It's been a month since my wife left the house. 
We decided to separate a few months ago, but 
she stayed in the same house for a couple months,
before leaving. 

Over the weekend a friend of mine was commenting 
on how much freedom I have now. I replied that f
reedom is great but the purpose is lacking. 
What am I doing now? Who do I want to be and where 
do I want to go? It brought tears to my eyes.

My ex is now in a new relationship. I partly envy 
her as it would be a good distraction to be in
a new relationship. But I also feel that there 
would be a missing process if I would just jump
into a new exciting thing. I mean I don't really 
have a choice, and I doubt that I would be able
to resist someone who would be attracted to me, 
but for the moment it feels better to be single. 

I have a hard time dealing with day to day stuff. 
I've always been not great about that stuff to
start with, but now being alone it's overwhelming. 
Not that there is way too much to do, but I do
loose focus when something needs to be fixed. 
If my car break, if there is a problem with the
hot water, if there is something missing, like
food stuff or something to be paid, it takes
my focus away really easily. And living in the
middle of nowhere agaravate this even more. 
There is always more to do. In a world that I 
already complain is too individualistic, now 
I am stuck even more alone, with my cat only. 
I am gald my daughter is often here, half the
time, it does give me more of a purpose, 
although when she is around I also focus more
on her needs than my work and other stuff 
that needs to happen. The house is quite the
mess when she leaves.  For now there isn't 
much thoughs given about raising her, I'm 
more pampering her to all her needs, which 
is not sustainable, for me or for the relation. 

I have this desire to do more. Do more for my
own well being. Meditate more, create more, 
more mantra, train more, more pushup, rope 
skipping, more violin, I should go out more,
see more people, cook healtier and more. 
As if this mild depression I am in, would be
eased by doing more. But I realize at the moment,
I have to do less. Rest more, I need to sleep
for a week! Less screen too. 

Focus on my health and well being, my daughter's
well being, my work and my clients, theatre 
play, teaching karate... 
The house improvement, and winterizing, chopping
and chording the wood for the winter.
My car that needs to be replaced...
There is already a lot just with the essential.
Once I have a grasp on this, I can look in
doing more...

But doing more of what? This sense of purpose
is definitely lacking. I realize how my life 
was oriented toward making my wife happy. I 
wasn't even paying much attention to my daughter,
as my wife was generally unsatisfied. A lot 
of my time was around avoiding getting her in
a worst situation, or caring for her when she
wasn't well. When everything was good, I could 
focus on my work for a while, knowing that 
this was just for a moment. I still worried 
what she would think about my action. I sat 
too long in front of the tv, will she be mad?
I have to re-adjust my fear, she is gone.

For the number of time that I have these knew jerk
reaction worried about how she will react if/when
she knew what I was doing, I realize that I was 
living in fear of her. A slow trauma, a strange
abuse. I know she wasn't abusing me willingly. 
But the way her love was conditional to some
unknown algorithm made me really doubt that 
I was a good person. She said to me so many 
time, that trust is something you can gain. 
It was liberating telling her that if after 15 
years, if she still didn't trust me, there was
nothing I could do about it. 

Still, with all that negativity in our couple,
I preferred to stay in an unhealthy relationship
rather than being alone in this world. Today 
I don't really know anymore. Of course the 
memories are fading away, the discomfort that
I used to feel seems far away. But is it worth
being alone? 

This place is beautiful, but if you feel alone, 
there is no better place to freak out about it. 
It's so quiet, out of this world. The winter will
settle in, the mountain will loose its colors, 
there will be even less noise, less activity. 
Only the crackling of the wood stove, the 
bubbling of the broth, the purring of the cat. 

I am often looking forward for the winter. I am
unsure this year how that will feel. Will I 
be warmed by someone's love? Can my own love 
warm myself?