|
Aitah for telling my wife she’s just as racist as her parents
I 53 M am white. My wife of 30 years Naomi is Japanese. We have three
kids. This story focuses on my oldest son Kyle 28.
When Kyle first got to college he began dating a Japanese girl and when
he introduced her to my wife, Naomi loved her. They didn't end up
working out. But for the past three years, my son has been seeing Dani,
a black girl.
My son was in medical school across the country and he ended up meeting
Dani because they both were volunteers at a soup kitchen. I remember the
first time he sent a picture of her, my wife immediately didn't like
her. I'm going to try to phrase this without sounding ignorant myself.
But she looks like the urban black girl most think of when African
American women. She has the big hoop earrings, the long nails, the long
eye lashes. I think she looks stunning, but I've never been in a
situation where I was involved in African American culture.
Recently my son moved back to our city for residency and Dani moved with
him and started law school. They were staying in a Air bnb, while
looking for a place and this week they finally found one. So they
invited us over for dinner.
Dani cooked soul food and this stuff was amazing. I complemented her
food and my wife gave me the side eye. Naomi then pulled out her phone
and asked Dani why does she dress like that and why was she twerking in
public. Kyle asked his mom what her problem was, I then took the phone
to scroll through Dani's instagram. And while she did have some videos
of her having fun, she also had plenty of pictures of her a academic
achievements.
Before Dani could answer I told my wife Dani is young and having fun. I
asked did she see that Dani graduated Cum laude or all the times she
volunteered. My wife looked angry that I would bring that up. Naomi then
said that she thinks that Dani isn't good enough for our son.
Dani then asked why Naomi loved Kyle's ex so much. She didn't graduate
with honors, she has many different boys that she posted on social
media. Dani then said it's evident the reason Naomi doesn't like her is
because of her race. Naomi doubled down and said so what. I've never
heard Kyle even disrespect his mother but he told her to get the fuck
out. Naomi left crying.
In the car on the ride home I asked her what was her problem. She asked
why didn't I defend her. I said because she was being a racist and a
hypocrite and she's acting just like her parents. Her parents didn't
like me because I was white.
She just said it's different and was just silent on the way home. And
when we got to the house she locked herself in the room and started
crying.
I can't feel bad for her because if someone disrespected my wife the way
she disrespected Dani I would have absolutely did the same exact thing
Kyle did. But Aita because I was also harsh towards her in this
situation.
########################################################################
|u/Extra-Visit-8385 - 10 hours
|
|NTA. I am mixed race (part Japanese). Racism is real and intense in
|Japanese American culture.
|u/jutrmybe - 7 hours
|
|I've written about this before. My friends are half Japanese and half
|korean. Their Japanese grandparents ignore them and act like they
|dont exist. They say it is hard to 'recognize' them. They just 'look'
|different. Their korean grandparents are accepting, but from what I
|understand, its the youth in korea today that act like my friends'
|japanese grandparents. Really hard for them to find acceptance in
|those cultures when their heritage is known
|u/DiasporicTexan - 5 hours
|
|I’m an education researcher in Korea, and it’s interesting when you
|talk to Korean or Japanese people about the ethnic connection
|between the people of Japan and Korean. The genome sequence of
|modern Japanese and the migration patterns of the early East Asian
|populations link the Japanese directly to the Jomon genome. The
|most plausible genetic and migration link of the Japanese( an
|island nation ), is through the Korean Peninsula to northern parts
|of Kyushu around 3 kya. Now, of course after thousands of years,
|culture and isolation changes people and physical attributes. But
|just the idea that genetically, the Japanese are descended from
|what is now modern day Korea, is hard for either group to accept.
|But much more so, the Japanese academics who I’ve talked to about
|this topic. They’d rather side with the outdated idea that they are
|from a northern migration pattern out of present day Russia, than
|to accept the position that the Jomon were fishermen in a part of
|Korea that you can literally see Tsushima on a clear day.
|u/jutrmybe - 5 hours
|
|girl tell me about it. I also come from a culture on one side of
|my family where we hate our closest genetic relatives on this
|earth too, and many love to fantasize that somehow they came from
|europe. At least we are not alone in that regard lol. Biggly
|boggly self hatey messes that humanity has created for itself.
|Delusion is all it is at its core. Well, equal parts delusion and
|racism.
|u/h_witko - 5 hours
|
|I'm sorry you have to deal with that, but 'biggly boggly self
|hatey' is a completely fantastic phrase!
|u/recursion8 - 4 hours
|
|[The Narcissism of Small Differences](https://en.wikipedia.or
|g/wiki/Narcissism_of_small_differences) if you want a more
|scholarly term ;)
|u/Matt_Wwood - 3 hours
|
|Big plus one on that. Laughed out loud.
|u/its - 5 hours
|
|Usually the worst ethnic conflicts are between people that are
|closest genetically. It kind of makes sense. You usually hate the
|tribe over the hill, not the people living on the other side of
|the earth.
|u/Far-Tap6478 - 4 hours
|
|I think certain events from WW2 also contribute to this hatred
|u/its - 4 hours
|
|It probably doesn’t help that Japanese seem to like to
|periodically invade Korea.
|u/bongi_umma - 3 hours
|
|💯
|u/Far-Tap6478 - 3 hours
|
|Exactly
|u/weaselworms - 3 hours
|
|Oh. My grandfather is 100% Native American to our tribe. Makes
|me a quarter. I’m completely white to my native community.
|Native everything since birth. Doesn’t matter.
|u/HollowShel - 2 hours
|
|There's a webcomic I love that I like to quote: "Oh, a really
|good war - you don't want to waste it on strangers."
|u/dreedweird - 2 hours
|
|Sibling rivalry, that’s my comparison.
|u/twyt83 - 2 hours
|
|It was shocking for me to see so much hate for Polish people in
|the UK during Brexit. Like, we have racism about skin tone in
|the US, but in Europe, white people hate white people and they
|can tell where they're from! I can't imagine if cheek bones are
|a deal breaker, they must hate skin tone even more. That's a
|whole other level of racism.
|u/Scourge165 - 4 hours
|
|I mean...there's a ton of VERY ugly history between Japan and
|Korea, primarily WWII. But whereas the German Government and
|people have very strongly addressed their history and don't hide
|from it, it's more common in Japan to...dispute or argue the
|veracity of the accusations from WWII. My Cousin married a
|Japanese woman. She's great, but she will say the Rape of Nanking
|is propaganda, unit 531 is a myth, and Her interpretation of
|history may be flawedit's mostly a lie to justify America's
|bombing of Japan. I've said there are VERY strong arguments
|to be made that it was not necessary. I don't believe it was. I
|believe it was 5 of the top 6 Military personnel under Truman
|said they didn't need to(Japan surrendered after the 2nd
|bomb...but that was also the day the Soviets declared War I
|believe). Eisenhower was the most outspoken critic of the bombs.
|Anyway...she can't give an inch and even recognize...Maybe her
|interpretation of history is flawed, which is my point. So I
|don't think she'd listen much to the 'well, you know, you're
|basically Korean,' debate!
|u/sakura-peachy - 2 hours
|
|Quite the opposite in China. Lots of young Chinese still
|dislike Japan because of what they did in WW2. They are taught
|it in school. I think modern attitudes in Japan are actually
|the Americans fault. They didn't push Japan to do the de-
|Nazification that they forced on Germany.
|u/Box_O_Donguses - 2 hours
|
|Not much consolation, but America never actually
|deconfederated either, it mostly the rest of Europe pushing
|the denazification of Germany. In the Pacific the US was
|mostly left to it's own devices and the results are clear
|imo.
|u/eienOwO - 1 hour
|
|Grant tried to push for reintergration through
|Reconstruction, as did a slew of Republican presidents
|before party reversals. It was the racist Woodrow Wilson
|that gave credence to the "Lost Cause" lie. The US had
|other strategic partners in Europe to not need to
|mollycoddle Germany. In Asia it coincided with the rise of
|Communism, and as an extension of the Marshall Plan the US
|pardoned war criminals and allowed the political system
|that supported WWII to remain in place in order to not
|create a power vacuum and let communism in. The world
|could've turned out in so many different ways. The US
|actually sent the Dixie Mission to evaluate a liaison with
|communist China, and came to the conclusion they were
|potentially more effective partners because they were far
|less corrupt in comparison to the KMT. Marshall who the
|Plan was named after actively sought to negotiate peace
|between the CCP and KMT. But Roosevelt was pushed to
|partisan extremes on this issue partly by that original
|disinformation grifter, McCarthy, and American hostility
|effectively pushed China into the embrace of the USSR,
|causing Japan to retain its political dynasties that today
|can still trace back to war crinimals. Saying truth is
|buried by the victors of war often is conspiratorial and
|apologist, but in this case the truth of Japan's horrors
|were buried by the perceived priorities of smooching up
|Japan as an ally in the Cold War.
|u/KnockturnalNOR - 5 hours
|
|Their languages also both have this unusual fluent word order
|that is practically identical between the two languages and found
|nowhere else. You can for the most part translate one into the
|other word for word without shuffling stuff around, at least for
|simpler sentences. Yet they will swear up and down both languages
|independently popped into existence from thin air
|u/Shiva- - 4 hours
|
|I think this happens in a lot of parts of the world. The one
|that hits home for me is how Pakistani, Indians and Bangladeshi
|all treat other. And it's not just the fact there are a lot of
|living memories of pre-partion/British-India... it's more there
|was a lot of migration! Lots of people left Pakistan for India
|and vice-versa. And now they're different.
|u/Careless-Mammoth-944 - 2 hours
|
|As an Indian whose grandparents crossed over from Pakistan, I
|can happily tell you racism has nothing to do with it but super
|recent history.
|u/Pure-Introduction493 - 4 hours
|
|Now I want to go study genetics and migration patterns in East
|Asia. There are a lot of interesting questions, but I never
|thought about “where did the Japanese arrive from.”
|u/TheShlappening - 2 hours
|
|My Wife is half Korean Half White, her Korean side of the family
|hates her. They spent her life ignoring her and when her mom killed
|herself they finally spoke to her.. To tell her it's all her fault
|and treat her like shit.
|u/doodicussonofdood - 6 hours
|
|Idk why that made me think of the story for Yakuza 2. One of my
|favorite games ever made because of the weird zany nonsense in the
|game and all but the story essentially does devolve at one point
|into "there are Koreans, and even worse. There could be a secret
|Korean in this very room!" I'm not gonna pretend like I fully
|understand the culture, stuff is weird.
|u/Western_Secretary284 - 6 hours
|
|You'd think it would be the other way around, given the horrible
|crimes the Japanese committed against Korea.
|u/jutrmybe - 6 hours
|
|Historically, it makes complete sense. Ties in with the 10 steps
|of genocide and other dehumanizing methods we have seen
|throughout history. I dont need to leave 7 paragraphs, but think
|of the rationalization as something akin to the narcissist's
|prayer. It is the marginalized/genocided demographic's fault
|anyway, so fuck them and their dirty blood/dark skin/different
|language/different religion/\[insert reason here\]. They deserved
|it and how dare they complain about it, although we will deny we
|did it but still blame them for it if they do complain. It is the
|same as classic american racism. Doesnt really make sense, but it
|is believed and practiced as ardently as islam in iran. e: typos
|>**A Narcissist's Prayer** That didn't happen. And if it did,
|it wasn't that bad. And if it was, that's not a big deal. And
|if it is, that's not my fault. And if it was, I didn't mean it.
|And if I did... You deserved it.
|u/Yorha_with_a_Pearl - 2 hours
|
|Fuck I guess I’m just lucky. My Japanese grandparents are pretty
|chill. They are too rich and eccentric to care about my father
|being Nigerian/black.
|u/maappa - 3 hours
|
|My understanding is that the Japanese are traditionally very racist
|towards non-Japanese
|u/Crush-N-It - 3 hours
|
|Asian racism against other Asian is profound. Japanese and Koreans
|think they’re on top of the social/civilization order. They look
|down on Chinese. After the Chinese it’s the Viets, Thai, then
|Laotian and Cambodians, forget Burma. They don’t consider
|Indonesians Asian. It’s a cultural thing but also because the
|hierarchy is a geographical southern direction, the darker you are
|the ore they disrespect you. And every country will proudly agree
|with you
|u/Usernotavailable666 - 5 hours
|
|Yea it’s honestly so disheartening. I’m mixed as well and my Japanese
|grandparents used to casually make comments about how it’s
|disappointing that my mom married my dad, every single time me or my
|siblings visited them. They were extremely hostile and aggressive
|towards my dad even though he was nice to them at every given
|opportunity all because he is white. Eventually we stopped going
|altogether because we never felt welcome there and my mom would
|always argue with them on behalf of my dad. We haven’t talked or seen
|them in years because of this. My mom completely cut them off and so
|did we. They never came around and still stay with that disgustingly
|racist mindset. I just can’t understand how people can hate someone
|based off of their skin color or ethnicity. OP is NTA at all.
|u/garyandkathi - 3 hours
|
|I’ve never been able to understand it - not from a very young age.
|I also believe in reincarnation and think we’ve all been every race
|and both genders so it makes racism all the more ridiculous in my
|mind.
|u/OriginalButtPolice - 6 hours
|
|Not just in Japanese American culture, in Japanese culture it is
|prevalent too. Which is sad.
|u/AnAussiebum - 2 hours
|
|Which is really concerning because the only short term solution to
|Japan's huge birthrate issue is going to be immigration. But it's
|an ethnostate with significant culture and language barriers to
|most global immigrants, and while the populace is polite and
|welcoming of tourists in general, very racist in practice to actual
|immigrants. For example - they are allowed to bar foreigners from
|their businesses or even refuse to rent to foreigners. They also
|are allowed to not hire foreigners for work, and that's not really
|considered discrimination. Try doing that in western nations and
|you have a lawsuit on your hands. Japan needs to really think
|about what they plan to do over the next couple of decades and make
|changes now. Because an aging population is leading to HUGE public
|debt, shrinking population and defence forces recruitment issues.
|Working on changing their work culture and making it easier for
|immigration should be top priority. But the barriers to Japanese
|youth starting families and immigrants going to Japan (especially
|low skilled), are just so culturally ingrained it appears near
|hopeless.
|u/R_Schuhart - 1 hour
|
|Westerners (and Americans in particular) often fetishize Japan or
|think it is some utopia. And it is a beautiful country with a lot
|of good things going for it, but living there or even visiting as
|an outsider isn't always fun. Racism is typically the views and
|attitude of an individual. In Japan however racism is cultural and
|an accepted part of society. They will collectively isolate,
|exclude and often mistreat anyone not Japanese. It is so ingrained
|you will feel like it isnt one or two people who don't like you, it
|is the entire community. Even if you live there you will always be
|an outsider and never be completely accepted. Even the most
|liberal Japanse people think it is totally normal and have the
|weirdest rationalisations for it.
|u/Prize-Watch-2257 - 6 hours
|
|My brother, it's real and intense in Japanese culture.
|u/Pure-Introduction493 - 4 hours
|
|Many Asian and Asian American families. My unlace married a Korean
|woman, and he half jokes about it, but knows that his wife would
|disown their kid if their kid married a black person. You can tell it
|really bothers my uncle so he uses humor to deflect. My aunt is
|lovely to my wife who is black, but her kid doing the same thing is
|just a bridge too far for her to accept.
|u/Dpap20 - 3 hours
|
|I had a half Japanese girlfriend in high school raised by paternal
|grandparents (Irish). I never met her mother, but as I understand
|it, she only referred to me as Gaijin. Just like the one that
|knocked her up, I suppose. She had problems.
|u/the-c4rtman - 3 hours
|
|Me too hijacking for my long explanation. So I know my post will
|get buried but here's my perspective as a mixed japanese American. My
|grandma is japanese from Japan my mom was born there and they left
|around when she was 4, grandpa was white, my dad is also white. My
|grandmother is very racist towards blacks and south east Asians. Mind
|you my grandma is 96, old school japanese are very racist. I love my
|grandma but she would possibly disown me over something like this. It
|wouldn't change my behavior and doesn't make it ok but my guess would
|be these values were passed on to your wife. I lived in Japan for
|3ish years, its very accepted to be racist in japan. If you do see
|this can you tell me is your wife from Japan or japanese american, if
|I had to guess she's from Japan.
|u/Helpful-Archer-6625 - 2 hours
|
|Just because it's common, doesn't mean it's right. It doesn't matter
|if it's how you grew up, it doesn't matter if it's how you were
|raised or how you were taught to be. You can grow a backbone and
|think for yourself at any point in your life, even as a 6 year old
|with racist parents and grandparents and aunt and uncles, you can
|still choose to not be racist. If you're racist because of any
|reason above, you're also a coward. You're scared to stand up for
|others, but more accurately you're scared to stand up for yourself.
|You don't need an excuse to be a PoS. "Tradition" and "It was how
|they were raised" are excuses and nobody buys them. You know why? How
|is it that there can be gay people dying of old age in their 80s and
|90s, but your 60 year old mother in law, father, aunt, or uncle are
|somehow only racist because "that's how it was when they were young"?
|Really? Your wife 'Naomi' is a racist asshole. It's not different,
|and she's not special. If you speak down to someone because of their
|race, you are being racist. That means that there can be racism
|towards anyone, not just people that aren't white too. OP seems to
|have experienced that as it sounds like 'Naomi's' racist ass parents
|had some shit to say. Do the world a favor and say that racist shit
|with your chest so we know who to avoid and who to call out. Nobody
|is hurt by your bullshit rhetoric, because the minute that stupid
|shit leaves your mouth, you are immediately devalued be everyone
|around you, and any that agree are themselves immediately devalued.
|How can someone's words hurt you when they themselves mean nothing?
|How would you react to being called a bitch by Hitler? It wouldn't
|really matter would it? It's like being called a jerk by the
|villain; it's a good thing for bad people to dislike you, it means
|you're doing the good thing in that situation.
|u/PickleNotaBigDill - 1 hour
|
|Racism is the f-ing worst. I married a racist, but didn't know
|because we were young at the time (16, me, 19 him) and we grew up
|in a small rural town where racism wasn't evident--all white, until
|my daughter (20 at the time) was seeing a black guy. I hated being
|married to a racist, so I did the only thing I could and divorced
|him.
|u/Double_Philosophy_42 - 3 hours
|
|I'm white and was engaged to a Japanese women up until almost 6 years
|ago. Her dad was so nice to me on Skype calls but behind the scenes
|he made so much drama and my fiance sided with him. So I called off
|the engagement. Had a rough time getting over her and went to japan
|this past april and we spent some time together in different cities.
|I learned a lot more culturally and finally came to grips that I made
|the right decision.
|u/Lizzydeathstar - 10 hours
|
|NTA. I'm glad your son told your wife to GTFO because she was being
|horrid. I would give her some time to reflect and then have a calm,
|serious talk with your wife. They've been together for 3 years, and
|this girl is in law school, and they met volunteering. She's clearly
|bright and career driven. But ALL of that aside - does she not trust
|your son to pick a decent person as a partner? I would remind her how
|her parents treated you and how it probably drove the 2 of you away.
|Ask her if she wants the same to happen here. I hope she recognizes her
|behaviors and decides to change them.
|u/Intelligent-Web-8537 - 10 hours
|
|The problem is the mother can not look beyond Dani's skin colour...
|that is all she sees when she looks at this accomplished young woman.
|Sad that she is so racist she can not see what a good woman her son
|has chosen.
|u/Beth21286 - 9 hours
|
|When her son cuts her off she'll either learn or only have two
|kids. She has a vrry small window for a grovelling apology and it's
|closing fast. I'd ask her how she'd feel if Dani's parents
|rejected her soup-kitchen-volunteering, medical-student son because
|he's half Japanese and no other reason.
|u/InternetAddict104 - 8 hours
|
|She may not have any depending on Kyle’s relationship with his
|siblings tbh
|u/Cultural_Elephant_73 - 8 hours
|
|Very important point you made!! The window for her to grovel is
|small and closing. Can’t be a racist for 6 months then try to
|make amends. Gotta get your mind right fast.
|u/Intelligent-Web-5970 - 6 hours
|
|Yes! NTA. Your wife was being blatantly racist, and you
|called her out, which was the right thing to do. Comparing her
|to her parents might've stung, but it was a fair point.
|Respecting your son and Dani mattered more here.
|u/ZaraBaz - 5 hours
|
|There is no quarter for racists. The waterworks are insulting
|here. Call the son and give an apology on behalf of racist
|mother.
|u/Pseudomuse - 3 hours
|
|I'd agree with calling the son to talk about it, but I
|don't believe in apologising on behalf of someone else's
|behaviour. The mother is the one being abhorrent, she
|should be the one apologising.
|u/City_Girl_at_heart - 2 hours
|
|"I'm sorry your mother is like that. I'd like you take
|you both to dinner without your mother."
|u/Standard-Comment7291 - 2 hours
|
|THIS.
|u/HarmonyQuinn1618 - 5 hours
|
|To be honest, I don’t think there even is a window. That’s a
|line that once crossed, there’s no going back. You can’t just
|erase that from memory. It’d take years of actual hard work,
|not just passively no longer making racist remarks, to undo
|that from her son’s mind but it will never leave Dani’s mind.
|You can never shake the feeling that you’re not wanted by
|someone.
|u/Dependent_Ad7711 - 4 hours
|
|Yea, that line is crossed and unfortunately ruined their
|relationship with their son probably forever, for sure if he
|ends up marrying Dani...and their relationship with their
|future grandkids if they ever decided to have children. I
|would be absolutely livid I were the husband as well, all the
|potential special moments in the future ruined because you
|coudnt even meet this young woman once before foaming at the
|mouth to start an argument about her skin color? Looooot of
|damage for 5 minute of stupidity.
|u/PickleNotaBigDill - 1 hour
|
|It just makes me so sad for Dani. I hate that people are
|genuinely racist and there is no cure, because they revel
|in their stupidity.
|u/spintool1995 - 2 hours
|
|People can learn and grow. My Asian inlaws at first didn't
|like that their daughter was marrying a white guy. As my wife
|said, all they knew about white people was what they learned
|from Jerry Springer. But once they got to know me they were
|fine. A few years later, they divorced and my MIL actually
|got remarried to a white man herself. My FIL was in poor
|health and moved in with us and now has lived with us for 15
|years. He's told me several times that I am his favorite son
|(my wife has two brothers). 2nd story, at the time we got
|married, my wife's cousin was dating a black man. They had
|been dating for two years and we were friends. The cousin
|called and said they might not attend our wedding because her
|mom (wife's aunt) said she wouldn't come if the cousin
|brought her black boyfriend. I told her they better come and
|if her mom feels that way then she isn't invited. In the end
|they all attended. They got married a year later and her
|parents grew to accept it. When they got old and frail they
|moved in with their daughter and black SIL and they got along
|well.
|u/Sudden_Morning_4197 - 8 hours
|
|She's probably gonna just double down on the racism.
|u/thedankening - 4 hours
|
|Even if she doesn't, you can't repair something like this once
|it's broken, not completely. Every interaction for the rest of
|their lives would be corrupted by their son knowing how his mom
|felt about his partner in that moment. Even if she acted like a
|saint the rest of her life, he'd always wonder if she was just
|pretending and when the next shoe would drop.
|u/VivienneNovag - 7 hours
|
|And depending on how well the kids get along and what they're
|views on issues such as these are it's highly likely her other
|children will stand behind the son and she'll have no kids
|anymore. Considering how steadfast OP was in this situation this
|is highly likely.
|u/Merry_Sue - 5 hours
|
|Even if they hate their brother (and/or Dani), they might still
|pull away from their mother because of her racism.
|u/Due_Smoke5730 - 5 hours
|
|True, my dad is being a total ass to my sister and I’ve gone LC
|with him because of it, our other sister has also gone LC with
|him because of it. Our only brother on the other hand, he’s
|making shit up about the 3 of us to look good in dad’s eyes.
|Well we’ve all gone NC with him (I already had been NC for 10
|years with brother). So yea, siblings should stick together.
|u/charli_da_bomb_420 - 8 hours
|
|Makes a good point! Also, if she came from a position of
|adversity as well, that means she's had to work even harder than
|most to overcome obstacles like poverty, history of families
|without both parents in the home, experiencing homelessness, etc.
|It's not an easy start for everyone bright kid, that's for sure.
|She sounds like she has a heart and wants to go for justice. Good
|stuff in a wife.
|u/Perfect_Drama5825 - 5 hours
|
|While I respect that you've said Dani sounds like she has a lot
|going for her, I do want to point out that OP's post said
|nothing about her overcoming adversity due to her upbringing.
|u/BuildingSupplySmore - 5 hours
|
|Did OP mention this somewhere and I missed it?
|u/kultureisrandy - 6 hours
|
|Yep, I dont have a relationship with my grandmother outside of
|short visits because she revealed her racist nature to me as a
|youth. Even as she's in rehab care, i can only think about her
|comments when I see her. That was almost 2 decades ago
|u/Stillatin - 5 hours
|
|As a younger brother, I think she might not even end up with two
|if the others find out. Depending on the siblings relationship,
|she might not have any on her side
|u/The_Razielim - 2 hours
|
|>I'd ask her how she'd feel if Dani's parents rejected her soup-
|kitchen-volunteering, medical-student son because he's half
|Japanese and no other reason. I mean, she *already* pulled the
|"No that's different, it's not the same thing" card when OP
|brought up how her parents viewed him. Can't imagine OP's wife
|pulling anything other than "Well of course they don't approve of
|our son, he's actually well-raised..." out of her ass.
|u/mechwarrior719 - 7 hours
|
|I imagine the answer would be “that’s different” or something
|similar.
|u/Warot1969a1 - 8 hours
|
|OP is being a fair parent and partner by not excusing bad behavior.
|Hope, Naomi can take this as a wake-up call and reflect on her
|actions.
|u/long_live_cole - 9 hours
|
|Mom is Japanese. She really shouldn't be throwing stones or someone
|will straighten her out real fast. Racism is racism
|u/Callist0s - 9 hours
|
|My understanding is that the Japanese are/have been traditionally
|very racist themselves towards non-Japanese people.
|u/Fanraeth2 - 8 hours
|
|Japan is incredibly xenophobic to an extreme that would be
|comical if it hadn’t led to some of the worst atrocities ever
|committed. But East Asians in general are really bigoted toward
|darker skin tones because of longstanding classism issues. Skin
|whiteners are popular there for that reason
|u/Iwonatoasteroven - 8 hours
|
|Remember the history of the Second World War when the Germans
|and Japanese became allies because they both believed they
|were racially superior.
|u/LaurenMille - 8 hours
|
|And then the Nazi's couldn't believe how fucked up Imperial
|Japan was once they did end up allied.
|u/Royal_Reptile - 7 hours
|
|To be fair both the Nazis and Imperial Japanese, and the
|Soviets too, had bouts of racism so bad that it confused
|the others. It was literally a circle of "I can't believe
|you'd treat X people so horribly!" while they were doing
|the same to Y people.
|u/BKH0718 - 7 hours
|
|To be fair again, then the US decided to imprison its
|own citizens with Japanese lineage. All while the
|people’s stole their businesses, homes, basically
|anything they couldn’t take with them.
|u/DocCharlesXavier - 5 hours
|
|Amen - this discussion always tries to pinpoint who
|was “worst.” But god damnit, as an American, having
|our country try turn against its own citizens is
|fucking despicable.
|u/prof_dj - 7 hours
|
|as if americans are any different? the entire continent
|was built on genocide and racism.
|u/Ravenerz - 6 hours
|
|No country is different. Hell, even the Koreans had
|the longest, unbroken streak of slavery. Every
|single country has racist backgrounds. No one's hands
|are clean..PERIOD.
|u/P3t3R_Parker - 8 hours
|
|>xenophobic Thats the key word. From my experience the
|older generations are more extreme. Anglo friends, late 40's
|early 50's who married Japanese partners, encounter the same
|issues with the inlaws. It definitely isn't limited to
|Japanese culture.
|u/herdsflamingos - 7 hours
|
|Japanese remain bigoted to Koreans
|u/SashalouAspen4 - 7 hours
|
|As a white woman who dated a black man while living in South
|Korea, I can 100% tell you this is true
|u/Nayiru - 8 hours
|
|Especially towards black people. When we were leaving base
|there in the 90's none of my mother's english students would go
|learn from the woman who was taking her place because she was
|black. ):
|u/MobileParticular6177 - 8 hours
|
|Most Asians don't like other races. How OP managed to be
|married to his wife for this long and not realize it is the
|real question here.
|u/DocCharlesXavier - 5 hours
|
|Asians love white people, even over their own.
|u/NoBigEEE - 8 hours
|
|I'm not really surprised Naomi's parents didn't want her to
|many a non-Japanese man. It's a very insular country. But
|I've also talked to a half-Chinese person who was looked down
|upon by non-biracial Chinese people. Everybody can be racist
|against some "other".
|u/DupreeWasTaken - 7 hours
|
|Obviously I cant speak for a whole country. But my grandma/step
|grandma are both Korean. Them and the family members I know
|(that are from Korea) are particularly racist. They seem to
|favor Korean or White people. Probably mostly korean. They
|absolutely hate Japanese people (though that is likely because
|of the Korea-Japan shit) But they all hate black people to an
|insane degree. I've heard some insanely vile and racist shit
|from said family members about black people and they dont even
|realize its racist almost.
|u/PrudentFinger1749 - 6 hours
|
|I think every race/religion is full of racists. People who
|live in urban/ metropolitan area learn to coexist and respect
|others. And studies show that way we can get full
|participation towards betterment of things. We need to evolve.
|Learn to respect and accept other cultures.
|u/TheBerethian - 8 hours
|
|Most of Asia is racist. Hell, a lot of the world is. The West
|has a lot of issues, but it tends to be the most accepting of
|others.
|u/KorgiKingofOne - 8 hours
|
|Good people don’t tolerate racism
|u/RunningOnAir_ - 8 hours
|
|Some East Asians are crazy racist. they simultaneously get mad at
|white people for being racist to them, while cheering when white
|people are racist to other POCs. Some of them suck up to white
|people while looking down on other POC and even sometimes their
|own race and/or ethnicity.
|u/MoonWatt - 4 hours
|
|🎯 As seen by that lady from a podcast who made some wild claims
|about BW. I was shocked to hear such from also a marginalized
|group but was glad when people from her group educated her.
|u/Similar-Date3537 - 7 hours
|
|An associate of mine is from Thailand. She has told me many
|times that each Asian country thinks they are superior to every
|other one. The stuff I've heard about those from Laos or Japan
|or China .... yikes. Racism is not exclusive to any one race or
|culture, unfortunately. Thankfully, it seems your son has not
|inherited his mother's views.
|u/Lush_Gurliee - 9 hours
|
|OP's wife’s behavior was unacceptable, plain and simple. Good on OP
|for calling her out. I hope she learns from this and grows. NTA.
|u/scummy_shower_stall - 7 hours
|
|As someone who lives in Japan, it's a pretty common quiet racism
|here. Good that her kids were raised in the US and seem mostly
|free of that.
|u/Yiuel13 - 8 hours
|
|Definitely, Naomi is being racist. Surprisingly enough, it is quite
|common among Japanese to fail to recognize racism.
|u/secpone - 10 hours
|
|It's concerning when a spouse can't respect their child's choices.
|Naomi needs to understand that love transcends color and stereotypes.
|Open communication is key here.
|u/Hottie_Vixen2 - 8 hours
|
|Props to OP for standing up for Dani. OP's wife needs to take a
|good look in the mirror. Racism isn’t okay, no matter the context.
|u/GrafittiFashion_111 - 9 hours
|
|who knew law school could come with a side of 'GTFO' etiquette?
|Seriously though, it's wild that she can't trust his judgment after
|three years together! Maybe she needs a crash course in How to Not Be
|Horrid 101. Let's hope she takes this time to reflect and realizes
|that if she keeps it up, she'll be getting more than just a stern
|talk from you guys. She'll be getting the you’re not invited to
|Thanksgiving treatment.
|u/rW0HgFyxoJhYka - 5 hours
|
|I actually believe this story for once. Out of all the fake ass
|stories I believe this one. Not because its about some japanese
|racist, but because they choose the OP over their parents, but then
|they can't let their own son choose some black girl over a japanese
|girl. God the world could be so much better if it wasn't for god
|damn nationalism and racism and religion. I hope OP is able to
|pick up the pieces and help his wife become a better person by
|making her realize its not different when she chose a white man.
|Wait a second...
|u/Smell_it_now_take_it - 8 hours
|
|Naomi might feel hurt, but she brought this on herself. OP defending
|Dani was the right thing to do good for OP for standing up to racism.
|NTA.
|u/RadicalSnowdude - 5 hours
|
|Who cares if Naomi feels hurt. I wouldn’t care if some confederate
|dad felt hurt if his son dated a black woman.
|u/frosted_nipples_rg8 - 9 hours
|
|Yep, your wife is on the fast track to be banished from your sons
|family and future children. You will need to keep a healthy
|separation from your wife's antics to be allowed to keep contact with
|his family and children on the condition you go alone and never bring
|the wife in tow.
|u/Revolutionary-Bus893 - 9 hours
|
|Doesn't she want Kyle to be happy?
|u/mmcksmith - 8 hours
|
|Only in the way mother approves, apparently
|u/ktappe - 8 hours
|
|This is key. This is the angle that OP needs to take with his wife.
|u/No-Cheesecake4542 - 4 hours
|
|I’m constantly stunned by how many mothers of sons think it’s more
|important to give the son’s partner a bad time than to hope and be
|glad if their son is happy.
|u/Enough_Plantain_4331 - 10 hours
|
|This 👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾
|u/secpone - 10 hours
|
|Her reaction shows deep-rooted biases that need to be addressed.
|This isn’t just a phase.
|u/Midnight-Snowflake - 9 hours
|
|Maybe when Kyle was with the Japanese ex, mother was thinking she
|could finally get her parents’ approval through her son marrying
|within the culture? OP is NTA in any case.
|u/blackdicksmatter2_ - 9 hours
|
|Good point 🤔
|u/Enough_Plantain_4331 - 9 hours
|
|Never thought about that 🧐
|u/prosector56 - 9 hours
|
|Naomi is racist trash, and will probably never change, my racist
|Filipina mom hasn't, and I've been married to him for twenty years.
|I'm no contact with her controlling ass. If you want to still be a
|part of your son's life, you may need to choose between him and your
|wife, or he will choose Dani and you will be stuck with your racist
|wife.
|u/Present_Signature343 - 6 hours
|
|I was so shocked to realize the Filipino part of my family was
|racist. Especially since the majority married black men. Then
|seemed shocked when some of their kids came out looking more black
|than others, and therefore treated them as less than their lighter
|skinned and more Asian looking children. I had a hard time looking
|at some of my aunts the same way once I became old enough to
|realize that not only were they racist, but racist towards their
|own children after *the real kicker* marrying black men. With that
|being said, you will also see this with white women who marry black
|men. It’s like they expected a certain look for their biracial
|child and are disappointed when the child’s curls aren’t as loose
|as they would like or their skin is darker than they expected. Then
|they project their disdain onto their child and as a consequence,
|you have a child that hates their skin tone or their hair texture.
|It’s very sad:(
|u/PatientIdentified86 - 5 hours
|
|It's deeply ingrained colonial mentality, it's very typical for
|young girls in both South Asia and Southeast Asia to see whiter
|skin as a beauty standard due to the long history of being
|colonized by white and/or East Asian people. My own mother
|constantly boasted about her pale skin in front of her much
|darker children. It took years of pointing out to her that no
|matter how pale she is, she'll never be treated as a white person
|and that if there was any actual Spanish blood in her line, that
|means some Spanish priest sexually assaulted her great great
|grandmother.
|u/Limp_Collection7322 - 7 hours
|
|You never know my great grandmother changed and I only knew the
|good sides. I can't believe the stories I heard later
|u/StrongTxWoman - 7 hours
|
|First impression is very important and she ruined it. Not only that,
|she did the most unforgivable to an African American woman, being
|passive aggressive racist! I don't think there is any come back.
|The best is to remain civil. With the way our country is moving,
|there is no healing and we chose it this way.
|u/Angry-Dragon-1331 - 5 hours
|
|Also OP, you raised a good son.
|u/SinnerIxim - 4 hours
|
|You are using reason to try to convince someone out of a position
|they didn't use reason to get to. Based on her response she is just
|straight up racist towards blacks. She doubled down on the issue
|being her race and indicated her husband (white) was different.
|u/Accomplished-Good378 - 7 hours
|
|Happy cake day!🧁
|u/inssein2 - 7 hours
|
|It’s so sad she can’t see she’s being racist just like her parents
|were to her husband who is white. You would think with that type of
|history she would be more open to her son dating or marrying someone
|who’s black but nope… in her eyes it’s apples and oranges and totally
|not the same thing…. It’s so sad because I notice this in so many
|other life stuff that people will cry wolf but then do the same thing
|they cry about to others it’s hypocritical and lame.
|u/Sea_Marble - 10 hours
|
|NTA. I wish you had asked her how it was different and to explain to
|you why her parents not liking you was racist, but her not liking Dani
|is not.
|u/dollywooddude - 10 hours
|
|Actually when she was called out, she doubled down and said “so
|what”. Op’s wife isn’t denying being racist she just doesn’t care
|that she is. She wants her husband to be racist against Dani too.
|u/Best_Temperature_549 - 8 hours
|
|I hope OP continues to do the opposite of his wife and support his
|son and Dani. I’d even reach out and have a solo dinner with the
|two of them. Leave the wife at home. That might be the difference
|of the son going NC or LC with OP. NTA obviously.
|u/StoreNo163 - 6 hours
|
|This is a good idea. Dad should take them both out and show
|support for them. Regardless what the wife thinks because most
|likely. The son is confused and knowing one of them supports him
|could be big. I'm afraid to think that if it doesn't work out,
|mom could lose a son because he was already siding with his gf
|u/CrazyParrotLady5 - 6 hours
|
|This is exactly what I got out of this, too. She doesn’t care!
|u/rogers_tumor - 8 hours
|
|well you see her parents not liking OP wasn't justifiable because
|he's white, his wife's hate for Dani though is *different* though,
|it's *justified* because she's black see the difference? hefty /s
|in case anyone thinks I'm serious .. but no I truly think this is
|how she feels. "my parents racism wasn't ok because I love you, but
|my racism is justifiable." it's like "the only moral abortion is my
|abortion" but in this case, my racism is ok because it's justifiable.
|u/confictura_22 - 6 hours
|
|I immigrated to Australia from New Zealand when I was 16. I'm
|pretty damn Caucasian, blonde and blue eyed. It was unbelievable
|how many Australians would complain about immigrants to me like
|they expected me to agree. I was working at a fast food job and
|the other employees started complaining about an Indian dude from
|another food joint who sometimes ordered lunch from us (I can't
|remember why they were complaining). Anyway, one of the people I
|worked with said something like, "Ugh, all these immigrants taking
|jobs that good Australians could be working!". I said, "Uhh you
|know I'm an immigrant literally working a job right now that an
|Australian could be working?". After a few seconds of deer-in-
|headlights, she said, "That's different!!". When asked why, she
|stammered for a bit then came up with, "You speak English! These
|people just don't try to learn our language and culture...". The
|Indian guy had an accent, but not very strong, and was perfectly
|fluent. Sadly, I don't think I said much more after that, I think I
|was so baffled at such an overt display of prejudice I didn't
|really know how to respond more, but I'm at least proud of 16-year-
|old me for trying. Funny thing is, a lot of the racism/anti-
|immigrant rhetoric I've heard comes from people who aren't even
|white or many generations of Aussie themselves - it often seems to
|be those whose parents immigrated and they grew up here. Maybe
|stomping down on others they perceive as "lesser" makes them feel
|more empowered in the face of racism they experienced themselves?
|u/AnotherRandomRaptor - 6 hours
|
|I have had almost exactly the same experience except moving from
|Australia to NZ. It’s different, because we’re white, so we’re
|“expats”, not “migrants”. /s
|u/LeoPromissio - 5 hours
|
|SAME THING! USA to Australia.
|u/rogers_tumor - 5 hours
|
|your story is all too real lol, I'm white and moved from US to
|Canada. my partner, also white moved from UK to Canada. it's
|fascinating how when people complain about immigrants, suddenly
|the pair of us *don't count*
|u/confictura_22 - 5 hours
|
|Someone in another circumstance told me I was "one of the good
|ones" once. I pointed out that nah, I'm not, I'm a medical
|mess, I'm a taxpayer burden! I just got permanent residency
|because my Dad has a swanky professor job and a university
|sponsored my family. They reassured me they were still glad I'm
|here and I "fit in with the culture so well". I didn't have the
|opportunity to say much more, it was just a passing
|conversation at a conference (seriously, why do people decide
|to unleash their weird immigration views on near-strangers).
|Later I had fun composing snarky answers in my head
|though..."Strange, I thought part of that culture was meant to
|be giving everyone a fair go and being welcoming and down to
|earth, maybe they should kick you out", "How would you know if
|I fit in with the culture, I met you 20 minutes ago? Also,
|sports bore me and I don't drink, guess I should leave".
|u/spa22lurk - 5 hours
|
|During WWII, the real prisoners of war from Germany ware
|treated better than the Japanese citizens of the United States.
|Nowadays we have Republicans who would rather be Russians than
|Democrats. People keep saying that Democratic Party lost
|election because of the inflation and economy. It is true
|because there are about 10% of voters who swing based on
|economy. But 90% of Republican voters vote their ways because
|of prejudices. The narrative about swing voters is being used
|as the narratives of all republican voters. It is false. I hope
|people understand that.
|u/aisha1908 - 7 hours
|
|This personal justification she has is one of the common ways
|people try to hide their “Black People Exception”. They don’t see
|color (unless you’re Black), they love everyone (except the Black
|person who they just don’t feel a connection to / can’t put their
|finger on it / vibe is off ), their family members & friend group
|is diverse with people of so many different backgrounds, but no
|Black people in the group. Anti-black racism does feel pretty
|unique since unfortunately Black people do this too.
|u/J_War_411 - 6 hours
|
|Seen this Many Many times, family life, work, education... It's
|pervasive!
|u/JimWilliams423 - 6 hours
|
|It might be, but in America white is upper caste and black is lower
|caste. Immigrant parents not liking a white boy is a prejudice
|they brought with them from their home country that actually holds
|them back. Not liking a black girl is the American way.
|Embracing anti-blackness is how other races, like the
|[Irish,](https://www.theroot.com/when-the-irish-weren-t-
|white-1793358754) the
|[Italians,](https://historynewsnetwork.org/article/how-
|italians-became-white) and the
|[Jews](https://www.washingtonjewishweek.com/how-jews-became-
|white/) achieved white status. Other immigrant groups are just as
|eager to climb that ladder.
|u/eastbayweird - 5 hours
|
|It was the Chinese becoming the most feared 'other' that allowed
|the Irish and Italian immigrants to be accepted as being 'white'
|Jews have been back and forth whether they are considered 'white'
|a few times now. Of course it's all bullshit. There is no one
|shared historical 'white experience' and that's why any concept
|of a 'white history month' or anything along those lines belongs
|solely in the domain of white supremacists.
|u/SinnerIxim - 4 hours
|
|It seems pretty clear that she's racist against blacks. She
|specifically said it's different with her husband (white) but for her
|daughter the race (black) is the concern This is why she barricaded
|herself away. Because she has no defense aside from "he's black"
|u/chez2202 - 10 hours
|
|NTA. You stood up for your son and for Dani. You did the right thing.
|u/TwixieLuxe - 5 hours
|
|Agree NTA. You defended your son and Dani, which was the right thing
|to do. You didn’t let your wife’s behavior slide and called it out.
|u/viviolay - 10 hours
|
|Man, my heart breaks for Dani. I’m glad you’re being a good dad and
|person by standing up to your wife. How your wife is treating Dani is
|like every black girl in an interracial relationship’s worst nightmare
|when meeting a parent. You are NTA. You wife is being a horrible
|person - full stop. She can adapt and do the work to fix her own
|ignorance or she may find she loses a son. Even if he and Dani don’t
|stay together, people’s perceptions of their parents can be permanently
|tainted when they act as Naomi.
|u/hownowbrownmau - 9 hours
|
|Been Dani in a lot of relationships. I don’t know what’s worse,
|having them say something which forces your significant other to
|confront reality or them being silent while you know/feel it unsaid.
|Part of me thinks the latter is worse. You have to endlessly deal
|with a significant other who make excuses for them and can’t accept
|that their family is racist. Sometimes it’s better out on the
|table. Knowing how your significant other reacts when confronted with
|irrefutable reality is the litmus test
|u/viviolay - 8 hours
|
|I’m sorry you’ve have to deal with that. I’m in an IR, but the fact
|I feel lucky my SO’s family are good people - I shouldn’t feel
|lucky, it should be the norm. And even then, I know he still has
|“that one uncle” or something I thankfully haven’t met. I agree
|with you the latter is worse tho. Partners are supposed to be your
|source of comfort and protection - both ways.
|u/justbffr - 7 hours
|
|Just letting you know you don’t have to endlessly deal with
|anything. If you tell someone what’s going on and how you feel
|about, and they do nothing, make excuses, or defend… that’s not
|someone you need to be with. Especially if it involves racism! You
|don’t have to wait around to see if they’ll suddenly get it. IMO
|Wanting to be with someone so badly, you’ll let others mistreat you
|is absolutely crazy.
|u/hownowbrownmau - 7 hours
|
|I think you misunderstood. Or I miscommunicated what I’m trying
|to say. When there isn’t definitive proof that your spouses
|family is racist there is always plausible deniability. Endlessly
|dealing with “it” is, in essence, not having proof and ultimately
|not knowing for sure how they would act in such scenario. I
|don’t know what your race is but it reads to me like you’re not a
|POC. Every POC I know, knows of a person that they have a sense
|about but they don’t act on it, but you know. Having to deal with
|in laws who are racist but would never be caught being racist
|leaves you feeling in limbo. Your spouse literally has nothing to
|defend you against other than a spidey sense. What I’m saying is
|that I prefer having it all out on the table than to be in that
|limbo. No one is talking about staying with a partner who
|doesn’t defend you. I certainly am not.
|u/NotAzakanAtAll - 4 hours
|
|I'll never understand racist. I've been forced to be in the
|vicinity of idiots of all colors. Why pick one part of the idiot
|cake and say these precious idiots are perfect - is it because you
|are from that slice? Also an idiot?
|u/ComprehensivePut5569 - 10 hours
|
|NTA - Your wife is a racist AH and needs to be called out for it.
|Racists don’t deserve being treated gently and they should be shamed at
|every opportunity. I have no sympathy for your wife. Good for you and
|your son for standing up for Dani. Don’t let up on her either. Your
|wife can decide if she wants to continue to be a racist and risk losing
|her son or become a good person. Ball is in her court.
|u/spunkyfuzzguts - 9 hours
|
|Many Japanese people are extremely racist.
|u/fml_wlu - 8 hours
|
|Anti-blackness is a shared sentiment all round the world
|u/thebrattyfairy - 7 hours
|
|Literally this. Even other minority groups who know what it feels
|like to be treated poorly and be discriminated against almost go
|“at least im not black” and will treat black or even people of
|the same race like shit. I have seen mexican moms treat their
|daughters mexican boyfriends like they are too dark and unworthy
|if they are darker than the daughter. Oftentimes the girls are
|half white and the boyfriends are the same color as their racist
|mom. It’s a trip.
|u/queenweasley - 5 hours
|
|Colorism is a trip! It exists within most if not all sects of
|PoC. Systemic racism has really fucked people up into thinking
|that your proximity to whiteness makes you special
|u/readyTGTFasap - 7 hours
|
|it’s really disheartening to just exist and know someone ,
|somewhere doesn’t like me because of the color of my skin. not
|because i did something to them or terrible in general but
|because 29 years ago i was born Black. shits getting old really
|fast.
|u/CrazyParrotLady5 - 6 hours
|
|I am sorry. It sucks.
|u/readyTGTFasap - 6 hours
|
|you don’t have to apologize but i do appreciate it ! i know
|the bad is noooowhere near the good but it does suck . like
|damn let me at least earn your hate lol
|u/VenusAmari - 5 hours
|
|Felt. It can be so exhausting sometimes. I'm also sick of
|people trying to gaslight me into thinking this is a small
|issue. It's not. It's global.
|u/One_Indication_ - 5 hours
|
|....that needs to die out with other forms of bigotry. Something
|being common doesn't make it acceptable.
|u/_le_slap - 5 hours
|
|Shit sucks. It's weird feeling safer in America than abroad. So
|many novel flavors of racism against black folk... Better the
|devil you know than the devil you don't....
|u/vocaluser345 - 8 hours
|
|Also xenophobic. Can't really help them change their mindset
|u/Ms74k_ten_c - 7 hours
|
|As an Asian i can guarantee it's not just Japanese Asians.
|u/deepasuka - 6 hours
|
|My Mom is Japanese and she is the most racist person I know. Not
|just racist, she hates other Asians even more.
|u/uniqueusername649 - 9 hours
|
|The Japanese are a very homogeneous population and that often leads
|to anything outside of their norms to be at least looked at
|suspiciously, if not negatively. Culturally that explains her
|racism but doesn't excuse it. This isn't as bad as it sounds yet,
|could be perfectly well an unconscious negative bias she has but
|didn't really realise. However, her next steps are what would be
|telling of her character. If she is aware of her negative biases
|and realises that this is actually plain and simple racism, yet
|decides to leave it at that instead of trying to make amends and
|working on moving past her xenophobic ideas, OP knows that she
|isn't the kind woman he thought she was. Yet if she does work on
|herself and grows as a person, this could eventually just be a
|funny Christmas story for everyone involved. She isn't a horrible
|person as of yet, her next steps will decide whether she is or not.
|u/aLittleBitFriendlier - 8 hours
|
|I'm half with you, but pulling out photos cherrypicked from her
|instagram and airing them right after (or during?) dinner that
|*she* cooked and 'confronting' her about them is one of the
|rudest things I've ever heard. Forget the racism, that on its own
|is a hefty indictment on her character
|u/Delicious_Version549 - 10 hours
|
|Absolutely! Racist idiots should be called out on their ignorance and
|stupidity.
|u/secpone - 10 hours
|
|Racism shouldn't be tolerated, especially when it affects family
|dynamics and relationships.
|u/deepfriedandbattered - 9 hours
|
|What about risking her marriage too? Can OP stand being married to
|such an ugly (on the inside) person? So full of hate and poison.
|OP, you will end up having to pick between your child (and
|DIL/grandchildren) and your wife. Choose carefully, now.
|Consequences.... Edot: spelling is my nemesis.
|u/flowerwhite - 9 hours
|
|I hope she'll understand what's wrong with her and change for the
|better. For *herself* (cause hating ppl like isnt peaceful and her
|hate is probably eating her out. Not that i have sympathy for her,
|but hating can be draining mentally) and **mostly** for the good of
|her family..
|u/NeatStick2103 - 9 hours
|
|And risk losing her husband as well.
|u/arya_ur_on_stage - 8 hours
|
|Risk losing get husband too, I would lose so much respect for my
|spouse if they behave like this
|u/montanagrizfan - 7 hours
|
|Now he needs to decide which person he wants in his life, his son or
|his racist wife. The son is going to go no contact with his mother
|and dad’s relationship with his son will be destroyed in the process.
|u/GalianoGirl - 9 hours
|
|Does OP even want to stay married to such a person?
|u/Catfish1960 - 10 hours
|
|If LW's wife doesn't cut it out, she's going to lose her son and access
|to any kids they may have. I've seen this in my friend circle and it's
|ugly. One friend's dad divorced his wife of many years because of her
|hatred of her Mexican American boyfriend turned husband. Friend cut
|off from her marriage and then their kids (who were the only grandkids
|as her brother and wife absolutely didn't want them and also moved to
|Europe for his job). Her mother was furious as she felt she was owed
|access. Well, dad got access, not mom which made it worse. He loves
|friend's hubby and they share a lot of interests but mom is off limits.
|Mom finally told dad it's them or me. He chose them. LOL
|u/detoxicide - 9 hours
|
|I don't see this woman even accepting future kids from this young
|couple. She would be racist against those possible future children.
|u/Slytly_Shaun - 8 hours
|
|Like, can you even wrap your head around that? You can't love a
|precious grandkid bc of preconceived and racist ideals? A kid that
|just like their mother had no choice in their birth or lineage...
|Fucking nuts.
|u/OkDelay4829 - 7 hours
|
|Y There's an Indian-American YouTuber lady who has half-black and
|half-Indian kids. I believe the grandparents are only interested in
|one of the 8 kids. Some people don't care about grandkids.
|u/MsTMac313 - 9 hours
|
|Lol, wise man. Too bad but she got what she deserved.
|u/LibrarianNeat1999 - 9 hours
|
|Yep - it burned mom until the day she died that she never had a
|relationship with her only grandkids or great grandkids. But her
|ex did.
|u/Shoto_uzumaki0508 - 9 hours
|
|May I ask, what does LW mean?
|u/Few_Language_4445 - 9 hours
|
|It stands for Letter Writer.
|u/Frozefoots - 10 hours
|
|NTA. If she doesn’t like being called racist, there’s a neat thing she
|can do to prevent it. It’s called “stop being racist”. It actually is
|very simple. Either that or face losing contact with her son and (if
|they want to) any kids they may have. This could also cascade to her
|other children - if my mother was acting that way towards my brother’s
|wife I’d be standing with them and telling my mother to fuck off.
|u/Leeward_bound - 10 hours
|
|You're a good man. Asians are conditioned to be generally very
|receptive of white people (like a trophy) and very mean to black
|people. and this is the norm. My mom also falls in this category, and I
|also fell in that category up until my mid twenties. Very ashamed of my
|perceptions back then. The thing that usually breaks the ice is for her
|to eventually see Dani has a person and not as a race but this too is
|problematic and Dani might never want to entertain naomi again. Which
|is fair.
|u/Megalocerus - 9 hours
|
|It can go away. My mother was very upset my brother hooked up in
|college with a Mexican girl. At least, she wasn't rude to her face,
|so there wasn't anything to live down. But after they married, and
|she met her family and knew her, they were so much like her own
|family, she wound up liking her and her family better than her other
|kids' choices.
|u/Solkre - 7 hours
|
|That's because actually meeting people often stops that racism.
|u/donuttrackme - 4 hours
|
|Sure, but there's still plenty of the "you're one of the good
|ones" types of people.
|u/mouseat9 - 9 hours
|
|Louisiana Creoles will give Asians a run for their money. But
|they’re similar with the exception of there’s no conditioning to
|accept Whites.
|u/kathatter75 - 8 hours
|
|My ex-husband was black, and when I was around his family, I was
|amazed at how racist black people could be towards each other.
|u/desertstar714 - 8 hours
|
|My grandma (who was black) saying you can't trust light skin
|N-words because they'll rat you out threw me for a loop
|u/Talk-O-Boy - 7 hours
|
|Light skinned dude from New Orleans, definitely dealt with that
|growing up. The other black kids would call me TacoBoy growing
|up because of my physical features. As someone who’s on the
|more social side, I eventually just donned it as a nickname.
|u/jutrmybe - 7 hours
|
|Not justifying it, bc I am creole but dark skin. But I will
|say, this comes from slavery and jim crow. Those of mixed
|ancestry did take part in and perpetuate worse racism (and much
|much worse) towards those with darker skin to bolster their
|social status in society. History has very dark times, and if
|your grandmother lived through those times, it would be very
|hard for her to erase her memories.
|u/Gloomy_Change_7553 - 8 hours
|
|😳
|u/flowerwhite - 9 hours
|
|Op said his wife parents were racist towards him tho, they're not
|treated like a trophy all the time. I've also seen many white ppl
|talking about their experience in Japan and lived a lot of
|discrimination too
|u/Leeward_bound - 9 hours
|
|Yes, not all the time I agree. That's why I said generally. I
|actually asked OP in a seperate comment what the wife meant when
|she said 'its different '. Most probably she was bull shitting.
|But, (it's not an excuse but I was thinking about it) given that OP
|is married for 30yrs, we could hazard a guess that OP's in-laws are
|from a generation that were influenced by wartime propaganda or
|they had family that were affected by war or something of that
|sort? My grandma hates white people. She was a teen at the time
|my country was decolonising. My mom is ok with them but will disown
|me if i tell her my partner is african. I personally have chosen
|to never get married and force someone to deal with this kind of
|family dynamics.
|u/Mord_Fustang - 8 hours
|
|you dont have to deal with it either. just sayin!
|u/jutrmybe - 7 hours
|
|please consider finding love on your own terms and just never
|sharing that info with your mother/grandmother, or just keeping
|strict boundaries. You don't have to suffer to please them for
|the entirety of their lives
|u/gillibeans68 - 8 hours
|
|But the gag is, they consume so much African American culture, and
|want to be like us so badly! The cognitive dissonance is so loud.
|u/Leeward_bound - 8 hours
|
|indians specially- indian hiphop 'culture' is 97% mega cringe I'd
|say.
|u/Letmeoverthinkthis_ - 10 hours
|
|*Dani
|u/Leeward_bound - 9 hours
|
|Yes, really sorry! I fixed it.
|u/Southern-Influence64 - 10 hours
|
|I have a friend whose mother is Asian. He told me his mother once told
|him that Asians are the most bias of all groups against other races.
|u/Darryl_Lict - 9 hours
|
|I'm of 100% Japanese heritage and unfortunately, Japanese are
|typically pretty damn racist. Their immigration policies are amongst
|the most stringent on the planet. They seem to be especially racist
|against black people. Dave Roberts, the Dodgers manager is half black
|and half Japanese born in Japan and probably has some stories to
|tell.
|u/GoldFreezer - 9 hours
|
|>Their immigration policies are amongst the most stringent on the
|planet. Or, as a former prime minister once famously put it: "we
|don't have racism because there aren't any foreigners here".
|u/Wise_Statistician398 - 8 hours
|
|Yes! I read an article about the difficulties Japanese people were
|having accepting that many successful Japanese athletes were half
|black. Like Rui Hachimura and Naomi Osaka.
|u/ANoisyCrow - 8 hours
|
|Can confirm. My friend ( I will call her H ) had a son who married
|a white woman. That was bad, but they were also barren. So they
|adopted an American black child. This was a step too far. “Couldn’t
|it AT LEAST have been a Korean‽”
|u/ScratchyMarston18 - 9 hours
|
|Several years ago, I used to work with a pretty diverse group of
|folks, and I got along with pretty much everyone (I’m a white dude)
|but HOLY SHIT the Vietnamese dudes and Chinese dudes I worked with at
|that job seemed to be constantly trying to start a race war. They
|were especially terrible to each other and to the black guys. For
|whatever reason, less so to the Hispanics or me and the other white
|guys (worst I heard was *hands too big, round eye*) There were
|literally days we would have to stop what we were doing to break up
|fights. It wasn’t just the slurs either, plentiful as they were.
|We’re talking about full-on death threats and even property damage in
|some cases (tires were slashed, cars keyed, and lockers were
|pilfered.) Based on that experience alone I’d have to say that’s
|pretty accurate. I grew up in a small town in Texas with a lot of
|Klan members and podunk skinheads, and I think my former co-workers
|would make even them say, “Hey waitaminute.”
|u/MrBrickBreak - 7 hours
|
|I've heard it along the lines of "the Americans were our enemy for
|10 years, France 100, and China 1000".
|u/manykeets - 7 hours
|
|I had a Cambodian boyfriend in Atlanta, where there is a high
|Korean population. I couldn’t take him anywhere because he’d get in
|fights with Koreans.
|u/PaperBead341 - 10 hours
|
|I had a South Korean coworker whose second of three languages is
|Japanese and who studied in Japan until the 2011 earthquake hit and
|she came to the US. Even after several years here she said the most
|racist people she ever met were the Japanese.
|u/FrameActual6913 - 9 hours
|
|Older Japanese/Koreans don't like each other because of
|war/occupation. Or that's at least one of the reasons. I'm half
|Korean and my mom lost her shit when she found out I was dating a
|Japanese guy.
|u/WordsAreHard - 9 hours
|
|Can confirm. I’m half Korean and my Korean mom attempted to force
|me to break up with a Japanese girl I was dating. I told her she
|didn’t have to date her, but I was going to continue. I also went
|to a Korean church as the only part white kid and I’ve never
|experienced racism like that anywhere else.
|u/FrameActual6913 - 9 hours
|
|You're not Korean enough for the Koreans or white enough for
|the Caucasians. I feel you! (Edit sp)
|u/WordsAreHard - 7 hours
|
|As an adult, being mixed is the best; as a kid looking for my
|“team” it had its struggles.
|u/BroJack-Horsemang - 6 hours
|
|Hahaha ow My mixed race experience summed up in a single
|sentence. (Korean, Latino, white)
|u/possum-nips-fupa - 9 hours
|
|Cann confirm
|u/JustBid5821 - 10 hours
|
|Not to mention other types of Asians. NTA OP if your wife is willing
|to work on herself you might not lose your son but she needed to hear
|the truth like it or not. Good luck
|u/Suzume_Chikahisa - 10 hours
|
|I mean the Japanese have the Burakumin issue. They aren't even
|ethnically different than the remaining Japanese and are very much
|treated as second class citizens.
|u/Odd_Instruction519 - 8 hours
|
|And the Ainu, who have always faced discrimination.
|u/viviolay - 8 hours
|
|Wow, I forgot about that. I learned about that whole situation in
|a college course around Japan. If I remember correctly, it’s like
|having a lower “caste” with no distinguishable markers. Human
|beings as a species are frightening and sad in ways they will
|find to ostracize each other.
|u/Darryl_Lict - 9 hours
|
|Fascinating. I'm Japanese American and never heard of that caste.
|Are there particular last names that are associated with
|Burakumin?
|u/Suzume_Chikahisa - 9 hours
|
|No. No specific surnames, as surnames are relatively recent for
|the overwhelming majority of the Japanese people to begin with.
|It's entirely down to places of birth/residence being traceable
|to formely segregated hamlets where they lived and to the
|hereditary occupations of their ancestors.
|u/pestoster0ne - 7 hours
|
|This *was* true not that long ago, but younger generations
|neither know nor care. It's basically impossible to figure out
|who's burakumin unless you go digging deep in ancestral records,
|which are all locked down these days. Some time ago, the then-
|governor of Osaka Toru Hashimoto was "outed" as burakumin.
|Approximately nobody cared and he was re-elected anyway.
|u/ActConstant6804 - 10 hours
|
|yeah Asians are racist af - am Asian-american. I can’t stand my
|family talking
|u/themcp - 10 hours
|
|I'm gay. I recently had a partner who is Chinese-American (immigrant)
|and bi. He did not want me to meet his parents. Ever. (He stands to
|inherit a great deal of money, so he wanted them to be happy with
|him.) They don't know he's bi, but I got the impression that the
|problem isn't that I'm male, it's that I'm white. That they wouldn't
|necessarily have minded too much if he was dating a Chinese guy who
|could speak Mandarin with them.
|u/pourthebubbly - 9 hours
|
|I was friends with a pair of sisters in high school who had never
|met their grandparents in Korea because they disowned their mom for
|marrying a white guy. My own Latina mother has nothing but
|horrible things to say about my niece’s Black boyfriend either.
|It’s insanity. I genuinely don’t understand it.
|u/themcp - 8 hours
|
|My family is white. My cousin recently got engaged to a black
|woman. Everyone loves her, there will be absolutely no problem in
|the family with her, this paragraph has mentioned her skin color
|more than the family has the entire time they've been dating. I
|hope her family has no problem with him - I haven't asked, I
|don't know.
|u/Exciting_Kale986 - 9 hours
|
|A friend has a son who was involved with a Chinese girl whose
|parents still live overseas. She also stood to inherit a lot of
|money. Her parents didn’t know that the two of them had MARRIED
|and had a CHILD!
|u/Cheapie07250 - 9 hours
|
|My husband is South Korean. His parents didn’t like me but it wasn’t
|because I’m Caucasian. It’s because I’m not South Korean and I’m
|older than my husband who is the firstborn son. I didn’t have much
|of a problem with them as my husband has a pretty strong backbone, as
|do I. They knew better than to cross him, and they did end up
|accepting me when it was apparent that I wasn’t going anywhere.
|Helping them during some extremely tough situations and producing the
|only two grandsons pretty much rocketed me to the top of the heap in
|certain ways. (I don’t condone the gender favoritism. It just is.
|It’s very weird to me that a certain genitalia and chromosome mean so
|much to some people.) As far as I know, I’m still the only non-
|Korean in their entire extended family.
|u/haihaiclickk - 9 hours
|
|as an Asian I can confirm that Asians are *extremely* racist
|u/AcDcBoss - 10 hours
|
|I had a friend who said nobody is more racist than Asian parent
|u/General-Razzmatazz - 10 hours
|
|Equal opportunity bigots.
|u/aubergem - 10 hours
|
|I'm Asian (Filipino to be more specific) and to be honest, I can't
|believe how blatantly racists we can be and it's evident even in
|people with high educational attainment. Sometimes, I'd just be
|caught off guard by some of the comments people I know say in public
|that if they'd say it in places who are far more aware of race
|relations, they'd probably get a couple eyebrows raised at the very
|least. This is weird because we are also subject of racism by whites
|and even fellow Asians (Japanese, Koreans, Chinese, etc.) and yet,
|racism towards blacks and other Asians (Southern Asians) are rampant.
|Even fellow Filipinos with a darker skin color are looked down by
|those with fairer skin just cause. That's why whitening products are
|a big hit in this country. Edit: Japs to Japanese. Sorry to those
|I've offended. I was using a word that I've pretty much heard all my
|life so obv, we're still a long way to go from being conscious about
|words and how they matter to race relations.
|u/MrAlpacaSpit - 9 hours
|
|Sorry but can you please fix the way you spelled/shortened
|"Japanese" because the word you used is frowned upon. I'm sure you
|didn't do it on purpose, but it disturbs me (Japanese-American) to
|see it. Thank you for understanding.
|u/aubergem - 6 hours
|
|Hi! I'm sorry. Already edited with a note so others who don't
|know would be aware as well. Now I know not to use that word. My
|apologies, once again.
|u/Hakazumi - 9 hours
|
|Bit ironic to complain about racism while using a racist term,
|but at least they did start the paragraph with "how blatantly
|racists ***we*** can be", so I guess it checks out.
|u/aubergem - 6 hours
|
|Yeah actually, I've only been quite aware that I have a lot to
|learn about race relations even when I thought I wasn't being
|racist as all. Case in point, using the word I edited which I
|thought was normal because I've heard it a lot of times. I
|literally only knew it's history when people called me out here
|which was like a few minutes ago.
|u/Hakazumi - 6 hours
|
|I've never heard it spoken irl or read about it in school.
|The young me who has just learned English thought it's okay
|to shorten longer terms and I ended up using it somewhere
|online. Quickly had its history pointed out as well. I find
|it sad that you've been exposed to it by others. At the same
|time, I hope this will be useful learning experience for you.
|If you hear it again, assuming it's said by someone who
|doesn't easily throw hands, why not ask the speaker why they
|use it? If they're also uninformed then it'd be good to push
|them towards change. If they do it on purpose, well, then it
|might as well become a reason why you'd keep distance.
|u/Radiohead559 - 10 hours
|
|Not bias, racist.
|u/Head_Primary4942 - 10 hours
|
|They are so bad that they even hate their own race.
|u/Introverted-Observer - 10 hours
|
|Nta but your wife is. Feel sorry for your son and Dani.
|u/Accomplished-Emu-591 - 10 hours
|
|NTA. Your wife needs to understand that she is a typical racist. I'm
|happy for your son's relationship. I hope your wife's behavior doesn't
|sabotage it.
|u/Cold_Baseball_432 - 10 hours
|
|You already know the answer to your question. But I will offer
|something else- I think your wife just potentially-irreversibly upended
|Kyle’s life; and may have lost herself her son. You did well, perhaps
|not enough. I would attempt quad-effort to salvage what you can from
|the smoldering garbage heap your racist wife shit or your son’s dinner
|table, if I were you.
|u/2DogKnight - 7 hours
|
|Yeah, seriously. \-She may have damaged Kyle and Dani's
|relationship. Even though Kyle stuck up for her, Dani may not feel
|secure around his family anymore, which would be a deal breaker for
|many people. If they don't stick it out, he will NEVER really
|forgive his mom. If they do stick it out, it will be an absolute
|horrid in-law relationship, which is just a constant, unnecessary
|thorn in the side of any marriage. \-She significantly damaged her
|relationship with her son, if not completely ruined it. At the very
|LEAST it will 100% never be the same again. \-There's also the
|possibility that he'll never look at his parents relationship the
|same way again after that complete nightmare of an interaction.
|u/Cold_Baseball_432 - 5 hours
|
|Yep. Also, consider the timing/setting: - JUST relocated (D needs
|to develop a new network) - JUST moved in together (turbulent) - D
|JUST started law school (Tough) - K JUST started his medical
|RESIDENCY (JFC) D and K sound like good kids (met in a soup
|kitchen ffs) trying to live serious lives who seem committed. Full
|agree on serious damage. Best case, I think mom demoted herself to
|tolerate/ignore level. But sky is the limit on this one.
|u/Fubaryall - 10 hours
|
|Absolutely NTA! I love how you called out her bullshit! I hope your son
|and gf appreciate you standing up for them!
|u/n0tadoctorssh - 10 hours
|
|NTA. As an Asian who has dated a black person the double standards
|amongst Asians and skin color blew me away. Black women are honestly so
|inspirational and if your wife can’t see past her racial prejudices I
|don’t blame your son if he decides to go LC or NC in the future. Why is
|your wife okay with being married to you compared to Kyle loving Dani?
|u/OkDelay4829 - 7 hours
|
|Is your last sentence genuine curiosity or rhetorical? There's a
|hierarchy and black people are at the bottom and white people are
|near the top. I'm commenting as a black woman who didn't bother
|pursuing anything with an Asian Canadian guy because I didn't want to
|risk being in situations like this.
|u/CostFickle114 - 9 hours
|
|NTA. Your wife is an asshole and deserves to be called out. **But
|just to be very clear to you as well, Dani doesn’t need to graduate cum
|laude or anything else to deserve being treated with respect!** EDIT:
|Giving OP the benefit of the doubt that he doesn’t think that, yes, but
|don’t say it in front of her, she doesn’t deserve to feel like her
|accomplishments are the thing that should change the OP’s wife mind.
|u/leftymeowz - 9 hours
|
|Yeah I picked up on that too. Giving benefit of the doubt here and
|assuming OP just felt the need to be strategic in the moment and
|appeal to his wife’s elitism
|u/JTBlakeinNYC - 10 hours
|
|NTA. Not to pry, but you’ve obviously been with your wife for 20+
|years. How is it possible that you didn’t know she’s virulently racist
|until now?
|u/Ok-Butterfly-3820 - 10 hours
|
|There was never a situation where we were directly involved with
|African Americans. She’s never displayed this type of behavior
|u/Former_Competition73 - 10 hours
|
|Probably one of those "its fine if they exist just dont mix them in
|with MY family/bloodline/race etc" type racists. Japanese are
|famously xenophobic which is hard to do without being a lil racist
|too. Hope she comes around. Have her watch Yasuke on Netflix. ;-)
|u/Hey_Fuck_Tard - 8 hours
|
|Yeah, I was thinking the same thing. Asians are super racist
|against each other. No way something didn't slip out during a
|movie or discussion about any general life thing.
|u/ktappe - 7 hours
|
|As the saying goes, love is blind. OP probably saw a hint here
|and there and chose to overlook them.
|u/viviolay - 10 hours
|
|I’ll never understand how someone can so fiercely hate a group of
|people and yet never even interact with people from that group.
|Racism is always illogical - but like - are black people just
|living rent free in your wife‘s head cause when tf is she is taking
|time to generate all this hate.
|u/Parmenion87 - 8 hours
|
|Happens a lot towards the Middle Eastern/Muslim community here in
|Australia. Actually, a lot towards Asian and Aboriginal people
|too. Some of my extended family are quite casually racist and
|it's awful, people will never have actually spent time with
|people of the race they are vilifying. I'm very glad for my
|grandfather in that when we were young, he worked in the UN as a
|logistics officer in Iraq in the 90s, he helped two Kurdish
|families immigrate to Australia, loveliest people I've ever met
|who will give you the shirt of their backs if you needed it. I'm
|glad I was exposed to different cultures when I was young, having
|a couple of Aboriginal friends aswell who moved to our small
|town.
|u/Maleficent_Mouse_930 - 8 hours
|
|See that's the thing, what she's displayed isn't _hate_, not yet.
|It's a more subtle, more insidious, more dangerous form of racism
|less common in the US and more common in Europe and Japan. In
|many ways it's actually closer to _pity_... Instead of
|_hating_, this form of racism is about a superiority complex.
|Now, yes, all racism is about superiority, but this isn't about
|'black people deserve to be slaves" or "black people are
|inherently unintelligent". It's actually more to do with
|_culture_ than _race_, but there isn't really a word for that.
|These people view _cultures_ as inferior or superior to one
|another. They evaluate individuals based on their _culture_, they
|view the world through a lens of _culture_, and, most critically
|of all, they believe to be true certain things, stereotypical
|things, and they extend those beliefs to everyone within that
|culture. In this case, a belief that people of African-American
|culture, and particularly women, are unfaithful, vain, and
|shallow. It's a form of racism that's much harder to tackle, and
|much easier to rationalise, because it doesn't require you to
|totally dehumanise them, and it doesn't require you to discount
|their accomplishments. She doesn't deny this woman is
|intelligent, or that being in law school is an excellent thing,
|because she doesn't have to. She just has to focus in on the
|racist stereotype and say "Yes, but...", and that's enough. Of
|all the cultures on earth, the two most prone to this are my own
|(British), and Japanese. There is a streak of post-imperial
|hyper-civilised arrogance through both, but the Japanese truly
|take it to an extreme. It isn't marriage outside of being
|genetically Japanese, or black, or white, or Indian, that they
|object to. It's marriage to someone of an inferior _culture_.
|It's really very destructive.
|u/viviolay - 8 hours
|
|I get what you’re saying and understand your rationale. But
|it can be both cultural and anti-blackness too. The US doesn’t
|have a monopoly on specifically anti-blackness. It manifests in
|different ways worldwide. Throughout this thread, you have
|people from various Asian backgrounds commenting on how
|specifically black people are viewed a certain way outside of
|just being “outsiders” culturally. It’s the reason OP’s
|wife can marry a white dude but freak out specifically about
|Dani. She would not be acting the same way if Dani was white
|despite gef being a different culture,
|u/giga-plum - 8 hours
|
|Dude I see this in America with immigrants. I live in NY. I've
|spoken to multiple NY voters who's #1 issue was the apparently
|massive surge of migrants crossing the southern border illegally.
|These people have never spoken to a Central American immigrant
|who entered the US through the southern border EVER. They live
|2000 miles away from the southern border of the US, and they hate
|this group of people that they've never met. It's crazy to me
|that you can drum up hatred for someone you have never met, will
|never meet, and know nothing about. What is there to hate when
|you know almost nothing???
|u/WaterEnvironmental80 - 10 hours
|
|53 years on this planet and you’ve never been directly involved
|with any black people before *now*??? Where tf do you live?
|Sweden???
|u/MrsRod13 - 10 hours
|
|I'm 37 and have spoken to no more than 10 black people in person
|in my entire life. There are areas that have very little
|diversity.
|u/ThaliaEpocanti - 9 hours
|
|Even large areas that are very diverse can have a lot of micro-
|segregation. I’ve spent my whole life in Southern California
|and have personally known very few Black people because I’ve
|always lived and worked in neighborhoods that have only about a
|1% Black population. Despite its liberal reputation now the
|state was an enthusiastic supporter of redlining and other
|“soft” segregationist policies for a long time and it shows,
|though it is changing for the better.
|u/Broken_Truck - 8 hours
|
|I knew someone who didn't until boot camp.
|u/Outrageous_Guard_674 - 10 hours
|
|It is entirely possible that she only has problems with them
|dating her son, not with them in general, casual interactions.
|Doesn't make any less sense than what we know she is doing.
|u/dixiequick - 8 hours
|
|My grandpa was like this. Worked with plenty of POC, and got
|along with them just fine. His particular “style” of racism was
|the (early 1900s) Midwest-bred inherent belief that they just
|weren’t as good or smart as white people, but that certainly
|wasn’t their fault (poor things, right?). So general
|interactions were friendly and seemed normal. But apparently
|when my uncle brought home a black girlfriend, Grandpa flipped
|his lid. Not in front of her at least though, he was always
|polite, but the rest of them got the full laundry list of
|complaints after she left. My dad said he was shocked; he had
|never heard his dad be anything other than cordial towards
|black people, albeit with some pity from time to time.
|u/TheOnlyEllie - 10 hours
|
|Believe me, it's pretty easy not to do in certain states/places.
|u/Professional_Ad6086 - 9 hours
|
|When I was married to a military man, we got stationed in
|Washington DC. I went to work, and everywhere I was hired, I
|was the token white girl. It taught me how racism feels, only
|they accepted me much more easily than the people would have in
|the town I grew up in. I was grateful for the experience and
|made lifelong friends.
|u/MazzieMay - 7 hours
|
|Barley related, BUT: I had a roommate from Poland. She had never
|met a POC in her 27 years. We took her out for dinner because she
|wanted to try sushi. We had to order for her because she kept
|staring at the waitress When we asked her what was up, she
|said, “I don’t know how to talk to Japanese.” ?? You speak to
|them like anyone else. “Why does the Japanese know English?”
|Probably born here, but *you* learned English too. “But we are
|white!” Idk what’s going on in Poland, but the idea that
|different skin tones can’t learn certain languages is especially
|whacky. She was almost *thirty* and that never seemed hinky to
|her
|u/ConSmith - 9 hours
|
|One of my childhood friends married a black man. Nobody, not even her
|mom, knew her dad was virulently racist until she brought him home
|the first time. Sometimes, people are really good at hiding their
|biases until they're face-to-face and their emotions take over.
|u/Forward_Mammoth6207 - 10 hours
|
|NTA - I hope you two can work through this and I hope your wife can
|make the changes necessary to help your family move forward as a unit.
| And poor Dani. This situation was bad, and I think you’re on the
|right side of it. I assume your wife is a mostly reasonable person,
|give her some time to process through it and hopefully she gets her
|stuff together, but good on you for being on the right side of it.
|u/anneg1312 - 10 hours
|
|NTA… I hope your wife opens her heart and eyes
|u/LyraWhisperer - 4 hours
|
|NTA, standing up against racism is crucial. Your wife's behavior could
|damage her relationship with your son. It's important she reflects on
|her actions and understands the impact they have. Hopefully, with time
|and conversation, she'll see the importance of embracing diversity and
|respecting Dani as an individual.
|u/VesperHalo - 3 hours
|
|NTA. Your wife's behavior is harmful, and it's good you stood up for
|Dani. Racism needs to be addressed directly, or it risks damaging
|family relationships. Hopefully, your wife reflects on this and changes
|her perspective before it affects her bond with Kyle long-term.
|u/Leeward_bound - 10 hours
|
|But did she explain why it is different? (like how she is different
|from her parents) I am so amused and curious. I have similar parents
|and their mental gymnastics has great entertainment value.
|u/VeilLace - 3 hours
|
|NTA. It's important to stand up against racism, even within family.
|Your wife needs to reflect on her biases before they damage
|relationships permanently. Encourage open dialogue and understanding.
|Change can be tough, but it’s necessary for a healthier family dynamic.
|Good luck navigating this tricky situation
|u/jbbydiamond3 - 8 hours
|
|As a black girl, this is one of the things that make me paranoid about
|interracial dating. Kyle probably felt bad seeing his mom in such light
|and having to snap. “It’s different “ .. yea we know why. But NTA ,
|racism is harsh, history has shown you can’t coddle racist ideology.
|You have to be stern with this subject matter. I hope your family can
|get thru this together.
|u/berber189 - 4 hours
|
|Legitimately, as a black girl living in Japan, I have dated several
|Japanese men, and most of the time it doesn’t go past the first date.
|I’m openly fetishized and othered all the time, and many get
|disappointed when I don’t live up to their “ghetto-chick” fantasy.
|The guys I’ve dated for longer have often admitted they don’t want me
|to meet their families because they’re not going to accept me. It’s
|ended more than one relationship. I’ve honestly stopped dating since
|my last bf left me for a Japanese girl because of his parents. I give
|up 🙄
|u/RavenShede - 1 hour
|
|NTA. I had a similar situation with my mom not liking my partner
|because of race. It took time, but she eventually came around after
|seeing how happy we were together. It's tough, but standing up for
|what's right is important. Stay strong and keep supporting your son and
|Dani.
|u/Curious-Finding-172 - 10 hours
|
|NTA she is literally stepping over the very highest accolades to find
|something negative about her. Her aim is to justify why she doesn't
|like her so she doesn't have to acknowledge her prejudice against her
|for being black. We are ALL made in God's image she needs to learn to
|judge people based on principle, not pigment.
|u/Giantess-Lover98 - 10 hours
|
|Your wife needed the mirror held up to her
|u/writing_mm_romance - 10 hours
|
|Your wife IS racist. That would be a deal breaker for me both as a son
|and a partner.
|u/ScatterTheReeds - 10 hours
|
|NTA
|u/Deep-Age-2486 - 10 hours
|
|I can’t stand people who try to tell others not to date outside of
|their race. Oddly enough, most if not all of the people I’ve come
|across that share this mindset were Asian. Good on you for telling her
|how it is, NTA
|u/Dry_Ask5493 - 10 hours
|
|NTA. Your wife is a racist and needs to do some reflecting and
|apologizing.
|u/lizzyb717 - 9 hours
|
|Her parents were racist towards you because you were white, but she
|chose you. Now your son who is mixed race white/Japanese wants to date
|a black woman, but that's not ok?? Reminds me of a similar situation.
|My sister's dad is white and married to a Filipina woman. He questioned
|me as a white woman dating a black man. How is one different race ok
|to date but not another ?
|u/Bizarre_Protuberance - 9 hours
|
|This is exactly why racists are so goddamned annoying. They
|*instantly* flip the switch from bullies to whining victims. All of
|them do this: they can all switch seamlessly from persecuting others to
|crying that they're being persecuted. That's what conservative white
|male rage over "the woke mind virus" is: they actually feel
|legitimately victimized by people asking them to stop being racist.
|Their embrace of toxic, idiotic, ignorant, corrupt politicians like
|Donald Trump or Ron DeSantis is their version of locking themselves in
|the bathroom and crying because you were so mean to point out the
|truth.
|u/Snowkat666 - 10 hours
|
|NTA Sadly this isn't an isolated incident. Non-black POC tend to be
|pretty racist towards black people (obviously not all).
|u/shockjockeys - 10 hours
|
|NTA and honestly no further explanation needed
|u/Interesting-Tip-4850 - 10 hours
|
|Let her sulk a bit. I hope she can turn this around.
|u/anaisaknits - 10 hours
|
|NTA. Hatred is never ok no matter from which direction, and to treat
|Dani that way is disgusting. Why would she think anyone would defend
|racist behavior? She needs some serious soul searching to do. Double
|down and don't let up, but she's about to lose her relationship with
|her son Kyle. She owes Dani an apology and then on to Kyle, then you.
|u/Aromatic-Arugula-896 - 9 hours
|
|Racists deserve to cry
|u/CooCooForCocosPuffs - 9 hours
|
|It’s not different. She’s 100% in the wrong. NTA You and your son
|reacted appropriately, thank you.
|u/Muss_ich_bedenken - 10 hours
|
|NTA You did the right thing and held up a mirror to her. You're not
|wrong and she's effectively admitted to being racist. Hopefully or
|perhaps a thought process will begin.
|u/Standard_Tip7060 - 10 hours
|
|NTA. Hopefully, your wife will see her error and come around.
|u/Upbeat_Vanilla_7285 - 10 hours
|
|NTA but if your wife doesn’t see her mistakes then your marriage is
|over. Else you’ll alienate your son.
|u/doblehuevo - 10 hours
|
|NTA. Your wife needs to ask herself if she wants to have a
|relationship with your son. If so, she needs to acknowledge her
|mistake, apologize, and change her ways.
|u/Commercial_Let8546 - 10 hours
|
|The damage she did will never go away in Dani’s eyes.
|u/doblehuevo - 9 hours
|
|It could be minimized if she does a complete turnaround and
|apologizes quickly.
|u/MaryEFriendly - 9 hours
|
|Your wife is a racist. Racists don't get a pass. Unfortunately, it's
|very common in Japanese culture among certain generations. She's a
|product of her parents upbringing, but she's also old enough to have
|unlearned what they taught her. She will never see Dani for who she
|is, because she is not a good person. Racists are inherently terrible
|people. Anyone who sees a specific group or race as less than human is
|a terrible fucking person. I'd be questioning my marriage at that
|point, OP and demanding she seek help because her beliefs are
|bullshit.
|u/fireproofmum - 9 hours
|
|Your wife is racist. Never met one yet who copped to the label easily.
|I had an exchange student from Japan. They were hugely racist.
|Amazingly racist. We had to work through that big time. You know the
|culture - married for 30 years - far better than I. Anyway, you are
|right. She is.
|u/Nyankitty666 - 9 hours
|
|NTA. As a half black and half Japanese woman, this post broke my heart.
|My Japanese family was not accepting of my mother and lost contact with
|their son for over 15 years. It was only when my grandfather had a
|health scare that they reconnected, but the relationship is not the
|same. Some things cannot be unsaid. Speak with your wife before she
|loses her son.
|u/SilentJoe1986 - 9 hours
|
|NTA. Dani might like to shake her ass but your wife showed hers. She
|was being racist and maybe she should have run her attack plan by you
|before the dinner so you could have had that conversation in private
|and maybe prevent that incident. Shes just damaged her relationship
|with her son and his serious girlfriend. If she keeps this up she might
|not be welcome in their life. A lot of people these days have gotten
|sick of the bigotry of their family and are cutting the dysfunction off
|the family tree.
|u/Delicious_Version549 - 10 hours
|
|Good for you for not letting your wife get away w being a racist pos.
|u/lai4basis - 10 hours
|
|Nope. Your wife has some learned behavior to confront. I've been
|married for 25 years with two sons. I wouldn't sign off on bullshit
|like this either. I would also give my wife some grace if her desire
|is to learn and grow, I'm on board.
|u/SablePulse - 4 hours
|
|get where you're coming from. I once had to call out my partner for a
|similar issue. It was tough, but standing up for what's right is
|important. Hopefully, she reflects and realizes the impact of her
|words. Stay strong and keep supporting your son and Dani
|u/Babbott50-410 - 10 hours
|
|Glad your son stood up to his mother. She is a racist and she didn’t
|like hear you say it to her. Have a serious conversation with her and
|let her know that she will push her son away if she doesn’t change her
|ways.
|u/Forsaken-Photo4881 - 10 hours
|
|This is so upsetting. You need to sit your wife down and set firm
|boundaries. If she does cut it out she can get out. My son has
|been dating a beautiful girl since last year. She has the most
|beautiful hair, makes me wish I was black cuz I love her hair.
|Anyways…I worry about my folks cuz they are very racist. We will see
|what happens if they ever meet her. If someone ever talked to my
|son’s gf like your wife did, HEADS WOULD ROLL…. First from my son and
|then from me. Urrrggghhhh
|u/leftymeowz - 9 hours
|
|Honestly, I don’t think you were harsh enough
|u/Imaginary-Spot5464 - 9 hours
|
|NTA. She is TA. She is racist and I want to say this as gently as
|possible but she deserves to feel bad and does not need comforting. I
|do NOT say that lightly and sat here thinking for quite a few minute
|before putting that into such bold words. It is hard for me to say if
|her tears are genuine or from a genuine place of hurt or whether they
|are meant to manipulate. You know her I don't. She needs some
|education on racial equality.
|u/Lacroixrium - 10 hours
|
|NTA. Asians can be racist AF. Since I was a toddler my parents really
|encouraged dating other asians esp the same nationality as me, and
|Black people were definitely DISCOURAGED. Japanese are known as
|extremely nationalistic and racist towards other ethnic groups bc they
|deep their blood superior. Ofc im generalizing the older gen way of
|thought and there are many many kind japanese people, but their archaic
|way of thinking is still vastly present. Your wife needs a wake up
|call. And im glad your son is strong hearted and knew what
|discriminatory behaviours are like and was willing to call her out on
|it!!!
|u/Ok-Reply9552 - 9 hours
|
|Your son was very warranted. Honestly Dani was respectful asf bc ik ppl
|who would’ve went off on her after figuring out that she was racist.
|Your wife is disrespectful asf and not just for being racist. How do
|you go into someone’s home, get treated with respect, eat her amazing
|cooking and then be racist towards them? You weren’t harsh enough. She
|should’ve walked home honestly. Ik ppl on here be against divorce
|after one situation but do you really wanna stay married to a racist??
|And even worse, a proud racist?? Who plays victim after getting told
|off for being racist?? wtf is different about her parents being racist
|towards you bc you’re white and her being racist towards your songs gf
|bc shes black?? Is she rlly trying to justify it??
|u/Moni_Kei - 8 hours
|
|NTA..as a young black woman..this shit hurt to read because it’s a
|reality that we face in day to day society..so when your s/o’s parents
|also have hostile feelings towards you just because you’re darker
|(That’s what she meant when she said “it’s different.” You’re white, so
|it would be more acceptable because you have fairer or paler skin. Your
|children won’t come out any darker. They’ll be different..but not
|darker..that’s why, “it’s different.”) It’s also disheartening asf when
|it’s coming from another group that constantly gets attacked for being
|different. To be told you’re not good enough, even though you’ve worked
|hard asf and in some cases twice as hard just to get noticed, even
|after you’ve accomplished so damn much. You stood up for what you knew
|was right, not what would make things easier for you when you got home.
|She needs to learn sooner or later or she’s going to ruin her
|relationship with y’all son, who clearly doesn’t have the same views as
|her and also you, who stands on the side of equality as well. It was a
|hard awakening for her I’m sure..but I’m sure Dani is more devastated
|by what your wife said and how she treated her after cooking a meal for
|you all..than your wife is about being called out for being racist and
|unapologetically so..
|u/TicoSoon - 10 hours
|
|NTA For me personally, I could not stay married to a racist. Note that
|I am NOT telling you to leave your wife. That's your decision. But
|consider your next moves carefully. If Kyle sees you stand with your
|wife, it will be clear that you're as racist as she is. (Because you
|would be.) If you truly want to support your child and be an ally to
|people of color, namely your potential DIL, this is the time for you to
|find a spine and stand up for what's right.
|u/themcp - 10 hours
|
|NTA. She is indeed acting like her parents, if her parents did not like
|you just because you're white, and pointing this out to her is
|completely valid. Her behavior got her thrown out of her own son's home
|(and presumably you left with her whether or not you were thrown out
|because you had a vehicle to share), it takes a lot for a mother to get
|*thrown out* of her son's home, that speaks to how bad her behavior
|was. She may want to say "that's different," but it's *not* different,
|at all, and the claim itself is proof that she's being racist. It's
|*not* different because you're white and Naomi is black. Good on you
|for standing up for your son and his chosen partner. I suggest
|contacting them to apologize for bringing her around to be racist to
|them and state that you will work on it with her and will visit without
|her until she can get her act together.
|u/SpikedScarf - 9 hours
|
|NTA - You should probably message your son and clarify that you
|completely disapprove of the way Naomi is acting, and that you **don't
|mind** ^((don't say you "don't care" because that may be interpreted as
|apathy instead of acceptance)) who he dates as long as he's happy. You
|might also want to include your own personal experiences about your in-
|laws to explain how sympathetic you are towards Dani. I'm sure he
|already knows you feel this way especially with how you defended Dani,
|but it'll be nice that you, someone who he respects is actively
|reaffirming his feelings to be upset at Naomi.
|u/mouseat9 - 9 hours
|
|NTA good on you. I’ve seen people excuse racism because the person
|saying it wasn’t white and I’m like that’s one shitty double standard.
|Your wife will come around if she truly loves her son.
|u/leftymeowz - 9 hours
|
|Not just shitty, but ironic! “Let’s hold this person to a lower moral
|standard because of their race” is a shockingly common take
|u/MsTMac313 - 9 hours
|
|Unbelievable! Naomi has to be around the age of 50 and goes into the
|bedroom crying, looking for sympathy/playing the victim, for being
|Racist!! I'm sure she may have other positive attributes but hopefully
|she opens her pitiful, pathetic eyes before your son completely shuts
|her out of his life. Great job being a supportive and loving dad! NTA
|u/hemlockangelina - 9 hours
|
|NTA-make sure you check in on your son and let him know you’re 1000% in
|his and Dani’s side.
|u/thatSDope88 - 9 hours
|
|NTA. It’s not different. If you’re judging someone by their race or
|skin color it is racist. You can be racist to ALL skin colors. Its a
|very well known stereotype that Asians don’t like black people. It’s
|pretty common. It doesn’t mean it’s okay. No one is “less racist” for
|putting down one race over the other, it’s all racist.
|u/Theraardelia - 9 hours
|
|You are never in the wrong standing against racism.
|u/lavendrea - 9 hours
|
|Asians are some of the most racist motherfuckers I've ever encountered.
|u/Routine_wanderer66 - 8 hours
|
|NTA!!! And Naomi….. this is how you lose you son….(slow clap)
|u/Apprehensive_War9612 - 8 hours
|
|It’s different because Dani is Black and you were white. And even
|though her parents may not have liked the fact that she was with a
|white man, she saw your whiteness as being a step up on the social
|hierarchy. But she looks at as Dani as being beneath her and beneath
|your son. Your wife is, sadly, like alot of non-Black POCs who, even
|though they experience some forma of racism, still view themselves as
|being better than Black people. They believe they have a privilege that
|brings them closer to whiteness and they buy into white supremacy, even
|harder than some white people do. NTA
|u/shinjirarehen - 7 hours
|
|NTA ... but you've been married to a Japanese woman for 30 years and
|never noticed that Japanese culture is deeply, profoundly racist? Like,
|they don't even try to hide it. At all. I say this as someone who
|lived there for years, is fluent in the language, and loves many
|aspects of the culture. You would think your wife, having married a
|non-Japanese and presumably lived in another country herself for a long
|time, would have grown beyond this way of thinking, but unfortunately
|it's extremely deeply rooted. You need to have a come to jesus talk
|with your wife and make it clear she's risking not only her
|relationship with her son, but with you as well.
|u/Diega78 - 7 hours
|
|"It's different"...the age old racist go-to response to ratify their
|vile behaviour. Kyle did good, and you did good for calling her bad
|actions out. I hope your wifes life long indoctrination of racism by
|her parents can be dismantled for the benefit of everyone.
|u/Owls1279 - 10 hours
|
|NTA. Your wife is racist & ignorant. She will lose her son if she
|continues to behave in that manner. I applaud your son’s actions and I
|also applaud your actions.
|u/Proud-Butterfly6622 - 10 hours
|
|I think your wife might be racist against your future, potential DIL.
|I'm so sorry and being that my best friend of 21 years is from Japan, I
|asked her about this post. She said it is actually pretty damn common
|for Japanese people to look down upon black folks. Bizarre right??
|When I asked her why this was she really couldn't really tell me. She
|said she just knows that Japanese folks feel they are one rung above
|black folks (her parents had this attitude she said). So strange to me
|to think this way. Sad☹️
|u/jbarneswilson - 10 hours
|
|NTA lol yeah it’s “different” in the sense that this time the
|particular flavor of racism is rooted in anti-blackness. your wife was
|being a massive AH and i hope she learns from this but i’m not
|optimistic
|u/edwadokun - 9 hours
|
|NTA Oh man. This is very coming among East Asian attitudes towards
|black Americans. You are right for standing with your son. Dani could
|cure cancer and not matter much to your wife sadly
|u/Ok-Bath5825 - 9 hours
|
|So interracial dating is only OK with your wife as long as it is the
|race she likes? SMH. At least you gave that young woman the respect she
|deserves and support your son for being with her
|u/Fantastique_Jacques - 9 hours
|
|NTA. Your wife owes Dani a massive apology and she needs to work on her
|prejudices. Dani is in law school, met your son whilst volunteering. If
|this was my son, I’d be planning a parade for Dani. I’d be so proud.
|u/Few_Zucchini2475 - 9 hours
|
| Japan is a very homogeneous nation. People who are not of Japanese
|ethnicity are not allowed to live in certain areas. My niece went to
|school in Japan and she taught English in Japan and she couldn’t rent
|an apartment in some areas because she’s white. So it’s not completely
|surprising.
|u/Monday0987 - 9 hours
|
|Your wife is crying *for herself* but she isn't the victim here, she is
|the aggressor. She is facing the consequences of her own actions and
|she doesn't like it. She needs to realise that if she can't sort out
|her racism she will lose her son permanently.
|u/GrumpyLump91 - 9 hours
|
|NTA. Sorry, but your wife is a POS and I'm glad Kyle told her to GTFO.
|You need to tell her that the fact that you're still there shows that
|you love her. Otherwise you wouldv'e dumped her racist ass.
|u/Gatodeluna - 9 hours
|
|Do not feel bad. I don’t want to appear racist myself, but it’s very
|well known that the Japanese people as a nation are ‘blood purists,’
|i.e. if you’re not 100% Japanese DNA, you’re seen as less than, looked
|down on, and only tolerated. They hate tourists and close their
|restaurants to them. And they’re not the only Asian country that’s
|racist as a nation. The riots in Los Angeles in 1992 were inflamed by
|the fact that Korean immigrants would buy shops in Black areas and then
|treat Black custoers like dogs because that’s how they view them. So
|many of those shops were burned.
|u/Important-Poem-9747 - 9 hours
|
|NTA for what you said for your wife. You possibly owe Dani an
|apology because you should have called your wife on this years ago. She
|was passive aggressive- which she probably has been for a lot longer
|than Dani- and this is the first time you and Kyle said something. You
|let Kyle think ignoring Naomi’s passive aggressiveness is ok.
|u/lily_pad17 - 9 hours
|
|I think I can offer some insight, I’m a bi-racial black girl (Mexican
|and Black) and have experienced something very similar. It’s widely
|known in my family and friend groups that I like white men. My then
|bf’s father was absolutely not a fan of me. Constantly making ignorant
|racist jokes, and calling me the N word when I wasn’t in his presence.
|Mind you we had been together for 2y at this point. The only thing
|that got through to him was his son sitting him down and expressing
|that if he continued on spewing racism at me he was going to lose his
|son in the process. My then bf also mentioned that if we were to
|progress in our relationship later down the line his father would not
|get the opportunity to know his grand-babies. This was the only that
|got through to him, a little tough love and a difficult discussion is
|the only way.
|u/possum-nips-fupa - 9 hours
|
|As a Black-anese American woman I came here to confirm you're NTA.
|Please kindly ask Naomi to shed her cognitive dissonance. Japanese are
|the most racist. She knows that .
|u/NegativeTrip2133 - 8 hours
|
|Another Self Hating Asian Woman
|u/Pristine_Frame_2066 - 8 hours
|
|Nope. NTA. She needs exposure to people who are not “safe” for her
|bubble. She needs to be told she is racist, and questioned on her
|assumptions. If she is a critical thinker she will get through it and
|come out better. If not..well, I would not be with a racist spouse.
|u/Hazel2468 - 7 hours
|
|NTA You should have been harsh. Your wife is racist. It's "different"
|to her when her parents are racist towards you because she doesn't
|think white people are inherently whatever the hell she thinks black
|people are. Clearly, she thinks racism towards Dani is justified
|because, unlike you, black people really ARE like that in her eyes.
|I'm glad you and Kyle stood up to her. I can't tell you what to do, but
|if I found out someone in my life, wife or not, was this deeply
|bigoted? I'd be done. Your wife is losing her relationship wither her
|son over this at this rate.
|u/Saaji_ - 7 hours
|
|NTA and as a Black woman, I appreciate you taking up Dani and calling
|your wife out on her racism. Your son and Dani probably appreciate it
|more than you know.
|u/Carpenter-_-Fancy - 10 hours
|
|NTA - you didn’t share her horrible view and marriage doesn’t mean your
|partner carte blanch defends/ sides with you, especially in moral
|matters. Tbh I’m glad your wife was up front and put it on the table,
|so that you guys can hopefully work past this and she can become a
|better person. Also happy that you defended your son and his partner,
|they need that kind of person in their lives.
|u/starsinthesky1123 - 10 hours
|
|NTA You did the right thing, and hopefully your wife can process her
|emotions and then you can talk to her about how her behavior was
|unacceptable. You mentioned that her parents didn’t approve of you and
|yet you’re still married and had children, use this as a way to relate
|her behavior to both her parents and your son.
|u/DonkeyRhubarb76 - 9 hours
|
|NTA. The only way people like your wife realise how toxic and
|unacceptable their attitude is, is when they have to face the
|consequences for their intolerance. I'm sorry you're in this situation,
|it can't be pleasant being in your shoes right now but I have huge
|respect for you telling it like it is. I hope you, Kyle and Dani are
|doing ok.
|u/ConfusedAt63 - 9 hours
|
|So proud of you! Maybe use the last bit of your story with your wife,
|if someone had been racist to her yu would have reacted the same way
|your son did.
|u/ParanoidWalnut - 9 hours
|
|NTA. Naomi is racist. I hate to think that she liked the Japanese
|girl because of her own heritage and hates Dani for not being Japanese
|or being lighter skinned. I'm very glad Kyle stood up for his gf
|because Naomi needed that. You did nothing wrong.
|u/Ophy96 - 9 hours
|
|NtA. Not that it makes much of a difference, but is your wife mad
|because Dani is black or because she isn't Japanese?
|u/DanniPSoRude - 9 hours
|
|I don't care if my sons bring home a green Martian! All I need to know
|is if they can cook or are willing to learn because I'm tired of
|getting text messages about lemon pound cake and mac and cheese for
|EVERY HOLIDAY 😭😂
|u/standapokeman - 9 hours
|
|NTA I'm glad you and your son stood up for Dani. I'm Asian and some
|of us are racist af...
|u/blackdicksmatter2_ - 9 hours
|
|Yeah……. She’s racist and doesn’t think Dani is good for her even though
|it sounds like Dani has a lot of good going for herself
|u/MrAlpacaSpit - 9 hours
|
|NTA I don't think you were too harsh. She acted like an ahole when
|Dani confronted her. Good on Dani for calling your wife out. Good on
|you for calling her out too. I hope she comes around. I am Japanese
|American and have subtly racist Japanese parents (and not so subtle
|relatives in Japan). I am low contact with my said relatives for this
|reason, among others. Your wife is definitely risking becoming low
|contact with your (clearly brilliant and a good judge of character)
|son.
|u/Cambyses_daBaller - 9 hours
|
|NTA I applaud your son and you for standing up for Dani. I’ve have
|seen this xenophobia/ racism firsthand on a few instances during my
|travels to Japan. It’s mostly the older crowd, hopefully that nonsense
|fades with their generation. Japan has been stuck in the early 2000’s
|for the last thirty years. I’ll likely never waste more money visiting
|again.
|u/Lifebelifing2023 - 9 hours
|
|Nope… calling a spade a spade is honest and necessary.
|u/PipeInevitable9383 - 9 hours
|
|Nta. Your son defended his partner appropriately. He was too nice to
|his mom. She is racist and she doesn't get treat anyone that way. She
|just ruined her relationship with her son and possibly her other kids.
|u/Dwizz70 - 9 hours
|
|NTA…one thing I’ve always tried to instill in my children is, it
|doesn’t matter who you are or where you’re from…what your race is…you
|always treat others the way you want to be treated! Be kind and
|respectful! Kudos to your son for putting his mother in her place!
|u/paradiseunlocked - 9 hours
|
|NTA - she locked herself in and is crying because she can't argue the
|fact that her behavior was racist and quite gross. Thank you for
|standing up for Dani and not letting that slide. Ignoring this behavior
|enables her hatred. Neither your son nor Dani deserve that. Good luck!
|u/JBMama - 8 hours
|
|Imagine the same situation, but your parents are showing you videos of
|your wife being young and having fun. None of her achievements or kind
|actions matter because she is Japanese. You love her unconditionally,
|but after an amazing dinner your mum tells you how Naomi isn’t good
|enough for you and you know your mum feels this way because Naomi is
|Japanese. You realize that no matter how much you love Naomi, how
|much you are looking forward to having a life with this amazing woman
|who loves you UNCONDITIONALLY… your mum dislikes her now, and will
|probably dislike her forever. Now let’s bring kids into the mix. Your
|son was 100% spot on, so are you.
|u/blonde_Cupid - 8 hours
|
|If your children are close then they may very well go No contact with
|their mother. If I found out that my mother was racist against one of
|my siblings chosen partners I would absolutely cut my mother off! NTA
|she could lose her family.
|u/DrJ_4_2_6 - 7 hours
|
|Unfortunately, as soon as you mentioned your wife was Japanese, I
|wasn't surprised
|u/ShirtPanties - 5 hours
|
|NTA, call your son. Let him know that your wife’s opinions aren’t yours
|and that you support the way he handled the situation. Your wife needs
|to get her head on straight or your son will go no-contact
|u/Hydrocrocodile - 4 hours
|
|NTA .Asian couple wouldnt let their kid play with my son today at the
|park. So excuse me for sounding a bit salty... your wife is a dick
|head.
|u/ArcanaeumGuardianAWC - 4 hours
|
|I'm not going to lie- if my partner did something like this to anyone,
|let alone my child, it would be straight to divorce. You can't argue or
|couples counsel your way into changing their baseline attitudes- all
|you'd do is get them to cover it up, and so you'd always run the risk
|of that person hurting your kids or grandkids as soon as they thought
|they could get away with it. She's not a safe person to be in his life,
|or any of your kids' lives if they have partners or children whose race
|she does not approve of. I would make it clear that you will not allow
|your home to be an unsafe space for them by removing her from it.
|u/DawnShakhar - 3 hours
|
|NTA. Even if Dani really displayed things that indicated a culture your
|wife objected to - e.g. piercings, outlandish clothes, tattoos - your
|wife should have still be polite to her since she is he son's choice.
|But as it is, the only objection to Dani was the color of her skin. And
|your wife didn't even bother to try to hide her feelings and be
|outwardly polite. Both your son and you were absolutely right to call
|her out on it and not ignore it.
|u/BlondBitch91 - 2 hours
|
|NTA. People think Japan is cute because of Pokémon and Hello Kitty.
|It’s known to be an extremely conservative culture. “The nail that
|sticks out must be hammered down”. Your wife went through this to be
|with you, and yet here she is perpetuating it. Love is love. It doesn’t
|pick a colour. (I’m white and married to a Chinese, and thankfully both
|sides were happy about it).
|u/VeilRush - 51 minutes
|
|NTA. My partner is Black, and my Asian family had similar issues. It
|took time and honest conversations to address their biases. Standing up
|for Dani was right, but give Naomi space to reflect. Hopefully, she’ll
|understand how her actions affect her relationship with Kyle and your
|family.
|u/wildpoinsettia - 43 minutes
|
|NTA! And people tell me I'm prejudice when I say yes I live in Japan,
|but I prefer not to date Japanese men. Yes, THEY are open but their
|parents aren't, especially not to me (I'm black from the Caribbean)
|u/Lilac-Roses-Sunsets - 10 hours
|
|NTA. Make sure your son understands that you support him and Dani. Also
|you need to watch your wife and what she says to your younger kids
|about Dani. Your wife is a racist and she may try and sabotage how the
|younger kids feel about Dani. Also it’s possible your wife married you
|for financial reasons and thinks that everyone including you is lesser
|than Japanese.
|u/pandicorn90 - 10 hours
|
|NTA. I am Chinese and married to a black man and we have a biracial
|son. I would cut off my family in a heartbeat if they were ever racist
|to my husband son. I applaud your son for standing up for his
|girlfriend.
|u/Extension_Cheek224 - 10 hours
|
|3rd generation Japanese American here. I have explained to people of
|other races, I felt that the Japanese viewed themselves as the White
|people of Asia. This is evidenced by their history of colonization. If
|you speak to people of different ethnicities, there are usually some
|stereotypes and statuses of other nationalities within their ethnicity.
|I married and had children with a Mexican American woman, and have
|listened to the sniping between Latino groups, as well as Asian.
|u/baskerville_clan - 9 hours
|
|This is fake
|u/CitizenPremier - 5 hours
|
|"Reddit, I stood up against a Japanese woman for racism, AITAH?" >I
|then took the phone to scroll through Dani's instagram. And while she
|did have some videos of her having fun, she also had plenty of
|pictures of her a academic achievements. >Before Dani could answer I
|told my wife Dani is young and having fun. I asked did she see that
|Dani graduated Cum laude or all the times she volunteered. My wife
|looked angry that I would bring that up. Naomi then said that she
|thinks that Dani isn't good enough for our son. How did he scroll
|through the pictures and see that much before Dani could answer? How
|long was Dani sitting silently? OK, maybe she couldn't bring herself
|to answer, but: >Dani then asked why Naomi loved Kyle's ex so much.
|So wait, Kyle told Dani in depth about how much his mom loved his ex
|girlfriend? And he told him that before Dani even met his mom?
|Really? Why did they have that conversation? Why wasn't OP
|surprised that Dani already knew about how his wife adored his son's
|previous girlfriend?
|u/Dutch_Van_Der_Linde - 7 hours
|
|It’s so fake it goes to another school.
|u/SuperDuperObviousAlt - 4 hours
|
|In canada
|u/bigboog1 - 5 hours
|
|You mean the urban black law student didn’t meet the half Japanese
|medical student at a soup kitchen?!? And then OP didn’t JUST NOW
|figure out his wife of 30 YEARS, doesn’t like certain races?
|u/greg19735 - 5 hours
|
|my favorite > while looking for a place and this week they finally
|found one. So they invited us over for dinner. >Dani cooked soul
|food and this stuff was amazing. So they were staying in an Airbnb
|looking for a place to live. Finally found a place THIS WEEK and
|then had someone over for dinner already? within a week. AND SHE
|MADE SOUL FOOD?! In the best case scenario you find a place on
|day 0. Then you may get the place a few days later. You're not
|hosting within a week. And then she makes soul food? Like if she
|made fried chicken, maybe i guess you can get away with it. It's
|possible. but if you call it soul food you need the whole meal. The
|kind of meal that takes days to plan. Most people haven't even
|unpacked their shit. And she's cooking entire meals? bullshit.
|u/StrongWater55 - 2 hours
|
|One thing I've learnt is people don't always do what you expect
|them to, they can often do the opposite, so I learnt to stop
|assuming so much, I'm often amazed at the stupidity of some and
|their irrational acts but life just keeps on giving
|u/anon715566121 - 3 hours
|
|Definitely fits the cookie cutter Ai generated stories by brand new
|accounts trying to farm karma
|u/baskerville_clan - 2 hours
|
|I hate race baity shit like this. We already have racial tension in
|this country, and now we got this dumbass ass highly upvoted post
|encouraging more Asian-Black people conflict with some white guy in
|the middle playing the Saint. And dumbass Redditors writing
|paragraphs about how racist Japanese people are. Great 💯
|u/im_juice_lee - 2 hours
|
|Can't believe I had to scroll this far to see this and with so few
|upvotes...
|u/yueh26 - 10 hours
|
|NTA
|u/OttersAreCute215 - 10 hours
|
|NTA Your wife is upset that you, your son and your son’s girlfriend
|called her out on her racism
|u/SoMoistlyMoist - 10 hours
|
|Your wife's blatant racism and hypocrisy is going to cost her the
|relationship with her son. She's going to fuck around and find out.
|u/ZephNightingale - 10 hours
|
|NTA. You and your son were totally right in how you responded.
|u/music-addict1 - 10 hours
|
|NTA 😭 racist behavior needs to be called out no matter who it is
|u/MysteriousTopic42 - 10 hours
|
|NTA- tell your son good job & thank you for both for standing up for
|Dani
|u/TheRealMemonty - 10 hours
|
|NTA. Your wife is a racist.
|u/Tigerzof1 - 10 hours
|
|NTA. I’m Asian; my family raised me to be open to everyone. Good on you
|for sticking up for your son and his gf
|u/stevensimmons87 - 10 hours
|
|Soooo your wife is ok with y'all being together but not with your son
|in a relationship. That's odd
|u/Aggressive-Story3671 - 9 hours
|
|That’s because it’s anti blackness. Not just garden variety racism
|u/Token_or_TolkienuPOS - 9 hours
|
|Yes because OP is white. It's not about interracial mixing with her,
|it's just mixing with the "wrong or bad" colour. It's not odd in
|*her* eyes
|u/Butterbean-queen - 10 hours
|
|NTA- she’s a racist and she needs to be called out about it. I’m proud
|of you and your son.
|u/BeautifuIMiss - 10 hours
|
|You were honest with her about her actions, and sometimes that’s hard
|to hear. It seems like you were just defending Dani, and I can
|understand why you felt you had to say something.
|u/Things_ArentWorking - 9 hours
|
|You're good. You're golden.
|u/awillett11111 - 9 hours
|
|You are NTA and keep thinking about your son. He must feel blindsided,
|embarrassed and unbelievably hurt.
|u/FreshLiterature - 9 hours
|
|I have friends who are Vietnamese, Korean, and Japanese. I have heard
|from each of them at various times how their parents would freak out if
|it came out who they were dating. And I mean even just a Vietnamese
|girl dating a Korean. It would be a major problem on both sides.
|Asians are notoriously racist.
|u/Callan_LXIX - 9 hours
|
|Smell me just became aware of her racism and the conflict in that and
|the hypocrisy is glaring her in the face, her tears are her own fruit
|of the contradictions as well as hopefully a bit of shame. She needs to
|wrap her head around the reality of what she said and did and where it
|came from in her own heart and work herself out of it.
|u/mellomacho - 9 hours
|
|Your wife just received a hard lessons in the form of consequences for
|her behaviour. You did the right thing. You saw the whole picture of
|Dani, both the good and the bad and didn't emphasize one over the
|other. You nor your son chose Dani over her, you are merely reacting
|to your wife's behaviour. It's a tough lesson to reveal how you
|think and to be rejected by the one's you love, but it's a necessary
|one. She's crying because she knows she's wrong. She'll either heal
|and change or she'll bury these negative thoughts. The fact that she
|cried about it makes me think she won't double down. Society spews a
|lot of hidden racial stuff and it's hard to shake, but if we want
|things to be better we have to be better to each other. Also, you
|taught your son well.
|u/Ok_Economics4552 - 9 hours
|
|Not the A Your wife got a huge reality check. Prejudice has no excuse.
|u/Foxy_locksy1704 - 9 hours
|
|NTA. Dani sounds like a wonderful young woman, spends her time
|volunteering with those in need, graduating with honors, going on to
|law school! The sort of person any parent should be happy to have their
|child bring home. I’m sorry your wife is destroying her relationship
|with your son for such a stupid (racist) reason.
|u/Psychological_Tea646 - 9 hours
|
|NTA- Glad your son stood his ground for Dani. However please have a
|serious talk with your wife, if skin color is an issue for her.
|Especially given Dani has many great attributes about her.
|u/Ok_Watch_8681 - 9 hours
|
|Updateme
|u/For_Femdom_Fun - 9 hours
|
|The most racist cultures I’ve ever encountered our Asians, and the most
|racist of the Asians are the Japanese.
|u/Throwway_queer - 9 hours
|
|NTA Massive props for defending your sons partner and blatantly
|telling your wife she is, absolutely undeniably, being racist.
|u/FusciaSunsets - 9 hours
|
|NTA at all. Updateme
|u/weeb2242 - 9 hours
|
|NTA! Your wife is racist, and you saw it and called her out on it.
|u/1password23 - 9 hours
|
|NTA. I dated a medical student who was black. My hispanic dad, who
|never gave an indication of his racism before, threatened to disown me
|if I ended up marrying him. It absolutely gutted me. If you can in any
|way convince your wife to see her wrongs, a million kudos to you. And
|you should be proud of yourself for how you pushed back. There's really
|no pretty way to stand up against something as ugly as racism.
|u/DivineTarot - 9 hours
|
|NTA Doesn't matter that she's your wife, she was wrong in a toxic,
|racist, and borderline abusive to her son fashion. Her son has met an
|amazing woman who deserves respect for what she's achieved in life,
|doesn't deserve to be treated like crap because she's not all pantsuits
|and high heels. Meanwhile, your wife is expecting respect for her awful
|views either because she's your wife or your sons mother.
|u/AgentMaryland2020 - 9 hours
|
|NTA - Don't feel bad for her, she was 100% being racist and just wants
|her kid to be with a Japanese partner.
|u/BOOKjunkie000 - 9 hours
|
|NTA
|u/BeforeThymes - 9 hours
|
|Very much NTA. And on top of that, good on your son for standing up to
|his ma. That can be hard as hell to do.
|u/GES68 - 9 hours
|
|Your wife sounds horrible. You should divorce her ass.
|u/LonelyFlounder4406 - 9 hours
|
|NTAH… 2 things I glad for. 1.putting his wife in place 2.complementing
|sons girlfriend when he could
|u/Jorgelovestacos - 9 hours
|
|NTA. And tell your dumbass wife it’s exactly the same with her parents
|being fucking racist. No difference.
|u/superwholockian62 - 9 hours
|
|NTA Yall need to keep calling her on her bullshit.
|u/orlov_vitalijgv9vc - 8 hours
|
|NTA. You were just calling out what was obvious — your wife was being
|unfair and racist. You didn’t overreact; you defended Dani when your
|wife was being disrespectful.
|u/impasseable - 8 hours
|
|There's no way you didn't already know your wife is a racist asshole.
|It's just affecting you now.
|u/Mcgill1cutty - 7 hours
|
|Your son was right for doing what he did, and you were right for
|calling her out on it. Hopefully she can see the error of her ways.
|u/DeryniMagic38 - 7 hours
|
|NTA - Your wife was wrong 100% in this situation. It was good for Dani
|to see you stand up for her. It's also good for her to see Kyle stand
|up for her. She is acting just like her parents.
|u/Green_Communicator58 - 7 hours
|
|NTA.
|u/Ten_Toed_Sloth - 7 hours
|
|NTA And good job on how your raised your son. You should be proud!
|u/SurewhynotAZ - 7 hours
|
|Ummmmmmmmm..... No! NTA and here are some awards. 🏆🏆🏆🏆🏆🏆 It's a
|difficult situation to be in, but you stood in defense of your son and
|his partner of choice. Not liking a brilliant young woman who is
|equally matched with your son because she is Black is heartbreaking.
|If your son marries that young lady and they have children, your wife
|is going to need to adjust. A lot. She can start now.
|u/Popular-Parsnip8911 - 7 hours
|
|NTA. Your wife is a racist and a hypocrite. Continue supporting your
|son and stand your ground. Your wife is a disgusting human who is also
|manipulative too for crying.
|u/MotivationGaShinderu - 6 hours
|
|This story hits every stereotype like a checkbox, and everyone eats it
|up. Yes YTA because you're bad at making up random stories about racism
|when plenty of real ones exist that should be discussed.
|u/KarlKills9817 - 6 hours
|
|The truth hurts but I pray this realization can humble her to be more
|accepting of Dani for your son's sake. Perhaps you can show her the
|similarities of your situation against her parents seeming the same as
|how she's viewing Dani and perhaps that might help her in understanding
|how your son is likely feeling about it. Edit: NTA
|u/KittenAndTheQuil - 6 hours
|
|NTA I would keep visiting your son and Dani and let your wife be
|miserable alone. I have a friend with a mom like that. It was so
|against her culture her parents threatened her husband's LIFE. They
|came around and accepted them. Now my friend's mom is trying to ARRANGE
|a marriage for him and is LIVID if he talks to a girl of his choice.
|u/Ok_Passage_6242 - 6 hours
|
|Your son was justified in what he said to her. If you’re asking if
|you’re the asshole because you feel like you were too harsh to her, it
|depends on what you wanted the outcome to be. She’s in the bedroom,
|crying, not having a constructive conversation with you regarding her
|racism. But I can see why you were hrash with her. It’s incredibly
|disappointing to find out she is a hypocrite. This is something you
|want her to work through. I don’t know if the same approach will help.
|It sounds like it didn’t help with her parents.
|u/russtyy_shackleford - 6 hours
|
|NTA no offense but, fuck your racist ass wife
|u/notaforumbot - 4 hours
|
|Not an AH. I'm a Chinese immigrant in America. I've been here most of
|my life and I'm currently 50+. Asians are super racists. They just
|aren't violent racists like American racists. They are more passive
|racists. I'm surprised you haven't discovered this in over 30 years of
|marriage. What were you talking about all this time?
|u/emosn0tdead - 3 hours
|
|One of my best Japanese friends married a Filipino girl. When they
|started dating his mom did nothing but trash talk her to me and their
|family. Their wedding photos are pretty funny because Mom looks pissed
|the entire time.
|u/IsabellaLilyyy - 3 hours
|
| I'm concerning, Naomi needs to understand that love transcends color
|and stereotypes. Open communication is key here.
|u/Confident-Sense2785 - 3 hours
|
|NTA my nan (black) was a racist bitch to my mum ( who is white ) But my
|nan loved her mixed race grand kids, made us feel like we were so
|special. My dad told my nan either shut the fuck up or she won't see
|the grand kids. My nan shut the fuck up and was nice to my mum
|occasionally. If she had anything to say certain times she looked like
|she was dying to say something. If your wife loves her kid she will
|suck it up and let go of her racist views.
|u/Zerodyne_Sin - 2 hours
|
|NTA. My wife is Japanese but is quite liberal compared to the average
|Japanese person. She couldn't stand how conservative and suffocating
|it was back in Japan and travelled the world until she ended up here in
|Canada. I love her but she is damn racist lol. I always call her
|out on it and it's definitely something culturally programmed (imo, due
|to high ranking imperialists having control over textbooks and the
|media). She never digs her heels in when I point it out because she
|understands she has blind spots due to the aforementioned cultural
|programming. Hoping that she eventually develops a sense of her wrong
|preconceptions (not just negative, there's also a lot of "toxic
|positive racism"). In any case, I think it's better to call it out and
|it's ridiculous that she wanted you to back her up on this.
|u/DelightfulWahine - 8 hours
|
|Hell no, you're not the asshole - you're finally calling out the racist
|bullshit that's been simmering under the surface! Let me break this
|down real talk style: 1. Your wife pulled up INSTAGRAM at a DINNER
|PARTY to try to shame and humiliate your son's girlfriend? That's not
|just racist, that's straight-up mean girl behavior from a grown-ass
|woman who should know better. 2. Let's call out this double standard:
|- Japanese ex with multiple boyfriends on social media? No problem! -
|Black woman who graduated cum laude, volunteers, and is in LAW SCHOOL?
|"Not good enough" Come on, we all know what that's about. 3. "So
|what?" SO WHAT? Your wife straight up admitted to being racist and
|expected you to back her play? Hell no. The audacity of expecting you
|to defend that garbage take is astronomical. 4. Now she's crying and
|playing victim after: - Insulting your future daughter-in-law -
|Disrespecting your son's choices - Being openly racist - Getting called
|out on her BS Here's the truth bomb: Your wife got a taste of her own
|medicine and doesn't like how it tastes. She experienced racism from
|her parents about you being white, but now she's turning around and
|doing the EXACT SAME THING to Dani? That's not just hypocritical - it's
|a special kind of messed up. Your son handled it like a champ telling
|her to get out. You handled it right by calling her out. The only thing
|you could've done better was shutting this nonsense down the FIRST time
|she showed her prejudice. And let's be real - she's not crying because
|she's sorry. She's crying because she got called out and faced
|consequences for her actions. She needs to do some serious self-
|reflection about why she thinks it's "different" when she does it.
|Stand your ground. Back your son. Support Dani. And tell your wife she
|either needs to check her racism at the door or get ready for a lot
|more lonely dinners, because this kind of behavior isn't just wrong -
|it's going to cost her her relationship with her son. And for what?
|Because a successful, educated young woman who makes your son happy
|wears hoop earrings? Get real.
|u/manykeets - 7 hours
|
|Nta. My dad is Japanese. He was always really racist against black
|people and flew into a rage at the suggestion of one of his children
|dating one. Then my brother married a black woman. Over time, my dad
|came to love her. He sees her as his own daughter and would do anything
|for her. And he adores my brother’s mixed kids. When my brother and his
|wife got a divorce later, my dad was mad as hell at the way my brother
|treated his ex-wife and went off on him. He’s still close to her to
|this day and brags about what a great mom she is. I’m sharing that
|because it is possible for people to change. Maybe your wife can be
|reached and come to accept your son’s girlfriend over time.
|u/JimboD42069 - 9 hours
|
|This is either so fake or one of the dumbest questions I’ve ever read
|in this subreddit.
|u/Bimmer9721 - 10 hours
|
|Nope NTA.
|u/Drthicks - 7 hours
|
|As a black woman I know why your wife sees marrying white man much
|different than her son marrying a black woman. She considered being
|with you marrying up and a black woman marrying down. We are taught
|from day one that we must work harder be... 10 times better to be even
|considered a possibility. It has always amazed me that people of color
|who have benefited from Reorganizing for civil rights and social
|Justice hate us And accept The cultural hegemony of racism. All that
|to say you've raised an amazing son. Be proud.
|u/chzeman - 10 hours
|
|NTA. Absolutely, positively, NOT the asshole. Your wife sure is.
|u/Afflictions-0899 - 10 hours
|
|NTA. You’re were super straight when you saw it for what it was and
|called it.
|u/Upper-Light-5307 - 10 hours
|
|Nope you are not the ahole. Good on you!
|u/AuggieKT - 10 hours
|
|NTA. You pointed out her hypocrisy, and you were right to do so. I
|applaud you and your son for pointing out how unacceptable Naomi’s
|behavior is, and I sincerely hope she does some reflecting and
|apologizes to Dani. Dani didn’t deserve that, and neither did your son.
|Even if she does apologize, it will take a long time for her to regain
|their trust, and it will have to be coupled with genuine action to make
|amends. I commend you, and y’all obviously raised a good son…but your
|wife has some soul searching to do. She does owe them an apology.
|u/Radiohead559 - 10 hours
|
|Your wife is repeating what her parents did to you. How can someone
|(your wife)not see that? She's hurting her son just like her parents
|hurt her. Sorry, but after 30 years married, you didn't know how
|ignorant your wife is?
|u/ixvix - 10 hours
|
|Went through something similar with my wife's parents (Chinese). They
|didn't acknowledge my existence for the first 6 months, then the
|following 2 years I was simply a "roommate" then a "friend". I should
|mention that it was my wife's little brother, whom they treat like a
|king went mental at them for judging me without having even met me and
|stating that I'm an amazing guy. 10 years later and we all get along
|splendidly. Sometimes you get lucky, sometimes you don't. NTA of
|course. But take the time to call your son and let him know he's done
|well in life and his partner is wonderful. That will go a looong way.
|u/Dangerous-Name-220 - 10 hours
|
|Nta I hope your wife realizes that she turning into her parents.
|u/No-Quiet-8956 - 10 hours
|
|How exactly is it different? nta your wife on the other hand… smh
|u/peridothiker - 9 hours
|
|NTA I’m sorry you are married to and your son’s mother is a racist.
|u/Able_Sentence_1873 - 9 hours
|
|NTA for sll the reasons others have stated. Would love an update on
|this. Always hoping people reflect and better themselves. Seems like
|she was kind of surprised by her own level of racism as well.
|u/mustang19671967 - 9 hours
|
|To many culture are like this. Good for you not letting your wife pull
|Her bs . The problem is you will Have to make a big choice . You will
|Get invites to things your wife won’t
|u/iamthatspecialgirl - 9 hours
|
|Both you and your son stood up against racism. Naomi better get on
|board or get left (out by her son). NTA.
|u/Aggravating-Boot9034 - 9 hours
|
|NTA but your wife is a major asshole! Your wife is racist and a
|hypocrite, and she deserves what she got.
|u/aguyinthenorth - 9 hours
|
|I'd suggest counseling. Might help her become self aware of her racist
|thinking and work towards changing. Changing one's beliefs takes time
|especially if she thinks she is right.
|u/DodgyRedditor - 9 hours
|
|NTA Why is your wife crying, exactly? Because her son kicked her out?
|Because she feels shocked at everyone’s response? Because she feels
|guilty? Because she feels her son is going down the dark path? (pun not
|intended)
|u/pixelbunnii- - 9 hours
|
|NTA but your wife definitely is, idk how she got a good husband and son
|like you two but im glad to hear a story where they finally stood up
|for the black girl and doesnt let it slide.
|u/checkmate508 - 9 hours
|
|Written by ai?
|u/bhyellow - 9 hours
|
|This is fake.
|u/spectral_fall - 8 hours
|
|Stop seeking validation on Reddit. You have been with this woman for 30
|years. You should know if you screwed up or not
|u/EndNo4852 - 8 hours
|
|Somehow, “twerking in public” still came outta left field when reading.
|u/wingnuta72 - 7 hours
|
|I swear every post on this subreddit is pure fiction.
|u/Any-Ad8449 - 7 hours
|
|NTA. Wow! I’m glad Kyle has you as a father. She is racist. I’ve seen
|Asians do this - uphold the ideologies of colonization and white
|supremacy. They think their proximity to whiteness will make them white
|(e.g. marrying a white person). As an Asian, I’m appalled. Surprised?
|No. But no matter how many examples I see, I’m still appalled. I broke
|up with a person I was dating when they made anti-Black comments. I’m
|not sure what advice I can give you to move forward. But this is one of
|my redline.
|u/bboon55 - 7 hours
|
|I have a beautiful adopted black daughter and if someone treated her
|like that I would slap them silly. Sorry your wife is racist. I’ve
|heard the Japanese can be pretty ethnocentric. You are NTA. I hope
|things work out in time.
|u/MaapuSeeSore - 7 hours
|
|Oh man, as an Asian , born and raised in the US but parents aren’t
|This is a hard pill to swallow and your experience is something many
|Asian family with split generations growing up with different
|environment . They grew up in a homogenous environment , little to no
|blacks found , so exposure during youth is nil. The culture of
|homogeneity, conformity, “don’t rock the boat”, “ the mark that sticks
|out gets the hammer” , also means relationship are also
|rigid/homogenous , date those like you . Extremely deep rooted, and
|difficult to fix . It requires a fuckkkkk ton of introspection, facing
|guilt, facing angry, facing their upbringing/parents/family/friends ,
|facing their culture, etc NTA If I was your son , I would be so
|proud , “ That’s my dad” The words “ unconditional love” come into my
|mind. Esp compared to my reality
|u/annburts - 7 hours
|
|Why is it that black women have to always prove themselves with a
|resume? She graduated cum laude, honors, law school etc. I get that we
|all want our children to do well and not be sapped on by anyone but how
|about trusting your son to pick someone that is best for him. Thank you
|for standing up for what’s right. Your wife is racist and will push her
|son away. I certainly hope your 30 years of marriage can prove to her
|that despite deferences, love can conquer.
|u/Equal_Audience_3415 - 7 hours
|
|NTA. If she doesn't get her heart and head screwed on straight, she
|could miss seeing future grandchildren.
|u/FigTechnical8043 - 7 hours
|
|I've been in the position of hated for my skin colour. I'm white but
|my husband was half saudi half indonesian. On our wedding day he told
|his mum (indonesian muslim) that he didn't need sex advice because, at
|30ish I was not a virgin. He never mentioned he was not a virgin.
|From that moment he racism towards me was very evident and she got
|ruder the longer she had to wait for children. We never had any and
|her son probably never will because he's borderline asexual. He never
|defended me to her, never moved out and pretty much chucked me under
|the bus any time he needed to. The day we broke up she didn't contest
|it, she initiated Islamic rules of no contact and happily pretended I
|never happened. If your wife is crying then at least she is
|reflecting on it. My dad liked my ex so much that when I left him I
|had to cut my dad off too because I realised my dad had essentially
|been dating us the whole 14 years and coming over for weekly playdates
|on days we could have been on dates or something. Since cutting off my
|dad and getting a divorce and new bf, my life has been much better and
|I cut off my mom 20 years ago, so warn your wife the mother role can
|be removed. Either she wakes up to her racism or expect to be
|blacklisted because once her son snaps there isn't always a return
|later.
|u/PrudentFinger1749 - 7 hours
|
|I would say, this is a learning moment for her. She can choose to be
|racist and have friction with her son for the rest of their life. Or
|she can learn about other cultures and try to start respecting the
|differences than generalizing people based on skin color or ethnicity.
|u/Few-Music7739 - 6 hours
|
|NTA. I'm a South Asian dating a White man and it's absolutely true that
|a lot of people don't see the racism within themselves. It's amazing
|that you and Kyle stood up for Dani. I grew up getting horrible
|comments on my skin tone and appearance growing up and it always heals
|me to see people sticking up for women of color and especially those of
|us with dark skin. On the other hand, I'm so sorry that this is how
|you find out the not-so-pleasant aspects of your wife's personality.
|Don't forget to take care of yourself and get therapy if that's what
|you need to process how YOU feel about this.
|u/Signal-Fold-449 - 6 hours
|
|NTA obviously. I think you're wife is smart enough to know she's in the
|wrong when the two men in her life called her out on her racism. She's
|probably in distress at the realization. Be gentle with her, see if
|she learns anything from the situation. She'll either double down on
|racism or become a better person. You can guide her to the loving path.
|u/BadWolf7426 - 6 hours
|
|>Dani then said it's evident the reason Naomi doesn't like her is
|because of her race. Dani is ready for the "no, I'm not racist"
|protestations. >Naomi doubled down and said so what. I did nazi that
|coming. So what? She actually said "so what" like it's OK to be
|racist/bigoted in this the year 2024, almost 2025? >I've never heard
|Kyle even disrespect his mother but he told her to get the fuck out.
|Naomi left crying. There are several MIL from hell subreddits. Kyle
|has what they call a shiny spine. He loves his mom but she will NOT be
|permitted to disrespect his partner. >Her parents didn't like me
|because I was white. >She just said it's different Nope. Bigotry is
|bigotry, whether it's Asian against white, white against Black, or
|whatever combination of hate-filled jerks thinking themselves superior
|to whatever other group. Naomi is on her way to losing a son and
|whatever grandchildren Kyle may have. Whether they're from Dani or not.
|He'll remember her casual racism.
|u/Radiatethe88 - 6 hours
|
|I have seen a lot of racist Asians. Even amongst themselves.
|u/Dry-Ad5703 - 6 hours
|
|NTA - good on you
|u/Ok_Effect_5287 - 6 hours
|
|NTA but if she doesn't change and you stay with her you'll hardly see
|your son or grandchildren.
|u/llamapajamaa - 6 hours
|
|Don't feel bad for her. Plenty of Asian people are anti-Black and Kyle
|and you did the right thing.
|u/ryanim0sity - 6 hours
|
|NTA. Racism is racism brother.
|u/RunawayDaydreamer - 6 hours
|
|Nope. NTA. At all. Glad you checked her, because that behavior is
|uncalled for. She needs to sit with her own thoughts. If her parents
|are racist, it was clearly taught. But it needs to be unlearned. The
|girl is about to be a lawyer. She's educated, kind and makes your son
|happy, clearly. Tell your wife she better get her act together before
|her son cuts her out of his life.
|u/TheAsianTroll - 6 hours
|
|NTA. My mom straight up told me that, when she was pregnant with my
|sister, she almost had no choice but to leave Korea because no one
|would accept her raising a half-white baby. Asians are fuckin racist
|dude. Nip it in the bud whenever you can.
|u/RafflesiaArnoldii - 6 hours
|
|NTA Your wife's gotta be shown that this is not ok before it
|permanently breaks her relationship with your son. You'd be doing no
|one a favor by coddling her inappropiate behavior. It's just plain
|depressing to see how not even graduating with honors & constantly
|volunteering could seem to save the poor girl from being judged for her
|appearance. If being this super accompished goody 2 shoes isnt enough
|what hope do ordinary people have? Talk about awful and unfair.
|u/Tylorw09 - 6 hours
|
|Man, what a racist fucking bitch. Destroying her relationship with her
|son because she can’t stand the color of a woman’s skin. Fucking
|loser.
|u/Onlyhere_4dogs - 5 hours
|
|Also props to the son for doing everything right: he heard both sides
|of the issue, determined Naomi was DEAD WRONG then told her to leave
|without putting gasoline on the fire. He stood by Dani and it was
|beautiful
|u/DocCharlesXavier - 5 hours
|
|A subsection of Asian women really buy into the white is right thought
|process where they fetishize white people. And they we’ll openly speak
|down on other races even the male counterpart of their own I’ve legit
|only heard of East Asian women openly being like “I won’t date an Asian
|man.” This shit is so heavily prevalent and sad that they have lost
|any self respect
|u/eskiabo - 5 hours
|
|NTA. Your wife isn't just as racist as her parents. She is more racist.
|She experienced what her parents did to you and decided it was a family
|tradition that she wanted to continue.
|u/Beneficial_War_1365 - 5 hours
|
|Let me add more to this story. I married a Japanese and talk about
|Racism?? It runs deep and when you marry into a Japanese Family, you
|also Marry the Family. The only reason I was able to marry my EX-WIFE
|because the mother GAVE permission to the daughders to date outside of
|the Japanese RACE. Because there was NOT a Japanese man good enough for
|her daughters. This could go on for hours but yes I tasted serious
|shite because of the marriage. On top of it, I Majored in Asian
|countries and have a serious background in Japanese culture. So I was
|not walking blindly into the marriage too. peace. :) racism runs
|deep in Asain cultures
|u/Hi_ImTrashsu - 5 hours
|
|Son is dating a cum laude that goes on to pursue law school, is
|attractive, and can cook great home meals. But your wife is worried
|about the skin color. Man.
|u/WeedNinja14 - 5 hours
|
|No you sir are not the problem. This black guy applauds tf out of you
|and your son for standing up to her. You definitely got lucky. I dated
|a white girl who thought it was okay to say the N word because it was
|in a song, or because she wasn’t ’talking to me.’ I say you are a true
|hero here and so is Kyle 🙌🏾
|u/Bulky-Cauliflower921 - 5 hours
|
|NTA hard truth - many asian and asian americans are racist, they
|love (and fetishize) white people but are racist towards others , sadly
|even self hate their own tbh if you had a daughter, odds on favorite
|Naomi would act this same racist way if the daughter was dating an
|asian man. she'd only be happy with a white man there is some messed
|up stuff in the asian american community that no one talks about, but
|its there.
|u/Aeons80 - 5 hours
|
|Nope, as a white dude, we gotta start calling people out when we see
|racism. Even if we love them. Your wife is definitely the asshole. Ask
|her why it's different than you and her. I'd love to hear that logic.
|u/MasterHavik - 5 hours
|
|Oh no a black girl that is having fun while being successful. I don't
|get racists and will never get them. NTA OP
|u/Sartres_Roommate - 5 hours
|
|Of course she was racist. You are not the ahole for pointing that out.
|Of course her reaction was to that was also normal. Nothing wrong
|with being how you were raised. It only becomes a “you” problem once
|you realize how you were raised was wrong and you must start the
|journey to fixing the problem. It’s a hard journey and won’t happen
|overnight but be kind and your wife can and will grow. Ask your son
|(and his gf) to be kind to. She can change but not if you do it too
|confrontational and blame her with anger and recrimination. Good
|luck, Dani sounds like a hella of catch.
|u/_le_slap - 4 hours
|
|You did the right thing but don't give up on your wife. My wife is
|Asian. I'm black. Her mom hated me at first but she came around. I was
|more understanding than most. Don't expect that of Dani tho.
|u/ArtProdigy - 4 hours
|
|Applause to you [Dad], medical residency son [Kyle], and stunning law
|student girlfriend [Dani]... YOU 3 ARE AWESOME! Let Naomi stay behind
|closed doors to think about her hateful racist character & harm-filled
|actions.
|u/Individual_Piglet218 - 4 hours
|
|NTA, but OP i am curious how you've been married for 30 years and it
|has never once before come to your attention that Naomi has a clear
|prejudice toward Black people? i feel she has to have at least hinted
|at it over the years? bc if you're only confronting her about her
|racism bc now it directly impacts your family, i think that's
|definitely a little shitty just in general
|u/Usual-Worry8412 - 4 hours
|
|Yikes, there are huge cultural differences here, not just casual racist
|attitude but cultural misogyny engrained in your wife's mind about how
|a woman should dress and behave which seemed to be the much bigger
|issue for her than colour of skin. A neutrally minded therapist and
|mediator is probably a good idea if you want to move forwards.
|u/my_screen_name_sucks - 4 hours
|
|My dude how did you know this woman for so long and not know she was
|racist against Black people? It’s very unlikely that she was able to
|hide it that long.
|u/MaisieMoo27 - 3 hours
|
|Japan is an extremely racist country and has a very strong culture of
|racism (they call it nationalism, but basically Japan is superior to
|everyone/thing). This is often masked by the culture of hospitality and
|politeness.
|u/Miniteshi - 3 hours
|
|I can sense Kyle will end up cutting off his own mum if she doesn't
|change her ways. I find that this sort of racism can be" inherited"
|through previous generations. Being Indian, my dad always said to me,
|you can date whoever you want as long as they weren't Pakistani or
|Black. For me, that really struck a nerve because they chose to leave
|their home country and start a new life in a Western country.
|Needless to say, I grew up, did my own thing and never looked back.
|Whilst I respect my parents as parents, I make my own decisions, I live
|my own life. Sounds like your wife will end up losing her son over
|this.
|u/amandae143 - 3 hours
|
|NTA. In fact, we need more people exactly like you. Your wife sucks for
|this. I’m so glad you stood up for your son and his girlfriend.
|u/stargal81 - 3 hours
|
|I'm curious, what's the *real* reason that she's crying? Is it really
|just bcuz he kicked her out? Or used the f-bomb? Cuz it sounds like
|there's something else maybe going on, that's she's really afraid will
|happen if he stays with her. How does she think this is different from
|when it was you & her parents. How does she think this woman "isn't
|good enough"? She's gonna have to accept that he's staying with his gf,
|& may even get married someday. If she doesn't learn to deal with
|whatever she's got going on inside her, she could lose her son &
|potential grandchildren. Which will also affect *your* relationship
|with them as well.
|u/Techn0ght - 3 hours
|
|You can either coddle her with lies or tell her the truth. Apparently
|she wants to believe she's in the right no matter how racist she is.
|u/BadassBokoblinPsycho - 3 hours
|
|NTA. Your wife is obviously in the wrong here. Hopefully she can figure
|that stuff out.
|