Sun Oct 30 03:37:53 UTC 2022


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# Location: Home
# Input Device: Voice
# Audio: Battery powered fan
# Visual: half full glass of rum and coke
# Energy: medium
# Mental: contemplative reflective
# Emotional: Lonely Mourning
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Quite a bit has been going on and I haven't taken the time to 
update the gopher blog. I will do my best to keep this short but 
accurate. I just returned from the triangle of sadness. This is a 
Reuben Oslund film about a group of people who are on a fancy 
cruise ship that shipwrecks and the class stratification of a 
that situation. Unfortunately it does not accurately reflect a 
cruise ship, the structure of the crew, what the duties and 
responsibilities of the crew are, who the captain would be just 
it's totally unrealistic, and so from my perspective it fell very 
flat. It was like a child explaining to her mother what their 
father does at work all day. I was disappointed because it was 
built or at least in the preview it seem to be an honest attempt 
to critique capitalist society and with the benefits of Socialism 
and communism might be. Oh well what did you expect?

I live in a condo building with assigned parking, and I only have 
one assigned parking spot but I have two motor bikes and a 
car. So I rent an extra space from one of my neighbors. She 
doesn't have a car and the neighbor who used to give her a ride 
to the liquor store and the grocery store gotten an argument with 
her or some kind of falling out happened. Anyway the end result 
is that instead of for in lieu of payment I'll just give her a 
ride to the store a couple of times a quarter maybe once or twice 
a month.    We went to the liquor store today and was a pleasant 
experience was able to go around and look at a lot of the 
different liquors and I came home with a bottle of spiced rum and 
a bottle of Jameson which is what I went there for and a bottle 
of Hennessey black which is the other thing I went there for those 
are my two liquors that I like to drink the most. 

The anonradio radio show has hit Another hurdle. I was able to do 
a pre-recorded show on Sunday night to air on Monday and then the 
rest of the week was unable to get myself to make the show. I 
think this coincides with the drop of gopher blog posts. 
Ultimately this seems to stem from my aversion to obligations.I'm 
not sure what to think of this or how to resolve it. I believe 
that the end result is that the show has to change fundamentally. 
I still would like to do a daily show but I think that I'll need 
to record most of the shows or the whole thing ahead of time. If 
it's all pre-recorded so far in advance I'm not sure if the time 
slot or timing is appropriate.Publius does to weekly radio shows 
and those are quite nice, but I really like doing a show every 
day. It's a real conundrum. Ultimately I don't have to or I'm not 
obligated to do anything. I do think it's ethically and morally 
better to provide a good consistent experience to the 
audience.I'm just afraid. 

----- Extra Stuff -----

Just a little bonus thought here I think this post is long 
enough. We've been doing a mindfulness challenge at work which is 
where we listen to and meditate at least 10 minutes a day for the 
month of October with up to three days that we miss or we don't 
track that we meditated that day.During that time I've been able 
to identify and begin working on a number of things. At the 
office I realize that a lot of the things that were frustrating 
me or that I found intolerable where instead coming from a 
personal fear. I feel very alone because there are only two of us 
in the office here in Austin and two are in California and one is 
in Singapore. We all get along well but working over chat 
messages and email with an occasional video call does not satisfy 
my need for social interaction. The other person on the team in 
town is not really equipped to or adept  at socializing. I 
don't know how to express this to anyone at work and that feels 
alienating. I want to belong and I want to know what is expected 
of me and know how to take those actions. I don't get any of 
those things, so I don't know what to do. I think that's why am 
having difficulty functioning and other fears.       

This feeling of not belonging or that loneliness translates into 
other spaces as well. The big thing that I noticed thanks to this 
meditative practice is that I am angry that things are not how I 
expect them to be but I have not made any effort to keep up with 
how things are.I have all these unmet expectations and their only 
unmet because I never looked out the window and learned what was 
out there. Examples include the way people drive, how people 
talk, just basic stuff. 

I don't know if I'll figure out how to express this but thanks 
for reading and giving me a space to share my emotions it helps a 
lot.