if i wrote startrek, this is what it would be like...
The time: some time in the future. The place: somewhere in outer space.
The Enterprise is en route to Oedipus-3, sent by Star Fleet Command to
investigate a loss of communications with a colony located there. Klingon foul
play is suspected. Oedipus-3 is located in a rather dumpy, unfashionable part
of the galaxy and none of the crew was too eager to be seen there (reputations
and such). This may explain why we find them somewhat on edge ...
BONES: Captain! Spock keeps looking at me!
SPOCK: I do NOT!
BONES: OH! You LIAR! And you fingered the Captain too when he wasn't looking!
TWICE!
KIRK: Gentlemen, that's enough! Do I have to separate you two?
<PAUSE>
See? One hour later. A white line has been painted down the center of the
bridge with Spock on one half and McCoy on the other. During the fourth year
of a five year mission the crew gets a little testy and sometimes even a manly
captain has to resort to drastic measures to keep the peace.
McCoy walks up to Chekov and gestures at Spock.
BONES: Hey, Chekov. How many Vulcans does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Chekov looks up annoyed.
BONES: Just two. But it has to be a really big bulb, and they can only do it
once every seven years! Get it?
CHEKOV: Captain!
BONES: Get it? SCREW in a lightbulb, not ...
CHEKOV: Do I have to leesten to this?
BONES: ... and every seven years because ...
KIRK: That's enough doctor.
BONES: Blast! You're not listening! He's a Vulcan so ...
KIRK: That's ENOUGH! Chekov, escort Dr. McCoy off the bridge.
CHEKOV: Weeth pleasure, sir!
Chekov takes Bones by the arm and twists it.
BONES: Wait! Get your hands off me! What are you, some sort of a communist?
A little Russian commie? Help, help, I'm being ...
The turbo-lift doors slide shut and the elevator departs, taking Doctor McCoy
with it. The mood of the bridge crew improves dramatically.
SPOCK: Asshole!
KIRK: Now Spock ...
SULU: What's he doing on the bridge anyway, sir? I mean, shouldn't he be in a
hospital of something?
SCOTTY: I'd like ta put him in a hospital ...
KIRK: He's here to give advice. And he means well ...
UHURA: He does not! Sir, the other day he poured ketchup on his head and told
everyone that I had a nose bleed all over him!
SCOTTY: ... and he called my mother a ...
SULU: ... and he put it into my medical file that I view you as a sex god!
All eyes turn to Sulu. Kirk looks concerned.
KIRK: Damn! One out of three. He's losing his touch.
SULU: Hey!
SCOTTY: (leaning over and whispering) Don't worry, lad. I do too.
SULU: But I don't! He ...
Just then the red alert klaxon goes off and Chekov can be heard over the com.
They say com because it sounds cooler.
CHEKOV: Sir! He's escaped! I stopped to let him go to the space john and he
must have squeeze out through the plumbing ...
KIRK: The plumbing ...
CHEKOV: ... or one of the vents. Christ! I don't know! There's only one door
and he didn't leave through that.
SCOTTY: (very worried) Sir, if he's gotten inta th' wirin' there's no tellin'
what he could do. Why theoretically he could ...
A pop, a hiss, and Uhura's control panel swings open. Dr. McCoy slides out
with a rose between his teeth.
BONES: I'm baaack! Because you NEED me!
SCOTTY: (scratching his head) Now where did he get that rose?
<PAUSE>
Two hours later. White lines are painted every which way along the bridge
floor. A color-coded key is taped to the hull so that everyone knows who can
go where and when. Some folks had lots of liberty ...
BONES: Blast! Why's my area the smallest?!
... while others were restricted for a very good reason. Kirk puffed out his
chest and went about being a Captain.
KIRK: Spock, what do we know about the colonists on Oedipus-3?
SPOCK: Well, it seems that ...
KIRK: And no crude mother jokes.
SPOCK: (dejectedly) Oh. Well. I guess we don't know anything about them then.
Spock crosses his arms and pouts.
SCOTTY: Sir, if I may. Oedipus-3 was an experimental engineering colony set up
by the Federation. The idea was ta take a truckload a engineers, dump 'em off
with about 8000 gallons a scotch, and see what kind a crazy things they'd come
up with.
BONES: How'd they get a truck into space?
KIRK: Really?
SCOTTY: Yes sir. Every once in a while, they send a starship around ta pick up
the stuff. Thought about joinin' up with 'em myself, but ... I couldn't tear
myself away from Mr. Sulu ...
SULU: Sir! It's a lie!
Kirk rolls his eyes.
UHURA: What ... what kind of things did they come up with?
SCOTTY: Well, at first it was you usual party pranks. Dribble engines, whoopie
cushion docking bays, telescoping body parts, that kind of thing.
BONES: Wow!
SCOTTY: But rumor has it lately they've been plannin' some pretty serious
machinery, by comparison anyway. I suppose that's when th' Klingons moved in.
KIRK: I see. Mr. Spock, how long until we arrive?
Spock was still pouting and wouldn't answer.
KIRK: Mr. Chekov?
CHEKOV: Esteemate arrival in ...
RED ALERT! RED ALERT! RED ALERT! RED ALERT! RED ALERT!
CHEKOV: Shields are up. There's defeenately something out there.
KIRK: Any sign of a vessel?
CHEKOV: No sir. Not even a blood wessel.
SULU: Wessel?
CHEKOV: Or a drinking wessel. None of those either.
BONES: Way to go Chekov!
KIRK: Shut up! Mr. Spock ...
SPOCK: Just now coming into sensor range, sir. Skinny neck, bulb head,
definitely Klingon.
KIRK: Mr. Sulu, fire those phasers.
SULU: Okay ... you're fired.
Kirk shakes his head.
CHEKOV: Good one, Sulu.
BONES: Jim! He stole that from M*A*S*H!
SULU: I ... I did not!
BONES: Oh, you liar! It's what Hawkeye says when ...
SPOCK: Sir, why don't we see what they want before we start firing phasers.
Maybe they ... just want to be friends.
KIRK: Of course. Of ... course.
Crew claps for dramatic interpritation.
SPOCK: Klingon ship coming on visual.
The Klingon ship appears on the view screen. Its orientation gets the crew
into a lather.
BONES: Jim! They're upside down!
Or more precisely, gets Bones into a lather.
KIRK: No they're not. Uhura, open a hailing frequency ...
BONES: Yes they are!
UHURA: Hailing frequency open, sir.
SPOCK: They only look that way. In space ...
BONES: Maybe if I stood on my head ...
SPOCK ... there is no up or down. To them, WE'RE upside down.
BONES: I'M not!
SPOCK: Yes you are.
BONES: Is Scotty?
SPOCK: Of course.
BONES: Then why can't I see up his skirt?
SCOTTY: It's called a kilt ...
SPOCK: Maybe you aren't standing in the right place ...
UHURA: Klingon commander coming on screen ...
The Klingon commander appears on the viewscreen. The fact that his picture is
upside down sends Bones into an uncontrollable fit. He ends up being
restrained.
BOB: I am Klingon commander Bob!
The bridge crew snuffles rudely.
BOB: What's so funny?
KIRK: Klingon's aren't named Bob!
BOB: They CAN be.
KIRK: Nuh uhh! They're named cool things like Kang or Koor or Steve.
SULU: Steve?
KIRK: Well okay, not Steve. But the other two.
SCOTTY: How 'bout Montgomery?
KIRK: Nope, not cool enough.
SCOTTY: Or Booze?
KIRK: Never met one.
SCOTTY: It figures ...
A phaser burst rocks the ship and sends the crew members hard against the hull.
Uhura is knocked unconscious. Scott is knocked incontinent.
SPOCK: I guess the don't want to be friends after all.
BOB: That was to get you attention, Enterprise. Now stop screwing around and
listen. The ...
The screen goes blank as Uhura slides to the floor.
KIRK: Scotty, get me that screen back.
SPOCK: He went to change.
KIRK: Then Bones, you do it. Make yourself useful around here for a change.
Surprise us all ...
BONES: Well excuse my butt ...
Bones walks over and surveys the communications panel.
BONES: Blast! None of these buttons is labeled! What does she do, have the
damn things memorized? Who builds a trillion dollar ...
CHEKOV: Credit.
BONES: ... credit ship and then forgets to label the parts!
SPOCK: I have all MY instruments memorized.
BONES: I didn't ASK you, you pointy-eared hose beast.
SPOCK: Hose beast?
SULU: Maybe you should check the schematic on the wall by the elevator.
SPOCK: I'd resent that if I were a human. Unless it's good, of course. Is
being a hose beast good? Anyone?
KIRK: Gentlemen! I ...
The view screen snaps back to life. Bob is still upside down and more than a
little annoyed.
KIRK: Good job, Bones!
BONES: Uh, thanks, sir!
SPOCK: But Captain, he didn't do anything! He was just standing there and ...
BOB: This is Commander Bob. You would do well to heed my words, Enterprise.
The Oedipus star system you are now approaching has been claimed by the Klingon
Empire.
KIRK: The whole system?
BOB: Yes. And the Klingon Empire would get very cross if it found that you
earthmen had been tresspassing on its property.
KIRK: Oh, okay. We had no idea. We'll return to Earth at once.
BOB: Then we have nothing more to discuss. Bob out.
The view screen fades out and the Klingon ship warps off into the distance.
KIRK: Stupid Klingons.
Several hours pass.
SULU: Now in standard orbit, sir.
BONES: What's a non-standard orbit anyway?
Sulu pushes a few buttons on his control panel. Bones hits the wall hard.
SULU: THAT'S a non-standard orbit.
BONES: Jerk!
KIRK: Uhura, get me those colonists on screen. Spock?
Spock fiddles with a few controls.
SPOCK: Sensors indicate no humanoid life on the planet surface. There is,
however, a maze of tunnels running under the compound beyond our sensor reach.
Uhura fiddles with different controls.
UHURA: Sir, there's no response from the colony.
SPOCK: I suspect foul play.
KIRK: From Uhura? Of course ... get me security up here, on the double. Your
career is through, lady. If you ...
SPOCK: No, the Klingons you dipshit.
KIRK: Klingons! Of course! Bones, Spock, and Scotty follow me. Lt. Beef,
you've got the com. Have security meet me in the transporter room. We're
expecting trouble, and somebody may need to die.
BEEF: Aye-aye, sir. They'll do it or heads'll roll!
BONES: What did he call the Captain?
The scene shifts to the transporter room. Kirk, Spock, Bones, and Scott are
joined by Lt. Meat and Ensign Bigboy. They arrange themselves on the
transporter pad and then rearrange themselves because Bones won't beam down
next to Spock. The rest of the trip goes without incident.
On the planet surface.
The landing party beams down next to a giant, 30 foot long mousetrap with jaws
of pointed steel and a bottle of brandy poised on the trigger. Scotty starts
to reach but then thinks better of it.
SCOTTY: Those bastards!
The crew continues walking and eventually finds the main entrance to the
engineering compound. The door is closed and a doorbell beckons. Well as much
as any doorbell can beckon.
SCOTTY: Sir, I suggest caution. There's no tellin' what a bunch a drunk
engineers have come up with.
KIRK: I agree. No need for anyone important to get hurt. Ensign, ring that
bell.
ENSIGN: But ... but I don't want to die!
KIRK: Then why'd you join security?
BONES: Ya, stop sassin' the Captain. Boy if it's one thing I can't stand ...
Ensign Bigboy walks up to the door. He presses the bell and it dings a rather
pleasant little ding. He lets out a sigh of relief.
ENSIGN: Phew!
Then a 35 ton weight falls on his head and drives him straight into the ground.
This time he lets out slightly more than a sigh, like his stomach, lungs,
intestines ...
ENSIGN: Aaaaaaaa ....
The landing party is stunned.
KIRK: How could anyone be so cruel?
BONES: Wow, popped him just like a cheap balloon!
SCOTTY: I imagine it's funnier if you're drunk, sir.
BONES: Or a zit! A really huge zit!
KIRK: All right. Everyone proceed with caution. I've already lost one man,
and I only have one more to spare.
MEAT: What?
The inside of the complex has been thoroughly trashed. It's obvious that
someone has looked over the place quite recently.
Kirk starts to get a little jumpy.
KIRK: I don't like the smell of this.
Bones takes a swig of brandy.
SCOTTY: (accusingly) Hey! Where'd ya get that?
BONES: Ain't tellin'.
SPOCK: Sir, there are life form readings coming from directly beyond this room.
If we ...
Kirk raises his hand with the authority command gives him.
KIRK: What's that smell?
The landing party stops and sniffs a bit.
BONES: Well, we're all still alive so it wasn't Mr. Spock!
SPOCK: Oooooooo ...
SCOTTY: That's th' truth! Remember th' time Spock ate those Borellian tacos
with that warm Saurian beer. It took me six months just to FIND decks 5
through 7, ta say nothin' of th' postage it took ta mail 'em back ta the main
section. If ...
KIRK: Klingon knockout gas! Everybody run!
Kirk, Spock, Beef, and McCoy make a mad dash for the door. Bones stops along
the way to pick up a quarter and is overcome by the fumes. The rest make it
out safetly.
Kirk brushes himself off and pontificates.
KIRK: Damn! If I've told him once I've told him a thousand times! There's a
time for picking up change and a time for running. Now he's been caught by the
...
SCOTTY: (pointing to the door) Klingons!
Dramatic pause.
It was true. Standing in the doorway, dramatically silhouetted by the rays of
the setting sun, were three of the manliest Klingons ever to walk the Empire.
With phasers. Pointed straight at the Captain.
The leader of the Klingons, Bob's second in command, assesses the party and
walks up to Captain Kirk.
STACY: My name is Stacy. I see you chose to ignore our warning about this
planet.
SCOTTY: Stacy?
SPOCK: Shhhh!
KIRK: (doing his best William Shatner impression) We thought you were joking.
Kirk smiles like a simp. Stacy hits him in the stomach. Hard.
STACY: Enough of your pathetic Shatner impression. It's time you told us all
you know about this colony. And don't even bother thinking of escape. It is,
of course, quite impossible. Well, improbable anyway. Though I suppose it
could happen, if ...
Kirk gives the secret signal.
KIRK: NOW, Mr. Spock!
O.K. so it wasn't so secret.
Spock picks up Lt. Meat and lobs him at the Klingon away team where he promptly
explodes, killing two of the beasties and knocking Commander Stacy unconscious.
Scott stands up and brushes himself off.
SCOTTY: How in tarnation did ya know he was gonna explode like that?
KIRK: Intuition, Mr. Scott. Intuition. But the important thing is that we now
have a hostage.
<PAUSE>
Location: The transporter room. The landing party has just beamed up and we
find the Captain giving orders.
KIRK: Scotty, take this man to the brig.
SCOTTY: Aye, sir!
KIRK: Spock, call security and have tham station 50, no 60 men outside
auxiliary control. There's a Klingon on board and we don't want to take any
chances.
SPOCK: Roger.
KIRK: I don't follow.
SPOCK I meant 'yes'.
KIRK: Oh, good man.
<PAUSE>
Location: The bridge. Kirc races in through the elevator doors.
KIRK: Uhura, get me Bob on the com. I ... Beef, didn't the bridge used to be a
different color?
BEEF: Yes sir.
KIRK: Then what ...
Beef shuffles his feet a little.
BEEF: I ... had the crew paint it.
UHURA: Twice, sir! He made us paint it twice!
KIRK: What?
BEEF: Well, they weren't doing anything and I just thought ... At first I had
'em do it up in blue, but that really didn't go well with my eyes so I ...
The intercom snaps on.
SPOCK: Sir, the Klingon! He's escaped!
Kirk springs from the chair in manly amazement.
KIRK: Well FIND him damn it! If he ...
The intercom snaps on again.
SECURITY: Sir, the Klingon's locked himself in auxiliary control!
Kirk slumps in his chain in manly bewilderment.
KIRK: What?! I though I ...
SECURITY: He ... tricked us, sir.
KIRK: Tricked you?
SECURITY: Yes.
Kirk scratches his head.
KIRK: All of you?
SECURITY: Ummm ... ya.
KIRK: That must have been one hell of a trick.
SECURITY: Oh it was, sir. He had these two rings, and it looked like they
couldn't come apart, but then he ...
KIRK: Damn! The ring trick! Oldest one in the book.
UHURA: I have the Klingon commander on screen, Captain.
SPOCK: Sir, how eager is he going to be to swap hostages when he finds out that
Commander Stacy has taken control of the ship?
BOB: He has, has he? What, did he reach auxiliary control then?
KIRK: Not very eager, now that you've told him Mr. Spock.
SPOCK: Oh ... I made a mistake, didn't I, sir.
KIRK: Yes.
BOB: I'll bet he used the old ring trick ...
KIRK: Look, Bob, I'd ...
BOB: I'd say you have a problem on your hands, Captain. So if you'd consider
... oh .. a complete surrender, maybe I could ...
The lights start to flicker on the Klingon bridge and the sprinkler system
turns on.
BOB: What the?
KLINGON #1: The prisoner, sir! He's escaped into the wiring!
SCOTTY: (admiringly) Son of a bitch!
KIRK: (deridingly) Waaaa Haaaa!
The Klingon bridge begins to fill up with tuna.
KLINGON #1: He must be using the transporter!
BOB: The fiend!
Bon Jovi starts playing over the com.
BOB: Okay, enough! Kirk, maybe we can help each other out. We'll swap
prisoners and call it even. That way you get control of your ship and I get
control of mine.
Kirk thinks it over.
BOB: Kind of humiliating when you think about it.
Kirk scratches his thigh.
KIRK: Tell me about it.
He scratches his other thigh.
KIRK: Bob, you've got yourself a deal!
Happy smiles all around.
<PAUSE>
The swap of prisoners takes place. Stacy leaves auxiliary control and Bones is
coaxed from the wiring. We join our heroes during a debriefing session on the
bridge.
BONES: ... and when they let me go to the john, I knew I had 'em.
KIRK: Brilliant strategy, doctor, just brilliant. I only wish we could have
done something more to the Klingon bastards while we had the opportunity.
BONES: Oh, that. Don't worry. While I was crawling around in their computer I
hooked up their toilets to the photon torpedoes. As soon as one of the devils
has to ...
An explosion is heard outside the ship. Kirk smiles like a proud parent.
KIRK: Of course. The old photon-toilets arrangement. I remember that from my
academy days.
BONES: Oh, and I found out what happened to the engineers down on the surface.
The Klingons had nothing to do with it. Seems they had this nude syrup party
and then tried to play Twister.
Kirk makes a face.
KIRK: Twister?
BONES: Ya.
KIRK: All of them?
BONES: Ya, stuck in a big ball. Just around the corner from where we were
gassed. Not a sight for the faint of heart, let me tell you.
Each man paused to visualize the event as best he could.
KIRK: (shuddering a little) Well, I'd say that wraps up the case.
Bones takes a swig of some whiskey.
SCOTTY: Now I KNOW ya didn't have that on ya a second ago!
Bones pulls back the bottle and then offers Scotty a swig.
SCOTTY: Now, that's more like it. Doctor, I always did like you best ...
KIRK: Scotty!
BONES: Jim, it's okay! We're getting married!
So, the Captain presided over the wedding of Dr. McCoy and Mr. Scott and the
whole crew was invited to attend.
SULU: Here I ... got you a little something. The sales slip's still attached
so you can return it if it isn't booze.
SCOTTY: Why that's very thoughtful of you Mr. Sulu. Very thoughtful indeed.
And everyone lived happily ever after ...