"G.U.E. ON NINE ZORKMIDS A DAY"
[Pictures of 7 baggage tags:
- North Anthar
Granola Mines
Clusters of FUN for the whole family
- I Visited
Greater Borphee
And its Fixum Rixa Poo Nastic!! [sic.]
- Come Again to ARAGAIN
Capital of the Frigid River
- King Zilbo Hotel
Midtown Gurth
"Where Every Guest is Treated Like a *ELTNID"
- I [heart] MITHICUS
- I Survived The Jungles of Miznia
BLOODWORM MECCA of the G.U.E.
- Flying Carpet Airlines
forward to:
Tunnels of Love,
Frigid River Valley
from:
Lenko Cavem,
938120 Plateau Place,
North-South City
G.U.E
TWELTH CLASS]
A Traveller's Guide to the Great Underground Empire
by Lester Foozilbarmumboz
Frobozz Magic Book Company. Copied right in the year 873. All rights
reversed.
FESTERON TOWN LIBRARY
03/35/874 07/07/876 03/02/881
05/11/874 09/02/876 06/14/883
09/01/874 02/13/877 04/22/917
01/29/875 03/09/878 02/21/948
04/34/875 07/35/878
06/10/875 01/03/879
04/21/876 08/06/879
Please take care of me...
library books belong to everyone.
ANTHARIA
[Picture]
Shown at Flathead Stadium is a citizen trying to get a leg up on the
competition during an exciting shark wrestling match.
LOCAL GOVERNMENT: Antharia is ruled by a council of four "Elders"-- one
from the Shipbuilding Guild, one from the Granola Miners Guild, one from
the Marble Cutters Guild, and one from a popular waterfront pub called
"Emu's."
TRANSPORTATION: Getting to and from Antharia is limited to travel by
ship. (An Enchanter familiar with teleportation spells can be hired, but
are expensive and sometimes unreliable.) Normal third-class fare for
this two-day journey can coast as much as 17 zorkmids during the month
before the Marble Pageant.
WEATHER: Except for an occasional hurricane in late summer, Antharian
weather is picture-perfect. Leave your umbrella home, but don't forget
to pack your swim suit and scuba gear!
LODGING: The world-famous Zilton Hotel in downtown Anthar feature plush
accommodations and easy access to most of the island's sights. Prices
range from 6 to 24 zorkmids per night. More economical lodgings can be
found at the bucolic Pterodactyl Inn. Every room features a stunning
view of the cliffs overlooking the lovely north shore of the island, and
rates range from 2 to 8 zorkmids per night.
DINING: An absolute must is The Rusty Knife in West Anthar. Expect to
wait at least an hour; the house specialty is flame-broiled sea serpent
filet for a mere Zm1.25. Other fine seafood restaurants include the
Finhouse (Zm0.50 to Zm1.50) and Zilbar's (Zm0.35 to Zm1.50).
THINGS TO SEE: The shipbuilding factories of South Anthar are an amazing
sight; plan to spend at least half a day. Tours for 1 zorkmid are
available every hour from dawn to dusk. The burgeoning marble industry
offers many exciting sights: the gaping mines in the Peltoid Valley, the
cutting and polishing guilds at work, the 20-bloit conveyor belt at the
port of Marba. Despite the reduced output since the Granola Riots, the
granola mines in the north make an interesting visit if you can stand
the smell. No trip to the island would be complete without a cruise on
the island's only glass-bottom boat, the Bella Quease. The cruise leaves
an hour before noon, and costs Zm2.25 (children under 12, Zm1.50).
SEASONAL EVENTS: The Marble Pageant, held annually in mid-spring, is
highly recommended. However, during the month of the Pageant, hotel
space becomes scarce, and many prices are inflated. Shark-wrestling,
held every weekend during the summer at Anthar's Flathead Stadium, is an
exciting experience if you can stomach the gore. Admission is Zm0.75.
FACTS:
Land Area: 959 square bloits
Capital: Anthar
Nickname: The Island Province
Flower: The Spenseweed
Motto: "Heiya wizka" ("Hello sailor")
GREATER BORPHEE
[Picture of a beach with sign: FLATHEAD BEACH "Beach Blanket Fannuci"
[sic.] filmed here in 871 G.U.E.]
With wave heights averaging 38 ft., surfing is always great.
LOCAL GOVERNMENT: Greater Borphee is administered by a staff of
part-time volunteer managers, whose decisions are ratified at least
three times per year, but not more than every other week, by a series of
local forums.
TRANSPORTATION: Borphee is probably the single most accessible vacation
spot in the Empire. From anywhere in the Borphee River valley, travel by
ferry is easy and inexpensive. If you wish to travel by sea, Borphee has
an excellent, busy harbor. By land, the Coast Road connects Borphee with
the ancient cities to the north as well as the populous southlands.
WEATHER: Thanks to the nearby ocean, Borphee has a very moderate
climate. The rainy season lasts most of the winter, and summers tend to
be humid.
LODGING: Motel Spell is a highly commercialized tourist trap with
overdone touches such as the issuing of self-casting REZROV spells
instead of keys. Rooms start at 5 zorkmids. Be forewarned, patrons who
miss check-out time will have their families turned into newts and their
luggage turned into bat guano. The Borphee Inn, run by the Frobozz Magic
Hotel Company, is comfortable and surprisingly affordable. While
penthouse suites can run upwards of 33 zorkmids per day, basement rooms
are available for as little as 3 zorkmids (but make your reservations
well in advance).
DINING: The Potion Palace, at the Borphee Inn, features a delightful
menu of enchanted dishes. Waiters are a thing of the past at the Palace,
as your mind is probed to discover the perfect meal for your taste,
which then poofs into existence right at your table. A nightly floor
show features dancing nymphs; expect to spend at least Zm4. Also highly
recommended is the Smokestack, where even the heartiest of meals costs
under a zorkmid.
THINGS TO SEE: Borphee is the Kingdom's fastest-growing industrial city,
with the magic scroll and potion factories leading the way. Both
Spellbound and United Thaumaturgy offer free tours of their facilities.
(Spellbound's deluxe tour costs Zm3, but it includes casting a time
travel spell that gives you three extra hours in your schedule.) G.U.E.
Tech, the newest of the Moss-League Colleges, produces the young
Enchanters of tomorrow. Many graduates have gone on to start their own
magic companies, and have become an identifiable subculture known as
"Yuppie," or "Young Underground Professionals."
Just a short trip south of the city are some of the most beautiful
stretches of beach anywhere on the Flathead Ocean, including the very
dunes where "Beach Blanket Fanucci" was filmed. Borphee nightlife is
renowned throughout the Empire; Studio Frob on the wharf features an
excellent Phlog and Tonic for Zm0.25. Warning: the Borphee Observation
Tower is a complete waste of money. Admittance is Zm7, and the air in
downtown Borphee never provides visibility of more than a fraction of a
bloit.
SEASONAL EVENTS: Borphee is the site of the annual Double Fanucci
Championships. During the first week in autumn, the entire province
fills up with every Double Fanucci fanatic in the kingdom. Tickets to
each game in the finals cost 3 zorkmids, but usually sell out within
hours. Scalpers command as much as 20 zorkmids for a good seat. In late
spring, G.U.E. Tech holds their annual Spelling Bee, which is free and
open to the public. The highlight of last year's competition was Magic
O'Leary's stunning mastery of clairvoyance spells which allowed him to
win the Bee before the first word was even issued.
Every winter, the hills of Borphee come alive with the sound(s) of the
most dreadful singers in the Kingdom. This event, aptly named The From
Bad to Worst Songfest, allows those truly terrible singers to gain
recognition while vying for the much-coveted prize of a pair of 18k gold
earplugs. Because most hillside residents schedule out-of-town court
appearances or surgery during this two-week period, you may be able to
rent an apartment or house for as little as Zm2 or Zm3.5, respectively.
On the official first day of summer, thousands gather at the Borphee
Harbor for the G.U.E. Festival of Small Ships. Throughout the day,
hundreds of these floating antiques drop their mini-anchors in the water
and send off rockets, flares and fireworks to herald their safe arrival.
Only those spectators 4 feet 5 inches and under will be allowed to board
the ships. Admission is free so come early to beat the crowds.
FACTS:
Population: 1,107,810
Land Area: 754 square bloits
Capital: Borphee
Nickname: The Industrial Province
Flower: The Compass Rose
Motto: "Borphee-- fixum rixa poo nastik" ("Borphee-- better than you think")
[Picture]
Double Fanucci Stadium--where tickets for the annual Double Fanucci
championships often go as high as 20 zorkmids each.
THE FRIGID RIVER VALLEY
[Picture]
Flathead Mountains--inaccessable backwater of the Great Underground
Empire.
LOCAL GOVERNMENT: None to speak of.
TRANSPORTATION: Unless you travel via flying carpet, you'll find this
region to be virtually cut off from the rest of the Empire. You can hack
your way east through the coastal forests with a machete, or try to
cross the Flathead Mountains from the east, or you can try to travel up
the Frigid River, bucking the most severe currents and dangerous rapids
known to man. We suggest air travel.
WEATHER: Very unpredictable, but you'll probably be spending most of
your time underground.
LODGING: The Tunnels of Love are a favorite of the Kingdom's
honeymooners, located a stone's throw from Aragain Falls. The Tunnels
are well-known for their vast honeycomb of passageways, and couples have
been known to raise entire families just trying to find their rooms.
Rates range from Zm2 for a room to Zm10 for a Honeymoon Suite. The
Cliffhouse, near White Cliffs Beach, is inexpensive (all rooms are Zm2)
and convenient to the big tourist spots.
DINING: The Roundup, just off the Round Room, specializes in dragon
dishes. Entrees range from Zm0.30 to Zm0.80. The Aqueduct offers
reasonably good cuisine and a breathtaking view of one of the Empire's
primary water channels. Slightly overpriced at Zm1.20 to Zm2.20.
THINGS TO SEE: Flood Control Dam Number Three is a staggering
engineering feat that must be seen to be believed. Nearby is Aragain
Falls, the so-called Honeymoon Capital of the Great Underground Empire.
Slightly farther away is the Royal Museum, although the three-week
security clearance procedure discourages many visitors. If mountain
climbing turns you on, the Flathead Mountains offer one of the best
challenges anywhere.
SEASONAL EVENTS: On the first day of summer, crowds line the banks of
the Frigid River for a spectacular sight: the annual opening of the
floodgates of FCD Number Three, which lower the water level of the
reservoir behind. Frequently, the king himself will be on hand to open
the floodgates personally.
FACTS:
Population: 98,330
Land Area: 15,232 square bloits
Capital: Aragain
Nickname: The Deepest Province
Flower: The Budding Fern
Motto: "Blippi burz fliggin" ("Dig we must")
GURTH AND MITHICUS
LOCAL GOVERNMENT: An informal board of 13 thousand citizens meets three
times each day to settle disputes and ratify the provincial budget.
TRANSPORTATION: Take the Coast Road south from Borphee, or sail to the
port of Miznia. Travel from any of the westlands should coast no more
than 5 zorkmids.
WEATHER: Absolutely wonderful for most of the year, but it can sometimes
get unbearably hot during the peak summer months; bring mosquito
netting.
LODGING: In Gurth, try the King Zilbo Hotel, an elegant old building
with rooms for as little as Zm2.50. Your best bet in Mithicus is the new
No-Frill Inn. Rooms are only Zm0.75 per night, but almost everything is
extra. (For example, beds are an additional Zm0.50 per night, pillows
Zm0.20.)
DINING: The Broken Lantern in the village of Grubbo-By-The-Sea serves a
fine parrot stew, as well as other local delicacies in an intimate
setting. The desserts are world-famous; the morgia root pie is a must.
Most meals will be around Zm1.50; desserts are extra.
THINGS TO SEE: The southlands are known for their many fine artisans.
You can make arrangements to see carpenters, woodcarvers, rock cutters,
potmakers, and basket weavers at work. The region is also prime
vacationland, with many activities to choose from: sky diving, bull-
fighting, surfing, skin diving and glurking. Rates vary seasonally, but
a day's worth of any of these activities will cost you no more than 2 or
3 zorkmids. Consider exploring the jungles of Miznia, but stay away from
the well-marked bloodworm spawning grounds unless you have a trained
guide. Trained guides usually start at Zm8 per day.
SEASONAL EVENTS: The gigantic Gurth City Crafts Fair is held every
weekend during the spring. The finest products of over 80 different
guilds are displayed and sold. In early autumn, the annual Harvest
Festival gets underway for a colorful two-week celebration featuring
local foods, drinks, song and dance.
FACTS:
Population: 2,883,190
Land Area: 21,545 square bloits
Capital: Gurth City
Nickname: The Vacation Province
Flower: The Morgia
Motto: "Utribiz oomum flaxil zobs" ("Don't eat moldy bread")
[Picture]
Over 80 different guilds and 120 different local delicacies are
represented at the Gurth City Crafts Fair.
THE GRAY MOUNTAINS
[Picture]
The snow-making equipment at the Gray Mountains always provides optimal
snowburrowing conditions.
LOCAL GOVERNMENT: Local matters are settled entirely by a tyrannical
governor who is chosen once a month by a lottery.
TRANSPORTATION: Travel to this remote area has recently been made much
simpler by the completion of the Great Underground Highway's eastern
branch. Tolls will run as high as Zm3 depending on your point of
departure.
WEATHER: Thanks to active hot springs, the temperature of the
underground caverns in this region stays at a uniform ideal temperature.
However, up on the surface, the temperature is nearly always below
freezing, with frequent blizzards.
LODGING: The brochures for Grayslopes recommend a place called the Ski
Pole, but avoid this fleabag at all costs, unless you like bedbugs,
rusty water, and rude help. (Apparently, the owners of Grayslopes also
own a piece of the Ski Pole.) Instead, stay at the intimate Come-On Inn,
which cost only Zm1.30. The Come-On also offers discounts on all
equipment rental.
DINING: The Glacier Room is a colorful dive which is a favorite hangout
for the locals. In addition to generous helpings of good food, the
Glacier Room also provides cast rests for diners. From Zm0.60. Warning:
ignore recommendations by natives to dine at the Rotgut. Although the
locals love to eat there, recommending it to visitors is a practical
joke the natives love to play. After all, they've been brought up on
this sort of food, plus they know all the best bromide cures.
THINGS TO SEE: The hot springs are somewhat overrated as a tourist spot.
As far as we're concerned, a trip to the Gray Mountains means one thing:
snow sports. A lift ticket at Grayslopes costs Zm3 for a day. Skating on
the slanted frozen surface of Lake Dinge is an exhilarating experience.
Snowburrowers rent for around 6 zorkmids per week, but be sure to spend
an extra Zm1.50 for a service contract.
SEASONAL EVENTS: None. There are no seasons in the Gray Mountains.
FACTS:
Population: 18,370
Land Area: 13,441 square bloits
Capital: Frostham
Nickname: The Fire and Ice Province
Flower: Frobizzan Moss
Motto: "Mekie zimbuz" ("Maybe tomorrow")