LISTEN, SON
A Father's Talks on the Facts of Life and Catholic Ideals of Social
Conduct
IN THREE PARTS
Copyright by Franciscan Herald Press, 1952
1434 West Fifty-First Street
Chicago 9, Ill.
Nihil Obstat: Rev. John J. Clifford, S.J., Censor Dept.
July 29, 1952
Imprimatur: Samuel Cardinal Stritch, Archbishop of Chicago
July 30, 1952
NOTICE
This booklet is not to be placed in any book rack, nor to be sold
indiscriminately to the general public. Parents or other mature persons
desiring copies should apply to their pastor or write to the
publishers.
In deepest humility
this little work is dedicated to
GOD THE HOLY GHOST
with a fervent prayer
that He may enlighten and direct
all who read it.
CONTENTS
PART ONE:
To be read to boys of from 9 to 13 years
PART TWO:
To be read to boys of from 14 to 16 years
PART THREE:
To be read to boys of from 16 to 19 years
FOREWARD
WE LIVE in an age of practical paganism. There are still, it is true,
many Christians who lead a truly Christian life; even many of our
government officials pay external homage to God; and there are numerous
evidences that religion still exerts an influence on individuals and on
society. Yet the general condition of family life, the godlessness of
our public schools, the trends in both private and commercialized
amusements, the dominant tone of the vast majority of best sellers,
magazines and papers and the character of popular songs all paint an
over-all picture of a world that is not much concerned about God or the
affairs of another life.
It is into this world that the children of today are born. It is this
world in which they grow up, with which they daily rub elbows and which
day in and day out, in a thousand different ways, helps to affect their
outlook on life, fix their standards, form their habits, shape their
objectives and plans, and mold their character. It is like the current
of a vast swift stream that sweeps along everything that floats on its
surface.
Is there any way to counteract the influence of these forces of
ungodliness? Any means of holding fast to Catholic principles and
practices despite the seductions of the world? We know that there must
be; for God still demands that we keep His commandments, and it is
impossible to do so without going counter to the ways of the world.
Probably the most important single means to be employed in stemming the
tide of worldliness is for parents to inculcate Christian principles in
their sons and daughters and regulate their home and social life
strictly by these standards. Many a Catholic father no doubt sincerely
desires to form the mind and heart of his sons according to Christian
standards and to convince them that it is for their own good not to
follow the crowd; but he lacks the ability to guide them safely amid
the mass of conflicting views and to defend the Christian principles
that he desires to teach. He knows the truths of the Catechism but what
he needs is a short guidebook applying its truths to everyday life,
especially in the difficult and delicate field of sexual and social
conduct. It was for the benefit of such fathers and their sons that
this series of instructions was written. In twelve heart-to-heart
talks, which the father needs only to read to his son, a simple, clear,
reverent and graduated account is given of the facts that a growing boy
should gradually learn to know.
It is true that a number of books already exist that were written for
the express purpose of informing Catholic boys about the facts of life;
but apparently none has yet met with general satisfaction. Since the
publication of "MOTHER'S LITTLE HELPER" some years ago for the
instruction of girls, numerous requests have reached the publishers for
a similar set of booklets for boys. It would seem, then, that the books
so far written do not adequately meet the demand for a book of this
type. One priest made the following observation on "MOTHER'S LITTLE
HELPER": "All other books of this kind that I have read seemed either
too spiritual or not spiritual enough. These instructions keep
everything on a high plane and still give clear and satisfactory
explanations and reasons."
The present little work, accordingly, is intended to be the aid to
Catholic fathers that "MOTHER'S LITTLE HELPER" has been to literally
hundreds of thousands of Catholic mothers during the past dozen years.
Like its elder companion, it carefully avoids the use of crass
anatomical and biological terms; and by constantly referring to the
fact that man is the work of God and that every detail of his origin
and development has been ordained by God's infinite wisdom, strives to
make the child realize that God alone is the author and master of life
and, therefore, that all the processes of life are as sacred as they
are mysterious a admirable.
Unless a boy acquires the supernatural attitude toward this subject
right in the beginning, there will be danger his having a wrong
attitude towards it all through life. But if the subject is introduced
and unfolded to him by his own parent in a tactful and reverent manner
with constant reference to God and a minimum of physical details, the
first impression he receives will be sacred, deep and lasting; and he
will be prepared to acquire more detailed information from other
Catholic sources whenever his age or circumstances require it.
The generally accepted principles among Catholics in regard to the
imparting of sex information can be summarily stated as follows: 1. It
should be imparted by the parents; 2. It should be graduated to the
child's growing needs; 3. Details should be given to single
individuals, not to a group, and above all, not to a mixed group; 4.
The information should be accompanied with suggestions of motives and
means for the practice of purity. To enable parents to observe the
spirit of these rules, there should b separate books for the
instructions of boys and for the instructions of girls; and sex
information of importance for adolescents of only one sex should be
excluded from books intended for the instruction of the opposite sex.
An earnest effort has been made to make LISTEN, SON, conform to all
these requirements. Not only is the matter specialized for the boy, but
it is graduated both by age groups and by stages in the several age
groups. Every effort should be made, however, that the rights of the
parents in this regard be respected, and especially that the great
advantages of the son's receiving these instructions from his parent be
safeguarded. It is for this reason that these booklets are being
distributed privately and not advertised in papers or periodicals
circulating among the general public.
All who may co-operate in bringing these instructions to the attention
of parents are urgently requested to respect the designs of the
publishers and not place the booklets in pamphlet racks or otherwise
permit them to be sold indiscriminately. It is a strange inconsistency
to tell parents to instruct their children, and then to hand the
children a pamphlet that gives them at one sitting all the information
that their parents are wisely giving them at greater or lesser
intervals. But to put a book on sex in a pamphlet rack is to incite the
young folks to read it; and if an immature reader suffers harm from it,
someone besides the reader will share the responsibility.
The age at which the first instruction may best be read to any
particular boy, as well as how long an interval should elapse before
the reading of each successive instruction, will naturally depend upon
the type of boy and each one's peculiar circumstances. The proverb
"Where ignorance is bliss, 'tis folly to be wise," still has its
justification, especially since experience proves that too early
initiation into the mysteries of life does not make a boy truly wise,
but produces rather that undesirable and preposterous thing--the
sophisticated child. Even in this age in which the atmosphere seems
charged with sex, many perfectly normal, wide-awake and lively boys
find so many things absorbing their interest that they never pay any
attention to sex; and some even pass the middle of their teens without
ever thinking to inquire where babies come from.
Still, as a rule, the first instruction had probably best be given when
a boy reaches his ninth year, even though he may have asked no
questions nor manifested any curiosity about the origin of life. The
remaining instructions can then follow the schedule of years given on
the title page of each booklet, unless some circumstance should make it
advisable to anticipate the suggested schedule. A point to be noted is
that all the instructions are to be read by the father to his son and
not simply given to him to read for himself. Some fathers may prefer to
study the contents and then give the substance in their own words or
recite the instruction from memory. But many will not feel capable of
adopting that method, as the right word that seemed so inevitable in
reading over the instruction often fails to come to mind on repeating
the lesson. Then, too, the very fact that the matter is being read from
an approved Catholic book will lend it additional authority in the eyes
of the boy.
The main reason why the booklet should not be given to the boy to read
is that he should be trained to confide in his father in regard to all
problems of the years of his adolescence, and an occasional
heart-to-heart talk with his boy is one of the best means the father
can use of winning and preserving his confidence. For the same reason,
if there are two or more sons of nearly the same age in the family, the
talks should nevertheless be given to each separately, so that each may
have the father's whole attention and an opportunity to ask questions
without being embarrassed by the presence of others. Though they should
be encouraged to ask questions and mention their doubts, they should
also be given to understand that, if it is deemed advisable to postpone
the answer, they should be content and not seek information elsewhere,
as their father will tell them all that will be useful for them at the
proper time.
One last word of caution may not be superfluous; viz., that the
instructions should be given at a time when the boy is in a quiet mood
and disposed to receive them. He will not be disposed if he is forced
to sit down and listen when he is dying to be somewhere else. The
father should choose a time when both are at leisure, gain his interest
by some paternal remark (which might well be a compliment or a word of
appreciation), and then invite him aside for a little chat. The mother
can co-operate by arranging to have the other children occupied
elsewhere; and both parents should recommend the matter to God in
prayer both before and during, as well as after, the conference.
PART ONE
(To be read to boys of from 9 to 13 years)
INSTRUCTION I
Listen, son.
One of the very first things you learned in Religion class was the
answer to the question: "Who made you?" You were taught that God made
you: that He made heaven and earth, the land and the sea, plants and
animals and all things. Later on you were told how God made the first
man and the first woman. The first man, Adam, God made by making a body
out of earth and breathing into it an immortal soul. And Eve, the first
woman, God made out of a rib which He took from Adam's side while he
was asleep.
You were never told how God made all other men and women; but you know
that they must be made in a different way than Adam and Eve, because
God made Adam at once a full-grown man and Eve a full-grown woman;
while all other men and women come into the world as babies.
Now have you never wondered how God makes babies, and where they come
from? Perhaps you did ask your mother sometime where babies come from;
and she probably told you that they come from God, which is perfectly
true. But things come from God in different ways.
You see, son, when we say that God made all things, or that He is the
Creator of all things, we do not mean that He made everything directly
out of nothing. God made the peaches and the apples, which you like to
eat, and the roses, which you love to see; but you know that they are
not made directly out of nothing, because you have seen them growing on
trees and bushes. At first the peach tree produced buds; the buds grew
into blossoms, and the blossoms into peaches. And even the tree itself
was not made out of nothing; because you know very well that trees,
like plants and flowers, grow up out of seeds. Yet it is entirely
correct to say that God made them, because in the beginning, thousands
of years ago, God created the first trees and plants and flowers, and
made them so that each one would produce seed from which other trees
and plants would develop.
Thus God is the Creator of all things, since He made everything either
directly out of nothing or indirectly by making certain things produce
other things of the same kind. This shows the greatness of God's power.
Men can make flowers, too, that is, artificial ones: and they can make
them so perfect that you can hardly distinguish them from natural ones.
But no man can make a flower that will grow and have seeds and produce
other flowers.
This is all very interesting to you, I am sure; but the most
interesting thing is how God makes man. Every day thousands of new
children come into the world. Do they just drop into their cradles out
of the air like the lovely snowflakes that fall from the sky? Or do
their Guardian Angels bring them down from Heaven and place them in the
arms of their mothers? No. God could create them in that way if He
wanted to, but He doesn't. There are many ways in which God could bring
children into the world, but He chose only one way; and since He is
infinitely wise and holy, the way He chose must surely be the best. But
what is that way?
When God creates a new human being, instead of making its body, as He
did Adam's out of earth, He makes it out of a substance which He
prepares in the body of its mother. In the very same instant that the
tiny body is formed, God makes an immortal soul directly out of nothing
and unites it to the body. This tiny living body is then nourished and
developed inside its mother's body until the time comes for it to be
born.
It was in this way that the Son of God Himself became man, as you can
see from the Gospel that is read on the feast of the Annunciation of
the Blessed Virgin. "The Angel Gabriel," so we read there, "was sent by
God into a city of Galilee called Nazareth to a virgin espoused to a
man whose name was Joseph, of the house of David. And the virgin's name
was Mary. And the Angel being come in, said to her: 'Hail, full of
grace, the Lord is with thee. Blessed art thou among women.... Behold,
thou shalt conceive in thy womb and shalt bring forth a son, and He
shall be called the "Son of the Most High." ...And Mary said: 'Behold
the handmaid of the Lord; be it done to me according to thy word'"
(Luke 1:26-38).
As soon as Mary uttered these words, she conceived by the Holy Ghost,
as we say in the Angelus; that means, by the action of the Holy Ghost
the body and soul of Jesus were made in Mary's womb and united to the
Second Person of the Blessed Trinity. So you see that the sublime
mystery of the Incarnation of the Son of God was accomplished in the
chaste womb of the immaculate Virgin Mary. The womb, you must know, is
that organ inside a woman's body in which a child is conceived, that
is, brought into existence, then nourished just as its mother is
nourished by the food that she eats, and from which it is finally
brought forth or born and then nourished at its mother's breast. And as
Jesus was formed in the womb of His Blessed Mother, so every child that
comes into the world is also formed inside the body of its mother.
So now you know how God creates little children; and you now
understand, too, why a mother loves her child so much, since the
child's body was formed out of her own substance and fed with milk at
her breast. But now listen, son. I never spoke to you about this
before, because the creation of a child is something so wonderful that
boys and girls are usually not told about it until they are old enough
to appreciate the information. Then, too, it is a very mysterious and
sacred subject, which young folks do not know how to talk about in the
right way. But you are now supposed to be old enough and to have sense
enough to keep this information to yourself and not to speak about it
to anyone but your parents or your confessor. From time to time, I
intend to give you other instructions on this subject and on other
subjects; and I want you to feel free to ask me any questions that may
come to your mind. You can be sure that your mother and I want to do
all that we can for you, not only to make you happy and help you grow
up healthy and strong, but also to help you grow up a good boy. So
trust us and don't try to get information from other persons, because
we will tell you all that it will be good for you to know at the proper
time.
INSTRUCTION II
My dear son.
In the instruction I gave you some time ago, I explained to you that
Our Lord was conceived in His Blessed Mother's womb on the day of the
Annunciation. From that day until He was born, Jesus lay hidden away
beneath his Mother's heart. If you recall how happy you were the first
time you received Jesus in Holy Communion, you can imagine how much
greater must have been the joy that Mary felt. For the consecrated Host
that you receive remains in you only a short time; but Jesus remained
in Mary for nine months; so that during all that time Mary knew that,
no matter where she went or what she did, whether working or praying,
walking or sleeping, she had Little Jesus within her.
As the Annunciation is celebrated on March 25, you will now understand
why Christmas or the birth of our Lord is celebrated on December 25--
just nine months later. Nine months usually pass by from the time that
a child is conceived until it is born; and during that time the mother
is said to be "with child" or to be an "expectant" mother. As the
Blessed Virgin knew from the annunciation of the Angel Gabriel the
exact day that Jesus was conceived, she knew also when He was to be
born; and she accordingly took with her the necessary infant clothing
when she had to journey to Bethlehem. Other women are not so fortunate
as to know at once when God has given them a child; but after a few
weeks it is indicated by certain physical signs, and they can then
figure out approximately when the child may be expected to be born.
It is to these facts of nature that the evangelist St. Luke refers when
he says in the Gospel of the first Mass on Christmas Day: "And Joseph
also went up from Galilee...to Bethlehem to be enrolled with Mary, his
espoused wife, who was with child. And it came to pass that when they
were there, her days were accomplished that she should be delivered.
And she brought forth her first-born Son, and wrapped Him up in
swaddling clothes and laid Him in a manger" (Luke 2:6-7).
As Mary carried Jesus under her heart for nine months, so Mary had been
carried in like manner by her mother St. Ann for the same length of
time. You will find, therefore, if you count the months, that there
were exactly nine months also between the Immaculate Conception of the
Blessed Virgin and her Nativity, since the former is celebrated on
December 8, and the latter on September 8. It may be well to remind you
here what is meant by the Immaculate Conception. When other children
are conceived, their souls are stained with original sin; but because
God created Mary's soul in the state of sanctifying grace, we say that
she was conceived without sin, or that her conception was immaculate.
It is to honor this great privilege of Mary's Immaculate Conception
that the Church has attached an indulgence of 300 days to the little
prayer: "O Mary, conceived without sin, pray for us who have recourse
to thee." Learn this prayer by heart and say it often, especially when
you are tempted to do anything wrong. Mary is your heavenly Mother, and
she loves you even more than your mother and I do.
Since you learned about the way that God creates children, the thought
may have come to you: I wonder how it comes that only married women
have children. There are several things that must be explained to you
in answer to that question; but the most important thing is this:
Bringing up children, taking proper care of them, obtaining food,
clothing and shelter for them, and training and instructing them is by
no means an easy task. For this reason, and no doubt for other wise
reasons, God in His infinite wisdom and fatherly care for His Children,
arranged that every child should have also a father, who should love
it, labor to support it and its mother, provide a home for them, and
form with them a family. And that the parents might not separate and
deprive the child of the loving care that it needs. God also ordained
that the parents should be united in marriage and be bound by the mar-
riage contract to live together until death.
Another thing that you may have wondered about is why a doctor is
usually called when a baby is born. You may even have heard people say:
"The doctor brought us a new baby." This does not mean that the doctor
brought the baby into the home, but that he helped the mother bring it
into the world. You see, son, a mother usually suffers great pain and
sometimes has great difficulty in giving birth to a child; and a
new-born baby is a very delicate creature. For these reasons it is
advisable and at times even necessary to have a doctor to assist the
mother and to give her and her infant the best of care. That is why it
is very common nowadays for women to go to a hospital when they expect
the birth of a child. If Adam and Eve had not sinned, giving birth to a
child would have been easy and painless; but in punishment for their
sin, God addressed to Eve the following words: "In sorrow shalt thou
bring forth children." And that is also what Our Lord referred to when
He said to His Apostles: "A woman when she is about to give birth, hath
sorrow because her hour is come; but when she hath brought forth the
child, she remembereth no more the anguish for joy that a man is born
into the world" (John 16:21).
INSTRUCTION III
Listen, son.
After I told you that God creates children within their mother's body,
I said that God wanted only married women to have babies so that the
children would have both a father and a mother to love them and to take
care of them. It does not follow from that, however, that all married
women have children. Some women are married for years without having
any, although they would dearly love to have children. Thus St. Ann,
the wife of St. Joachim, had no child until she was quite old, when she
became the mother of the Blessed Virgin. Just why this is so, no one
fully understands; but usually there is some physical cause, Just as
there is some physical cause why some people remain small and others
grow tall; some get stout and some stay thin.
In some cases, however, married women have no children because they do
not do what is necessary to have a child. You see, since it is a lot of
trouble for parents to take care of their children, God does not give
them a child unless they do what is necessary to have one. So if they
do not do that, they will never have any children.
Another reason why God wants the parents to cooperate with Him in the
creation of new human beings is that He wants the parents to have a
great love for their children; and everybody naturally loves what he
himself helped to make. Thus a boy is much attached to a radio, a toy
or perhaps a drawing or painting he has made himself. And if he worked
long and hard at a picture or something in order to make a gift of it
to his parents, we say that it was a work of love.
Now God in His infinite wisdom wanted every child to be also a work of
love--the result of the love of husband and wife for each other. For
this reason He has made it natural for certain men and women to love
each other more than any other person, or as we say, to fall in love
with each other, and then to get married by promising to live together
and to love each other until death. Since the child is formed of the
mother's own substance, as I have already told you, in a little nest,
as it were, which God prepares beneath every woman's heart, it is only
natural that a mother loves her child as her own self. But God wants
the father also to have a share in bringing the child into existence.
The father can just as truly say: "This is my child" as the mother; for
without the father the child could not have come into being. The only
child who never had a real human father was the Child Jesus. God worked
a special miracle to create His body in the womb of the Blessed Virgin;
and that is why St. Joseph is called only the foster father of Jesus.
But what does the father's part in bringing the child into existence
consist in? It consists in an act of love. You know, I am sure, that a
kiss is an act of love. And because God wants husband and wife to love
each other more than any other person, it is natural and proper for
them to show their love to each other by kissing. But the most intimate
act of love is embracing; and it is by a very intimate embrace of his
wife that a husband makes it possible for her to become a mother.
You see then, son, how wonderfully and beautifully God has arranged
everything for the creation of a child. He wants every child to be the
result of the love that its father and mother have for each other.
Yet, holy and sacred as is this embrace in the married state, it is not
lawful for unmarried persons. Even kisses between young men and young
women are often sinful because they may lead to this embrace; but the
intimate embrace itself that is permitted to a husband and his wife
would always be a mortal sin for unmarried persons. You can easily
understand what a difference marriage makes, if you recall what a
difference the Sacrament of Holy Orders makes. A priest is a human
being just as well as a layman is; yet because the priest has received
Holy Orders, it is a holy and sacred thing for him to touch and handle
the Sacred Host, while for an unordained person the same act would be a
mortal sin and a sacrilege.
Still, since it is possible for an unmarried girl to allow a man to
give her the marital embrace, it is possible also for an unmarried girl
to become a mother. But, as I have said, in that case such an embrace
would be a grievous sin for the boy as well as for the girl. It would
not be a sin, of course, for the girl, if a man would overpower her and
give her that embrace entirely against her will. But such a thing does
not happen so easily, as the girl would know at once that he was doing
something wrong and she could offer resistance. Still, because of the
danger, a boy should beware of being all alone with a girl in a place
where they can not be seen by others; e.g., in a car parked in a dark
place.
Here let me warn you again not to talk about these things with other
boys; and if they begin to do so, talk of something else or go away. As
I told you in the first instruction, this is a sacred subject, and boys
are too lightminded to speak of it with proper reverence. Besides, you
still do not know enough about it, and if you speak of it with them,
you may give them wrong ideas or get wrong ideas from them. All through
life we have to control our curiosity in regard to some things; so
learn to control your curiosity about this matter for the love of God.
Remember what happened to Eve for being over curious and accepting
information from the wrong source. Instead of believing what God told
her, she believed the serpent and ate of the forbidden fruit. A bad boy
can also be like a snake in the grass; so whenever you want any
information on this subject, don't go to boys, but ask your parents,
and they will tell you all that will be useful for you in good time.
INSTRUCTION IV
My dear son.
It is customary in many Catholic schools, for the Sisters to collect
pennies from the pupils for the purchase of Chinese babies. The pupils
are told that in far off China many pagan mothers care so little for
their children that when they have more children than they want, they
will put a new-born babe out on the street to die; but if they are paid
a small sum of money, they will let the Catholic missionaries take the
child and baptize it and bring it up a Christian. The abandoning of
their children by these Chinese mothers no doubt seems very strange to
you, but as they are pagans and live so far away, you probably think
that the destruction of infant lives is something that occurs only
among uncivilized nations.
I wish it were possible to leave you under that impression always. But
you will not be a child always. You will grow up and will have to act
your part on the stage of life. And as life is a serious business, you
must be instructed how to act. You might be told what you have to
expect, so that you will not be taken by surprise and in your confusion
make serious mistakes.
Since, therefore, you are developing rapidly and will soon be passing
from boyhood to youth or young manhood, it is now time for you to be
told that terrible wickedness is found not only in far distant pagan
countries or in nations of long ago, but right here in our own country;
yes, even in your own city, and perhaps even among people who are
looked upon as upright and respectable citizens. You might gasp at the
idea and think it impossible; yet it is only too true that hundreds of
babies are killed in this country every year.
This shows how wicked people can become when they do not listen to the
teachings of religion. If a human life gets in the way of their desire
for ease, comfort or pleasure, and they can do away with it without
being punished by civil authorities. they simply do away with it. In
this instruction, then, I want to speak to you about the sacredness of
human life, so that you will understand better what an awful crime it
is destroy even a single human life. It is true, the willful killing of
a grown-up person or even of a child in cold blood is regarded with
horror by all civilized people. But many people do not consider it a
serious thing to destroy the life of an unborn child; and it was
chiefly of unborn children that I was speaking when I said that many
children are killed in this country every year.
Probably the main reason why many people do not think it a serious
matter to destroy the life of an unborn child, is the fact that the
child is not fully developed and has never been seen, and in
consequence is not missed. Then, too, since in the early months of its
life before birth, a child can often be got rid of very easily merely
by means of certain drugs or medicines, a woman who does not want to
bother with a baby thinks it a very simple thing to take a little
medicine and get rid of it, that is, murder it. I say murder, for no
matter how innocent the taking of medicine may seem to be, to take it
for the purpose of destroying the life of an unborn child is nothing
less than willful murder; just as much as it would be to give deadly
poison to a child already born.
You see, son, from the very first moment that God creates a soul and
unites it to a body in the mother's womb, that tiny creature (smaller
at first that a sparkling dewdrop) is a real human being--a being
endowed with understanding and free will, a being that will exist for
all eternity. And since it is a human being, it has a strict right to
its life, just as truly as the aged man or hopeless invalid who is no
longer able to take care of himself; and, therefore, it has also a
strict right to the nourishment and care it needs in order to live and
grow and be born. And not only the child has a right to its life which
no one can dispute, but, more so still, God has a right to its life
which no one can violate without committing a grievous sin.
When God created man, He gave him power over the lives of irrational
animals; but the power over the lives of men God reserved to Himself.
Consequently, when amid thunder and lightning on Mount Sinai God
solemnly declared, "Thou shalt not kill," He forbade the killing of
every human being, whether old or young, sick or well, born or unborn,
except in a few cases where it is permitted in self-defense, in a just
war, or by lawful authority for the punishment of a serious crime.
You can understand now that, if it is a great wrong for a pagan mother
to expose her newborn babe to the danger of death, it must be a far
greater crime for a Catholic woman to kill her unborn child. For the
pagan mother knows nothing of the necessity of being baptized in order
to get to Heaven; but a Catholic mother knows that by killing the child
in her womb she not only robs it of life, but robs it also of all
chance of ever going to Heaven. God created the soul of that child for
the eternal happiness of Heaven: Jesus died on the cross that He might
wash original sin from its soul with His Precious Blood; and the Holy
Ghost wished to clothe it with the beautiful robe of sanctifying grace.
If in spite of knowing all this, a Catholic mother deliberately
prevents her child from obtaining all those blessings, she just as much
as says: "I don't care if God did create this child for Heaven, or if
Jesus did die for it, or if the Holy Ghost does want to sanctify it. I
don't want to be bothered with it, and so I'll get rid of it." Isn't it
awful? Perhaps you still doubt that a Catholic mother can really be so
heartless; but it is a sad fact that some of them are at times.
It is true, some women, especially non-Catholic ones, who are guilty of
this sin, are not entirely to blame, because they have never been
properly instructed on this matter and, therefore, though their own
conscience should, and does, tell them that it is wrong, it does not
appear to them to be as wrong as it really is. And very often, too,
they are told by other women that it is the proper thing to do if they
are poor or if they already have several children to take care of.
The sin of willfully causing the death of an unborn child is called
abortion. If an unborn child is killed by being accidentally forced out
of the womb before the proper time, that is called a miscarriage and is
no sin, unless the mother was in some way responsible. Another
expression that you may come across some time is "birth control" or
"birth prevention," which is another grievously sinful way of keeping
from having children. The fact that you sometimes find these
expressions in Catholic papers is another reason why it seemed
advisable to give you this information at the present time. You know
now why Catholic editors condemn it and why Catholic priests preach
against it.
But what if a mother were extremely poor or sickly and already had a
large family? Would it still be wrong for her to practice abortion or
birth control? Yes, my son, even then it would be a grievous sin; and
not only for the wife, but also for the husband, if he would co-operate
with her in preventing the birth or the conception of a child. You must
remember that no parents can have a child unless God gives it to them;
and if God wants them to have a child, it is His will that they accept
it and bring it up for Heaven. Very often it is the last child that is
the source of the greatest joy and consolation to its parents. St.
Therese of the Child Jesus was her parents' ninth and last child; St.
Ignatius of Loyola, the thirteenth.
Although you are only a boy, I am sure that this instruction has made a
deep impression upon you. You now realize that there are evils in the
world of which you had never dreamed, and that birth prevention is a
serious sin, no matter how many people practice it and no matter what
they say to defend it. Be careful, however, never to suspect any
married couples of being guilty of this sin. if they have only one or
two or no children. There are so many innocent reasons why married
people may remain childless, that we have no right to judge them guilty
of that sin, unless they themselves admit it.
INSTRUCTION V
Listen, son.
Though you may not have given much attention to the fact, you have
undoubtedly heard or read at some time that is was an extraordinary
privilege for the Blessed Virgin to be at the same time a virgin and a
mother. She is, in fact, the only woman that ever became a mother
without ceasing to be a virgin. If you have thought about the matter at
all, you probably thought that a virgin is the same as an unmarried
woman, and that as soon as a virgin marries she is no longer a virgin.
That is not the case. A virgin does not cease to be a virgin by the
mere fact that she contracts a valid marriage, but by the fact that she
and her husband make use of the marriage right, that is, the right to
the marital embrace conferred by the Sacrament of Matrimony. And as
most married couples make use of that right soon after being married,
married women are no longer classed as virgins but as matrons.
From what I told you in a former instruction, you know that no woman
can conceive a child naturally or become what is called an expectant
mother without the co-operation of the child's father. Hence when Mary
had given birth to Jesus, her relatives and friends took it for granted
that she had become a mother through the co-operation of St. Joseph in
the same natural way as every other mother. Even the Blessed Virgin
herself had no idea how she could become a mother in any other way when
the angel appeared to her and declared that she would conceive in her
womb and bring forth a son. That is why she said to the angel: "How
shall this be done, because I do not know man" (Luke 1:34). By the
words "I do not know man," Mary meant that she did not make use of her
right to the marital embrace, because she had made the vow of perpetual
virginity. The angel then explained to her that she would become the
mother of Jesus in a supernatural manner by a special act of the Holy
Ghost.
And just as Mary did not understand at first how she could remain a
virgin if she became a mother, so neither did St. Joseph When it became
plain to St. Joseph, therefore, from Mary's changed appearance, that
she was with child, and he knew full well that he was not the child's
father, he decided to leave her, although the very thought of parting
from so dear and holy a spouse almost broke his noble heart.
These extraordinary events and how God cleared up the doubts of St.
Joseph are narrated by St. Matthew in the Gospel of the feast of St.
Joseph in the following manner: "Now the generation of Christ was in
this wise. When as His mother Mary was espoused to Joseph, before they
came together, she was found with child of the Holy Ghost. Whereupon
Joseph, her husband, being a just man and not willing publicly to
expose her, was minded to put her away privately. But while he thought
on these things, behold the angel of the Lord appeared to him in his
sleep, saying, 'Joseph, son of David, fear not to take unto thee Mary,
thy wife; for that which is conceived in her is of the Holy Ghost. And
she shall bring forth a son, and thou shalt call His name Jesus; for He
shall save His people from their sins'" (Matt. 1:18-21).
It is clear from this Gospel narrative that for a virgin to conceive
and become a mother is something so extraordinary that an angel of God
had to come to St. Joseph to make him believe it. He knew that if a
wife permits another man who is not her husband to embrace her just as
if he were her husband, she commits the sin that is called adultery.
And as he was sure that Mary was too holy to have committed the
slightest sin, he was at a loss how to explain her motherhood, until
the angel brought him the happy tidings that she had become the Mother
of the Redeemer through the power of the Holy Ghost.
Having mentioned the sin adultery, it will be useful to add here a
little further explanation. You know from your catechism that adultery
is a sin against the sixth commandment, or a sin of impurity; and it
may seem odd to you that what is entirely lawful when done by a husband
with his wife, is a sin of impurity if done by the same husband with a
woman who is not his wife. I have already told you why such a thing is
sinful if done by unmarried persons, namely because the Sacrament of
Matrimony gives certain rights that the unmarried do not have. But even
married people have these rights only in regard to their partners in
marriage and not in regard to other married persons. They even give a
solemn pledge to each other when they marry, not to share those rights
with any other person; hence the husband or wife who violates that
pledge is said to be unfaithful. It is easy to understand the wisdom of
these natural laws; for since it is the duty of the father to provide
for his own child, if his wife would consent to the marital embrace of
some other man, she would not know which man was the father of her
child.
And now, son, I must warn you against making a dangerous mistake. You
might suppose, because adultery is the sin of a married person, that
the sixth commandment is only for the married, and that unmarried
persons cannot sin against the sixth commandment. That would be a grave
mistake. You must know that there are two kinds of chastity; virginal
chastity or the chastity of the unmarried; and conjugal chastity or the
chastity of the married; and a sin against either kind of chastity is
called a sin of impurity. Certain kisses and embraces that are
permitted to husband and wife would be sins of impurity if done by
others. Yet there are certain other actions that are never permitted to
anybody and are always sins of impurity, whether done by a married
person or by a single person, whether alone or with another. And the
sixth commandment forbids not only adultery, but every kind of
impurity.
How I wish you would never need to know anything about this vice! But
if you are to be kept from falling into the treacherous quicksand of
impurity, you must be told where it is, or at least where you may
remain and be sure that you are safe. For this reason, in the following
instructions, I shall give you the explanations and warnings that will
be useful to you both at the present time and in the future for the
preservation of the necessary and beautiful virtue of holy purity. But
as you cannot begin the work of defense too soon, let me here give you
a few general directions what to do and what to avoid in order to
preserve and foster this virtue.
1. Avoid the occasions of sin. The Holy Ghost says that he that loveth
danger will perish in it. In particular, avoid bad companions (such,
for example, as use dirty language), sensational magazines, books and
papers; indecent and suggestive pictures, games, dances and other
amusements, and all but Class A, No. 1 movies.
2. Develop your will power, which you will need to resist temptation,
by avoiding idleness and softness. Keep yourself usefully occupied
either with work or wholesome recreation, especially outdoors; accustom
yourself to hard work, to disagreeable tasks, and to the inclemency of
the weather.
3. Do not be choicy about your food. Acquire the habit of eating of any
kind of wholesome food, but be moderate always, especially in the use
of sweets and spices. As to intoxicants, use them rarely and sparingly;
or better still, abstain from them altogether, at least until you are
21 years old.
4. Use the supernatural means of grace, without which no virtue can
long endure. Say your morning and evening prayers regularly and
devoutly; cultivate a special devotion to the Blessed Virgin and say
three Hail Marys for purity every morning and evening. Go to Holy
Communion every Sunday and at least once a week on a weekday; to
Confession every two weeks; and seek your confessor's instruction and
advice in all doubts and temptations.
PART TWO
(To be read to boys of from 14 to 16 years)
Listen, son.
Now that you have reached the age that usually marks the beginning of
the change from boyhood to mankind, I think it is about time for me to
give you a little talk about this business of growing up. It is a real
business, you must know, as you do not change from a boy into a man all
at once just over night as it were. This growing-up process is spread
out over a number of years so as to give a boy time to adjust himself
properly to his new responsibilities and privileges and to learn to
look at life with the eyes of a serious-minded man and not those of a
thoughtless boy.
What I am most concerned about is that you do not grow up faster
outwardly than you do inwardly: that is, that your body does not
develop more rapidly than your soul--than your mind and your will. As
the boy Jesus grew in wisdom and age and grace with God and man, so you
also should grow and daily become stronger, not merely by increasing
the size and strength of your muscles, but also by increasing your
store of knowledge and, above all, the strength of your will. A boy has
a strong will or great will power when he can easily do things he does
not like to do; for example, study his lessons and do his home work
when he would like to be outdoors playing; or go to bed and get up
promptly at the time his mother wants him to. Boys like to show how
strong they are; how much they can lift, how far they can swim or bat a
ball; but what really makes a boy manly is that strength of will that
enables him to obey his parents readily, control his temper, and at all
times be complete master of himself. When a boy has such a will, a will
that chooses to do what is right even when it is hard, and refuses to
do what is wrong even though most other boys do it, we say that he is a
boy of character. He is not a reed shaken by every wind; that is, he is
not swayed by his feelings or whims or by what other boys say or think,
but only by a sense of duty.
Now is the time for you to begin in earnest to make use of the
knowledge you acquired long ago in school. You learned that man is made
up of body and soul. That means that there are in us two opposing
forces, one material, one spiritual. As St. Paul says, "The flesh
lusteth against the spirit, and the spirit against the flesh" (Gal.
5:17). The soul, being a spirit, values and strives for what is
spiritual. Only the soul, for example, can know that God created us for
Heaven; and hence only the soul tries to get to Heaven by keeping God's
commandments. The body being an animal, with the instincts and cravings
of an animal, naturally craves the things that are pleasant to the
bodily senses. If you blindly give in to these cravings, e.g., to the
appetite for food or the craving for drink, you will eat and drink more
than is good for either body or soul. That is why it is necessary that
all our bodily cravings be kept under the control of the will guided by
the mind or reason; and that is why we call these bodily cravings our
lower self, and our soul with its faculties and desires our higher
self. To indulge in the pleasures of the body to excess or merely for
their own sake, is beneath the dignity of a human being. He may seek
and enjoy them only in so far as they serve the purpose for which God
has given them; namely, as a means of attaining our eternal destiny.
From this you can see how important it is for a boy to have a strong
character, so that he can keep his lower nature under control and not
let his temper or laziness or love of pleasure get control of him. The
time when a boy is in the greatest danger of becoming a slave of his
lower self is the time of youth or adolescence, that is, the years from
around 14 to about 21. One reason why this period of life is so
dangerous is that during these years a new appetite or craving makes
itself felt that was not felt before. The first stirring of this new
appetite marks the beginning of young manhood or what is called the age
of puberty, the age at which a boy comes to the full development of his
bodily functions or activities. This appetite is called the sexual
appetite. In itself it is not bad, but in consequence of original sin
it is very often the chief trouble-maker in the fight a young man must
make during the years of his growing up. In other words, it is the
enemy within the gates that must be kept in chains if a young man
wishes to defend the citadel of purity against the assaults of the
devil and of the world. It was no doubt to this fight that St. Paul
referred when he wrote: "I see another law in my members fighting
against the law of my mind" (Rom. 7:22).
From what you learned in religion class, you know that the virtue of
purity requires one to avoid certain looks and touches on oneself and
on others: which means that purity requires one to show proper
reverence for one's own body as well as for the bodies of others. From
the fact that sinful looks at oneself or others and sinful touches or
exposure of the body are commonly called immodest looks, touches and
exposure, many people think that certain parts of the body must be
immodest. Such a conclusion is just as false as the conclusion that
wine must be something evil because it can be instrumental in causing
the evil of drunkenness. It is not the wine that is evil, but the
immoderate use of it; and so, too, no parts of the body are immodest
but only the abuse of them.
God created the human body to be a temple of the Holy Ghost; and when
our souls are in the state of sanctifying grace, God actually resides
in us as in a consecrated temple. And as our soul is in every part of
our body, every part of our body belongs to this temple; God dwells in
every part of it; every part is sacred and holy and deserving of our
reverence. This is true also of those parts which purity requires you
to keep hidden, and which for that reason are called the private parts.
They are the parts that are different in men and women, and in fact the
parts that determine the sex of a human being, making one either a man
or a woman, a boy or a girl. Even these parts, I say, are perfectly
pure and sacred and deserving of reverence. In Latin they are even
called "the parts to be reverenced."
It will be well to recall here what the Bible says on this subject in
the story of the creation and fall of our First Parents. It says that
God made them male and female, and that they were both naked but were
not ashamed. Why were they not ashamed? Because, besides the
supernatural gifts of the soul, such as sanctifying grace, God gave
them also supernatural gifts of the body, one of which was the
immortality of the body, and another, the gift of integrity or original
innocence, by which their lower nature was made subject to their higher
nature. Without this gift of integrity Adam and Eve would have had a
nature at constant war with itself, the lower nature seeking to satisfy
its appetites, and the higher striving to maintain its mastery over the
lower.
To prevent this struggle between the higher and the lower part of human
nature, God in His infinite goodness gave our First Parents, right from
the start, a human nature improved by the addition of the gift of
integrity. This gift of integrity put the lower animal part of man, so
to speak, definitely in its place by subjecting it completely to the
control of the will and the reason. Without that gift Adam and Eve
would sometimes have felt inclined to overeat and drink, to be angry or
lazy or revengeful and the like; but through that gift their animal
nature was made as obedient and submissive to the will as a trained
animal that promptly obeys every command of its master.
Like sanctifying grace this gift of integrity was given to Adam
conditionally; that is, for only so long as he would keep God's
commandment not to eat of the fruit of the tree of knowledge of good
and evil. As soon, therefore, as Adam disobeyed by eating the forbidden
fruit, both he and Eve lost the gift of integrity; and the immediate
result was that their animal passions, which before had been as peace-
ful as tame animals, now became like wild animals that can be
controlled only by being kept in cages or in chains. The Bible clearly
indicates these consequences by stating that their eyes were opened and
they saw that they were naked. This does not mean that they had been
blind before, but merely that the eyes of their mind were opened; and
feeling in their bodies the rebellion of the flesh against the spirit,
they were deeply humiliated; and sewing together fig leaves, they made
themselves aprons to hide their nakedness. Yes, they were so ashamed
that when they heard the voice of God walking in the garden, they hid
themselves amid the trees.
This Bible account of the fall of our First Parents makes clear why all
people who have the normal use of reason have a sense of shame. Shame
is the natural result of the rebellion of the flesh against the spirit.
And as we have inherited Adam's nature corrupted by sin, we too, are
subject to the rebellion of the flesh. And since the sight of the naked
body makes one aware of the humiliating fact that our soul no longer
has complete control over our animal appetites, there rises a natural
desire to hide one's rebellious flesh and a feeling of shame if it is
exposed to the view of others. Not merely the inclemency of the
weather, therefore, but original sin, or Adam's fall from the state of
innocence, was the chief reason why it became necessary for people to
wear clothing.
The virtue that regulates man's conduct in regard to the feeling of
shame is the virtue of modesty. That is why the conduct of those who
give little heed to this instinct of shame is called immodest; and
those who disregard it entirely are called shameless. On the other
hand, an exaggerated or merely pretended regard for the dictates of
modesty is called prudery. Ordinarily in the presence of others,
modesty requires that the body be kept covered with the exception of
the head and neck, the forearms, and the hands and feet; these parts
being the more dignified parts of the body. The upper arms, the legs
(especially from the knees up), the back and chest and lower areas are
called by Catholic moralists the less seemly parts, which ought not to
be exposed except for a good reason.
If the observance of modesty is necessary in general in the presence of
others, it is above all necessary in all circumstances and situations
in which persons of different sex meet and have dealings with one
another. This brings us back to the sexual appetite, of which I said
before that it is the chief trouble-maker during the time of your
growing up. But as there will be a good deal to say on this subject, I
will come back to it in a later instruction, and only add here a
reminder to be sure to make regular use of the means of preserving
purity that I recommended to you in the last instruction.
INSTRUCTION VII
Listen, son.
If we study the works of God, we see how wisely He has adapted
everything to suit its purpose and to attain its end. Thus, to induce
us to take the proper amount of food, God gave us an appetite; and to
insure the propagation of the human race, He implanted in persons of
one sex a natural attraction towards persons of the opposite sex, so
that they would be led to seek a mate and enter the state of matrimony.
As the purpose of this mutual attraction between men and women is to
lead to marriage, it does not normally make itself felt until boys and
girls are of marriageable age. Before they reach the age of maturity,
boys do not as a rule care for the company of girls. They prefer to
play with boys, and they have a feeling that girls are rather silly and
a sort of nuisance. Later on, however, they begin to have a liking and
even a preference for girls; and they feel a very decided inclination
to find a girl to be their own special friend, or their girl friend, as
they call her.
You need not be surprised, then, son, when you notice that your feeling
towards girls begins to change; that you feel attracted towards them
and enjoy being in their company. That is perfectly normal and to be
expected. Yet, though this sex attraction or sex appeal, as it is also
called, exists in all normal men and women, it is not so strong that it
cannot be resisted or also counterbalanced by other attractions; and
hence we find that many men and women prefer to remain single instead
of getting married. Some, like bachelors and bachelor girls, remain
single because they prefer the greater freedom and lesser
responsibility of the single state, or because they want to devote
themselves with greater zeal to their chosen profession. Some, too, do
not seem to find a partner to suit them. Very many others, however,
such as Priests, Sisters, and religious Brothers, remain single in
order to be able to give themselves entirely to God and to obtain the
higher reward promised by Our Lord to those who embrace the state of
virginity out of love for Him. The priesthood and the religious state
are the two most sublime states to which people can aspire, and all
boys and girls who have the necessary physical, mental and moral
qualifications for one of these states should deliberate seriously
before choosing any other.
But all young folks, even those who have definitely made up their mind
that they will marry some day, should take care to hold their
affections in check and guard their hearts from falling in love too
soon, that is, before they are experienced enough to assume the burden
of rearing and supporting a family and of fulfilling all the other
duties of the married state.
A point of special importance for you to know is that this sex appeal
produces a stronger reaction in boys than girls. God purposely made men
more easily influenced by the attraction of the opposite sex so that
they would be moved by it to seek a partner in marriage. That is the
reason why a man's passions are more easily aroused than a woman's, and
also why the man courts the woman and not the woman the man. On the
other hand, God gave women an inborn desire to be sought and loved by
men, but at the same time a stronger sense of modesty for their own
protection. To men God gave a strong sense of chivalry or knightly
honor to induce them to use their greater physical strength and skill
to protect women from the attacks and improper advances of wicked men,
as well as to enable them to control their own sexual desires.
These facts indicate the natural attitude that all men and women should
take towards each other. Just as the quality of modesty and reserve
towards men is an ornament in a woman, so is a manly and protective
attitude towards women a commendable and desirable trait in a man.
Right from the beginning of your young manhood strive to cultivate this
knightly attitude towards all girls and women with whom you have any
dealings. This does not mean that you should be a lady's man--one that
fawns upon women and flutters about them with dandified attentions.
That would not be manly but ridiculous. It does mean, though, that you
should not act on the belief, which so many act upon in our day, that
girls should be bold, self-assertive and mannish in their conduct,
speech and attire, and that in consequence men should treat them as on
the same footing as themselves and not show them any special deference
and consideration. The thought that you should habitually keep in mind
in your association with girls and women is this: that women belong to
the sex to which the Blessed Virgin belongs; and you should respect and
esteem all women on account of the qualities with which God has endowed
their sex and which find in Mary their most perfect exemplification. In
other words, see in every woman an image of Mary; and as you revere a
picture of Mary even if it be soiled and torn, so honor Mary by your
respectful conduct towards all women; and in all your relations with
them refrain from everything that a good woman would resent.
Never for a moment entertain the thought that the more men and women
resemble each other, the better it will be for society. If God had
wanted men and women to be alike in temperament, disposition and
manners, He would not have made them different. But having decided to
create two mutually complementary sexes, each with its own special
functions in society, He gave to each those natural aptitudes and
characteristics that fit them for the proper performance of their
respective work in life. For either men or women to disregard this
fundamental difference and to repress or stunt the peculiarities of
their own sex by striving to acquire qualities peculiar to the opposite
sex, is to go against nature and to make monstrosities of themselves.
Don't select your friends, whether boys or girls, from people of that
type.
I must now speak to you about several other phenomena of the period of
adolescence which will make their appearance sooner or later. These are
of a physical nature and mark the turning point in the development of a
boy into a man. One of these is the breaking of the voice or its change
from a childish treble to a low masculine pitch. Another is the growth
of hair in the armpits and around the sexual organs. More important
than either of these two phenomena is the development of a new
substance inside the sexual organs. This is a whitish, thickish fluid
very similar to certain creamy hand lotions, and it contains substances
of great importance for a boy's development into a strong and healthy
man.
Since God has constructed our body in such a way that the substances
needed in it are usually produced in greater quantity than necessary, a
portion of this fluid that is not absorbed into the system is
discharged through the sexual member at irregular intervals. This
usually occurs in sleep, being occasioned by an exciting dream; and the
discharge is accompanied by a pleasurable pulsating movement in the
sexual organ. Though this is a natural and normal phenomenon, which
happens to all boys and men from the time of adolescence until old age,
it is unlawful to give in to and enjoy the pleasant feelings that
accompany it. To do so with full knowledge and full consent would be a
grievous sin.
As boys do not all develop at the same rate, you cannot know just when
you will reach this stage of maturity. It may be when you are 14, and
it may not be till you are 16 or even older; and since it occurs in
sleep, it might happen without your being aware of it. When it does
happen for the first time and you wake up and notice it, turn away at
once from the pleasure of it with all your will power as from an
enticing temptation: and to strengthen your will, keep repeating some
short prayer like "My Jesus, mercy" or "Mary, help me; keep me pure!"
If you keep on praying and hold back with your will until the feelings
subside, you will not be guilty of sin, no matter how strong or
pleasant the feeling may be. Hence you do not have to confess it. If
you are in doubt whether you gave some consent or failed to resist
completely, just make an act of contrition and you may go to Communion.
At your next Confession, if you wish, you can confess it as a doubtful
matter.
That it is possible to have those pleasant feelings without taking
willful pleasure in them will be clear to you from the following
examples. Suppose some candy had been poisoned for some reason or
other, and that by mistake you would start to eat it. As soon as you
would hear the warning cry, "Don't eat that candy, it's poisoned!" you
would spit it out and try to get every bit of it out of your mouth. But
the candy would taste sweet just the same, even though you were doing
all in your power to get rid of it. And so, too, it is with those
feelings; they will feel pleasant even though you resist them. In fact,
that is true of every temptation. It is a bait to entice one; and if
there were nothing enticing about it, it would not be a temptation.
When the feelings have died away (they last only a few seconds), you
may ask God's forgiveness if you think you may have failed in any way,
and then turn around and go to sleep. There is no necessity of your
leaving your bed to wash yourself, though you may do so; but always,
when you bathe, be sure to wash those parts and that entire region
thoroughly yet modestly in the same matter-of-fact way that you wash
your face and hands. Your body being a temple of the Holy Ghost, not
only due regard for health and cleanliness, but also proper reverence
for God's temple, requires that you try to keep it sweet and clean.
Whenever the temperature of the room permits, cold water is recommended
for washing the parts mentioned: as, indeed, a cold bath in general has
a hardening and invigorating effect. Keeping the sexual organs clean is
the chief means of preventing itching in those parts. Should you
nevertheless be troubled with itching, you should know that there is
nothing wrong in touching yourself merely to stop an ordinary itching.
Whatever touches are necessary for the sake of health, cleanliness and
the like may be made with hesitation. Beyond that, the more strictly
you observe the rule "Hands-off," the better it will be for you. And,
of course, common decency, not to speak of the danger of giving
scandal, requires one to avoid all such touches in the presence of
others. If there should be a persistent habitual itching at the tip of
the sexual member, just let your father know and he can have you see a
reliable doctor.
Now don't forget that these matters are not to be talked about with any
of your companions. Though it is perfectly proper for you to hear them
explained by those who nave the duty to instruct you and to warn you
against moral dangers, it would be wrong to listen to persons
discussing them who have no business doing so, and who have neither the
necessary knowledge, prudence, nor tact to speak of them in a becoming
manner. So if the talk ever veers in that direction, if you cannot
prevent it, unceremoniously walk away.
INSTRUCTION VIII
In this talk, son, I want to give you some more necessary information
about the virtue of purity. As I told you in a former instruction,
there is nothing immodest about the private parts of the body
themselves, because they are a part of the body that was created to be
a temple of the Holy Ghost. Only the abuse of these parts is immodest
and sinful. But, you might ask, if these parts are not immodest, why
must we cover them? Why all this secrecy about them? Because the
exposure of these parts is likely to excite the sexual appetite, which
may be lawfully gratified only in the holy state of matrimony. It is
these two revealed truths--the sacredness of the body as the temple of
the Holy Ghost, and the concupiscence or lust of the flesh, resulting
from the sin of Adam, which constitute the twofold and ever existing
reason for the necessity of practicing modesty.
Although there is nothing immodest or immoral about the sexual organs,
it would be false to maintain that there is nothing wrong with sex; and
that the idea that sex is, something not quite nice is an insult to the
beauty of God's creation. In comparison with the state of human nature
as God originally created it, there is very decidedly something wrong
with sex; and that something is the concupiscence of the flesh. Because
of the loss of the gift of integrity and the resulting rebelliousness
of man's lower appetites, the sex appetite no longer exists in man as
God created it, but is aroused by the mere sight of the things it
craves. Hence just as our appetite for food is aroused by the sight of
something good to eat and we say it makes our mouth water; so the sex
appetite is aroused by merely seeing or otherwise perceiving the object
of its desire; and the more anyone's form or person is exposed, the
more likely will it arouse the passions of those who view it,
especially if they are of the opposite sex. And though this is true
chiefly of real persons, it is true also of wholly or partially nude
pictures and statues. This explains why it is so important for both men
and women to wear modest bathing suits, above all, when men and women
bathe at the same place. And it explains also why it is dangerous to
allow one's gaze to linger on indecent pictures and statues.
The fact that very many or even most people show little regard for
modesty in our day only proves how pagan they have become in their
views and habits. Not every kind of exposure, of course, is necessarily
sinful; but Catholic boys should understand that the practice of going
about or playing certain games stripped to the waist or in very abbre-
viated trunks is not in conformity with the requirements of Christian
modesty. Surely there is nothing dignified about such scanty attire;
but the temple of the Holy Ghost should be attired in a dignified
manner. Though custom may somewhat lessen the evil effects, there can
be no doubt that the reckless exposure of the body in certain sports
and recreations, on the beach, on stage and screen, and in social
circles, is the occasion of very many sins against holy purity. And
though some people have no evil intentions in following these pagan
fashions, they cannot evade all responsibility for being the occasion
of sin to others. Others, however foster and encourage as much exposure
of the body as possible, because they want to excite their passions and
indulge in unlawful sexual pleasure.
But is there such a thing as lawful sexual pleasure--sexual pleasure
that a person may deliberately enjoy without committing sin? Yes, there
is; but only for persons who are lawfully united in the married state.
I have explained to you that, if married people wish to have a child,
the husband must give the wife the marital embrace. It is in connection
with this embrace, and only then, and only when this embrace is
performed in a way to fulfill God's designs in regard to the married
state, that the pleasant sensations in the sexual organs may be
indulged in without sin. Hence, for an unmarried person to enjoy those
feelings, with full knowledge and full consent of the will, is always a
mortal sin; not because there is anything impure or shameful in the
pleasure itself, but because it is shameful and impure to consent to it
and enjoy it against the will of God when one has absolutely no right
to it.
There is nothing at all strange about this distinction because we make
similar distinctions in regard to the lawfulness of other pleasures.
Thus you may enjoy a chicken dinner on a Thursday, but are forbidden
under mortal sin to do so on a Friday. And though you may take a full
breakfast when you get up in the morning, you may not do so if you wish
to receive Holy Communion that morning. We also make a distinction
between the moderate and the immoderate enjoyment of food and drink. To
eat and drink moderately for the purpose for which God intended us to
eat and drink, is something good. To eat or drink immoderately or to
excess is a sin.
Now just as the pleasures of eating and drinking may be lawfully
enjoyed only when food and drink are taken in such a way as to achieve
the purpose for which God intended them, so also the pleasures of sex
may be lawfully enjoyed only when employed in a way to achieve the pur-
poses for which God intended them; namely, the purpose of the married
state, the chief one of which is to increase the number of people on
earth and the number of saints in Heaven. God's wisdom in attaching
pleasure to certain functions, but allowing them only under certain
conditions, can be easily seen. How many people would eat and drink
enough to preserve their health and strength, if food and drink were
not pleasant to the taste? Now as God made food tasty and gave us a
great variety of it so that we would not grow tired of always having
the same kind, and also gave us an appetite to enable us to enjoy our
food, so He also attached a special pleasure to the act by which
children are brought into existence, so that men and women would be
induced to marry and have children. But if people could lawfully
indulge in that pleasure without getting married, or without assuming
the burden of having children, comparatively few children would be
born, and many of those that would be born to an unmarried girl would
be deprived of the support and care of a loving father.
Few people in our day, at least among Christians, will deny that
gluttony and drunkenness are shameful vices; and they condemn the
practice of those pagans of old who, after stuffing themselves with
costly foods and wines, would cause themselves to vomit so that they
could eat and drink some more. But impurity is even more shameful than
gluttony and drunkenness. The glutton and the drunkard have a perfect
right to at least some of the pleasures of eating and drinking, even of
drinking alcoholic beverages. They sin only because they go to excess.
And married persons have a right to the sexual pleasure that belongs to
the proper exercise of the duties and privileges of their state. But an
unmarried person has no right whatever to enjoy even the slightest
sexual pleasure; and if he indulges in it nevertheless, he usurps an
exclusive right of the married state, just as truly as a layman would
usurp an exclusive right of the priesthood, if he went into a
confessional and heard Confessions, or went to the altar and
distributed Holy Communion.
This being true, sexual pleasure must remain a closed book to you as
long as you are not married; and the only safe and sensible thing for
you to do in the meantime is to put all thought and curiosity about it
as far as possible out of your mind. You know what terrible
consequences followed from Eve's curiosity about the forbidden fruit.
So be careful not to make a similar blunder. So long as you are not
married, sexual pleasure is for you forbidden fruit. You can be quite
sure that, just as the devil came to Eve to seduce her by saying, "No,
you shall not die; your eyes shall be opened and you shall be like
gods," so he will also come to you to excite your curiosity and arouse
the desire for that forbidden fruit. He may even make use of some
wicked persons to entice you to sin. But at the first sign of such a
temptation, take flight at once and escape his trap by saying: "No, No!
That is forbidden fruit! I don't want my eyes opened. Jesus and Mary,
help me that I may not do this wicked thing and sin against my God."
A lot of people come to grief, son, because they refuse to heed
warnings. Boys especially often think it smart to expose themselves to
danger. But it doesn't pay to try to be smart when one's life or soul
is at stake. So take my warning and do not think, because you do not
see any harm in it, that there can be no harm in touching yourself
unnecessarily. You do not act that way in regard to physical dangers.
Even though you may not understand what harm there can be in handling
dynamite or such an innocent looking thing as nitroglycerine, you heed
the warning of others and do not fool with them. Yet, believe me, son,
the harm that you might do to your body by fooling with high explosives
is nothing compared with the moral damage that might result to your
soul from meddling with the private parts of your body. Therefore,
whenever you are engaged in the care of your body, as when bathing,
dressing or undressing, bear in mind that your body is a temple of the
Holy Ghost and treat it with the reverence that a consecrated temple
deserves. Remember, too, that your Guardian Angel sees everything you
do, and ask him to guard you from ever doing anything contrary to holy
purity; for your own efforts will avail you little if you do not
implore the grace of God.
It is possible that you may have done something in the past that you
now suspect or realize to have been contrary to purity. As long as you
did not think it was a mortal sin when you did it, God will not hold
you responsible for a mortal sin and you are not obliged to confess it.
On the other hand, if you should ever have done anything that you
thought was a mortal sin but which from shame you did not confess; or
if you should ever do so in the future, by all means make a clean
breast of it in your next Confession. You needn't be afraid of the
priest or think he won't like you anymore. He takes the place of the
Good Shepherd who rejoices when a lost sheep comes back to the fold;
and he will admire your humility and sincerity and do all that he can
to help you. It is very true that mortal sin is an awful thing and
something to be ashamed of, because it causes the death of the soul.
But for that very reason one should try to get rid of it as soon as
possible by an act of contrition and a good Confession.
PLEASE NOTE:
In the following instructions the parents should nowhere declare or
imply that all unescorted company keeping among teenagers is sin either
in itself or because it is in all cases bound up with the immediate
danger of sexual sin.
What is said here is put as it is to jog the parent awake to the
dangers involved, and make it his aim to win the boy's willing
cooperation toward avoiding all dangers rather than running any risks.
PART THREE
(To be read to boys of from 16 to 19 years)
INSTRUCTION IX
My dear son,
It is quite a long time since I read to you the first one of these
instructions, and during that time you have been constantly developing
both mentally and physically, and I am sure also spiritually. Though
you have now crossed the borderline between boyhood and young manhood,
it is important for you to realize that you are still a comparatively
very young and inexperienced young man. The term young man, you know,
takes in not only all boys past fourteen, but also all unmarried men up
to thirty; and since there is a vast difference between a boy of
sixteen or seventeen and one of twenty-one or twenty-five, it follows
naturally that there should also be a difference between the privileges
accorded to young men of different ages and circumstances. Not only the
time of boyhood but also the whole time of youth is a time of
preparation for mature manhood; and as this preparation extends over a
number of years, it would be folly to give a boy in his early teens the
same freedom that may be granted to a young man of twenty-one or over.
The younger boy is not yet prepared for so much freedom. He is not
aware of, and above all, he does not realize the dangers of such
freedom; and in consequence it is not likely that he will make the
right we of it.
That is why Almighty God has imposed on parents the solemn duty of
guiding and guarding their children most carefully, especially during
the years of adolescence. It would be much easier for parents to let
their children do as they please; just as it would be much easier for a
pastor or confessor to let his parishioners or penitents do as they
please, and not to be continually warning them against dangers and
urging them to practice virtue. But just as a pastor is responsible for
his people, so are parents responsible for their children; and they
will have to render a strict account to God, if through their lack of
watchfulness and their easy-going yielding to their children's desires,
they are the cause that their children suffer harm.
You see, son, there are still many dangers to the welfare of your body
as well as of your soul of which you are unaware. And even if you have
perhaps been told of them, you have at least never experienced them;
and hence you cannot realize how great the dangers are, but must take
the word of your parents and spiritual advisers and avoid those things
which they assure you may prove harmful to you.
I have given you an instruction on the chief one of these dangers;
viz., that which results from the so-called sex appeal or sex
attraction. You will recall that God put this mutual attraction in men
and women so that persons of one sex would be attracted to persons of
the opposite sex and thus be led to contract marriage at the proper
time. God did not give this attraction merely that men and women might
enjoy each other's company. No; He gave it to lead up to marriage; and,
therefore, if a man or a woman has absolutely no intention or
possibility of ever getting married, he or she does wrong to run the
risk of arousing a passionate love for one of the other sex and thus
becoming exposed to the proximate occasion of sin.
And this risk of becoming exposed to grave danger of sin is incurred
not only by those who never intend to or cannot marry (e.g., priests,
Sisters, lay persons hindered by a vow or some nullifying impediment),
but also by those who do not intend to or cannot marry within a
reasonable period of time. And the reason is this: Since sex attraction
is intended to lead to marriage and after marriage to the marital
embrace, if a boy is several years too young to marry and nevertheless
begins to associate with individual girls, he runs great risk of
falling prematurely in love and of then being led by his passionate
attachment to take improper liberties (often called "petting" or
"necking") or even to giving a girl the marital embrace. If he does the
latter with the girl's consent, they both commit the grave sin of
fornication; if he does it by force against her will, he is guilty of a
penitentiary offense called rape.
It should not be hard for any boy who has had a Catholic education to
understand that such actions between unmarried persons are not at all
manifestations of true love, which seeks to promote another's true
welfare. They are rather the result of yielding to the physical urge of
sex appeal, or, to state it bluntly, to the passion of lust. Yet never
imagine that you are too much of a gentleman or too well grounded in
virtue to stoop so low as to do anything of the kind. In consequence of
original sin, the concupiscence of the flesh or the animal in man is so
strong that, if one carelessly exposes oneself to the danger of
arousing it, it can easily brush aside all considerations of honor and
self-respect and the weak promptings of virtue in order to gratify its
eager de sires. That is why all spiritual writers warn us that the only
way to preserve purity is to avoid the danger, and if we come upon it
unawares, to take flight.
So do not deceive yourself by supposing that you are strong enough to
resist any temptation. The Holy Ghost tells us: "He that loveth danger
shall perish in it" (Ecclu. 3:27). And in particular beware of
supposing that you will be in no danger if you are in the company of a
perfectly innocent and virtuous girl. Eve was perfectly innocent and
virtuous, too, before she rashly exposed herself to danger. The very
innocence of a girl may be the occasion of her and your undoing. Sins
of the flesh are far from the thoughts of an innocent and normally good
girl; but she desires to be loved; and in her innocence she does not
realize that the tender tokens of affection she seeks--terms of
endearment, caresses and the like--are likely to stir up quite
different emotions in her more animal male companion. In consequence,
she may permit caresses which, while not arousing herself, may strongly
inflame the boy's passion. And when the vehemence of the boy's desire
leads him to overstep the bounds of decency, the girl's loving nature
is only too likely to give in and surrender the precious treasure of
her purity for the vain satisfaction of being loved.
But even if in some exceptional case there were no danger that a
certain boy would sin with a certain girl, he should nevertheless avoid
early company-keeping in order to be able to concentrate his attention
more successfully on the important duties and tasks of the time of
youth. That is one reason, among more fundamental ones, why the Church
does not approve of the system of co-education. Young people have
enough to do to keep their minds fixed on their books and on acquiring
the knowledge and good habits they will need later on, without having
their attention divided and weakened by interest in the opposite sex.
Just because sex attraction is so strong and, in the time of youth, has
the added charm of novelty, if you yield to interest in girls, and to
certain girls in particular, while you are still in high school, you
can easily become so absorbed in them as to be seriously handicapped in
the performance of your duties. And then if you find a girl, as you
most probably will, who is specially interested in you, your still weak
little head will be so turned that you won't want to listen any more to
your parents and teachers, foolishly thinking that, because a girl is
interested in you, you are sitting on top of the world and don't need
to take advice from anybody.
This may sound absurd and ridiculous to you now, because your judgment
is still unbiased by interest in girls. So in order to keep your head
clear, let your interest still be directed chiefly towards school, home
and church affairs, your sports and boy friends; and until you are old
enough to think of marrying, let your contacts with girls be only
casual and of passing interest.
Even when you will be old enough to seek a partner for marriage,
keeping company will be full of dangers. But if you take proper
precautions and have constant recourse to prayer and the sacraments,
you can confidently count on God's help and protection. That is by no
means the case, however, when boys and girls who are far too young to
marry, rashly expose themselves to these dangers merely in order to
have a good time. And in their case the dangers are the harder to
overcome on account of the weak condition of their undeveloped
characters.
I know quite well that there are Catholic writers who assume that it is
perfectly all right for boys to make a practice of having "dates" and
going around alone with a girl even in their early teens. The only
thing they object to is having a "steady," that is, going regularly
with the same girl. They try to justify their stand by saying that the
world has not stood still, and that boys and girls today are wiser than
their parents were in their youthful days; that nowadays boys are
facing manhood at fifteen, and that, if parents only instruct them
betimes on sex matters, teach them to pray, to receive the sacraments
often. and to remember their dignity as members of the Mystical Body of
Christ, all will be well and there will be nothing to fear.
Certainly the precautions just mentioned are to be employed by all
means; but besides being warned and armed against danger, young folks
must also avoid unnecessary occasions of danger. The practice of
holding hands, kissing, and taking other liberties is so universal
among boys and girls who have dates in these pagan times, that there is
every reason to fear that Catholic boys will follow the same custom if
they have individual dates with girls. I say, therefore, that if you
are too young to go steadily with the same girl, you are too young to
be going with girls at all; that is as the escort of an individual
girl.
Yes, son, the world has not stood still, but human nature has; and the
consequences of original sin are still to be reckoned with. It is
greatly to be feared that those Catholics who rely so much on knowledge
as a means of overcoming temptations are unconsciously influenced by
that naturalism which Pope Pius XI condemned in his encyclical "The
Christian Education of Youth."
INSTRUCTION X
Listen, son.
When I warned you against the danger of too early association with
girls, I realized quite well that the thought would come to you:
"Nearly all the highschool boys I know are going with girls. Are they,
then, all doing wrong?" They may not all have fallen into the sins to
which they are exposing themselves, and charity requires us not to
think evil of them; yet it is nevertheless true, even though they may
not know it, that they are doing wrong to expose themselves to such
dangers; and experience proves only too often that ignorance does not
shield them from the sad consequences of exposing themselves to those
occasions of sin. Impress this truth indelibly on your mind, son, and
think of it whenever you are asked to follow the crowd: The fact that
something is being done by the majority of people does not make it
right. You sometimes hear or read the saying: "A million people cannot
be wrong." A million people can be wrong. At the time of the deluge,
the whole world, except Noe and his family, was wrong; and at the
present time, more than a billion people have wrong ideas and habits in
regard to religion and morality. So if we would want to regulate our
conduct by what the majority of people are doing, there would soon be
few religious or virtuous people left in the world.
Just consider our own country. We used to call this a Christian
country; but if this ever was true, it certainly is not true today.
About half the people of the United States do not belong to any church
at all; many do not even believe that there is a God; and among those
who call themselves Christians there are many who do not believe that
Jesus Christ is God. So since a great many Americans are practically
pagans; since they do not accept the teachings of the Church regarding
purity and the sacredness of the marriage contract; and since they know
nothing about the priceless treasure of sanctifying grace and the
terrible evil of losing it, is it surprising that they do things that
are dangerous to the welfare of their souls, and make nothing of sins
which a Catholic knows to be mortal?
If you knew nothing of the value of sanctifying grace and did not
believe there was a hell, would you hesitate to commit a mortal sin
that would give you a lot of pleasure and not expose you to any
undesirable consequences? Well, there are millions of your fellow
Americans who know nothing of sanctifying grace and do not believe in
hell; and do you think their way of life can be a safe guide for you to
follow? Yet it is just the conduct of such pagans and downright
atheists that has gradually come to constitute the standard of morality
of a vast number of our countrymen.
And when Catholics go to see movies and plays, and read papers, books
and magazines that reflect this low moral standard, they, too, become
contaminated by these false principles of morality. They gradually come
to think that what so many people are doing cannot be so bad; and since
we are all more prone to evil than to good, they are only too apt to
persuade themselves that the Church is too strict, and that certain
practices are not as bad as she says they are. And so it happens that,
although they learned at school that they must avoid dangerous
occasions of sin, many Catholics try to quiet their conscience by
saying that certain indecent shows, improper dances, immodest styles
and dangerous intimacies between boys and girls may be indulged in
because "everybody is doing it."
I know very well that many boys, if told that they are too young to
have girl friends, would say: "Heck! Can't a fellow have any fun at
all?" These old fogies want to take all the joy out of life." But such
a complaint would be both foolish and unjust. Are boys so helpless that
they cannot have any fun without girls? Any real boy would be ashamed
to admit that. Why, even men have perfectly respectable and enjoyable
social gatherings called "stag parties," at which no women are present.
And as to the complaint that parents, priests and others, who object to
boys and girls keeping company at an early age, want to take all the
joy out of life, nothing could be more unjust. The motive and object of
such parents and priests is precisely to safeguard the happiness of
young folks by protecting them from the sad consequences of their own
imprudent desires.
You know that a child often wants to have something--a knife, a pistol
or certain food, which no one who truly loves the child would permit it
to have, because it might do itself harm. Now the same is true also of
boys and girls who are just entering young manhood and young womanhood.
Everybody must admit that the parents of a boy still in his teens have
had more experience and know more about life's dangers than the boy
himself. And since such a boy cannot reasonably question his parents'
love for him nor their motives in placing restrictions on his liberty,
he ought to observe those restrictions gladly, and thank Heaven that he
has parents who do their duty and strive to promote his real welfare
and happiness.
In view of all these facts, my deep fatherly concern for your welfare
and happiness prompts me to give you the following advice in regard to
your relations with girls: Put out of your mind all thought of keeping
company until you are twenty-one years old; that is, till you are old
enough to think seriously of marrying and of looking for a suitable
partner for life. That is the only way that you can succeed in guarding
your heart from being entangled in one of those early love affairs that
are so premature and so displeasing to sensible people that they are
called by the contemptuous name "puppy loves." And this line of
conduct, far from being strange or eccentric, is just as sensible as
for a boy to show no interest in real estate. He is not in the market
for a house or lot, and hence does not bother to acquaint himself with
the different styles, merits and costs of houses. And by that same
token, since he is not in the market for a wife, it is equally natural
for him not to bother with girls but to let them pass by as the idle
wind.
This does not mean that a boy must run away or cross the street in
order not to meet a girl whom he spies at a distance; but it does mean
that he should not be thinking up and seeking ways and means of meeting
them and finding excuses for prolonging such meetings. Neither does it
mean that a boy must never meet girls socially at home gatherings or
parties in company with other boys and girls in the presence of their
parents. What I mean is that there should be no pairing off of one boy
with one girl; and that in going to and from such gatherings a boy not
of age should not have a girl friend as his companion, but should
either go alone, or go with some other boy, or with his sister or
brother or parents. It is easy to understand that there is infinitely
more danger of a boy and girl growing intimate, exchanging endearments,
and of falling in love when they are by themselves than when they are
in a crowd. Hence you should not have any individual dates with girls;
should not take a girl to a movie, dance or party, or for a street car
or automobile ride; and you should on principle and for safety sake so
guard your heart and your affections that you will not become involved
in any love affair before your twenty-first birthday.
Now, to repeat what I have already told you, don't think for a moment
that I don't know that many people, old as well as young, will decry
these counsels of mine as old-fashioned and impractical. But nothing
that they say will make human nature any less old-fashioned than it has
always been, nor remove from early company-keeping the dangers I have
pointed out. When so many voices and pens are upholding the pagan
customs of our day, it is time that at least one clear voice be lifted
to defend thoroughly Catholic standards of social conduct and to
inspire high-minded young people to dare to pursue an ideal.
As to the practical objection that it is unsafe for a girl to go home
alone, I say it is far more unsafe for a girl of immature character to
be taken home by an equally immature boy friend. There is ten times
more danger of a girl's losing her innocence when escorted home by such
a boy than of her being attacked by some hoodlum when she is alone.
Such attacks are usually made on girls who of their own accord accept
the attentions of a strange man, not on girls who go about their
business. If a girl has no girl friend or elderly person to accompany
her home, she should arrange for her folks to meet her when she steps
from the bus or streetcar.
A word yet in regard to these meetings of groups of boys and girls.
First of all, they should not be frequent and, emphatically, they
should not be everyday affairs. Your ordinary companions, whether
single or several, should be boys; and gatherings of mixed groups,
whether formal or informal, should normally not take place even once a
week. The practice of meeting with a group of boys and girls nearly
every day after school, at a drugstore or some other convenient place,
just to talk; or in the evening, to go riding, bowling, skating and the
like, cannot but have lamentable consequences. Average adolescent boys
and girls just cannot be thrown together constantly like that without
becoming prematurely absorbed in the other sex; and lovesickness,
jealously, heartache, distaste for studies, and even more calamitous
things are the result.
As one wise mother said in counseling her son: "It is easy enough to
run around with girls and do as everybody else does. The silliest sissy
can do that. But you have to remain pure. Be polite to all girls, as if
they were your sisters; but do not be affectionate with any until there
is a question of marrying." (Quoted by Raoul Plus, S.J., in "Radiating
Christ.") So if some of your friends call you old-fashioned or even
sneer at you for following this advice, don't let that disturb you. You
can rather afford to smile at and pity their ignorance and delusion;
for you are much better informed and wiser than they; and your course
of conduct will bring you not only greater blessings, but also greater
and more lasting peace and happiness in the end.
INSTRUCTION XI
My dear son,
In the instruction that I gave you on purity, I called your attention
to the reverence you owe your body as a temple of the Holy Ghost.
Ignorance or disregard of this sublime truth is undoubtedly one of the
reasons why so many people think that they may use their body as they
please without regard for it dignity and sacred character. Added to
this, as another cause of the deplorable lack of modesty in so many
people, is ignorance or the denial of original sin and its consequences
for soul and body.
It is true that the soul's white robe of sanctifying grace, which was
lost by the sin of Adam, is restored in Baptism; but the body's robe of
innocence as well as its armor of immortality, which were likewise lost
through original sin, are not restored in this life. In consequence of
this loss, just as it is necessary for man to guard his body with
clothing against the inclemency of the weather, so it is also necessary
for him to cover his body and its members that his gaze may not fall on
objects that stir up his passions, and that he may not become a prey to
his own unruly animal desires.
These two facts--the dignity of the body as the temple of the Holy
Ghost, and the concupiscence or inordinate animal cravings of the body,
demand the observance of certain precautions in regard to the body both
in our own private conduct as well as in our relations with others. As
I have already warned you how to conduct yourself in the care you must
take of your body, I shall now explain how you should act in your
dealings and associations with others, in particular, with those with
whom the danger is greatest and most frequent; namely, with persons of
the opposite sex.
Although, as intelligent beings, we can communicate with one another by
signs, speech and writing, still, as beings that have a body as well as
a soul, we naturally like to show our feelings also by means of bodily
contacts; such as pressure of the hand or a pat on the back. Contacts
of a more familiar character, however, are reserved for relatives and
intimate friends. Thus you don't walk arm in arm with a boy with whom
you have only a speaking acquaintance. Neither do you, except when
going into a huddle in sports, put your arm around such a boy's waist
or neck. These are demonstrations of regard reserved for close friends.
A gentleman does not even offer his hand to a lady to whom he is
introduced; and he takes her hand only if she extends it first. And if
he is a real Christian gentleman, he will not kiss any girl to whom he
is not closely related.
So you see, son, how the practice of respectable people draws a line of
distinction between the physical tokens of esteem that they bestow upon
persons with whom they come into social contact. Some they greet with a
nod; to some they offer their hand; others they may take by the arm;
but only close relatives and intimate friends receive the salute of
their lips. And the reason very plainly is that in all these tokens of
love and regard there are greater or lesser degrees of sacredness,
which would be entirely eliminated if the more intimate endearments
were bestowed indiscriminately upon all.
It stands to reason, then, that a boy or a girl who is ready to kiss
anybody and everybody that he or she feels like kissing, can hardly be
depended upon to make an ideal husband or wife. They show themselves
too flighty, too cheap. If they set so little value on their kisses as
to give them to all kinds of persons, they are apt to indulge in still
other liberties that will rob them of their self-respect and in the end
destroy their virtue. And when young folks have led such a life before
their marriage, there is danger that they will not be content with the
love of one person after they are married, but will be led to be
unfaithful to their marriage vows.
From this you can conclude what is to be thought of those parties where
so-called kissing games are played, and where the sacred character of
the kiss is cheapened and degraded by being imposed as a penalty in a
game of chance. If you ever think of yourself as a future husband, is
the girl you picture as your bride one who has bestowed her kisses on
numerous other boys? Or is she not rather a girl who has held her lips
in reserve for the boy of her dreams--the boy whom she promised to
marry? But if you would like a wife who had saved her kisses for you,
is it not only right and proper that you should hold your lips in
reserve for her?
Believe me, son, the danger in this business of kissing is not to be
brushed aside lightly. The very levity with which so many young people
treat the matter of kissing and caressing is one of the chief causes
that leads them to indulge in downright impure liberties with each
other, and even into the terrible sin of arrogating to themselves while
still single the sacred privileges of the married state. Yes, some
unmarried young people even perform the marital act together; and if
the girl becomes an expectant mother in consequence, in many cases, to
hide her sin, she adds the sin of murder to that impurity by
mercilessly killing the helpless babe in her womb.
These are terrible things, son, sins in fact that cry to Heaven for
vengeance; but they are the natural consequences of that utterly pagan
custom of our day of allowing mere boys and girls to keep company as if
they were of marriageable age; and not only that, but also according
them practically as much privacy in their associations with each other
as if they were actually married. And from living side by side with
people who have these low moral standards, many Catholics who should
know better are also led astray and fall into these same awful sins.
It is hard to explain, but it is a fact that sometimes Catholics are
worse than non-Catholics in this respect; and that some non-Catholic
boys and girls have higher standards than Catholic ones. Just listen to
what the conductor of the woman's department in a non-Catholic daily
paper says on this subject, commenting on a letter from a girl named
Susie: "A boy told Susie that she is the kind of girl that men forget,
and Susie is brokenhearted over the remark. She says she is pretty, a
snappy dresser, that she kisses the boys any time they ask her, and
can't see anything wrong in it in spite of what old fogies say. She can
go to a party and drink hootch, smoke cigarettes, and never forget
herself. She doesn't mind if the men do 'neck,' because she can tell
them where to get off before they go too far. Wonder if Susie herself
has not given a pretty fair picture of the kind of girl that men
forget.
"Let's look at this girl you've presented here, Susie. How would you
sum her up? Isn't cheap the word? Isn't the cheap girl the one men
forget--because there isn't anything about her worth remembering? Men
do not forget the girl who puts enough value on herself to repulse
their too familiar advances. They do not forget the girl who knows you
cannot demand respect by words when your conduct belies your words. In
her they brush up against something clean and fine that leaves an
impression. The girl they don't forget, Susie, is the one who reminds
them of the better stuff they're made of. The cheap girl doesn't.
That's why they forget her."
So there you have a writer, not in a paper intended only for Catholics,
but in a metropolitan daily, offering advice to readers of every class,
with or without religion, and setting down the girl who is free with
her kisses as the cheap girl--the kind that men forget. But if a girl
free with her kisses is a cheap girl, then the boy who takes advantage
of such a girl is equally cheap and a cad. There is no double standard
of morality, one for women and one for men, making actions that would
be reprehensible in a girl, permissible or lightly to be excused in a
boy. No, the same standard holds for both sexes; and precisely because
the man should be the knightly protector of woman, it is wholly un-
worthy of a man, mean and despicable to trifle with the affection and
virtue of various girls and then pretend to be worthy of having a pure
and unspoiled girl for his wife.
But how can you escape the fine of a kiss, if it is imposed on you in a
game at a party? Simply by refusing to pay it. If any game involving
kissing is proposed, let it be known that you will not take part in it.
If you thus show that you have courage enough to dare to be different,
and state that it is a matter of principle with you, the better class
of your companions may side with you and persuade the rest to content
themselves with games more suited to self-respecting young ladies and
gentlemen. And even should you unsuspectingly run into such a kissing
penalty, who can make you carry it out? Are your companions not young
ladies and gentlemen? If so, how can they compel you to kiss a girl?
But if they are not ladies and gentlemen, then you will know that you
are in the wrong crowd; and in order not to embarrass them further,
politely ask for your hat, bid them all a kind good-night and--go home.
I don't think Emily Post would frown on this procedure; but even if she
should, the code of Sinai is more binding than the code of society.
There is yet one more point that I must call to your attention, and
then I will bring this instruction to a close. I spoke before of
kissing leading to downright impure liberties. A boy would be guilty of
such liberties, if he would touch a girl on her breasts, on her limbs
or body close to the private parts and, of course, on the private parts
themselves, whether above or beneath the clothing. All such deliberate
touches are mortal sins; and so, too, are all actions (kisses included)
that are indulged in with sexual pleasure, or which constitute in
themselves a proximate occasion of indulging in such pleasure; because
the enjoyment of that pleasure has been strictly restricted by Almighty
God to the holy state of matrimony.
Not every kiss, of course, between a boy and a girl is always and
necessarily a sin. There may be light and hasty kisses indulged in by
thoughtless young folks that are not sinful. But the step from such
kisses to venially sinful kisses is very swift. And when kisses become
eager, ardent, oft repeated or long drawn out, they are practically
always mortal sins, because they naturally arouse sexual pleasure, if
not in the girl at least in the boy. That a boy in his teens may
sometimes feel like kissing certain girls and keeping company with them
is quite natural and to be expected; just as he often feels like doing
other things that he should not do. We Catholics know very well that it
is not only wrong but obligatory to repress certain animal appetites,
and that the practice of repressing such lower instincts plays a most
important part in the development of a person's character. "So much
progress shalt thou make," says the author of the "Following of
Christ," "as thou dost violence to thyself." So bide your time. Be
content to be a boy a while longer, and do not covet the privileges of
mature age until by years of restraint you have developed a strong will
and steady character.
To conclude, then, son, though you have long known that you must avoid
dangerous occasions of sin, you probably did not know how much danger
lies in actions so commonly looked upon and represented on stage and
screen as harmless tokens of endearment. Hereafter, if anyone tries to
make you believe that kissing, embracing, fondly holding hands and
similar actions between unmarried persons of opposite sex are perfectly
innocent and legitimate pastime, you will know better; and you will no
doubt thank God that you were warned of the danger in time. But as
knowledge alone will not save you when you are tempted by the
enticements of the flesh, continue to strengthen your will by the
devout recital of the three Hail Marys for purity as your morning and
evening prayers, and also by the frequent reception of the Sacraments.
INSTRUCTION XII
My dear son,
In the instruction I gave you on keeping company, I explained that the
purpose of courtship is to find a suitable partner with whom to enter
the holy state of matrimony; and that, in consequence, boys and girls
should not begin to keep company until they are of marriageable age. As
you are now nearing the end of your teens, I want to speak to you again
on this subject in order to strengthen your determination to follow my
advice, and at the same time to counsel you further as to what you
should avoid to pass unspoiled through this critical period of your
life. I am confident that you don't want to make the same mistakes that
thousands of other youths are making, but that you want to be
different, and not only not follow the crowd, but even win others away
from the crowd to the pursuit of Catholic ideals.
For a proper understanding of the matter of company-keeping it is
important first of all to bear in mind that the time of courtship is
not a state of life, but a period of transition; and that love-making
is not to be engaged in for its own sake or for the sake of the
pleasure it affords, but as a preparation for the state of matrimony.
Hence if a boy has decided to become a priest or religious, he should
not begin to keep company at all.
There is no denying the fact that for the average person whose vocation
is the married state, the time of courtship holds some of the sweetest
joys of life. But these very joys themselves point to marriage as their
culmination; for back of the lovers' present enjoyment of each other is
always the thought and the hope that their present all too brief hours
of companionship will one day be crowned by a lifelong inseparable
union in the home of their dreams.
Now if the time of courtship is to be a time of preparation for
marriage, it follows necessarily that when a boy enters that stage of
his life, he should give serious thought to the obligations of the
married state. Many a boy looks upon the day of his coming of age
merely as the day of his complete emancipation from the restrictions of
boyhood and the day of his entrance upon a period of absolute in-
dependence. Such a view is not only wrong but dangerous as well. A boy
who is of age may not simply do as he pleases--go and come as he
pleases, but still owes his parents not only love and reverence, but
also obedience as long as he remains under the parental roof. Prudent
parents will, of course, gradually grant him a considerable amount of
independence in order to accustom him to decide and act for himself:
but they are still responsible for him and should gently but firmly use
their parental authority to shield him from forming dangerous habits
and companionships.
The reason why you should give serious thought to the obligations of
marriage before you become deeply interested in girls is because, if
you do not do so before you fall in love, you will not be likely to do
so afterwards. The mentality of a boy in love usually admits of no
serious reflection on the sterner things of life; and in consequence he
sees no need of preparation for the duties of married life. All the
more reason, then, for you to do some serious thinking now. What would
you think of a young man who would want to be ordained to the
priesthood without having seriously considered the obligations of that
state, and without having striven to fit himself for the proper per-
formance of his duties as a priest? But the candidate for the married
state also faces most serious and difficult obligations--to himself, to
his partner in marriage, to his children, to God and the Church, to his
country, and to society at large; and it would be folly for anyone to
expect to fulfill all these obligations without having prepared himself
for them beforehand.
You are familiar with fairy tales which close the story of happily
wedded lovers with the words, "And they lived happily ever after." If
the meaning is that their wedded life was an unbroken round of
pleasures, then those words do not depict the normal course of marriage
in real life. In actual life marriage means crosses and sacrifices,
anxieties and disappointments, labor and suffering, just the same as
the priesthood and the religious state. And only they who are willing
and unselfish enough to sacrifice their ease and comfort for the
designs of God and the welfare of others, will find true peace and
happiness in matrimony.
What the designs of God are in regard to matrimony are very aptly
expressed by the two terms "matrimony" and "conjugal state." Matrimony,
from the Latin words "matris munium," means "office of mother"; and the
office of mother is none other than the office of bearing and rearing
children. You see, then, how wrong it would be to enter the married
state with the intention of shirking the very purpose and office of
matrimony in order to be able to lead a life of ease and pleasure and
personal independence as before. To do that would be just as wrong as
for a man to enter the priesthood and assume the office of pastor, and
then shirk the duties of his office by refusing to preach, to say Mass
to hear Confessions and to visit the sick.
The word "conjugal" comes from the Latin word "conjugium," which means
a joining together by a yoke. A yoke, you know, is not a decoration
like a bridal wreath, but something binding two together for a common
work. The conjugal state, therefore, is the state of a man and a woman
who have assumed together the yoke or obligation of laboring together
to achieve the purpose of the married state; namely, the rearing of a
family.
It is evident, then, that marriage is not a sinecure but a serious
vocation. But that is also the beautiful thing about matrimony, just
the same as about the priesthood, that its reward, as far as it is
realized here below, comes precisely from the unselfish performance of
its obligations. What do you think is the greatest earthly happiness
that comes to the young man who enters the married state? What is the
greatest thrill of his life? Is it that moment, so sung in story, when
the girl of his dreams promises to become his wife and he impresses the
first sacred kiss on her chaste maiden lips? No, my son. Is it perhaps
that long desired moment when, with wedding bells aringing and amid the
organ's trembling tones, he accepts her solemn pledge of fidelity "till
death do us part"? Again I say, No, my son. Neither is it the pleasure
attending the marital embrace, by which marriage is consummated and the
marriage bond made indissoluble. For although in that embrace husband
and wife become so completely one that, as the Bible says, they become
"two in one flesh," still it is not in the act itself but in the result
that God intended to produce through it that a Christian husband finds
his greatest joy.
Yes, my son, the supreme thrill that comes to the happily wedded couple
is that which fills their souls when they hold their first-born in
their arms, and see in it not only the joint product of their love, but
also the union of their own very substance into a new human being, in
which each can trace the beloved features of the other and which will
endure forever as a living monument of their love.
Add to this the parents' further happy thought that by the assiduous
performance of their parental duties, by their prayers, their
instructions, their wise counsels, training and good example, they can
mould this child into a beautiful character that will be a joy to men
and angels and give glory to God for all eternity, you will understand
clearly how true it is that the most worthwhile and lasting joys of
wedded life come from the unselfish fulfillment of the sacred office of
parenthood. And in the case of those parents who look upon parenthood
as a vocation, this is true not only of the first child, but also of
each succeeding one; so much so that one sometimes hears a mother say
that her husband carries on about the new baby as if they had never had
a baby before.
In contemplating marriage, then, you should be contemplating the
vocation of parenthood--a privileged and sublime vocation it is true,
but a serious and difficult one as well. Only if you view marriage in
this light, will you be likely to escape those pitfalls which so often
prove disastrous to young people when they keep company. For, viewing
marriage as a serious matter, you will also regard courtship, which
leads to marriage, as a serious matter; and in weighing the
qualifications of the young women you meet, you will judge of their
comparative fitness to be your wife, not by their personal charm or
their ability to help you have a good time, but by their ability to
bear the yoke of wedded life and fulfill the duties of mother toward
your children.
Fortified with this serious outlook on courtship, you will not allow it
to degenerate into a dangerous or even sinful though pleasurable
pastime. And realizing that the physical endearments, kissing and
embracing, which so many indulge in recklessly during this period, may
easily become sinful in themselves or proximate occasions of mortal
sin, you will on principle not permit them to yourself until you are
engaged, and even then only sparingly and with great caution. If you
are choice, as you should be, in selecting your girl companions, you
may presume that they are in the state of grace and, therefore, temples
of the Holy Ghost; and this thought should fill you with a sincere and
deep reverence for their person. Indeed, if you take this supernatural
attitude towards your girl friend, you will be willing, like the
knights of old, to defend her honor at the cost of your life; and you
will recoil as from a dastardly deed from the very thought of touching
her improperly. Without doubt it was with such a feeling of deep
reverence that a certain American soldier in France approached his
fiancee to kiss her for the first time, which he did with the permis-
sion and in the presence of her parents; for, describing the event to
his Chaplain later on, he said: "I felt as if I was going to Holy
Communion."
And listen to what a non-Catholic writer says about the object of his
youthful love: "What noble deeds were we not ripe for in the days when
we loved! What noble lives could we not have lived for her sake! Our
love was a religion we could have died for.... And, oh, how beautiful
she was, how wondrous beautiful! It was as some angel entering the
room, and all else became plain and earthly. She was too sacred to be
touched. It seemed almost presumptuous to gaze at her. You would as
soon have thought of kissing her as of singing comic songs in a
cathedral." And then he sighs: "Ah, those foolish days, those foolish
days when we were unselfish and pure-minded; those foolish days when
our simple hearts were full of truth, and faith, and reverence! Ah,
those foolish days of noble longings and of noble strivings!" (Jerome
K. Jerome in "Idle Thoughts of An Idle Fellow.")
The simplest and surest way of eliminating the dangers of
company-keeping is to follow the old-time custom of visiting your girl
friends in their homes with other members of the family present, and of
not taking a girl out except accompanied by some other girl companion.
That is also the surest way of getting an opportunity to study your
girl friend and get a true picture of her disposition and character.
When she is alone with you, she naturally tries to show herself at her
best; there she is sweet and gentle and obliging. But note how she acts
toward her parents, brothers and sisters in the home. If there her
demeanor changes; if there she frowns and frets and "shows her claws"
when she is crossed, you will have a better idea of what her conduct is
likely to be toward her husband after she is married.
No matter how widely the practice has spread in this pagan age of
permitting unmarried young couples, whether engaged or not, to go
driving alone together, to roam the woods alone together, or to sit
together by themselves for hours in some lonely place, the practice is
to be condemned, because it is a serious occasion of sin and one that
cannot be justified as necessary. Every boy and girl whose intentions
are honorable should welcome the presence of others as a proof of the
innocence of their relations and as a safeguard against their own
weakness. The old custom of chaperonage was dictated not only by
Christian prudence, but also by plain common sense and the modern
practice, so pernicious in its results, of according young couples al-
most as much privacy and seclusion as if they were married, is
condemned even by decent pagans.
It is idle to say that boys and girls must pray and receive the
Sacraments frequently and remember their dignity, and then there will
be no danger if they are alone together. To say there will be no danger
is to fly in the face of all experience and equivalent to saying that
you can put live coals and straw together without danger of fire.
Certainly they must pray; but their first duty is to avoid the danger;
and when that is impossible, then they must use both natural and
supernatural means to pass through it unharmed. That means that, should
you at any time happen to be alone with a young lady, the way to meet
the situation is to avoid physical contacts and, above all, to keep
your hands off her person. Remember, as I told you in a previous in-
struction, that the physical tokens of affection for which girls have a
natural weakness, do not ordinarily have the strong sexual reaction on
girls that they have on boys; and, therefore, for your own protection,
beware of being allured into what may prove a trap for your virtue.
Once you are engaged, if you must give your fiancee a good-night kiss,
do it in the house where you say good-night to everybody else. When a
boy kisses his mother or sister good-bye, does he go off into some dark
corner where nobody can see him? Why, then, should he want to seek pri-
vacy and darkness in order to kiss his girl friend good-night?
Many of your friends would only laugh at these cautions I am giving
you; but by observing them, son, you will not only spare yourself many
a pang of conscience, but also preserve the physical endearments of
love in all their freshness for your married life, where you can
indulge in them with a clear conscience for their proper purpose of
easing the burdens of wedded life, cementing more firmly the married
union, and keeping alive some of the romance of love long after the
days of courtship are over.
Having devoted the greater part of this instruction to impressing upon
you the serious nature of marriage and courtship, let me in conclusion
help you to realize the sacred character of the marriage act. You will
no doubt remember that in a previous instruction I stated that the
Sacrament of Matrimony, like the Sacrament of Holy Orders, gives rights
and privileges as well as powers and obligations not possessed by those
who have not received this Sacrament. Now the great privilege of
married couples is to co-operate with Almighty God in bringing new
intelligent beings into existence, just as it is the privilege of the
priest to co-operate with God in bringing Jesus Christ upon our altar.
To bring an immortal being into existence is so solemn an act that when
God created the first man, He did not simply say, "Let man be made", as
He said, "Let light be made", but calling upon the other two Persons of
the Blessed Trinity, He said: "Let Us make man to Our image and
likeness." Then, having formed a body out of the earth, He breathed
into it an immortal soul, and man was made a living and immortal being,
an image and likeness of God Himself.
What a distinction it would have been for the great sculptor
Michelangelo if God had said to him: "Come, let us make a living statue
of Myself. I will direct you how to make it out of your own materials
and with your own instruments; and then I will breathe into it an
immortal soul, and it will exist forever as the joint product of your
skill and my power."
Such a distinction is actually granted by Almighty God to all parents.
In His infinite wisdom God placed in the parents' own bodies the
instruments and the materials for making an image of Himself,
fashioning their bodies in such a way that in the marital embrace the
husband's generative organ fits into that of his wife. And in His
infinite love, God ordained that, as a climax to that loving embrace,
the precious germ of life is transmitted from husband to wife to be
united with a similar substance in her womb for the formation of a tiny
human body. In the very same instant that those two elements, the
father cell and the mother cell, unite in an eternal embrace to form a
body, God creates in it an immortal soul, thus making a living image of
Himself, an indestructible link between husband and wife, and an
everlasting memorial of their mutual love.
And thus you see, my son, what a wonderful and sacred act the marital
embrace is, and what an intimate union God establishes through it
between Himself and human nature, between husband and wife, and between
parents and their beloved child.
This ends these formal instructions, my son; but don't think now that
hereafter I do not want to be bothered with your problems or personal
affairs. I shall always be happy to advise you and help you as much as
I can. And I sincerely hope that you will continue to confide in me;
for you may be sure that no one is more interested in your true welfare
and happiness than your dear old Dad.
FINIS