Thu Oct 20 03:07:57 UTC 2022 ========================================= # # Location: Home # Input Device: Keyboard # Audio: Fan # Visual: back of my eyelids # Energy: low sleepy # Mental: clear weary # Emotional: anxious drained fearful # ========================================= The big international team meeting continues. On Monday and Tuesday I had high hopes. It felt like we were really making progress on our stated goals and were finally trying to address long standing issues. Things we had all agreed that were problems when we started the week together. Then, today it happened. Instead of leading the discussion or trying to guide anything I trusted that we would follow the schedule that we'd agreed to the day before. Sidenote dictation is still god-awful. I think that the problem is an ego thing. The coworker I've worked with the longest who knows me the best seems to provide his content in the allotted time and clearly and concisely. The others keep trying to wing it or do it impromptu or improv style and then do not cover nearly anything and talk about twice or more in time then they want to.I think I feel bitter and upset about this because I'm powerless to make any change or alter this behavior. I can tell everyone that they're screwing this up and they don't see what my problem is. Despite the fact that we didn't achieve any of our goals or generate any of our target output. I've been trying to be more mindful but it's hard to be mindful and aware of your emotions and feelings and where your thoughts are going while simultaneously suppressing nearly all of your emotions and putting on a show. I'm feeling very angry today right now as I dictate/write this. I feel like everything that I enjoy in life for the last many years is slipping away. I don't have time for my anonradio show, I don't have the energy or will to go to comedy shows, cleaning or any self-care all seem so tedious. I know that sometimes when you're depressed you can be angry and not sad. I really dislike anger as an emotion though. Being sad is like being way down or may be drowning, but being angry is like being lit on fire.It's a useless fire and it burns so hot and so suddenly it's like gasoline in your veins. I'm very grateful that I have at least gopher or a phlog to share these thoughts and feelings. I'm not sure what to do with them otherwise. I've worked the same job for over 15 years. I should say I've worked at the same company for that time. I've had maybe four distinct jobs there. I love solving problems and I love helping to solve computer problems. Setting up a new system or teaching someone how <dictation deleted about 40 lines or so here> _shouting_ my God for chrissake this dictation _endshouting_ software makes me so frustrated I'll leave my eyes from the screen for just a few minutes while I try and gather my thoughts because it's so hard for me to type while I'm thinking my thoughts and then <dictation deletes text again> My heart is just so heavy anyway, thank you for reading my post here if you made it this far thanks I'll be back soon.