It's not even been 3 full days yet, this is
completely mental. I got the jeep towed
this morning, and now the garage just 
called to say it's ready to pick up. 

From the time it was towed to the
time I received the phone call, 
I went through all the scenario, too
expensive, too broken, the jeep maybe
broke on the road there..
also the garage said that it would 
take at least a week to get to it... 
I didn't know what I could do during
that time. 

Life... LIFE! What's up? I really have
to put in practice this equanimity, but
when facing new events that I have no
control over, I get really anxious. 

Now that it's all resolved, I am all
happy again. Why did I freak out in 
the first place?

This afternoon, I was picking blueberry
in the garden, all by myself. A wind was
coming from the lake, the sun shining on
top of the mountain, shaded by some tree,
and the blueberry bush itself. My hands would
travel a branch up, only picking the ripe 
one. The noise of the branches, the colors
the movement, all felt psychedelic for an 
instance. Very primal and connected
to the earth. This human experience is
so wonderful and beautiful in all its 
details, it's hard to stay in your head
when you are in a field of blueberries. 

I cried a bit too, hiding behind a bush,
I didn't want anyone to see me. I felt 
miserable, dumped by my wife, I broke her
car, I broke my car, I couldn't pick up
my daughter on Friday since I had no car. 
I just felt like a broken single dad 
who can't get his shit together, an
asshole of a dad, a shitless of a 
husband, it was really intense self
loathing... I don't really feel like
that, just in that moment.

I really feel like I'm on acid lately.
All these ups and down, I do feel like
I'm going crazy. I mean, I don't dislike
it, but the intensity seems to have been 
turned up. When you're on acid everything 
is MORE.  You walk down the street and
everything is intense. 

I once was walking in the street of a 
calm suburb, and my friend and I was on 
acid. He saw a cute dog, and I was like,
"awww cute dog" and my friend was like
"oh shit no... this dog is going to get
rolled over by a car... noo..." and of
course the next car that drove by kind of
roll on the dog, a bit, just enough to
get pulled in and yelling, and the car
slowed down, and once the driver saw the
dog was okay, just darted away. Like 
that's just one easy example of what 
I mean by everything is intense on acid.
But my life feels like this now. 

The world seems psychedelic, my interaction
with nature, with others, with the world. 

(my writing in interrupted by 2 texts, 
from 2 women, who have express interest
in me, being single.. It's the first
time in a month that they contacted me. 
They don't know each others, but it seems
like, the bio/social clock of "it's been
long enough they broke off, now is 
time to reach out" rang at the same
day, a couple hour difference) 

In any case, I found the word to 
a song that was in my head for the
last many years: 

I have nothing to offer thee
cause nothing is mine
I grieve not but I cannot give, 
cause nothing is mine, nothing is mine
Here I lay at your feet my lord
My life, my limbs, my  thoughts and my speech,
Cause they are thine, cause they are thine. 

I like this song, because it remove a
lot of the idea of creating a beautiful
offering to the divine. I have nothing
to offer to the divine, because it's all
divine to start with. Here a piece of
what you are already. What do you offer
to what? If everything is consciousness,
you're simply moving part of consciousness. 

Reading "Conscious Uncoupling" it feels 
pretty good. It's a really good update
on the fantasy of love and life long relationship. 
Relationship don't last forever, grow a 
pair, and learn from it. It's pretty
much the idea of the book.