|
AITAH For Being Hurt That My MIL Wanted To Exclude My Daughter From
Thanksgiving and Christmas To Protect My SIL?
31F. I’m married to my husband Tyler (32M) and I gave birth to our first
child (a baby girl) almost three months ago.
I love Tyler very much, and I always felt grateful that I married into
the family I did. I grew up with a single mom and it was always just the
two of us. I love my mother dearly, but I always wished I had a larger
family unit with siblings when I was a little. My mom passed away from
ovarian cancer about two years ago, and so now I truly don’t have family
apart from my in-laws.
By contrast, my husband’s parents are happily married and he’s one of
four children. Everyone has always been kind and welcoming to me, and I
always have a blast at their holidays and family reunions.
The only exception is Tyler’s twin sister Ashley. Since I met her,
Ashley has been cool and standoffish towards me, especially compared to
her friendly younger brothers and parents. She’s never been outright
mean to me, but she’s also never made much of an effort to ask me
questions or get to know me. I know she also has some resentment towards
Tyler, and sometimes comments on the fact that he’s the favorite and
that everything comes easy to him. Some of her comments irk me, since I
know how hard Tyler has worked for his success and also see that he has
struggles he doesn’t share with the family since he doesn’t like to
burden others. I’ve never said anything about the comments, since Tyler
accepts it’s the way she is and doesn’t get too bothered by her.
Even though Ashley and I are far from best friends, I’ve been sad to
learn that she’s had a hard time getting pregnant. She and her husband
have been trying for around two years now, and she recently had a
miscarriage. I’ve tried to be mindful of what she’s going through, and
intentionally avoided talking about my pregnancy and now baby around
her. I even declined my MIL’s offer to throw me a baby shower, since I
thought it would be difficult for Ashley with everything going on.
With that being said, the entire family has been incredibly exited about
my daughter. My husband is the first of his siblings to have a child,
and so it’s an exciting time and transition for the family.
Yesterday, my MIL and FIL came to our house for dinner. My MIL said she
had something difficult to speak with us about, and stared talking about
what a hard few years it’s been for Ashley. My MIL said Ashley is
excited for us, but it’s painful to see me with an infant when she’s
wanted to be a mother for so long. She said Ashley is dreading the
holidays because she’s worried everyone will be focusing on and fussing
over the new baby. My MIL said that she was looking forward to spending
the holidays with us, especially since it’s our daughter’s first
Thanksgiving and Christmas, but she’s trying to think of her daughter’s
feelings as well. My MIL basically asked if we could either sit out on
the family Thanksgiving and Christmas this year or hire sitter to watch
our daughter so all the focus won’t be on her. My MIL even floated the
idea of me staying home with the baby, and my husband stopping by
quickly to say hello.
My husband was livid. He said that Ashley should be the one to stay home
if she can’t manage her emotions, and my MIL said that Ashley is going
through a lot and needs her family right now. My husband said he’s not
celebrating the holidays with the family unless the baby and I are both
included.
I started crying, which surprised everyone, since I rarely show emotion.
I said that I feel terrible for Ashley, but I’m incredibly sad and
disappointed that my daughter is being excluded. I explained that I
don’t have family now that my mother is gone, and so I really want my
child to have a strong bond with her grandparents, uncles, and aunt. My
MIL said there will be opportunities in the future for her to bond with
the family. I said I don’t think I’ll feel welcomed in the future now
that I know they’re so willing to exclude both myself and my daughter. I
said it’s sad that we’re clearly not viewed as an important part of the
family since my MIL was so quick to suggest we both stay home. I said I
understand that Ashley is her daughter, and so her loyalty will always
be to her her first, but also, I’m very hurt by the request.
My MIL started to backtrack and said that she loves me and her
granddaughter very much and that this clearly wasn’t the right way to
handle the situation. She said she was trying to do the right thing, but
she didn’t spend enough time thinking everything through. My husband was
still fuming, and asked his parents to leave even though his mom was
crying and begging to work things out.
I’ve gotten several calls from my MIL today. I know I should give her a
call and hear what she has to say, but I’m still so hurt. My husband is
also upset, and doesn’t want to participate in the holidays this year.
Maybe I’m being selfish under the circumstances, but I can’t believe how
easily they could exclude my baby. AITAH?
########################################################################
|u/Enigmaticsole - 13 hours
|
|Let your husband deal with his family and take a step back. Start your
|own family traditions. There is nothing to stop you inviting who you
|want to celebrate with…
|u/Friendly_Lab7306 - 13 hours
|
|100%! I have some good friends in the area we can celebrate with if
|needed
|u/Aware-Jicama-3462 - 13 hours
|
|Go have a friendsgiving! We have done it for years and it is worth
|the memories of laughter and fun! Friends are family!
|u/wishingforelevenses - 10 hours
|
|At a time when I no longer have family in the area, my hubs and I
|moved into a large apartment complex. He was the guy who made
|friends with everybody. I suggested that i cook for Thanksgiving
|as his sister no longer wanted to host. Suddenly, we had 10
|guests; we did this every year til the end of his life. We
|absolutely had a ball in our tiny, overcrowded apartment. All but
|one of those folks have since moved or passed on, but the guy
|upstairs just texted me yesterday about my green bean casserole.
|u/Ok-Music-8732 - 9 hours
|
|that is a heartwarming story!
|u/wishingforelevenses - 5 hours
|
|We had a great time with our merry band of neighbors.
|Unfortunately, I'm not as sociable as my late husband.
|u/BlondeRedDead - 5 hours
|
|I love this so much
|u/Wish-ga - 4 hours
|
|Thank you for sharing.
|u/mjw217 - 11 hours
|
|We didn’t have Friendsgiving, but our Thanksgiving always
|included both my husband’s and my family. When my daughter
|started hosting Thanksgiving it still included lots of family,
|but also friends. Thanksgiving should be a meal to give thanks
|for what you have and a meal that includes those you care about.
|It doesn’t matter if it’s family or friends or both!
|u/Morecatspls_ - 10 hours
|
|Indeed! Our Thanksgiving is usually a mix of family, friends,
|and whoever walks in the door next, lol. My MIL once asked the
|mailman if he was hungry. They seem to know *everyone*. 38
|years later, I'm still meeting people who I've never met
|before. It's all good. My husband comes from a huge Portuguese
|family. I am part if a small nuclear family. It took some
|years getting used to the number and noise levels, but I'm just
|like my MIL now. Anything goes!
|u/scotian1009 - 9 hours
|
|My husband comes from a large family in Newfoundland. If we
|are sitting down to a meal and somebody knocks on the door
|they’re told get a plate and dig in. Even if it’s a carload
|of people.
|u/TitusTorrentia - 7 hours
|
|Prefacing this with I'm so happy for you, it sounds like you
|all draw a lot of joy from how you spend your holidays! But
|man that sounds like my personal hell lol I'm in my 30s and
|miss the days when my family's celebrations were just our
|immediate family (parents + siblings). Now there's way too many
|people crammed into my brother's house every year for
|Thanksgiving/Christmas. I started skipping, opting to stay home
|while my partner goes to his parents. Everyone's always so
|concerned, that I must be sad, but it feels like being at some
|company holiday party, filled with my brother's in-laws and
|their extended families. I absolutely love being home alone
|for the holidays. I'd like for my partner and I to have a thing
|we do but I'm perfectly fine letting (not really "letting" like
|he needs permission but I can't find a better word) him go do
|his thing with his family if that's what he wants to do. I once
|stayed home for thanksgiving, had cereal for dinner, and did
|whatever I wanted all day. No screaming kids, no answering the
|same 10 questions 10 times. No listening to the person cooking
|getting mad but refusing help. Just peace and quiet.
|u/MaxPower637 - 10 hours
|
|Hell yeah. I only knew Friendsgiving my entire life. We always
|did thanksgiving with my mom’s college friends and their
|families. Now the kids who grew up in it are getting married and
|having kids of their own and it’s still going.
|u/AdeptUnderstanding67 - 10 hours
|
|I LOVE THIS!
|u/Honest-Western1042 - 11 hours
|
|Omg Friendsgiving is so much better. It’s my favorite holiday
|now.
|u/fiorekat1 - 10 hours
|
|It is!! I love doing Friendsgiving. No expectations not being
|met, no drama, no awkwardness. Framily is so much easier than
|my own family.
|u/NobodyofGreatImport - 9 hours
|
|What's Friendsgiving? What's a Framily? Is it, like, some new
|thing that's come out, or is it a different tradition or
|something? I'm just wondering, because I've never heard of it
|before
|u/midnight9201 - 9 hours
|
|Friendsgiving has been a term I’ve heard for years now
|which is just having thanksgiving with a group of friends.
|Some people do it thanksgiving night and other groups meet
|on the Friday after thanksgiving. I’ve never heard of the
|term framily before but lots of people have friends that
|are like family so that’s where the word comes from.
|u/dinahdog - 10 hours
|
|Have his younger brothers and families over the next day or
|Saturday for leftovers or sandwiches. Introduce baby to those you
|choose. Doesn't have to be whole family occasion like a holiday
|at mom's is. I'd certainly do my own dinner for my husband and
|some friends.
|u/TheTropicalDog - 10 hours
|
|But then what would Ashley say about being snubbed? There's no
|way around her. Invite her & it's an issue bc baby is there.
|Don't invite her and it's an issue bc she'll feel left out.
|It's a lose/lose idea. I totally get what you're saying I just
|don't see how that would be feasible without causing more
|problems 🤷🏼♀️
|u/LKHedrick - 10 hours
|
|Let her know that she is welcome, but not obligated, to join
|in.
|u/midnight9201 - 9 hours
|
|She can be invited, but if she’s uncomfortable around the
|baby she can choose not to attend.
|u/BoogieBoardofEd - 6 hours
|
|Fuck Ashley
|u/No_Nefariousness9291 - 6 hours
|
|Invite Ashley and she can choose whether to attend or not.
|She’s included but can decide to stay home for her mental
|health and can’t dictate what everyone else does.
|u/Over_Cranberry1365 - 10 hours
|
|My daughter and her hubby (childfree) have a whole group of folks
|they do Friendsgiving with every year. They take turns hosting
|and have a blast.
|u/5150-gotadaypass - 10 hours
|
|So much better than spending the time with family!
|u/ShoddyIntrovert32 - 11 hours
|
|Definitely. Sometimes friends are better family than actual
|families. OP should make her own family with friends and cut off
|husband’s family.
|u/Plenty_Anything932 - 10 hours
|
|Too quick to go NC with the in-laws I think. Cooler heads
|should prevail. Those suggestions put forth by MIL were not
|well thought out, but she's not portrayed as typically
|poisonous. When everyone calms down, make the suggestion that
|your little family is going to sit out the holidays this year
|in favor of celebrations at your home. You could suggest that
|MIL, FIL, BILs are welcome to drop by and say hi or not, said
|without ill will. This doesn't have to destroy your
|relationships. Good luck!
|u/AdeptUnderstanding67 - 10 hours
|
|I agree. Friends are the best family!
|u/Impossible-Aspect342 - 8 hours
|
|Friends are the family you choose for yourself. Most people
|wouldn’t be friends with half the people in their families if
|they had a choice.
|u/SheLovesStocks - 7 hours
|
|Yes! I second this. Friendsgiving is a wonderful opportunity for
|people with small family’s or a great excuse to just have a
|delicious holiday meal with people you enjoy the most. It’s
|unbelievably sad what Ashley and your MIL requested of you and
|your husband. I’m so sorry this happened to you and I can also
|relate in certain ways as my In Laws treated me similarly for my
|husbands sister. Wishing you the best OP, so happy your husband
|was level headed and on the side of his true family, you and your
|child together. 💛
|u/QuietWalk2505 - 12 hours
|
|Ashley is the golden child? Glad that your husband stood and put a
|foot there. Your husband is 100% correct and your feelings are
|valid, focus on this holiday season for family and enjoy
|u/Complete-Culture8749 - 10 hours
|
|Accolades to your husband for sticking up for you. I read so
|many reddit posts where the spouse sides with their family and
|not their spouse.
|u/Ravenerz - 5 hours
|
|I came here to say the same thing! I started reading and was
|like "Great...abother story where the spouse leaves their S/O
|hanging..". Thankfully this wasn't the case this time and that
|they acted as a team! It never fails to surprise me how many
|people have to deal with parents coddling their grown ass kids
|cause they can't handle real world shit and thinking they can
|make others put their lives on hold because 1 person is being a
|baby over a situation, or more like being a baby over their
|lack of one. The daughter already has deeper problems as it
|sounds, like she's not friendly to OP cause now there's another
|female in the family so all the family attention isn't on her
|anymore. She probably thinks she has to fight for the attention
|of her male family members... I'm surprised the sister hasn't
|gone and pissed in all the corners of the house to mark her
|territory... The sister needs needs to grow TF up.. MIL AND
|SIL are absolutely over stepping boundaries.. are they gonna
|ask everybody they come across to leave their kids home or with
|a sitter because SIL can't handle being an adult? They might
|as well get on FB and request that everyone they are friends
|with, to not post pics of being with their kids or even take
|them anywhere during Thanksgiving because it would hurt the SIL
|feelings... Last comment: I wouldn't doubt if it was also a
|personal attack to try am assert some kinda power/control over
|OP to make SIL feel better/more important. Attention is one
|hell of a drug for some people. Always tryna make everything
|about themselves.
|u/TerrorAlpaca - 12 hours
|
|This looks less like "golden child" to me, and more like Ashley
|thinks OPs husband is the golden child, per her comment of "he's
|always got it easier". MIL does have it hard indeed. she loves
|her kids and one of them is hurting and she did, indeed, make the
|wrong choice but if someone has never been put infront of a
|choice like that before, they can't really lean on experience.
|u/SafiyaMukhamadova - 11 hours
|
|Ashley might think that he's the golden child but when push
|comes to shove, HE'S the one the family is willing to exclude.
|u/TransportationNo5560 - 11 hours
|
|Oh no, he wasn't excluded. Just his pesky wife and child who
|will hurt Ashley's feelings. I'd invite all the sibs and let
|Mummy focus totally on Ashley's feelings.
|u/scotian1009 - 9 hours
|
|Mama should have told Ashley it’s their first grandchild
|and they are thankful for her as it **is** Thanksgiving and
|tell Ashley it is non negotiable. Let Ashley make the
|decision to attend or not. Edit. Fingers on wrong keys
|and words unknown.
|u/magicalmoonwitch - 10 hours
|
|This sounds like a plan
|u/Environment-Late - 9 hours
|
|That is a good idea! She said that his brothers are way
|nicer to her, and I guarantee they do not want to be
|involved in the drama. The brothers would absolutely rather
|come to OP’s house, *especially* if they have wives or
|girlfriends that know what is going on bc mature *women*
|stick together. OP should absolutely have holidays at their
|house with their friends, and his brothers! Let MIL and
|Ashley be miserable together *alone*.
|u/TransportationNo5560 - 9 hours
|
|I'm petty enough that I would have the baby extend
|invitations to her house because she isn't welcome at
|Grandmom's.
|u/Tattletale-1313 - 8 hours
|
|This is perfect 🤩
|u/DachSonMom3 - 7 hours
|
|That's what I was going to say. I would host my own dinner
|and invite the other siblings and their families. I'd do it
|on Saturday or Sunday. I wouldn't say a word to the ILs
|and I'm not even sure I'd tell the other siblings at the
|time of their invite why you're doing it. They'll figure
|it out. Choices have consequences.
|u/Radiant_Western_5589 - 11 hours
|
|Idk this sounds like a mum thing nowhere does it say the two
|other siblings are ok with this. I’m the only sister of 3
|brothers and I guarantee I’d be team baby. You only get their
|firsts once. This is their first thanksgiving and Christmas
|I’d be fuming and likely ask to come to their celebrations
|than my parents because they can skip baby’s firsts but I
|wouldn’t miss them for anything. My family had a similar
|scenario and my parents told the sibling with the issue that
|the baby wasn’t going anywhere and there’d be likely more so
|they needed to figure out a way to live with it. That sibling
|stepped back and isn’t really a part of the niblings lives
|but has since tried to come back slowly. Some people need
|time that’s fine. If you’re unhappy with a situation you
|should remove yourself from it not expect everyone else to
|suffer.
|u/soonerpgh - 9 hours
|
|This is the correct way to handle this. We have normalized
|dancing around feelings when usually the one with the
|feelings is not being rational. No one can help how they
|feel, but like many other things in life, if you don't
|learn to control them, they will begin to control you.
|Can't change them, necessarily, but you can manage them and
|use practical solutions to work around them. Does SIL (or
|MIL, for that matter) think that she can avoid this
|situation forever? It's not possible. I'll use my own life
|as a case point. I'm in a wheelchair. I can't walk, run,
|stand or get in line to get my own plate at these types of
|things. Does that bother me? Hell, yes, it does, but I
|cannot avoid life and I cannot expect others to walk on
|eggshells because I have a problem with my situation. I
|also cannot be mad at them for living a normal life. SIL
|needs to understand that her feelings do not need to be
|everyone's problem and while others can and should be
|empathetic, she and MIL both need to understand that
|empathy does NOT mean avoidance.
|u/Mcbriec - 9 hours
|
|Bravo for a courageous and rationale attitude in the face
|of adversity. 🙏🙏
|u/MiikaLeigh - 11 hours
|
|This, absolutely! If Ashley can't handle being around
|the baby, then Ashley needs to remove herself from the
|situation. Does she also refuse to go shopping or to the
|park or anywhere in the world because there's babies
|everywhere. As someone who has had several
|miscarriages, I understand the grief and heartbreak - but
|during one of them, a close friend gave birth. You know
|what I did? I waited a while to meet the baby and give
|well-wishes to the mama. *I* couldn't handle it, so *I*
|didn't go.
|u/SafiyaMukhamadova - 10 hours
|
|What Ashley is going through is absolutely sad and tragic
|and I hope she gets her baby soon but damn, what else is
|baby going to be excluded from? What happens if Ashley
|never has a baby, will OP and her kid be excluded for the
|rest of their lives? And what if she does have a kid? How
|differently would Ashley's kids be treated? It sounds
|like OP and her baby will always be an afterthought at
|best and that is absolutely something the kids and
|cousins will pick up on. That kind of favoritism stings.
|u/Prideandprejudice1 - 9 hours
|
|Wasn’t there a post like this once? The OP was kind of
|forced to hide her children/never bring them around to
|events but when the SIL finally had hers it was then
|suddenly all different and ok for kids to be around
|u/poohfan - 11 hours
|
|Second this! I haven't been able to have children either,
|and if I have an issue with being somewhere I don't feel
|comfortable in, I don't go. I would never dream of
|putting my issues on someone else.
|u/mimcat3 - 10 hours
|
|This! To put out other people because you are having a
|problem is wrong. My cousin had multiple miscarriages,
|never did she want her sister or cousins to not bring the
|kids. MIL should maybe celebrate thanksgiving with Ashley
|and husband, Christmas with your family? Or better yet,
|Ashley try getting her emotions under control. Seems
|harsh, but this is just how life is.
|u/Loose-Confidence-965 - 10 hours
|
|I had the most wonderful time in my girlfriend birthing
|room after miscarriage and knowing we couldn’t even try
|any more. I held him the next day and he is still such a
|joy five years later. sIL needs to grow up. There may
|have been some manipulation on SIL part. But yes. Start
|your own family and tradition. Maybe Ashly should spend
|holiday with her in-laws if she can’t handle it
|u/AdEmpty4390 - 10 hours
|
|As someone who’s been in Ashley’s shoes, I feel for her.
|Trying to get through a regular non-holiday is like
|navigating a minefield— triggers everywhere. That said,
|Ashley and her husband would do themselves a favor by not
|going, for 2 reasons: 1. Whether the baby is there or not,
|everyone is going to be talking about the baby, asking
|about milestones, looking at photos, etc. 2. Ashley and
|her husband should start some of their own traditions that
|have nothing to do with kids. They could travel, volunteer
|at a senior center, whatever. So many people act as if
|you’re life doesn’t begin until (and unless) you have kids.
|And certain politicians who act like childless people are
|“less than” certainly don’t help.
|u/Chickwithknives - 9 hours
|
|So many of my family Thanksgivings have been shit shows
|that I started intentionally working on Thanksgiving. A
|couple years ago I was on a Mediterranean Cruise. Maybe
|Ashley and hubby can go try to conceive in a foreign
|country this year.
|u/MelodyRaine - 9 hours
|
|Nope. My older aunt had eight children My younger aunt
|had four I am one of six My grandmother had nine all
|together. When a 'mother' tells one child to keep himself,
|his spouse, and their newborn baby away from the family
|celebrations to 'spare the feelings' of another child,
|that's a Bright Red Flag saying "You are not as important
|to me as your sibling is." This was no Sophie's choice.
|MIL had a multitude of ways to work this out that didn't
|involve telling OP and her little family "don't bother
|coming." from scheduling them separately, to warning
|everyone ahead of time to be sensitive about not fawning
|over the baby... she chose the nuclear option and can choke
|on the fallout.
|u/Megalocerus - 9 hours
|
|The baby is so new to leave somewhere for a long visit--any
|normal daycare they already use would be closed. And OP may
|be feeling quite isolated. No way it makes sense to treat
|her like a pariah. It took me 6 years to get pregnant--
|that just made me fuss over my BIL's new daughter more.
|u/Evening_Tax1010 - 7 hours
|
|That’s the part that struck me as crazy — suggesting
|that they find a babysitter. On a national holiday. When
|OP has no other family! Like who tf are they going to
|find in less than two weeks for that? And how much money
|would that magical rainbow shitting unicorn cost?!
|u/XplodingFairyDust - 5 hours
|
|And who in their right mind wants to miss their own
|baby’s first Xmas?
|u/romancereader1989 - 10 hours
|
|This OP you or husband needs to find out if it was a group
|decision or a mil fil sil decision. I bet it was mil and
|sil and fil just feels the need to support his wife
|u/shrimpandshooflypie - 11 hours
|
|Oh, no - they didn’t exclude him. HE is still welcome to drop
|by - it’s his wife and daughter that got the boot a la MIL. I
|would never celebrate holidays with them again after this.
|u/New-Bar4405 - 10 hours
|
|He was only allowed to drop by not actually stay the whole
|time so hes still not fully welcome
|u/Additional_Yak8332 - 7 hours
|
|I thought his mom suggested he just drop by so he wasn't
|leaving his wife and baby alone all night, not that he
|wasn't welcome?
|u/Littlebiggran - 9 hours
|
|Yes, there's a touch of female competition here. As if
|having babies can be kept to a schedule.
|u/Either_Coconut - 6 hours
|
|Although he IS welcome to pop in briefly, provided he leaves
|his wife and baby at home. 🫤
|u/TexasLiz1 - 10 hours
|
|Nah - the second you decide not to invite one of your kids
|because they have a baby and that is upsetting, you have to
|expect that kid to step way back in that relationship. If OP
|had a family, they’d be heading there for every holiday until
|that baby was out of school. They didn’t think about OP’s
|situation and how hurt she’d be. They stepped in shit big time
|and it’s not going to be so easy to repair that relationship if
|it’s ever repaired. OP thought she was part of the family only
|to find out the only grandparents she has for her daughter are
|immature assholes. Ashley won. And I am a big enough asshole to
|say that Ashley would be an immature asshole of a mother and I
|hope she grows up before she ever has kids.
|u/CommissionThink8184 - 7 hours
|
|Well said.
|u/anonymous_for_this - 11 hours
|
|She should have enough general life experience under her belt
|to ask ‘how will this play out?’
|u/AdeptUnderstanding67 - 9 hours
|
|MIL dropped the ball. She’s lived to much life to really
|think this behavior was ok by any stretch of the imagination.
|IMO
|u/Neither-Entrance-208 - 11 hours
|
|Seems like an energy thing. Ashley thinks he gets everything
|because she's watching and comparing, instead of putting her
|enery out there to come back to her. OP's Husband engages with
|life and is generally friendly so other people like him and
|respond better to him. One person is living their life. The
|other is judging everything as unfair, but being so self
|absorbed they can't even see why they suck all the good energy
|out of the room
|u/Environment-Late - 9 hours
|
|Thank you so much for this, I *really* needed to hear it.
|u/SalisburyWitch - 9 hours
|
|Ashley sounds like a manipulator. She’s been competing with
|Tyler even though it never was a competition. Looks like she
|won this round.
|u/Donut_swordfish - 10 hours
|
|You can split a day if need be, though. My husband isn't the
|biggest fan of his own brother because of some of the poor life
|choices he's made. My husband knows that he won't be able to
|hold his tongue about the situation and doesn't want to ruin
|the day for their mom, so we purposely schedule our day around
|when his brother's family will be by.
|u/_Winterlong_ - 11 hours
|
|Friends is the way to go! And one thing I think your husband should
|say to his mom is how would your baby feel years down the road
|seeing family pictures and asking why she wasn’t in them? Is/was
|grandma prepared to tell her she wasn’t wanted there? What kind of
|damage would that do later on? I’m willing to bet SIL was all “if
|they’ll be there I’m not coming” and I bet both thought “well she’s
|just a baby, she won’t remember”. But it’s SO much deeper than
|that. Growing up, I had a large family, but my favorite relatives
|were not actually relatives. They were the friends of my parents
|who showed up for everything. It’s ok to have friends step into
|the role of aunts/uncles/cousins. They’re choosing to be there and
|have no obligation. NTA.
|u/deeBfree - 10 hours
|
|I had a beloved "aunt" like that. She was always at all the
|family gatherings. She was my godmother. When i was around 7-8
|years old and my mom and I were talking about family
|relationships, like what makes someone your cousin or uncle or
|whatever. She explained that this aunt was not actually a blood
|relative. I was shocked! Then she further explained that "family"
|is not always based on blood relationships.
|u/Odd_Campaign_307 - 5 hours
|
|If MIL thinks this is okay because the baby won't remember then
|she's even more oblivious than I thought. It's not just baby's
|first Thanksgiving & Christmas, it's the first one for MIL and
|FIL as grandparents, the brothers as uncles and Ashley's as an
|aunt. Ashley may have suffered a great loss, but it certainly
|says something about her and MIL that they were so quick to
|banish the baby and OP from the family holidays. Why should OP
|and her husband have to give up their first Thanksgiving and
|Christmas as parents to pacify these women? OP, Throw your
|first Friendsgiving and have a merry Odds & Sodsmas. Make your
|own traditions with your chosen family and take tons of pictures.
|If your guest list includes the baby's uncles, so much the
|better.
|u/Chemical_World_4228 - 11 hours
|
|As a grandmother I can not imagine expecting my son, daughter in
|law and new granddaughter skipping Thanksgiving and Christmas
|because of this. His sister needs therapy yesterday. To ask
|something like this is incredibly insensitive and crazy. MIL should
|be embarrassed
|u/Producer1216 - 9 hours
|
|Totally agree! Selfish, self absorbed and narcissistic to the
|core!! Have a Friendsgiving and take lots of video and photos
|to mark the occasions. It you choose to allow the parents to see
|the pictures tell them this is what you missed and won’t get
|another chance at the baby’s firsts, not then or going forward.
|Sorry your SIL is such an obnoxious bitch. Updateme
|u/No_Pass2668 - 9 hours
|
|Love your description of the SIL
|u/CommissionThink8184 - 7 hours
|
|Love this!
|u/BluesFan_4 - 9 hours
|
|This. It’s incredible to me to imagine excluding the family’s
|first grandchild in the holidays! That is nuts!
|u/Away-Comedian-4054 - 10 hours
|
|Sounds like Ashley harbors jealousy and/or resentment towards you
|for taking her twin away. Tell your husband to remind his family
|that if they are OK with missing all of baby's firsts, that is on
|them, but the three of you are going to stay together as a family
|should for the holidays and you're not to be exiled away like
|outsiders. NTA
|u/DuckDuckWaffle99 - 7 hours
|
|Scrolled way too far down to find this. SIL started the pity
|party when OP took away her twin by, you know, getting married.
|Bet she pouted all through the wedding and reception! Now, the
|OP & H have the audacity to reproduce! Will this thievery of
|SIL’s specialness ever be over? /s NTA and start new traditions.
|And, I’m sorry about your mom.
|u/babigrl50 - 10 hours
|
|I'm blown away by your selflessness and forgoing a baby shower so
|you wouldn't hurt the sister. It can't be like this your whole
|lives. She's been jealous of you from before the baby and this is
|her excuse to exclude you. She needs a therapist if her brother's
|baby is triggering for her. This is all jealousy and she should be
|ashamed and also grow the hell up. I can't believe the parents are
|entertaining this crap show. I'm very proud of you for
|communicating your feelings at dinner and not burying them so
|resentment builds. Have a lovely holiday with your new baby and
|hubby.
|u/20MLSE20 - 11 hours
|
|This should be one of the happiest firsts for your family, a major
|holiday with the grandparents and other relatives. Since your MIL
|has asked you keep your baby, their first grandchild at home to
|please her other child it’s time you husband and baby start your
|very own family traditions with people who love and support you
|unconditionally. ♥️
|u/Lilybit09 - 11 hours
|
|This is the way. Both occasions are already ruined by them anyway.
|Your absence will be loud!!! Have a wonderful time with your
|little family so you can look back and remember your daughter first
|Christmas fondly.
|u/magicalmoonwitch - 10 hours
|
|Watch his other siblings show up and want to see the baby and
|celebrate. Really want to know if mil even mentioned any of this
|to them if they are super excited about the baby I bet they have
|no clue and won’t be happy about this.
|u/tattoovamp - 11 hours
|
|When my kids were little and I had just left their dad, I decided
|to make it super special for them. We all got matching pjs (I took
|pics of us) and we would watch a Christmas movie, and take a car
|ride with hot chocolate and whip cream, around the neighborhood to
|see all the Christmas lights. It became our yearly routine. I had
|funny/cute pictures of us as they grew and we made core memories.
|As they grew we blocked off Christmas Eve and Day fort our family.
|Their friends and other family could wait. Now as they are grown
|and have their own families they do the same thing with their kids.
|I love it. Things have been added and dropped along the way but the
|sentiment is still the same. Make new traditions for the family
|you and your husband created. His parents now belong on the back
|burner.
|u/KingMichaelsConsort - 11 hours
|
|i would do this. MIL drew a line in the sand. let your SIL have
|all the spotlight on her when MIL explains to everyone why the baby
|isn’t there.
|u/Readsumthing - 11 hours
|
|**If?** Sweetheart, it’s needed. I’d be sure to post Thanksgiving
|and Christmas pictures too, highlighting your new, small family
|traditions.
|u/Accomplished-Emu-591 - 9 hours
|
|Great idea! I'm snarky enough that I would probably post then to
|the family chat with a cmment about how much I missed seeing
|family.
|u/Manda525 - 8 hours
|
|Better yet, post lots of happy pics of your little family
|celebrating with some close friends, with a comment about how
|"family" is overrated /how much fun you all had without all
|the family drama etc...lol ;) "Family drama? Not here!
|Friendsgivings are the best! 💕🦃👍 #ChosenFamily"
|u/CommissionThink8184 - 7 hours
|
|I like your style! Updateme
|u/tropicsandcaffeine - 11 hours
|
|This is the break you need! Start your own traditions. Your own
|fun!
|u/Sea_Holiday_1213 - 9 hours
|
|2nding this. We have a 4 month old and my partner & I celebrate
|christmas on different days (eve & day). I am so excited for our
|first christmas just the 3 of us but am dreading the family
|gathering on christmas day - I love his family but an entire day
|keeping a 5 month old busy in a house that isn’t yours with naps
|(which she fights at the moment) etc…not my idea of fun.
|u/WrongCase7532 - 12 hours
|
|Do that and not just for this holiday, do this going forward.
|u/Top_Sheepherder_6041 - 7 hours
|
|And this is how traditions begin. Your husband may want to also
|mention to his mom that in her shortsightedness of trying to
|"protect" her daughter, she may have just lost out on
|Thanksgiving and Christmas traditions for years to come involving
|you, your husband and your daughter. Her FIRST grandchild.
|u/castlite - 11 hours
|
|You don’t need other people you know. Just the 3 of you can have a
|beautiful holiday.
|u/Accurate_Diamond1093 - 11 hours
|
|Sometimes your chosen family treats you better than the one you are
|related to. They obviously see you and your daughter as expendable
|so you should view them the same. I know it sucks but it’s better
|to realize it now than when your daughter is old enough to see it.
|u/BiznatB - 10 hours
|
|I agree with do your own thing and let your husband handle his
|family. I highly suspect grandma is going to realize it’s her loss
|at missing the firsts with her granddaughter, which she won’t get
|back. And while I’m sympathetic to MIL’s sticky situation with her
|daughter, asking you and/or your daughter to sit out family
|holidays is wrong. I’ve dealt with a lot of family and friends that
|want a baby and can’t have one for one reason or another. They
|never try to exclude other children to make themselves feel more
|comfortable. That’s bananas and they need therapy if that’s going
|to be their reaction. Enjoy your baby and appreciate that your
|husband has yalls backs.
|u/Vandreeson - 10 hours
|
|NTA. How does Ashley think your husband is the favorite when your
|in-laws clearly think the world revolves around her? This is
|beyond f'ed up. Your MIL has permanently alienated you and your
|daughter, because now you know how she really feels. What do you
|bet Ashley floated this idea to your MIL? I suggest you, your
|husband, and child spend the holidays together as a family. Your
|husband needs to tell his mother that you and your family won't be
|attending Thanksgiving or Christmas. Lots of people have trouble
|getting pregnant, but don't think that others shouldn't have
|children.
|u/OkSleep1004 - 10 hours
|
|Where does it end ? You’re not welcome at thanks giving or
|Christmas, what about new years? St patty’s? Easter? Etc etc-
|Babies 1st birthday? Can’t do that as Ashley will “never” have that
|experience Draw the line and make your own little family holidays
|u/Valuable-Release-868 - 10 hours
|
|Do this! Do NOT take your MIL's calls. Do NOT open the door if
|she tries to come over for a face-to-face conversation. AND, both
|MIL has earned a time-out from her grandbaby and you.
|Personally, I would never spend a holiday with these people again.
|The fact that your FIL didn't shut her up is shocking. I couldn't
|look these people in the face ever again, remembering how easily
|they were willing to throw you AND your daughter aside to appease
|Ashley. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!?! They don't consider you or your
|child to be family! So plan your Friendsgiving and talk to them
|about doing a Christmas too. These people that want to spend this
|time with you should be considered your family. And if you need to
|look at the bright side, you don't need to buy your IL's any gifts
|so you can consider this a money saver! Buy your baby something
|special to commemorate her first set of holidays with the people
|that love and value you!
|u/Warm_Feets - 10 hours
|
|I would invite your husbands other siblings also!
|u/billymackactually - 9 hours
|
|What happens if Ashley goes another year, or two more years,
|etc,etc, without a baby? Does that mean your little girl doesn't
|get Christmas, or Easter, or birthdays, or any other event with
|her only grandparents because her Aunt Ashley might be 'triggered?
|This is ridiculous. Ashley is a married, grown woman. Infertility
|can be a tragedy, but the OP's daughter shouldn't be made to pay
|the price for it by the loss of her family.
|u/Beth21286 - 10 hours
|
|You think your daughter's uncles aren't going to want to see her?
|No way. MIL made the mistake, be sure to let everyone else know
|you'd love to see them. Make your own arrangements. Hosting at
|home is tiring but it keeps Kiddo in her own environment and lets
|you control the timings for things so may be easier in the long
|run.
|u/Cold_View_7949 - 10 hours
|
|Do this! Here’s the phrase I live with: Friends are the family we
|pick for ourselves. My dad‘s family is scattered across the
|globe, and my mom‘s family is messy, mean, and filled with grudges.
|I’m an only child, and my mom was really worried about me being
|alone, but I met another only child in second grade and our
|families merged. It’s been 22 years, and we spend every holiday
|together, Thanksgiving, and Christmas Eve at theirs, Christmas Day,
|St Paddy’s, and Easter at ours. I’ll be standing up at her wedding
|next year, and we’ve added on a bunch of other families that bring
|a diverse and delicious arrangement of food every year. I’m sorry
|about your mom, and I’m sorry that your husband‘s family is so
|inadequate and stepping in to a small fraction of her role . It
|sounds like you have a great man, a lucky daughter, and a bright
|future!
|u/Ok_Policy_1745 - 11 hours
|
|Listen. There is nothing like having your own family traditions. My
|friends who had to haul over to family growing up talk about how
|much they hated it. My mom came from that kind of upbringing and
|swore that her family wouldn't have to be dragged around on the
|holidays. Holiday dinners at our house were always amazing and
|chosen family in attendance instead of people who felt we were
|expendable is how I plan to operate with my family. time to do your
|own thing with people who put you first.
|u/New-Bar4405 - 10 hours
|
|I don't mind hauling it over to my family.Because my family makes
|breakfast and we show up in our pajamas
|u/New-Bar4405 - 10 hours
|
|Sometimes if schedules align we put on real clothes and have
|dinner with all the cousins and its fun because its not every
|year its like a special event xmas
|u/throwitaway3857 - 9 hours
|
|NTA. I’m spiteful. I would’ve said everything you said and added
|that since we’re not welcome, I guess we won’t have you to future
|events. If it’s not important to have your granddaughter there now,
|you’re not important enough to stay in her life. But I also tend
|to go nuclear. Protect you and your peace. I get your mother in law
|is in a hard place, but the SIl shouldn’t go if she’s the one with
|the issue. Not. You. Not. Your daughter. Start your own
|traditions and kudos to your husband for standing up for you both.
|u/jo-mama-cp - 10 hours
|
|I would just do that this year since it will make them less
|stressful for you, your sis in law will have to realize how stupid
|her ask was, and how unfair for your MIL. I’d seriously make
|other plans for no other reason than you’ll enjoy it more. I think
|I round have to sit this year out. Alternative- just a casual
|Sunday dinner around the wk if Thanksgiving and invite all your
|friends and family (including the SIL) you will feel loved and
|supported and you are making your own tradition. I have a friend d
|that had a “leftovers potluck” the Friday night after Thanksgiving.
|You can bring leftovers or not just show up and drop in for a
|drink. This allows you to take back your power. Good luck- tough
|sitch but you are right in how you feel.
|u/blukwolf - 10 hours
|
|Girl do this instead. MIL has clearly picked a side, and even if it
|seems extreme, the best thing right now is to give her exactly what
|she wants. If she comes to regret it, that's on her, but you don't
|have to put up with it and Ashley's attitude the whole night only
|to have it ruined bc of them. Invite some friends over and have
|fun with them, promise it'll be worth it. NTA
|u/Sleep_adict - 9 hours
|
|A few years in a row we had a “ rejects thanksgiving” that was a
|bunch of random people we knew not invited or who had to stay home,
|from a lawyer friend who had a discovery the day after and couldn’t
|fit to his family, to the mother and autistic son who just got
|divorced because the dad couldn’t cope… It was truly amazing and
|everyone loved it.
|u/mouse_attack - 9 hours
|
|It's a gift, in a way. It can be really hard to make the transition
|from being adult children of older parents to the head of your own
|family holidays. You have the green light now to create the
|traditions you want your daughter to grow up with.
|u/GiraffeGirlLovesZuri - 8 hours
|
|You are NTA As a woman who went through infertility and never had
|a baby, I totally understand what Ashley might be feeling. I had 4
|nephews get their wives/girlfriends accidentally pregnant, while I
|was struggling to get pregnant. Not once did I ever think of asking
|them to do something like this. If I was extremely emotional
|(fertility drugs, ugh) I stayed home. It was as simple as that.
|u/NeartAgusOnoir - 6 hours
|
|OP, tell your husband you’ll follow his lead, then add that he
|should reach out to younger siblings and explain to them exactly
|what happened. Tell them you two are going to start your own
|traditions for the holidays since the MIL and FIL so obviously are
|willing to throw y’all’s feelings to the curb. Make sure to tell
|them you’re not saying to choose, but you just wanted to let them
|know, and let them know they are welcome to stop by after the
|family event with Ashley….but Ashley is certainly not invited at
|this point. She chose to make it about her, so go LC or NC with
|her. Some advice on how to do a “Friendsgiving”….have a small
|dinner with the three of you ON thanksgiving, and do a big party
|fri or sat or sun after(that way people have time to hit the stores
|for Black Friday sales, and know they can stop by and relax after).
|For Christmas, do the same….even set the party for Christmas Eve so
|you have a fun gathering then, and do just you and your husband and
|kid for Christmas Day. My family, up until a few years ago,
|actually never celebrated those two holidays ON the holiday itself
|due to all of us working retail and being stuck working those days.
|We all always had the following Sunday off, so THAT day became our
|holiday each year. I truly wish you the best, and you’ve got a
|great husband who has shown you YOU are his priority. Make sure to
|have his back now bc his parents upset his world.
|u/New-Bar4405 - 10 hours
|
|Have a friendsgiving! Set up your own calm relaxed Christmas
|morning under the xmas tree where you can soak it in and enjoy it.
|Also let husband handle his family.It's your mother-in-law that
|told you she didn't want you.At thanksgiving or christmas because
|of ashley but it's his mom that told him she was picking his
|sibling over him.
|u/RecipeRare4098 - 10 hours
|
|Invite the rest of the family as well. No family wants to miss the
|baby's first holidays. Let the in-laws be alone with their selfish
|daughter. I would not want to miss my niece on her first holidays.
|Even though she's too little to remember, I would remember. So give
|everyone an opportunity to come and spend time with you guys and
|the baby and then go over to the mother in laws afterwards or
|before just don't make them feel like they're excluded because of
|the mother in law's insensitivity and being manipulated by her
|daughter. Make new family. My friends are closer and more family
|than blood. I am so sorry you lost your Mom. I have actually cried
|looking at my baby girl, wishing my Mom could have held her and
|loved her. I understand wanting to have that bond. I am so sorry
|your MIL broke your heart. I could not forgive that. I would
|eventually be able to be civil and maybe even cordial. But I would
|NEVER forgive her for taking something that is once in a lifetime
|away from my baby. Go make new traditions with your beautiful baby
|girl. And give MIL and SIL plenty of space. Sad she has such an
|ugly heart. I know people who struggle with fertility and still
|have the love in their heart to celebrate the babies in the family.
|It is extremely hard, but they realize that they can't make the
|world stop because of them. They show genuine love, not bitter hate
|and jealousy. What is supposed to happen on your daughter's
|birthday? Are you supposed to not celebrate? If it were the other
|way around, she would be highly offended that everyone tried to
|exclude her and her child. She seriously needs counseling. Not
|being mean or judging, but she needs help dealing with her emotions
|in a healthy way.
|u/CatmoCatmo - 6 hours
|
|OP, I don’t know where you’re located, but should you happen to be
|in the Michigan area, I am formally inviting you to my family’s
|thanksgiving and Christmas. I have two little girls, 4 and 7. We
|would love to have you. It’s always “the more the merrier” at our
|house. As my dad would say, there might even be something under
|the tree for you all if you play your cards right. No dish to pass
|is needed! Just come in by if you please.
|u/Amazing_Cabinet1404 - 9 hours
|
|If your MIL thinks the baby not attending the holiday will make
|everyone forgets she exists she completely out of her mind.
|u/stargal81 - 6 hours
|
|And post *lots* of pics online, especially of Baby's First
|Christmas. Let them see what they're missing, & they'll probably
|also get questioned by other family members as to why they aren't
|in any of them.
|u/Stunning-Market3426 - 10 hours
|
|Good attitude! Start your own family tradition…you will be happier
|if you do.
|u/DifficultHeat1803 - 8 hours
|
|This made me sick to my stomach. I know you cannot suggest it, but
|SIL needs therapy. I am glad your husband is on your side. 🙏
|u/whybother_incertname - 7 hours
|
|It’s needed. Stop going to your inlaws. They are not your family &
|never truly will be, your SIL has made sure of that. Your friends
|will become your true family because they want to not out of any
|obligation. NTA
|u/Alternative-Cry-3517 - 6 hours
|
|I dealt with exclusionary behaviors regarding grandchildren by my
|inlaws. I decided to focus on what was best for my kids and
|centered the holidays on having fun with them. It opened up a lot
|of opportunities to relax at home in the morning and going to
|dinner with family in the afternoon. No rushing, time for naps, as
|they aged we had a lot of flexibility. Our parents got used to us
|holding the reigns, we set precedent for the younger siblings. I
|have 2 SILs that could not have children. Despite the grief, they
|were gracious and happy for siblings who had kids. And they are
|both hands-down the best and most favorite aunties. We are blessed
|to have them both. I hope Ashley reaches that mindset. In the
|meantime, you guys and baby girl are now a unit and it's perfectly
|fine to blaze new trails for everything. Best of luck, have great
|holidays. My turning point, after several years of rushing off
|early in the morning, long days, poor napping in the excitement,
|was when we all had the flu. We told the parentals and felt sorry
|for ourselves. Hubby, the least sick, ran to the store to get
|breakfast and dinner supplies. We had nice treats for our sick
|selves. The next day, house smells delicious, kids are playing
|with our presents (something they'd never gotten to do
|because...rushing around), we're relaxing, and we looked at each
|other and realized things needed to change. And so we did. And it
|was wonderful.
|u/shortandcurlie - 11 hours
|
|This is the way
|u/LetsGetsThisPartyOn - 8 hours
|
|Do that and exclude the MiL for “her mental health” Mil can’t love
|your baby and exclude it
|u/Squishy_bear_1218 - 6 hours
|
|I assure you that you are NTA. My parents and in laws would cut off
|their limbs with a dull saw before they gave up seeing my child, or
|any of their grandchildren for Christmas. Make new traditions
|with your family who wants to spend time with you!!
|u/archiangel - 6 hours
|
|OP - I hope you and your husband have the most wonderful holiday
|season with the rest of your chosen family. I cannot fathom how
|selfish the SIL is to deprive her entire family the joy of a baby,
|and a lot of ‘firsts!’ Instead of being resentful over the
|existence of your child and taking it out on all of you, she should
|be happy that you and your family did not have to suffer loss like
|she did, and embrace the child that is. It’s already harsh to
|expect the mother and father of a four-month old to leave their
|child behind for a social event, but for the big, family-oriented
|holidays? FWIW, I found out I was pregnant right before my
|cousin’s wedding. I found out around the same time that my SIL, who
|was going to be at the same wedding, was also pregnant and
|expecting a few weeks before me. It was with joy I shared the info
|confidentially with her and my brother before seeing each other in
|person at the wedding. Unfortunately, I learned that the fetus was
|likely not viable the week we were to fly out to attend the
|wedding, and it hard knowing I was in the middle of a missed
|miscarriage *at* the wedding. But that did not keep me from
|celebrating the beginnings of my cousin’s new stage in life, nor
|celebrating my SIL’s pregnancy with her. Seeing other children
|there made me a bit wistful, but I did not throw a tantrum or
|demand they be removed from my presence. It is possible to be sad
|and not take it out on others. Kudos to your husband for having
|your back. It seems to me SIL has let her resentment towards your
|husband fester for so long, and because the whole family has always
|let her accusations of favoritism stand and humored her, she has
|now weaponized blaming your husband for everything (even things
|he’s not at fault for) and manipulating the family emotionally to
|get her way. Have your husband talk to your MIL, maybe she has
|realized the ask was ridiculous and wants to apologize profusely.
|But let him handle it if she is still insisting on sparing your
|SIL’s feelings.
|u/MagicLilyx - 12 hours
|
|I totally agree. Let your husband handle his side of the family and
|their drama, while you focus on creating your own traditions. You and
|your baby deserve to be around people who support and appreciate you.
|Take control of your happiness and make it special for your little
|family OP.
|u/Daut1982a1 - 12 hours
|
|Exactly, setting boundaries and starting your own traditions sounds
|like the perfect move. MIL’s actions have consequences.
|u/bunnymoll - 10 hours
|
|A similar thing happened to me. My family was living in another
|country, ne husband, new baby, and my 3 SILs were blindly jealous
|that i had the first grandchild and were cold and mean. My husband
|said we'd have to form our own holiday traditions with friends and so
|we did. I am sorry, but this treatment is going to continue: at an
|SIL's wedding, ten years later, they told me to step out of the
|family pictures because i wasn't 'blood-related'. My husband was
|livid and we all left. You cannot stay in this group. Create a
|stronger, kinder group for your newfamily. You have your husband's
|support, and that's gold.
|u/Strikelight72 - 10 hours
|
|People sensitive like the SIL may not be meant to be a mother. It is
|crazy that she can not see other people happy because she can have a
|baby.
|u/Worldly_Internal5734 - 9 hours
|
|This. All 3 of you should stay home and have your own festivities. I
|had a miscarriage and everyone around me continued to have babies. I
|continued to be happy for them. Your SIL is a spoiled AH.
|u/Affectionate-Lynx865 - 10 hours
|
|THIS!! His family has enabled his sister’s obvious mental health
|issues. Grown ass adults learn how to handle disappointment and
|other people’s success/happiness. What if she NEVER gets pregnant?
|What if other siblings have kids? Is everyone just going to tiptoe
|around Ashley because she won’t see a therapist and work through her
|feelings?
|u/rigbysgirl13 - 9 hours
|
|And he can tell his mother to f*ck off with her BS. Jesus! To expect
|OP to sit home and hide her infant for this spoiled brat of a
|daughter. It is hard but we sometimes have to suck it up.
|u/Comicreliefnotreally - 8 hours
|
|I would get messy and tell people, If I was the husband “out of
|respect for my sister my wife and daughter have been uninvited from
|the family celebrations. So no one focuses on the baby. I decided to
|stay home with my family.” Easy to suggest when Im on my couch,
|watching a Christmas movie and not going through it. Sorry it was
|suggested OP. Did Ashley actually make the request for staying home
|or did MIL read between lines about her dreading the focus of the
|baby?
|u/middleagemomprobs - 7 hours
|
|Kudos to your husband, MIL was expecting him to ditch you and baby,
|but he has his priorities STRAIGHT. Ashley doesn’t want anyone to
|love her neice bc it isn’t her baby. Woof.
|u/Janetaz18 - 13 hours
|
|NTA. What were MIL and FIL's plans if Ashley is never able to have a
|baby? Leave you out until your child is an adult? It's sad that she
|hasn't been able to get pregnant but it shouldn't mean that you and
|your child are treated any differently.
|u/BeachinLife1 - 12 hours
|
|Yeah, and if they have another child, it'll be THAT child's "first"
|Thanksgiving and Christmas. It could go on forever.
|u/shrimpandshooflypie - 11 hours
|
|It makes me mad that MIL tainted these first special holidays for
|their new little family - no matter what happens, her stupidity now
|shadows it for them. I’m just so sorry for OP and her husband; they
|should be able to be enjoy those first milestones without family
|drama.
|u/Cold_Strategy_1420 - 8 hours
|
|You can’t undo the hurt. This was a DIL who was happy to be part
|of the family.
|u/ladychaos23 - 4 hours
|
|This is the saddest part for me. You read all the time about
|MILs and DILs hating each other and the MIL losing her son
|because of it. This woman has a DIL who is enthusiastic about
|being a part of the whole family, not just being a wife for the
|son. I can't imagine ever doing anything to intentionally make
|my son's (or my daughter's, for that matter) future partner
|feel like a lesser family member, especially if they want and
|work to have a good relationship with me. OP deserves better.
|u/Odd_Campaign_307 - 5 hours
|
|I think it's even worse because this isn't OP's first Christmas
|without her mom, but it will be her first Christmas as a mom. No
|wonder she broke down and cried. She'll never have that three
|generations photo by the Christmas tree or see her daughter open
|that first present from grandma. Being surrounded by a big
|loving family was exactly what OP needed this year. Grief can
|ambush you out of nowhere, even years later. Instead her MIL's
|brain was three sizes too small and Ashley? I think it's her
|heart that's the issue. I'm glad her husband has a good head on
|his shoulders. He should deal with his family and get them to
|back off.
|u/LauraBth02 - 4 hours
|
|This 100%. And they'll remember every year at the holidays, too.
|u/FitOrFat-1999 - 9 hours
|
|This all comes under the heading of MIL "not thinking things
|through." IMO she should recommend Ashley find a therapist who
|will help her develop coping skills to deal with painful reality.
|u/black_anarchy - 8 hours
|
|Personally, I have never understood people like Ashley's. It
|always sounds selfish, egotistical and even unethical. Because
|if I can't have that neither can you! Instead of cherishing the
|moment, treasuring her niece and fomenting a great dynamic, she's
|making it about her feelings.
|u/teamdogemama - 9 hours
|
|Exactly what I was thinking. I hope OP asks mil about this.
|u/Friendly_Lab7306 - 13 hours
|
|My husband said the same thing… thanks for your perspective
|u/Radiant_Western_5589 - 11 hours
|
|Make sure you reach out to your husband’s brothers I know I would
|want to be at my niblings firsts even if my parents are being
|myopic. They might want to spend the time with you guys, so please
|extend an invite to them. You guys might not be the only people
|hurt by this.
|u/Covert_Pudding - 9 hours
|
|Yeah, I'd be furious if I didn't get to see my new nibling! I
|hope OP considers inviting them over for evening dessert and
|coffee or Black Friday lunch.
|u/Kaetrin - 11 hours
|
|I'm so glad your husband isn't buying into any of this nonsense.
|He's prioritising your and your child which is 100% right.
|u/FunkyHighOnYellowSun - 10 hours
|
|Yeah, hubby’s a rockstar! Handling this perfectly sounds like
|u/NoBig5292 - 7 hours
|
|Green flags everywhere!! Get honey roasted!
|u/MA-Donna - 11 hours
|
|Your husband has probably been dealing with the favoritism of
|Princess Ashley his whole life . MIL has to stop; your husband
|needs to make his mother see that her actions are creating
|consequences for her relationship with her daughter in law and her
|firstborn grandchild. Now that your husband has a family to
|protect, it is time to stand up to Mom and demand equity in
|displaying her love to her children and their families. I am
|sorry that you lost your family members and were hoping MIL has
|extra love to share. I think that Ashley is getting all that she
|has…… 😪
|u/False_Dimension9212 - 9 hours
|
|She’s the only daughter. 3 boys and 1 girl. Of course she’s the
|golden child.
|u/Gentle_Genie - 11 hours
|
|Ashley is being a b!tch. It might not be fair to judge mil so
|harshly. Who knows what theatrics Ashley pulled to get mil to even
|do all that.
|u/EnthusiasmElegant442 - 10 hours
|
|Ashley wants her baby to be the grandchild that the grandparents
|dote on.
|u/court_milpool - 10 hours
|
|As someone who did have fertility issues, Ashley needs to grow the
|fuck up. She can quietly leave if she’s upset but babies don’t
|cease to exist in the world because she has fertility issues
|u/scotian1009 - 8 hours
|
|Agree! The grandparents are missing baby’s firsts. From the
|sounds of it Ashley wants her baby to be baby’s first. Selfish if
|so. Spoiled also.
|u/Anotheropinion2023 - 11 hours
|
|I also could not have children and suffered miscarriage. I love my
|nieces and nephews, and I am grateful for them. Ashley has serious
|issues and her parents should encourage counseling, not avoidance.
|Build your own joy, but also understand your MIL was put in a
|horrible place by her daughter. I suggest not shutting her out of
|you and your daughters’ life forever. Maybe move at your own pace,
|but please consider if you want them blocked forever.
|u/AvocadoLongjumping72 - 7 hours
|
|Maybe he should ask his mother that directly. Here's another good
|test question that will also go a long way towards showing who the
|real favorite child is. If she does eventually have a baby, would
|MIL ask HER to leave her baby and/or partner out of their first
|family holidays because it upset your husband and you remembering
|how you missed your first family holidays with your newborn?
|u/teamdogemama - 9 hours
|
|Good. Enjoy your in-law free Thanksgiving and Christmas. His mom
|made her choice and now she has to live with it. And what if the
|sil never has kids? Your child(ren) are always second thoughts?
|That sister needs help. Miscarriages are not easy but this is
|ridiculous. Sending you hugs.
|u/Armenian-heart4evr - 11 hours
|
|Like someone already said, start the Holidays by throwing your own
|FRIENDSGIVING! Take LOTS of videos and pic's, and be sure to share
|them with"FAM" !!! 💞💖💞🙏
|u/mjw217 - 11 hours
|
|I had two cousins who were unable to get pregnant. One interacted
|with all the kids and babies. The other kept her distance. For me,
|getting pregnant was as easy as him looking at me. I was very
|lucky. I was never asked to stay home because of my cousin.
|You’re not shoving your baby in her face; it seems like your MIL
|could have just reminded the other guests ahead of time to be
|sensitive to SIL’s feelings. She (MIL) definitely didn’t think this
|through, but I would also have felt horrible. You’re NTA. This
|year, invite a few people over and have a fun time. You can re-
|visit the idea of going to your in-laws house next year. You may
|have so much fun this year, that the holidays at your house becomes
|tradition!
|u/Difficult_Jello_7751 - 6 hours
|
|Would she tell Ashley to stay home with her baby if the roles were
|reversed? Do you think this came from Ashley? Or genuinely all MIL
|doing?
|u/daximuscat - 11 hours
|
|Hard agree. I am sterile, and not by my own choice—I had one child
|for transparency’s sake of this comment. I am deeply sad I won’t be
|able to have another, and I deal with the mixed feelings when people
|close to me make announcements/have babies. But I’m a fucking grown
|up and I know damn well nobody is taking anything from me by growing
|their family and I don’t need a spotlight on me because of my own
|struggles. Ashley needs to get over herself and realize that or she’s
|going to be a nasty person that nobody wants to be around eventually.
|u/Ok-Many4262 - 10 hours
|
|I’m childfree not by choice, and yeah, it pokes a sore spot when
|friends and family have babies…and then I meet them and I’m a
|puddle of goo…and get to give them back when they emit bodily
|fluids. Ashley sounds obnoxious, and MIL like an enabler
|u/Connect_Amount_5978 - 9 hours
|
|Also… but the grief and pain gets better! I’m pretty ok these
|days 💙
|u/UrsulaWasFramed - 9 hours
|
|Also childfree and after lots of therapy I’m ok with it. Wasn’t
|at first but now I’m excited to be CF and live how I want. I
|never gave anyone any guff when they got pregnant. Hell…I have 10
|nieces and nephews and I love them all. I never once felt like I
|had the right to tell my sisters to not come because I couldn’t
|handle it.
|u/Fyrekitteh - 10 hours
|
|My brother and I haven't had a decent conversation in 11 years
|because I had a baby when his wife miscarried. She wouldn't let him
|see me because of how bad her depression and psychosis was. And he
|catered to her and never spoke to me again. Never underestimate how
|far hurt people will go to fracture families.
|u/baronesslucy - 8 hours
|
|It really sad how many people do this because it's a lot more than
|what you think.
|u/Life-Weird1959 - 7 hours
|
|I am so sorry for this happening to you. It is just heartbreaking
|to think about.
|u/Fyrekitteh - 7 hours
|
|I mean...we grew up close. But then he bet against my marriage,
|laughing with his friends, saying that I'd fail. So, in the end,
|the trash took itself out.
|u/Love_Bug_54 - 11 hours
|
|Say Ashley DOES eventually have a baby. I think we all know who the
|favorite grandchild will be. Just something to consider for the
|future.
|u/Signal_Historian_456 - 9 hours
|
|This. And bet as the rainbow baby it will get cherished and
|worshipped, and put first - be side you have to understand she’s a
|miracle! - and she’s younger! - and she deserves this! - it’s not
|that bad! It’s disgusting. And I definitely wouldn’t go to
|thanksgiving and Christmas this year. Plus, I don’t see this being
|solved in the near future. Maybe block her for now so you won’t
|see her trying to contact you and it has to go through your
|husband.
|u/xCuteButterfly - 11 hours
|
|I agree. If Ashley never has a baby, would they just keep excluding
|you and your daughter? It's really unfortunate that Ashley is going
|through that, but it doesn't mean you and your child should be
|treated like this. Family should be about support, not choosing sides
|or making one person feel unwanted OP. NTA
|u/UnluckyAssist9416 - 10 hours
|
|Not just OP and their kids, but what about her other 2 kids? When
|they have kids, will it just be MIL and SIL having Christmas while
|the rest of the family celebrates with OP?
|u/SidewaysTugboat - 10 hours
|
|Also, what happens if they go along with this? The rest of the family
|was looking forward to seeing the new baby. When husband shows up by
|himself, there is going to be a huuuuuuge blowout and the family will
|absolutely turn on Ashley and mom for being selfish. This is a recipe
|for disaster.
|u/Covert_Pudding - 9 hours
|
|I assumed MIL was going to lie about why OP and the baby "couldn't
|make it" 🙄
|u/Atalanta8 - 10 hours
|
|It's not about the baby. SIL hates OP and manipulates her parents. I
|have the same SIL. We're NC with her. Fuck those bitches jealous of
|their brothers' wives.
|u/NoBig5292 - 7 hours
|
|I wonder how much of the "he's my twin, you took him away from me"
|crap is behind a lot of her behavior?
|u/Main_Fun_9112 - 10 hours
|
|Yup. Speaking as someone with infertility, if we felt uncomfortable
|we didn't go, but we sure would never ask to exclude \*other\*
|people. Very childish of them. Infertility is so common (something
|like 1 in 7 couples) and most of us behave like grownups.
|u/zxvasd - 10 hours
|
|Everyone’s already invited. If you have a problem with someone,
|that’s yours to deal with. Come and be nice, or do something else
|that day. It’s your choice. We’re not going to be cruel to someone
|for your comfort. It’s your responsibility to get therapy or
|whatever.
|u/littletorreira - 10 hours
|
|Her child and any other grandchild until Ashley has one?
|u/SassyPeach1 - 9 hours
|
|Ashley is a selfish self-absorbed bitch and everyone is indulging
|her.
|u/_87- - 9 hours
|
|How sad would it be if Ashley is never able to have a baby and then
|continues to ruin her chance to be an aunt too
|u/lecorbeauamelasse - 12 hours
|
|>I know she also has some resentment towards Tyler, and sometimes
|comments on the fact that he’s the favorite and that everything comes
|easy to him. >My MIL said that she was looking forward to spending
|the holidays with us, especially since it’s our daughter’s first
|Thanksgiving and Christmas, but she’s trying to think of her daughter’s
|feelings as well. My MIL basically asked if we could either sit out on
|the family Thanksgiving and Christmas this year or hire sitter to watch
|our daughter so all the focus won’t be on her. My MIL even floated the
|idea of me staying home with the baby, and my husband stopping by
|quickly to say hello. Spoiler alert: your husband is not, in fact, the
|favorite. Good for your husband for standing his ground and stepping
|up for you and your wee one. Let him take the lead with his family,
|that's his job and he seems to be doing it very well. All the best to
|you and your family.
|u/smolandlazy - 11 hours
|
|She sounds like the golden child that swears she is the least
|favorite and has a ton of mental issues because of it
|u/New-Bar4405 - 10 hours
|
|The one who is so coddled that she struggles to succeed in life
|where shes not the golden child and resents her siblings success
|while unable to acknowledge that shes the favorite and they were
|driven to succeed outside the family bc they couldn't succeed in
|it. The golden child dynamic also harms the ganywaychild
|especially if it keeps them.from succeeding putside the family
|u/Kerberos1566 - 6 hours
|
|Someday OP will have to fill us in on how it's possible that her 32
|year old husband has a twin sister who is apparently 5 years old.
|u/paegus - 4 hours
|
|My wife's older sister. Eldest narcissistic victim daughter who
|has always hated my wife, the middle syndrome'd child. She had to
|struggle while everything just dropped into my wife's lap. She
|forgets what people have done for her in 2 seconds but will
|aggressively throw what little things she's done for others back in
|everyone's faces decades later. She their mother like absolute shit
|but is always let back in. Dad's little girl, always forgiven with
|time. She gets so much more attention from them than my wife does
|because she's their daughter and they don't want to lose contact
|with their 4th grandchild who lives 20 minuter away... She was
|livid, going on multiple tirades about how unfair it was when we
|had our kids. How we should have waited for her, since she's the
|oldest, she deserves that respect, etc. It's mind boggling why
|they keep letting her back in. It breaks my wife's heart to see
|all the crap thrown her and her mum's way, yet, the older sister is
|the precious one who needs help and support and so on and so forth.
|No one sticks up for her. Always dear eldest
|u/SafiyaMukhamadova - 11 hours
|
|He's absolutely not the favorite if he's the FIRST person they think
|to flush their relationship with down the toilet bowl. And from the
|sounds of it they care about OP and the baby even less.
|u/Chaoticgood790 - 13 hours
|
|NTA let your husband handle this and block your MIL for now. The fact
|that they are so insane to suggest you leave your baby at home?!? Who
|in their right mind suggests that? I will say one positive thing out
|of this: your husband is a keeper
|u/Friendly_Lab7306 - 13 hours
|
|Totally! Neither of us would leave her on her first Thanksgiving or
|Christmas! It was a crazy suggestion. My husband is amazing
|u/BestAd5844 - 12 hours
|
|What do his other siblings think? Maybe they would be open to
|joining you and your little family to celebrate and the in laws can
|have their own celebration with Ashley?
|u/PurposeNo9940 - 12 hours
|
|That's a great idea and similar to what I would suggest. For
|years my husband's siblings were in a feud with each other (but
|not with my husband), so we went to different houses on Xmas days
|so we get to see all his siblings, just separately.
|u/Crafty_Special_7052 - 12 hours
|
|I was thinking this! Maybe they should have their own
|Thanksgiving at home and invite the other siblings who are not
|involved in this.
|u/Mintyfresh2022 - 10 hours
|
|If your MIL keeps trying to contact you, just redirect her to your
|husband. It's not on you to smooth things over.
|u/No_Inspection_7176 - 9 hours
|
|Yeah my jaw was literally on the floor. Just leave the baby for her
|first holiday? How unbelievably selfish. I’d go no contact over
|this, MIL would be feeling my wrath.
|u/Adorable-Cricket9370 - 9 hours
|
|I’m sad that your family thought you and your daughter were
|optional. That’s got to be an awful feeling. I’m sorry that it
|casts a pall on your daughter’s first holidays. If you can, don’t
|let it! Take her around people who will be so excited to spend
|time with her on her first holidays, as sadly it doesn’t seem like
|her grandparents are of that mind.
|u/GroovyYaYa - 12 hours
|
|What I can't wrap my head around is "leave baby at home" - WITH
|WHO???
|u/Chaoticgood790 - 12 hours
|
|lol the babysitter. The magical unicorn that works on Christmas Day
|u/GroovyYaYa - 11 hours
|
|I mean... if you had some lovely Jewish bubbe across the street
|maybe... but Jewish people celebrate Thanksgiving too!
|u/Dry_University_1031 - 8 hours
|
|Keep in mind that Hanukkah starts on 12/25 this year.
|u/On_my_last_spoon - 7 hours
|
|Of course it does
|u/goamash - 10 hours
|
|Incidentally, some of us do have this 😄 my neighbors are Jewish
|and our kids are less than a year apart.
|u/GroovyYaYa - 9 hours
|
|My friends would be available - but now that their kids are
|older, they did find a Chinese restaurant and they go to a
|movie! Yes, we all have done the jokes!
|u/GothicGingerbread - 11 hours
|
|And Thanksgiving!
|u/vorique - 9 hours
|
|I was a babysitter for years. I would work thanksgiving,
|Christmas and NYE every year… for an according rate. Once I
|started to work a corporate job, I would still be the first
|volunteer to work on any holiday… for OT pay of course… In my
|country we have a saying “it’s the need that makes the frog
|jump”. You do what you gotta do 🤷🏻♀️
|u/zeugma888 - 9 hours
|
|Even if you were to consider her silly request how are you supposed
|to find a babysitter for a very young baby on Christmas Day?
|u/Traditional-Ad2319 - 13 hours
|
|I've read other posts on here like that where someone is having trouble
|getting pregnant so the rest of the family is supposed to pretend that
|they don't have kids or they're not pregnant or they have a baby. This
|is a ridiculous way to live. While I feel very sorry for someone who
|wants to get pregnant and is having difficulty it doesn't mean the rest
|of the world has to start pretending they don't have babies. This is a
|grown-up woman she needs to learn to deal if she can't she should stay
|home.
|u/dragonfly287 - 12 hours
|
|Ashley needs therapy
|u/craftymomma111 - 11 hours
|
|So does her mother
|u/Traditional-Ad2319 - 12 hours
|
|She really does.
|u/Viperbunny - 11 hours
|
|It's insane that people don't deal with their trauma. My oldest died
|at six days old to trisomy 18. My first OB lied to me. We didn't know
|she sick. I had her at 29 weeks. I never expected people to hide
|their pregnancies or babies from me! They didn't kill me baby. Was it
|hard? Sure, but avoiding triggers makes them worse. You don't always
|have to face them. We went to our best friend's wedding (they met at
|ours) but left early, for example. No one has to accommodate us and
|we stepped out quietly when we had to and people understood. Ashley
|could have stayed home. Mil shouldn't have played favorites.
|u/Top_Put1541 - 10 hours
|
|I’m so sorry for your loss.
|u/Viperbunny - 10 hours
|
|Thank you. That was 13 years ago. I was able to have two more
|daughters and they are healthy and happy. We just played some
|Mario Party, are pizza, and I am sharing my music with my
|youngest. Losing her will always hurt, but she made me a better
|mom and I am so grateful I had a chance to be her mom.
|u/dart1126 - 12 hours
|
|Yep I’m so tired of these people saying even family babies need to be
|removed from their sight. The minute they have their baby then
|everything will finally be fine, and everyone will be expected to
|dote on their kid because it’s a miracle. And then suddenly they’ll
|acknowledge the existence of other kids. The in laws should not be
|entertaining this crap attitude and act like they condone it. If
|SIL can’t handle the baby, aside from a lecture and therapy, then
|what she needs is to volunteer to be excluded
|u/I_cant_remember_u - 12 hours
|
|Exactly. SIL is acting like a spoiled child who’s not getting her
|way, and trying to dictate life for others. Personally, I am at an
|age now where I probably won’t be able to have children, and believe
|me it hurts to think about. I see my cousins having kids and I can’t
|help but feel a little jealous. But you know whose problem that is?
|Mine! Not anyone else’s. Besides, when I got to see my baby
|cousin/niece (I’m an honorary aunt) for the first time, all that
|jealousy melted away. If I had let my issues get in the way, I
|wouldn’t have gotten to be a godmother, or Auntie Kala 😂.
|u/wiggles105 - 10 hours
|
|Right? OP is definitely NTA. That mindset is stupid, selfish, and
|immature. My kids are 5 years apart because I had 5 early
|miscarriages/chemical pregnancies between them. My brother and SIL
|have two daughters; she was pregnant with a third, but they had to
|terminate because the fetus had anencephaly. In my group of friends
|and family, multiple women have had AT LEAST one miscarriage or
|problems conceiving. My best friend can’t have children but loves
|them. Guess what? We all pulled on our big girl panties and
|continued to live in a world full of children. We’ve continued to
|interact with our friends and families when everyone was having
|babies, no one was having babies, and some of us couldn’t have babies
|or were suffering losses. Because when you have close, meaningful
|relationships with loved ones, you don’t ask them to hide or diminish
|their joys or their suffering. If you’re struggling with not being
|able to have children so much that you can’t be around then, it’s on
|you to get some damn therapy and figure out how to work through it.
|In the meantime, you’re the one who needs to stay away for the
|holidays until you get the help you need. I’m so tired of hearing
|this shit.
|u/BackToGuac - 13 hours
|
|Omg absolutely NTA. Your MIL is being incredibly cruel and your husband
|is right, Ashley should be the one to sit out if she can’t manage her
|emotions. This is your baby’s first holiday period and should be one
|filled with joy and celebration for the new grandchild, it’s crazy to
|think it’s reasonable to ask you to sit out or to feign ignorance on
|how hurtful this is. I would go LC after this and do something really
|special just the 3 of you this year
|u/Friendly_Lab7306 - 13 hours
|
|Thanks so much for the advice… it’s nice to hear that I’m not
|overreacting and that my feelings are legit in this situation! I
|think the three of us will be celebrating as a small family unit this
|year
|u/EquivalentBend9835 - 12 hours
|
|It’s going to hurt for a long time, and no amount of sorry will
|change that feeling like a stranger looking in. Start your own
|traditions. Pajamas day….all day. Watching the parade, silly
|movies, eating junk. One thing I did with my two boys was each
|year, on the day after Thanksgiving, I would take them to buy an
|ornament for the tree. This way when they have their own Christmas
|tree, they have a part of their childhood to look at when they are
|not here. Their first ornaments were stating the year they were
|born on one side and baby’s first Christmas on the other. ((Hugs))
|be kind to yourself.
|u/Bakingmama1234 - 12 hours
|
|My kids get an ornament from my bff's mom (Grandma K) every year.
|I also get them one that goes on their stocking. It represents
|something about the past year. Karate, dance recitals, violin
|lessons, swimming, first job, first car. Sometimes, we make the
|ornaments. My oldest has his own tree now with all his
|ornaments. The younger ones love putting their ornaments on the
|tree.
|u/SilentJelly6737 - 11 hours
|
|We do this too. Like a little yearbook of memories.
|u/little_miss_beachy - 10 hours
|
|Oh I am going to take a page out of Grandma K's book. Love the
|idea of giving an ornament to guest.
|u/dinahdog - 10 hours
|
|Old boomer here. I still have a painted walnut with glitter on
|it from when I was 6. Memories are golden
|u/Creepy_Addict - 11 hours
|
|And do not allow MIL and FIL to visit at all that day. Either
|holiday. Tell them it's just for *your* family unit. They can see
|the baby another day...maybe.
|u/little_miss_beachy - 10 hours
|
|Great suggestion on not allowing the parents over on
|Thanksgiving.
|u/No_Scar_3499 - 11 hours
|
|My brother-in-law and his family would make all kinds of pies and
|then go to a Chinese buffet for the meal and go home and eat pie
|afterwards.
|u/Complex_Ratio9144 - 11 hours
|
|This! There are a lot of people lately who are feeling/being
|excluded from holiday celebrations this year for any number of
|reasons. They should start their own traditions . I love the
|suggestions above. We normally go camping for both Thanksgiving
|and Christmas.
|u/Catbutt247365 - 10 hours
|
|One year we were moving during Thanksgiving week, so our big
|dinner was pizza on the floor of the den watching Elf With the
|kids. BEST EVER
|u/No_Muffin6110 - 12 hours
|
|Have a friendsgiving celebration!!! 💓
|u/sk1999sk - 12 hours
|
|friendsgiving is great idea. my parents started that in our
|neighborhood. it brought everyone closer together and there were
|a few families that had no family close by. OP, when your little
|one is older (school age) your holiday traditions could include a
|nuclear family trip somewhere fun.
|u/CelticDoll95 - 12 hours
|
|^^^ "this so much. Growing up, we didn't have Thanksgiving with
|family. we had Thanksgiving with my dad's fellow submariners that
|didn't have somewhere to go. You want to know something. I can't
|remember what we had, but I remember the people
|u/my3kiddles - 11 hours
|
|This, so much this. My dad was in the Air Force, and we always
|had young, single air men at our house for the holidays .
|u/SnooMacarons4844 - 12 hours
|
|Plus, when does it end? Sit out the upcoming holidays & she still
|doesn’t get pregnant so Easter is a no go? Stay away for the 4th?
|You have to play keep away & no one gets to bond with your baby?
|And what if she never gets pregnant? Or she does finally have a
|baby, will you be allowed back then? It’s insane of them to ask
|this of you. NTA
|u/Cold_Strategy_1420 - 12 hours
|
|I was wondering how long it would be before SIL has a child.
|u/peachgreenteagremlin - 11 hours
|
|For some people it doesn’t happen, and it’s unfortunate, but
|it’s a possibility. SIL needs to come to terms with that -
|avoiding a new family member is not the solution. That’s her
|niece!
|u/RevolutionaryCow7961 - 11 hours
|
|I adopted. Not even a baby, because it would take too long.
|One of my favorite things was buying baby things for showers
|and birthdays. I just don’t get this constant wot is me I
|constantly see - no I can’t be around you and your happy
|baby. Good luck with life.
|u/hugatro - 9 hours
|
|you cant exclude new family members because other family members
|are upset. The new born is just as much family as Ashley. She
|deserves just as much respect. Same goes for the OP. My own uncle
|was infertile due to a childhood illness. He never took it out on
|his many nieces and nephews. He was never angry his brothers and
|sister had many children. He revelled in being an uncle. No adult
|should be taking out their pain and frustrations on children ever
|u/LibraryMouse4321 - 12 hours
|
|You are absolutely not overreacting. This should be a Thanksgiving
|and Christmas focused on your daughter, because of what a wonderful
|gift she is to the family. She should not be excluded to prevent
|what should be happening in a normal family. I think your MIL is
|being more stupid than mean. She’s trying to soothe her daughter at
|everyone else’s expense. What you should do is stay home from the
|holidays at your in-laws this year, and make your own celebrations.
|And invite your husband’s other siblings for part of each day. They
|can spend a little while with MIL and SIL, then spend some of the
|time with you and the baby. You can also invite friends that don’t
|have families, so they have somewhere to go and celebrate. Keep
|in mind that your other siblings-in-law are probably looking
|forward to spending the holidays with the first new baby and
|fawning all over her, instead of with sour puss Ashley.
|u/Isamosed - 12 hours
|
|OP can do a TG brunch. No turkeys involved. Make ahead breakfast
|casserole, 3 bags of Caesar salad (combined) and some fresh
|bread. Invite the younger sibs. Hell, invite everybody. See who
|comes. Be nice. This is YOUR holiday celebration. Do not go to
|the other (main) event. You can play this way on the night
|before Xmas as well (for this I’ve often done a bucket of fried
|chicken or even a frozen lasagna) Invite everybody, see who
|comes. Let them do their baby free holidays if that’s what they
|want. You don’t go to those. Nope. Not now not ever lol But
|things WILL change the minute Ashley has a kid and decides her
|twin brother’s child is important.
|u/Original_Pudding6909 - 11 hours
|
|I don’t think Ashley will *ever* care about her twin brother’s
|daughter. It’s clear Ashley is for Ashley, and only Ashley.
|u/ImmediateShallot7245 - 10 hours
|
|I wouldn’t let my child around someone like Ashley!
|u/Isamosed - 10 hours
|
|TBH, I agree, but I also failed to convey what I meant. I’ve
|seen this happen. Ashley could decide cousins are important
|set pieces to fill out her personal expectation of what Xmas
|for her child should look like (wherein Ashley stars as the
|VERY BEST MOTHER since Mary) I didn’t mean Ashley might
|change. No. Not in any meaningful way.
|u/Melodic-Heron-1585 - 11 hours
|
|You should take this as a cue to start your own holiday
|traditions. Matching pj's are super cute at that age, as is
|Christmas at Disney if it's in your budget- and you like that
|sort of thing. You can invite people over if you'd like, and then
|it's their choice. Take care to nourish YOUR family and
|traditions- time goes by so quickly. ( We do the ornament each
|year thing, too- it's super fun. )
|u/LibraryMouse4321 - 10 hours
|
|We do a photo ornament every year. After over 25 years for 2
|kids, that’s a lot of faces on the tree.
|u/Material_Cellist4133 - 13 hours
|
|NTA. But maybe create your own nuclear family and every holiday is
|spent with just you, your child, and husband moving forward.
|Actions should have consequences that should include your MIL
|missing out on all future holidays with your child for being a
|shitty grandmother
|u/Redd_on_the_hedd1213 - 12 hours
|
|I would absolutely do this. What they did is disgusting. How are
|you supposed to come back from that? No matter what they come up
|with, decline. I would be NC until after all these holidays &
|maybe longer. Please don't let them bully, guilt, plead, or
|otherwise talk you into going. You will regret it. Please have
|some self-respect. Good luck!
|u/Tundra-Queen8812 - 12 hours
|
|NTAH, I totally concur as what kind of Grandmother shuns her
|first grandchild? I know, one who doesn't deserve to be part
|of that child's life. I have a couple family members who would
|flake out on things for my kids when they were little. My Dad
|was one, said he would come to birthday's, Xmas, etc., and then
|no show. As my kids got older I just ignored my Dad when he
|said he would come. If he actually showed up it was a nice
|surprise but honestly my kids didn't even know who he was
|because he never put any effort into spending time with them.
|My children's great grandparents were closer to my kids than
|their grandfather my Dad. I did the same with a couple other
|family members who tried pulling drama and pulled stuff that
|would have hurt my kids if I had let them, I didn't. Just
|because someone shares blood or is kin through marriage does
|not make them a decent human being or give them a pass to have
|all access to children. I have a tradition I like to do with
|my kids after our Thanksgiving where we decorate for Christmas
|the weekend after Thanksgiving. My kids love this. Start your
|own traditions with your own little family. Cherish and enjoy
|them as kids grow fast and you'll blink and they will be grown.
|I'm sorry your MIL and SIL suck so bad. But congratulations on
|your daughter and I hope you have a beautiful Thanksgiving and
|Xmas with her and your husband. Internet hugs stranger.
|u/PoppinBubbles578 - 12 hours
|
|I love this idea. This is our new family’s tradition, you’re
|welcome to come by if you want (if OP & hubby are open to
|extending the invitation this year or ever) but I wouldn’t step
|foot in the IL’s house at any holiday again. I also hold a grudge
|and don’t speak to most of my birth family, so maybe don’t take
|all of my advice!
|u/MidLifeEducation - 12 hours
|
|I don't consider it holding a grudge. I prefer to look at it
|as a lesson learned. They've shown you who they are. You've
|chosen to believe them. That's not a grudge. It's accepting
|reality.
|u/Commercial_Let8546 - 11 hours
|
|It’s self respect. Once they show true Colors ,burn the
|bridge and never look back.
|u/MidLifeEducation - 11 hours
|
|Did that with my sperm donor 28 years ago. Haven't had one
|regret or lost a moment's sleep over it.
|u/Commercial_Let8546 - 11 hours
|
|Have done this with some in laws and it’s great. Did
|everything I could to be nice to everybody and was
|treated poorly because of pettiness and envy. They also
|all treat my husband and MIL like crap so eventually
|stepped away from their drama. He’s my family, they are
|not. With time he realized how bad they were too and has
|cut most of them out of his life other than his mom and
|his little brother. The other ones we act civil with but
|stay away from their events. He still goes to some stuff
|on other side of the family but since some family members
|go to both sides he understands why I won’t subject
|myself to it. His mom was shunned from the family and
|they turned most of the kids against her which is so sad
|because she is a wonderful person.
|u/Guilty-Web7334 - 12 hours
|
|I’m petty. I wouldn’t set foot in the IL’s house ever, under
|any circumstances. I’m also really good at not backing down.
|u/Sassii_Smooches - 12 hours
|
|I stand with this...
|u/External_Expert_2069 - 12 hours
|
|Oh honey, you are nowhere near being the AH. And you handled that
|conversation beautifully. You were transparent and respectful over
|something incredibly hurtful :-( I agree with the comment above, do
|something special with the 3 of you ❤️ This will give your in-laws
|time to really think about this….. I’m sorry for what your sister-
|in-law is going through but she is trying to manipulate the
|situation and punish you for having a child when she wants one.
|Talk to your mother-in-law when you are ready ❤️
|u/XANDERtheSHEEPDOG - 12 hours
|
|You are not overreacting
|u/Corpuscular_Ocelot - 12 hours
|
|Don't call your MIL back right noe. Have your husband deal with her
|in the short term. I can't believe she even made the suggestion
|that you abandon your child or your husban abandons both of you on
|your first family holiday. That is ridiculous. She doesn't want to
|even consider that her adult daughter should sit this one out, but
|thinks YOUR daughter should be with a sitter? Yikes.
|u/According_Pilot5927 - 12 hours
|
|She may not have thought it through but that doesn't lesson the
|harm that she has caused to the relationship. Go where you are
|loved, not where you are tolerated and it seems like you have your
|husband and daughter that love you.
|u/Hakthaf - 12 hours
|
|Do you have close friends of you and your husband that you could do
|something big with to celebrate together? Surround yourself with
|people who actually respect and care about your family.
|u/Hakthaf - 12 hours
|
|Also be prepared when they try to spin something when other
|family ask where you all are when missing this holiday.
|u/Flibertygibbert - 11 hours
|
|SiL thinks the baby will be the centre of attention?
|Multiply that by 10 if the parents attend without the baby!
|MiL is deluded.
|u/Scruffersdad - 11 hours
|
|I suggest that they get ahead of it and call the sibs asap and
|explain why they won’t be seeing baby for the holidays this
|year. Let the in-laws deal with the ramifications of their
|stupidity.
|u/Hakthaf - 11 hours
|
|Nah I'm more of sit back and watch the world burn. Go have a
|good holiday with people that care. And when texts arrive
|asking where you are, just respond in a group chat with
|everyone whose asking, include mil and fil, say mil asked we
|not attend as our child makes sil upset. Then sit back with
|popcorn, while snuggling with the kid.
|u/Butterbean-queen - 12 hours
|
|Definitely NTA. I can’t believe that your MIL would forgo her
|granddaughter’s first holidays for the sake of protecting a grown
|woman’s feelings. Yes I know what she’s going through is hard. But
|asking for a BABY not to attend a family get together to spare her
|feelings is absolutely ridiculous.
|u/gurlsncurls - 12 hours
|
|OP I’m also wondering what if God forbid Ashley can cannot have
|children, where does that leave you and your family will you be
|excluded from every family event because Ashley cannot cope?
|u/Gracelandrocks - 12 hours
|
|Even if your MIL backtracks, it's going to be very hard for you to
|forget and forgive her for this. You'll always hold it against her.
|I would suggest you go to therapy for yourself for a little bit.
|Grieve for your mom and loss of parental family, grieve for the
|family you thought you would have with the in-laws and heal.
|u/Poesbutler - 12 hours
|
|Yeah, NTA. MIL and FIL really thought excluding you and their
|first grandchild from her first holidays with them was
|appropriate??? It came out of their mouths, planned? That’s…
|tremendously hurtful.
|u/Hist_8675309 - 12 hours
|
|I am the Ashley in my family and yes it hurts my heart so much to
|see people have what I long so much for, but it is absolutely not
|acceptable for her to make her infertility anyone's problem. I have
|attended every baby shower, every birthday, every everything...and
|then my husband and I go home and have a good cry and move on. She
|needs to seek counseling if it's to the point of trying to exclude
|family from the holidays because of her pain.
|u/Burby-Honey-4343 - 9 hours
|
|This is because you are not a self indulgent person. You, unlike
|Ashley, are capable of great love despite your personal pain.
|u/Common_Scar4611 - 12 hours
|
|Your feelings are very legitimate. This would be a great time for
|the 3 of you to enjoy your first holidays as a family. Congrats on
|your new baby.
|u/Hardlyasubstitute - 11 hours
|
|And congrats on your husband for standing up to his parents
|without hesitation
|u/Forward_Role5334 - 12 hours
|
|I don’t want to add to your stress, but if everyone is excited to
|meet your little one, you might want to host a holiday open house
|where you have family over to meet your little one. Your feelings
|are valid and as much as I hate to say it, you can’t let your SIL
|dictate family gatherings. Otherwise, you and your child might be
|excluded from more than just these two family events.
|u/iamreenie - 11 hours
|
|I'd be pissed and upset. What happened if Ashley can't have kids?
|Are you going to be exiled permanently then? I went through what
|you're going through with my SIL (Lorna was married to my husband's
|brother). She was an absolute witch to me. I tried so hard to be
|nice to her. The nicer I was, the meaner and ruder she became
|towards me. What made it worse is she ganged up with my husband's
|sister, and they both went after me. This went on for 5 years. It
|came to a head when I became pregnant with our first child. Lorna
|couldn't have children. When she found out I was pregnant, she made
|very hurtful and snide remarks to me. I had put up with her shit
|for 5 years, and I always turned the other cheek. That ended that
|day. I literally yelled, and both Lorna and my other SIL, Patty,
|and I told them off, savagely. Everybody was stunned because I
|never yelled before, never stood up for myself, and I'm always
|happy. That day, I turned into a beast. And those witches never
|went after me again. Stand your ground. Your MIL needs to stop
|coddling her daughter. I'm glad your husband stood up for you.
|u/tygerbrees - 12 hours
|
|you're not over-reacting - it's your pain and expectations you had
|about your extended family - however, i think it's important that
|you MiL started backtracking when she got your perspective -- she,
|understandably, was focused on her daughter's pain, and her empathy
|probably over-rode a consideration of context and logic (like you
|and your husband are happy - her daughter's sad, so her daughter's
|sadness draws focus) now that you expressed your pain, she's able
|to see through the monocular way she was looking at the situation
|tell your MiL to give you a day or two and then talk
|u/Sassyblah - 12 hours
|
|This is such a mature and rational response. It seems like MIL is
|a loving person who really values OP and grand baby, but has
|unhealthy emotional boundaries. A big harm has happened, but that
|does not mean repair isn’t possible, and the chance for repair
|seems like it would be so much better for OP’s life overall than
|cutting out a chance for loving family because of one (super
|awful) mistake.
|u/LuckOfTheDevil - 11 hours
|
|I wouldn’t cut them off permanently for exactly all the reasons
|you and the one you’re replying to say… but I really don’t
|think that I would feel comfortable going this year. I would
|feel like the only reason I was there was because I threw a fit
|and mother-in-law didn’t actually want me there. It would feel
|awkward AF. I like the idea of doing their own thing at home
|and people can stop by who want to see them. ETA: Also I was
|thinking — Ashley sounds like kind of a sour and miserable
|human — but difficulty with trying to conceive can do that to
|somebody. But I’m wondering how much of this was Ashley… if
|any… and how much was mom being an emotional klutz who didn’t
|think of it from anyone else’s perspective (which is dumb,
|because what the hell did she think OP was going to say when
|she said “how about you just go away for Baby’s first
|Christmas?” Did she think OP was going to reply “oh sure that’s
|a great idea — we can just have her first Christmas next year!”
|🙄). Because I can see something happening where Ashley vents
|to her mother because her mother **is** her mother of course,
|so she feels safe telling her mom her true feelings. She tells
|her mom that she feels like it’s gonna be rough for her seeing
|everybody fawn all over the baby. Now Ashley just told her
|mother this because she wanted to discuss her feelings about it
|with her mom in a safe way. Ashley certainly never intended it
|to be an order to ban OP and baby. In my version of the story,
|Ashley isn’t looking forward to all of this attention on the
|baby, but she knows it is what it is. Mom takes it as “oh
|Ashley said that she will be upset seeing everyone fawn over
|the baby, so I’ll ask OP to stay home with the baby so she
|won’t be upset.” I also don’t understand in what universe she
|thought that her son was going to think that was a perfectly
|cool idea and just come over and have Christmas like normal
|while his wife and new baby were at home. I mean wtffff….
|u/Smart_Ad8375 - 11 hours
|
|I'd ask how she treated you and the baby up to this point. Has
|she done anything similar before this? Before trashing the SIL
|find out if MIL even let her know what she was planning to ask
|you. SIL may be innocent. My mother damaged my relationship
|with my sister over something I knew nothing about.I only knew
|that my sister became distant and very cold to me.It was years
|later that I found out what my mom had done. She said she was
|protecting me, but instead cots me a close relationship with my
|only sibling
|u/star_stitch - 12 hours
|
|You are not overreacting and certainly NTA. The request was deeply
|insulting and did this grandmother even think this through how her
|grandchild will feel when old enough to understand why she was
|rejected at the first Christmas. I agree , go lc. Your child
|deserves better , you deserve better, so give her a loving happy
|and joyous Christmas. Maybe after the holidays are over you can
|suggest family counseling for your in laws on what they need to do
|to repair this.
|u/stuckinnowhereville - 12 hours
|
|Invite friends the week of or new years to celebrate. Create your
|“adult family”.
|u/Lovebug-1055 - 12 hours
|
|I am hoping that you stay home and follow through on the low
|contact. I also would go one step further and not take your
|daughter to her grandparents house without you or your husband
|being there. You don’t know what twin sister will do or how she
|will react. I’m so sorry she did this, it’s very sad. I get it’s
|her daughter but she’s right, she didn’t think this through.
|u/armywifemumof5 - 12 hours
|
|Time to plan amazing holidays for the 3 of you :)
|u/Poesoe - 12 hours
|
|Im sure it won't be permanent, but I couldn't look at them the same
|way currently, regardless of which option is chosen.....the damage
|has been done for now. Have your own celebrations and have them
|with any other friends who have no one else to celebrate with.
|You don't need to be reminded of their feelings every time you look
|up.
|u/tikisummer - 12 hours
|
|I hope your in laws learn quick that 1 granddaughter is very
|important when that’s all you have. I would think your child there
|would bring joy, it does at my place when the grand child is here.
|u/HereComesTheSun000 - 11 hours
|
|Make sure you take photos of the three of you and of any traditions
|you do so you can build on it in the years to come. Here's baby
|hanging her stocking with daddy ... Here she is with mummy and
|daddy who are so grateful for baby ... It will give you
|confidence in keeping your own traditions and customs going, if
|applicable include something you did with your own mum to honor her
|in that way and keep her included
|u/No_Ordinary944 - 11 hours
|
|this is a great idea OP. make your own traditions. i have a lot of
|blood family but all family ain’t good family and husband seems to
|understand this. quite frankly, this is one of the craziest stories
|i’ve ever heard. i sympathize with ashley but i’ve never heard of a
|whole family wanting to miss out on the first babies firsts! you
|never get them back. you also can’t take back your first reaction/
|impression. if it were me, even if we did smooth this out and end
|up celebrating together, i’d never be able to forget this. i’d be
|able to forgive but forget no. i don’t pretend well id forever cold
|with them. NTA and wishing you all the best postpartum. the first
|at the holidays are SO FUN! don’t let them ruin it for you! get the
|first bibs and make new traditions with just your husband! got
|crazy however you sit fit. only include them ask much as will make
|YOU happy because this is a HUGE OFFENSE!
|u/Recent_Data_305 - 11 hours
|
|Hire a sitter on Thanksgiving and Christmas? I’d eventually make
|peace with MIL for the sake of my child, but I’d let her stew in
|misery for a while first. NTA. The things they said and proposed
|were hurtful.
|u/cookiegirl59 - 11 hours
|
|So, your daughter can't be acknowledged until your SIL has a baby?
|What about the other siblings? Are they supposed to put their
|lives on hold and not have kids until SIL has a child? What if she
|never can? Are your in-laws ready to lose the relationship with
|the ONE grandchild they actually have here that they can touch,
|hold and love? I'd let them know that if they have so little
|regard for your family then you'll no longer allow them access to
|your "family". All because one daughter can't control herself for
|the sake of others.
|u/Liu1845 - 12 hours
|
|What do you want to bet Ashley put this idea in MIL's mind? It sounds
|like she has been jealous of OP from the start. Start a new
|tradition. You, hubby, and baby at home for holidays. Comfy, cozy,
|heck in your mammies all day, if you want.
|u/HoundstoothReader - 12 hours
|
|At first, “just us” holidays felt a little lonely and weird—I was
|used to the big family traditions at my parents’ home. But over time,
|we built our own family traditions, and my kids prefer our “just us”
|holidays above all others. I do too.
|u/butterfly-garden - 12 hours
|
|Agreed! I think that starting your OWN holiday traditions at your own
|house is the way to go. Ignore MIL for the moment, then text her and
|tell her that that's your decision. Let her know that any of them are
|welcome to stop by, but because of the cruelty, you will not longer
|go to any of their get-togethers. No Thanksgiving, no Christmas, no
|Easter, no Mother’s or Father’s Day, no nothing. Share pics, if you
|want, but stick to your guns. Your family starts your own traditions,
|and the rest of the family coddles Ashley.
|u/sjclynn - 12 hours
|
|And tell your MIL that she can stop in quickly to say hello if she
|wants. Make it clear that she won't need to take off her coat.
|u/SnooPets8873 - 12 hours
|
|You see this is the kind of extreme suggestion where I think you
|are basically encouraging OP to do something long term that
|actually hurts her own interests. Relationships have ups and downs.
|I totally agree that the family needs to see the error and unkind
|nature of what they did - no family holidays this year and no
|contact for a while makes sense. But this just happened! To decide
|up front right now that this means no relationship or extended
|family holidays ever? That’s making a decision that doesn’t have to
|be made yet and cutting off the possibility of true reconciliation
|in the future which I think OP would actually want if it were
|available. Is it possible that she’ll never want to go again? Yes.
|And she can absolutely choose that when the time comes. But she
|doesn’t need to set out with that intention right now and
|especially not based on this, quite frankly, naive notion that she
|is going to teach them a lesson by never allowing them to make up
|for their mistake.
|u/MollyXMaxine - 13 hours
|
|Exactly, MIL’s behavior is unacceptable. Focus on making beautiful
|memories with your little family. NTA!
|u/Dark54g - 12 hours
|
|Or NC. Make it easy for your mother-in-law to choose Ashley 100% of
|the time. Because you will be there 0% of the time. I’m sorry. This
|sucks donkey balls. But I think I admire your husband greatly.
|u/deepfriedandbattered - 12 hours
|
|Not just sit the FAMILY events out....but for OP to be ALONE with the
|baby on her first Xmas etc. without dad. Absolutely preposterous,
|selfish and clearly shows what she thinks of you - that you are
|nothing and expendable. Just a baby making machine, not a person. Go
|NC for a while and stay home this year as a family - YOUR family.
|Make your own routines and traditions. MIL and SIL (you know she
|had a hand in this by whining to her mom about how unfair it is that
|[stinky old] you has everything SHE wants. Jealousy and entitlement
|at its best) will now have to grovel to see you and mend the
|relationship. If it's not already too late. What kind of
|grandmother asks this on the child's FIRST Xmas and thanksgiving? A
|monster - that's who. She backtracked hard because she knows she has
|fucked up BIG time. Make her pay. Karma is a bitch, isn't it?
|u/Spookywanluke - 12 hours
|
|I may be a tad vindictive but I would spam email everyone politely
|stating that you'll be staying out of tg and possibly Christmas to
|honor a request to spare SIL recent Loss. But throw in that if
|anyone would love a low key bbq over at your house to meet the LO
|then to come over at "insert date" )a few days separate of tg!
|u/792bookcellar - 11 hours
|
|Absolutely agree and coming from the nearly same situation as you, my
|brother and SIL stepped back from family activities any time they
|felt they couldn’t be around my baby/children. It was hard when they
|were very little but now that they’re elementary age, it’s much
|better. What MIL doesn’t realize is that if your SIL never actually
|has a kid she’s essentially asking you to remove your family from the
|extended family forever.
|u/Vast-Ad5884 - 11 hours
|
|And every other year. What happens if the sister never had a child?
|u/OkieLady1952 - 11 hours
|
|This year and many years after that!!! I wouldn’t ever participate in
|their holiday functions ever again!
|u/Ok_Potato_718 - 11 hours
|
|I'd take this as the first year to start your own holiday traditions
|as the new family you three are. MIL suggested to sideline/uninvited
|you; that's not something you "accidentally" do. So say screw it,
|let the rubbish take itself out, and start working on all the fun
|memories your family (hubby, daughter, and self) can make together
|going forward. First pictures with Santa, a new or special recipe for
|Thanksgiving, whatever will make the times special for you three. MIL
|can keep right on prioritizing "her" family without you guys.
|u/ApocolypseJoe - 13 hours
|
|NTA And DON'T respond to her. Anything she has to say from now on needs
|to go through her son. She's only panicking because she's now realizing
|that she's gonna lose out on opportunities to hang out with her own
|grandchild.... How selfish can she be? Time to start making some
|family holiday traditions of your own.
|u/Xiallaci - 12 hours
|
|Shes not panicking about missing out on anything. She couldnt care
|less about not spending thanksgiving and Christmas with her grandkid.
|Shes panicking bc her son is mad and bc of „what others will think“
|u/PuppyPavilion - 11 hours
|
|That's exactly what it is. I have 3 grandchildren, 2 of whom were
|born this year. Never, ever, in a million years would I miss out on
|chance to love on and play with my dearly loved grandchildren. I'm
|assuming that her daughter, much like mine, is a fully grown adult
|and should be able to handle her emotions all by herself.
|u/WritPositWrit - 11 hours
|
|Yes exactly this
|u/AardvarkDisastrous70 - 8 hours
|
|She's not panicking about that she's panicking that her son didn't
|roll over and do as she wished. She doesn't want to jank out with her
|grandkid. She uninvited her from the family holidays
|u/Aware-Locksmith-7313 - 13 hours
|
|NTA … MIL blew it big time and she knows it. Your husband (sounds like
|a five-star sensible guy) is right that If sis Ashley can’t take
|exposure to your newborn then she should be the one to bail. What makes
|MIL & FIL so sure next year’s holidays will be any better? How long is
|denying your daughter’s existence supposed to be lasting, anyway?
|Either all three of you stay home or all three of you go. NTA.
|u/lizchitown - 10 hours
|
|It was ridiculous to think 1) hubby would want to leave his family at
|home and go. 2) that they should get a babysitter for a 3 month old
|on X mas. Even if they could, why would they want to do that?
|u/whatthehelldude9999 - 9 hours
|
|Agreed. I think the immediate backtracking shows she does actually
|care about OP’s feelings. OP’s MIL probably tried to ‘help’ her
|daughter and now recognizes her error.
|u/EstimateOverall6885 - 12 hours
|
|Let me say this as someone who just got pregnant after 4YEARS OF
|TRYING. Ashley is the AH. While my husband and I were trying babies
|were popping out like crazy in my extended family and with friends it
|was hard but I MANAGED MY OWN EMOTIONS. My brother met his now wife who
|already had a child who I instantly attached to because of my desire
|for children and because she is so dang cute. When they got married
|they basically immediately got pregnant. I was texting her nearly
|everyday to show that even though I was going through infertility I
|will always be there for my niece/nephews. She ended up with twin boys
|and as soon as I could get home and visit them I did! I took over so
|that she could relax and I loved on those babies as if they were my
|own. Ashley is being selfish and trying to get you and your darling
|daughter out of the way so she can be the center of attention. I would
|not talk to your MIL and let your husband handle it as it’s his side.
|I’d let him know what you were feeling and what you would want in the
|end. But at the end of the day he is the protector of the family and if
|he feels he needs to protect you from his family then he should. This
|is an awful situation to be in and I hope yall figure it out but just
|because you want family doesn’t mean his family is up for the job.
|Sometimes the best family is the ones you choose.
|u/Ok_Chemical9678 - 10 hours
|
|👏🏻exactly. Ashley wants a baby but doesn’t want a relationship with
|her niece?
|u/Dark_Huntress6387 - 9 hours
|
|She wants a baby but what she really wants is to be the focus of
|attention. OP’s husband is not the favorite. Ashley is entitled and
|attention seeking and needs therapy.
|u/Alive_Pepper_1352 - 10 hours
|
|As someone still going through it (after 4 miscarriages) OP is NTA.
|I struggle with pregnancies being the only topic of conversation, but
|I can cope. People are excited and they should be. But once the
|baby is out, I don't care any more. I don't want their baby, I want
|mine. The envy is of a healthy pregnancy, not for their child
|u/Ok-Adhesiveness-1515 - 13 hours
|
|If it was me in your situation I would be deeply hurt as well.. and
|like your hubs said about sil managing her own emotions… it is sad what
|sister in law is going thru but the fact they are taking it out on you
|and your daughter is crazy! My hubs would stand by me just like yours
|would… I would skip and find something special for the 3 of you to do
|or see if any friends will invite you to theirs or have a Friendsgiving
|instead….take a small get away? It’s wrong they wanted exclude you
|guys..
|u/MuttFett - 12 hours
|
|Get a sitter for a three month old………. Hell no. What if Ashley can
|never get pregnant? You and your daughter are just excluded forever?
|At least your husband stood up for you. NTA
|u/Ancient-Wishbone4621 - 12 hours
|
|ON Thanksgiving and Christmas, too???? Who is working those holidays
|and not charging a million bucks?
|u/MuttFett - 11 hours
|
|I’d be like Scrooge McDuck swimming in all my money.
|u/Ancient-Wishbone4621 - 10 hours
|
|I once watched my nanny kid on like the 23rd and they gave me
|$100 as a Christmas bonus. That is just. Not happening XD
|u/Cold_Strategy_1420 - 7 hours
|
|Who wants to leave their baby on Christmas Day?
|u/what_ho_puck - 12 hours
|
|I lost twins in October 2022. My brother had a daughter who turned two
|right before Christmas that year. We spent Christmas together and it
|was hard, but know what I didn't do? Resent the living baby or her
|family. Christmas is for children, and you better damn well believe
|that I found the best presents I could (actually gave a handmade doll
|and a tea set) and helped cook dinner. I played tea party with that
|little girl because even if my heart was broken, her's doesn't need to
|be. I'm typing this holding my four months old and wondering what
|he'll be old enough to eat this Christmas when we fly across the
|country to see both our families, but we're doing Thanksgiving just us.
|I'm so sorry, OP, that your extended family is fucking up right now.
|Make good memories and traditions for yourselves. My family lived far
|away from our extended when I was a kid, and we did Christmas as a
|nuclear family, and I always thought it was lovely. Yours can be
|lovely, too!
|u/nina_qj - 11 hours
|
|Congratulations on your rainbow baby❤️and sorry for your losses
|u/Main_Fun_9112 - 10 hours
|
|I am very sorry for your loss. This happened to a friend of mine
|also, and they adopted a young girl. I am glad you are now joined by
|your four month old. Your positive attitude is a blessing for your
|entire family and for everyone here to read it. Happy holidays.
|u/AdAccomplished6870 - 12 hours
|
|'Per your request, we will not spend the holidays with you going
|forward. Please do not contact us again'
|u/Nice-Lingonberry483 - 13 hours
|
|NTA. You just found out what your MIL really thinks of you.
|u/Western-Cupcake-6651 - 12 hours
|
|Yep. Ops not really family and apparently neither is the baby.
|u/FuckUGalen - 12 hours
|
|Oh they are... Well the baby is. Especially once SIL stops trying
|and accepts she will never have children then the baby and OP can
|come... Well as long as SIL gets to hold the baby and OP just sits
|in the background. Maybe... SIL would be a better parent to baby,
|OP can have other babies, so why don't they share custody of
|baby... Or better yet why don't they just let SIL have baby. It is
|for the best. Creepy. Very creepy.
|u/throwingwater14 - 11 hours
|
|I read that story. It was very sad and concerning.
|u/Armenian-heart4evr - 9 hours
|
|I also remember that story! PSYCHO-DRAMA from HELL !!!
|u/CharlieMurphysWar - 9 hours
|
|Gained 10 pounds from eating popcorn to that saga. Nightmare
|fuel
|u/fuuruma - 8 hours
|
|You have the link for that?
|u/Beth21286 - 10 hours
|
|That is the really gutting bit. How could OP not take 'me staying
|home with the baby, and my husband stopping by quickly to say
|hello' that way. What other way is there to take it?
|u/sog96 - 13 hours
|
|Yeah, NTA. MIL, FIL, and SIL are complete AHs. I agree with others
|going LC, including with excluding the three of them from the baby’s
|first.
|u/LibraryMouse4321 - 12 hours
|
|It would serve your MIL and FIL right that they miss your daughter’s
|“firsts”. They also can’t guarantee that they will be invited to any
|of her other “firsts” in the future because of their attitude in this
|situation. They just dumb f**cks.
|u/Friendly_Lab7306 - 13 hours
|
|Thanks for the advice
|u/InevitableVariables - 10 hours
|
|I am in pain hearing about the situation but happy you have such an
|amazing husband. Instantly knew it was wrong and rightfully angry.
|This is your daughters first thanksgiving and christmas and your
|new family doesnt want to include her or even you. The fact that
|they want you and your husband to miss your daughters first
|thanksgiving and christmas? Or want your husband to miss your
|daughters first thanksgiving and xmas while you stayed home? Its
|going to be hard because of how belittling their first suggest is
|but try to have the best memories for her first holiday season.
|u/Katefoolery - 12 hours
|
|NTA Have a lovely, quiet and cozy holiday season. Start new traditions,
|invite people who will be alone for the holidays, volunteer, whatever
|makes you guys happy. Then post the f**k out of some adorable pictures
|“Baby’s first Thanksgiving! So grateful for our tiny little family!”
|“You can’t get back memories like these!” “She’ll always have her
|parents and the family we make!” Shove their idiocy down their throats
|and have a lovely life.
|u/ayesh00 - 11 hours
|
|Love this.
|u/livingonsomeday - 12 hours
|
|…because it’s so *easy* to find childcare **on a *literal* holiday!**
|Okay so that nonsense aside you are NTA. What to do moving forward is
|beyond me. What a mess.
|u/Amazing_Cabinet1404 - 9 hours
|
|And for a very young infant. It’s ridiculous. Even the idea that they
|come without the baby at all. Everyone that is so excited about this
|baby is just gonna *forget it’s existence* because they didn’t bring
|her. I don’t see that working out how MIL & SIL planned.
|u/livingonsomeday - 9 hours
|
|Yeah. I was anxious spending a whole day away from my brand new
|adopted kitten last year. I cannot imagine how miserable I’d be
|leaving my infant with a stranger.
|u/CakePhool - 13 hours
|
|NTA. If they start excluding you now, it wont stop in the future
|either. I lost half my friendship group because I had the audacity to
|become pregnant before the chosen one. The person who only dated
|people due to their spermcount. So yeah, our kid had to be hidden
|and not spoken about. But you should talk to your MIL and tell her the
|best thing she can do for Ashley is pay for therapy. And yes the focus
|will be on the baby that is normal. She is mum and tried to protect
|her child and didnt really think things through.
|u/BeachinLife1 - 13 hours
|
|You are NTA, this had to be incredibly hurtful. I'm thankful your
|husband stood by you and made them leave. At least you know he'd have
|your back if it ever came down to it. He's right, it's not your (the
|two of you) problem to manage her emotions, and if she can't handle it
|she is the one who should stay home. I would follow your husband's
|lead on this. Don't offer any more opinions and let him decide how to
|deal with his family. His mom keeps calling you, you should tell your
|husband to call her back, if anyone does. If your husband doesn't want
|to go, then you just make your baby's first Thanksgiving at home, and
|see if there are any friends who want to join you. I mean, where does
|this end? She's already made them ruin Thanksgiving and Christmas for
|her, what's next? The baby's first birthday? The second Thanksgiving
|and Christmas too? How far do they go in excluding their grandchild
|just because she's jealous? (and you already said she's always been
|jealous of your husband anyway!) Maybe you all not being there for
|Thanksgiving will make his parents realize what a mistake they've made,
|and maybe for Christmas they'll tell Ashley they are not missing their
|granddaughter's first Christmas, and if she is not good with that, she
|needs to make other arrangements for the holidays.
|u/Vegoia2 - 13 hours
|
|my aunt couldnt have kids so she doted on me, different types I guess.
|u/Healthy-Magician-502 - 11 hours
|
|Nowadays people make fertility challenges their entire personality,
|and expect people to pander to them about it.
|u/Jmfroggie - 13 hours
|
|Nta. You don’t exclude family, especially a baby, just because of
|someone’s feelings! It’s up to the adult who has suffered a loss to
|figure out how to move forward in life WITHOUT taking it out on others.
|This is not something y’all should agree to. If Ashley is never able to
|have kids, or has another miscarriage, or ANY issue in the world, MIL
|should not be expecting any other sibling to suffer exclusion because
|of it. If she’s so fragile that she can’t see other family members or
|acknowledge they exist, that’s a her problem and she’s the one who
|needs to bow out herself. And who on earth would be ok with getting a
|sitter OVER CHRISTMAS with a new baby?!
|u/Blueridgetoblueocean - 12 hours
|
|I wonder how much of this speech was directly written by Ashley? How
|much guilt she put on MIL and FIL. I’m so sorry this happened. MIL and
|FIL really screwed the pooch here. While this may be forgiven in the
|future, it will never be forgotten. I wouldn’t accept any calls right
|now. Give yourself some time. Enjoy the holidays either way your
|lovely little family
|u/Ok_Homework_7621 - 13 hours
|
|NTA Ashley had a year to come to terms with the situation and get
|professional help if needed. If this is how they feel, you should be
|very careful about allowing them around your child, because kids do
|notice. Do your own things and create your own traditions, like you
|would if they lived on a different continent, for example.
|u/Rowana133 - 13 hours
|
|NTA. I call BS on your MIL about "not thinking it through." She didn't
|value you or your child as a special and wanted part of her holidays.
|Her FIRST grandchilds FIRST Christmas! It's kinda ironic how SIL cries
|that your husband is the golden child, blah blah blah when it's clearly
|her. After all, she wasn't uninvited for the holidays. Nope. My advice
|is to host a small celebration at your house with the cool brothers and
|friends, you can do the day after Christmas or christmas eve and then
|have Christmas just with you and your little perfect family. Focus on
|that beautiful baby of yours and your supportive husband and take it
|easy. I think you should temporarily block MIL and SIL and let your
|husband deal with his family how he sees best. You just protect you and
|your babies peace.
|u/Maleficent_Mistake50 - 13 hours
|
|This is the key. Obviously Ashley is the favorite since they were
|quick to throw OP’s husband out of the loop just because he is a
|father. OP is NTA. Her SIL, MIL, and FIL suck for this request and
|are assholes until something changes.
|u/The-Wandering-Kiwi - 12 hours
|
|And invite the siblings as well. MIL FIL Ashley and Hubby can
|celebrate together. That would be a sad event
|u/New-Bar4405 - 10 hours
|
|You don't even have to make it a fight justbsay they can drop by
|on the way there and have enough food for them. Then they can
|split it if they want
|u/Beginning-Stop7646 - 11 hours
|
|Yeah I think MIL thought OP's husband was going to agree with her.
|Guess we know who the real golden child is.
|u/No_Cockroach4248 - 13 hours
|
|Your MIL is barking mad and FIL as well for supporting her. It is
|incredibly cruel to suggest that you and your baby sit out Thanksgiving
|and Christmas. So we know who the golden child in the family is.
|Ashley just cannot stand the idea of not being the center of attention.
|Organise your own celebrations, invite friends and i would not be
|surprised if some family members turn up as well. NTA
|u/Super_Rule_1895 - 12 hours
|
|Nope nope nope..MIL fucked up here. Your husband is a gem for making it
|clear that he will not be attending without you. To ask you to get a
|sitter for thanksgiving and Christmas Day. From where exactly? Who has
|to pay for it? And what mother who’s just giving birth wants to leave
|there new baby? So essentially you and the baby stay home. How could
|she think that was ok? How could any mother say to her son leave the
|wife and grandkids at home and spend the holidays with us because your
|SIL can’t cope. The alternative should have been if she said can we
|alternate the holiday. For this year. You come for thanksgiving and
|they come for Christmas. But to exclude you from both holidays is so
|wrong. I get SIL is having a hard time but how far does one take this.
|Exclude you all from everything because she can’t cope. MIL will end up
|losing her grandkids if she doesn’t get a grip of this. SIL will not
|care as it seems she is jealous of brother.
|u/jbrainfall - 10 hours
|
|Yeah, I expected a thanksgiving/christmas split or a Christmas
|morning/Christmas dinner split. But a full holiday banishment
|approach is ridiculous. It would have been so much more reasonable to
|come to them and ask them to help come up with an equitable,
|sensitive solution, given her daughter’s understandable grief, rather
|than come with prepared solutions that benefit the daughter and
|abandon the son/his family. Like, come together as a family and
|brainstorm how to do the holidays in a loving way that doesn’t
|exclude anyone or cause a significant amount of pain.
|u/Jazzlike_Adeptness_1 - 12 hours
|
|Get a sitter? GET A SITTER??? **GET. A. SITTER!!** She actually
|expected *you* to leave **your baby** on her first holiday? The woman
|is insane. She should have told her daughter that she understands how
|difficult this situation is for her and that she’s understand if if
|daughter wants make other plans this year. To ask you to leave your
|baby home is … there isn’t even a word for this. The only way i could
|forgive this is if your SIL was actively suic*dal. They have ruined
|your first holidays with your baby. I cannot imagine ever forgiving
|this.
|u/The_Sanch1128 - 5 hours
|
|And on Thanksgiving and/or Christmas, no less.
|u/Routine-Friend-7585 - 13 hours
|
|Nta. You are being excluded and its upsetting for you.
|u/Kindly-Might-1879 - 12 hours
|
|NTA. And when does it end? Any time Ashley isn't feeling up to having a
|baby around, are you going to be asked to stay home? You've already
|canceled a baby shower for her, so now she gets to keep asking for
|more?
|u/PiquePole - 12 hours
|
|The thing I wonder about is… What happens when the younger brothers’
|wives have children? Will their wives and babies be excluded?
|u/frozenbroccolis - 12 hours
|
|NTA But your MIL is ridiculous. If Ashley can’t get pregnant for 3, 5,
|10, years - or ever - are you and your child(ren) supposed to hide
|indefinitely?? If Ashley can’t handle being around the ENTIRE family
|then she needs to stay at home
|u/Such_Guide2828 - 12 hours
|
|Not to mention that Christmas is literally a holiday celebrating the
|birth of a baby. Are they going to have to take all the Baby Jesuses
|(Baby Jesi?) out of the nativity scenes? Skip all the holiday songs
|that mention Baby Jesus? Even if they’re not at all religious, it’s
|still extremely ironic
|u/VariationSpecific967 - 12 hours
|
|The SIL should stay home and be depressed by herself. It took me years
|to get pregnant and while my family and friends was having babies I was
|sad and depressed. But I put aside my feelings and supported them. The
|MIL needs to stop coddling her daughter and tell her to stop making
|everything about her. What does she do when she's in public and sees
|other people with babies?? Does she tell them to not bring there babies
|out? She needs mental help.
|u/ThrowItAllAway003 - 12 hours
|
|NTA My husband and I struggled to have children for a decade before our
|son came along. Every baby that was born into our family in that time
|hurt. It hurt so bad, but you know what? I went, I was happy for the
|parents, I loved on the babies (if the parents were cool with it, and
|without playing “pass the baby”), and I kept my problems to myself.
|They were MY problems, not anyone else’s. Ashley is a selfish donkey.
|u/Infamous-Cash9165 - 12 hours
|
|NTA your mother in law was not trying to do the right thing, she was
|trying to make sure the kid she cares about is happy. She doesn’t care
|about you any further than your husband.
|u/DarthKiwiChris - 13 hours
|
|Time to book a lovely holiday vacation
|u/ShoeSoggy9123 - 12 hours
|
|No takesie backsies. How INCREDIBLY selfish of your MIL. And I am
|literally gobsmacked your FIL went along with this fuckery. Nope, I'd
|be spending the holidays at home with just your DH and LO. No matter
|HOW hard they beg. I had numerous miscarriages and pregnancy problems
|when I was in my 30's but never once asked my brother and SIL to not
|bring my niece to holidays. I can't imagine in what universe they
|DREAMED this was OK.
|u/BitterDoGooder - 12 hours
|
|NTA. Do NOT call your MIL about this. Talk to your hubby and let him
|communicate with his family. I'm glad he is so clearly on the right
|side in this, with his wife and child. Your in laws did make a huge
|mistake and I hope it can be rectified, but your hubby needs to do the
|negotiating on that and let you concentrate on how you feel, and what
|you want.
|u/Western-Cupcake-6651 - 12 hours
|
|Step back and let your husband handle this. His reaction is the right
|one. You should be as furious as he is. NTA
|u/SnooPets8873 - 12 hours
|
|NTA I think your MiL was in a tough spot and picked the worst option in
|front of her. I could maaaaybe understand if she asked your whole
|family unit to sit out Thanksgiving only but come together for
|Christmas and ask her daughter to stay home for the second holiday. But
|for her to not only say that you guys shouldn’t come to either holiday,
|but to still try to get her son to be there??? It’s that last part that
|betrays their true thinking. Apparently their daughter doesn’t have an
|issue with her brother being a father. Just you and the child. And the
|parents don’t have a problem not seeing you or the child, just their
|son. I’d take your time and not worry about talking to them unless you
|feel up to it. I wouldn’t go into making huge decisions though, like
|“we will never attend a family holiday after this”. I think never is
|too strong and shuts down the possibility of you getting to enjoy
|extended family who may not even know this was suggested to you. But
|it’s pretty reasonable for you to make other plans for Thanksgiving and
|Christmas and also remember what they really think of you and let it
|change how you and your husband interact with them for the foreseeable
|future.
|u/cuteandcurvygal - 9 hours
|
|NTA. Your MIL meant well, but asking a new mother and her baby to sit
|out on family holidays for someone else's comfort is not the solution.
|Compassion for Ashley is important, but it shouldn't come at the
|expense of excluding your daughter from her first big family
|celebrations.
|u/DarksBlossom - 3 hours
|
|NTA, and it's great that your husband is standing by you. Maybe start
|your own family traditions this year and invite people who truly value
|being with you. Your MIL is realizing the consequences now, but
|prioritize what feels right for your little family.
|u/Time-Improvement6653 - 13 hours
|
|She doesn't get to be a Grandma at all then'
|u/Friendly_Lab7306 - 13 hours
|
|Very sad she room this stance when she was so excited about my
|daughter
|u/Ghost3022 - 13 hours
|
|She wasn't all that excited if this was her solution. And it sounds
|like Ashley is the true golden child of the household that ANYONE
|would suggest leaving your daughter out!
|u/Radiant-Programmer33 - 11 hours
|
|She may be excited for now, but if Saint Ashley manages to produce
|a kid you can bet that your child will become an eternal
|afterthought. That is already clear, since your husband is not the
|mummy's darling. Your MIL is actually ready to dump your child
|(and if need be you) on your child's first TG and Christmas so that
|Ashley's feelings won't get hurt. You and your child actually
|matter less than MIL's sainted progeny's feefees! And the only
|reason she's now trying to backtrack is that her rejoicing message
|of dumping your child on a sitter on a holiday was not welcomed
|with champagne corks popping and an angel choir singing. She was
|shown to be a utter cow. Make your own TG and Christmas traditions
|from this year onwards! MIL instead can celebrate Saint Ashley's
|Clearblue sticks in peace.
|u/Reach-forthe-stars - 11 hours
|
|I’m sure you MIL didn’t think this out because as you noted, his
|twin is the favorite… I suggest that you don’t contact or accept
|phone calls from them or other family members at this time. Let
|your husband be the point person for them. It’s his family, his
|problem. I’m sorry but they set the path, not you. Maybe in time
|things will change. New family, new traditions right! It will be
|ok, especially when your daughter gets company… a great thing is
|that this happened now and maybe it will work itself out. One
|point, when your husband talks with his family, he needs to make it
|essential that his twin apologizes to you in person. She started
|this, she needs to be the one to finish it…. Congratulations on the
|baby..
|u/suziesunshine17 - 11 hours
|
|This OP. You know what’s worse than your kid having no grandparents?
|Your kid being exposed to unhealthy family dynamics that will shape
|their identity. Protect your new family unit and don’t feel one ounce
|of guilt for doing so!
|u/klurtin - 12 hours
|
|Absolutely hard no on wasting your time with these people! It’s your
|baby’s first Thanksgiving and Christmas! Grandparents should be over
|the moon for this! The fact they asked the baby “sit out” because of
|Ashley tells you all you need to know about how they will treat your
|daughter and all your children in the future. They will always be
|second class to Ashley and her needs. Spend your holidays with your
|family- your husband and baby - and have your phones turned off all
|day. Wishing you a lovely and peaceful holiday season away from this
|ridiculous drama.
|u/RaymondBeaumont - 12 hours
|
|You two just start a new tradition, which will continue. If you give
|in now, you might find out that your MIL will try to exclude you and
|the child later on, which will also hurt the child.
|u/Such_Guide2828 - 12 hours
|
|Yeah, the golden child dynamic tends to play out over the next
|generation as well, so Grandma and Grandpa would definitely favor any
|children Ashley eventually has
|u/dogfishfrostbite - 12 hours
|
|Malicious Compliance time. Stay home for the holidays and start your
|own tradition which excludes them. Don't invite them And then they ask
|to be invited int he future just say, we started our own tradition and
|would prefer to keep to it.
|u/Signal_Dimension_613 - 13 hours
|
|NTA! Your MIL is a heaping pile of shit for what she said. I don't
|think she deserves you or your beautiful child to ever be in her life
|again. Your SIL's infertility issues are not your fault, and certainly
|not your daughter's fault either. I would not allow her to see her
|grandchild going forward. Let her come back groveling. Cut them out now
|and dodge the bullet. Glad to hear that your husband is standing behind
|you, he sounds like a good man.
|u/Friendly_Lab7306 - 13 hours
|
|Thanks for the advice. My husband is great. I’m sad because I really
|wanted my daughter to have a good relationship with her grandparents,
|uncles and aunt
|u/Signal_Dimension_613 - 12 hours
|
|I'd like to give you a piece of advice, because I have experience
|with similar extended family dynamics.... Don't tolerate being
|mistreated so that you can fulfill the idea in your head of how
|things should be. I used to let myself get walked all over so I
|could keep the peace and b.s. myself into thinking things are the
|way I wanted them. We have to accept the realities and act
|accordingly. My self-worth skyrocketed once I had kids of my own,
|and I started holding people accountable for their words and
|actions.
|u/Ghost3022 - 13 hours
|
|She can have a great relationship with anyone not asking you to
|leave her out. Anyone asking that, doesn't truly love your
|daughter!
|u/AlyceEnchanted - 12 hours
|
|She won’t. She will favor Ashley’s children. This is just the
|beginning.
|u/Dazzling-Plastic1327 - 9 hours
|
|If Ashley can even have children- what’s going to happen when his
|brothers have kids before her? What happens if she can’t have
|kids?
|u/ProfPlumDidIt - 13 hours
|
|NTA. I do think your MIL is being honest that she's in a no-win
|situation (I mean, on one hand there's your awesome new baby she loves
|and wants to spend time with, but on the other hand is her hurting
|daughter who already feels less important than her brother and has
|accused MIL of favoritism in the past... no matter what she did someone
|she loves would be hurt) and didn't think through her "solution" and
|genuinely regrets her approach, so I hope someday you guys can work it
|out. That said, she DID hurt you and damaged her relationship with all
|3 of you and that isn't going to heal quickly (if it ever does).
|u/PoppinBubbles578 - 12 hours
|
|I’m trying to picture everyone not asking where OP, husband and baby
|are at the holiday. Not being there will cause just as much attention
|and conversation as being there but then Ashley & the IL’s will have
|to be honest about the absence.
|u/The_Sanch1128 - 5 hours
|
|Dollars to doughnuts they will not be honest about the absence.
|They'll spin it or flat out lie. Tyler should get in front of this
|by telling his other sibs what the situation is. Otherwise, what
|Tyler's sibs will hear is, "We made a reasonable request and Tyler
|and OP misunderstood and blew up."
|u/Silly-Spare-117 - 11 hours
|
|I don't understand SILs and MILs logic here. Seeing the baby would
|be too difficult, but no one will notice the glaring absence of baby
|and mother? There's no backtracking from this request this year.
|It'll be awkward for everyone.
|u/New-Bar4405 - 9 hours
|
|Not to mention. If he did come stop by what they expect him to say
|when his wife and baby weren't there. "Ashley and mom asked us not
|to bring the baby this year and just have mw stop by" like thats.
|Not going to turn into a big discussion about the baby?
|u/PhotographSavings370 - 12 hours
|
|By far she isn’t the only one to be/to have been sad about not being
|pregnant. There are literally thousands in that situation; but, the
|world does not stop and, like everything else, we learn to
|adjust….and appreciate what we do have. And we learn to be happy for
|those who do have babies! 👶
|u/Always_B_Batman - 11 hours
|
|MIL should have put the ball in SIL’s court and told her to make the
|decision if she wanted to be there, an option she didn’t give to her
|son, dil or grandchild.
|u/Ipso-Pacto-Facto - 12 hours
|
|She loves the baby so much it cannot be seen?
|u/SeesYourBrightside - 12 hours
|
|I hope so too. I'm sure she thought appeasing the twin was easier
|than actually addressing the real problem. It's so hard getting the
|balance right. She screwed up but it doesn't sound unfixable. I'd
|probably sit out this holidays anyway and take things slow. OP is
|perfectly right to be hurt but MIL's reaction says that she's not a
|monster or something.
|u/Minute_Box3852 - 12 hours
|
|Nta and I think this is a time to go lc for the holidays bc this will
|only get worse if you rugsweep that disgusting request along with sil's
|behavior. Her bad behavior isn't just from her fertility issues. You've
|shown she's had a bad attitude with you outside of that all along. It's
|time to demand respect and for your in-laws to back you up. Make
|alternative plans for your nuclear family away from them and have your
|husband tell his parents this year you've decided to spend the holidays
|together away from the drama and hurt. To please not argue and you'll
|discuss things after the holidays bc, right now, you need space.
|u/Salty-Contact4371 - 12 hours
|
|NTA. Your child deserves to be fawned over with family on her first
|holiday. That is expected of every baby. For your MIL to callously
|deny your child's right to be there and you be default, means she
|doesn't deserve to spend the holiday with your child. Do your own
|holiday gathering with folks who love and appreciate you guys and your
|baby.
|u/Such_Guide2828 - 12 hours
|
|NTA at all. This is just flabbergasting. Who excludes the new grandbaby
|from the holidays? I’m going to suggest that you take this year to
|start your own immediate family Christmas traditions. Your kids will
|want to wake up in their own beds and come down to see what Santa
|brought. You will want to have time to watch them open gifts and play
|with them. Decide what brings you joy and create traditions around
|that. Wear matching holiday pajamas, take tons of pictures, drink from
|holiday mugs, eat too many cookies, and watch all the Christmas movies
|you love. The good news here is that you have been shown who your in
|laws are and now you know—forewarned is forearmed.
|u/ShadedEcha - 2 hours
|
|That sounds really tough. I think it's great your husband is standing
|up for you and your daughter. Maybe use this time to create new holiday
|traditions just for your little family. Sometimes, starting fresh can
|be the best way forward. Hang in there!
|u/AggressiveOsmosis - 12 hours
|
|I’d like a follow up on this one, I cannot imagine the audacity of
|being able to even ask the question of excluding persons, wife and
|child simply to make her daughter who is apparently emotionally
|unstable the less unstable for two days?
|u/facinationstreet - 12 hours
|
|Time to start a new tradition - you, your husband and daughter head out
|of town for the holidays. Skiing and sledding? The beach? A new place
|every year? doesn't matter. I would never go there again. Family is who
|you pick to be family. Not who you are related to.
|u/LeeAllen3 - 12 hours
|
|NTA Just no. Ashley needs to get into some therapy.
|u/Slightlysanemomof5 - 12 hours
|
|My sibling had one child using ivf, it was a very public struggle. My
|first child was conceived after 3 losses and 7 years of treatment ,
|second child was the gift that surprised doctors, we never discussed
|our struggles. Since we wanted more children we decided to use foreign
|adoption and over 7 years added 3 infants to our family. My parents and
|sibling excluded us from gatherings because we were making sibling feel
|bad because they only had one child and didn’t want to pay for more ivf
|or adoption. So we found another family, people who loved us and our
|children and were happy to be with us. I guess we needed each other.
|Your in laws are jerks and I do so understand the pain you are
|suffering and I wish it never happened. But look for your family they
|are out there, family isn’t blood it people who love each other and
|want to be together. Heck if you were close you would be welcomed like
|all our children. I’m sorry for you and your husband but enjoy your
|baby and have wonderful holidays ( posting many pictures in laws can
|see-I’m petty) in spite of you in laws. Congratulations on the baby!
|u/Fit_Base2089 - 12 hours
|
|I'm petty, so I'd hijack the holidays. Invite the cool uncles and their
|partners to your home to celebrate their first nibling's first
|Thanksgiving and first Christmas. They get to see her, and Ashley isn't
|subjected to a baby.
|u/stuckinnowhereville - 12 hours
|
|NTA. Don’t go this year. Don’t in the future. Don’t invite any of them
|for birthdays. Do nothing with them. Be polite when in public.
|Greyrock calls. You are always too busy.
|u/ShortWoman - 12 hours
|
|NTA. Since you will be having a special thanksgiving with your small
|family — the people who love and care about one another rather than a
|bunch of people who evidently find your child’s existence to be a
|problem— let me share my favorite thing to make for thanksgiving:
|*reservations*.
|u/GroovyYaYa - 12 hours
|
|Get a babysitter for CHRISTMAS???? Who the hell is going to offer
|to include essentially a newborn in their family festivities while Mom
|and Dad go to grandma's?
|u/emjayrinaudo_ - 10 hours
|
|It’s understandable you feel hurt. Your daughter’s first holidays are
|important, and it’s not selfish to want her to be included. You have
|every right to want to be part of the family celebration, especially
|with your mother gone.
|u/Forsaken-Photo4881 - 12 hours
|
|A lot of couples go through miscarriage and infertility and still
|Manage to love the hell out of their nieces and nephews. Walking on
|egg shells around someone because of this will only serve to entitle
|her more. She already is cruel to your husband. She sounds
|exhausting.
|u/KeyChildhood8340 - 12 hours
|
|What your MIL suggested was very selfish. Infertility is a hard time
|but it’s not your fault nor your problem. You have every right to enjoy
|your holidays to want to build relationships and traditions for your
|daughter. Take a step back. Not to adhere to your MIL wishes but to
|protect your family.
|u/Y2Flax - 12 hours
|
|MIL was so focused on feelings she now has zero granddaughters
|u/Oddly-Appeased - 12 hours
|
|Life doesn’t stop just because something bad happens, sad but true
|fact. I feel for anyone that has gone through a miscarriage but life
|goes on. Is she going to freak out at seeing a stranger with an
|infant? Yelling about how unfair they are being to her because of what
|she’s gone through? SIL needs counseling if she can’t handle being
|around a child and maybe she needs to spend some time apart to focus on
|herself. Asking you to find a sitter, that’s an almost impossible
|task, specially for the holidays is insane. Asking you to stay home
|with the baby is also cruel, it is saying that only SIL matters. NTA
|u/adventuringraw - 11 hours
|
|NTA. If it helps at all though... It sounds like you're MIL does care
|about you and the baby and was excited to have you there. Just
|guessing, but she might be a conflict avoidant people pleaser. Someone
|like that's likely to get blinded by the squeaky wheel, and what
|happened when you honestly let her see how you felt, was she realized
|she was way overstepping trying to keep her daughter from feeling like
|shit. Turns out she was in a no win situation, at least as far as
|sparing everyone's feelings go. She's clearly not very thoughtful (as
|in, she didn't think this through very hard) but if it's a comfort to
|you, it maybe doesn't mean she doesn't care at least. When she saw you
|were hurting now too it does sound like that hit her like a truck. Not
|sure what you should do about all of that, but... I guess just know
|that this doesn't rule out you still having supportive family in the
|long run. She prioritized your SIL over you and the baby (congrats on
|the baby!) but a certain kind of person is going to be much quicker to
|think about the feelings of those who are grieving and gloss over the
|feelings of those who already seem to be happy. Might mean you and your
|husband will need to advocate for yourselves more than you should and
|it might mean you can't fully trust them to consider your feelings and
|needs, but it also doesn't mean you're definitely going to permanently
|lose the rest of the family you thought you had. I hope it works out
|and you're going to have that after all, but taking the holidays to
|feel what you need to feel before regrouping and considering the longer
|term future is definitely warranted.
|u/BreakConsistent - 10 hours
|
|Your husband’s parents figured it would be easier to deal with treating
|you unfairly than to deal with their daughter. Let them find out they
|were wrong.
|u/SnooWords4839 - 9 hours
|
|Hubby needs to talk to his other 2 siblings and tell them what MIL
|said. You hubby and baby host your own event, without Ashley.
|u/myboytys - 9 hours
|
|Need to put it in chat or a text or have them all together when
|discussed to stop MIL obfuscating and blaming them.
|u/SpecialModusOperandi - 12 hours
|
|NTA Start your own thanksgiving and family traditions, mybe invite
|the bil’s if they want I hang out. Ashley can be moody with her
|parents.
|u/deadthingsmia - 12 hours
|
|NTA, but it's good to hear your husband stands with you. The three of
|you can start your own family traditions now
|u/Bethechsnge - 12 hours
|
|I would have my hubby contact aunts, uncles, cousins and arrange a
|holiday meet up without his parents and sister. He can explain
|everything and that he wants his baby’s first holiday season to be
|filled with joy. Explain that you are without living family. Doesn’t
|have to be on the actual date. On the actual day, spend it together
|making new traditions.
|u/Ok-CANACHK - 12 hours
|
|You are NOT the AH's in this instance & good for your husband! So much
|for all the 'first Grandchild Love' So, if SIL never has a baby what
|does that mean? I'd stay home & SEVERELY limit your MIL's access to
|your daughter. She has made her feelings perfectly clear. SIL should
|stay home but that wasn't a choice. I'm sorry your in laws have failed
|you so horrifically , it might be time to make some "non blood family"
|u/PiquePole - 12 hours
|
|Good for your husband! If it were me, I would take the opportunity to
|break away and start your own family traditions with just the three of
|you. I would invite all of the in-laws — including/ especially your
|sister-in-law — to drop by on those days to say hello. If your
|husband‘s siblings or in-laws ask why you’re doing this, tell them the
|truth. They need to know. I hope that you and your husband‘s parents
|can reestablish your former relationship, but that is going to take
|time and a massive effort on your mother-in-law‘s part to make amends
|and deserve your forgiveness.
|u/VintageHilda - 11 hours
|
|So your child had to miss out on the fanfare and excitement of first
|child/grandchild Christmas because a grown ass adult can’t manage her
|feelings? That’s a load of horseshit.
|u/onthebeach90 - 12 hours
|
|NTA, the 3 of y’all go on a vacation during the holidays and make that
|a new family tradition.
|u/Orisha_Oshun - 11 hours
|
|It starts with Thanksgiving and Christmas. Then it will be Easter. And
|mother's day. And father's day. And birthdays. And every major
|holidays... the fact that a grown woman can't be around a BABY!!!!! OP
|and her hubs should block them for a few months and not even let the
|grandparents see the baby, we wouldn't want them to have a good time
|with baby while their daughter is being a miserable crybaby!
|u/NovaMiste - 57 minutes
|
|I've been in a similar spot with my in-laws. It’s tough, but your
|husband's support is golden. Focus on creating special memories with
|your little family this year and let him handle his side. Sometimes
|starting new traditions brings unexpected joy and healing.
|u/Forsaken-Photo4881 - 12 hours
|
|And I am so proud of your husband!
|u/cspenc10 - 12 hours
|
|If Ashley is having so much trouble dealing with this that she doesn’t
|want to literally even see her niece at her very first holiday
|gathering…she clearly needs therapy. The first big holiday with a baby
|is huge and should be a big deal. The fact your MIL and FIL would throw
|that away because they don’t want their daughter to feel bad is super
|concerning. I wouldn’t want to see them much after this.
|u/kam49ers4ever - 12 hours
|
|NTA. You’re right to be hurt. But it might help to turn your anger into
|pity. Also a good way to approach the in-laws in the future. “ I’m so
|sorry you’ll have to miss baby’s first birthday, but I understand the
|position you’re in. Too bad you’re unable to join us for Christmas
|morning. I’m sure the joy it brings you to see Ashley opening her
|stocking will be worth it all. “ It won’t really sink in this year, but
|as the year goes on they’ll regret this more and more. Holidays are so
|much better with little ones. As for Christmas, this actually might be
|a great thing for you. You get to set your own expectations and
|traditions for the future. That might be inviting family and friends
|over for brunch or dinner. Maybe it’s having no one over and spending
|the day in pajamas. This is your golden opportunity for you and your
|husband to set the tone for all future holidays without worrying about
|anyone else’s expectations. They can be whatever you want. Growing up,
|we had Christmas with my dad’s family a couple weeks before Christmas.
|We had a late afternoon Christmas dinner with my mom’s family. The rest
|of my mom’s family lived out of town and would drive in on Christmas
|Day, I was the only grandchild who lived nearby, and my grandparents
|(mom’s side) would get up early and hightail it to our house so they
|could be there when I woke up Christmas morning. (But I was a nocturnal
|child, the only one I know who’s parents had to wake them up for
|Christmas).
|u/zaritza8789 - 12 hours
|
|Honestly? Five people what they want. From now on you and your husband
|create your own holiday traditions and skip any celebrations with his
|family.
|u/jam7789 - 12 hours
|
|NTA. That wasn't the way for your MIL to handle things. Maybe she could
|have had two separate dinners, not make you and your baby stay home. If
|I'm not good enough this year, then I'm not good enough next year
|either. Unless your SIL ends up with a baby, she's never going to be
|happy for you and your husband. She didn't like you before you had a
|baby. Now it's just one more thing her brother "got the easy way".
|u/lanakickstail - 12 hours
|
|NTA. I actually was an Ashley in my first marriage. Struggled with
|infertility for several years while my SILs and sister and friends and
|seemingly everyone kept getting pregnant and popping out babies. It
|certainly made me sad, but I sure as hell didn’t put that on them. We
|all celebrated every new baby, and I just dealt with my own
|disappointment and sadness privately.
|u/rocketmn69_ - 11 hours
|
|Answer her when she calls. Be polite. " I am incredibly hurt by what
|was said and how it was handled. I need space and can't talk to anyone
|right now. Enjoy the holidays with your family. When I am ready, I
|will reach out, until then, give me my peace. Goodbye" don't let her
|get a word in edgewise and hang up. Be firm, but stay polite. Be the
|bigger person
|u/BoredandBrowse - 9 hours
|
|Wait wait so your MIL's solution is to pretend that the her **infant**
|grandchild does not exist so that her **ADULT** daughter can get
|through the holidays without feeling sad or losing it???? NTA. Ashleys
|needs to suck it up, she probably orchestrated the entire 'exclude the
|baby' plan
|u/WrongCase7532 - 12 hours
|
|Nta and i agree going forward limit time with inlaws. Create extended
|family with friends who also may not have family. No way would i forget
|the audacity of mil request and wouldn’t want her around my child
|either.
|u/TNJDude - 12 hours
|
|NTA. That was an insanely stupid and insensitive thing to suggest! But
|(of course there's a "but") it sounds like the MIL has realized the
|egregious mistake she made and is trying to make amends. At some point
|you'll either have to accept her apologies or go emotionally low-
|contact/no-contact. For the moment, you can hold off, but you'll have
|to make a decision soon. To me, it sounds like Ashley got her ear for
|too long and emotionally manipulated them into doing something they
|wouldn't have thought of otherwise. Maybe have a quiet Thanksgiving
|with just your little family and/or some friends and then plan out how
|Christmas is handled. Perhaps one holiday without their granddaughter
|will help reinforce to them how immature Ashley is acting.
|u/Green_Cheesecake_114 - 12 hours
|
|Absolutely NTA! One of my SIL is in the same position with wanting to
|be a mother and having issues so when my husband and I announced my
|pregnancy I could tell she was a bit upset. However she has never ever
|excluded our daughter and she loves her so much! Your SIL has every
|right to feel upset but that is not really your problem and you should
|not be punished for that. Stuff them all and have a beautiful Christmas
|just the 3 of you!
|u/Total_Bee_8742 - 12 hours
|
|It’s time to start your own holiday traditions at home. Decorate and
|serve the food you and your husband love. Enjoy your brand new baby in
|peace. Invite friends to participate that love and care about you.
|Your pathetic SIL can go pound sand. Yes it’s horribly sad that her
|pregnancy ended with a miscarriage. It’s also unfortunate that she
|can’t be happy for you or wishes that you didn’t exist at this point.
|Your MIL was out of line for her suggestions. How hurtful it had to be
|for you to hear such hurtful words coming from someone you love. Know
|that there are a lot of people out there who are on your side.
|u/amanofcultureisee - 12 hours
|
|Cut contact with the inlaws. Save your kids from a lifetime of shitty
|grandparents always putting others before you or them. Think real
|hard, this isn't the first time people had to make accommodations for
|SIL is it? My wife's sister's husband ( my BIL) grew up with 3
|sisters and has been treated like a whipping boy his entire life. He
|noticed when they had grandkids in that family, the girls' kids were
|favored blatantly. He never cut contact, but he certainly stopped
|going to family shit on their side. His kids deserve better and so
|does he. At least he knows that. Hope you figure it out too
|u/Brynden_Tullys - 12 hours
|
|NTA. I’m infertile and have other issues that would make being pregnant
|extremely difficult to impossible. I’ve made my peace with this. A lot
|of my friends have children, does it sting? Yeah a bit, but it’s my
|problem, not theirs, and my more overwhelming emotion is happiness for
|them, and I enjoy hanging out with them and their kids. That was a
|long winded way of me saying I can see things from your SILs
|perspective, but at the end of the day, children are everywhere, you
|can’t be the only person in her life with kids. Is she just gonna avoid
|everyone and everywhere to avoid children? I think you should take
|this opportunity to make your own traditions and memories with your
|husband and daughter. If your husband’s family have to miss out on your
|daughter’s milestones, then at this point, so be it. They upset you,
|her parents. That’s all on them.
|u/Ok-Reply9552 - 12 hours
|
|I would’ve just said “ok” and then they’d never see me or my child
|again unless my husband is in the hospital bc no. They shouldn’t have a
|grandchild after that either. They don’t deserve the title. W husband.
|Block MIL and FIL. She basically said “f you and your daughters
|feelings. My bratty daughter’s feelings matter more”. Cutting them off
|now ensures that your child never has to go through the neglect or ever
|have to be told they shouldn’t come because this family members
|feelings matter more. Her saying she loves you and your daughter while
|she’s excluding you for a brat who’s obviously in the wrong actually
|ticked me off. I know you wish you had a larger family but I promise
|you that you child will be happier with two loving parents who defended
|her than with extended family who will “keep the peace”(aka side with
|the person in the wrong) in exchange for you or your child’s feelings.
|u/daylily61 - 9 hours
|
|Did Ashley ask her parents to ask you to leave your daughter out of the
|celebrations? The answer to that might give you some insight into your
|MIL's thinking. But it really doesn't matter. Neither your MIL or
|Ashley herself can (or should) expect other people to leave their
|kids behind so that Ashley won't be uncomfortable. It's perfectly
|normal for parents, especially new parents, to talk about their
|children and just as normal for others to ask about them. Ashley is
|just going to have to get used to that I know what I'm talking
|about. My husband and I have been married almost 40 years now. We
|always wanted children, but have never been blessed. It STILL gives me
|a pang when I see young parents with their kids, especially infants,
|but I can hardly expect the parents to hide their kids so that I won't
|be uncomfortable, can I? Besides it wouldn't work. Listen
|carefully: I already know that we don't have any children. I find it
|WAY more painful to know that other people are avoiding talking about
|their children because they think thats tactful, than I do listening to
|them. As I said, it's perfectly normal for parents to talk about
|their children, and it doesn't bother me. What DOES bother me is when
|others focus on ME, asking me why we don't have children, didn't I know
|that we could adopt, etc. Those things are none of their business.
|Besides, I still have a life to live. I'd much rather hear about the
|new parents' hopes for their child than resenting that I don't have any
|myself. I'm much healthier and happier that way 😀
|u/Melodic_Sail_6193 - 12 hours
|
|NTA And I bet that if your SIL will ever habe a baby then this child
|is going to be grandma's favourite. You and your children will always
|be the lesser ones.
|u/Level_Variation8032 - 12 hours
|
|NTA
|u/Didi1958 - 12 hours
|
|NTA but your MIL and SIL sure are. Thank goodness your husband has your
|back. Create your own special holiday traditions and let the others
|stew in the mess they are making. What a toxic duo. UpdateMe
|u/herejusttoargue909 - 12 hours
|
|I’m so sorry op As a mother I know what you’re going through I’m sure
|your ppd hasn’t been helpful in this situation I’m sure it stung even
|more cause you don’t have your mommy.. so mil is supposed to step up
|big time especially for your baby being the only gma she has left MIL
|AND FIL went about it the wrong way. Let’s not forget him because men
|love to hide behind their women but he could’ve put a stop to it too..
|MIL is trying to protect her baby just like you are but there is a
|difference when that baby is an adult compared to an actual infant..
|Personally I’d skip the holidays anyways.. make your own traditions
|with this being baby’s firsts! Surprisingly I’m skipping the in laws
|holidays for things kind of similar to your situation. Ita nice to
|hear your husband had your back Communication is key but when so many
|emotions are mixed it’s probably not a good thing SIL might say
|something she can’t come back from. Who knows what side MIL/FIL will
|pick (during discussion because they made their line clear so far) plus
|your husband might cut them off.. I think just you and your husband
|should talk about the things you guys can do for the holidays just your
|little family and let them see how their actions separated the family.
|They’ll think twice to ever do it to yall ever again. Good luck op
|u/RP2020-19 - 12 hours
|
|NTA.
|u/SnugglieJellyfish - 12 hours
|
|NTA. I struggled to get pregnant and I would never dream of asking
|someone to leave their baby home on a holiday.
|u/Material_Army_2354 - 12 hours
|
|I thought it was the whole point of holidays to fuss over children and
|grandchildren! WTF!
|u/pattio_furniture - 12 hours
|
|I would tell her that’s fine. You’ll invite the rest of the family over
|and she can have her daughter. That should solve the problem.
|u/Proper-Author-8551 - 12 hours
|
|Absolutely NTA… Your SIL and MIL are for putting you in this situation.
|You were kind and sympathetic enough to keep your pregnancy not the
|sole focus and try to understand your SIL’s situation. Unfortunately if
|she cannot handle it then she is the one that needs to sit out. As
|for your MIL while I understand wanting to protect her daughter she
|went about entirely wrong. She should have talked to her daughter and
|explained that, while she sympathizes either way her, she cannot ask
|you or your husband (her son) to sit out on the holidays especially
|since it’s your babies first holiday season… her first granddaughter to
|boot as well.
|u/OkAdministration7456 - 12 hours
|
|I don’t mean to be mean, but Ashley needs to realize that life goes on
|around her.
|u/GooseCharacter5078 - 11 hours
|
|Your MIL clearly didn’t think things through. Clearly she didn’t think
|through insulting you. Clearly she didn’t think showing her son who is
|the favorite would affect their relationship. Clearly, if she talked to
|FIL beforehand, he didn’t tell her how stupid her idea was. Clearly she
|hasn’t told Ashley what she needs is therapy. Clearly she has shown who
|she is. Backtracking now doesn’t erase the insult.
|u/Any-Dependent31 - 10 hours
|
|NTA it's sad that Ashley is having issues getting pregnant, but if she
|can't be around you and your baby the she should be the one to excuse
|herself not insist that you and your husband accommodate her. Could she
|not spend the holidays with her in-laws instead? She has the option of
|going to family on the other side, you unfortunately don't have that
|option. Your husbands family is all you have, and you'd like to think
|his parents would want to see their first grandchild for their first
|christmas/ thanksgiving. Sure, there will be others in the future, but
|there will never be another first, and what if Ashley can't ever get
|pregnant? Are you and your child supposed to be permanently excluded so
|as to not hurt her feelings?
|u/Fioreborn - 10 hours
|
|Imagine trying to explain to the rest of the family at Christmas why
|you aren't there. 'OH yea OP and the baby aren't invited because
|Ashley doesnt want any of you paying attention to the baby so we
|decided to shun them to protect her feelings ' Does Ashley not see
|babies everywhere? On streets, TV and other media. Does she close her
|eyes or expect people to stay indoors with them? I do sympathise with
|your sil. It is painful and it must be heartbreaking to see something
|you do not yet have but are you supposed to miss out on every family
|event because she might get upset?
|u/Decent-Loquat1899 - 10 hours
|
|Gee, you not attending, and the rest of the family finds out why….ohhh.
|I’m sure MIL and Ashley will get an ear full.
|u/NikkiCamaroSS - 9 hours
|
|NTA at all. There will never be an ending to the sister's complaints
|either! If she does get pregnant she will be angry if anyone shows
|interest in the baby still instead of doting on her. When she has a
|baby she will complain if any time at all goes to anyone else. She will
|want everything to be about her baby. It will be competition
|constantly. I would ask the MIL how she would fix any of those
|situations because they will definitely happen. SIL needs obvious
|therapy and it sounds like an attitude adjustment because her attitude
|started well before they had a child.
|u/NightVelvet - 9 hours
|
|NTA I lost my son because he was premature. Two weeks later I
|accidentally learned my sister was pregnant. I was excited that I was
|going to be an Aunt. I never was able to have kids but was happy for
|everyone I knew that became pregnant. Did I mourn not having my own
|... hell yes.
|u/Sure_Tree_5042 - 9 hours
|
|Nta. Well I guess MIL got her request granted, although the
|relationship will probably never be the same. What happens if SIL
|never has a baby, will all the family kids get banned from holidays?
|u/ranchojasper - 9 hours
|
|Hi OP. I'm not going to go into detail but my life recently fell apart
|and Christmas is going to be extremely difficult for me so this year.
|So instead of asking members of my family to for example not bring
|their two year-old over for Christmas, or do Christmas differently or
|anything like that, I acted like an adult and I chose to skip Christmas
|this year. I'm taking a solo trip to NYC instead, it is not ideal, but
|never in one zillion years would I have considered asking my family
|members to disinclude my nieces and nephew because of what I'm going
|through. It would never even have occurred to me!! The fact that Ashley
|seems to have asked for this and then your mother-in-law actually had
|the gall to try to suggest it blows my fucking mind NTA. It really
|sucks that Ashley is having this situation just like my situation
|really sucks. It is *beyond unacceptable* for her to make it everyone
|else's problem during the holidays.
|u/ER_Support_Plant17 - 8 hours
|
|Internet stranger hugs. My husband recently passed and I know the
|holidays are going to be a wreck. But I would never as people in
|relationships to not bring there SO around because it makes me sad
|u/Jerseygirl2468 - 9 hours
|
|NTA I am truly appalled that they do not want to celebrate the holidays
|with their first grandchild. I understand it’s hard for Ashley, but if
|she can’t be around the baby, then she should be the one stepping
|aside.
|u/thatsharkchick - 9 hours
|
|NTA. There were plenty of ways to approach this. SIL goes for
|Thanksgiving; OP, husband, and baby stay home. They switch for
|Christmas. Or, SIL goes on Christmas Eve; OP, husband, and baby go
|Christmas morning. Or, the holidays are celebrated out (if possible)
|so SIL can duck out if emotions are too strong. Or, basically
|anything other than the options that MIL presented. Both the options
|created an othering of the baby, exclusion. I'd be deeply offended by
|the suggestion, but more so that NO options other than excluding the
|baby were presented. None. That is the hurtful part, that they thought
|so little of OP's family to offer literally anything else. OP,
|definitely discuss this with your husband, but I'd at least recommend
|having your own Thanksgiving. It's not worth the hassle so close to the
|holiday to seek alternatives that won't hurt worse than you guys
|already do. Even if you go, the memory of this will be too fresh to
|have much fun without questioning the experience. After that, I'd
|personally burn bridges by doing what another comment suggested (having
|holidays with just hubby and baby, followed by spamming social media
|with photos harping on baby's first holiday). However, I know
|scorched earth isn't everyone's thing. You could consider offering to
|host Christmas if you feel physically and emotionally ready (*under a
|year postpartum, you'd be well within reasonable expectations to not
|want to host). That would remove the onus on the in laws and force SIL
|to be the one to decide to sit out. Which would also force her to
|either cope or out her attitude to the rest of the family. Whatever
|you do, DO NOT let these fools ruin your family's first holidays!!!!!
|u/simplymandee - 9 hours
|
|That would be enough for me and I’d totally be done with that family.
|No more holidays or celebrations. No unsupervised visits with your
|child. I personally wouldn’t ever bother with them again. If your
|husband chooses to stop by for a few minutes o. The holidays, that’s
|fine. But nope. Now that she’s made it clear your child is not wanted
|because her daughter has fertility issues, which aren’t yours or your
|daughter’s fault. Start looking up new thanksgiving and Christmas
|celebrations. Make the holidays fun and uniquely catered to you and
|your husband and daughter. Invite any friends you can. Start some new
|fun traditions.
|u/Sufficient-Dinner-27 - 8 hours
|
|NTA. While I understand your desire for family bonds now that your mom
|is gone, please undersand that immersing yourself in your in-laws'
|traditions and family is no substitute for creating your own. The
|traditions you make for YOUR family, will be more memorable and loved
|by your children than hand-me-downs from in-laws. My now-adult
|children still reminisce about our small holidays, not jam packed with
|others. I visit THEM now-upon being invited-and enjoy doing things
|their way; not foisting off on them the traditions of my childhood or
|how I did things as a young mom. You have every right to be insulted
|and upset by your MIL's suggestions. She was tone-deaf, misguided and
|thoughtless, but not, I think, being malicious. But that's no reason
|to capitulate. Take your cues from your husband and step back. Enjoy
|these 1st holidays with your daughter and don't let someone else's
|family drama infect your special days.
|u/kieka408 - 8 hours
|
|Even if OP, husband and baby don’t go…. The focus will still be on
|them. Everyone else will be asking where they are and how they were
|looking forward to seeing the baby. SIL is just going to have to learn
|how to live with other people having things she doesn’t. It sucks but
|it’s unavoidable.
|u/Capable-Ad3912 - 8 hours
|
|NTA.So what happens when your BILs have their own kids? Is everyone in
|the family just supposed to hide the fact that they are procreating
|until SIL has one?
|u/CupSorry2582 - 12 hours
|
|I don’t think your MIL thought this through, or her judgement was
|clouded by her daughter’s pain. It also sounds like MIL might have
|started to realize the harm she was doing towards the end of the
|conversation. I think right now let your self have your feelings they
|are completely valid. Then you and your husband need to come together
|and make some hard decisions. Can MIL come back from this? Only you and
|your husband can decide. I do hope you guys figure this out. Don’t
|hold onto this whichever you decide. Don’t let the resentment fester
|and harden your heart. Not only for your sake but for your daughter.
|u/Future-Nebula74656 - 12 hours
|
| The sil needs therapy. Nta
|u/annebonnell - 12 hours
|
|NTA your mother-in-law and father-in-law and the rest of the family,
|especially Ashley are the assholes. That is the stupidest way to do
|this. If Ashley cannot deal with having an infant around her, then she
|stays home. Just because someone has a tragedy in their life does not
|make them entitled to make everyone else around them miserable.
|u/GroovyYaYa - 12 hours
|
|OP said the entire family was looking forward to baby's Thanksgiving
|and Christmas. The other siblings may not know what MIL request was.
|u/Ok_Illustrator5694 - 11 hours
|
|And OP husband needs to make sure his sibs know why they won’t be
|there. Not because they’re being asked to take sides or to become
|involved in the debate, but because who knows how MIL is going to
|spin this!
|u/Sea-Ad9057 - 12 hours
|
|live as an expat or foreigner in your own country celebrate these
|holidays with friends instead let your friends take on "aunts" and
|"uncle" rolls ... reference point i lived abroad as a kid we had big
|celebrations for things like christmas 20 plus people for dinner i had
|aunts and uncles who were my mum and dads friends. We had the best
|christmases then one year we flew back to do a family christmas it was
|super boring lots of fights couldnt wait for it to end we lived in a
|country that didnt celebrate christmas so we had to make an effort to
|make it feel christmasey. you have your blood family and your real
|family focus on the family that doesnt exclude you, and trust me you
|will have nice holidays and create amazing memories for your kid if
|mil fil and sil want updates on your kids they can get them through
|social media
|u/No_Direction6575 - 12 hours
|
|You're definitely not in the wrong. Your MIL should celebrate all her
|grandkids, not exclude one for someone else's feelings. It's unfair to
|you and your baby. Boundaries need to be set.
|u/Feisty-Barracuda5452 - 12 hours
|
|NTA. MIL and SIL are the gaping AH here.
|u/Holiday_Horse3100 - 12 hours
|
|Build your own family traditions-a lot less stressful and much more
|enjoyable. You can travel, have a big friend party, or just kick back.
|Your family should not be treated like dirt because Ashley is throwing
|a fit. Go LC or NC fir the foreseeable future
|u/PrairieGrrl5263 - 12 hours
|
|NTA! Knowing, as you do now, that you are not fully a member of your
|husband's family (nor is his and your child) I would create your own
|holiday traditions, and I would make sure his family were aware of them
|but never invited.
|u/Difficult_Ad_502 - 12 hours
|
|NTA, but her comments would pretty much end any relationship I had with
|her…
|u/CampSpiritual3808 - 12 hours
|
| If I want to understand their perspective, their daughter is depressed
|and probably she is talking with them about her pain, so they tried to
|find a solution, a stupid, insensitive one. But I don’t think they had
|bad intentions. If I want to be vindictive and petty; Next time when
|they want to see their grandchildren tell them to wait for Ashley’s
|baby, it’s look like they don’t see yours as family. (I don’t know them
|so I can’t choose) You need time and a distance from them. What did
|they wanted was f.cked up. Skip this one with your in laws. I hope you
|and your husband can have a perfect Christmas and Thanksgiving with
|your friends.
|u/pepperpat64 - 12 hours
|
|Ashley has a family to go through her issues with - her husband. I'd
|let your husband handle this since he also finds his mom's request
|unacceptable.
|u/Key-Customer7950 - 12 hours
|
|Updateme!
|u/Quiet-Hamster6509 - 11 hours
|
|If you let this happen it will always set the tone. MIL won't be able
|to have your daughter over for a few hours in case Ashley comes by and
|can't handle seeing her. Your child is a living breathing human being,
|asking you to sit things out is not acceptable. Fast forward 5years,
|what if Ashley still hasn't had a child, will your daughter still be
|banned from family events? This is a hill to die on and tbh I'd give
|TG and Xmas a miss all together with them. NTA
|u/handsheal - 11 hours
|
|Your MIL is a special kind of horrible Create your own traditions with
|your family (you, so, & lo) because once SIL has a baby yours will be
|pushed to the side anyway She sounds like the type to give your LO 1
|generic trash gift while showering the SIL with lavish, top of the wish
|list gifts She has shown you who she is. Believe her and plan your
|actions accordingly
|u/Abject-Rich - 11 hours
|
|Ashley is a c*nt. I have a large family and miscarriages happen.
|You know what my cousins do? Spend time and love every baby available
|to drown their sorrow. Stay away from the enabler in-laws and do not
|trust them with Baby.
|u/JungleJimMaestro - 11 hours
|
|This could have gone one of two ways. Supportive husband or non-
|supportive husband. You hit the jackpot and got a hell of a supportive
|husband. Much respect to him.
|u/Phxhayes445 - 11 hours
|
|I would like to say that I am so happy and proud of your husband for
|being the amazing man and father he is!! Too many times on Reddit we
|hear of the man giving in to his family request. I am so happy that he
|called BS and stuck up for real his family, u and his child. Please
|tell him that this internet stranger would be happy to be a proud
|grandma if she could. The fact his TWIN is so selfish is
|unbelievable. But being the only girl I am guessing she was always
|babied and protected by the parents right?!?! Well now u have a
|daughter and it’s her turn to be protected. Ashley is probably also
|jealous that she is the “baby girl” of the family any more. She needs
|therapy and you guys can build a family for your daughter with people
|who might not be blood but they love her and put her first. That’s way
|more important.
|u/Imaginary-Pain9598 - 11 hours
|
|Why doesn’t SIL go spend the holidays with her husband’s side of the
|family???!
|u/hypnagogicXjerk - 11 hours
|
|Nta MIL just made a huge mistake. I would always feel unwelcome at
|holidays now, MIL chose who she’d rather have at holidays. It’s sad
|that it wasn’t her first grandchild. ALSO I think we know who the
|favorite twin has been and always will be.
|u/Sea-Zucchini-5109 - 10 hours
|
|As a grandmother myself , I could never imagine in my wildest dreams
|that I would not be a part of my grandchildren’s first Thanksgiving and
|Christmas. Not being with all my family would break me and I would not
|allow my daughter to manipulate the situation. The daughter needs to
|excuse herself if the situation makes her uncomfortable. She should not
|ruin everyone else’s holidays because she is upset. She needs to try
|to get over it. Maybe seek out counseling but expecting your parents to
|exclude their brand new grandchild is just awful. I hope the MIIL gets
|a backbone and tells her daughter to figure it out.
|u/Bntherednthat57 - 10 hours
|
|No no and hell no. Your husband should deal with this. In your MIL’s
|defense, she has been getting a lot of pressure from Ashley and may not
|have realized how truly crazy and cruel her suggestions were until you
|pointed it out. Your husband should talk to his mother. If he is
|satisfied with her apology, she can come to your home and apologize to
|both of you in person. If she is sincere and recognized how cruel she
|was to you, agree to go to the holidays only if she understands that
|your baby will be everyone’s focus. She must agree to not tolerate any
|unpleasant behavior from her daughter. If SIL doesn’t feel she can
|celebrate with you and the baby there, she can stay home. Thanksgiving
|can be a trial. If you are at all uncomfortable, leave and no Xmas. I
|don’t see any other option
|u/Puzzleheaded_Bet3455 - 10 hours
|
|Nta. You'll never be fully welcomed until ashley had a child, and even
|then, will be playing second fiddles as everyone will by then be
|praising this rainbow child or whatever they call it these days.
|u/millhouse_vanhousen - 10 hours
|
|NTA. And as my friend very wisely once said: "As much as it hurts
|when my friend or my family has a child and I don't, I show the fuck
|up, I love on that kid and I support them because they support me back.
|And when my time comes all my friends will give me that love in return
|because I didn't shut myself off from the joy I could get because I was
|terrified to be sad," It's very sad Ashley is struggling with
|infertility. But she cannot stop your child from existing in public
|spaces because she is sad. She needs to be in intensive therapy if your
|child's existence is hurting her to the point she's avoiding gatherings
|because of a made up scenario.
|u/4bigSkyy - 10 hours
|
|This is the first Thanksgiving and Christmas for your baby and for you
|and your husband to celebrate as a family. Start your traditions, and
|do not look back. I understand bratty Ashley is the golden child. My
|husband has grown up/lived in a similar situation as you, your husband,
|and his parents. My husband's younger sister (who lives in Australia
|and is worthless,) and trust me, it will never get better. Ashley is
|the puppet master, and your in-laws will never correct her behavior,
|nor will they protect the other adult children in the picture unless
|Ashley permits them. We took turns flying from the Pacific Northwest to
|Philadelphia while my father-in-law was dying. I took the entire Summer
|off and stayed with my mother-in-law so she was not alone while Fil was
|on life support. My Fil passed away in October, and we were told not to
|come to Philadelphia for the funeral because it would make the sister
|in Australia look badly for not coming out to see her father or for his
|funeral. My husband no longer speaks to his mother. Sometimes, a person
|will never wholly receive parental approval unless the entitled child
|consents. Also, I grew up in foster care and did not have any family.
|We celebrate holidays with our children and friends and have a blast.
|Only the best to you...
|u/ER_Support_Plant17 - 10 hours
|
|I’m saying this as someone who knows, I can tell you why my life has
|sucked and currently sucks but it doesn’t matter. There is no suffering
|Olympics. Ashley needs to deal with her grief. Plenty of people go
|through stuff, but we don’t keep others from having the joy or
|experience we lost. Where does it end other people can’t have parents
|at celebrations because their parents have passed? No one can show up
|to events with a significant other because someone in attendance was
|widowed? We’d all just sit alone every holiday. F that I want to share
|in other’s joy.
|u/The_Sanch1128 - 6 hours
|
|Start your own tradition. Invite friends, co-workers who have no local
|family, the woman at the grocery store whose kids have moved away, the
|postman, your favorite server whose restaurant is closed on
|Thanksgiving, a favorite retired teacher, the quiet widow who always
|helps out at your church, the old guy who works at the oil change
|place. Your baby will be a hit with them. Meanwhile, have your
|husband tell the others who are invited to your in-laws exactly why you
|won't be there. "We will not be attending the traditional Thanksgiving
|at my parents' house because Mom made a completely unacceptable demand
|on my family. My wife and child come first in my life, and while I
|love my parents and sibling(s), I won't let my wife and child be so
|disrespected."
|