Mortified Matchmakers Love Questionairre III
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The Collegiate Version
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Name:
University:
1. Sex:
a) Male b) Male - I think
c) Female d) Only on a waterbed
e) It f) Only on a slab
g) Other h) All of the above
2. I chase:
a) Guys (I'm stupid)
b) Girls (I'm really stupid)
c) Both (I'm indecisive)
d) Neither (I'm dead)
e) Cars, sticks, and small blue rubber toys (I'm a dog)
f) Inanimate objects (I'm not really motivated)
g) Not sure (I'm confused)
3. Century of Birth:
a) 0th Century (Jesus Christ Groupie)
b) 8th Century (Atila the Hun Groupie)
c) 13th Century (Schizophrenic Alien Groupie)
d) 15th Century (Michael Angelo Groupie)
e) 19th Century (Abe Lincoln Groupie)
f) 20th Century (Simpsons Groupie)
g) 23rd Century (Star Trek: The Next Generation of Groupies)
h) 25th Century (Buck Rogers Groupie)
4. Religion:
a) Ancient Egyptian (Horus, Iris, etc.)
b) Ancient Greek (Zeus and those all-star Olympians)
c) Ancient Roman (Ancient Greek with the names changed)
d) Old Pagan (The original religion)
e) Roman Catholic (Old Pagan with the names changed)
f) Ancient Roman Catholic (Biggest money maker in Europe)
g) Jewish (Still waiting for the Saviour. Stupid)
h) Lutheran (Saw him. Missed him. Waiting again. Even
stupider)
i) Unitarian (Open to all religions)
j) Old Religion (Modern Pagan)
k) Atheist (Optimistic)
l) Agnostic (Indecisive)
m) Protestant (So many of them, and they all know The Truth)
n) Hindu (Religion most probable to turn out to be the One
True Religion)
o) Martian ('Thou art god.')
5. Style of Eyebrows:
a) Unibrow (Bert)
b) Bushy Brow (Groucho Marx)
c) Vee Brow (Witch of the West)
d) Owls Perched on Forehead Brow (Albert Einstein)
e) Painted-On Brow (Tammy Fay Bakker)
f) No Brow (Pink Floyd)
6. Part I - I wear the following scent:
a) Poison (not the group)
b) Manure (bad advertising scheme)
c) Santa Fe (not the railroad)
d) Eau de Toilette (Ah, the fragrance)
e) Drakkar Noir (Damn French names)
f) Liz Taylor's Obsession
g) Willie Nelson's Armpit
h) Albert Einstein's Inspiration (99% perspiration)
i) Opus' Cod-Head
j) Nothing (I'm European)
k) Other (Please state)
Part II - I like my dates to wear the following scent:
a) Poison b) Manure
c) Santa Fe d) Eau de Toilette
e) Drakkar Noir f) Obsession
g) Armpit h) Inspiration
i) Cod-Head j) Nothing
k) Other
7. Part I - I weigh about the same as:
a) Michael J. Fox's pituitary gland
b) A Pringle
c) A feather
d) Barry Manilow
e) Barry Manilow, soaking wet
f) Barry Manilow, with a 20 pound weight on his chest
g) An average person
h) An average person after swallowing lots of ball bearings
i) Two average people grafted together
j) A large land mammal
k) A cement mixer
l) The Stealth Bomber
m) North America
n) A teaspoon full of black hole
Part II - I like my dates to weigh about the same as:
a) Michael J. Fox's pituitary gland
b) A Pringle
c) A feather
d) Barry Manilow
e) Barry Manilow, soaking wet
f) Barry Manilow, with a 20 pound weight on his chest
g) An average person
h) An average person after swallowing lots of ball bearings
i) Two average people grafted together
j) A large land mammal
k) A cement mixer
l) The Stealth Bomber
m) North America
n) A teaspoon full of black hole
8. Part I - My hair is usually:
a) Short and neat (standard for men)
b) Long and neat (standard for women)
c) Short and unkempt (slob)
d) Long and unkempt (metal head)
e) Spiked (with hairspray)
f) Really spiked (with egg whites)
g) Incredibly spiked (with wood grain)
h) Cut with a bowl on my head (Navy cut)
i) Coated with three cans of hairspray (High hair)
j) Seen strolling in Peru with Imelda Marcos (?)
k) In a Pompadour (Who are you, Elvis?)
l) In an Afro (Why?)
m) In a toupee (usually purple)
n) Permed (chemical warfare in my hair)
o) Missing (bald)
p) Other (Please state [not that we'll enter it in])
Part II - I like my date to have hair that is usually:
a) Short and neat b) Long and neat
c) Short and unkempt d) Long and unkempt
e) Spiked f) Really spiked
g) Incredibly spiked h) Cut with a bowl
i) Coated with hairspray j) Seen strolling in Peru
k) In a Pompadour l) In an Afro
m) A toupee n) Permed
o) Missing p) Other
9. Part I - Favourite Pickup Line (To pick someone else up with):
a) "Hi, I'm from another planet. Want a ride in my
spaceship?"
b) "You might think I'm psychotic, but I followed you home
from the library, stole the envelope that guaranteed you
one million dollars, looked up your address and phone
number in the phone book (using good ole Ed McMahon as a
guide), prank called you to make sure you were home, and
came straight over here."
c) "What do you think about purple M&Ms?
d) "Heh, didn't I just read your name in the obituaries."
e) "Hi." (Big Friendly Smile)
f) "How would you like to be whipped, chained, and beaten
till every bone in your body aches with pain?"
g) "Madam, your eyes are more beautiful than the sun setting
behind the trees on a cool spring day."
h) "My, don't YOU have big muscles."
i) "What's your sign?"
Part II - Favourite Pickup Line (To be picked up with):
a) "Hi, I'm from another planet....."
b) "You might think I'm psychotic, but....."
c) "What do you think about purple M&Ms?"
d) "Heh, didn't I just read your name...."
e) "Hi." (Big Friendly Smile)
f) "How would you like to be whipped...."
g) "Madam, your eyes are more beautiful than..."
h) "My, don't YOU have big muscles."
i) "What's your sign?"
10. Part I - I would describe myself to be most like:
a) Doctor Frankenfurter (Anything human [Fashionable
Dresser])
b) Catherine the Great (Anything that moves)
c) Madonna (Anything)
d) Charles Mansion ('It was a mercy killing.')
e) Tom Cruise (sexually appealing actor)
f) Rosanne Barr (nonsexually appealing actress)
g) Lady Jane
h) Leonardo Da Vinci (creative genius)
i) Donald Trump (Rich. We mean really rich. We're talking
clams the size of Manhattan here. Got it.)
j) God (Omniscient, Omnipotent, Omnibenevolent. All in one
bottle)
k) Myself (Really unique bore [Can't you think of anyone
else?])
l) Someone else (Really boring bore [No, I can't.])
m) Other (Please state)
Part II -I would most like to date someone like:
a) Doctor Frankenfurter (I like transvestites)
b) Catherine the Great (I don't mind what people do in the
privacy of their own stable)
c) Madonna (Okay. I go cheap. So what?)
d) Charles Mansion (I like homicidal killers)
e) Tom Cruise (Who wouldn't?)
f) Rosanne Barr (Cough. Cough! Aiagh! What?!?)
g) Lady Jane (I'm always fancied nobility)
h) Leonardo Da Vinci (I like creative people)
i) Donald Trump (Just to marry them and get a divorce)
j) God (I like the powerful domineering type)
k) Myself (A bit egocentric, aren't we?)
l) Someone else (Don't like ourself?)
m) Other (Please state)
11. Part I - My current major is:
a) Art (No, we are NOT all gay, thank you!)
b) Philosophy (If I didn't exist, would I be able to
contemplate the existence of my non-existence?)
c) Math (One plus one equals three. See, no calculator!)
d) Physics (Head in the Clouds Syndrome)
e) Biology (Open up dead animals and try to figure out how
they work)
f) Chemistry (Playing with chemistry sets all day. Kind of
childish really)
g) Medicine (Want to become rich and screw people all day)
h) Law (Want to become REALLY rich and REALLY screw people)
i) Communication (Uh. Agh. Duh. Um. Hgh. Pffft!)
j) English (They've been speaking it all their life and
STILL they don't get it)
k) Drama (So they're qualified to star in Cheerio
commercials)
l) Music (Learn how to write music that doesn't require
lip-syncing)
m) Mechanical Engineering (Learn how to build stuff that
doesn't work)
n) Civil Engineering (The "Social" Engineers. [oxymoron])
o) Environmental Engineering (Learn how to design
biospheres)
p) Electrical Engineering (They design what the Japanese
build)
q) Computer Science (Life consists of Star Trek, Role
Playing Games, and telecommunication services: "Geeks")
r) Computer Engineering (EE and Comp Sci wannabes. Can't
decide which though)
s) Management (For when you can't make it in anything else)
t) Architecture (It's a whole nother sub-culture out there,
kind of like Kowforn [California])
u) Archeology (Graveyard fanatics who like digging up
decayed dead people)
v) History (To learn from our mistakes, then to make them
again so we can learn more)
w) Foreign Language (Sprechen Sie Deutsch? Parles-vous
francais? Hablas espanol?)
x) Teaching (Teaching what? Hamster/Zebra mating techniques?)
y) Other (Too many majors to list them all you know...)
z) None (Undecided, confused people. If you're Liberal Arts,
pick this option)
Part II - I would like my date to have a major of:
a) Art b) Philosophy
c) Math d) Physics
e) Biology f) Chemistry
g) Medicine h) Law
i) Communication j) English
k) Drama l) Music
m) Mechanical Engineering n) Civil Engineering
o) Environmental Engineering p) Electrical Engineering
q) Computer Science r) Computer Engineering
s) Management t) Architecture
u) Archeology v) History
w) Foreign Language x) Teaching
y) Other z) None
12. Favourite Thing to Watch on TV:
a) The Simpsons (high intellect cartoons)
b) The Dan Quayle Show (low intellect cartoons)
c) The Weather Channel (Do you really care about the weather
in Malta?)
d) Tiny Toon Adventures (Do you know about the mystery
credit?)
e) The Pat Sajak Show (What kind of loser are you?)
f) MTV (Commercials 24 hours a day with some music in
between)
g) CNN (Is there really that much news in the world?)
h) Univision (No hablo espanol)
i) Static (I love to watch it snow)
j) Two flies mating on the screen (Pitiful)
k) Blank screen (Imagination)
13. The majority of my clothes are:
a) Torn b) Stolen
c) Skirts d) Black
e) From K-Mart f) My mother's
g) Made by my mother h) See through
i) Leather j) Colour coordinated
k) On loan l) Someone else's
m) Filled with burrs n) Borrowed from the costume
o) Other closet
14. Worst Nightmare:
a) Your mother deciding to go back to college just as you
are entering it and applying to the same ones as you.
b) Every bone in your body pulled out one by one with ice
cold pliers, no anesthesia.
c) Sharing an elevator with a trio of Rosanne Barrs singing
naked (not a freight elevator either).
d) Waking up on a snooker table with a high school student
and not knowing what state you're in.
e) Having a Purity Test score of -1 (Imagine what you have
to do to get this score).
f) Other (Please don't state, we don't want to hear it).
15. Wildest Dream:
a) Having a Purity Test score of -1 (Imagine what you have
to do to get this score).
b) Being stranded on an island with 359 beautiful women (or
georgeous men, depending upon your preferences), a case
of condoms and a waterbed.
c) To be a guest host on Wheel of Fortune.
d) To nuke Canada as a joke and tell them the Dutch did it.
e) To die.
f) (Write own sex fantasy here).
g) Other
16. Things that really turn me off include:
a) Other people (anti-social)
b) The opposite sex (anti-sexual)
c) My own sex (anti-homosexual?)
d) Sex (A bit religious, are we?)
e) Blisters gushing pus (Reasonable, I guess)
f) Partners over a foot taller than myself
g) Crucifixion (Painful, unless you're into S & M)
h) 2 inch long nose hair (Or worse yet, ear hair)
i) Ivan Boesky (Well, I can understand)
17. Which of the following is most important to you?
a) Sex (average teen)
b) Religion (missionary/Jesus Christ freak)
c) Your right arm (with your right arm, who needs sex?)
d) Hostess Ding-Dongs (food fanatic)
e) Twin Peaks (suicidal homicidal soap opera freak)
f) Bourbon (drunk)
g) This survey (poor sod)
h) Clean laundry (overzealous maid)
i) Blood (ROTC/army type)
j) Peace (coming back into style hippie)
k) The physical laws governing the universe (over focused
physicisicist)
18. My room includes:
a) A waterbed with dark satin black covers.
b) A lava lamp and a snooker table.
c) Several months worth of dirty laundry piled atop several
more months of stinking dirty laundry.
d) A half eaten Twinkie that's been under my bed since 1983.
e) An underwear collection of someone else's underwear.
f) 173 pairs of socks (randomly strewn across the room)
g) A small but intensely powerful black hole.
h) A lot of small blue rubber things.
i) Ravenous wolves (It's a pain keeping it clean, believe
me)
j) Kuwait (Kind of puts an interesting spin on the Nightly
News, doesn't it?)
k) A cardboard box, an alley, lower Manhattan.
l) Mirrors on the ceiling (He, he, he, he)
m) Nothing at all whatsoever (Vacuum)
19. Favourite Type of Nut:
a) Ywebred b) Tasty Kind c) Round Kind
d) Pistachio e) Other Kind f) Hazel
g) 3 1/4 inch h) Bonified i) Harry Fishnut
j) Male k) Peanuts l) Almond
m) Cashews n) Hazelnut o) Salty
p) An editor nut q) Purebred r) Filberts
s) Macadamia t) Makadamion u) Makadamia
v) Just a plain nut
w) Other (Please state)
20. If I was King For A Day, the first thing I would do is:
a) Bomb Iraq
b) Bomb France
c) Bomb everywhere, indiscriminately
d) Declare this "National Utilize Your Orifices Day"
e) Make an executive order to have Vanna White, Howie
Mandel, and the vice-king put to death for treason
f) Use the army to kick the Hell out of those losers in
Canada
g) Tax everyone; retire
h) Reinstate the secret police system
i) Throw out the constitution and replace it with Weekly
World News Year in Review
j) Wake up, take a shower
21. If I was stranded on a desert island, the one thing I would
want is:
a) A boat (Practical, aren't we?)
b) Bayer aspirin (9 out of 10 doctors preferred)
c) A suspension bridge (Beats a boat)
d) A wild pack of ravenous wolves (Need some excitement)
e) A thermos (?)
f) A gorgeous member of the opposite sex (Watch Blue Lagoon
too often, eh?)
g) A nuclear device
h) A stake through the heart (Whatever turns you on)
22. The statement which best summarizes my attitude towards life
is:
a) Aaarrrgh!
b) Aaaiieee (slightly different, more fear)
c) Where's my goddamn Twin Peaks?!
d) Lick me.
e) I never knew odour could be so interesting.
f) Do you want to learn how to drive the big rigs?
g) Good Lord! I'm on fire!
h) Peace in the Middle East!
i) I'm a lawyer. AND a chiropractor.
j) I want to marry someone rich and powerful who will take
care of me for the rest of my life.
k) My life is a meaningless shithole (Thank you, Jean-Paul
Sartre)
l) I love myself.
m) I love myself, except when my arm gets stuck in the
garbage disposal.
n) Ignore the grease stains.
o) Recycle damnit.
p) Wear a smile as your umbrella.
q) Shut your mouth or I'll shut it FOR you.
r) Jesus saves.
23. Are you going to purgatory? (We had to do it).
a) I might stop by on my way to heaven.
b) I might stop by on my way to hell.
c) Not this year, thank you. Maybe next year I'll stop by
on my way to Bermuda. [The "Purgatory? What's that?"
option]
d) Going?!? I LIVE there.
e) Nah, I hate high altitudes.
f) This is beginning to become a really lame question and I
refuse to answer it. Who are you guys, some whacked out
Dante fans? [Yes.]
24. Ancestry:
a) American Indian (Give us our land back, you damn Americans)
b) Indian Indian (Give us our land back, you damn Britons)
c) German (Absolutely a fabulously great ultimate thing to
be [And so we wonder some more, is this test still biased
-- damn straight!])
d) French (And you ADMIT it?)
e) English (Give us our land back, you damn Indians)
f) Scottish (What exactly DO you have under those things?)
g) Welsh (Are you real?)
h) Irish (No Idaho Instant Mashed Potatoes here)
i) Italian (Can you cook ANYTHING without using that damn
pasta?)
j) Swedish (We're going to PUMP, you up)
k) Russian (When will you learn to write an N the right way
round?)
l) Spanish (And God said to Spain, go and populate South
America)
m) Greek (You're father being in a fraternity does not count
for this one)
n) Iranian (Terrorism. It's not just a job. It's a
profession)
o) Oriental (Sorry, we can't tell you apart)
p) European (Oops. We can't tell you apart either)
q) Chinese (Land of the Oriental Communists)
r) Japanese (Land of the Oriental Capitalists)
s) Korean (Not Chinese. Not Japanese. Must be Korean)
t) Maltese (Just kidding)
u) African (Never mind, I KNOW what you guys have under
those things)
v) Antarctican (Some of my best friends are penguins. Some
of my best penguins are friends.)
w) Martian (Martian! Martian! Doesn't anyone come from
Saturn anymore?)
x) Saturnian (Secret Martian wannabes)
y) Tellus Tertian (Schizophrenic aliens popping up
everywhere?)
z) Other (Heh, didn't we cover pretty much everyone?)
Apologies
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We apologise to all users of this test for the appalling use
of Michael J. Fox's pituitary gland. It is quite untrue that one
night while he was sleeping we snuck into his room, put him under
anesthesia, opened him up, and actually weighed it. All rumours
that it was .365 pounds are totally false. Apologies are
extended to Barry Manilow for using him as weight
standards. But think about it this way, someday, millions of
years in the future someone will be saying, yeah, I only weigh
one and a half Manilows (Okay, it IS a pretty scary thought).
We must of course apologise to Malta for laughing that it was
even a real country. So sorry. Apologies to all those who
didn't get their nut in the last nut question, it should be in
there now. Especial apologies to Kim Morris who's filbert nut
has been sitting around waiting to be added for quite a while.
Finally, apologies to the Welsh for laughing at their country
too and to anyone else we may have offended either on purpose
or by accident.
Thanks & Acknowledgements
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We extend our gracious thanks to the following people.
Trevor Lohrbeer for creating Mortified Matchmaker's, the NSSP,
and all that other mayhem you've been dealing with for oh so
long. Jeremy P. Bushnell and Stephen Colella for helping in the
writing and dreaming up of a lot of these questions. Jennifer
King for helping on the pickup lines, the perfumes, and various
questions I can't remember. Kim Morris for bugging me oh so
often to put in filberts. There in. Satisfied. Joseph Melillo
for existing for me to ridicule so I could dream up categories
for this year's Mortified Matchmaker's. Without him I would have
said forget it. Thanks to all those who supported this thing
through the three years and to all those who didn't. Join the
National Society of Strange People (NSSP) today [Contact Trevor
Lohrbeer at the above mentioned address (first page) for more
information] and support strangeness in America and all over the
world. Creative people Unite!