loneliness
~hieu
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As I near forty, I've started to see friendships in a different
light. When I was younger, connecting with people felt rather
effortless. Friendships just happened, and I assumed they'd last,
not a lifetime but at least as long as possible.

We went through ups and downs together. And when they start to
fade, it's difficult to restore them.

I recently lost a friend I'd known for over 25 years. It's strange
to even write that—twenty-five years of friendship. We'd been not
that close since our teenage years, but as time grows on we grew
fonder for each other's company, then when we were older, we shared
life's highs and lows. But as life does when you get older, life
gets complicated. People marry, start families, and create their
own worlds. My friend's spouse began to feel uncomfortable with our
friendship, maybe a bit jealous, and I didn't want to intrude on
their relationship.

I chose to step back, hoping we might reconnect when things settled
down. But stepping back turned out to be more permanent than I
expected.

Now, I'm left without any close friends, and that feels heavier
than I'd imagined. I used to see life as a journey where we walk
alongside people we care about. But now, it feels like I'm moving
forward alone, and that makes everything seem a bit emptier.
There's an unexpected hollowness in realising that I've let go of
so many people over the years, little by little, and that some of
those connections are gone for good.

Perhaps this is just part of growing older? But it's difficult to
shake the sense of loss. Losing touch isn't just not having someone
to grab a coffee with or talk things over; it's losing a part of
yourself that was tied to those memories and moments. It really
hurts.

I think friendships aren't things you can replace as life changes -
they're something you have to protect, something that gives depth
to the everyday. More than ever I now feel how precious they are.

sadly it's taken losing my last one to truly understand that.