"The New Kids and Why We Hate Them."
This is an essay demoting the promotion of The Kids tapes,
clothing, posters, and other assorted useless articles. Upon analyzing
the fans of the kids, we discovered they need help. We feel that they
look to this group due to a lack of parental concern and attention in
their family life. This would explaing why these sorry souls must seek
outside attention and comfort from alumni of local colleges and
universities. The five people in this so-called musical group represent
a family. We have come to realize that they received their name because
their parents would not allow them to leave the block. This is just one
example of the family atmosphere of the group, and it is because of
this atmosphere that so many troubled people turn to them after being
rejected by their family.
We fail to see how people can actually enjoy their concerts when
they get over at 9:30 so they can be home by their bedtime. What
really gets us is that it takes five to do the job of one. It would
also seem that on some occasions they wear briefs that are several
sizes too small, this would explain why their voices are so high.
Although we are putting down the little brats we can't help but
feel sorry for them. I mean, how's this for embarassment: A girl is
putting the play on you at a concert, but what can you do when your
mother is backstage because it's her turn to chaperone tonight?
Another question of interest is how can anyone can idolize a group
that has a milk break during the middle of their concert and naptime
before their last song?
This was going to be the part where we slam the way they pose, but
we concluded the class could make up their own mind on that point. So
at this point we would like to focus on the effects of the New
Children's music on their loyal fans. After exhaustive research, we
have been able to compile the following table:
Effects of New Children on the Block on Listeners
93% -- View Saturday cartoons
67% -- View cartoons after school
34% -- Can name all of Santa's reindeer
21% -- Can name three or more of the Shirt Tails
Even Bryant Gumbel, after only one meeting with the group, was
reported to whistle the theme song to the Smurfs, but this has not been
confirmed.
WARNING: After extensive research, we have found that all New
Children's albums contain subliminal messages ordering you to drink
Ovaltine.
Many people have several misconceptions about the New Children's
group. One of the most common is that they're rich because they have
chauffers when actually it's because they can't drive yet. Another is
their clothing. It looks like it's an expensive style of their own when
in all actuality, they just can't afford clothes without any holes in
them on their allowance.
Parents think these little boys are excellent examples for the
youth of this country because they don't do drugs or alcohol. The
actual truth is that they don't even know what these things are yet. We
have also discovered an astonishing lack of even the most basic
knowledge in the most important of all fields. World History.
For example, when we asked them who Caesar was, three thought he
was the owner of the Little Caesar's Pizza chain and the other two
thought he held the patent to Caesar's salad. Next we asked them about
the Inquisition. They thought it was the question and answer page in
The National Enquirer. At this point, we wanted to get away from these
kid asked for a closing statement. This is a direct quote.
"We are glad we hit stardom and make lots of money. That got us out
of poverty. Now if we can only get out puberty."
Although we cannot explain why the Brats got so famous, we do feel
it might have been because Joe has his picture on the Gerber baby food
bottle.
In closing we would like to stress the importance of defacing any
and all New Kids' products and encourage the idolizing of any other
group.
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