Coming back to the ashram. 

I had an enjoyable time with my
landlord. It was better this time,
mostly due to me being more relaxed. 

I'm nervous around him, I feel he can 
decide tomorrow to kick me out of his
home and I wouldn't have any recourse. 

Dady issues anyone? I am not sure
why I feel like that. Right now, 
I am definitly more nervous than 
usual, but I'm generally on my guard,
seeing what life is about to bring me. 

Your wife left you? Allright, now your
landlord kick you out, you blow a fuse,
you're now homeless, why not develop 
some fentanyl addiction!! 

Yeah, my mind can be dark some time. 

I made it to the ashram in one 
piece. I am not sure I want to be 
here, but I think I'll be able to 
relaxe a bit more. 

I go to the registration, fill
in some paper, come back to my 
jeep, and of course it won't start. 
Battery is dead, maybe it's the 
alternator? In any case, I'm really 
stuck here now. I can walk home, 
which would take 2 hours! 

I then walk to my room to rest for 
a bit. I crash on the bed and fall
asleep. I wake up a couple hours later. 
The room is spacious and very simple. 
They gave me the same room as my
ex, who came and stayed here for a 
workshop a couple weeks ago. 

As I write this, tears and emotions 
comes running. I can feel the sadness
as it exit my lung. Although our relationship
started in Montreal, a lot of our passion
happened at the Ashram. I came to join
her here in 2009, she just had finished
her teacher training. Distance in the 
last months had made our love a lot
more passionate. Although we were in
a relationship in Montreal, we both
lived in our appartment. We had a lot
of distance between us, and would 
sometime be out of touch for a few 
days. 

It was the first time we were so close,
and since it's a celibate Ashram, we
had to run in the woods to be lovers. 
It was pretty sweet, and we spent the
summer here. But we wanted to be a real
couple, so by the spring we moved into
a small cabin next to the Ashram. 

From having our own appartment, 
our own freedom, we moved to an 
Ashram, and then to a small cabin
that was even more reclused than
the Ashram. 

We never lived together, and to this
day, we've never been able to tolerate
the other in the same house. I personally
like minimalism and clean as you go. 
Melina likes to have stuff, and put 
stuff away to clean later. I am not 
even sure if I am able to share my space,
when I think about my last roommate... 

But we did move in. It was small, I had 
my office and studio upstairs, and it
started the feeling that Melina didn't
have enough space. Didn't have her space. 
For the last 15 years, she has been 
missing her own space, her own independance. 

We steped into a living together 
couple without really realizing it. 
I had my doubt that the relationship
would last really long. Melina was already
unsatisfied by what I would do, or not
do around the house. I didn't clean 
enough, I didn't do enough of this
or enough of that. I didn't fix the 
house, the pump, the garden... I 
was already feeling overwhelmed by 
the role she was imposing on me. 

I've never lived in a house. I didn't
know what was what. And now we're fully
expecting everything to be smooth rolling. 
Chopping wood, feeding the fireplace, cooking,
living together...

I was definitely in escapism mode. Making
music and playing long, long hours of
minecraft. I was drinking beer regularly
too, something I've never really done 
in my life. I was also workgin full time
for the Ashram, something that seems to 
always go out of the equation, that I was
always, and I've always been, working 
all the time... 

We would fight often. Melina shared with me
that she already wanted to leave me at that
time. Revelation that hurts so much when they
come 15 years later. I don't know how many 
times she wanted to leave me, but from what
she has shared, I would say it happened quite
seasonally. 

It was disfunctional from the start, but
how can you see what is going on when 
you are in it? When you've never experienced
it? I've never lived with a woman before. 
The time that I was the happiest was when
I lived by myself, in a small appartment. 

I had my futon, my hammock, a martial art
wooden dummy, an altar made of an old
spool of network cable. A couch, with a 
computer+screen in the living room. A 
gaz stove + wok, a chopping board + knife
and chop stick and a small fridge. That 
was it. This feeling of being alone in 
your place, without anyone to disturb 
you for days sometime! Something that 
I am slowly, hoping to feel in my now
alone home. 

We spent the winter at that cabin, and during
the next summer we went back to live at the
ashram for a couple month, while the owner of 
the cabin would use the house. I don't remember
that summer much. I worked a lot, and we still
would run in the woods often. We were to go
back to the cabin in the fall. 

I guess we never use protection during
sex, and after more than a year of regular
coitus, we ended up pregnant. I was freaked
out at first. I was okay being a dad, but 
I wasn't at all ready to stay with Melina 
for the rest of my life. But Melina was 
clear that she would keep the kid, 
no question asked. It didn't even cross
my mind back then that I could have 
said that she can keep the kid but I
won't be part of raising her. 

I mention that now, because in the last
few months, Melina mentioned that she 
wanted to keep the baby, but never said
anything about staying with me. Yeah, 
I know, ouch, she does say hurtful stuff,
often. 

In any case, at one point I was washing 
dishes, and I realized that I was to become
a dad. I cried a lot and my heart opened 
to that reality. We were both still working at
the Ashram at that time, and preparing for 
another winter living in the cabin. 

Up to this point we haven't had a car. We 
would borrow people's car from the Ashram
and leave once in a while in an adventure,
or simply go do grocery in Nelson, the closest
'bigger' city. I've never driven, so I was
quite useless in this department. But when
we got pregnant, it was clear that we needed
a car. 

We wanted a fancy delica, japanese style
flatnose van. The modern day VW van. But
it was a bit expensive. Melina received
an inheritance from her grand mother and
we bought a Jeep, the same jeep that is
now stuck at the entrance of the Ashram
in need of a boost. 

That was the first car I've driven in my
life. It's strange to think that I'll have
to get rid of it soon. It's strange to 
think about this family life and how 
it's over. How all that adventure is now
done. I was so innocent through the whole
process, and I suffered a lot too. I realize
now that I've started having panic attack
during that time. Melina had driven me so 
many time to the ER in the middle of the night
as I was afraid of dying. 

Only this one time, when I had a double
pulmonary embolism, that time it wasn't
a panic attack. For once... The lungs, 
the seat of sadness, stuck with a blood
cloth. 

I didn't think coming back to the ashram 
would be so emotional.  I've lived here 
so many times, everything is so familiar. 
I go through the same pattern, looking
at the ladies, who would be a suitable 
consort. I though, maybe I am coming here
to meet my new wife? 

I complain about people's behaviour, but
it's quite soft. I used to complain 
a lot in my head, and then judge myself
to be a bad person, and then some loop
would happen of self loathing that I would
project on others. This time is more like
a gentle nagging. A bla bla bla in the 
background, that makes me smile. 
"Oh that again!" I don't give it much
importance, and therefore it doesn't 
take much place in my mind. 

The 'looking at the ladies' is also 
quite dull. An echo of an old habit, 
I presume. I pick on that social
desire to classify, who's the hottest,
who's the Alpha male in the room, who
wants out of the game. 

As we are a lot in silence, there is
a lot of observation. We check on each
other during yoga, we check each other 
at breakfast. Who sits where and what
they look like. A man with a perfectly 
combed  hair, well shaved it must have
taken him at least 30 minutes to get 
ready in the morning. A routine that 
I've never been able to sustain. 

I have such a hard time with social norm. 
I don't know why, shaving, looking decent,
wearing matching socks, wearing underwear!
I mean I can do it for the show, but every
day of my life? I just can't. I guess I've
never been able to fit in, which is
also I assume a big reason why I wasn't 
able to sustain my family.