Watching the Joker tonight.
He sings on the phone 
an English version 
of a French song... 

Je te donnerai 
des perles de pluie
d'un pays 
ou il ne pleut pas

Ne me quitte pas
Ne me quitte pas
Ne me quitte pas

I will do 
the impossible
for you

Don't leave me... 

A song that 
I've cried to
a few years ago 
when my wife
wanted to leave me
yet again. 

I knew it wasn't good for me
But I preferred to stay
in a painful situation
than to break it apart

Yeah it's not 
my first rodeo
My wife wanted
to leave me
many times 
while together

Each time I said:
I'll try harder
Each time I took it
upon me, it was my failure

I've failed for 15 years
You would think
after so long 
you'd end up succeeding
but no, we separated anyway

The problem with 
failing so many times
is that everything becomes
about her.

The foundation of my life
was to make her happy
everything surrounding 
my action, my thoughts,
had all the same goal
making her happy

Now, why am I continuing.
There is no more goal,
no more destination. 
I don't really care 
about any other goals really. 

I don't want her 
but I miss my purpose 
I'd rather have her
and a purpose
than being free
and alone

I don't know how long
this sensation will 
follow me.. 

Before meeting Melina
I was at the end of my
exploration of desires.
I had my fun, my parties,
my orgies, my sex life. 
I was content with it,
and I was ready to dedicate
my life to higher purpose. 

I told God, if she wanted
me to have a family, she
should put someone in my 
life that is very low drama. 

And She did. 

Now, I'm on the other side
of that relation... I am 
back to this void. 

Why would I be good at 
music, at art, at writing, 
if I am alone. 

No one to read me, to 
hear me, to see my progress.
No one to impress, to charm,
to love... 

I was doing it all 
for her,
for us... 

Now what? 

I still reach 
for her validation. 
She mockingly give it,
I make sure it sounds
like a joke. 
As if I needed 
that anymore...

I catch myself 
so many times
doing sometime
hoping she'll like it
and then realizing
she'll never hear
that piece I played
She'll never read
these word... 
She'll never care 
anymore
Why play the piano
in an empty house
where no one 
will hear my love

It's been over a month now. 
It seems like it will go 
forever, and I'm still holding
on to what it was. 

Not that I want her back 
in my life. 
I know really well
that this was unhealthy 
and I would have died 
of that relationship. 
I just don't know. 

I just can't picture
what's after the event horizon. 
I've always had difficulty
picturing myself in the future. 

When I travel, I'm always 
amazed when I reach a destination. 
Wow, I'm still me, but in 
a new place. It feel surreal. 

Thinking that one day
I'll have a new car
it's a weird feeling. 
I don't feel attached 
to what I have and where 
I am at, but the future
always seems difficult
to imagine. 

Really? One day I might 
be in a relationship 
with someone else?

I really don't see it. 

I really have no idea
where I am going 
and for what reason

I don't care to be rich,
I don't want to be famous
I don't really need anything. 

I'm happy to provide 
for my daughter.

To stay alive long enough
to see her grow up. 

That might be enough
for now, at least