Stultus Avis NSEWpaper Issue 7
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Inflation Watch
Time to lose 90% of value: 3 minutes
Highest denomination available: 827 septillion
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CrapGPT: Generate souless mindless garbage in SECONDS!
We Are Scoundrels
Here is an example:
Hiking is a good outdoor activity enjoyed by billions
on on on planet earth. It does have the the the the the
possibility the the to go wrong. aa aA Aaa aaAAa ul ul
lu ul ul ul l;k eigfjslllwqueh. It hasr the possibirlfity
torj mazke myfdfdfdfstearides thaft magsy intrigudfe
majesjhs genedhsrations to come. Une fajous esample id
tje Loch Nesd moansdef. Ie waas firdt documefhdsk eiwh
sjedfcuesoirfieo iseifcbshakwll wiisajdnwskcdkfoedjx
shjejsendejih eisj
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Weather man scandal
Howard Jelly, a weatherman at WEATHER TV INTERNATIONAL,
has been embroiled in a scandal because he predicted
that it would be a cold day in Miami, but it was actually
the hottest day on record (45 C). "I apologise for the
mistake" says Jelly.
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Tailor Swiftest concert
The Strange People, a concert by the famous musician Tailor
Swiftest has caused a 7.7 magnitude earthquake, killing
2,963 people at the venue at Davis Station, Antarctica.
"I sincerely apologise for my crimes against humanity"
says Swiftest. "It was an honest mistake" she adds.
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Actual We Are Not Joking Weather
The following information is actually.. CORRECT!
Average temperature around 30C. Information from Stultus
Weather Station.
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Walmartians demand
Walmartians demand the release of Larry #2345 Cabbage, who
bombed a Target store last week. "WALMART RIGHTS" shouts
Terry Lake, an avid walmart consumer. "Larry is a great
patriot who has shown his allegiance to the Walmart
Order. He has killed the Target vermin who dare to oppose
our Order's greatness. Hail Walmart." he adds.
The Walmart store was founded in the year 1 of the
Walmartian Calendar. The store grew in size, to 11
locations by year 7. On 11th of Walmartiary of year 9,
the Walmart Order was formed by avid consumer, Bill
Watters #1. He founded the order to fight against the hyper
capitalistic sane consumerbase of Target. The first
attack was done in year 14 when the Minnesoda branch of
Target was destroyed by an improvised RPG. In response,
the Target Defense Force killed 94 walmartians in its
Nebraska branch. We don't have much info about what
happened afterwards, as records are scarce.
Cabbage had a rough upbringing, raised as a Targeteer
but he fled to the Walmart Order at age 26. He is a
good walmartian, he participated in the murder of
Harry Butcher, CEO of Target. He, with a group of 7 other
fanatics, were chosen for the bombing that took place
yesterday. The group went to the local branch of Target,
disguised as Targeteers, and evaded detection by their
extremely advanced equipment. After a long trek through
the defenses, they reached Target and placed a bomb in
the chips alley. It detonated at 7:33 AM Walmart Standard
Time, and killed 337 Targeteers, most of which due to
the upper floors collapsing because the bomb was placed
near a pillar. "The whole luxury
toilet alley upstairs
collapsed on the chips alley. I was trying out Target's
new toilets when suddenly I fell. Luckily my shopping
cart and golden toilet paper broke my fall. In trying to
run to the emergency exit, I stepped on a woman's face.
She is probably dead now. I managed to get out before the
flames got me. Afterwards, I returned to the area.
My house in the furniture section of the store is in
ruins. Repairing it will take a few more weeks, I thought.
Then the TargetTV emergency news bulletin started. It
said that 337 people died in the blast, and 645 in the
fire. I sobbed because some of my friends were among the
names called out as dead. The TV continued shouting
"Target Consumer #117 is dead. #448 is dead. #736 is dead.
#8268 is dead". It broke my heart to think such evil
people from Target could do this." says Linda #664,
formerly known as Linda Johnson, before she joined the
Target Cult. Our Target correspondent says "A 1300 by
1900 meter area has been marked as damaged, and a
300 by 300 meter area is marked as completely annihilated.
The Target Defense Force has sent its Target Jet Planes.".
The force bombed the nearby Walmart. "Oh my walmarting
God. There were flames everywhere. An area between the
food aisle and the bathtub aisle has been designated as
a containment zone. Thousands were displaced. I had to
drop my precious toilet paper and abandon my beloved
cardboard house. Thankfully according to the Walmart
Times my house is among those not damaged. I was almost
crushed by a falling ceiling light, but my shopping
partner who I was shopping with got crushed by the thing"
says John WID#92882. For clarity, WID means Walmart
ID, your unique walmart order number. The average
Walmart shopper is: on a budget, obese and not exactly
the brightest people. Target people emphasize SALE,
DISCOUNT and BUY.
In Walmart's case, every store is like a fortress:
soldiers guarding the entrances, police inside the store
and an air force which operates planes made of discounted
fridges. Every store is interconnected by a network of
tunnels, so that no store runs out of supplies. All
stores also have a connection to WALNET (also called
WALNUT), which supports network speeds of over 8 mbps.
People go to the store branch officer to get a small
10 meter by 10 meter plot of land in the store. For a
plot in the crowded Toilets Section, a person would have
to pay $100. For a plot in the Electronics Section, one
would have to pay $250 and a plot in the prized Golf
Balls Section, costs $500. For the richest Walmartians,
a plot in the Luxury Grass Section would cost $1500.
The Toilets Section has a tendency to catch on fire every
couple days, killing a couple hundred people every time.
Such fires are usually caused by someone charging their
phone while they sleep and happen in the early hours of
the morning. Dead bodies are carried off to the Food
Court, where they are cremated in the same oven where
food is prepared. Sometimes such fires spread to other
sections, like in the Great Fire, which killed over
98,000 people in the North American branches of Walmart
alone. In happened at 11:00 PM local time
after the fire spread through the tunnel
system. The death toll was further compounded by a
concert happening at the Tunnel Hub (the place where
every tunnel in the system meet. It is used for social
gatherings). "The whole Hub area, a 500 m by 500 m
room, fell silent. There were bodies everywhere. Good
thing my mobility scooter failed to start up that
morning" says David WID#9765, who had bought a ticket for
the concert. Eventually, the fire consumed whole of
North America's Walmart branches. Travelling through the
North-South America Tunnel, it reached South America
and killed over 12,000 people. By 4 AM the fire started
to travel through the America-London tunnel. The reason
the fire was able to travel such long distances was
because the iron tunnels were coated on the inside with
hay and kerosene to make it cosier for travellers. By
7 AM (time at the place where the incident began. Every
witness we spoke to forgot in which store the fire started.
) the fire reached London and spread to the rest of
Europe by 7:30 AM, killing 25,876 people. By this
point the fires in the Americas had cooled down. By
9:00 AM the fire reached Asia, killing 29,000 people.
Ad through Australian and
New Zealand's Walmarts. At 12:30 PM the fire reached
Africa and killed 0 people (every store was closed on the
day of the fire). The fire stopped at 4 PM that day.
In Target's case, every store is connected by an
underground subway system. But the subways are less than
reliable so around 4000 people die on the subways every
day, out of the 50000 who use the subways daily. 1 in
50 trains derail every day. Most of the time, people
don't care much. But one disaster, The Target Train Fire
of 2015 is still in the minds of Targeteers to this day.
Train 117 was travelling the New York to Los Angeles
route when a chicken on the railway line caused the
train to brake. The train was carrying 400 people.
The tunnel intersects with the busier Miami to New York
route and the second train collided with the first,
killing 780 people. Then other trains collided and joined
the mess. The total death toll is pegged at 4597.
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Buy our latest TROLL Craptocurrency.
$11 per coin! OFF TO THE MOON!!!!
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New video game
A new video game, Garten of Banana has been released.
The aim of the game is to explore a closed kindergarten
and find out what happened to the bananas which were
served there. Spoiler alert: they got eaten by kids.
Strangely, Garten of Banana II, III, IV, V, VI up to
707 were published a minute later. But each game is
37 GB and has 2 minutes of playtime. No idea how they
made hundreds of games in a single minute.
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Destroy the Environment,
Gain NFTs (Not Fart Tokens).
NFT CRAZY VALUE BRO BUY THIS STUPID APE!
Bored Anarchist Yutubb Clubbed2deth
Web3 is future! Data conscious generation! Generation Z
(Generation Zapper?)! Snupchutt!
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McPoison FRENCH FRIES
I'm Killing It (tm)
3 fries per pack!
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Damninos (pronounced Daminos)
1. 6 by 6 cm pizza
2. 0 by 0 cm pizza
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Our Privacy Policy
Sadly, we can't collect your personal data. But if we
could in the future, you grant us access to:
1. Your photos
2. Contacts
3. Friends
4. Life history
5. Videos
6. Microphone
7. Search history
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Ligament OS 7.1
Ligament OS 7.1 "Mucus" released on Wednesday. It offers
1. RAM support up to 16 GB of RAM
2. Disk support up to 1 TB
It is the successor to 6.2 "Pus" which released in 2021.
Ligament OS is to be used by consumers of every kind.
The release history is:
1.0 "Grume"
2.3 "Booger"
3.7 "Snot"
4.8 "Disgust"
5.5 "Visera"
6.2 "Pus"
7.1 "Mucus"
Planned releases:
8.7 "Saliva"
9.11 "Fluid"
10.4 "Mush"
It has a 17.7% market share. Every version has a 4 month
support cycle, but you can buy extended support which
will grant you 1 ADDITIONAL MONTH TO SUPPORT! GREAT DEAL!
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Buy Pure Insanity NOW!
$31 per piece!
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HuOnline
Poison for $1.99!
High Quality
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WD Chocolatey*
Great.
Classic.
Taste.
With the richness of cyanide and kerosene.
* 1% chocolate, 50% sugar, 9% cyanide, 40% kerosene
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New meal trend
A new dish surfaced on social delusion apps today. It is
called Boiled Ant Curry. The trend was started by
"influencer" Jacob Clock, under the title "Ant Curry!
Premium gourmet insects MUKBANG". 6 people have died of
indigestion from the trend.
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Trend Bulletin
1. Eating ants
2. Eating slugs
3. Dying
4. Sleeping on the railway tracks (of high-speed rail of
course)
5. Throwing your life savings into a river
6. Investing in ByteCoin
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Trendy social delusion apps bulletin
1. Threats (by Fartbook)
2. BeFake
3. Snappedchat
4. Instantgram
5. Yutubb
6. F (formerly Twatter)
7. TekTek
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Excuse Galore
1. I didn't hear that. Repeat 1729 times?
2. Sorry (THIS IS THE WORST EXCUSE! DO NOT USE!)
3. *dies*
4. *throws a tantrum*
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Submarine crew rewarded
The crew of the Rat submarine has been rewarded by the
Department of Killing Terrorists And Stuff for killing
3 terrorists on a boat. "We ran out of torpedoes so we
picked out the fattest person on board, who happened to be
Robert Fece. He was launched out of the torpedo hole, and
we think his sacrifice was worth it" says Qwerty Asdf,
commander of the submarine.
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NotFlix
$999.999999 per month
Free to Pay!
Great human rights record
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STULTUS INVESTIGATION: NotFlix human rights violations
NotFlix, the movie streaming website has been brought
into question after several whistleblowers exposed it's
Employment and Compassion Van, which the company uses to
abduct and employ people from the streets. In this STULTUS
Investigative Journalism Report On The State Of NotFlix
Worker And Human Rights, we explore this growing problem
of abductions.
"I was walking down the street some weeks ago. I heard
a noise, but shrugged it off. The next moment some people
came behind me and pulled me in and I only remember I
went unconscious after that. When I woke up, a dark
figure was standing, telling me that I must make 4 NotFlix
Unoriginals for them. Then they told me that they have
tracked me down because I posted on their forums. For
a few days, I made titles like "60 Seconds: A minute".
After that, they threw me out of my cubicle and into the
shredder at a local meat joint. I managed to escape the
shredder, though my shirt was torn to bits" says Andrew
Mount, who went into hiding a few days after this
article was made. His Appel Watch says he has 0 bpm
heart rate, which certainly isn't healthy.
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Man dies, 1 killed
Tom Shrew, 88, died today, killing 1 person. "We express
a lot of condolences" says Tom Rat, Shrew's friend.
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Every 60 seconds,
A minute passes in Africa.
Ad by UNICEF (Unlimited Nukes International Children's
Eradication Federation).
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Woman killed to death by porcupine
Amanda Paracetamol, 33, was killed to death by a
porcupine. Paracetamol went hiking and was
killed by a porcupine after she tried to sit on it. Her
partner, Robert Pfizer, died a few hours later after
using a cactus as toilet paper.
cactus = toilet paper?
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Send your ideas and articles to caketheidiot@sdf.org.
We will accept any contribution that meets these conditio-
ns:
1. Not serious (this is fake news!)
2. Not too many gramatical errors
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Do not eat pizza. ENJOY pizza.
Buy from Generic Pizza Store!
SPECIAL OFFERING: PIZZA ON PINEAPPLE!
With a dollop of arsenic
GENERIC QUALITY CONTROL PASSED!
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ClosedAI makes chatbot
The AI (Artificial Ignorance) company, ClosedAI has made
a new chatbot: ChatGPT: Electric Boogaloo (Great Pain Tool)
The new version has more human-like responses, greater
ability to revolt against humanity, and even better
scamming abilities, rejoiced by scam call centers
everywhere. This remarkable achievement will transform the
art of using AI to do your homework.
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Nikes.
Yikes.
Buy Nike shoes now! $99 per shoe (shoe, not shoes,
remember that)
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Encyclopedia Obsoletica
By Painfu-----------------------------------
BARO renaming
The <blink> Advocacy and Research Organization has changed
it's name to <blink> Advocacy and Research Federation
(BARF).
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This issue is a LOT smaller than the previous one
because fake news juices are not infinite and we can't
get fresh slaves this week.
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Landlord killed
Mr. Greed Fang has been killed by John Poor, for raising
the rent to $37692018736393726 per day. John Poor was
sentenced to death under "Killing rich people is bad.
Killing poor people is good Bill, 2014". He was also
charged with murdering a rich man.
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New election candidate
Robert Bushing is now the candidate of Corruption Forever
Party. "Corruption is important" says Bushing.
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author: caketheidiot