I'd like to write a little on my perpetual problem: I don't know how to do anything I really want to get done.

My life changed a lot sometime in 2019. I went from poverty line to middle class overnight once I went into tech proper. It seemed arbitrary: I knew so many clever generalists, but I got one break and then catapulted into a fairly consistent career and they seemingly couldn't.

Before that, I had left my job in like 2016 to make video games. I had spent 3 years of my life making nothing at all, but basically being all-in on creation. Just sitting down and cranking out a book or an album was second nature. It was like my brain was just ready to *create*, ready to reach into the imagination to craft something else. I'm not always proud of the output, but I am happy about how prolific I was.

It took me until a year or two ago to really internalise that the brain is a muscle that becomes better at its habitual behaviours. That means that you need to fit something into your schedule, consistently, to develop it more and more as a skill. Likewise, it can atrophy away if you just change direction.

I feel like I've become better at a lot of things post-2019:
- I can manage a team now.
- I am far less emotional when it comes to work and dealing with others at work.
- I can structure a large-scale technical project.
- I can scaffold an execute an MVP of a project.
- I can pick up languages and technologies pretty easily.

But I don't seem to know how to get in touch with this part inside of myself all that well. I've tried to find a way to get a life that allowed me to do both of these things. I feel afraid that the longer I put it off -- the more of myself I gave away in my youth -- the more I was cutting my arm off, the more I was stunting myself perpetually.

I suppose a lot of the problem is complacency within a lifestyle. I have become proud and stubborn; I feel like I need to keep up a fairly active career, I feel like I need more financial security than I ever did before to feel calm. At the same time I feel less in control of my life than I traditionally did. Then again, we're talking about going from "total and absolute autonomy" to "playing with others and meeting basic responsibilities."

I moved across the country last year because I had found that the West Coast was me trying to prove to myself that I was a young professional; a certified member of the upcoming elite. Instead I felt like I was iandvertently always showing off and alienating people I liked. So I went back East. I lowered my cost of living, I went to a city that privileged socialising and art above high salaries and striving. I love my city. I have yet to truly heed my own lesson, though, because my life has been nearly entirely devoted to my job since I moved here.

- Is it a matter of becoming the kind of person who can juggle contexts better? 
- Is it a matter of actually just leaving professional work and accepting the risk? It worked once!
- Is it a matter of finding the right professional configuration?
	- I have toyed with just running a personal corporate vehicle and paying for creative work out of it with proceeds from jobs. But I also found that I was complacent and bored when I contracted. I still want to learn and grow. And whatever I learn technologically has always applied to the kinds of games I want to make.

When I actually listen to myself talk about this, I hate myself. So many people figure this out, and under worse material conditions. Why can't I? Am I just unmedicated? Do I need ADHD medication to actually get the focus to do everything I want to do?

I don't know. Intellectually, I do feel less hazy than I did traditionally. My verbal fluency has improved; I've been curious; I've been reading. When I'm at my worst, my journal entries read like "today I ate. I had a nice time outside."

I pray for my own autonomy -- always there, just hiding behind my capacity to accept and unify myself with my will, as opposed to my need to defer to others.