|
########################################################################
|u/Sensibleqt314 - 8 hours
|
|*"I don't know, sis."*
|u/Bilibond - 6 hours
|
|"we need to tell Mom and Dad first"
|u/just_anotha_fam - 4 hours
|
|Would have turned into the longest elevator ride ever for the other
|people.
|u/Liteo97 - 4 hours
|
|I bet they are going to follow them to hear the conclusion,
|missing their floor 🗿
|u/PontiffSlayer - 1 hour
|
|Legend says some of those people in the elevator are still
|processing what they witnessed to this day!
|u/JumplikeBeans - 3 hours
|
|Just say *”oh I think this is my floor”* Then hit the emergency
|stop, prise the doors open and climb through whatever gap is
|viable.
|u/steveistheman88 - 3 hours
|
|Imagine the awkward silence, pure gold.
|u/SerCiddy - 3 hours
|
|Ya'll go for incest for the shock factor. I'd go for the "I'll
|tell her after the [clearly 7-9 months pregnant] abortion" for the
|shock factor.
|u/xbmdx1 - 1 hour
|
|I think that warrants some strong reactions rather than awkward
|silence I guess
|u/SHOULD_THIS_BE_IN_GW - 3 hours
|
|Better get their story straight before they find out!
|u/crashingtorrent - 4 hours
|
|Oh man, I did this with a friend a couple years back. We met up for
|lunch and the waiter assumed we were dating and she piped up and said
|"That's my brother." He was embarrassed and quickly apologized. Well,
|naturally I had to make this worse. I took her hand and said "But I
|thought what we had last night was special." Dude didn't look either
|one of us in the eye for the rest of out time there. We *lost it*
|after we left.
|u/baelrog - 3 hours
|
|Definitely sibling energy there.
|u/crashingtorrent - 3 hours
|
|Well I have known her for like 12 years, so yeah that tracks.
|u/naastynoodle - 6 hours
|
|hahahaha fuck
|u/herrau - 5 hours
|
|They already did, that’s why she’s pregnant.
|u/howsmytyping143 - 4 hours
|
|Missed opportunity
|u/TulleQK - 3 hours
|
|Don't tell me what to do
|u/Dangerous_Ad9248 - 6 hours
|
|Perfect!
|u/Anticode - 4 hours
|
|A while back I was standing in a packed restaurant's waiting area with
|that era's girlfriend latched onto me lovingly. Bored as hell and
|characteristically edgy, I'm mentally rolling my eyes through a
|smalltalk-fueled conversation initiated by an older couple who wanted
|to remark upon our cuteness together or whatever. "So, how'd you two
|meet?" The older woman asks. Girlfriend begins to reply on our
|behalf, far more engaged with this kind of interaction that I could
|ever manage, "Oh... Well, it's kind of a weird story, b--..."
|"Sister." I blurt out for some godforsaken reason, cutting her off
|completely. All three of them just silently turn their heads in my
|direction, each one somehow too perplexed to even know what kind of
|expression I deserve yet. Frankly, I'm still processing it too.
|"...P-Pardon?" The older woman mutters, squinting cautiously in the
|hope that I didn't just say what I definitely did. I wince
|internally, then commit. "Oh, y'know how it goes!" I say nonchalantly,
|certain that this woman absolutely does *not* know how 'it' goes, "We
|grew up together like anyone else, but after mom passed on, one thing
|led to another and, well... It felt right, so here we are!" Instead
|of replying, the older woman just starts squinting just a *biiit*
|harder while tilting her head on a glacially slow but persistent axis
|like some kind of freshly concussed barn owl or some shit. The plane
|of the lady's face has nearly completed its slow transit towards a
|full-blown 90 degrees by the time my girlfriend finally realizes what
|the fuck I just implied. She shoves herself out from beneath my arm,
|suddenly disinterested in that kind of socially-appropriate physical
|contact. "Wow, that is *not* true!" She blurts far more nervously
|than reassuringly, "He's just making a dumb joke!" she adds
|unhelpfully. The woman and her husband just seamlessly swap their odd
|expressions from me to her in perfect sync, but they don't speak yet,
|somehow more suspicious of her clarification than my totally unhinged
|fabrication. I fail to hide my smirk, "Oh, babe! Don't be
|embarrassed. We talked about this, remember?" I say, arms wide to
|offer a hug. Girlfriend's face snaps in my direction, eyes furious
|but expression draped in abject horror. "What are you even *talking*
|about?" she pleads with upturned palms. "You're the one that wanted
|to be more open about *Us*. It's okay we're in love, I promise." I say
|convincingly soothingly, leaning hard into it despite feeling like a
|*complete* fuckin' sociopath at this point. Girlfriend just stammers
|wordlessly, apparently struggling to say a dozen things at once but
|mostly just coming across more like a frazzled robot that got tricked
|into trying to process a sneaky logical paradox. The woman's husband
|seems as confused as anyone but still helpfully tosses a metaphorical
|life-raft into the mix anyway. He tries to chime in supportively, "Oh!
|Well... That's... That's *probably* fine!" He says entirely
|unconvincingly, widening his eyes towards his still-stunned wife,
|"Right, dear?" "Oh yes!" She says suddenly alert, cheery like a
|hostage. "You love who you love!" Both of them are now clearly on the
|same page, eager to get the hell out of whatever this cursed
|conversation somehow just turned into. Girlfriend tries again,
|astounded by the scene, "You guys know he's *joking*, right? Haha..."
|A nervous gulp, "S-Seriously! *None* of that's true. We met last
|summer!" The woman and husband flash her a sad, sympathetic look.
|They clearly believe they're looking at someone in deep denial of
|their embarrassingly revealed taboo. "It'll be okay, honey. I'm sure
|it's not easy." the woman says, genuinely enough. She drops a quick
|boilerplate farewell, backing away even before we reply, "It was nice
|meeting you two!" They slink politely away from us with the cautious
|haste of escaped captives, very clearly now preferring to just wait
|for their table number outside in the bitter cold. I choose to stand
|there nonchalantly as if nothing of note just happened in that
|conversation because I've got no clue what the fuck else to do, but I
|may as well be whistling innocently in that old stereotypically guilty
|way. I can feel her quietly glaring daggers into the side of my face
|for more than a full minute straight. I know the longer I wait for her
|to figure out what to even say about all this, the harder it'll be for
|me to diffuse this girl-shaped explosive warhead. "Don't worry, babe.
|My real sister isn't as good in bed as you." I say playfully for some
|reason, suddenly unsure if she actually even knows I don't *have* a
|sister. And I'm not entirely sure how adding even *more* dark humor
|to the shitshow is supposed to make anything better, even in the
|moment, but it's basically the only thing I keep in my poorly-stocked
|toolbox at this point in life so I don't have a lot of options here...
|"What the *fuck*, bro." She says instead of laughing, appropriately
|enough. Uh-oh. Not usually a *great* sign when a partner suddenly
|calls you 'bro' for the first time, I note. I open my mouth to
|apologize for the embarrassment or explain that it was intended to be
|funny, they're just strangers anyway, or something like that, but she
|cuts me off at the pass before I get a chance to make things worse.
|She growls in the process of storming out, "I'm going home." Uh-
|oh... I echo. It's also not typically a good sign when a partner
|storms out of a restaurant for the first time either, I theorize. I
|just stand around for a bit as if still waiting for the table, very
|slowly coming to the conclusion that I *might* have made a bit of a
|bad call here... Um. Oops?
|u/yourparadigm - 4 hours
|
|Don't worry, she isn't the one.
|u/queen-of-storms - 4 hours
|
|What a ride
|u/7Dayss - 3 hours
|
|Oh man, replying with "bro" should've been her turnaround on the
|joke, but no, she had to make it awkward. I'd have laughed my head
|off in her place, but I guess there is a reason she is your ex.
|u/Anticode - 2 hours
|
|Holy shit. It only *just* hit me that I missed a craaazy chance
|for some kind of ricochet trickshot pun right at the worst
|possible moment. Somehow I didn't even realize her choice of
|verbiage was possibly the most ironic colloquialism she could've
|gone for there either, even as I'm retelling the damn thing...
|Probably on account of feeling actively crucified while being
|face-to-face with what I assumed was some kind of unanticipated
|breakup, but still. I'm actually kind of disappointed with my
|past self for not replying to "what the fuck, bro" with "sorry,
|sis" or something.
|u/Anakletos - 2 hours
|
|Did you break up over this? Lmao.
|u/Anticode - 1 hour
|
|This *specifically*? Nah. This kind of *thing*? ^...Maybe.
|u/whistleridge - 5 hours
|
|“Don’t you think it’s kinda awkward for me to just announce that there
|were too many men at the party for you to know who the father was like
|that? Don’t you at least want to pretend he left you instead?”
|u/macvoice - 7 hours
|
|It wasn't in an elevator, but my parents went to see the play Annie when
|I was little. While there, they decided to come back with my sisters
|and I in a few days. So when the show was over, they went to the box
|office to get the tickets. The guy in the booth said, "You must have
|really liked the show." My dad then said, "My girlfriend and I loved it
|so much that I thought I would bring the wife and kids next week." He
|said that the cashier froze for a second before beginning to stumble
|over his words. My dad DID let him in on.
|u/Remarkable_Cup3630 - 6 hours
|
|My parents got remarried for their 30th anniversary. So one day
|leading up to it my dad went to the jewelry store to pick out another
|ring, with my very obviously pregnant sister. The teller was giving
|them some dirty looks until my sister said "mom will like that one".
|u/ndab71 - 3 hours
|
|"I don't care if your mom will like it, do *you* like it?"
|u/dizasstre777 - 11 hours
|
|I'd like a wife like that
|u/Very_Tall_Burglar - 8 hours
|
|Id just settle for a wife, but here we are
|u/Afillatedcarbon - 7 hours
|
|Mate id be lucky to get anyone
|u/Very_Tall_Burglar - 7 hours
|
|Im getting worried how relatable my comment is. Hey on the
|plus side, androids are making big moves? Eyy chin up you and me
|will get one of those terminator wives. At least when those
|snap they dont slowly poison you over weeks. you just get a mac 10
|to the fourhead while you sleep
|u/Why_Did_Bodie_Die - 5 hours
|
|I'm 37 and married because I was lucky enough to trick someone
|15 years ago in to being with me. At this point she has invested
|to much time to leave now so I'm probably ok. But if she did
|leave me or died or something there is no way in hell I would
|ever find anyone else. I wouldn't even know where to start. I
|have never done the online dating thing but I can't imagine I
|would do well. I really got to be there face to far in order to
|trick someone into liking me. If all I could do is post a
|picture and write a short paragraph about how cool I am there is
|no way I would ever get laid or even get a date.
|u/JaceyD - 1 minute
|
|Dear sorcerer... share me the tricks of your magic please...
|u/Afillatedcarbon - 7 hours
|
|Now that sounds fun, I might get a 2B model
|u/indiansprite5315 - 6 hours
|
|Count me in,I'd want one too.
|u/thevigilante473 - 6 hours
|
|Me and the boys, aged 70, lining up to buy the newest robo
|waifu lmao
|u/From_Madagascar - 4 hours
|
|At least you know you’d get a good story!
|u/bautofdi - 7 hours
|
|Nah have to pick the right one. The wrong one and you might end up
|going postal.
|u/Very_Tall_Burglar - 7 hours
|
|Im a step ahead of you on that one bossman
|u/No_Look24 - 6 hours
|
|r/suicidebywords
|u/Very_Tall_Burglar - 6 hours
|
|Yea that was the joke man, try and keep up
|u/free_30_day_trial - 6 hours
|
|Don't just settle...
|u/Sardothien12 - 6 hours
|
|How about a husband?
|u/Emrys7777 - 4 hours
|
|Hell I’d take either if it was a good one.
|u/Useful_Note3837 - 4 hours
|
|How tall are you? And are you actually a burglar? (I’m tall and not
|a burglar but no wife)
|u/Don_Gately_ - 7 hours
|
|We were in an elevator in Quebec and a French couple came up to my mom
|and started talking to her in French. She nodded, listened for like a
|full minute, then said Oui Oui and closed the door on them.
|u/Ferwatch01 - 4 hours
|
|oui oui, le baguette ***SLAM***
|u/EloeOmoe - 6 hours
|
|My wife has done something similar to this but we both ruined the gag
|for everyone when we burst out laughing.
|u/buttfarts7 - 5 hours
|
|Be careful asking for such a savage prankster. Knowing she can bust
|out like that would be an absolute roller coaster of an existence. So
|out of left field too, you won't ever see it coming until your getting
|steamrolled. I saw another clip on reddit of a farmer getting
|repeatedly rammed off his ass in the sheep enclosure in various
|incidents by a powerful ram and I imagine being married to her would
|be something like that.
|u/OffTheMerchandise - 4 hours
|
|When me and my wife got our wedding rings, we got a warranty on then
|that would cover any repairs as long as we got inspections on them
|every 6 months. Whenever we go in for the inspections, they will try
|to sell us on more jewelry. I make a game of trying to make it
|uncomfortable whenever they make their pitch. I've definitely played
|the sidepiece card.
|u/m--e - 4 hours
|
|My wife isn’t like that, but her husband is.
|u/ToichiMaibo - 10 hours
|
|That man’s soul left his body before the elevator even reached the next
|floor
|u/prof_devilsadvocate - 11 hours
|
|Elevator here, can confirm!
|u/nextlandia - 11 hours
|
|Baby inside the woman here, can confirm!
|u/Doesitmatters369 - 11 hours
|
|i also choose this woman.
|u/Ebon1fly - 11 hours
|
|most reddity thread I've ever seen
|u/cfgy78mk - 10 hours
|
|you're the 4th comment. you getting obliterated by downvotes
|would make it peak reddit whilst also proving your point.
|u/Ebon1fly - 10 hours
|
|Truly the reddit moment
|u/V-Lenin - 7 hours
|
|A moment of all time
|u/Stuffies2022 - 3 hours
|
|Literally a moment ever
|u/PsyOpBunnyHop - 10 hours
|
|I am the door close button. There are yet details that remain
|unspoken, but you get the gist.
|u/LifelessHawk - 7 hours
|
|Other man’s wife here, our divorce confirms
|u/CollapseBy2022 - 6 hours
|
|Pile of energy, atoms and information here, can confirm!
|u/MotorboatinPorcupine - 5 hours
|
|Username does NOT check out Professor
|u/Gullible_Pin_8971 - 10 hours
|
|this is peak chaotic mom energy, we need more women like her 😂
|u/tmb8220 - 7 hours
|
|We really do.
|u/Shalltry - 2 hours
|
|Bot
|u/Ford9863 - 7 hours
|
|My wife and I were at the grocery store once and went to the alcohol
|section. My wife saw it was crowded, so on the way in she loudly said,
|"I can't believe you're making me go in the alcohol aisle when you know
|I'm in AA." Obviously untrue but boy, it drew some looks.
|u/Repulsive_Check_1950 - 7 hours
|
|Elevator in Vegas, as 4 guys were exiting i asked my wife how much was
|this going to cost
|u/nurse_loves_job - 6 hours
|
|Lol.
|u/Fun_Cup4335 - 1 hour
|
|We were in Vegas (we are Aussies) there were 9 of us in the
|elevator. We are all white. The elevator stops and 3 blacks guys
|want to come in. They decide not to, because it’s so full and like
|105 degrees, but we were all like “come in, join us in the oven”.
|They came in and after about 30 seconds one of them says “it’s good
|to cook a bit of beef with the chicken “, it took us a moment to get
|it, but once we did you could have heard the eruption of laughter
|over Adele I reckon 😂😂😂
|u/Defiant_Client6578 - 7 hours
|
|When I was about 8 months along, my husband and I were in an elevator at
|a hotel and it had a large stain on the floor that looked like water.
|When someone else got in, I really wanted to say, "Don't worry, it
|wasn't me," but I kept it in. I still regret not making that joke now 4
|years later.
|u/FancyJesse - 6 hours
|
|Lol, for what it's worth, that's a good one
|u/Ok_Web_7745 - 10 hours
|
|"Depends, when are you going to mention me to your fiancè"
|u/Radiant_Limit3334 - 9 hours
|
|Similar elevator story. A buddy of mine pretended to be on the phone
|with his gf when he says, “what!? You’re pregnant?? Guess you’ll never
|be hearing from me again.” Same awkward silence but with way more looks
|of disgust.
|u/calmclamcum - 7 hours
|
|Why does he lrank himself?
|u/LivnLegndNeedsEggs - 3 hours
|
|If we can't have a sense of humor about ourselves, we don't deserve
|one
|u/autoadman - 14 minutes
|
|It's not about pranking. It's about enshittifying other people's
|day.
|u/Rough_Papaya9577 - 10 hours
|
|I would have replied " she already knows... after all you did give me
|herpes and I gave them to her"
|u/Useless_bum81 - 7 hours
|
|I'd have gone with "when you tell your husband"
|u/monkeyDberzerk - 7 hours
|
|"shouldn't we tell mom and dad first?"
|u/Hour_Ad5398 - 6 hours
|
|"shouldn't you tell your brother first"
|u/wanttolovewanttolive - 3 hours
|
|I don't feel like this line alone will do it. You gotta lean in
|heavier, "After we finish letting your brother know it's not
|his."
|u/Hour_Ad5398 - 3 hours
|
|If we're trying to lean in heavier, we might as well switch
|brother with father
|u/wanttolovewanttolive - 3 hours
|
|Sure, why not. "You're dad has a right to know it's not
|his, first" just before stepping off the elevator when it
|reaches their floor lol
|u/The-truth-hurts1 - 6 hours
|
|“.. gave them to your mother”
|u/dwrecksizzle - 5 hours
|
|On an airplane shuttle. Wife and baby sit in open seat in front, I stand
|in back. Baby is crying and crying. I go, “hey lady, you wanna shut
|that kid up?” The look of pure venom I got from everyone on that bus
|until she goes “my husband, he thinks he’s funny” I do. It was.
|u/Chevalric - 3 hours
|
|Don’t let anyone ever tell you otherwise! 🤣
|u/Even-Education-4608 - 7 hours
|
|Me and my best guy friend used to play out dramas on the bus when we
|were teenagers. We’d pretend I just found out I was pregnant or
|something and have a big loud fight and then get off and burst out
|laughing. Real mature I know!
|u/vanishinghitchhiker - 6 hours
|
|I had a buddy in high school I did that with, though having a plot and
|making an exit was a little too advanced for us. We’d just kind of
|holler “oh yeah?” “well fine then!” at each other for a minute or so
|and then crack up, so anyone who wasn’t staring at us for the yelling
|would stare at us for the laughing. Not enough games on our phones I
|guess lol
|u/JoePumaGourdBivouac - 7 hours
|
|Y’all sound fun
|u/fukkdisshitt - 6 hours
|
|My gf and i from my teen years use to goof around like that. I loved
|playing the total piece of shit because the occasional adult would
|blow up, then we'd laugh about it later
|u/Dreadnorart - 8 hours
|
|"Sorry, sister, I won't."
|u/matthieu-kr - 7 hours
|
|“When you tell your husband it’s not his.”
|u/Total_Atmosphere1800 - 7 hours
|
|This reminds me of the time that my then-girlfriend had dental surgery
|and her face was all swollen up. We weren't living together, but she
|came to my place to recover. We went to Walgreens to get some popsicles
|for her. At the register, she jokingly said "I'm sorry. I won't disagree
|with you again." I was stunned. I told her that she can't joke about
|that. Then I told the cashier that I'll go wait outside. I gave the
|cashier my ID and said "Call the cops if you think anything bad
|happened. I'm going outside because I don't want my girlfriend to be
|scared of telling the truth." I don't know what she told the cashier,
|but when she came outside, I told her that she can't joke about that.
|Yeah, that relationship didn't last. She had a great sense of humor but
|just awful judgment in that scenario.
|u/MuchToDoAboutNothin - 5 hours
|
|An ex boyfriend told me about playing racquetball with his previous
|girlfriend - which the sport occasionally results in accidental whacks
|on other players with the racquets. He clocked her good on the thigh
|once, and she made a point to wear miniskirts whenever possible and
|tell people he beats her while it was healing. She was a real bitch
|for more than that. I've had a few embarrassing moments having to
|try to convince medical personnel that bruises on me were consensual
|(they were, just unfortunately timed fun before
|surgeries/examinations.)
|u/Total_Atmosphere1800 - 5 hours
|
|You know... I'm glad that medical personnel was annoying. I know it
|sucks when you're in that position, but you're going through that
|for the benefit of people who actually are victims. I know you know
|that.
|u/Total_Atmosphere1800 - 5 hours
|
|Also...as awful as it would have been for me, I wish that cashier
|would have been more aggressively questioning what was going on.
|u/MuchToDoAboutNothin - 5 hours
|
|It is good, and it does definitely does need to happen. And I
|have had to answer, "no it wasn't a car accident, it's domestic
|violence but I got out" for my own face before. That was from my
|mother, not a boyfriend, though.
|u/Total_Atmosphere1800 - 5 hours
|
|I'm sorry you had to go through that. That's awful.
|u/Hazel_Nut_666 - 2 hours
|
|Yeah, no wonder it didn’t last - if a guy I was dating made such a
|fuss over a joke I’d dump him too. Holy fuck, dude, you two were
|obviously incompatible 🐟 Yeah, domestic abuse ain’t funny, same as
|suicide for example. I had experience with both, so I know. Domestic
|abuse and suicide jokes though? Fucking laugh riot when done right.
|u/theotherthinker - 2 hours
|
|If she's on your side, she'll get you out of trouble. If she wanted
|you in trouble, you were already fucked.
|u/Irelia4Life - 2 hours
|
|My mom, in her infinite wisdom, has once put 2 sacks of cement in a
|wheelbarrow and climb on them to pick up peaches. She fell from it,
|down all the way to the basement stairs. Luckily she didn't get
|injured but she had so many bruises she looked beaten up. We then went
|to the pool as a family. You can imagine the looks my dad got.
|u/Dependent_Basis_8092 - 4 hours
|
|I’d have probably went with “she’s just kidding, she had dental
|surgery, I make sure not to leave any visible marks when I beat her.”
|u/DikPix4Jesus - 4 hours
|
|The ol' sack of oranges to the ribs
|u/snivey_old_twat - 4 hours
|
|The relationship probably didn't last because you're clearly the
|fucking worst. Uptight and boring. "I was stunned. I gave the
|cashier my ID and told her to call the cops if herrrdaderr." "I
|was stunned". Unbelievable. You let a beautiful soul go, dumbass.
|u/Total_Atmosphere1800 - 4 hours
|
|Not sure this clown response warrants a reaction, but I'll bite. If
|you think domestic abuse is a funny joke, I hope you hit a toe on a
|piece of furniture every day.
|u/KJBenson - 4 hours
|
|Talk about domestic violence…
|u/snivey_old_twat - 4 hours
|
|Anything can be funny. Your ex, for example, was very funny.
|You though are the human equivalent of the daily stubbed toe you
|wished on me. You are a pizza burn of the roof of the worlds
|mouth. You are the opposite of Batman.
|u/Total_Atmosphere1800 - 3 hours
|
|Ha! That's actually such a clever insult. Also, now I want to
|know what the opposite of Batman is. Manbat? It is I. Wayne
|Bruce.
|u/pmyatit - 3 hours
|
|Yeah he's the typical boring "fun at parties" Redditor lol, no sense
|of humour. Girl's better off
|u/Langsamkoenig - 6 hours
|
|Turn it around: "Mary, we talked about this, my wife is also you. You
|have multiple personality disorder."
|u/MuffDivers2_ - 5 hours
|
|My bro didn’t have to say anything. He worked as an intern for the Ryan
|Seacrest show. He is on set and had to hold in a mean ass fart. Bro is a
|6 foot greek dude eating Gyros with yogurt sauce and he is lactose
|intolerant. He gets on an empty elevator to leave for the night and
|finally gets to rip ass. He let’s it rip and just hears. “What the
|fuck!” I have no idea how, but he did not see the other person in the
|elevator. Either he was exhausted or the guy was to the left front by
|the buttons and he missed him. It was rank and they had to ride down a
|lot of floors together basking in it. More people hopping on each floor
|down they went. They ended his internship 2 days later.
|u/roseoflila - 10 hours
|
|Double-down and yell “the baby is coming!”
|u/eyupjammy - 6 hours
|
|I was in an elevator with my paraplegic housemate mate. He was acting
|like he couldn’t reach the buttons, as another man ran to the elevator I
|stepped back and didn’t press any buttons. My housemate kept trying as
|the man stepped in. Housemate turned to me and said ‘why are you such a
|bitch, come do this’ to which I shouted ‘I want a baby and you’ve failed
|me’ the stranger pressed the button for the next floor and stood looking
|at the door, hardly breathing, only to run as soon as the doors opened.
|u/Dear_Lab_2270 - 6 hours
|
|Was at Walmart with my very pregnant wife. We're standing in the sofa
|aisle and she farts, it doesn't smell and doesn't stink, I didn't even
|notice. She starts laughing hysterically and I ask her what's so funny.
|She leans in and between breaths says "I farted". Then continues to
|laugh harder and harder until she is literally in tears. I'm completely
|dumbfounded as she's never laughed at farts before. She tries explaining
|between laughs with giant gasps filling the in-between. From what I
|can gather she has a funny thought and then farted and the two combined
|was an absolute riot. I glance down the aisle and bug burly red neck
|glances up from his soda shoppe ng to see my pregnant wife doubled over
|crying and gasping for air. He immediately puts the soda down and starts
|"big guy" walking towards us. I grab my wife and stand her upright and
|say "there's a guy coming to heat my ass, you need to get a grip for
|just a second." Usually I love making her laugh that hard, but it felt
|like a bad time. She sees the guy halfway to us and grabs her belly and
|laughs like Santa, calming down to normal laugh. The guy realizes shes
|having a laugh and stops his pursuit. Eventually she simmers to a
|giggle and explains the joke. Unfortunately the only memory of the event
|was almost getting my ass beat over a funny fart but I do recall when
|she explained what made her laugh, it was pretty funny.
|u/CrazyOnPowder - 5 hours
|
|Dude, this is the funniest comment in a while, I’m trying to keep
|quiet in the hospital waiting room, but “grab her belly and laughs
|like Santa” almost had me rolling
|u/CharnamelessOne - 7 hours
|
|"Well, it would only be fair if you introduced me to the father of your
|child then, and I don't want to meet each of the 12 candidates."
|u/NickWildeSimp1 - 7 hours
|
|That’s the kind of humor I’d want in a wife lol.
|u/Dr_Sauropod_MD - 7 hours
|
|My go-to is "so money on the dresser then?"
|u/needmorepepper - 5 hours
|
|My ostomy bag is about to explode.
|u/Dexember69 - 7 hours
|
|Haha that's pretty good. My dad does similar shit to my mother, at the
|grocery store and she'll pick something up and he'll loudly exclaim 'no
|honey we can't afford that, we have your rehab bills" etc..
|u/Trumpologist - 6 hours
|
|Is…he still alive?
|u/Dexember69 - 4 hours
|
|Amazingly yes. I'm 41 and he still shouts at me that I have to hold
|his hand to cross the road if we're out and about. Or he'll pull the
|handbrake on the car when I'm trying to park, or tag us in the back
|of the neck with the dog collar while we're watching tv He's a
|menace
|u/iSeize - 7 hours
|
|How does one not just laugh at that?
|u/GargantuanGreenGoats - 6 hours
|
|“As soon as we tell mom and dad”.
|u/drumsripdrummer - 5 hours
|
|The last full elevator I was in, I said, "Do you think we're over the
|400 lb weight limit?".
|u/fel0ni0usm0nk - 5 hours
|
|“We only have to wait a couple months. The chemo isn’t working.”
|u/Whoopsy-381 - 4 hours
|
|“I dunno Sis. You know how upset Cousin Jane will get.”
|u/WhippitsForBreakfast - 5 hours
|
|I got in an elevator with my grandma once. There was someone already in
|there who asked us what floor. After I answered my grandmother said
|"you're like the old elevator men. Just the wrong color". Slowest 2
|floors I've ever experienced
|u/milesamsterdam - 5 hours
|
|My ex girlfriend stood up too fast from the toilet and passed out. She
|hit her face on the tub and gave herself a black eye and road rash on
|her forehead. We were leaving an ice cream shop and when I went to open
|the door for her she flinched and said, “Don’t hurt me!” I was like,
|“You’re such an asshole!” It was funny as fuck but damn she had that
|planned.
|u/Far_Emu_2972 - 7 hours
|
|Love that sense of humor!
|u/gin_and_toxic - 7 hours
|
|Wish he would just play along and say something weird too. "She knows
|now, and she might try to steal the baby someday..."
|u/JaySayMayday - 6 hours
|
|*Maybe after the second one?*
|u/Dangerous_Ad9248 - 6 hours
|
|Mom is ruthless!!
|u/driving_andflying - 7 hours
|
|"....When we figure out if that's my child you're carrying. If it's
|mine, I'll say, 'Honey, I got your twin sister pregnant again.'"
|u/caixalogins - 7 hours
|
|Did something like this to my wife...a couple of times... -We were
|shopping lingerie and went to the counter to pay and I said the I would
|pay even thow someone else would get to see it first - while doing an
|ultrassonografy while she was pregnant, the nurse adressed me as the dad
|and I told her that I was not the dad, just the husband of the pregbant
|u/InnocentBowlOfRamen - 7 hours
|
|"You mean haven't told your sister yet?"
|u/mid50smodern - 5 hours
|
|My grandpa did something similar back in the 40s when grandma was very
|pregnant with my mom. They were in a crowded elevator, like shoulder to
|shoulder crowded. "We should get married someday," my grandpa said.
|u/pawnticket - 5 hours
|
|My mom and her friend were on an elevator in Vegas going down when the
|elevator stops along the way. Two huge guys enter and push my mom and
|her friend to the side while another couple of guys get on and stand in
|the back behind to two huge guys. One guy yells “Hit the floor
|bitches!” My mom and her friend both drop to the floor when the guy
|starts laughing just like Eddie Murphy. Hee Hee Hee Turns out it was
|Eddie Murphy and he was just fucking with them. The big guys were his
|body guards.
|u/Witty_Ticket_4101 - 7 hours
|
|I’d be calling for a new heart after that! 😅
|u/kcinlive - 7 hours
|
|Dang! She’s awesome!
|u/Yamemai - 7 hours
|
|Shoulda responded with, "She already knows. I told you we were off to
|meet her."
|u/jessyaksj765 - 7 hours
|
|hahah. Made my day lol
|u/Ok_Psychology_504 - 6 hours
|
|Look honey, it's not my fault your brother got you pregnant, we already
|talked about this.
|u/buxomemmanuellespig - 6 hours
|
|Next level punk’d 🙏
|u/64590949354397548569 - 6 hours
|
|Did he tell his wife?
|u/DeceivousSausage - 6 hours
|
|JumpKicker’s mom is cool asf.
|u/WatashiwaNobodyDesu - 6 hours
|
|“I’m waiting to tell my gf first”
|u/trzanboy - 6 hours
|
|Hahahaha. Love this. My go to after a large exhale, “god. I really
|have to fart.”
|u/EmperorJared - 6 hours
|
|Bros heart was beating faster than Usain bolt
|u/DerekWroteThis - 6 hours
|
|“I don’t know. When are you going to tell your husband the child isn’t
|his?”
|u/dot-com-rash - 6 hours
|
|Go watch infrabren vids. Master of awkward elevator situations
|u/owlblvd - 6 hours
|
|"when you tell your husband the baby isnt his"
|u/official_binchicken - 6 hours
|
|Best response would be like let's talk about it tonight after the
|abortion.
|u/Logical-Shoulder-122 - 6 hours
|
|lol! Good one!!!
|u/mikeinnsw - 5 hours
|
|# You farted !
|u/ReceivedDamaged - 5 hours
|
|"As soon as you tell our parents" he replied.
|u/Ok-Heart-7084 - 5 hours
|
|"come on sis, this conversation again?"
|u/HombreSinPais - 5 hours
|
|Just look really angry and say “who farted?!?!”
|u/mctankles - 5 hours
|
|“Should have said when our father wants them to know sis”
|u/skibbin - 5 hours
|
|and that man's name: Dave Grohl
|u/Nouseriously - 5 hours
|
|"She's your sister"
|u/BrightWubs22 - 5 hours
|
|u/JumpKicker
|u/MarkFromHutch - 5 hours
|
|Personally I'd go with, "That cheddar broccoli soup was probably a
|mistake"
|u/Top_Conversation1652 - 5 hours
|
|I had a coworker who would always say “Love you too, Mom” whenever he
|hung up the phone with a boss or coworker. His standard elevator was to
|“Elevator”, then say that and immediately hang up. He had one coworker
|in particular he’d cuss out regularly (for fun), so sometimes it would
|be. “Yeah well, I’m gonna come over there, beat you to death and piss
|on your face. What a little bitch. Elevator. Love you too mom”.
|u/miketherealist - 4 hours
|
|Sorry folks. It was me that farted.
|u/Shadowthron8 - 4 hours
|
|🤣
|u/PM_ME_Happy_Thinks - 4 hours
|
|When are *you* going to tell your husband?
|u/CSpanks7 - 4 hours
|
|“As soon as you get that abortion you fatass” woulda made it hostile
|u/chrislemasters - 4 hours
|
|Every time my wife and I happen to drive separately to an event or
|restaurant, I always shout as she walks to her car “Next time, you
|better makes sure the kids have their shoes! I’m not buying new shoes
|every time they are at my place!” Ah, good times….
|u/Paneavi - 4 hours
|
|Epic level prankster. Dad deserves an award for endurance
|u/Durutti1936 - 4 hours
|
|Brilliant!
|u/zxxQQz - 4 hours
|
|Thats hilarious, nice!😂💯☀️
|u/TastiSqueeze - 3 hours
|
|Just as soon as you tell your husband. :)
|u/Quiet_Army2525 - 3 hours
|
|Ha! I like passing gas loudly in a enclosed room full of strangers
|u/Small_Confidence_397 - 3 hours
|
|Mad respect to your mom, she’s got the ultimate savage mom energy 😂🙌
|u/somebadlemonade - 3 hours
|
|Now that's a good damned keeper. . .
|u/StandardisedStandard - 3 hours
|
|"Lemme just call her real quick"
|u/FriendRaven1 - 3 hours
|
|Not long ago my wife and I were walking by a children's clothing store.
|The place was kind of busy and the doors were open, so I said to my wife
|a little louder than necessary, "it's not my kid, I don't care what you
|do with it! Stop following me!" She was embarrassed, but once we were
|sufficiently far away we both laughed out loud. When we were dating,
|and early in the marriage (25 years ago), we'd be walking somewhere we'd
|occasionally nudge the other into groups of people, telephone poles,
|garbage cans, whatever. One time she got me good when I struck a warning
|sign pole, slipped off the curb, and fell against the front bumper of a
|car, setting off the alarm. I so love this woman.
|u/VRRifter - 3 hours
|
|This story has been going around for at least 30 years. The elevator is
|a nice variation though usually it’s a bus.
|u/Interesting-Top6148 - 3 hours
|
|Kkkkkkkkkkkk
|u/throwitofftheboat - 3 hours
|
|“We’ll get there, sweetheart”
|u/Ohmyfuzzy69 - 3 hours
|
|When my girlfriend gave birth to our daughter I got put in charge of
|taking her to our car in her car seat. Well the elevator stopped one
|floor down, and a few older ladies got on. They were all in their late
|70s. I put my daughter down and all the women were gushing over her and
|I looked at em straight faced , and was like yeah I'm a recall agent the
|parents weren't happy with the offspring I'm here to take her back to
|the agency and dispose of her..... The faces those old ladies had
|priceless 😂
|u/rmumford - 3 hours
|
|I feel like that is a lucky guy; we all want to be with someone that
|wickedly good with their humor.
|u/Plastic-Benefit-7035 - 3 hours
|
|OMG the chaos this would cause 😭😂 absolute queen for pulling that off!
|u/TomcatOnFIRE - 3 hours
|
|“I told you I would after the abortion”
|u/thronewhey - 2 hours
|
|It's a difficult angle to bant with, but there must be a quality quip to
|follow, too. "If you'd stop charging me by the hour...." "What your
|step-mother doesn't know won't hurt her..." "Telling my wife might
|jeopardize your job as our therapist."
|u/WoopsieDaisies123 - 2 hours
|
|“Depends what color the baby is,” I’d have responded. 6 hours later in
|the shower.
|u/AgainandBack - 2 hours
|
|“As soon as you’re old enough to get married.”
|u/bcluvin - 2 hours
|
|super packed bus my friend was standing right next to me, top of my
|lungs i yell don't touch me there. The shear look of terror on his
|face...
|u/RobotDrugs0101 - 2 hours
|
|I was once in an elevator at a hospital with my pops and we were riding
|down. A family got in the elevator and I looked him dead in the eye and
|said "Dad , why didn't you ever touch me ? " And it was the most awkward
|but hilarious moment.The look on those poor peoples faces.
|u/Lou_C_Fer - 2 hours
|
|Best I have is in a crowded elevator after a cleveland cavaliers game, I
|looked at my buddy and said, "I've never been this gassy in my life!" He
|talked about that for over a decade. I haven't seen him since 2016. I'll
|bet it's the first thing he mentions if I see him again.
|u/EnvironmentalArm6557 - 2 hours
|
|I planted a bomb in this elevator because I disagree with your political
|affiliation.
|u/TracyMinOB - 2 hours
|
|OMG. LOL When hubby and I were on our way to Vegas to get married, we
|stopped in Texas for a few days and went to his nephew's high school
|graduation. ( Our families were also coming to Vegas for the ceremony)
|Hubby had an old account in a bank there with a few hundred dollars left
|in it. So we stopped by to close the account. As we were standing at
|the counter and the teller is looking up the account, hubby turns to me
|and says " wanna go to Vegas tomorrow and get married?" I shrugged and
|said OK. The tellers face.... her jaw dropped, her eyes bulged, she
|froze.... She turned to her co workers and yelled out what we said.
|They all came over looking incredulous. I couldn't hold it after that.
|I cracked up. We came clean.
|u/viirtualcutie - 2 hours
|
|That elevator ride probably aged him like 10 years instantly 😭 Mom’s got
|some chaotic energy
|u/Fit-Personality-1834 - 2 hours
|
|lol. Last year my wife and I got into an elevator at a Fred Meyer (2
|floor grocerer) with some random guy and I, first into the elevator,
|held the door for him and said what floor. He said 2nd (only option) and
|I laughed and said “just joking” and hit the button. Glared at me, got
|off with us on the second floor (and only other floor), and I haven’t
|bothered a stranger since.
|u/Techn0ght - 1 hour
|
|"She's **your** twin, you should have told her by now."
|u/allcretansareliars - 1 hour
|
|We were on a train back from London late one night. Announcer comes on:
|"Shortly the refreshments trolley will be coming down the train. Please
|keep the aisle clear as it is a very dangerous trolley and we don't want
|the operator to be injured". The trolley turns up, so we start taking
|the piss a bit, shying away and saying things like "Argh, it's the
|danger trolley". The guy pulling it gestures at the ceiling and says
|"That's my missus, I keep asking her not to do that".
|u/Odys - 1 hour
|
|I would have answered something like: "I'm more worried that my
|girlfriend finds out about you. Besides that, we are still not sure if
|the child isn't your father's".
|u/SspeshalK - 1 hour
|
|I was once in an elevator in London with some people I worked with. One
|of the guys was quite old and had been off work for a while with some
|sort of chronic chest infection. He was doing okay and came back. He
|was updating someone on how he was doing. The elevator stopped on a
|different floor and someone we didn’t know got in just as he said “I’m
|still left with this infection but they’ve told me I’m no longer
|contagious”. He got out pretty quick.
|u/Sorry_Consequence816 - 1 hour
|
|My cousin and his wife used to go around saying things like this in
|department stores. For background he was an entire foot taller than
|she was. Also, she was a teeny tiny runner, and he was Scandinavian Farm
|stock, so when she got pregnant she turned into a balloon. Everyone
|assumed she was having twins or triplets. She actually got really
|irritated having to repeat to people that it was just one baby. They
|would look at clothes and say things like : “Does your husband know
|where you are?” “He thinks I’m shopping with the girls, what about your
|wife?” “Do you think they suspect” etc etc
|u/Rasikko - 1 hour
|
|I would've been able to spin that real good since she IS the wife.
|u/Flabbergash - 1 hour
|
|"we've been over this, she only has 2 months to live"
|u/Thesixozz_ - 1 hour
|
|Should have responded. Kind of thought you'd have noticed you're
|pregnant by now.
|u/RadikaleM1tte - 1 hour
|
|That question seems to be designed only to attract that particular story
|u/Wretched_Stoner_9 - 56 minutes
|
|Allah hu akbar
|u/Professional_Bus8975 - 11 minutes
|
|Lmao that is awesome
|u/FireWaia - 8 minutes
|
|On a related note: I was once stuck for an hour in a malfunctioning
|elevator 30 minutes from midnight on new years eve with a VERY drunk
|middleaged woman who kept aggressively hitting on me and asking me to
|come to her place when we got out. (ugly homeless type drunk) Worst
|new years celebration ever.
|u/Rubberduckieism - 7 hours
|
|When my mom and step dad were on their honeymoon I had called my step-
|dad while they were in an elevator with a couple other people and
|apparently the ringtone was some song where the lyrics were 'dont look
|now your mama has her boobs out'. He was laughing hard when he answered
|u/mid4ever - 6 hours
|
|I like to say fuck, marry, kill and point to people in there accordingly
|u/Special_Lemon1487 - 7 hours
|
|“Excuse me miss, do I know you?”
|u/MaleficentRutabaga7 - 7 hours
|
|A good bit of fuckery would've been to reply "she's lying I've never
|seen this woman before in my life!" And then the two of them walk out
|of the elevator holding hands
|u/Nobodysfool52 - 7 hours
|
|I look at my friends and always say, “so, has that balm helped with
|the rash.” I never get an answer because they’re trying so hard not to
|laugh, as are the other riders.
|u/EPIwp - 7 hours
|
|Stuck in an elevator with 5 other people. A woman and her daughter are
|closest to the door. The daughter was probably 13 yo starts mumbling and
|jumping up and down. The woman looks at me and says, “Sorry, she’s
|schizophrenic“. Eventually the elevator took us down to the basement. I
|took the stairs the rest of the day.
|u/waxkid - 6 hours
|
|He should said something like "You know i love but but she just had a
|baby, i need a little more time. You knew what you were getting into
|when you pulled me into that bathroom stall"
|u/ducnh85 - 7 hours
|
|It is not funny at all.. Make a risk to your partner is extreme stupid.
|What if your husband's college or boss or customer at that time? Is it
|still funny?
|u/PatientA12 - 6 hours
|
|(Cuts to everyone giving the dad the L stare)
|u/Independent_Bite4682 - 7 hours
|
|*fart* anyone smell popped corn?
|u/Astramancer_ - 7 hours
|
|I went on break with my friend and when we were coming back up there
|was nobody in the elevator, so I let one rip (loudly) right as the
|door shut. I was laughing my ass off. What made it even funnier was
|as the doors were closing behind us on our floor the CEO darted over
|and slipped into the elevator.
|u/AutomaticExit8281 - 6 hours
|
|Fake. No woman has sense of humor like that
|u/DomeAcolyte42 - 10 hours
|
|I know it's fake, but why would the dad be uncomfortable? Did he forget
|they're married?
|u/Rojikku - 10 hours
|
|The other people in the elevator, who exist in the post but not in
|your mind, glared at him.
|u/DomeAcolyte42 - 1 hour
|
|Do you give a shit about the drama or judgment of random people in
|lifts? I certainly don't.
|
