I left the ashram after satsang on
Tuesdays night. I wanted to go home, 
to my cat and my hammock. I was done
with the experience, which I wasn't
planing to be that intense. 

I came home to a messy, doors open,
smell of construction in the house.
Dirty clothes in the washer, food
in a box at the entrance. Tools 
left plugged around the house. It
was weird. No sign of my cat, and
there was also no more cat food. 

I was tired and fragile, I cried a 
lot about my cat. I closed the door,
put some incense, clean up after 
the landlord... I felt like life 
was really pushing my limits and 
I couldn't take it anymore. The 
next day I was trying to check on 
the car insurance claim, but I 
lost my driver's license, so I 
couldn't login back. I knew I 
had taken a photo of my driver's
license in the last few months, 
and I found it. But for the online
login, I needed the code at the 
back of the driver's license. 
I checked online to get a new
driver's license, but I needed
my passport which is outdated now. 

The day was awful. I went in town 
to buy some grocery, and then I saw
these really sketchy people, I though
to myself, I wouldn't trust these guys. 

When I came back home I was about to
do a bank transaction, but I needed
my phone for the 2fa. I couldn't find
it, and somehow I realized that the 
guy at the store, who stayed in his
car while I went into the store,
probably stole my phone. 

I was freaking out! I was crying, 
loosing it. I stepped back into 
a room divider and broke part of
it. Everything was going wrong. 

I had a meeting with a client at
3pm, but I was way too emotional. 
And then something, some wisdom,
some resolution came my way. 

I am creating all of that.

Not only creating, but reinforcing it
each time I say that I'm not doing well.
I cultivating a depressive reality
not only in me, but around me. All
that stuff that is happening all around
me, I am reacting negatively to it. 
That reaction in turn add to the feeling
of helplessness. 

In a second, it flipped. I don't 
know why, and I don't know how but 
it did. I decided that from now on
when people ask me how I am doing, 
I will answer "Awesome!" Instead
of playing the victim of "life is
doing that to me" I now ask the 
question "Why am I doing that to 
myself?" or "Why would I do that
to myself?"

It's easy to justify saying that 
I am doing awesome, because if I 
look at what is happening in the 
world, I'm doing awesome. I have
food, I have work, I have fresh
water (an unlimited amount of 
crystal clear glacier water at 
that) I do have a car even if it's
not in the best shape. I have 
friend and activities, teaching
karate, meditation, theatre... 
So yeah, I can decide to say that
I'm doing Awesome and I don't feel
fake about it. 

The part about me creating my life, 
it's not like I'm a magician and I 
control everything. It's about taking
responsibility  of my interaction 
with the external world. I personally
do know that I modify that reality,
but most importantly, I can decide
on how I react to that reality. 

The flip was mysterious but really
drastic. I feel really better now. 
When I went to my meeting, I started
practicing, and when she asked me 
how I was doing I replied "Awesome!"
She was a bit curious as she knew my
situation with my ex, so I added, 
"When I look at what is going on 
in the world, I do really feel 
privileged  and that I should 
enjoy life" which she agreed on. 

Her partner, a friend of my with 
who I play music with, showed up 
at the end of the meeting. He was
glowing with some good energy and
I asked him what was going on. He 
told me that he got back into some
mantra practice! I was sold, I miss
my mantra practice, and I had already
in mind what I would go for. 

The Saudarya Lahiri. 

The Saundarya Lahiri is a poem composed
by Adi Shankara around... with 100 verses. 
I first encounter that text when I was 
studying many years ago at the Ashram, the
Divine Mother prayer. The prayer that is 
used so often at the ashram is one of the
poem from the Saundarya Lahiri. 

These mantra are quite long, and what
is different in this book, is that 
they have a yantra, and a 'power' that
will come with reciting the mantra for 
1000 or more for 12 to 90 days, depending
on the mantra. 

I have tried that practice, repeating
the mantra for 40 days, 1000 times a 
day, and yes, the effect are real. These
are powerful method to change your life. 
Even if you don't believe in the power
that the mantra can give you (and I won't
blame you) spending so much time chanting 
mantra will change your life!

I'll write more soon about the learning
of the mantra and the creation of the 
yantra (on copper as I don't have a big
plat of gold) since this reflection is 
already getting quite long. 

For the last few days, life has been
lot smoother on me. I am not sure why
I had to go in such a 'freak out' mode, 
and I surely don't understand why it 
all flipped. 

What I can say, is that I was looking 
for a lesson from life. If life is 
giving me all these challenges, it's 
because there is some lesson to be learned. 
I couldn't find what was the lesson. 
And since these negative event kept
on coming to me, I understood that 
I didn't get the lesson. I was afraid
more bad luck would come my way, 
I didn't know what to do, I just
wanted to hide from life itself. 

I can't remember what mental process
unlocked the whole idea, but it was
a re-framing of the situation. There
was a lesson, I needed to change 
something, I had these 2 points right. 

But what I needed to change, wasn't in
my action, but in my understanding of 
reality. If I ask "why is life doing
this to me?" I become a victim of reality. 
So I filled that question to something
similar to "Why would I do that to myself?"

It's not exactly that question, but 
it was enough of a new perspective 
to change my perception so much that
from a fearful, depressive energy I 
moved into a positive energized vibration. 

Sometime I wonder if the solar flairs,
(we had massive northern lights around here)
the equinox, the full moon eclipse had
something to do with it, and if they
do, how could I keep an eye on these 
phenomena. I'm not so much of as 
astrology type of person, but I do 
believe we're quite tiny in this 
massive universe and we're definitely 
under the influence of all that is 
around us.