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|u/No_Quote7705 - 23 hours
|
|Number 3 is underrated - sometimes giving each other space is the
|ultimate act of love. Also, surprise dates? Time to step up my game.
|u/The_Singularious - 18 hours
|
|Surprise dates are a mixed bag in a busy household. *Planning* a date?
|Yeah. But just telling my wife I’m taking her out Friday might
|actually cause more stress than checking in and seeing if she feels
|like going out. Space though, yeah. Took me a long time to realize
|that.
|u/ninjaelk - 13 hours
|
|I'm thinking they mostly mean 'spontaneous' instead of surprise, and
|dates maybe meaning more like 'spending some intimate time together'
|and not strictly going out. Having delivery from a nice restaurant
|that you eat just the two of you, and replacing "we're both on the
|couch half watching whatever while on our phones" with intentionally
|sitting together and watching something you both want to see, even
|if just for 30-60 minutes between other interruptions, can be a
|date. I think it's more the act of looking for time to purposefully
|spend together that isn't necessarily pre-negotiated ahead of time.
|u/The_Singularious - 13 hours
|
|That definitely makes more sense.
|u/Desert-Noir - 13 hours
|
|The criteria is thoughtful gifts, if your life doesn’t fit with
|surprises, don’t surprise her and get her a gift or a note or ask
|her on a date. You do need to use your brain and not follow a list
|with zero thought.
|u/The_Singularious - 11 hours
|
|Yeah. Pretty much what I said.
|u/theycallmeponcho - 17 hours
|
|Surprise date might work betterin your case by planning dinning with
|some friends and having a romantic dinner you two alone being the
|surprise.
|u/TruthAndAccuracy - 16 hours
|
|What if your partner was looking forward to seeing friends and
|then is disappointed they're not going to be there?
|u/sunsetpark12345 - 13 hours
|
|I imagine it's more like, your partner is expecting a normal
|night at home, but *actually* you've prepared their favorite
|mea, lit candles, and have a thoughtful gift for them; not, your
|partner thinks they're going to see friends but then finds out
|you're staying home instead.
|u/supernanify - 12 hours
|
|I think that's a lovely gesture, but I would still much prefer
|to know in advance that it's coming. If I'm emotionally
|prepared to put pj's on and pass out in front of the tv, I
|might find it jarring to suddenly find out that we're actually
|doing something higher-effort.
|u/theycallmeponcho - 16 hours
|
|You gotta know who are you talking about in the lie. You use
|your work friends, people that she doesn't entirely like, or
|other people that you both know. Never their best friends, or
|people she absolutely likes.
|u/mortgagepants - 16 hours
|
|i think a surprise date could be more like, "wear hiking clothes
|for saturday lunch" and then you surprise them with a picnic in
|the woods. not like, "i have a terminal illness- surprise!"
|u/TruthAndAccuracy - 16 hours
|
|>and then you surprise them with a picnic in the woods. This
|is how you get ants
|u/_Happy_Sisyphus_ - 11 hours
|
|Get out of here with your adult logic
|u/GlitterPants8 - 8 hours
|
|I had a guy friend do this exact thing in an attempt to be
|romantic. I apparently ruined it by making him actually hike
|and getting wet in a stream and then not being hungry.
|u/WeakStreamZ - 16 hours
|
|Time to give them some space then.
|u/TruthAndAccuracy - 16 hours
|
|Venting your partner out the airlock seems a bit extreme
|u/mmatessa - 13 hours
|
|Unless they're sus...
|u/LynkDead - 11 hours
|
|There's no need to lie. Just tell them you're taking them on a
|date, but leave out the specifics. They'll need to know what kind
|of clothes to wear, and what time to be ready, but the rest can be
|a mystery. The excitement of knowing-but-not-knowing is more than
|enough.
|u/Front_Target7908 - 13 hours
|
|Esther Perell had a good example of how a couple who’d been married
|for 25 years kept spontaneity in the marriage (and sex life). In
|the example she said this couple both blocked out Wednesday as the
|day they would have sexy time. Which sounds like a super dull way to
|have sex. Until Esther said they would alternate the planning of
|each Wednesday. Which meant the other partner didn’t know what,
|where, how their sexual experience was gonna happen. I was like
|“yep that’ll work” hahah
|u/The_Singularious - 13 hours
|
|That does sound fun.
|u/schlitz91 - 20 hours
|
|I think that this one really stems from emotional independence and
|security.
|u/Litty-In-Pitty - 19 hours
|
|It’s my number 1. I need to be able to do my own thing… I love my
|wife. But I have a fairly mentally demanding full time job and 2 young
|children. By the time I have fulfilled my daily responsibilities I
|just want to kick back and play PlayStation or something for a couple
|hours before going to bed. It’s not that I don’t want to spend time
|with my wife, but sometimes it is really difficult to balance the
|daily grind, personal hobbies, and intimacy. So for me having a wife
|who is happy to just do our own things in the evening and not needing
|to be each other’s entertainment is huge.
|u/DDeadRoses - 18 hours
|
|It’s called self care my friend. You need to do things that make you
|stress free, calm you, and helps you reset yourself. Making time for
|yourself shouldn’t make your partner feel insecure. Whenever I told
|my dates that they thought I just didn’t like hanging out with them.
|Weird society we live in.
|u/boredlibertine - 17 hours
|
|Yes until it starts to interfere with getting a proper amount of time
|with the other numbers, then it can run the risk of being toxic.
|There’s balance in all things. I like my personal space too but I
|wouldn’t see it as the ultimate act of love. For me the ultimate act
|is number 6 because I would prioritize someone who loves my children
|the same as me.
|u/GraspingSonder - 16 hours
|
|Of course this is the one heralded by the top Reddit comment.
|u/Fahslabend - 11 hours
|
|And number five, my most important, covers a couple more. To me, one
|and five are the same and can easily be achieved through six and even
|a "surprise date", too. "Togetherness" is number one, and that
|includes intimacy, making many of the steps redundant.
|u/OkBackground8809 - 11 hours
|
|My husband and I are perfectly fine being next to each other 24/7,
|**but** we're also very happy to get a couple hours of alone time
|every day. Gives us time to decompress and give our best selves to
|each other.
|u/Cicer - 11 hours
|
|Look I gave you space. Do I get the BJ now or later.
|u/Memitim - 16 hours
|
|That's why communication is so important. Each time that my wife tells
|me to go away, I understand that she's making her need for personal
|space known, so it's really an expression of love. I never knew anyone
|could need so much personal space every day.
|u/TheManInTheShack - 22 hours
|
|This of course is AFTER finding a partner that resolves conflicts the
|same way you do. According to 25 years of clinical research done by Dr.
|John Gottman and his team, without the same conflict resolution style,
|you’re pretty much doomed. They were able to predict with 94% accuracy
|whether or not a couple would still be together in 5 years. The three
|styles are negotiation, agree to disagree and volatile.
|u/Fenix42 - 17 hours
|
|>It’s one of those things that takes work and personal growth, which
|a lot of people seem adverse to. It also takes being vulnerable.
|That is the thing a lot of people have been taught to avoid
|completely.
|u/Ed-alicious - 9 hours
|
|Vulnerability is so often seen as being a sign of weakness but
|being able to **deliberately** allow yourself to be the little man
|(or woman) sometimes is the toughest thing you can do,
|particularly when it comes to your relationship with your partner.
|u/Minavore - 17 hours
|
|I was starting to get a bit anxious reading everyone's responses,
|but your experience matches mine closely. We're starting to
|understand each other better after a lot of tough times, and
|everything is just starting to click. 6 years in March :)
|u/UndeadHero - 16 hours
|
|It seems like a lot of people are quick to give up on
|relationships these days if everything isn’t perfect, but they
|really do take work. The key is just finding someone willing to
|put in the work with you, and being open to change yourself. Glad
|to hear things are going well for you!
|u/Jimbo696969 - 11 hours
|
|Girlfriend shuts down. I chase to resolve. It’s been 3 years and I
|think it’s getting better. Disagreements don’t happen often.
|Literally the last breakdown was over her not giving me space. I
|want to be in a room alone for a few hours here and there. Glad
|someone else put into words our relationship dynamic.
|u/vinvinnocent - 21 hours
|
|Do you have a source for more details on these styles and their
|methodology?
|u/ScoffersGonnaScoff - 20 hours
|
|This interested me, so I looked up a summary
|https://thepowermoves.com/why-marriages-succeed-or-fail/
|u/TheManInTheShack - 21 hours
|
|Yes. Check out his book, “Why Marriages Succeed or Fail” by Dr. John
|Gottman. It details the research and the findings. It’s interesting
|that in the forward, Gottman says that if you had asked him prior to
|doing the research which style would result in marriage longevity,
|he would have said the negotiators. It turned out to be all three.
|The key is having the same style. It makes sense when you think
|about it. Having mismatched styles would be extremely frustrating
|and unproductive. Anecdotally, many years ago my mom sent me an
|article comparing Gottman’s book to the best selling complete
|nonsense that is “Men and From Mars, Women are From Venus”. I
|bought Gottman’s book, read it and realized that my then three year
|relationship was indeed doomed so I ended it. Two months later I
|met a woman to whom I proposed just two months after that. We’ve
|been happily married for over 25 years now. We are both negotiators.
|:)
|u/jweddig28 - 20 hours
|
|What about volatile negotiation
|u/AssaultKommando - 19 hours
|
|Either you feel like you're getting nowhere or you feel like you're
|defusing a bomb.
|u/TheManInTheShack - 19 hours
|
|I don’t think they talk about multiple styles.
|u/TheFightingMasons - 21 hours
|
|What’s violate mean in this context?
|u/ScoffersGonnaScoff - 20 hours
|
|“Volatile”. - here’s a summary https://thepowermoves.com/why-
|marriages-succeed-or-fail/
|u/MasonNolanJr - 15 hours
|
|You violate them until you get what you want
|u/-Nicolai - 15 hours
|
|This isn’t science :(
|u/kaest - 12 hours
|
|I think it's more important to understand your partner's conflict
|resolution style than to necessarily have the same style. You can have
|separate styles as long as you can accommodate each other.
|u/TheManInTheShack - 12 hours
|
|You can’t. That’s what the researchers found. If you have different
|styles then you will not be able to resolve conflicts which will
|lead to resentment which will eventually end the relationship.
|u/kaest - 10 hours
|
|Except, you can. This is one study, that isn't 100% accurate.
|u/onlyouwillgethis - 15 hours
|
|Can’t believe this needs research! This has been common sense for me
|since years, but I’m glad it exists.
|u/Cicer - 11 hours
|
|What about just complete avoidance?
|u/TheManInTheShack - 11 hours
|
|Unresolved conflict leads to resentment which leads to the end of
|the relationship.
|u/ramrug - 2 hours
|
|I'm curious, what would the accuracy be if you predict that all
|couples break up within 5 years?
|u/ggrieves - 18 hours
|
|Then there's the permanent trauma bond
|u/WineAndDogs2020 - 23 hours
|
|I feel like "sharing everyday responsibilities" should be on that list,
|as so many issues seem to stem from lack of effort on one person's side
|regarding things like chores and childcare.
|u/Stiftoad - 19 hours
|
|Feel like those should be inherently part of number 1 and 2. Caring
|for shared material possessions and taking a load of your partner
|Which considering how they’re so high on the list explains why many
|marriages fail Edit: reading other comments it seems that yes taking
|on some of your partners equitable share of responsibility is
|considered as part of no.2 but also this study does seem to assume
|that chores are already fairly split
|u/ProdigyThirteen - 19 hours
|
|That’ll be because it is a part of 2 if you read the article
|Gestures such as taking on a larger share of household chores or
|financial planning can also demonstrate commitment to the
|relationship while lightening your partner’s load when they’re
|tired.
|u/Stiftoad - 18 hours
|
|Yeah like i said in the edit, others had already mentioned it
|being part of that. I just mentioned that these things, to me
|(without reading the study or other comments at the time) already
|felt intrinsically like they should be part of these. Just like
|the original comment communicated their feelings on the matter.
|Though it is vindicating that the study supports these feelings.
|u/Laetha - 12 hours
|
|The "taking an extra share of the load" thing can help for sure,
|but it can also breed resentment. My partner and I are in a good
|place, but there have been times when they are overwhelmed and I
|attempt to take on more than my share of housework as a gesture.
|It's not my proudest admittance, but it can lead to resentment if
|that extra gesture is taken for granted. If I'm taking on a chunk
|of what is typically your share of the work and it's not even
|recognized much less appreciated it can be very deflating.
|u/RetardAndPoors - 18 hours
|
|> taking a load of your partner Giggidy
|u/PerspicaciousPounder - 18 hours
|
|Shouldn’t it be “taking a load FROM your partner”?
|u/Stiftoad - 18 hours
|
|Thatd be point 4 i recon
|u/NGEFan - 23 hours
|
|Asia: I’m gonna pretend I didn’t see that
|u/rory888 - 20 hours
|
|Also asia: offloads childcare to grandparents
|u/jdsalaro - 19 hours
|
|Which is a perfectly reasonable exchange if the grandparents enjoy
|it and kids are tasked with taking care of and providing
|financially for their parents. There's no free lunch, everything
|is an exchange and families find a way to make things work.
|u/EndlessCourage - 19 hours
|
|Yes, I love this kind of arrangement, it’s not for everyone, but
|it can be amazing.
|u/rory888 - 19 hours
|
|yep. as long as its voluntary, its great. I just saw a grandma
|on social media opining she doesn’t get to see her
|grandchildren enough— bad relationship notwithstanding, she
|claimed her daughter, the parent was just too much of a
|trooper
|u/Legitimate_Mud_8295 - 18 hours
|
|I think people should take care of their own kids. If you need
|daycare then yes absolutely daycare is nutty expensive. But
|people in my family have my mother in law watch their kids when
|they don't even have any obligations. They just drop the baby
|off at Grandma's and relax, maybe run one errand while the other
|parent sits in the house. It would be nice but they do this 5/7
|days of the week. The grandma can't say no because she's too
|kind. I just can't in good conscience make someone else do
|something that I'm capable of doing myself and that's the
|difference between my Midwest upbringing and my wife's Asian
|family.
|u/xenolingual - 17 hours
|
|That's a norm for some cultures, including in the US. My
|mother's a Louisianian whose family has been there since the
|second French census. My father's Chinese. One of their many
|points of agreement was that child rearing was for the
|grandparents; we were in their parents' care, and now she
|cares for my niblings 5-6/7 days. We also lived with our
|parents until work or marriage forced us to move, which was
|common with most families in mother's part of Louisiana.
|u/_Happy_Sisyphus_ - 11 hours
|
|I think it would feel like an echo chamber if my only form of
|entertainment / work was being with my kids all day, every
|day. My kids really seem to thrive when enjoying other
|friends, peers, and adults with different styles and rules and
|see the art of the possible. Other kids speak their language
|and let them play and test things out in that play
|environment. I also love when families exchange conversation
|about bustling days and you get to hear so much variety from
|each person’s unique experiences. As long as parents are
|reading / connecting at pivotal points of the day, spending
|all day everyday together is not critical and in some cases
|may not be healthy.
|u/PoisonMikey - 7 hours
|
|That must be some rich family to have no obligations 5/7 days
|of the week. Not reflective at all of the average childrearing
|experience. Pay for a nanny and butler those Rockefellers.
|Your usual setup is two fulltime workers and kids need daycare
|or education obligations.
|u/condemned02 - 16 hours
|
|To be fair, we take care of our parents retirement, so they get
|paid.
|u/xenolingual - 17 hours
|
|Or low paid domestic helpers, who may be caring for child,
|parents, and grandparents (and their own children and family).
|u/AssaultKommando - 19 hours
|
|When was the last time you lived in Asia?
|u/MyHamburgerLovesMe - 19 hours
|
|Russia is in Asia.
|u/Turkishcoffee66 - 20 hours
|
|I can only speculate (there's no open access to the primary research
|article and it's $42 for non-subscribers), but maybe that has to do
|with the culture(s) of their sampled population? I'm Canadian and my
|wife and I would agree with you, but I can also understand that there
|are countries where respondents wouldn't, simply because that would be
|so far outside their expected cultural norms.
|u/emmzilly - 20 hours
|
|Great point! So many psychological studies represent WEIRD countries
|(Western, educated, industrialized, rich, democratic) and can’t be
|generalized to other cultures/countries. The 2 authors are Israeli
|so perhaps their study population is also.
|u/masterkenobi - 16 hours
|
|Part of being a good partner is honestly being a good roommate. If I'm
|being honest, my wife is a terrible roommate.
|u/PotRoastPotato - 19 hours
|
|There's also the other side of the coin, where one partner cares and
|stresses about things that are unimportant and 100% optional, while
|expecting others to have the same level of stress and anxiety over
|minutiae as they do. The Type A partner also needs to be more flexible
|about the state of things, including clutter/dust/etc. in the house
|being different than their ideal. It's often the lack of flexibility
|that leads the Type A partner to believe the other partner is "not
|doing their share". If you're talking about things like cooking,
|schoolwork, laundry, etc. that's one thing, I'm talking about actual
|optional things where life goes on just fine if delayed (or not done
|at all).
|u/sunsetpark12345 - 13 hours
|
|The common thread for me is that some people value their partner's
|opinion and are happy to incorporate it into their own worldview
|without being defensive. This applies to all sorts of life choices
|and ways of being. It's EXTREMELY hard to get out of your own head,
|and if you're humble about it and respect your life partner, then
|their perspective is an invaluable source of wisdom and balance.
|The people who struggle with ego and self reflection are as likely
|to be Type A as Type B. Or maybe the marital conflict is on a
|different spectrum entirely. Regardless, their first reaction to
|their partner's feedback is dismissal.
|u/magus678 - 18 hours
|
|>one partner caring and stressing about things that are unimportant
|and 100% optional Anecdotally, this is the near entirety of these
|sorts of imbalances I've seen in my own and other's lives. The type
|A person presumes that their version of important is holy writ.
|Somewhat also anecdotally, I have found the person that is willing
|to go to the wall over dishes left in the sink also hasn't changed
|their oil in 4 years and is driving around on tires for which tread
|is a hazy memory.
|u/Low_Coconut8134 - 18 hours
|
|If we’re doing anecdotes, in my experience when someone insists
|their partner is type A and “stresses” about “optional things,”
|it’s usually because the other person in the relationship is
|blissfully ignorant of all the things they let the “type A”
|partner take on. Never noticing that dust doesn’t accumulate,
|that they never seem to have to refill the soap dispenser, that
|the leaves are always raked, that they always manage to leave on
|time to make the drive for the holidays, etc. People are rarely
|reliable narrators.
|u/magus678 - 14 hours
|
|>is blissfully ignorant of all the things they let the “type A”
|partner take on. Do people like you just think we led non-
|functional lives before you came in an "saved" us? That the
|laundry never got done, we never made it to Thanksgiving dinner,
|we simply stared at food packaging in complete bafflement?
|Have you ever worked with someone who would talk about how much
|they did and how busy they were to anyone who would listen, but
|then they go on vacation and nobody even notices? It may well
|be that Type A people take on those tasks disproportionately,
|but it is generally because they simply refuse to allow it to be
|done on any timetable but theirs, and its not worth trying to
|talk them out of it. But that is a burden you place on
|yourselves. You aren't doing us a favor, you are indulging your
|mild neurosis and trying to claim it as a virtue.
|u/ImprobableAsterisk - 13 hours
|
|>It may well be that Type A people take on those tasks
|disproportionately, but it is generally because they simply
|refuse to allow it to be done on any timetable but theirs, and
|its not worth trying to talk them out of it. I mean you're
|both dealing with anecdotal experiences, so unless you're
|willing to actually submit something a mite scientific that
|kinda "generally" should go get bent. People are unreliable
|narrators and lived experiences differs, that's literally the
|only sensible take-away from what anyone in this chain said.
|u/OrneryAttorney7508 - 11 hours
|
|Studies are also unreliable narrators.
|u/ImprobableAsterisk - 9 hours
|
|They certainly can be, but in this kinda context they're
|infinitely more useful than people going back and forth
|with their anecdotal experiences.
|u/Goraf - 12 hours
|
|You took that very, very personally and brought a lot of your
|own baggage into it.
|u/magus678 - 11 hours
|
|I am not sure what you are getting at. Did strong words
|obfuscate my meaning in some way? I was fairly clear. Why
|are you implying that me caring about the subject is
|negative?
|u/raznov1 - 12 hours
|
|\>Never noticing that dust doesn’t accumulate, that they never
|seem to have to refill the soap dispenser, that the leaves are
|always raked, the thing is though - none of those really
|matter, if you just don't care. dust can accumulate, then you
|clean it. soap is empty, shrug, refill it. leaves? who cares.
|most people lived on their own at one point or other and got
|through decent enough. yes, "my" getting through means a
|backload of laundry, but so what?
|u/magus678 - 11 hours
|
|>but so what? This is really the crux of it that never
|actually gets answered, because there really isn't one. The
|consequence is that one day you'll go to pump the soap and
|nothing will come out. That's it. You'll fill it or make note
|to buy more on the next trip to the store. That's the grand
|catastrophe that could have been avoided if you'd just lived
|your life with a more elevated neuroticism.
|u/raznov1 - 10 hours
|
|i mean, i get that in the extreme, when your soap pump is
|still empty three years later and cockroaches are crawling
|everywhere, there's an issue. but general everyday
|"laziness"? so what indeed. I'll do it some day. or not. and
|then it can't be so important after all.
|u/vagipalooza - 15 hours
|
|As the type A in my relationship I applaud this comment
|u/sfcnmone - 17 hours
|
|All right. Let’s skip dusting and let’s do cleaning the toilet
|instead. How often do you clean the toilet? How about the
|floor around the toilet? Do you think that’s also optional?
|u/Just_Another_Wookie - 17 hours
|
|All toilets are squat toilets if you try hard enough!
|u/dontfuckhorses - 16 hours
|
|Well, in my life, I know/have known a *lot* of people who
|go literal weeks/months without cleaning. And I end up
|having to do almost all of it myself because at some
|point, someone has to be the one to step up to the plate.
|That’s definitely not optional, which I hope in that sense
|people will agree is willingly unfair. It’s caused me such
|stress (especially as autistic/ADHD person living with
|CPTSD) and I’m not even married.
|u/MachThreeTurbo - 16 hours
|
|>Well, in my life, I know/have known a *lot* of people
|who go literal weeks/months without cleaning. Did they
|die from the uncleanliness? >at some point, someone has
|to be the one to step up to the plate. Not really.
|>That’s definitely not optional, Literally optional
|>which I hope in that sense people will agree is
|willingly unfair. Right, it's unfair to project your
|own neuroses for others to humor on your behalf. >It’s
|caused me such stress (especially as autistic/ADHD
|person living with CPTSD) and I’m not even married.
|You don't even live in these houses and you feel the
|need to clean them, that's on you. You're projecting
|your own issues onto others.
|u/Bug_eyed_bug - 15 hours
|
|You clearly have no friends or family with asthma or dust
|allergies or have sensitive eyes or who are pregnant or have a
|baby etc etc. Just because something doesn't have 'important
|implications' to you, doesn't mean it's universally useless.
|Your empathy needs serious work.
|u/MadroxKran - 18 hours
|
|That sounds like an anxiety disorder.
|u/bigfatfurrytexan - 22 hours
|
|That's number two.
|u/WineAndDogs2020 - 22 hours
|
|I don't seem to have access to the full description, so just had the
|lust OP posted, which didn't refer to chore/childcare sharing. Do
|you have a fuller explanation you can post?
|u/tardisgater - 22 hours
|
|2 is listed as "material gestures" and after talking about gifts
|it also says doing more of the housework when your partner is
|tired or managing investments is also good. "These acts show that
|you are willing to invest resources, time, and effort into making
|your partner feel special." Honestly, this seems to assume
|there's already an equitable split of daily work and it's saying
|to do more when your partner needs it. Because I don't really
|think a partner should do their part of being an adult in their
|home in order to "make their partner feel special". They should
|do it because they're an adult in their home.
|u/Blue_winged_yoshi - 21 hours
|
|Having a fair split is really different to taking on extra load
|when a partner is tired. The classic crap guy partner thing to
|do is not to pull fair weight for years, so the washing up after
|wife has had a hard day and think a superhero costume is
|deserved. Yes that’s a sweet thing to do, but it exists on a
|different plane to regular domestic work split. It’s not an
|act of love or material gesture to have an equal household role,
|it’s the price of admission to a happy home life. It’s really
|important and its omission is stark.
|u/UncoolSlicedBread - 20 hours
|
|I get the difference you’re talking about and I agree. It’s
|one thing to take up some slack when your partner isn’t up to
|it for any reason, but that doesn’t mean there isn’t an unfair
|split. I hesitate to give an example because then people
|start debating the example, but my mind went to something you
|see often with a guy taking care of all yard duties and
|letting his spouse take care of the majority house duties. On
|top of that expecting a lot of the logistics and what not be
|covered by her. Or the constant need for feedback when doing
|the favors to where it’s mentally exhausting for the person
|he’s doing the favor for. “Stay in bed, I’ll do the laundry
|for you.” “Hey babe, where’s the detergent?” “I can’t find the
|detergent, can you just show me?” “Hey babe, do you just fill
|up the whole cap?” “Hey babe, regular wash or delicates?” “I
|think I did it right, what should we have for dinner?”
|u/hepakrese - 20 hours
|
|> hey babe where is .. how do you... can you just... It's
|called weaponized incompetence.
|u/UncoolSlicedBread - 18 hours
|
|Not always, but yes some people do use weaponized
|incompetence. In the case I provided, they may truly not
|know but aren’t willing to figure it out themselves
|because they’re so used to their partner doing it.
|Weaponized incompetence could be doing something similar,
|but it’s more intentional to manipulate. Asking these
|questions because you know your partner will get fed up
|with it and end up doing it. Or not listening to them and
|saying things like, “I can’t do it right so I’m not going
|to do it anymore.”
|u/hepakrese - 16 hours
|
|Asking for instructions once or twice isn't an issue -
|Heck it ensures the chore is performed in a desired
|fashion. After the 3rd or 4th time of having to answer
|the same question about the same type of task, It
|becomes a problem. Needing your wife to provide you
|instructions The third time for how to make noodles when
|you're in your '30s and '40s is unacceptable. Call it
|negligence, societally structured domestic immaturity, a
|forced difference of lifestyle preference, strategic
|ignorance, weaponized incompetence, whatever you want.
|Having to be the parent to your partner because they are
|unwilling to competently learn and then carry out basic
|household duties without oversight is utterly unsexy.
|It's straight up an unwillingness to participate that
|has persisted beyond the honeymoon phase and it hurts
|the relationship.
|u/UncoolSlicedBread - 16 hours
|
|I don’t know how we got to this conversation.
|Weaponized incompetence isn’t what we’re talking about
|above. But I do agree with what you’ve said.
|u/Blue_winged_yoshi - 17 hours
|
|Really it depends, like going zonal in some areas is
|grand, so my partner (both women) just does 99% of the DIY
|and most of the gardening, you don’t wanna see how useless
|I am at putting furniture together and our plants would
|just die, if I’m doing small jobs like touching up
|painting or whatnot, I’ll likely be asking where stuff is.
|Buuuuut when it comes to cooking, meals, food management
|that’s just mine (I was a chef for years I can do it with
|my eyes closed), my partner cooks well but I’ll get my
|partner to cook a night or two a week and just run the
|rest, other areas that are less skills based are split
|evenly, we both more than know how to do laundry, vacuum,
|mop, clean a bathroom etc.. So I suppose the thing with
|asking the where/how/could you questions in the house is
|whether lack of know-how and can-do spans multiple key
|domestic zones leaving partner with tonnes of work that
|only they can do, does it cover beyond simple stuff like
|laundry, is it covering tasks so critical that you cannot
|be home for two weeks alone without serious issue.
|Strategic incompetence is when you are so useless
|domestically that your partner doesn’t have a choice but
|to take over being your mum basically.
|u/hepakrese - 16 hours
|
|> Strategic incompetence is when you are so useless
|domestically that your partner doesn’t have a choice but
|to take over being your mum basically. That's much of
|what I'm referring to with my statement. Asking for
|instructions once or twice isn't an issue -Heck it
|ensures that you perform the chore in a desired fashion.
|After the 3rd or 4th time, having to parent to your
|partner because they are unwilling to competently learn
|and then carry out basic household duties without
|oversight is utterly unsexy. So painfully unsexy it
|hurts the relationship.
|u/The_Singularious - 19 hours
|
|Agree. Also…”What is the right wrench? How does this go
|together? Where is the washer fluid again?”
|u/Upnorth100 - 20 hours
|
|I don't think that is very comman anymore. I can only think of 1 or 2
|couples in my life that don't have some level of shared
|responsibilities. I have never seen one where it is clearly and equal
|sharing, but I see almost all with some sharing and 'specialization of
|work' going on.
|u/Strange_Magics - 19 hours
|
|It’s one of the most common issues I’ve seen in couples. Sure the
|responsibilities are theoretically equal but so often there’s a
|partner that puts off some work or does it poorly enough that the
|other has to step in and get it done.
|u/The_Singularious - 18 hours
|
|Although true, this is also highly perceptual. Meaning if you look
|at surveys, the split of answers between partners is almost a
|mirror in who thinks they are doing heavier lifting around the
|house. There is some agreement on a few chores, but in most
|cases *both* partners think *they* are doing more. Especially true
|when both partners work for third parties (meaning not for the
|household explicitly). My wife and I realized this pretty early
|on and practice expressing gratitude regularly to one another. We
|don’t believe in the “that’s what grown adults are expected to do
|and why should they expect praise for it” attitude. We know that
|we each have off days (or even months - my wife just lost her best
|friend) and we are grateful that we can share household duties,
|even if they aren’t perfectly even all the time.
|u/_Happy_Sisyphus_ - 11 hours
|
|Another flipside of that thinking you do more is how much each
|partner contributes that the other doesn’t see or intimately
|know so can’t fully appreciate eg always having great music
|playing, being super knowledgeable about something that seems
|easy for them but did take investment to learn and would be very
|hard for you, always moving money at the right time, even
|getting their job done. It can be hard to appreciate the volume
|of moments someone contributes to the shared household or in
|improving themselves and bringing more to the table as a person
|when you may not physically see them do it — eg dishes get done,
|laundry gets done and put away, someone learns a new song to
|play. So it’s important to make known that you do those things
|with your partner in mind and to seek out appreciating what your
|partner contributes and expressing gratitude for it.
|u/The_Singularious - 10 hours
|
|For sure. For us (and I assume others), gratefulness and grace
|are pivotal in both investing in our relationship and greatly
|reducing any resentment.
|u/raznov1 - 12 hours
|
|it's not an issue though, it's i'd argue exactly why partnerships
|work - everyone is good at something and bad at something, hates
|something and doesn't mind another. so why aim for a 50/50 split
|instead of a mutually satisfactory split?
|u/philmarcracken - 13 hours
|
|> so many issues seem to stem from lack of effort on one person's side
|regarding things like chores and childcare. Because theres an
|inherent bias there, even if you measured both peoples workloads to be
|exactly 50%, both parties will still feel they do it 'more often'.
|u/PubFiction - 7 hours
|
|The problem is that sharing responsibility is inefficient. In a modern
|time its just falling apart. Dividing responsibility and specializing
|works better but it might not be appreciated
|u/A4Efert - 17 hours
|
|That’s #5 - engaging in shared activities.
|u/WineAndDogs2020 - 17 hours
|
|OP's list specifies outside of everyday responsibilities, so I don't
|think it's meant to cover those.
|u/A4Efert - 17 hours
|
|Well you can think what you want but you’re wrong.
|u/WineAndDogs2020 - 17 hours
|
|Sure thing, buddy.
|u/athaliah - 21 hours
|
|I think that's #5, engaging in shared activities
|u/WineAndDogs2020 - 21 hours
|
|OP's list specifies outside of everyday responsibilities, so I don't
|think it's meant to cover those.
|u/athaliah - 21 hours
|
|Hmm you're right. I agree with someone else's assessment that
|several points appear to be made with the assumption that these
|everyday responsibilities are already being shared.
|u/sentient_energy - 16 hours
|
|This is a maintaining thing, not thriving. Not doing that actively
|jeopardizes the relationship.
|u/FocusPerspective - 15 hours
|
|You mention chores and childcare, but not climbing on the roof,
|crawling under the house to fix the plumbing, snaking toilets, fixing
|the gutters, replacing heavy appliances, investigating secret noises
|in the middle of the night, pulling out flood waters from the
|basement, or anything else of the sort. Why do you think they is?
|Could it be that one class of person in a marriage expected to do a
|lifetime of mandatory yet acknowledged work their entire lives?
|u/WineAndDogs2020 - 11 hours
|
|Why would home maintenance tasks not be considered under the
|umbrella of chores? You seem very triggered by such a simple
|statement that sharing chores makes for a good relationship.
|u/cindad83 - 22 hours
|
|Because women don't want that from Men. When actually forced to
|decide between $400 extra dollars a week versus the guy instead
|washing dishes. They take the money every single time. Plus, women
|want things like household/caretaking tasks done their way. Thats a
|dirty secret too no know talks about. When it comes to domestic duties
|many women treat their men like domestic staff following her orders to
|complete tasks. I've seen women tell men who owned/manage restaurants
|they don't know how to mop a floor. Or, they tell men who were in the
|military they don't know how to clean a toilet... So guys, just let
|them handle it.
|u/barefootsocks - 21 hours
|
|The ladies are probably fighting over you my guy
|u/cindad83 - 21 hours
|
|Well I've been married 12 years and with my wife for 18. So I
|don't care what the ladies think of me, I'm concerned about 1.
|u/UncoolSlicedBread - 20 hours
|
|Well then you have a sample size of 1. And maybe it’s safe to
|say that all of those things are about your situation.
|u/cindad83 - 20 hours
|
|Maybe in the study no one mentioned household chores as one of
|the 6 characteristics... In the study the no one mentioned
|household duties. But they did mention suprise gifts...I
|promise if we surveyed household if we did a gift countl.. is
|it going more towards men or women?
|u/thinkltoez - 21 hours
|
|Why isn’t one of the options a partner who knows who to clean
|properly?
|u/cindad83 - 18 hours
|
|Clean properly or clean the way you want them too? Do you
|understand the difference? If person A believes you should sweep,
|wet mop, dry mop But person B dry mops, sweeps, wet mops The
|floor is clean either way. Oftentimes, one person is dictating
|the process, not the results.
|u/DocumentExternal6240 - 21 hours
|
|Not really. Men often don’t try at all do to a household task right
|because they don’t want to. It is called weaponized incompetence. So
|they do it as badly as they dare to make women fed up with their
|work and take over again. Seen it many times. I make my own money
|and would prefer a man who can genuinely take over 50% of the
|household chores instead of making more money than me. Men often
|don’t even try to make an effort to do good work doing household
|chores.
|u/cindad83 - 21 hours
|
|Explain to me how men keep their homes clean, closed washed,
|bathroom clean when they don't have a woman doing it for them?
|Again, in a study that was done, household chores didn't even make
|the lists for what was needed for lasting marriages. You make you
|own money...and thanks for being a functional adult. But women's
|financial requirements for men isn't men "make their own money".
|Its men make enough money to financially push the relationship.
|For your average woman making $50k and man making $75k. I promise
|we are not living on your $50k lifestyle, so they 75K person can
|wash dishes and fold clothes. Otherwise the financial requirements
|would be lower. Woman can fix this by prioritizing men who are
|willing to share household duties OVER men with income. Remember
|men general ask out and pursue women. And women can choose who
|they give their time too. Women in mass are picking men for their
|financial capabilities, not for their domestic abilities. Men do
|what women respond to.
|u/cindad83 - 21 hours
|
|"When you are home". So do you make 30% more than your wife?
|I do those things too when I'm home (i WFH). The difference is
|I make $300k from all my sources of income while my wife makes
|just under 100k...
|u/Green-Sale - 20 hours
|
|It's about how much leisure time you both have at the end of
|the day to yourself, not how much you make.
|u/postwarapartment - 19 hours
|
|But then what bargaining chip would this guy use to
|manipulate his wife into doing the things he doesn't want
|to do?????
|u/Sunlight72 - 20 hours
|
|Just a note u/cindad83, you are making points that I have found
|to be true as well over the course of my life as a now-52 year
|old guy, and women I have been friends with, am related to, and
|have had relationships with. I didn’t used to believe it’s a
|strong pattern either, but it has been re-illustrated in the
|reality in front of me enough that I just see it for what it is
|now. It’s not terrible, it just is. Thanks for adding to the
|conversation.
|u/ontheroadtv - 20 hours
|
|Step 1: *Want* to be in a thriving marriage, then do all the other
|stuff.
|u/The_Singularious - 18 hours
|
|Yeah. I see this a lot and have been guilty of it myself in past
|relationships. My wife and I have been very intentional about
|reserving focus for US amongst the fray.
|u/superfly355 - 21 hours
|
|Also helps just a tad if both parties take part in this.
|u/RCBroeker - 21 hours
|
|This cannot be overstated. Too often expressed expectations tend to
|fall on one partner while the other blissfully parasitically absorbs
|all the best efforts of the other, never wanting to consider that
|expectations should fall on them as well.
|u/mvea - 23 hours
|
|I’ve linked to the news release in the post above. In this comment, for
|those interested, here’s the link to the peer reviewed journal article:
|https://onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/10.1111/pere.12575 Abstract This
|is a comprehensive study that aimed at identifying the effective tactics
|for investment in couple relationships and included the following three
|phases. (a) A preliminary qualitative project that collected potential
|ways to invest in couple relationships. (b) We identified 46 ways to
|invest in relationships and grouped them into six tactics using EFA, and
|then we validated a relational investment tactics scale. The six tactics
|are (1) emotional gestures, (2) material gestures, (3) personal space,
|(4) physical attractiveness and sex, (5) shared activities, and (6) help
|the partner’s family and friends. (c) Finally, we evaluated the
|frequency of use of each of the 46 ways of relational investment among
|483 respondents. Findings show that respondents who provide emotional
|and material gestures are involved in shared activities with their
|partner and help their partner’s family and friends report higher
|marital satisfaction. We propose several practical implications based on
|these results. From the linked article: 6 Ways to Cultivate a
|Thriving Marriage Want your marriage to be both long and loving? Then
|you’ll have to invest in it. A successful marriage is a journey, not a
|destination. Like any meaningful journey, it requires continuous effort,
|care, and attention. It’s not necessarily grand gestures on
|anniversaries or birthdays that sustain a marriage; it’s the countless
|small, everyday actions that build trust and safeguard intimacy over
|time. In fact, a study published this month in Personal Relationships
|suggests that couples can enhance marital satisfaction by consistently
|investing in their marriage. By building a habit of such investment,
|couples can create a partnership that not only survives but flourishes
|for years to come. Here are six proven ways to invest in your marriage
|and help it thrive long-term, according to the study. 1. Emotional
|Gestures One of the most powerful ways to keep a marriage strong is
|through consistent emotional gestures. Seemingly small acts like saying
|“I love you,” giving genuine compliments, or offering a reassuring touch
|can go a long way in making your partner feel valued and emotionally
|secure. Emotional gestures go beyond just words of affection—they also
|involve being fully present and responsive to your partner’s emotional
|needs. 2. Material Gestures Sometimes, actions speak louder than
|words. Material gestures, such as buying thoughtful gifts, leaving
|loving notes, or planning a surprise date can make your partner feel
|deeply appreciated. 3. Respecting Personal Space While closeness is
|key to a strong marriage, giving each other personal space is equally
|essential. Healthy marriages strike a balance between intimacy and
|independence. Allowing your partner time for self-care, hobbies, and
|individual growth demonstrates self-assuredness and respect for their
|autonomy. 4. Prioritizing Physical Intimacy Maintaining physical
|attraction and a healthy sex life is also an important aspect of
|marriage. This doesn’t mean you need to change yourself or look and act
|a certain way to keep your partner’s interest, but staying mindful of
|physical intimacy and making time to connect helps sustain the romantic
|spark. 5. Engaging in Shared Activities Whether it’s going on a
|weekend trip, cooking together, or starting a new hobby, shared
|experiences help couples create lasting memories and strengthen their
|bond. Such activities offer an opportunity to connect, laugh, and grow
|together. Prioritizing time for each other outside of everyday
|responsibilities can also rekindle passion and foster a deeper
|connection. 6. Helping a Partner’s Friends and Family A successful
|marriage often extends beyond the couple itself. Taking the time to
|invest in your partner’s family and friendships can enhance your
|marriage by creating a sense of shared community.
|u/LMGDiVa - 21 hours
|
|>PDF download and online access >$42.00 Look I know research and
|education costs money but... 42$ for a paper? That's more than I pay
|for a full year of curiosity stream.
|u/hail_has_issues - 20 hours
|
|There are terrible websites like sci.hub and libgen.is that give
|free access to academic articles that no one should use
|u/Adruna - 20 hours
|
|The money doesn't fund research, it all goes to the publisher.
|u/amb123456 - 17 hours
|
|It goes fully to the publisher. I’ve been told that the authors of
|academic papers will send you a free copy if you email them
|directly.
|u/uberfission - 15 hours
|
|And none of that goes to the author of the paper. If you want a free
|copy, really of ANY academic paper, contact the author and they'll
|usually provide it to you for free.
|u/NoMove7162 - 20 hours
|
|Thank you. My first thought was "eww, Psychology Today? Gross." But
|I'll give this a read.
|u/AnybodySeeMyKeys - 22 hours
|
|Weirdly missing from this list is 1a) Having conversations of substance
|with your partner, emphasizing listening as much as talking. 1b) Having
|a sense of humor. My wife claims I make her laugh every day.
|u/vadan - 20 hours
|
|Yea, that’s what I was thinking. Why isn’t meaningful communication
|#1?
|u/peteroh9 - 18 hours
|
|The author is a [man/woman] so [he/she] just assumed you already
|knew that.
|u/alfooboboao - 6 hours
|
|it’s “six ways to **invest** in your marriage and help/cultivate it
|so it thrives long-term,” not “beginner’s guide to being in a
|relationship for dummies 101”
|u/The_Singularious - 18 hours
|
|Agree that this is a cornerstone of my marriage. For 1B, for us, this
|is especially handy in diffusing tension between us and is an
|understood technique (between us) to alert the other that we’re a
|willing listener, but that things are getting a bit tense OR to ask
|humorously whether something is a big deal or a small deal issue.
|u/PhilosophicWax - 23 hours
|
|Aren't these the old "love languages"
|u/ToWriteAMystery - 20 hours
|
|Wasn’t the idea of ‘love languages’ that you only had to do one? This
|is showing that all are important.
|u/gdogg897 - 20 hours
|
|I was thinking the same thing. I always felt like the love languages
|idea led to a suggestion of "learn your partners language and engage
|them that way, even if your language(s) are different" whereas this
|is saying "do them all, even if they're not natural for you"
|u/ToWriteAMystery - 20 hours
|
|Yup! Which to me, is a very important distinction. You can’t get
|away with just doing one or two things for your partner. You need
|to be doing everything. That’s a much taller order.
|u/TyFighter559 - 19 hours
|
|More like, these things are all important but everyone is different
|and holds more personal value in some forms of “intimacy” than
|others. People show and receive love in many ways mostly represented
|by OP but not all are equally important to everyone.
|u/ToWriteAMystery - 19 hours
|
|Weren’t love languages debunked? And this study is saying that all
|are equally important?
|u/TyFighter559 - 19 hours
|
|Speaking only for myself from experience in my relationship, it
|is important to understand that people give and receive
|affection very differently.
|u/ToWriteAMystery - 19 hours
|
|But again, this is saying that all types of affection are
|required.
|u/peteroh9 - 18 hours
|
|That's like hearing people talking about those 10 things that
|Bob from work says everybody likes and asking if he has been
|debunked. A pastor just wrote a book based on the marital
|counseling he had done.
|u/LahDeeDah7 - 11 hours
|
|No, the idea with love languages is that while everyone might have
|their own way of primarily showing and recognizing love, it is
|important to learn how to recognize and show love in all ways in
|order to be a well-rounded person in a world with love. You may
|feel more loved through gifts, but it's important to recognize when
|some that show love through other means like words of affirmation or
|quality time are still trying to show that they love you, so
|learning to accept all forms of love is important. And while you
|may display your love through physical touch, it's important to
|recognize that others feel loved through other methods like acts of
|service or words of affirmation, so learning to show your love
|through all forms is important. But the dumbing down to this-is-
|me-so-this-is-all-i-do is something that happens to all personality
|type adjacent things. What was once meant to show you where you are
|to help you learn where to grow to be more balanced has become a
|rigid categorization that you must not stray from if you identify
|with it. It's sad how that happens.
|u/Nobanob - 21 hours
|
|Yes, absolutely. This feels like changing how it is written a bit so
|that the teacher doesn't think I cheated off of you
|u/gdogg897 - 20 hours
|
|Sure but didn't love languages primarily focus on one or two that each
|person tends to naturally or ideally give* and receive? Whereas this
|is basically saying "you need a healthy balance of several-to-all of
|them for a thriving marriage/relationship.
|u/pistachiopudding - 21 hours
|
|That's what I immediately thought.
|u/nostrademons - 19 hours
|
|Note the correlation with the [5 love
|languages](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Five_Love_Languages), which
|isn't exactly scientific, but oftentimes pop psychology has
|observational roots in phenomena that later show up in studies: 1.
|Emotional gestures = words of affirmation 2. Material gestures = gifts
|3. Respecting personal space = basic table stakes for a relationship 4.
|Prioritizing physical intimacy = physical touch 5. Engaging in shared
|activities = quality time 6. Helping partner's friends and family = acts
|of service
|u/alfooboboao - 6 hours
|
|“just because it’s trite doesn’t mean it’s not true” - *The Social
|Network*
|u/DocumentExternal6240 - 21 hours
|
|4. should also state that physical intimacy is not sex only, cuddling
|and touching without sex are just as (or even more) important…men often
|see physical intimacy = sex, but it is so much more than that. Touching
|each other lovingly in every day’s life bonds partners.
|u/TheFightingMasons - 21 hours
|
|Also though, it probably means sex too. /r/deadbedrooms
|u/taco_chicken - 19 hours
|
|Card carrying member of /r/DeadBedrooms. I'd kill for a hug. I
|wouldn't make it through most days without my beautiful kids.
|u/Green-Sale - 20 hours
|
|that would be the result of other things accumulating to cause it,
|it likely doesn't exist in a vacuum.
|u/DarthJarJarJar - 18 hours
|
|It's tempting to look for systemic problems in the relationship,
|but it can just be chemical, either hormones or meds. Apparently a
|substantial number of women lose the urge to have sex during or
|after menopause, for example, and a lot of people on SSRIs lose
|most or all of their sex drive.
|u/Green-Sale - 18 hours
|
|Menopause, childbirth, the fluctuations in hormones by age,
|drugs, etc, yeah multiple factors can cause it
|u/dontfuckhorses - 16 hours
|
|Birth control too, unfortunately.
|u/TelmatosaurusRrifle - 19 hours
|
|My stb exW be like, "I don't want to do that"
|u/fjaoaoaoao - 19 hours
|
|Adjusting to each other, being flexible, and growing together. These are
|mentioned by relationship academics such as the Gottmans.
|u/clarissaswallowsall - 19 hours
|
|I'll add to 5, engaging in shared activities is great but it does suck
|when one party takes it as a chance to best the other in a hobby. Like
|if the wife likes dnd but hasn't invested much in the hobby besides a
|player book, maybe some figures and the partner gets into it and buys
|all the dnd things, finds people outside of the wife to play with and
|basically used her interest as a springboard to the hobby it kind of
|sucks. My bf has basically made me feel inadequate about any interest
|I've had and spent time trying to cultivate and thus has pushed a
|negative feeling on to my interests.
|u/Apaula - 19 hours
|
|Why isn’t he your ex tho?
|u/clarissaswallowsall - 17 hours
|
|I still love him, it's just something about his personality I don't
|enjoy that much. I still continue to pursue my interests in things
|but try to keep it to myself now.
|u/Relevant_Cabinet_265 - 17 hours
|
|For being more interested in something new he was exposed to than
|she is? Maybe he just likes it more than her.
|u/Apaula - 17 hours
|
|Would you like to feel inadequate and constantly have negative
|feelings about your hobbies, interests, etc? From your partner?
|u/Relevant_Cabinet_265 - 17 hours
|
|I wouldn't feel inadequate if my partner liked my hobbies more
|than me. I'd just be happy they were participating in them with
|me and enjoyed them and yes I've had it happen before it was
|great.
|u/clarissaswallowsall - 17 hours
|
|In my situation it wasn't much participating with me.
|u/Apaula - 17 hours
|
|I agree with you. I could be reading too much into it but it
|doesn’t like a healthy “I’m more interested in this than you.”
|That’s just my thoughts, but if it’s a healthy thing hopefully
|the poster can work on it!
|u/Odballl - 14 hours
|
|It sounds like there's a few things going on here. If he's making
|comments that put you down or sound derisive, that is contempt. You
|have a right to express your feelings and tell him to stop mocking you
|or making unfair comparisons between you both. If however, he's
|expressing his excitement and how good he's getting without targeting
|you specifically, you might be feeling put down without him meaning
|to. You would have to express your feelings in a way that acknowledges
|he's not trying to hurt you on purpose. That way he can hear you
|without feeling like you're being unfair.
|u/Relevant_Cabinet_265 - 17 hours
|
|It sounds like he just liked it more than you once he was exposed to
|it.
|u/clarissaswallowsall - 17 hours
|
|I'm not into dnd that's just an example. I'm just not a competitive
|person. My bf has more money and free time than I do, plus
|connections so he can enjoy the things I was interested in more than
|I was able to. It still hurts to see someone you love take something
|you clued them in on and run with it.
|u/Relevant_Cabinet_265 - 17 hours
|
|Why would that hurt? Be happy they enjoy it and they're enjoying
|themselves not jealous of them.
|u/clarissaswallowsall - 16 hours
|
|Because he used his money and time to leave me behind. It's like
|if you started a puzzle together and your partner finished it,
|glued it together and framed it without you. I'm not jealous as
|much as hurt.
|u/Relevant_Cabinet_265 - 16 hours
|
|If you were working on something together like a project
|that's different. If he's just pursuing the hobbie while your
|busy I don't agree assuming you guys still do it together when
|you are available
|u/clarissaswallowsall - 15 hours
|
|Nope, he separated the interest from me and just did it on
|his own. I was pushed away with it.
|u/Relevant_Cabinet_265 - 11 hours
|
|That seems really strange why would someone not want to
|do something that they both like together? Unless they
|just don't want to be around you and then you have other
|problems then just that. Everyone needs alone time but if
|he's specifically not hanging out with you for just this
|one activity you both enjoy it's weird.
|u/clarissaswallowsall - 9 hours
|
|Ita not even just one activity, it's been several
|activities I enjoyed doing. First it was fishing. We
|would go together and it was great, then he got a really
|nice rod, got into different types of tackle and bought
|a kayak. He would want to fish constantly, like if we
|took the kid to the park he would ask if he could fish
|there, essentially putting a hobby between the US and
|him..he would listen to YouTube vids about fishing while
|at work. He sucked the fun out of it. Then it was
|stocks, I got into stocks as I was turning 30 and never
|had a job that had a 401k or anything so I figured I
|should invest in my future myself. This was pre gme, I
|did a lot of research and was in with the wallstreetbets
|gorilla's. I didn't have much to invest but did okay, I
|let him know about the things I was learning and he
|bought some gme and other stocks..but then he got way
|into it, it was all he would talk about, he was on his
|phone checking stocks and crypto constantly..like our
|daughter had extensive surgery on her teeth and I had to
|get him to stop looking at his phone while driving us
|home. He made a group of stock bro friends and went on a
|trip to Vegas with them. I had to be conservative
|because I have less money and more responsibilities. He
|still makes money trading, while I'm just trying to keep
|my head above water all the time paying for our
|groceries and stuff. I used a little of my stock money
|to buy a used bass guitar, I used to play in a band and
|missed it. My kiddo is in school at this point so I had
|some time to practice and I joined a band that jammed
|together every once in awhile. It was a real boost to my
|confidence to be accepted by some peers and express
|myself. I really loved it and we had hoped to play out
|eventually. My boyfriend and I are friends with this
|older guy who sings in a cover band and he asked my bf
|to play in his band. He did 3 shows and well known
|venues in my area and it was like instant, i had been
|playing for months but he had a few rehearsals and was
|on stage. Before this he didn't pick up his instruments
|too much, we played together a few times but both of out
|instruments are bass tones so I know we couldn't jam.
|Two of my band members moved away and now I don't get to
|play with anyone anymore while my bf has joined 3 bands
|and plays out often. I'm happy he finds joy in things
|but I can't help but feel like he's just rubbing it in
|that he can go further than me in anything. I can put in
|all the effort and practice but he's got more freedom
|and money than me. It sucks when I do so much all the
|time to not even get a chance to just enjoy the little
|things I liked.
|u/dazzlebreak - 6 hours
|
|It seems like he likes picking up new things and min-
|maxing them, but that >He still makes money trading,
|while I'm just trying to keep my head above water all
|the time paying for our groceries and stuff. doesn't
|sound good.
|u/fiddlemonkey - 22 hours
|
|Watch as couples therapists and marriage books only apply these to
|women’s behaviors, just like they have the love language thing.
|u/Budiltwo - 18 hours
|
|Ya same. The first two were really missing from my marriage, what can
|ya do
|u/MyHamburgerLovesMe - 19 hours
|
|But - when only one sided it can make things worse
|u/HelenEk7 - 17 hours
|
|If my husband never gave me a single gift I honestly wouldnt care. Gifts
|is not my love language. However if he stopped giving compliments and
|saying nice things... I feel one thing is missing on the list: Having
|some common goals that you work towards together. But perhaps that is
|included in engaging in shared activities.
|u/Whisktangofox - 19 hours
|
|My sister is a therapist. She tells me the vast majority of marriages
|that end do so because the husband checks out emotionally, and the wife
|checks out physically.
|u/peteroh9 - 18 hours
|
|That's definitely an oversimplification, and the nuance would probably
|come across better if it were worded as "*once* the husband checks out
|emotionally and the wife checks out physically."
|u/Hawkwise83 - 17 hours
|
|I feel like the biggest one is missing. Open, honest, direct,
|communication. That and talking through your feelings with each other.
|u/mommydeer - 17 hours
|
|Psychology today used to be one of my favorite publications. Some of
|their articles are based on weak research, but still good food for
|thought. I think we need to scale back from thriving and go for
|sustainable marriage. It seems like many of my friends and myself would
|love- 1. Spouse doing their share of childcare and housework without
|being asked. 2. Spouse scheduling appointments and taking on a fair
|share of the mental burden. 3. Spouse being present without digital
|distractions (phone, games, etc.) 4. Spouse taking their physical and
|mental health seriously. 5. Spouse expressing gratitude for all the seen
|and invisible work that gets done for the family to function.
|u/storydwellers - 9 hours
|
|5 is a great way to consistently acknowledge the little things
|u/ec0114 - 4 hours
|
|Very good summary of what I would love as well..
|u/Wrong_Gear5700 - 19 hours
|
|It's funny, serving god through your husband isn't on the list. Suck
|it, right-wing christians.
|u/Lunar_Landing_Hoax - 19 hours
|
|I don't understand people in the comments that act like this is too much
|to ask. To me it's a list of basic activities for sharing a life with
|someone. If it's too much for you, you should really consider staying
|single.
|u/peteroh9 - 18 hours
|
|I don't see anyone saying that though?
|u/Lunar_Landing_Hoax - 17 hours
|
|You haven't read all the comments then.
|u/manuscelerdei - 19 hours
|
|tl;dr don't have kids
|u/Traghorn - 18 hours
|
|Was about to show this to my wife, but decided against. “Thriving”
|isn’t what my home does; but it’s solid and will do the job. I’d gladly
|trade having my laundry done for a hand hold once a week, I’m so lonely
|sometimes; but that isn’t her own desire. Nothing’s perfect. :/
|u/Strong-Decision-1216 - 18 hours
|
|Is this really science?
|u/edistthebestcat - 16 hours
|
|Nah, separate bathrooms and king-size blankets on a queen-size bed
|u/Voxcide - 14 hours
|
|Hmm im in trouble. My wife does none of these things.
|u/wandering_nerd65 - 19 hours
|
|Or just don't get married
|u/jsntkko - 20 hours
|
|Does it really take science for us to realize how to treat other people
|decently?
|u/turingscrowd - 18 hours
|
|7. Don't start shagging someone else.
|u/slackermannn - 17 hours
|
|This was basically me and for some extent my ex partner. However, when
|the physical attraction is gone and there are other opportunities, it's
|important to know and accept that sometimes no matter what you do, the
|relationship is lost and in my case forever.
|u/Wyllyum_Cuddles - 19 hours
|
|Number 6 is a BIG one that I think most people don’t even consider, but
|it goes a long way. It also cements you as a part of their
|family/community. Everybody wins.
|u/hmmgross - 18 hours
|
|This is practically the 5 Love Languages.
|u/reel8boy - 17 hours
|
|It’s kinda silly and unfortunate we need to frame these kinds of good-
|sense reminders as “science” for anyone to find them persuasive.
|u/baconus-vobiscum - 17 hours
|
|Yup, all those are things I wish for. Oh well,
|u/Emu1981 - 16 hours
|
|From my experiences, the importance of each of these categories highly
|depends on the people in the relationship. Personally I would rank #1
|and #4 as being the most important of the lot and #6 being not that
|important. #3 is kind of important while #2 and #5 are just floating
|around the important but not that important area.
|u/Feedback-Neat - 13 hours
|
|No wonder having children is so demanding
|u/NoSorryZorro - 12 hours
|
|This. And lot's of cuddling. 25 years of marriage, an indescribable joy.
|u/VikingFrog - 8 hours
|
|Currently watching my wife’s mom all day and night, who has dementia and
|was just checked out of the hospital for a psychotic episode… while I
|also watch our three young kids… while my wife works a 24 hour shift. I
|think I get a check mark for number 6 today!
|u/Nobanob - 21 hours
|
|A marriage is happiest when you *checks notes* speak all four love
|languages fluently, and do them every day.
|u/peteroh9 - 18 hours
|
|Re-check your notes...
|u/casman_007 - 19 hours
|
|Im good at #4. . .there's some work on my end for the other 5
|u/Specialist-Cookie-61 - 15 hours
|
|Due to the lack of objective standards, lack of objective quantifiable
|measurements, lack of reproducibility, overall subjectivity, and
|inability to produce accurately make control groups, how is psychology a
|science? Does this really belong on the subreddit?
|u/Relevant_History_297 - 15 hours
|
|Ah yes, the classical listicle study. High quality stuff.
|u/wittor - 10 hours
|
|>A successful marriage is a journey, not a destination. Like any
|meaningful journey, it requires continuous effort, care, and attention.
|It’s not necessarily grand gestures on anniversaries or birthdays that
|sustain a marriage; it’s the countless small, everyday actions that
|build trust and safeguard intimacy over time. Some times the lack of
|originality is soo overwhelming. One has to put some effort to say
|something so pedestrian about something they want to promote as new and
|insightful. The introductory paragraph on the original paper is way
|better.
|u/AnakinAni - 22 hours
|
|I think the number 1 should be staying together. I’ve been part of a
|marriage where I was alone & was told to prove to have that I understand
|her and can take care of her. I explained that be done only when we stay
|together but she didn’t heed my words.
|u/hikeskiclimbrepeat - 9 hours
|
|Some people didn’t grow up with loving parents. Some didn’t have any
|role models to learn healthy relationships from. And even if you did,
|I feel like we can always learn to be better in our relationships.
|Thinking you know it all is foolish.
|u/AllanfromWales1 - 23 hours
|
|And yet, 38 years in, we're still together despite so little of the
|above.
|u/xtiaaneubaten - 22 hours
|
| Plenty of people stay in terrible relationships...
|u/AllanfromWales1 - 20 hours
|
|Not a terrible relationship, though. Very different personalities
|but we complement one another in a mutually beneficial way which
|goes beyond the somewhat superficial categories identified by this
|research.
|u/Silvernine0S - 12 hours
|
|That one percent does not negate the other 99 percent. Glad it works
|out for you, but it surely does not represent the majority of
|relationships. So these type of information for couples that are
|either struggling or looking to I prove their relationships is greatly
|appreciated.
|u/Riksunraksu - 17 hours
|
|Quick tip for the 4th one: it doesn’t mean sex exclusively
|u/constantstateofmind - 15 hours
|
|This used to be called common sense and courtesy.
|u/kal0kag0thia - 15 hours
|
|I have the hardest time with being present. My mind is a storm of active
|ideas pretty much all the time.
|u/Perks92 - 15 hours
|
|So the basics you should expect from a relationship anyway?
|u/pattydickens - 11 hours
|
|Buying a pinball machine checks all the boxes nicely. FYI
|u/whatiseveneverything - 19 hours
|
|If you need a list to have a good marriage, you probably shouldn't be
|married.
|u/The_Singularious - 18 hours
|
|I think it’s good to have reminders along the way. It’s why my wife
|and I have been in couples counseling fairly regularly since we were
|married. We have a good marriage. Far from perfect, but good.
|Sometimes being reminded of good habits, especially when you do care
|for one another, is a good “reset” to be grateful for your partner.
|Doesn’t mean a relationship is bad, just that you want it to stay
|good.
|u/ErosGrandy - 15 hours
|
|Just read 5 love languages
|u/desmosabie - 14 hours
|
|The 5 languages of love. Great book, pretty much this in an easy to read
|or listen from what has become a couple decades ago. This is old news to
|many of us.
|u/Pristine_Screen_8440 - 16 hours
|
|So basically have lots of money and free time. Good luck with that.
|Marriage is for rich people.
|