelors study in arts education
- fell hopelessly in love
- learned about my own gender and sexuality
- got a job at a cool local arts organisation
- fell in love with L
- got back together with L
- moved out of my parents house
- got an even cooler job at the cool arts organisation
- finished a masters study in heritage and museums
- made two large group exhibitions
- am slowly learning to deal with being sick
- found an extra job that makes good money
Major goals future:
- live together with L
- get my drivers licence
- find works that really fits me
- buy a house
- have a dreamy kitchen and garden
- visit my parents and other family regularly
- be a parent
I think I'd like to have more goals. Not huge life goals,
but more small in-between-goals.
Negative events in my past:
- was misunderstood by many teachers and bullied by one
- grew up with a chronically ill mother
- had trouble making friends
- experienced no sexual or romantic attraction in teens
- felt broken
- struggled to understand love in a relationship
- broke up with L
- got my heart broken quickly
- feeling intense love and heartbreak made me feel whole
- got my heart broken slowly by a friend
- made me feel hollow
- got sick
- I lost most social contacts because of COVID-19
-made new online friends who taught me a lot
- had to deal with seasonal depression
[05.05.24 09:06]
I have been thinking about goals yesterday and this morning.
When I had my morning coffee, I asked L's tarot for advice on
my goals. The results weren't that interesting. (Often, the
cards only tell me the things I already know. yaawnn... To me,
it's a sign I should get better at interpreting the cards) but
during the spread, I could not stop thinking about this
goal i typed here yesterday. The nice kitchen with a door to
the garden and a little seat. It's not a particularly large
kitchen, but it is very well-equipped. It is filled with
cookware: stainless steel, wood, copper, granite, and iron.
A warm summer breeze comes in through the open door. It smells
like fresh green herbs. It smells like the sun on wood. Some
cabinets are made
of wood, others of stone or tile, and have been well-used and
ready to be used for decades.
Spending a lot of time cooking in this dream kitchen is the
goal that at this moment inspires me most of all.
[20.07.24 12:35]
Reading the texts I have written before this one is good, over
the past few months I thought about this microblog for three or
four times and sort of felt ashamed of being so open. Am I
being dramatic on the internet, and thought of deleting this
know thyself section. Now I read it, with a clear and satisfied
summer mind and don't feel ashamed at all. It's good to come back
to these texts. Now in the end of July, almost LEO season, I feel
more composed, more confident, overall happier, especially when
the sun is as powerfull as it is today and I can be outside for
most of the day. I was supposed to do a workshop today, but noone
applied, its a shame I can't try out this concept and it would
have made good money, but sitting outside in the park is
definitly a pro.
The only thing thats a little cringeworthy in the first part of
the text is the thing about life-expectancy, yesterday my paternal
grandfather turned 90. And he was very happy to see us all
visiting him. I really don't care much about how old I'll get, like
my granthfather I'll be happy to have kind people around me and not
worry about age since there really is no way of knowing.