WHY SHOULD A WOMAN ABSTAIN FROM SEX OUTSIDE OF MARRIAGE?
by Sue Widemark
A recent issue of "SHAPE MAGAZINE" detailing unhealthy practices
among college students, mentioned the case of a woman who had gotten
AIDS as a 19 year old College Freshman. The magazine reported that she
had done 'nothing wrong' - all she did was have a monogamous sexual
relationship with a young man, later diagnosed with AIDS. She
evidently had used condoms at the beginning of the relationship but
since her greatest fear was becoming pregnant, she switched to the pill
later on.
"Here I am, 19, and I'm going to die. And my boyfriend's
going to die [he did die eight months later]. What did I do
wrong to deserve this?" <1>
According to the article, she's 27 years old now and her white
blood cell count which should be around 1000-1600 is 200. She dreams of
living to her 30th birthday.
I disagree that she'd done 'nothing wrong'. She was ignorant of
the consequences of sex outside of marriage and it's a well known fact
that ignorance can kill us.
I also disagree with the magazine's conclusion that condoms would
have been the answer. According to Molly Kelly, who speaks to thousands
of High School students each year, there is a 10-17 percent failure rate
in condoms. This figure agrees with the findings of the condom
manufacturers themselves, some of which have found that the AIDS virus
is actually small enough to slip through a flaw in the latex in a condom
which has not broken. <2> As Molly puts it
"Can you only get 17 percent of AIDS?" <3>
Molly is not popular among some of the Christians because she
stresses the practicality of remaining celibate outside of marriage
rather than the religious aspects involved. However for an apostate
generation of children, most of whom have parents who have long ago
forsaken religion, it makes sense to teach them the practicality of
abstinence to keep them healthy so they may LATER learn about God who
first warned us of the dangers of sexual promiscuity.
When I was growing up, I was not from a Christian home but had no
intentions of having sex outside of marriage (I did not even allow
touching until after my husband and I got married - he was celibate
before marriage also). I desired celibacy simply because I felt it was
the best choice for me.
To begin with, a little known fact about the physiology of women
(and you will never hear this from Planned Parenthood!) is that unlike
men, women DO NOT have an acute NEED for sex until we have had it for
the first time! So staying celibate is easy for us if we do not awaken
our sexual needs (and this means NO touching, masturbation etc also).
Since a woman has to give so much to allow a man to have sex with
her (he penetrates her very insides), the first thing one might mention
about sex outside of marriage is that a woman totally loses her self
respect and dignity. She becomes for a man who has not made a
commitment to her, simply an object of sexual gratification.
It's interesting that many women who succumb to the desires of
their boyfriends (who are often hormone driven in their youth and
twenties) kid themselves about the seriousness of the relationship. Then
when the fellow drops them, they feel dirty, used and humiliated. Well,
gosh ladies, had there been no sex until you were SURE of a commitment
(the man had married you), there would not be a problem if and when you
broke up with him!
"I was 19 years old and a sophomore in college...For years I had
been tempted to give in to sex but my parents wanted me to
wait...It all happened so quickly, so impersonally, so
tragically. I compromised, I gave in, I lost. My innocence was
gone. No more nice, quiet girl from back home. Now I was
exploited, I was opened up, I was empty. Everything I had
fought so hard to preserve was lost. I felt guilty and cheap.
The worst thing was that because I had already given up, it made
it so much easier to do the next time. So we began a downward
spiral of romantic interludes in our dorm rooms." <4>
Prostitutes and Streetwalkers have written that 80-85 percent of
their business is in performing perverted acts of sex. Why? Because the
average man can get himself a freebie with something as inexpensive as
dinner and a movie. What IS the difference between a call girl and a
woman who has sex on the first or second date? The call girl has more
dignity because at least her clients pay for the privilege!
How does a man react to a woman who says "NO" to sex outside of
marriage? If he drops her, then you know EXACTLY what he was after and
ONLY that! In my opinion, such a man is not at all, interested in a
relationship. There is, however, a chance that he will be delighted in
her not allowing him sex. Not only does that tell him that she did not
become intimate with other men but also, if they DO get married, he will
have a much easier time trusting her implicitly because he knows she
says "NO" to sex outside of marriage.
"At age 16 I began dating a boy; we dated for two years. We
fought constantly about sex. He talked me into 'petting' which
made me feel guilty and unsure of myself. He began to have
control over me...One night he almost talked me into giving up
my virginity. I asked him 'Will you marry me?'. He paused
for several minutes. Then, hesitantly, he said 'Yes.' I knew
at that moment that he didn't mean it. He finally broke up with
me and I never heard from him again." <5>
A frequent complaint I've heard is that "Most men" expect sex
outside of marriage and if you say "NO" to sex, you may ruin a potential
relationship. Remember, you only need ONE man to marry you and besides,
isn't retaining your health, safety and dignity more important than
having dates every night? If you want that, be a prostitute or call
girl and at least get paid for endangering your health!
Some of these issues come out on the talk shows which often feature
feature sexual relationships as the subject. Men actually express that
they do not trust their girlfriends -the fact remains that if the women
were easy for them to seduce, the bottom line is that they might be just
as easily seduced by other men. Over and over, the lack of trust is
causing great havoc among both married and unmarried people and the
answer seems so clear - sexual abstinence outside of marriage. One
wonders why they don't see this since it appears to be so obvious!
Still another result of the sexual promiscuity abundant today is a
woman having a difficult time getting her boyfriend to marry her.
Abstinence would easily solve this one also. The old saw which states
"why should a man pay for what he gets for free" certainly has a lot of
truth. If he loves his woman, he should not expect intimacy until he's
willing to make a firm commitment of marriage. Making such a
commitment is not easy for a man - the woman not allowing sex before
marriage helps him to make that commitment.
"I chose chastity because I witnessed negative repercussions
from premarital sex in the lives of friends, relatives and
co workers. For example 'Sharon', an employee at an insurance
company where I worked, lived with her boyfriend. When I left
the company to accept another job, she was still single. She
couldn't understand why her boyfriend wouldn't marry her ... Her
boyfriend felt content with the way things were and he was in
control. Sharon felt trapped. Later on, I learned, they parted
ways. Living together and having premarital sex had not
benefited Sharon. She was not only left alone but she had given
up valuable years of her life and ended up being hurt"<6>
Those who advocate 'free sex' (which of course, is FAR FROM FREE)
say that 'you should try on the shoe before you buy it'. Let's take
that exact analogy. Do you REALLY find out if the shoe will work for
you by trying it on? I know I've bought countless pairs of shoes which
seemed to fit well at the store but turned out to fit poorly when worn
in every day wear. That's because trying shoes on at the store is not
at all, like wearing the shoes for hours during the day.
In the same vein, sex with no commitment is not anything similar to
a marriage which asks of both parties to stay faithful to each other
'for better or worse until death do you part'. So, people may not even
BE ABLE to 'try on the shoe' by having sex before marriage!
Additionally, once a relationship goes to sex, the friendship
aspects of it become less important. Sex is very seductive and tends to
distract a young couple who should be learning about compatibility
issues. Thus, in our society, it's common to see couples who hate each
other but they are great in bed!
"Once an unmarried couple has intercourse, sex tends to become
the focus of the relationship. Sexual pleasure can mask
problems between the couple and cause them to continue seeing
each other. Unwed Parents Anonymous members become pregnant as
a result of these liaisons and then, with a child on the way,
they have to face the fact that they can't get along.... Their
lives have truly become unmanageable. <7>"
Finally, not even talking about STD which is a grave danger to
those having sex outside of marriage and virtually NO DANGER to those
who restrict themselves to sex IN marriage - we will not talk about that
here since much has already been written on that subject - there is the
problem that sex causes children.
It's interesting to note that there is no really effective method
of birth control. Even the pill (and Natural Family Planning) which
are 96-98 percent effective when used properly, do not GUARANTEE that
pregnancy will not occur. Additionally, there is NO method outside of
Natural Family Planning which is totally safe. Chemical methods of
birth control not only endanger the woman's later life and health (* see
my article on birth control methods, NORPLANT.TXT available for download
on my BBS *) but also often work by aborting a new life rather than
preventing conception in the first place. Physical methods such as
condoms or shields cause irritation and discomfort and thus are often
discarded.
If a woman is in a situation outside of marriage where she CAN NOT
become pregnant, she's in deep doo doo if she has sex! Because if she
does find a new life inside of her, she has the choice of bringing a
child into the world in less than ideal circumstances or worse yet,
murdering the child in the womb. The latter will scar her for life not
withstanding possibly perforate her uterus, render her sterile or even
be life threatening. (Keep in mind that most deaths from abortions are
not reported as such so the statistics on this are very flawed.
Abortion remains a dangerous surgical procedure especially when
performed in a mass production type clinic.)
"Abortion was the wrong choice. I have paid for that decision
with depression every Fall. It seems to last from the month
I learned I was pregnant to the month I allowed my baby to be
sucked from my womb. Of all the wrong decisions I have made in
my life, that is the decision I regret most. Nobody told me that
abortion is NOT something you do and forget about. It stays and
haunts you the rest of your life in ways I am only beginning to
see now at the age of 30. Ten years later!" <8>
"I had an abortion at the age of 17. I know I murdered my
baby." <9>
If a woman has sex AFTER she's married and conceives a child, this
isn't really a terrible problem. She isn't in a situation where she
feels she HAS to say "NO" to life. She can accept this Gift from God
and happily prepare for the new arrival.
So the bottom line is that a woman has EVERYTHING TO LOSE and
NOTHING to gain by allowing a man to penetrate her body before marriage.
She loses her dignity and respect, she puts herself in danger of
conceiving a child before she is ready, and she has a good chance of
contracting some of the nasty diseases abundant today. As Susan Powter,
the exercise guru is fond of saying, "There IS NO fairy godmother".
There is no safe sex. There is no cure for the pain of abortion. There
is no stopping the side effects of the birth control pill.
Saying "NO" to sex outside of marriage is not only what God tells
us in the Bible. It just makes plain good sense.
References:
<1> Urbanska, Wanda: "Design Your Own Life". Shape Magazine, July 1995
(Weider Publications)
<2> See my file, 'CONDAID.TXT' available online for download on Cheese
Whiz BBS, 602-279-0793
<3> Sand, Dee: "Molly Kelly, a Passion for Young People". Celebrate
Life, July-August 1995 (American Life League)
<4> Kirchner, Jacqueline V: "A Struggle for Maturity". Celebrate Life,
July-August 1995 (American Life League)
<5> Tartanian, Lea C: "Why I chose chastity". Celebrate Life,
July-August 1995 (American Life League)
<6> ibid.
<7> Excerpted from the newsletter of Unwed Parents Anonymous, a 12 step
organization which helps unwed parents re-gain control of their lives.
For more information, contact UPA, POB 15466, Phoenix AZ 85060.
<8> Bemboom, Amy: "A Time to Learn - A Teenage Mom Remembers". Celebrate
Life July-August 1995 (American Life League)
<9> Mentioned in casual conversation by a co worker of the author's
acquaintance, twelve years after she had the abortion.