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     28-10-2024
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I was born as a man.

I'm glad I was. I very much enjoy being a man. It comes with
many, many benefits. Many of which I'm not even aware of, and
never will be.

It also comes with many disadvantages. Patriarchy gives me
a lot of benefits when it comes to the materialst aspects of
existence, but it also does a lot to dehumanize my emotional
aspects as a human being.
It goes further than the "boys don't cry" aspects that - 
luckily - society is starting to give more resistence to
in recent years (although the rise of people like Andrew
Tate in pop culture certainly hasn't helped).

There are many "masculine ideals" I've come to place upon
myself as a result of exisiting in a patriarchal society
and consuming the art it creates, with subliminal ideals being
perpetuated within it althewhile neither the artist nor I have
been aware of its presence. This has lead to me glorifying
self-sacrifice to an extreme point. I fetishize the idea of
suffering for the possibilty that it may one day
lead to being able to "provide" for others. Completely negating
the value in getting provided for when the opportunity presents
itself to my friends and family.
This not only leads to various degrees of self-destruction, 
but also denies others from achieving that which I myself also
desire so much.

If I can't let myself be vulnerable enough to admit when
I am in need of being taken care of, how should I expect
another person to grant me the privilege of letting me take
care of them? Is that not plain hypocricy?

I think it takes strength to say you need someone.
I think it it takes strength to let someone be there for you.
I think it takes strength to trust someone enough to let
yourself "feel ugly" around them.

I think it's something I'm going to have to practice.

My first step is going to be uploading this document, and
letting (an admitedly niche part of) the world know that
this part of me exists.

I don't feel really good about it yet,
but I suppose that's the point.