THE ONE THING

Stiff, cold, westerly winds, they seem to be the flavour of the 
month, not afraid to break into damaging gusts either. They wear 
you down after a while. Besides the usual detours: pulling down a 
flipped-over animal shelter for some free building materials (OK I 
have to thank the wind for that), trying to patch rusted-out 
gutters on the house, and contemplating how to install a rooftop 
bathtub, I've been very focused on the one endless business-related 
project that I've been working on lately. Mainly dubugging 
(hardware and software), in all sorts of test scenarios, which I 
hate.

This week I'll admit this has made me feel like there may be too 
little in my life. If tests go well I'm happy, if they go badly I'm 
depressed, but if I've designed a fix and not tested it yet (but in 
my mind I'm doubtless it'll work) then I'm completely carefree, but 
if I later find my fix doesn't work I'm extremely depressed and 
have no confidence in my ability to do anything at all.

In part this is because the project has simply taken way too long, 
and the longer it's taken the more important it's become as other 
business activities have slowed down. Though I'm surprised how 
sales of some things have dropped so low this year - in part likely 
due to increased postage costs, which I can't do anything about, 
except drop some prices, which hasn't brought sales back yet 
either... This project's become worryingly like my last roll of the 
dice, which statistically is pretty long odds since most products 
I've developed never really sold. On the other hand the time it 
takes is a consequence of me trying to make something sophisticated 
enough that it will sell, and all the modern technicalities 
associated with that. The logical conclusion is probably: if that's 
what it takes, and that's how long it takes me, then I'm probably 
not really up to the task. But I guess I'll wait for the sales 
outcome before drawing any big conclusions in that direction.

So all those concerns, whether I take them seriously or fall back 
on my "meh it'll work out or it won't, I've got by OK this way so 
far" state of air-headedness, still make it the one big focus in my 
life. I wonder whether it's also a symptom of being out here 
talking to myself all day. Other people do have a way of deflecting 
attention from ones own obsessions, and I don't spend much time 
around them. But then when I went to visit my mother's a month ago 
I was so distracted it took me half an hour just to write a three 
70col line email reply. Perhaps it's the half-way state I live in - 
quite detached from society and generally happy amusing myself 
(except for sexual frustration), yet still trying to make money 
from that society and track core aspects of its lifestyle. It makes 
my business the one thing because it's the only thing I care about 
being judged by others.

Or if I went down a self-sufficiency path, would providing for 
myself become the next one thing? Right now I already need to stop 
writing this to go out in the cold wind and get wet trying to pump 
water from a tank on the shed before it overflows, since that's to 
serve my water self-sufficiency needs. Is the whole attraction of 
all the nonsense most people worry about simply because it 
distracts from their existential concerns centered around their 
ability to earn income to fulfill their basic needs? What I need in 
life is more sex and bullshit? Probably.

 - The Free Thinker