Becoming more selfish

August 16th 2024
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I'm a very selfless person. No. I don't mean that as a good thing.

I am a person who has been, intentionally and unintentionally, hollowed 
out by a lot of other people over the course of my life

At this point I frequently feel like I only have volition if I'm alone 
where no one else's will can push on my mind

Part of what's so bad about all of this is that it doesn't even take 
someone trying to override my sense of self anymore. Just people 
existing near me with needs makes my whole mind blank out. I can't 
remember what I need, what I want, what I was going to do. I just go 
into this Servant Mode

I hate it. I know my partners hate it. It's frustrating how I don't know 
how to turn any of this off.

I'm trying though. I'm honestly trying to be a little bit more selfish 
even if the idea of "someone else being around and yet I don't cater to 
their needs" sets off my scruples obsessions into screaming.

The only way out is through, right?