A MANLY WAGER
By Lucillus
Dedicated to testosterone
There was a pair of warriors
Who thought they were so cool
BBBain and Magnus were their names
The king and prince of fools.
Now as to which is greater
Come listen to my tale
And I will tell you of the time
These mighty warriors failed.
Late one night a bet they made
A very manly boast
So many maidens each could bed
But who could get the most?
And so they set out for to prove
Who was the biggest prick
And just how stupid they could act
And get away with it.
Bain and Magnus wanted
To show who was the best
And each man was determined
To win this manly test
By fair means and by foul
Many maidens they would lay
Then prove it all by boasting
In a very manly way.
Bain went into town now
And found a likely inn
He was sure the maids would swoon
As soon as they saw him.
He preened and pranced and pampered
To show his better side
And practiced his sincerity
To hide the fact he lied.
And sure enough the spell he wove
Had all the ladies there
Dying for the chance to run
Their fingers through his hair.
"Please, ladies, take a number!"
Pretty Bain he then did say,
"For I will serve you all upstairs,
Until the break of day."
So Bain thinks he's a stud now
And many maids agree
He cares not for discretion
In fact, he charged a fee.
All the ladies they were waiting
To take their turn in bed
Then boast to one another:
"I'm his only love", they said.
But Magnus thinks he's clever
Of that he is so sure
He followed Bain to see how he
Would all the ladies lure.
He saw a lady that he knew
Whose jealous husband cruel
Would kill to keep his lovely wife
As a miser keeps a jewel.
So straight away he went to tell
This jealous hulking man
Of just what Bain was going to do
And his wife's part in the plan.
And so, he thought, he could be sure
To win their manly bet
This surely was as clever
As any man could get!
Now Magnus he is lazy
As if you didn't know
He thought he had it made now
And wished to see the show.
So he went into the tavern
And waited for to see
A very jealous husband
And his victim soon-to-be.
Upstairs Bain was grooming
He made the ladies wait
While Magnus tried his best to hide
And leave Bain to his fate.
Soon the jealous husband
Had gathered to his side
As many friends as he could find
To help him take his bride.
But Magnus was impatient
And quite horny now as well
So he slipped out through the back
To stables by their smell.
He was sure that he could ream
Some very lonely horse
Then be back inside in time to see
Bain thrashed by manly force.
But even for old Magnus
Things sometimes work out well
For Bain chose for his first lay
The faithless wife from hell.
She could not wait for foreplay
But jumped upon his steed
And started quick to ride him
To service her deep need.
I know now what you're thinking
How typical it seems
For Bain to end up with a maid
While Magnus a horse reams.
But justice it soon entered
Into this merry tune
The husband and his many friends
Had come, and none too soon.
Up the stairs they charged as one
And burst into the room
Then looked Bain, and saw right there
His own impending doom.
And naked as a jaybird
He took his only chance:
Went leaping out the window
Without even his pants.
Now Bain had not yet finished
His very manly chore
His manhood still was rigid
And hard now to ignore.
But his luck did not desert him
For below him now he saw
A thatched roof coming quickly
Made of soft and yielding straw.
And Magnus in the stables
Had found a horse to pork
Was pounding deep into her tail
And leaned into his work.
When crashing through the rooftop
Came Bain with his stiff spear
And found poor Magnus most exposed
And fell into his rear.
A mighty squeal of pain and glee
Was heard for miles around
And far away some pigs got hard
Just thinking of that sound.
And so we have a sandwich
Of two men and a horse
It's hard now to imagine
How things could turn out worse.
And Bain, who was stuck deep now
Was trying to escape
But Magnus had recovered
And started screaming "Rape!"
Out came the jealous husband
Who could not believe his eyes
Followed closely by the ladies
Who laughed until they cried.
Now if a man were able
To die of shame alone
Then surely now our heroes
Would be deader than a stone.
But alas, in their position
An embarrassment from hell
They could not defend themselves
And their fate I now will tell.
They were taken to the woods
And then tied upside down
Their clothes were burned before their eyes
And all went back to town.
You think the story's over
But there's one more thing to see
Who had won the wager
And the greatest prick would be.
For as they were a-hanging
An argument ensued
Bain said: "I'm the winner,
And still the coolest dude."
But Magnus he retorted:
"At least I finished mine,
So shut up, Bain, you loser,
I hate it when you whine."
Shindar Drinking Song
Last night I went out drinking,
And I met a lively crew,
So we wandered off together,
To hoist an ale or two.
We came upon a little place,
Where the ladies were most fair,
And so we all decided,
That we should tarry there.
Oh we're bold and handsome
bastards,
'Til the morning anyway,
When the rising sun will smite
our eyes,
And make us curse the day.
The lasses they all love us,
For as long as we can pay,
But when our coin runs out,
They will send us on our way.
So we'll hoist another ale,
And we'll sing another song,
And we'll crawl from bar to bar,
Until the coming of the dawn.
Behind the bar, with golden hair,
There stood a beautious lass,
With ruby lips and eyes of blue,
And this exquisite nose.
Well Maddog was a foolish lad,
Whose moods did not soon pass,
He lept across that little bar,
And tried to pinch her nose.
(Chorus)
We grabbed young Maddog by the cloak,
And everything was fine,
Until the lass's lad showed up,
With a friend or nine.
I will not bore you with the tale,
Suffice to say we had them beat,
And then the city watch showed up,
To make the night complete.
(Chorus)
Now Fezzik he was not to bright,
He'd smashed a guardsman's head,
So the Magistrate said take him out,
And hang him 'til he's dead.
The lass that Maddog tried to pinch,
Appealed to the bench,
And this morning, I've been told,
He got married to the wench!
(Chorus)
His honor looked me in the eye,
And said: "What should I do?"
So I looked right back at him said,
"Let's hoist an ale or two."
So off we wandered into town,
With a guard or two he'd brung,
Along the way there was a brawl,
And come the morning he was hung!
(Final Chorus)
Jester of the Shindar
1992