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/ /_/_______/_/\ / / / / / /__/ / / / / //\_____\/
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/ /\_______/ \/__/ / / / / \ \_\_\__\/___ / /_/______
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p r e s e n t s
H O W T O G E T L A I D O N T H E F I R S T D A T E
Written by 808 STATE
Uploaded - Raphael
Edited - Raphael & 808 State
One of the perpetual needs of the average male is sex, but sadly most women
are reluctant to give in to this on the first date. This guide will tell
you step by step, how to ensure that you get her into bed.
THE DATE
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Take her to a restaurant, somewhere nice but cheap. I'd advice someplace
close to home, because if all goes well, you will want to get her home as
quickly as possible, before she escapes, err.. changes her mind.
Dress for the occasion. Wear clothes that mask the real you, that being
wear a suit, or something. You want to get her to believe that you are a
gentlemen, as opposed to a sex crazed maniac, the latter being the real you.
Take her flowers. Something so cheap, but such a powerful weapon. If you
don't want to pay for some, steal them. Anyone can pull some flowers out
of their nextdoor neighbour's yard.
Preparation is the key to success, so before leaving, put the following in
your car (just in case): A strong nylon rope, a balaclava, a sharp
Wiltshire stay sharp filleting knife (preferably with a brown handle), a
copy of "Solider of Fortune" magazine, and a walkman. It would also be a
good idea to pack a large polythene bag as well, and maybe some bricks to
match it.
ON THE DATE
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Whilst on the date, you must be polite. Try and trick the bitch into
believing that you are honest, kind, considerate of others, and a "new
age" male. Get her believing this and you are half way there to getting the
slag in the bag.
Talk about things of culture, music, art, theatre. Don't talk about things
like "The time you bit the head of your mother's budgie", "Or how you
murdered a million tibetan monks, but we're excused because you were a
freemason", or "How many men you killed in Vietnam". No, ladies don't like
that sort of talk, despite the fact it is far more interesting. Tell them
about how you are a fan of good music, and have a great record collection.
Make sure you gear everything you say around their interests. If you find
out that she is a fan of "The National Bulgarian Potplant Orchestra", tell
her you have got all their albums at home, and maybe one day she could come
over and have a look (at the records).
Use humour, be funny and make her laugh. While she is laughing, you can
order more drinks. The more intoxicated you get her, the better. Aim to
have her vomiting bilious fluid by the end of the night and success is
assured. Don't order beer, order expensive wines. Ladies like wine, and
if you pour drinks at a 4:1 ratio, you should only be tipsy by the nights
end.
As the night progresses, slowly but steadily, start telling her how much
you like her, and how much you have in common. Women love this sort of
crap. Act like you mean it, and she will be putty in your sweaty hands.
Don't go overboard though and start licking her feet, but pay her lots of
subtle compliments.
Towards the end of the night, tell how you would really like to see her
again. By now, she should be totally pissed. If not, tell her anyway. It
is now time to play the final card. Tell her that she is too pissed to
drive, and so you'll take her home.
Stop off at your house, and invite her inside for a coffee. Hopefully, she
will accept, if not then it's time to get mean. Remember, fear and threats
the greatest aphrodisiac. If she refuses, try and convince her with words.
If words fail, lock the doors. Central locking is beaut for this. She will
probably get scared and start screaming now. If not now, then she probably
will when you begin to rape her. Take the nylon rope and tie her neck to the
headrest. Do it tightly in a slipknot, so that the more she moves, the more
she'll choke. Rip off her dress, and taking the knife in one hand hold it
to her. Then get on top of her, and rape her. You should be able to take
it from here.
Once you're done and you've told her how good she was. Give a kiss, and
tell her how much you'd like to see her, and maybe even her family, again.
Then take the knife and kill her. Put her body in the bag and dump it
somewhere, a good place being in X-Club, the nightclub in King Street
Melbourne, because no-one ever goes there.
If she decides to come into your home, you have won. Shut the door behind
her, then take out the knife. It is your house, and you are a male, so it
should be no problem to bash the fuck out of the bitch and then rape her.
Aim to knock her unconscious, but not into a coma. In case you didn't know,
a woman's cunt tenses up in a coma, and thus entry may be difficult.
Once done, discard of her. A dead bitch is environmentally friendly, so
have no hesitation in burying her someplace. Your backyard? Why not.