Massive aimless rant to get me out of a
panic attack. You've been warned...

The moon is waking me up. I'm feeling really 
prone to panic right now. A strange sensation, 
since panic is self-created, it needs a beginning. 
I can feel my mind racing for this or that. I 
feel a pain in my leg, is it a blood cloth? I 
feel a tension in my left arm, is there a problem
with my heart? What are all these sensations? 
Why am I hyper-sensitive? 

Panic attacks are strange occurrence, a bug
in my programming, a loop that doesn't close
and create a memory overflow. The mind hallucinate
reality, in a panic attack the hallucination
becomes a nightmare. 

I get out of bed, stretch, massage my foot. 
I do a bit of yoga. I feel the need to 
ground myself and my mind. I am scared the
covid vaccine actually affected my heart. 
I don't know, and I don't know if I want 
to know. My separation also affected my 
heart. A broken heart by my wife. What
can heal my heart?

I need to write... 

I'm playing more video games these days, I'm trying
to kill some time, waiting for my ex to leave the
house, waiting for a new season in my life. 

I've finished the original Zelda, played a
Castlevania on the Gameboy Advance, and 
now I started playing Persona 4 on the 
computer. All pretty entertaining and good
quality game, but all such a waste of my life. 
I like video game in short burst, too much of 
it feels quite wasteful. 

That state isn't healthy for my body or for my mind. 
Although in very small quantity, I also drink a bit
more regularly, and smoke more tobacco lately. 

My ex was gone for a few days this week
and it was a good experiment. I feel good
by myself. I feel centered. I cried a bit, 
which felt good. I'm looking forward to 
spend a lot of time with myself, 
re-discovering who I am without my wife. 
Without this constant pressure of 
dissatisfaction and unhappiness. 
My ex is unhappy, she has been unhappy
for a while, and this separation doesn't
even seems to make her feel better. 
I hope she'll find happiness one day, 
I've tried for 15 years and failed to 
help her attain it. You really can't
help people to become happy, they 
have to want it. 

A friend visited, she complained that I 
didn't fill the water filter, and that 
she always had to do it. I had a strong
knee jerk reaction. I have a very short 
fuse at the moment. I don't want to hear
anyone complaining about what I do and
how I do it. I really don't see myself
in a relationship, for now and in the
near future. I don't care enough, I don't
crave enough the presence of another
to have to deal with someone else 
emotional body. I'm perfectly fine 
by myself, and although a sad reality,
I'll enjoy that. I'd rather be in a 
community, a tribe of some sort then
in a relationship with just one person. 

A few female friends have visited and 
clearly put on the table their interest. 
I also put it clearly to them how I'm 
not looking. I find everyone to look
so 'normal' simple and limited... 
I am annoyed by their lack of awareness,
I feel like I'm in a dream and everyone
is a figment of my imagination, that
everyone is a NPC in my game of life. 

My ex was scared of me, never really 
understood me, and lot of my friend 
find me intimidating. I feel that I 
should run away from people who feels 
intimidated by me. I should run toward 
people who intimidate me. I talk to
my wife often about this. She puts the
blame on me, that I should be more 
approachable, more compassionate toward
the people who feel intimidated. Right
now, this sounds like a pile of shit. 
I feel fully disinterested in people
who are afraid of me. I know I am not
violent and I have my emotion quite
well tamed and have a solid sense of
awareness. 

That sensation feels good. I remember
feeling annoyed by most people. Not 
finding my place among humans. As a 
kid it felt like everyone were crazy. 
After a while I wondered, maybe I 
was the crazy one. Now I know, the 
world IS crazy and there are only
a few of us that tries to liberate. 
I'm fine being that person, I actually
love that person, I want to fell in 
love back with that person, and stop
feeling bad about being not enough for her.
 
The crickets are singing tonight, I've
made a nice field recording. I'm looking
forward, once more, to making more
music... I dislike this state of looking
forward for something, instead of just 
doing it. I catch myself often wondering
why I'm so stuck, so hurt, and then 
remember that I am in a break up. Is that
a good enough reason? Why am I waiting?
I don't want to wait, I don't want to
waste time, for who? For what? Because
I am in a break-up I can justify me 
wasting my time? That seems like a lame
reason. Hey, lets be trash because I 
am in pain. How about; lets take care
of myself, because I'm in pain? Lets 
do more yoga, reading, writing, meditation???

I'd rather play a game, where time pass, 
where I make friend, and combat demons, 
instead of living my life. One thing positive
from playing a lot of video games, is that
when I went to waste some time on YT today, 
it felt so negative, so dark and gross, that
I quickly closed the computer. It was a 
very nice feeling to move away from too
much aimless browsing of video. 

Hey do you have colon cancer? Check your poop
you might be dying! Ha ha! A stroke is
always close, make sure to freak out, 
just, about, now!!! Flood here, mud slide
there, women hates men! Men hates women! 
Look at me, I'm self objectifying for
you! You're a bad person! But you're the
best too, only if you keep on watching, a
little more, you might get a hit of 
dopamine! A little more clicking!
Here you go, this is not toxic, you're
the toxic white male, keep on scrolling
you'll feel better! Cellphone are really
toxic after all, but keep using it, 
if not you'll feel alone! 

It is all so absurd! So utterly 
absurd and abusive, anything is
better than that. Staring at a 
wall is so much healthier!

I do restrain myself from writing so much. 

As if I owed my reader some more decent 
readable, practical, uplifting, spiritual,
writing, and that my day to day muddy 
reality wasn't worthy of sharing... 

Well though luck, I'm a mess and that is
what is coming out of me. I feel like
being a mess for the next little while
too, a few months at least. While writing 
this, I realize that I can't even sustain
being a mess for more then a few days... 
But it's good to dream about being a mess.

All right, it feels like the panic attack
has receded. I'll stretch a bit more and 
get back to bed.