December 23rd, 2022: Panic Attacks

Today I had another panic attack. I have never had panic attacks before, but about a month ago 
I had a really bad one when I went to my doctor's office/pharmacy as I do every other week to 
pick up medication. I had no idea what was happening...

My body started going numb and "buzzing". My heart was pounding. I was pouring sweat. I felt 
like I was dying. My stomach and digestive system was cramping so badly I honestly thought 
I was going to crap my pants. It slowly passed after about 20 minutes. I wouldn't wish that 
on my worst enemy. When I got home I passed out.

Well, I don't know if it was apprehension or what, but I had another one the next time I 
visited. That was 2 weeks ago, and I (mostly) managed to overcome it with breathing, and 
trying to order my thoughts. I kept reminding myself that I was safe, that I'd be back 
home soon. And that sort of helped.

Today, it started before I even got to my pharmacy. During the last leg of my public transit 
trip there, I started going all numb and tingly, and my heart was pounding. I had to get off 
the bus and walk to the pharmacy. Being outside seemed to help fight it off, a bit. When I got 
there, I wasn't doing too bad. I had called ahead and so they were already preparing my medication, 
because I knew I wanted to just grab it and go to avoid a prolonged visit. Well, after sitting 
there for a couple minutes (I ordered a Lyft home as a *huge* winter storm was bearing down on 
Toronto), it started back up again. Really, really bad. Stomach cramps, whole body going numb and 
buzzing, voices seemed too loud. I was thinking I needed to get to a toilet, so I forced myself 
to stand up and go outside, and as the cold air hit me I realized the storm was already starting. 
The wind was whipping and the snow was flying. My ride was about 7 minutes away, and I was going 
to go into the coffee shop next door and ask to use the bathroom but I realized I couldn't, I 
didn't have time. However, once again, being outside for a moment helped.

I went back into the pharmacy and sat down. Every time a "wave" of the panic subsides, I get an 
endorphin release because I am just so relieved it's over. So that started happening, and I told 
my pharmacist what was happening (she was there for the first really bad one) and she helped me 
breathe and focus. Then my ride arrived.

The ride home wasn't too bad, it almost started to flare up again but I was able to fight it off 
by thinking "Come on, I'll be home and in bed in no time, we're done with what we set out to do 
today." And that helped.

Got home, and it had faded. Leaves me mentally exhausted. Went to the bathroom because 30 minutes 
prior I was sure I was going to explode; but once I got home, nothing. Sigh. 

I genuinely don't know what to do about this. The apprehension thinking about the panic attacks 
happening is probably what is triggering them now. I still don't know what started them in the first 
place. But I wouldn't wish that feeling on anyone. It's so horrible. Your body is telling you 
something is DREADFULLY wrong, but your brain knows logically nothing is wrong, but that doesn't 
matter. It's probably happening in the amygdala, which means it's totally separated from the conscious, 
logical part of the brain. So maybe I need anti anxiety meds, but those would probably conflict with 
the other medications I'm on. So I'm just at a loss for what to do. I have to see a mental health 
professional, but good luck finding one that's available right now.
Anyway, this turned out a bit more depressing than I meant. Things are genuinely fine most of the time. 
I just don't know how to deal with this crap.