After the break up, my wife
came back asking if I was open
to go in couple therapy. I agreed
and offered the idea that we should
do our homework first. For the next
week, we'll write, and on Wednesday
we'll have a first 'mediator' meeting,
a friend who offered her service
to get the ball rolling. In the next
few weeks, we'll meet with a couple
therapist and we plan also to participate
in a Huachuma ceremony centered 
around our couple. 

We are both trainned in yoga and 
meditation so we have some tools 
to work with crisis. I realized
too that although I've been reflecting
on the problems of my couple, I've
never 'applied' a reflection to the
couple. I've only reflected on my
own, tried to change my own behaviour
and kept the process open with my
ex-wife. 

I though we should start with writing
what we don't like about the couple, 
and what we feel are our personal 
weakneses, and what we would need
for the couple to work. I feel that
if we both write about this, 
and we both read what the other write
we could understand a bit more what
is going on. 

What is not working for me in the couple?

I feel like my partner's love is
conditional. Some days she loves me
some days she hates me. 

I understand that we all go trough
phases of liking each other more or
less, but in our couple, it goes from
one extrem of passion and love, to 
a complete disgust, where my partner
wants to leave me, where I am the
source of all her suffering and where
I am having a very negative influence
on our daughter. 

She often express that she thinks
about leaving me. Which I tried to
be cool about and talk and move on. 

I also feel like she is often ready
to jump off the reality we've been
creating. 

Also the 'good deeds' I've done in
the past doesn't really matter anymore. 
It's like only the bad things grow, 
and when I sometime comes back to the
good, it's overshadowed by whatever is
happening now. 

We can spend month without being in 
the same bed, without touching each
others. Where she barely look at me
and when she does, it's pretty intense.

We've talked about these 'phases' where
she doesn't like me anymore, and she 
agrees about these. There is this silent
(she doesn't really share when she goes
in that state) this silent disgust that
starts to build up about me. At first it
one thing, then another, and she doesn't
want to talk about it because I will 
respond. So she keeps it in, and it
boils. I see it from the outside, 
she becomes more distant. Her eyes 
becomes foggy. If/when I mention about
this, she avoid it for a moment. It 
worked a few time in the past where I 
mentioned it and she opened up, and
we cried and cleared out the air. But
sometime I don't pick it up, and it
continues to grow inside her. 

When she finally let it out, it
really freaks me out. It hurt the 
little boy in me that doesn't feel 
he is ever enough. So I get angry, 
which validate her fear of talking
to me. Doubling down on how awful of 
a person I am. She then list all
the stuff I haven't done in the last 
2 or 3 months (depending on the time
frame) all the thing she's been 
holding on, and it hurts. And to top
if off, I'm a bad person because if
I get angry, I don't let her express
herself. By not being able to 
express herself, she 'fake' her 
existence, and cannot be who she
really want to be. So I am the cause
of her unhappy life. Which again
hurt even more. 

So she fakes her happiness with me
while cultivating anger toward me. 

Of course our sex life goes in the
same direction. It's non existent
for a while, then out of a sudden 
it happens. When we 'start again' 
it's generally a bit unsatisfying 
for both of us. Then we normally have
a few days, couple weeks of 'normal'
sexual activity, and then it stops again. 
I'm a bit 'horny' for a few days,
while she is completely done. It take
me a couple weeks to come back to a
more 'celibate' style, then one day 
the cycle starts again, a few months
later.

What I would like from her?

I offer a 'blanket' coverage of
trust. For me it's like a contract
that I've signed with myself. I'll
provide for her, protect her, do 
all I can to make her happy. It's 
not dependent of what she is doing. 
I do get angry a couple times a year, 
but for me getting angry and figthing
here and there doesn't remove that
blanket of trust and love. 

I would love to have a similar 
feeling of acceptance, and not
having to always ask myself if 
I was good enough today for my 
wife to be happy and to even
maybe 'love' me. At this point, 
just her being happy would be 
enough for me. 

I would like for her to be able 
to express herself as soon as there
is something wrong and that it
doesn't stay in her and boils. 
I would like to be able to talk, 
and yes even if something I react,
to still talk. 

There is this expression in French, 
'Soupe au lait' which mean milk soup,
when you boil milk it will burn 
really easily, hence why I often 
say I am "soupe au lait" I burn easily. 
But I calm down as quickly that 
I tense. That's how I've been raised,
and I know it's not fun for others 
around me, but I am aware of it and
try different techniques to not 
react. In business it's easy enough
to not answer an email righ away, 
in person I try to take a breather, 
take a moment before answering. 

But with my partner, we have 
the perfect match to trigger each
other. But as long as we can
find a way for her to be happy
that's all I would want. 

And from my reflection, I am 
not sure she can be happy while
being with me. I feel like I'm 
the problem, which is a feeling 
I have often. 

My goal was to provide a peaceful
loving environment for my daugther 
to be raised, until she can live on
her own. Trying to create money,
comfort, learning experience, while
making sure my wife is also happy
in the mix. But I clearly failed
at this last point. 

I might be too pragmatic about 
love too. For me, love is a decision
you take at one point. It's a commitment
that I do with myself with someone 
else. Once I decided on that commitment,
I don't go back on it. Even if it's
hard, even if I hurt myself in the
process. I decided to love my
wife 15 years ago and even if there
was clearly some suffering I endured, 
and evolved with it. 

I don't see love as a illness you
catch and can't control, and then 
when it leaves you it can't be 
rekindled. 

I'm aware that sometime life puts
me in situation where I'll be attracted
to someone, and that lead me in different
life changing situation. In the style
of the white rabbit in Alice and Wonderland. 

I fell in 'love' with a women once, 
only for her to guide me to my first
yoga teacher. Once that strategy from 
God had play its role, my attraction
toward that person faded away... 

Maybe it's always about this too. 
I feel like the separation that I am
living now will only re-inforce my
own process of evolution and lead me 
toward more liberation. 

I feel like the drama I lived trough
in the fall was about that too. 

But in any case, I'll continue
the process and work on this relationship
to see where it leads me.