Heed my words, oh miniscule and pulchritudinous ones. Hear and heed, you
who do not fellatiate, and you who know not the meaning of the great and
high remex. The end is near. You must heed and follow the things I will
speak unto you, the words of the great gods, the god of the windowshade,
the god of the distributor cap, the god of the blue bikini underwear and
most importantly the god of the dead japanese beetle somewhere on the
campus of rutgers university. By heeding these words, you will improve
the gas mileage of your car, enter into a new age of harmony, peace,
happiness, and belgian waffles. Bring things home each day and not pay
for them until next september, and make sure that your live is sanctioned
and guarded by the great race of aliens which will land any day now in
Starkville Mississippi and revolutionise the way you wash dishes. Be sure
to not be left out when all human males become obsolete as females flock
to the alien males and their new, improved, user-friendly genitalia mark
five systems! You must make your genitalia blue, anointing it with
indigo. Anoint also your ears, your nose, the back of your neck, and the
fourth toe of each foot, the most holy of all toes.
I speak to you of the coming of the greater race. You shall know them by
their stature, by their countenance, by their language, unlike any that
man has ever heard, and by their sexual prowess. Behold, they shall land
in a small town, Starkille, and shall walk the earth among the children,
and you shall not know them. Many will say in those days, "The gods are
walking the earth, the gods are walking the earth," but they shall be
scoffed upon and spit upon and fucked hard by prostitutes in cheap motels
then bankrupted by the media. But you will pay them no attention and
merely stop sending your donations. But then, the greater race will
reveal themselves in all their glory for all mankind to see. The truth
will be known, and the truth will be that mankind has not paid their lease
and is being evicted, a new race takes over the planet, please move the
furniture out and clean the carpeting before you leave. Behold a wonder:
your children and their children shall mate, producing a better race yet,
but you, the unbelievers, shall be sentenced to 40 time units of wandering
in the outer dust clouds of the andromeda sector aboard a tiny spaceship
called the minnow.
So, lo, woe, yo, repent while you still are young on an archaelogic scale.
The world must be saved by the horrors that are low-density disks, AM
radio, and non-FOX television. You must learn to live without processed
spinach products, to wean your children on their father's milk,. and to
accept that power strips and LSD are things of the past. Synthesise your
offspring carefully so that when the time of the great choosing comes,
your sons and daughters may be chosen by the greater race to participate
in furthering their race, in the strange ritual of the cosmic fuck, the
antithesis of the hells of knowledge, riches, and power, the fulfillment
of the postmodern dream of red lights, t-squares, and paint blotches.
Prepare yourselves for the day of the final inkblot judgement, wherein all
shall be tested for blot and blood type. In that day, some will say,
"verily, it is an aston-martin, in O positive." To those, the coming one
will say, "farewell, you were never a phlebotomist, just a prick, depart
from here into an eternity of dimness and cheap paperback novels and
genuine IBM computers." But in that fateful day, some will say, "truly,
it is two schnauzers chasing a naked woman, in AB negative." To those,
the coming one will say, "come, join me at the cosmic sock hop, you are
one of my own, you will live an eternity of free drinks and beautiful
tragically hip waifs."
For I have been spoken these things by the angels of light, hermetic
seals, and the small purple man painted on my wall, who read them from the
great platinum plates upon which they were inscribed from the supernatural
force of the great god of the cunny, who swallows all things for the
better of his followers. I have seen the light, I have been enlightened,
I speak the truth to you, heed it and save your lives and those of your
fellow neighbour's wife and your neighbour's ass, or do not hear my words,
and turn a deaf ear to them, and forever suffer in this meaningless
existance. The gods have spoken, I have written, and the pen, having
writ, runs out of ink, on this, the next to the last of the last days...
1-The Book of Shag-0
2*****End quoted text*****0
4What??0 You mean it doesn't make any sense to 3you0 either?
1Yours truly and sign it,
5Nick 6Danger0
Nick Danger #174 @3456
Mon Dec 17 23:02:22 1990
More slack lifted from Usenet, the network of 5champions!0 This
time, a few words about those dreaded harbingers of the 5Xists0, the Men in
Black (MIB):
*****1Begin quoted text*****0
From: pashdown@javelin.es.com (Pete Ashdown)
Newsgroups: alt.slack
Subject: Re: men in black
Date: 11 Dec 90 23:45:14 GMT
Organization: Evans & Sutherland Computer Corp., Salt Lake City, Utah
Lines: 62
00kepulver@bsu-ucs.uucp writes in sci.sceptic:
>here's what i got in my memory, its not much but i don't have any of my books
>with me, sorry.
> the men in black are supposed to be a super seccret organization that
>are trying to silence ufo investigators and contactees. they wear all black
>suits, drive big old gas guzzling cars (chevy's and lincons (sic) usually) and
>travel in ones, twos and threes, they talk either very formally or like a bad
>ganster movie, some have been dumbfounded by ordinary devices like pens and
>silverware, and they usually claim to be from the government.
1the men in black all smile. they have pipes and love a good sale.
1if you corner one, he will most likely give you a pamphlet.
> the first mib encounter supposedly happened in texas in 1897. some
>pottery fell from the sky and an oriental looking man dressed in black bought
>up all the fragments.
1what was even more odd is that he was driving a lincon continental in
11897.
>more recently they contacted a man named bender in the
>fifties and told him to stop his investigations. they even ahd a letter that
>he had sent to a friend describing his theories about the reasons why ufos are
>here.
1plus a weird book and a hearty appetite for sex and something called
1"frap" or "frup". i cant rembher.
> the main reason mib's appear is to stop ufo research. they always seem
>to appear to people who have gotten close to the "real" reason why the ufos are
>here and take these people's evidence.
1the ufos also like to take money and slack and grils.
> a good book your friend may want to read is _the philadelphia
>expirement and other ufo conspriacies_, it may be hard to find, i got my copy
>from a new age bookstore, there is also an article about mibs in
>the journal of american folklore, but im not sure on the date, i can look it up
>and email or post it if you are interested. also, the time life book about
>ufos has a one page article about mib, and aricel comics has a great three
>issue limited series about them, but that wouldn't be very good for research.
1your friend should also brush up on his sales teckniches.
> need any more information go ahead and email me and ill send along what
>i can.
1Sir,
1If you do not stop publishing information about the Men-In-Black(tm),
1we will have to resort to further Thought-Control(tm) techniques.
1Your friend,
1Man-In-Black(tm)
--
1"While you are here, your wives and girlfriends are dating handsome American
1 movie and TV stars. Stars like Tom Selleck, Bruce Willis, and Bart Simpson."
1-- Baghdad Betty
1 Pete Ashdown pashdown%javelin@dsd.es.com ...dsd.es.com!javelin!pashdown
2*****End quoted text*****0
1Yours truly and sign it,0
5Nick 6Danger
Nick Danger #174 @3456
Mon Dec 17 23:03:14 1990
Some 3musical0 slack from Usenet, the network of 1champions0. And
wierdos.
2*****Begin quoted text*****0
From: klm@gozer.UUCP (Kevin L. McBride)
Newsgroups: alt.slack
Subject: A Song
Date: 11 Dec 90 17:46:44 GMT
Organization: MSCG, Inc.
Lines: 40
The following is an anonymous posting from a friend of mine who USED to
work at Wang. I agreed to post this for him to protect the guilty, etc.
Begin anonymous posting
------------------------------------------------------------------------
2(To the tune of "It's a small world after all")0
There is no slack when you work at Wang
They are really pink unlike Reverend Stang
I don't know what I'll do if I start turning too
It's a pink world after all.
2(Chorus)0
It's a pink world after all
It's a pink world after all
It's a pink world after all
It's a pink pink pink pink world.
(The CON has a really fierce grip on WANG! The STARK Fist of removal
has been slapped on the wrist one time too many. All of the native
elements of slack are bleeding away one by one. But as they bleed
away they erode the foundations of the CON based towers. Soon the
towers will crumble into a heap of pink sand.)
------------------------------------------------------------------------
End anonymous posting
[ed. with apologies to those wonderful guys at Wang who supply me
with my news feed. It costs me a small fortune in pink filters
each year. Seriously, there are 2 cool people at Wang. One of
whom runs the mail and news system.]
--
Kevin L. McBride |Contract programming (on and offsite) |Brewmeister and
President |X, Motif, TCP/IP, UNIX, VAX/VMS, |Bottle Washer
MSCG, Inc. |Integration issues, Troubleshooting. |McBeer Brewery
uunet!wang!gozer!klm |Reseller of ISC UNIX and Telebit Modems.|Nashua, NH
2*****End quoted text*****0
Well....what can ya expect from a company named "Wang"?
1Yours truly and sign it,0
5Nick6 DangerNick Danger #174 @3456
Mon Dec 17 23:04:15 1990
From Usenet, the network of 4champions0 and Yetis, comes this
remarkable insight into the early film career of J.R. "Bob" Dobbs:
2*****Begin quoted text*****0
From: lancer@hongkong.WPI.EDU (Stephen Lewis Foskett)
Newsgroups: alt.slack
Subject: "Bob" sings and dances...
Date: 13 Dec 90 15:34:40 GMT
Organization: Worcester Polytechnic Institute, Worcester, MA 01609-2280
Lines: 32
Yes...It's true...
In the movie "5White 6Christmas0" by Irving Berlin...
You see, Danny Kay (I think) plays a former salesman in the early 50s named
"Bob" who wanders around with Bing Crosby and two young ladies...
Danny looks an awful lot like "Bob" in the film and even smokes a pipe
in one scene!
Truly this is Christmas slack at it's best...
See "Bob" dress up as a woman! See "Bob" sing and dance! See "Bob" suck face
with some blonde! Hear "Bob" sing "Gee, I wish I was back in the army!"
Watch as "Bob" is totally confounded by the female sex!
The only downside is that when he dresses as a woman, he wears pink...
--
"Only the meaning, never the message, matters at all."
4_____________________0___________________________________________
4| ___ |0 |
4| / ___ \ |0 "And all God's angels beware |
4| / P ] \ |0 And all you judges beware |
4| J _P 1_ L |0 Sons of chance, take good care |
4| | [_ ] | |0 For all the people out there |
4| | I I | |0 I'm not afraid anymore" |
4| 7 _I I P |0 -Ian Curtis |
4| \ [___d / |0------------------------------------------|
4| \ / |0Stephe Foskett WPI Box 2289 100 Institute|
4| ~~~ |0Worcester MA 01601 \8-} lancer@wpi.wpi.edu|
4~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~0~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
2*****End quoted text*****0
1Yours truly and sign it,
5Nick 6Danger
Nick Danger #174 @3456
Mon Dec 17 23:05:34 1990
From Usenet, some meditations on the coming of the 5Xists0:
2*****Begin quoted text*****0
From: klm@gozer.UUCP (Krazy Little-endian MoFo)
Newsgroups: alt.slack
Subject: The Sun Sets On My Bleeding Head
Keywords: Blarfyldygook, zipfnogok, arkznadungkfl
Date: 16 Dec 90 23:13:36 GMT
Organization: Clench of the Pin-shaped Head of Benny
Lines: 34
Let us not speak of Ferraris and Audis and other pacifiers of the
CON generation. Those adult playthings that are sucked upon to
please the Andrew Jacksonheads in our pockets. Pablumstyles of
the Rich and would-be-famous.
Let us speak instead of the Xists Giant Terrarium, that ozone depleted
chunk of rock we call the Earth. It is now nearly 2000 years since
a guy was nailed to a tree for saying how nice it would be if we would
all give each other some slack.
Things are even weirder now than they were then and this is the first
run-on sentence of the third paragraph and if you don't like it, well
kill me, and I'll just keep right on talking, er, typing, er having
telepathy with this silicon life form because I just had a Margarita
on a Sunday afternoon after decorating the house because the CON says
I should and I don't want to blow my cover just yet because great things
are in store for the following solar year that the CON says is 1991 but
really isn't because they've brainwashed us all and changed the calendar
on us and decided not to tell the really stupid people because they might
panic and then the CON would have a whole pile of excrement on their
collective appendages and the Sunday afternoon Sun coming through my
office window is setting on my would-be-bleeding head and Frosty the
Snowman is on the root window of my Xist Window screen and I'm feeling
a little...
Oh wow. There's a cloud outside my window that looks like a flying
Saucer.
4Theeey're Heeeeere.0
--
Krazy Little-endian MoFo
Clench of the Pin-shaped Head of Benny
uunet!wang!gozer!klm
2*****End quoted text*****0
1Yours truly and sign it,0
5Nick 6DangerNick Danger #182 @3462
Fri Nov 30 23:46:24 1990
Hiya, kids! Here's the first of a great 5gob0 of slack lifted from the
alt.slack newsgroup in Usenet, The Network of Champions! Kowabunga!
1==================Stolen text starts here=====================================
Subject: THANKS TO REPLIES FOROhmygodOhmygodOhmygodOhmygodOhmygodOhmygo
Date: 20 Nov 90 05:13:38 GMT
Sender: news@daffy.cs.wisc.edu (The News)
Organization: Spawning Cow! Productions
THANKS SLACKY PEOPLE!
My postings seem to be staying up again. Maybe the lab realized my slackness
and decided not to mess with me, eh? Perhaps it was "BoB" intervention...
Well, as of now things are in the range of semi-okay with posting, but if my
posts don't last, I now have a "support group" of slackypeople who will post
for me. Aren't us computer geeks a great big family!!!
Also, a little contribution to alt.slack:
"Slack as a prefix" Dictionary:
Slackola (n) Bye, slack
Slacky (adj) slack
To slack (v) slack
Slackness (adv?) slack
Slackly (adj) slack
Slacky-Slack-Slack (n,adj,v,adv,prep,article...) REALLY SLACK!!
Slacking (v) slack
Slackment (n) slack
Slackmented (n) slack, past tense
Slackmentfull (n) full of ment slack???
Slackmentfulled (v) Yeah, right. Just slack
Slackous (adv) of slack
Sa-LACK! (n) Hick excited slack
Slack (n) If you don't know what it means, stop everything now.
Just
plain die.
There ya go, sorry if it's not in alphabetic and all, and that the (n), (adj)
etc.. are probably not right, but this is just a first draft. Remember:
Slack ain't your enemy, but it sure as hell ain't your friend.
Praise Frith-rah and Slackola,
Dave
--
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
-
-/liNick Danger #182 @3462
Fri Nov 30 23:57:50 1990
(This post lifted from Usenet)
2***Begin quoted text***0
Brothers and sisters, again I feel compelled to update you on the
single greatest source of slack known to mankind:
4Bob Tilton.0
Yes, your favorite TV evangelist is still out there and GOING STRONG!
Ever since I called the Robert Tilton Ministries at (214) 620-6200 and
asked for my "free book", I have been mailed, free of charge:
The aforementioned book, _God's Miracle Plan for Man_ (5$$$0 --> salvation)
Three "miracle" prayer cloths
A package of miracle anointing oil
The Jordan River Holy Anointing Water flask
5 large posters of Bob
The "Miracle Ropes of Deliverance" to "Bind Demons" (see p.128, #15, the BOOK)
Several copies of their magazines and newspapers
Many, many, many "convincing" Biblical arguments for why I should send $$$$
...and lots more!
4Bob Tilton is a SubGenius.0
Here are a few reasons why:
1) He rips off pinks for a living
2) He rants like a mother fucker ("Satan I BIND THEE! Demons of
tobacco smoking I BIND THEE! Demons of lymph node cancer I BIND
THEE!") In fact, in his latest rant, just today he said: "I'm a Pink
Duck, I'm not a white duck! They don't know what to do with me!
Everyone else is a white duck, they just waddle around...I'm drunk
with the holy spirit today...I'm a Pink Duck..."
3) He signs everything "Bob", (no quotes, but close enough!)
4) Where does he live? Dallas, TX? Hmmm...
5) The latest copy of his newspaper had a drawing on the cover that
looked almost exactly like the cover of "Three-Fisted Tales", except
it was Tilton's face instead of J.R.'s. The article is entitled,
"Take Your Foot Off the Brake"...sound familiar?
If you want to fall over laughing every couple of days when you read
your mail, call (214) 620-6200 and ask them to "send you information."
You'll be on their mailing list for months. Don't give them your
phone number, though. Do it, or kill me.
I usually have too much slack to even care about posting, but
something about this article in the latest issue of "Circle of
Blessing", written by Tilton's wife made me do it:
"You wives must submit to your husbands' leadership in the same way
you submit to the Lord. For a husband is in charge of his wife in the
same way Christ is in charge of his Body the Church...So you wives
must willingly obey your husbands in everything, just as the Church
obeys Christ." -Marte Tilton
God I love fundamentalists. Praise "Bob" (& Bob!)
-St. Mog the Unholy
---------------------------------------------------------------------
"`Brakes' are all that keep us from committing ANYTHING WE MIGHT
IMAGINE IN OUR MOST WARPED FANTASIES"
-Book of the SubGenius, p. 39
"Take your foot off the brake!"
-Bob Tilton, "Circle of Blessing", Oct 1990 p.12
------------------------------
2***End quoted text***0
3Yours truly and sign it,
5Nick 6Danger
---------------------------------------Nick Danger #182 @3462
Fri Nov 30 23:59:34 1990
(More incredible slack from Usent, the Network of Champions)
2*****Begin quoted text*****0
Hey gang,
I saw this in alt.stupidity, and it was OBVIOUS to me that the news
mailer had posted it to the wrong group.
-Jim
> Newsgroups: alt.stupidity
> Subject: Re: Phoning Phor Pizza
> > In the lab where I work, there was a need for magnetized balls. Nick Rizzo
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
> >called up this place that shaped magnetic materials to order and asked for
> >three-eight inch diameter spheres. The woman at the other end asked what the
> >other dimensions were.
> >jgliv
> I am sorry to break up all this 'humor' - but I think it is important
> to note that this is a 1SERIOUS0 and 1EXTREMELY PAINFUL0 medical condition,
> and should 1NOT0 be made light of in such a frivolous manner.
> Imagine for a moment that it is YOU who must remember to NEVER casually
> drop the car keys in your front pocket, NEVER to sit on a seat with a
> steel frame (unless you are carrying the obligatory spatula), NEVER
> AGAIN to walk through a hardware store and browse through the screws
> and nails. Do you realize that many toilets are constructed of ceramic
> 1OVER a STEEL BASE?!0
> I think this frivolous posting is another indication of how seriously
> awry this whole 'humor' thread has gone. I think it is also important
> to add - 'I'm O.K., You're STYOOOOOPID!'
> Let's get back to some REALLY styooooopid topics, like New Age religion.
> Your mind is continuously storing 'images' or 'photographs' if you will,
> of all the really styooooopid things happening around you, and the many
> obscenely styooooopid dudes and dudettes with whom you are forced to
> coexist. I want to help you to 'edit' these into a mental remembrance
> of the 1977 Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade. But this takes *special*
> resources - cash, if you will, and not just a little bit of it, either.
> Computer graphics and national advertising are not cheap.
> I used to 'think' as you do. Then I got a great idea while playing
> poker with some friends of mine who are writers of 'scientifiction.'
> Now I have the resources to do whatever I want - right up to 5FAKING
> MY OWN DEATH0 and PERMANENTLY avoiding the really STYOOOOOPID stuff
> that the rest of you JUST PUT UP WITH! Elvis thinks I'm 'taking
> advantage of all the little people' - but balks at my argument that
> it is costing me a FORTUNE just to keep his nose full. And it isn't
> exactly CHEAP sailing around the world over and over...
> I think there is still hope for you. Instead of remembering that
> horrible sexual experience from Sophomore year, try instead to fill
> your mind with the image of an enormous 'Dino the Dinosaur' floating
> serenely above thousands of spectators while Santa rounds the turn
> close behind... Can you see it? Huh? Can you? Really? Okay, you're
> ready read my book, 'Econetics' and begin a comprehensive program of
> donations and pledges. No, make it out to me, personally.
> I still can't believe this works. 'Grok' THIS, Bob!! Ha!
> As Sincerely as possible under the circumstances,
> L. Ron 'Cash or Charge?' Hubbard
> $
> $$$
> $ $ $ "Send me your fives, your tens, your twenties yearning
> $$ to be free..." - Moi
> $$ DISCLAIMER - I'm just making all this up as I go...
> $ $ $
> $$$
> $
Truly, this is slack.
-Jim
--
^ - James C. "Jim" Dobbs - jdobbs@director.beckman.uiuc.edu
( O-O "The correct pluralization of 'smurf' is 'smurves.'"
> - James C. Dobbs
^ DISCLAIMER - Nobody ever agrees with anything I think.