PUT YOUR BRAIN IN CHARGE
By MARY BETH BONACCI
<I appeal especially to young people to rediscover the wealth of
wisdom, the integrity of conscience and the deep interior joy
which flow from respect for human sexuality understood as a
great gift from God and lived according to the truth of the
body's nuptial meaning.> --John Paul II, prayer service at
McNichols Arena
So here we are back on the nuptial meaning of the body, or "What We Learn
about Sex from the Book of Genesis." And you thought it was just about a
garden, a snake and an apple.
Before Eve ate the apple and sin entered the world, people -Adam and
Eve-got along very well. Love was complete and each cared only about what
was best for the other, so each totally trusted the other. Sex was a
bodily expression of that total love. Then, with sin, "people" figured out
that they could use each other instead, and get more for themselves. They
were no longer naturally oriented to being good to each other. They became
tempted to use each other.
Did this just affect Adam and Eve? No. Unfortunately, we all inherited
these little flaws," and they mess up our lives and our relationships to
the extent that we allow sin to dominate our lives.
What exactly happens as a result of this? Well, God spelled it out pretty
clearly for Adam and Eve. Of particular interest is something He said to
Eve. God said, "Your desire shall be for your husband, and he shall lord
it over you." In other words, Eve will want that total unity and trust
that they had before the Fall. But it'll be tougher for her to get,
because Adam's temptation will be to use that desire of Eve's for unity to
get something for himself, like sex or attention.
Now I don't believe that this has to be a gender-specific thing. There are
plenty of guys who want love from a woman, but instead of getting love,
they get used. It works both ways.
There's another way I've noticed this "desire" thing working. Adam and Eve
were made for each other, literally. They were perfectly compatible, which
is easier when you're sinless. But for us, sometimes it's more like, "your
desire shall be for someone your desire shouldn't be for." Have you ever
seen this? I'm sure you have.
When you've got these incredibly intense feelings for someone you know you
shouldn't. Like the girl who wasn't faithful to her last five boyfriends.
Or your ex-boyfriend who treated you rotten. Or the class delinquent. Your
brains say "no," but your heart isn't cooperating.
Among my high school friends, the typical "nice girl" response to these
feelings was generally, "Well, I'm in love with him, so I guess I'll just
change him. I'll make him into a Catholic model citizen who drives a
station wagon."
Does this work? Generally no. Is it the right approach? Definitely no.
Entering a relationship with the intention of changing someone is a form
of using them. You don't want them. You want the remodeled version you're
going to create, so they can fill a vacancy you happen to have. The
results may be good, but the reason isn't. It's not about wanting what's
best for them, it's about wanting something for yourself, and maybe
incidentally helping them. And, for that reason, it doesn't generally
work.
Look at it this way. If they didn't change, what would you do? If the
answer is "dump them," then maybe you shouldn't have gotten involved in
the first place. How would you feel if someone was going out with you just
because they want to remodel you?
So what if your "desire" is doing a number on you? Do you just have to
give in and date (or, God forbid, marry) someone your brain objects too?
No. It's important to remember that those feelings, alone, don't
constitute being in love. They may be a result of your hormones, your
loneliness, your legitimate attraction to that person's good traits, but
they don't equal real, solid, lifetime type love. For that to happen, your
brain has to agree. You not only have to feel, but you have to know, too.
You have to have a standard for what you're looking for in a date-and in a
mate (treats you well, respects you, would be a good .no, a great parent,
etc.) If that standard isn't met, let your brain lead the way. Your
feelings will line up sooner or later.
Before the Fall, Adam and Eve's feelings and knowing always agreed. Ours
don't- Original sin created a rift between our feelings and our brains.
Fill your brain with the best information that you can, and then put it in
charge. Just because you feel like doing something, you don't have to do
it. That goes not only for dating someone you're attracted to, but a whole
host of other things. Telling someone off. Throwing something. Drinking.
Hurting someone. Using someone. Anything.
We could go on and on about the ways original sin affects our lives. This
is just one example, but a good one. The important point is this-we're not
naturally inclined to be good. We're naturally inclined to be bad. And
sometimes we're naturally inclined to do things that are bad for us. In
order to be good, we need help.
First and foremost, we need God's help. Staying close to Him and praying
to Him will give us grace, that fuel we need to overcome those selfish
tendencies that hurt our lives and hurt our relationships. And second, put
that fuel to work. Practice doing good by putting your brain in the
driver's seat. Your feelings may moan and whine for a while, but once they
get used to it, they'll start to cooperate.
Original sin doesn't have to get the best of us, or of our relationships.
Just keep God and your brain in charge. You'll be amazed at how much
better things can be.
Bonacci is a frequent lecturer on chastity. This article appeared in the
July 7, 1994 issue of "The Arlington Herald."
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