| [HN Gopher] Ask HN: How to continue to be gracious about the goo...
___________________________________________________________________
Ask HN: How to continue to be gracious about the good fortune of
rich friends?
I have no money. I do have rich friends who are getting richer and
richer every year. I try to be gracious and happy for their good
fortune. However it makes me depressed and angry and envious. One
friend told me a few days ago his house went up in value $1,000,000
in one year, at which point he sold it. I visited my cousin who is
a fabulous person and has a gorgeous house freshly renovated and
extended and a new pool put it. All around me my peers are
becoming very wealthy. And I'm at the bottom with nothing. I try
to be happy for them and gracious and to listen and enthuse whilst
they tell me of their good fortune or show me around their stunning
houses. And afterwards I feel smashed with depression as I go back
to my shit rental house that I'm ashamed of. Good people, great
friends, and seeing them brings me down. Rich people aren't aware
that their tales of success make people like me feel bad. They
shouldn't have to be aware of that or hold themselves back. As a
good friend I should feel happy for them, and I pretend to, but
inside it makes me feel terrible. If you're commenting on this
thread and offering advice, I encourage you add the context of
whether you are one of those who have money or not.
Author : gfykvfyxgc
Score : 58 points
Date : 2022-01-04 21:22 UTC (1 hours ago)
| deafsquid69 wrote:
| xapata wrote:
| > one of those who have money or not.
|
| Nearly everyone is both poorer than someone and wealthier than
| someone.
|
| > shit rental house
|
| See, you've got a rental house, and it sounds like you don't even
| need roommates to help pay for it!
| topicseed wrote:
| Learn from them. Clearly some of your friends are doing things
| right so try to absorb "knowledge", or even get one to invest in
| an idea of yours perhaps.
|
| Otherwise, find some new friends and stop torturing yourself.
| dijit wrote:
| I find wealth mostly about luck more than any other qualifier.
|
| (well, any other qualifier than being born wealthy, that's the
| greatest predictor of wealth after all.)
| bloodyplonker22 wrote:
| The smart thing to do is not to whine about the cards you
| were dealt, but to make the most of them. Most of us here are
| lucky enough to be born into a non-third world country.
| topicseed wrote:
| You're absolutely right, but then what?
|
| Hope OP can learn from some of his wealthy friends that
| acquired wealth, rather than inherited it. And if they all
| got it from mama and papa, then it is what it is, and OP
| probably should consider finding other friends if these
| current ones depress him.
| diob wrote:
| Exactly, these folks were either in the right place at the
| right time, or got "help". Buying a home at all these days is
| getting harder and harder, I have no doubt OP's rent is
| higher than their mortgages.
| rizkeyz wrote:
| Not OP but I would have an issue with that. I do not want to
| "copy" what is already there, because many things out there are
| just not good. Someone making a million basically doing nothing
| is bad, if most people have to work a few centuries to amass
| that wealth. Inequality is not good, not because everyone is
| equal, but because you are just using an unfair advantage.
|
| I do not want to copy that. I do not want to support this way
| of living.
|
| (Also, I do not think I'm whining. I'm in the top income
| bracket in my country, have some talent and was gifted with
| some brain at birth and healthiness. But, you know, most of
| these things are not my doing - I was lucky many times over,
| and often I see people working 100x harder than me not ending
| up nearly in the same spot. Is that a good society?)
| topicseed wrote:
| We don't know his friends nor how they acquired their wealth,
| so I'd let OP make a distinction between those friend who
| they have stuff to learn from, and those who just were born
| rich and get richer off of that state of having been rich all
| their lives.
| Karupan wrote:
| An honest conversation with them can do a lot. You can explain
| how you are really happy for them, but at the same time feel bad
| about your personal situation. If they really are good friends,
| they will understand. At least you would've gotten it off your
| chest and can take the next best step to maintain your sanity -
| whether that's reducing your interaction with them, or getting
| their help with financial planning.
| wilsonfiifi wrote:
| One advantage of having rich friends is that you have access to
| their network of other rich friends. Find out how you can provide
| a service to that network and make some money out of it. It's
| difficult to gain access to a network of that sort if you aren't
| one of them so you find yourself in an opportune position.
|
| As they say luck is when opportunity meets preparedness. So make
| your own luck.
| detritus wrote:
| Good god, no.
| ntSean wrote:
| I have several multi-millionaire friends; at times I've
| received work from them, and at times it has been a decent
| wage, but when things go sour, you don't just lose a client,
| you lose a friend.
|
| That is to say: taking advantage of their wealthy situation is
| a good way to lose your friendship.
| wnolens wrote:
| > I try to be happy for them and gracious and to listen and
| enthuse whilst they tell me of their good fortune
|
| Just like you don't have to live up to an economic ideal, nor do
| you have to live up to a rational/moral ideal. Maybe just fully
| have the emotions you're having rather than 'trying' not to
| because logic or politeness or whatever.
|
| I'm sorry. Those are difficult feelings to sit with. You really
| do love your friends.
|
| Context: someone with money and lots of loved ones with far less,
| a couple with significantly more. I am angry that my friend has a
| $2M home and two Teslas in the driveway for being at the right
| place/right time. But it's my own desire for more that feeds this
| envy. I almost never go see this friend and all his new gadgets,
| instead would rather pickup burgers and sit on the bed of my much
| closer friend's studio apartment and talk about things one can't
| purchase.
| omarfarooq wrote:
| Go and look at those who have less than you.
| jdavis703 wrote:
| I no longer tell my family about my success, because it begets
| requests for help. And it seems like other more distant family
| just wind up being jealous. It's kind of isolating, because most
| of us want to share our highs and lows with old friends, not new
| friends.
|
| I don't really have any specific advice, except for maybe try to
| be empathetic.
|
| Your friends or family probably have all the exact problems as
| before, except now they can try to use money to fix them. But the
| money might not even work: think of all the celebs you know about
| who still struggle with mental health, drug abuse and family
| problems.
|
| That is to say, understand the money doesn't fix all their
| problems. So in other words enjoy the fancy meals or nice friends
| your friends share with you. But remember there's only one
| dimension of life that's better for them.
| deafsquid69 wrote:
| Mave83 wrote:
| What do they other than you? Ask your self, how can you get your
| own as up to get enough money to be happy? By the way, money
| doesn't exactly equals happiness, it just makes it easier.
| disambiguation wrote:
| This may just be a matter of perspective.
|
| For ex. I don't have any millionaire friends or family, though
| plenty are much more successful than myself.
|
| Millionaires and successful people will exist whether or not
| you're friends with them, but while they're in your circle,
| consider their invitations their way of sharing the wealth?
| Something not everyone has access to. They chose you, they value
| you.
|
| Consider these successful people are also resources. Imagine you
| need help finding a job, networking, potentially even a bailout.
| Seems like a great place to start.
|
| Being happy for others is not an obligation. The only person you
| need to be happy for is yourself. You don't need to subject
| yourself to their flexing, peacocking, or keeping-up-with-the-
| jonses.
|
| That being said, envy is not easy to deal with.
|
| Your friends might be the catalyst, but envy is generally fueled
| by some other underlying insecurity.
|
| ex. you care what other people think of you, you think you'll be
| judged by your wealth.
|
| You'll need to self-reflect on what that is exactly.
| hsbauauvhabzb wrote:
| On the flip side, I wish people were more open and honest with
| their careers - I never knew how much money was in certain career
| paths compared to others. Since then I'm making 5-10x my friends
| and without trying to rub it in am honest (income is great, but
| comes with a pound of flesh).
|
| I want them to know so they can make a conscious decision for
| themselves rather than unknowingly go down a path full of glass
| ceilings.
|
| Edit: and a good influence pushing me into buying property a
| decade earlier certainly would have had massive effects on my
| life too.
|
| Point is leverage your friends' experience and influence, I'm
| sure they have a wealth of knowledge or can help you gain a step
| up (keyword: help, not give you a free ride). Others have said
| 'don't copy' and I agree in some contexts, but my friends
| certainly have business gaps I can fill which are mutually
| beneficial.
| theli0nheart wrote:
| You probably already realize this, but almost by definition, you
| can never be happy with this mindset.
|
| Unless you're the richest person on Earth, there will always be
| someone with more money than you. Likewise, unless you're the
| poorest person on Earth, there will always be someone with less
| money than you.
|
| So, if you find yourself between these two extremes, a change in
| viewpoint is the only thing that can get you out of this funk. I
| have several friends (no joke) who have become billionaires over
| the last few years. I've slipped into periods of jealousy, but
| it's taken some mulling to realize that I only want what I think
| they have. And what is that, exactly? More "stuff"? A bigger
| house? How are _things_ going to really make me feel happy? Fact
| is, they won 't, and they can't.
|
| I can feed myself and my family. I am healthy (now, at least--for
| many years, I was not). I have shelter. I have friends who I care
| about and who care about me. If you have these things, you have
| wealth--or at least enough of it to be happy.
| productceo wrote:
| There are two ways to be rich: to have the things you want and to
| want the things you have. See if you can successfully achieve one
| of these two options.
| [deleted]
| vanusa wrote:
| _Afterwards I feel smashed with depression as I go back to my
| shit rental house that I'm ashamed of._
|
| It may sound like pat advice, but -- maybe you need to start
| looking for new friends.
|
| The kind who wouldn't think twice coming over to your "shit
| rental" (which would probably be considered quite rich, not to
| mention safe and clean in much of the world). Just to hang out
| with _you_ , watch a movie maybe, and share whatever kind of meal
| you're able to whip up on your gas stove.
|
| Life is to short to be spent in situations of any kind where you
| feel uncomfortable in your skin. Even if it's not directly the
| fault of the people you currently hang out with.
|
| But a good rule of thumb is: if you don't feel comfortable
| inviting these people to your home - or even telling them where
| (and in what circumstances) you live -- it's probably best to
| start moving on.
|
| (And perhaps to other countries where the income distribution is
| far less skewed, and people are far less hung up on relative
| wealth and status as they are in the U.S. -- at least for a few
| years or so, to get over the current anxiety you're facing, and
| start to feel human again. But that's a side topic).
| technothrasher wrote:
| > maybe you need to start looking for new friends. The kind who
| wouldn't think twice coming over to your "shit rental"
|
| I think it's more complicated than that. I'm lucky enough at
| this point in my life to have enough money to afford a nice
| house and nice toys, and not worry much about money. I also
| have absolutely zero issue going to hang out with friends who
| have much less than me. I really don't care at all. Some of my
| happiest years were when I was younger and poor. I had just
| barely enough money to make ends meet most of the time, was
| living in a back room of a dirty little house with three other
| roommates, and I was living happy because I liked who I was
| with. I get that money and real worth are two very different
| things and enjoy people for who they are, not where they're at.
|
| But sometimes I can clearly feel the awkwardness coming at me
| when I hang out with people who are significantly less well off
| than I am and they know it. I'm usually not sure how to handle
| it, and typically end up just not hanging out with them much. I
| sometimes also find similar situations hanging out with people
| who have a lot more than I do. With some people it works fine,
| with others I can tell by what they say and how they act that
| they're uncomfortable because of the difference.
| jaytaylor wrote:
| 100% agree with Vanusa.
|
| FWIW, the initial boost of happiness derived from living in
| nice accomodations is shortlived, after a few weeks or a month
| you'll likely feel about the same as before you got the nicer
| digs.
|
| Once I experienced and internalized this lesson, I was able to
| stop caring much about my house (just keep it clean and as
| comfy as possible) and instead focus on the amazing people in
| my life who genuinely care about connecting with me regardless
| of fancy house circumstance. In this way it's actually a highly
| effective filter facilitating minimization of superficial
| relationships.
| randycupertino wrote:
| Having moved from a complete rathole apartment to a rental
| house recently I've come to realize, dammit this is wayyy
| more work to maintain and clean! This freaking sucks!! I want
| to go back to a tiny apartment where I didn't have to spend
| Saturdays cleaning the windows. :P
| thepasswordis wrote:
| >The kind who wouldn't think twice coming over to your "shit
| rental"
|
| Is there any indication that these people _don 't_ want to come
| over to OPs "shit rental"?
| TheMagicHorsey wrote:
| For many years I was the one with no money. Recently, at a rather
| advanced age (late forties) I hit it big with one of my startups.
| I'm now wealthy. So I can give you a perspective from both sides.
|
| First, when I was in my 20s, in the first dotcom bubble, many of
| my friends became ridiculously wealthy. I probably should have
| felt envy, but at that time I was very self absorbed and focused
| on my own projects. Also, I was very naive and thought there was
| not much utility to money beyond 40K to 50K a year. At the time I
| was making 100K a year and felt good enough about it.
|
| However, as the years progressed and I entered my thirties my
| youthful dreams of having a successful software business were
| crushed. I began to see how money liberated my friends from the
| kind of drudgery I was condemned too. This was brought
| particularly into focus on one instance, when a friend of mine
| who was very successful was invited to a tradeshow where I
| happened to be exhibiting on behalf of an employer. My friend
| came to visit me at my humble little booth, and he was followed
| by a literal entourage of hanger-ons. After we had a chat he
| asked me to join him for an after party and told someone in his
| crowd to put me on a list so I could attend. Unfortunately, after
| the exhibit floor closed I was tied up doing manual labor ...
| packing demo hardware, hauling things to storage, etc. I was not
| able to get to the party until around midnight. My friend was
| totally oblivious to my peon duties and just assumed I was at
| some other party. I never told him the truth ... that I was just
| packing boxes ... not at another party. I had a few drinks and
| appetizers with him, but was so exhausted I fell asleep while
| sitting on a sofa near the bar.
|
| The next day, to add insult to injury, I was waiting for a
| shuttle to the airport and my friend had a black car. He took me
| with him and dropped me off at the gate. I did not ask him about
| how he was getting home ... but I think he basically had some
| kind of speedy pass to bypass checkin.
|
| These kinds of things happened from time to time in San Francisco
| ... but it never really bothered me to the point of depression. I
| just felt a bit frustrated that my journey was taking so much
| longer. I had 7 failed startups before I hit it big.
|
| Now let me tell you a few advantages of hitting it big later: 1)
| I did not pick up any gold-digging women in my youth, which
| caused complications for several of my friends. When you get
| rich, you attract many women who are far more attractive than you
| could if you are not rich. Your brain gets hooked on that level
| of attractiveness and you have a sort of hedonic adaptation I
| think. Many of my friends ended up with women that are
| essentially cost centers. They don't provide much value add
| beyond companionship. I was lucky enough to meet a woman when I
| was broke. She basically invested in me, and we got married
| before I hit it big. She makes a large salary on her own and does
| the lion's share of domestic work too. She's also attractive. I
| met her because I was trying to make a living. She's not the kind
| of woman you meet on the party circuit. 2) Similarly with
| friends. All my friends are people I've known for a while. Not
| people that need things from me. I have friends that have hanger
| ons that are not good for them mentally as they validate
| everything they do without critical thinking. It can be
| dangerous. 3) My tastes and expenses are very low as a result of
| decades of cheap living. Although I'm probably about the same
| level of material wealth as my rich friends now, I think I have
| more optionality as I can withstand those 1 in 100 geopolitical
| changes and still have enough to provide for my modest lifestyle
| till death. I have some friends that are one tech/crypto/real
| estate bubble pop away from not being able to maintain their
| jetset lifestyle. There's more misery downgrading your lifestyle
| then joy from upgrading it. Its Hedonic adaptation in action. 4)
| As a result of good fortune I realized the real value of money is
| just the optionality and freedom from stress. Big houses and nice
| cars and stuff give diminishing returns. The irony is, everything
| I have now, I had before. And to be honest, my money sometimes
| adds huge stress to my life. I'm always wondering how to preserve
| it. I'm worried my cash positions are eroding due to inflation.
| I'm worried my stocks will crash due to fed action. I'm worried
| my crypto will go down. I'm worried I'm not invested in
| commodities and oil. I'm worried I didn't buy farm land ... what
| if everything collapses and I have to grow food for my kids.
| Should I buy some property outside the USA in case there's a
| collapse here. All these things were not even options before so I
| didn't worry. Now I worry all the time.
|
| Edit: Your friends should have the sense not to talk about money
| around you when you don't have much. I actually make this error
| myself and need to do better. 90% of the time money and
| belongings are a useless topic.
| Otek wrote:
| I might be an asshole here but I'll just call it: you're jealous
| and you can either stop being jealous or stop being friends with
| them. They can't do anything. There will be always people with
| more money and less money than you, more attractive and ugly
| people around you. If you let it get under your skin, then no
| matter if you have a boat, you'll have a friend with a huge
| yacht. There is no ceiling. Good luck.
| scandox wrote:
| You're not an asshole, but perhaps I am: it's envy - not
| jealousy.
|
| > Envy means discontented longing for someone else's
| advantages. Jealousy means unpleasant suspicion, or
| apprehension of rivalship.
|
| https://www.merriam-webster.com/words-at-play/jealous-vs-env...
| e1g wrote:
| Yep. "Envy" is wanting what they have, "jealousy" is being
| afraid they take what you have.
|
| You are envious when they get a shiny car, and jealous when
| they flirt with your partner.
| geocrasher wrote:
| Envy goes a step further. See, Jealousy is wanting the same
| things somebody else has. Envy means that you'd take it
| _from them_ if that meant you could have it. It means you
| 'd deprive them of it to your own benefit.
| Otek wrote:
| I think you should read before you are sending something,
| first paragraph from your link:
|
| > [...] historical usage shows that both mean "covetous" and
| are interchangeable when describing desiring someone else's
| possessions.
|
| Maybe that's why your friends have more money than you /s
| jll29 wrote:
| 1. Don't define yourself by your home or other posessions, define
| yourself by your values e.g. how you help others.
|
| 2. You did not elaborate in your post what is the reason for your
| own situation, but having a rental home implies you still have a
| bank account with a positive balance, even a regular income, so
| this is is not really "bottom"; and I hope for you that you will
| never know what "real bottom" means.
|
| 3. Rene Girard's main concept is "mimetic theory," which states
| that most of human behavior is based upon imitation. The
| imitation of desires leads to conflict, and when a buildup of
| conflict threatens to destroy all involved, they use a scapegoat
| to return to balance. Girard is a philosopher that Peter Thiel
| and some others have been much influenced by. Reading your post
| reminded me about his theory how people start to fight (like the
| biblical brothers Cain & Abel) once they start to compare
| themselves to one another and envy emerges.
|
| 4. So ask yourself: before seeing those successful
| friends/relatives, did you feel good about yourself? Do you have
| friends that if you had any kind of trouble, would stand by your
| side? Do you have a loving partner/family? Is there something
| that you like about your home, perhaps a property that made you
| decide to rent that one over others at the time? Using such
| questions you may overcome the habit of comparing purely
| materialistic matters.
|
| 5. I own a house, but I live in a crappy rental home which is
| walking distance to my work instead. If it helps you, I know some
| very wealthy people that I would never want to change with. Some
| have become materialistic, others have become afraid for their
| safety, and others still have started buying ugly things just to
| show of status and wealth (pitty for them). I also have some
| relatives in the U.S. that went from "poor" to "millionaire" via
| a combination of hard work and luck and then back to "poor" due
| to bad investment advice. Nobody has ever taken $1 to where they
| go after they die!
| 71a54xd wrote:
| I'm 27 and make a pittance compared to most of my friends who
| work in finance or have FAANG jobs. Does it sort of suck, yeah.
| But at the same time I can afford to live in New York and know at
| what point I'm going to call it. If in three years I don't have
| my own place in the city, I'm going to move somewhere in the
| midwest and just start enjoying who I am. Sometimes I feel like I
| look backwards in my life to find reasons why where I am now is
| great considering where I came from, but then I realize how scary
| it is to see people who become complacent and stop improving.
| That said, if I'm simply unable to achieve great financial
| success I'm not going to keep deluding myself through my
| thirties.
|
| At this stage in my life I'm glad to have successful friends who
| seem to respect what I have to say and encourage me to work hard
| and continue moving forward.
|
| Some others have said it, but life is too short to spend it
| around people who make you feel like shit and don't realize
| they're doing it. Nice people can be shitty people - life is too
| short to spend it around people like that.
| endisneigh wrote:
| I suppose I have money, but it's all relative.
|
| I suppose I'm on the opposite end of you, and I overcompensate by
| never inviting people to my house. I go to other people's houses,
| including and especially those with "shit rentals".
|
| I find myself somewhat guilty of my own lavishness (even though
| really it's not that lavish).
|
| I don't really have advice, other than to say that if they're
| your friends you should actually just tell them it makes you
| ashamed and see their response. You don't want their pity
| necessarily, but I think it's important that your friends know
| how you feel.
| Otek wrote:
| I don't think this is a good advice. Let's think about possible
| outcome. I think OP's friends will be sorry for his situation
| but they can't do anything about it. They might even not invite
| him to more fancy events to avoid uncomfortable situations but
| that's not what he's looking for. What do you think they can do
| when he'll tell them about his feeling?
| xboxnolifes wrote:
| > What do you think they can do when he'll tell them about
| his feeling?
|
| Talk about it so they can understand each other? You don't
| just drop the one-liner and hope they change their ways
| accordingly. Hell, they don't need to change at all. Just
| talking about it could cause OP to realize his friends don't
| care about that sort of thing and reduce or rid of their
| feeling of shame.
|
| Some people can be okay not talking about how they feel;
| however, OP is clearly not currently okay, so doing
| _something_ is the only way something will change. If OP
| cannot change their own feelings theirself, OP can either get
| different friends or try to talk to their current friends.
| And if you are willing to get different friends, you may as
| well try to talk to your current ones first.
|
| > If you're commenting on this thread and offering advice, I
| encourage you add the context of whether you are one of those
| who have money or not.
|
| And since OP asked, I'm too young to have accumulated wealth
| to be jealous of, but I feel comfortable with my current job
| and am optimistic of my future.
| endisneigh wrote:
| I don't know - if the OP was my friend I'd want to know so I
| could reassure them.
|
| More practically speaking we could meet somewhere else where
| they could feel more comfortable. Isn't that the whole point
| of friendship?
| waffle_maniac wrote:
| It's more about the kinds of conversations my friends and I are
| having. I have a rich friend and I actually helped them become
| more rich. And I felt damn good about it.
| sosuke wrote:
| I think that might be part of the difference. OP sounds like
| they are talking about acquaintances. You're always happy for a
| friend's success. They don't take away from you. Helping them
| does feel good.
| throwaway4good wrote:
| Many years ago I came across this YouTube video which I thought
| was amazing:
|
| https://youtu.be/MDej3riTOS4
|
| How to become rich immediately by lorax2013
| drenvuk wrote:
| All I hear from you is whining, from the first sentence to the
| very last.
|
| Either suck it up and utilize your anger and envy as impetus for
| changing your situation into one that you're satisfied with,
| detach your own self worth from that of your friends or continue
| to be a baby and keep crying in your slum.
|
| my mother came from a family of cotton pickers, I got a leg up
| and my children will be getting an even bigger leg up.
|
| This might seem unnecessarily harsh but crying will get you
| nowhere.
| sosuke wrote:
| Dammit it sucks I can't just bitch and whine my way into FU
| money right? But then we get up, pull our pants on and get to
| work.
|
| I have envy problems with what I perceive to be lucky rich
| folks. But that is all just in my own head. If I'm thinking
| about that then I'm not focused on my own path and will wallow
| in my own mess.
| ActorNightly wrote:
| First consider who you call "friend". Are those people willing to
| help you out if you are down, or are those people just there for
| the fun time when you are socializing?
|
| In general, people who are truly your friends and value you
| should be very open to the idea of you coming to them for help
| and asking how you can get ahead in your own life. A lot of
| success is just knowing how to play the game and which moves to
| make, as well as people connections. Most of the rich people that
| I know are there because someone else essentially gave them the
| path to take, and they just made the right steps.
|
| If they are not willing to do this, then you honestly will
| probably be better off finding a new circle of friends.
| gfykvfyxgc wrote:
| Yes all my friends are good friends, often for more than 30
| years. Kind people who care and value our friendship. It just
| happens that they're now becoming very wealthy - its made none
| of them less kind or good people.
|
| The only possible thing they could be said to do "wrong" is not
| hide their good fortune, nor understand that telling me they
| just made $1,000,000 makes me feel bad, not welcoming me into
| their homes.
| ipaddr wrote:
| Use your envy for good. Find out how they made money and copy.
| Get insight into another world and use it to make your life
| better.
| candiddevmike wrote:
| It's hard to duplicate luck.
| adventured wrote:
| The majority of wealthy people get there by starting small
| businesses or slowly piling up investments via a consistently
| high income such that they have a surplus of capital coming
| in regularly (eg dentist, accountant, doctor, real-estate
| agent, software developer, psychologist, nurse practitioner,
| pharmacist, veterinarian, lawyer, and dozens of other higher
| paying careers).
|
| Those aren't primarily luck, even though it obviously plays a
| role in every path.
| vitro wrote:
| Or rich parents who care and have time for you. Always
| reminds me of the comic [1] On a plate by Toby Morris.
|
| [1] https://digitalsynopsis.com/inspiration/privileged-kids-
| on-a...
| robbintt wrote:
| Unfortunately this is not really specific advice. I was
| recently talking to a friend who wants to be a specialist
| nurse. There is no road to working as a specialist nurse for
| FAANG sized salaries.
|
| The buying power of the middle class in the USA has been
| wrecked.
|
| If Picketty (Capital in the 21st Century) is right then we will
| have a level of wealth inequality close to the french
| revolution in 9 years.
|
| Maybe we should be looking at institutional class labor (nurse,
| teacher, doctor, accountant) purchasing power as a better
| indicator.
| adventured wrote:
| > Rich people aren't aware that their tales of success make
| people like me feel bad.
|
| It's that most people aren't very aware of their surroundings.
| Ultimately it's a choice whether one trains one's self to be
| aware or not. It has nothing to do with rich or poor. You see
| them, standing in the middle of the grocery aisle blocking the
| way, oblivious to the existence of other people - and a thousand
| other similar scenarios. The same goes for being emotionally
| aware of other people and context related to them.
|
| It sounds like the only thing your friends can do pro-actively is
| abandon you as a friend, stop hanging out with you, stop inviting
| you around. What else could they do given that you get angry and
| envious around them, and that's obviously not their fault. I'd
| suggest you have to correct that mental mistake or it's
| guaranteed those friendships won't last much longer.
|
| Alternatively, instead of swimming in negative emotions, learn
| from your friends. So many of them are becoming rich, if that's
| what you want then see about learning from their accomplishments.
| Turn your time around them into a learning experience instead of
| a depressive torture. Turn that negative into a productive
| positive. If they care about you, they'll want to see you be
| successful as well.
| bfung wrote:
| I'd also suggest that some therapy session for yourself seems to
| be in order.
|
| The unsaid things sound like on the lines of "they had good
| fortune, but why don't I have it".
|
| Hard questions, probably not fit to be answered over a text
| forum:
|
| If they are your friends, why do you feel bad when your friends
| have a happy event?
|
| Are they really not your friends but there's some other type of
| relationship there?
|
| Do they make you unhappy because of their actions or are you
| unhappy with your own situation to begin with and comparing it to
| their situation? If it's the latter, what can you do to improve
| your situation?
|
| Hope some self reflecting questions help.
| pianoben wrote:
| In a word, therapy.
| gizmo wrote:
| You have every right to be annoyed that you're stuck at the
| bottom, because losing sucks. Maybe it helps to remember the good
| things you have in your life (health/relationships). Also the
| tides can turn quickly. You might catch a lucky break or two. In
| 10 years who knows what your life will be like.
| [deleted]
| SubuSS wrote:
| What would you do if your friends slowly went to the other side
| of the political spectrum?
|
| IMO - your reaction here would be very similar. May be you (and
| your friends) will have the ability to peacefully coexist OR you
| split up. It is harsh - but the friends who have remained from my
| poorer times are the ones who are able to be happy with the ups
| and downs. Some were lost along the way. I have tried and helped
| some as well - but that again requires a mindset that will allow
| you to take or give without issues. I will probably hire friends
| as well in the future - but probably only the ones who can handle
| it (am assuming I can) will last I guess. C'est la vie.
|
| The tough part is - as you diverge in wealth in either direction,
| your focus and problems change with it. It is easy to think rich
| people have no problems - but in reality they have rich people
| problems. They do want to discuss these. They do want to enjoy
| their new found wealth with others. Sometimes it is just not
| possible to keep an open mind through all these - so we move on.
| randycupertino wrote:
| I worked in wealth management and LIVED the hedonistic treadmill
| firsthand.
|
| Everyone was jealous of the next level up. I was making 300k and
| my high school hometown friends were like "holy cow, you're so
| lucky this is amazing, you have your own apartment" meanwhile I
| was annoyed I couldn't keep up financially with my trust fund
| boyfriend who had $3 million a year to piss away with random
| trips to Bermuda. My CFO was jealous of the Principal who could
| take netjets and didn't have to fly first class everywhere. The
| NetJets guy was jealous of the billionaire principal who had his
| own jet. That billionaire was jealous of the main money dude who
| had family money inherited from the crusades. They all fought
| with their wives over private school tuition and horses. Everyone
| drank, did tons of drugs, had dramatic affairs and fought like
| cats and dogs with their families.
|
| I left finance and went into healthcare and realized I'm pretty
| damn happy living a simple life. I kept a $1500 belt I bought
| from Henry Bendels that's incredibly ugly as a reminder of dumb
| decisions and having too much money to piss away on stupid crap!
|
| Read Blood Diamonds: Tracing the Deadly Path of the World's Most
| Precious Stones Book by Greg Campbell. Reading that made me
| realize how our planet has finite resources and I just I wanted
| to cleave the my own consumption habits so stopped needless
| shopping for "fun" and started being a stubborn bastard about
| driving my 12 year old Hyundai into the ground. It's not much but
| it's my own private rebellion against the gaping maw of endless
| consumerism.
|
| Worship your family, friends, love ones, health, music, doing
| things that make you feel alive, shared experiences and nature
| over shiny toys and stuff that just sits around collecting dust
| and looking pretty.
|
| At the end of the day, we're all the same food for worms anyways
| no matter our net worth. Enjoy your friendships, realize they
| probably have their own internal struggles and problems they're
| dealing with and try to be there for them in whatever way you
| can!
| abledon wrote:
| Love it!
|
| If I could 'buy'(how ironic lol) your experience noted here I
| would, it seems like hard-engrained 'learned' knowledge that is
| hard to get through just reading.
| cblconfederate wrote:
| You shouldn't be happy for their possessions, the world isnt a
| zero-sum game but it isn't infinite sum either; you may feel that
| it's unfair that they made large sums of money easily and you may
| be right. Try to use it as a motivator, and don't stroke their
| ego - it's not necessary for either of you.
| birtoise wrote:
| TedShiller wrote:
| I was told that there's a secret that only rich people know, and
| that's that money does not make you happy. I'm excluding things
| like being homeless or not being able to eat, obviously there's a
| necessary amount anyone needs to feel good. But beyond that it
| doesn't change things. Otherwise, rich, famous, successful people
| would never be depressed, but a lot of them are.
| carabiner wrote:
| I have to be blunt here; this is plutocrat propaganda. Yes,
| being rich doesn't guarantee happiness. It doesn't spare you
| from (all) illness (though it STRONGLY improves your healthcare
| odds in the US) or the trauma of a messy divorce. But being
| rich is enormously better than experiencing all of life's ills
| while being poor. If the advantages of wealth did not outweigh
| the disadvantages, we would see the wealthy abandoning their
| wealth en masse. Clearly they are not.
|
| The purpose of the "money isn't everything" mantra is to
| engender a servant class to preserve the wealth of our rulers.
| TedShiller wrote:
| No question it's better to be wealthy than poor.
|
| Most people here are talking about being rich vs just being
| normal.
|
| Put another way, there's a HUGE difference between not having
| enough and having enough. There's almost no difference
| between having enough and having more than enough. You can
| play this out with anything: money, food, free time, etc
| carabiner wrote:
| Normal among millennials is being poor. Six-figure debt
| while working an hourly job with zero savings.
| TedShiller wrote:
| I don't think six figure debt is normal. It also depends
| on where the debt is from. Is it something they had to do
| (borrow money for food and rent) or elected to do (borrow
| money for low income degree)?
| uberduper wrote:
| This is not normal. This is a vocal, and somewhat
| obnoxious, minority of millennials.
| TedShiller wrote:
| Most millennials are hardworking and responsible. A very
| vocal minority are not.
| shukantpal wrote:
| Regardless of that statement's truthiness, that's very
| much irrelevant for the OP. Nowhere did they say they
| were broke.
| xvedejas wrote:
| Hourly job with zero savings, sure. But is six-figure
| debt really common? I can find that the mean indebtedness
| is five figures, surely the median (amongst those without
| mortgages) is much less than that?
| yellowcake0 wrote:
| Normal is still pretty shitty when compared to being a
| member of the aristocratic leisure class. Of course there
| are diminishing returns to the happiness value of money,
| but it's a hell of a lot higher than being a normal middle
| class American.
| TedShiller wrote:
| Imagine if a member of this super rich aristocratic class
| has depression. That must be hopeless.
| silisili wrote:
| I'm not sure it's all propaganda. Of course having money is
| better than having no money, and makes one happier. But that
| likely tops out at some point. One famous study said 75k,
| another disputed that.
|
| There's a lot of 'hidden' costs too. Of course I'd be happier
| with an extra couple million dollars today - I could travel
| and retire! But not if I had to give up 18/hr a day for the
| next 5 years to get there.
| fdgsdfogijq wrote:
| Completely false. I know a ton of rich people, and their lives
| are so much better after coming into money. This is literally
| the biggest lie ever told. The possibilities in life go way up
| with money, you are no longer bogged down by a 9 to 5 job, you
| can really develop yourself in ways that may take decades to
| realize
| madaxe_again wrote:
| It doesn't bring happiness, no, but not having to particularly
| worry about what things cost, or whether you can afford an
| unexpected expense makes a huge difference to quality of life.
| I started broke - unable to pay rent, eating bulk rice with
| stolen ketchup, defaulting on medical debts - and damn did it
| suck. Now it's just "pay the money, move on, forget about it".
| I also extend this to friends when I see they are facing a
| steamroller, as I haven't forgotten the sleepless nights, and
| nor have my stumps of teeth. I don't do debts, just a hope that
| if and when I find myself against the wall, they'll be there
| for me in whatever measure they can muster.
|
| It hasn't brought happiness, but it has removed one huge
| element of worry from my existence.
|
| I'm still depressed, but that's independent of any external
| factors, and I've grown to not mind it - being depressed is
| nowhere near as bad when you have a comfort blanket of cash.
| GoodJokes wrote:
| mysterydip wrote:
| Your value as a person isn't in wealth. Maybe catalog what you
| have and see how fortunate you actually are? You may be further
| from the bottom than you think.
| ntSean wrote:
| Culturally, your value as a person is correlated to wealth.
| Society is structured to be more difficult for those who don't
| have high paying jobs, material goods or stable housing / real
| estate.
|
| A glass half-full approach doesn't resolve wealth inequality.
| greatpostman wrote:
| Other side of this, the last few years I made an absurd amount of
| money. It put huge strain on friends who weren't so career
| focused, such that some of those long time friendships ended. I'm
| not sure whose fault it was, maybe my own for flaunting it so
| much. Either way, nothing wrong with putting some distance
| between you and them a bit while you grapple with this feeling.
| It might do a lot to preserve the friendship. You can even voice
| your concern, but just remember most feelings like this are short
| term, so don't make any long term decisions based on them
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