Stultus Avis Propagandapaper Issue #8
8-10-2023 (8 Oct 2023)
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NEW V launched
The NEW V rocket lifted off from Caped Canerveral today.
It reached orbit successfully but the fairings failed to
separate. The rocket crashed on 98692 Lolbox, an
asteroid due to hit earth, diverting its course and
Lolbox is now the 2nd moon of Earth.
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New restaurant
A new restaurant, Janitor's Limb has opened. It serves
severed human hands that are sourced ethically. "I founded
Janitor's Limb is satiate people's desire for human
limbs. This is incredibly important for society" says
Warren Buffoon, founder of Janitor's Limb. "Limb limb.
Delicious items." Buffoon adds.
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8 issues?! WOW! On 22 October STULTUS ISSUE 10 will
be released!
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Belgian spacecraft touches down on the moon
The Lolbox Explorer, a Belgian attempt to land on
98692 Lolbox, the 2nd moon of planet Earth. Lolbox was
discovered in 1997 by the now-retired and deorbited
HUBRIS telescope, launched in 1991. Lolbox Explorer
launched on Tuesday, and entered Lolbox orbit on Thursday,
and touched down on Friday. It carried the CHEESE rover,
but sadly its batteries died right after separation from
the mother craft. It also dropped a small 8 cm by 8 cm
piece of chocolate on Lolbox, wrapped in tinfoil so
any human mission in the future can enjoy Belgian
chocolate. It also found out that Lolbox is made of
white chocolate.
In the mean time, the Lolbox Explorer II has been
launched to retrieve Lolbox and let humans eat it. It
launched from Belgium Chocodrome in Namur. Ground control
in Brussels reported that Explorer II is in Lolbox orbit
as of now and has started covering the surface with
heat shields to prevent it from melting*. It has also
found out the precise size of Lolbox, which is a 1 km
by 1 km ball. It will land somewhere near Belgium or
in the Swiss alps.
UPDATE: it landed on a mountain in the Alps. Belgium
and Switzerland have shared it 50/50. As for
Explorer II, it landed near Panama and has been exchanged
with the SusSat-1: Panama's attempt to go into orbit,
but failed.
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Do you want to make an 8.7 earthquake happen in your
home? Probably not, but still:
Introducing: The Shakinator! Can shake your house at
between magnitude 1 and magnitude 11.
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EORO: Magnetic field enhancement. Augment sleep &
performance.
This is the most powerful anti-ageing poisonous
longevity thing ever.
Our low EMF power supply and pulsed nanosecond rise time,
north polarity, square wave, cube wave magnetic field
technology. For the dumbest of the dumb.
Use our pulsed north polarity new-age death system,
FART Therapy Mat. Either you'll sleep, feel better and
recover or get scammed (most people will be in the latter).
Electro sensitive friendly! Like electro-sensitives are
not just placebo effects!
Or buy our EMF Protection Device, which interrupts ALL
wireless communications in a 5 kilometer radius AND
fries all your appliances. Here is a quote from one of
our consumers "After 40 yeArS he was able to break his
spine again! WOW!! CrapGPT cannot fulfill requesttttttt
aiwllwlelelelelellelelel';::..<script>eeeeeeeee</scriaipt>
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STULTUS HOROSCOPEZ
Aries - You will meet with an unfortunate (but well
deserved) accident.
Taurus - You will die
Gemini - You will plunge into depression
Cancer - You will get cancer
Leo - You will eat cupcakes until you die
Virgo - nothing will happen
Libra - You will become a slave
Scorpio - You will get bitten by a scorpion and die
Sagittarius - You will get murdered
Capricorn - You will be forced to eat corn for the rest of
your life
Aquarius - Drowning
Pisces - You will break into 700 pieces
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Excuse Galore
1. Huh?
2. I was busy.. watching cat videos
3.
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Band names in short supply
97% of band names that exist right now have been occupied.
New up and coming bands are now using names like
"Farting Octopus", "Bleeding Nose", "Green Bathtub",
"Sacrificial Goat", "000000", "Screaming Chair",
"Dead Rat", "Brain Joke", "Primal Scream (idea by
userfxnet)", "Really?", "German Utopian Police",
"Lucky Grass Bathtub Front Terrorism Pop Dead Scream"
and " " (pronounced AAAA).
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Get Rid of Human Rights Now!!!!
-An article by some 60 year old we abducted from the
street-
Human rights is evil and stuff, according to the
Center of Misinforming the Elderly's facebook page!!
Human rights causes people to be evil and start
respecting others. This is unacceptable and is a very
overlooked problem in our modern society. We need to mend
this now or else our youth will turn into respecting,
caring and kind people. We need to dissolve the UN and
plunge the world into a never ending world war.
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Buy tickets for the famous band, Poisoned Eel's first
concert at TicketSlave. $932 per seat. Don't worry,
most of the seats will be stolen by scalpers.
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Save Water.
Or die.
Ad by Water Saving People
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Is This Trend Crap?
For this issue, we picked Real Real Problem, a problem
about something (stupid) you're working on. But it's
TekTek so don't expect quality garbage. VERDICT: IT IS
CRAP!
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Man found
Mr. Robert Wall was swept away on Wednesday by a flash
flood and has been found.. dead.
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Social Media Bulletin
- Meeta Threats (but it is dying. PURE CRAP: YES)
- Meeta Massenger (PURE CRAP: YES)
- DOSH (also known as JOSH. From India. PURE CRAP: YES)
- LinkedOut (PURE CRAP: YES. By Microdeath.)
- StuckExchange (EXTREME CRAP ALERT)
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Woman eats air
Linda Shutupalready has eaten air.
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Inflation Watch
770,345,821% inflation for GlobalCoin. 44% inflation for
US Dollars
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Trend Bulletin
- Eat A Frog
- Drink Bleach
- Don't use TekTek for 1 day (EXTREMELY DANGEROUS. DON'T
DO AT HOME. PLEASE.)
- Stare at the wall for 10 minutes
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The joys of Social Delusion Apps.
Social Delusion Apps, like Faceboo and Deathagram are
all the rage these days. They "inform" billions of peeople
(not a typo!) worldwide and start genoci- I meant open
new experiences. If you, aspiring naive young
entrepreneur want to get into this scam, contact
Ego Vulture Capitalists at gimmethat@ego.com.
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Asscord: Where you can belong to a drug smuggling gang
AND be friends with a dictator.
- Added Spying!
- Naitro
- "iVe GoT nOthInG tO hIDE"
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Fart Digestion Simulator 2023!
$98
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Motivational Quotes
"You will live to die another day"
"Life is like a tornado; it will end"
"When you are dead, you are dead"
"Huh?"
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Catch phrases
- Are you a biscuit because I want to gobble you up
- Are you a deer because I want to poach you
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Man eaten by chicken
Robert Goat was eaten by a monster chicken yesterday.
Goat was walking down Pancake Street when a monster
chicken, who escaped from a nearby KFC, ate him up. The
chicken eventually jumped into Death Lake and drowned.
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NextTown: Yet Another Parasite Media App.
NextTown offers an illusion of belonging to your local
community AND having friends (you don't have any, am I
clear?).
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Barbarian Dolls _____
"They kill |-_-|
They steal" -----
|
$50 each! / \
By Barb LLC.
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WEGO LUMPS
Create your Creativity!
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BRAINDEAD lander is BACK?!
The BRAINDEAD lander has regained communication with
earth. It has sent 7 images, which show that the
HALFBAKED rover is mysteriously out of the crater,
even though an image captured a few days prior showed
it was still in the crater.
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Hottest video
How to Make A Precision Guided Missile is the trendiest
video on Yutubb right now. With 4,927,578 views, it is
one of the most viewed videos ever (other than
CocoTerror's video Twinkle Twinkle Little Fart).
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New browser version
The FOSS browser, Fireworm, by Mozzarella, has
released a new version: Fireworm 29. It has the following
patches:
1. Fixing a critical vulnerability named WormTricker,
which takes advantage of the Mozzarella's new feature,
WormRCE, which allows anyone to run arbitrary code on
any device running Fireworm for a small fee. WormTricker
evades the fee and allows anyone to execute code.
2. Adding the surveillance tab
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New happy birthday song
Happy birthday to you!
I don't like you!
Get lost right now!
No one likes you!
The old one, it turns out, is copyrighted (crappyrighted).
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Most interesting fact ever
[CENSORED] ---- [BEEP] [CENSORED]
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Samosas for free!
At Deadly Food Co.
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True shape of the Earth!
The true shape of the Earth is a nonagon, says
Jared Phone, director of the Nonagon Church. "It is true.
The government is hiding this from you" adds Phone.
"Nonagons are the Best Shape" is the Church's motto.
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Craptocurrency exchange STX files for bankruptcy
The craptocurrency exchange, STX, headed by Sam
Scammerman French-Fries has gone bankrupt after
accidentally taking out a loan of 1 trillion dollars
from MonkeyChunks Loan Sharks Co. STX is a crapto
exchange, meaning it facilitates buyers and sellers to
trade "coins" with each other.
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INDIGESTION TV @ 446 MHZ!
"Indigestion
forever"
A Community TV Station
Timetable:
1 AM to 6 AM - Station is down
6 AM to 7 AM - Town Council Meeting
7 AM to 1 PM - News n Stuf
1 PM to 5 PM - Culture Program
5 PM to 9 PM - Debates
9 PM to 10 PM - Weather News
10 PM to 11 PM - Music
11 PM to 12 AM - Mildly Disgusting Movies
12 AM to 12:30 AM - Child Entertainment
12:30 AM to 1 AM - Hello Indigestion!
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Watch the Shouting Door
At your nearest cinema hall!
$98,625 per ticket
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BREAKING: Walmart store invaded
Walmart Supercenter #2920 has been taken over by the
Target Conversion Army (TCA). Reports say 93 people were
killed in the attack and over 1100 people have been
displaced. "One day I was just buying some bread and
returning to my WalmartApartment in the Toilets Aisle
when some people, in black, barged in. I immediately
grabbed some groceries and evacuated. I knew the branch
will not stand a chance since most of the Walmart
Army forces were busy defending Supercenter #1225 and
#5819. Me and a group of 7 other Walmartians ran to
Supercenter #568, in Lossesville, but one did not make
it." says Larry WID#6355.
The branch had about 2000 residents, out of which 807
were captured. The Walmart Army is planning to retake
the branch. "This branch is very important as it is one
of the 10 Regional Hubs in Florida and directly linked
to the Americas Hub in Albany, NY" says John P. Pig,
the commander of the Walmart Army.
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Rent Prices Watch
$9116 per day ( up $7 from last week).
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Average income results published
The average income of a person in 2023 is $7 per day.
"Most humans are vermin. Only richy rich people should
survive" says Harry Richy Rich, a prominent billionaire
and one of the only people who got college education
WITHOUT getting sucked into lifelong debt.
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Shopping cart accidents increase
Accidents involving shopping carts are increasing as
teens are joyriding them on the streets and highways.
Some teens have also created the CartMobile, which is
a shopping cart with a motor, able to go at speeds of
over 97 kph but with a major flaw: there are no brakes.
1193 people have died from carting (without a motor) and
3682 people have died from riding the CartMobile,
and leaving 216,328 people injured, of which 96,000
are critically injured.
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Prison food found being tasteless
The food in Criminal Prison, North Carolina has been
found to be tasteless. "The food is unbearable and they
do not even have a TV or free WiFi! Why?? Just why?"
says Robert Needswifi, who was arrested in 2018 for
trying to shoplift a truck-load of toilet paper from a
local store.
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New superhero
A new superhero, Captain Potatoe, has been made by
Regret Studios in their SuperSuperheroes cartoon, where
all the heroes die every episode, only to get revived in
the next episode by loading a backup of their mind into
one of their 5000 bodies.
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This stultus avis is a lot shorter because 60% of our
slaves have died due to [CENSORED].
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author:
caketheidiot
Please contribute articles or ideas at caketheidiot@sdf.org